Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A QUICK RAW REVIEW ABOUT HOW GREAT LAST NIGHT WAS

I can't get over how much I was entertained by a show that only had three matches and one four-second Divas match. I honestly didn't even realize how few matches there were while I was watching it because it was such a good show in between the bouts.

Batista was awesome. Cena opposed him so well.

Jack Swagger's cash-in gone wrong was such a good swerve - pretty sure everyone just saw him losing it right then and there (me included).

Christian/Ted was a fun match, especially all of the interaction with the Legends and the Million Dollar Man stuff. I hope there's a long story with the Teds.

I even liked Clark Duke and Rob Corddry for how awkward they were.

The fucking high five of the night has to go to Triple H and Sheamus though. After boring me for most of their match on Sunday, I was reeled in like a teary-eyed nerd for Triple H's heartfelt speech to Shawn (heh, we took on the world though, didn't we bud?! *sniff*) only to have that SONUFFABITCH Sheamus RUIN EVERYTHING! I was furious and couldn't be happier at the same time.

But it wasn't done there. Oh LORD no. Bret Hart tugs at my heartstrings by congratulating Shawn Michaels on his career and being one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. After eBaying his Owen shirt (to no avail) SHOMIZ come out and The Miz proceeds to hitch his wagon to Bret's star and cut a GLORIOUS promo on the Hitman, setting up a hot-ass match between the champs and the Hart Dynasty. This feud will get over the fucking moon if last night was any indication.

All of the HBK video packages highlighting his career were well done as well, and just added to how stellar this RAW was.

Jack Swagger in a main event tag match Batista, Cena and Randy Orton is the biggest step up from losing to Santino that I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real life.

And finally, Shawn's farewell speech. I can't bare to watch a grown man cry (more specifically a pro wrestler). It's just too goddamn beautiful and I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT! The Undertaker's tip of the hat was classic. Shawn's speech though... literally nothing I can say can sum up how moving it was, so I'll just leave it at that.

An awesome show. And we even watched an old 1997 RAW after it and it didn't feel like we were just high off of WrestleMania. It still held up.

Photo - WWE.com

3/30 ROH VIDEOWIRE: GOING INTO THE BIG BANG

Yet another awesome VideoWire from ROH. Check this out:


IN THIS VIDEO
- A bloodied Necro Butcher cutting a concussed-sounding promo on Erick Stevens.
- Prince Nana telling us to connect our computers to an HD player.
- Steve Corino and Kevin Steen spouting INSANITY, likening El Generico to A WHORE and predicting MURDER for this weekend.
- Colt Cabana firing up El Generico for standing up to Kevin Steen.
- Davey Richards real talk.
- Kenny King on fire, getting me interested in his match with Davey on Saturday (more than I was before).
- A naked Austin Aries promo.
- A clothed Tyler Black promo.
- The NEW ROH WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP BELTS.
- Chris Hero is untouchable in a Kings of Wrestling promo that was as good, if not better than his last VideoWire promo. KINGS REIGNS SUPREME.
- And finally, the greatest KoW pose/shadow handshake to close it all off.

Monday, March 29, 2010

WHOA: TILA TEQUILA TO HOST RAW? (RUMOUR)


If you don't know who Tila Tequila is you should probably get the Internet because it's been out for like a long time and it's great. Because that's the only way you wouldn't know who this dumb slut is.

I don't go around calling everyone dumb sluts, but I think it's warranted here.

But as I was saying, if you haven't heard/seen Tila Tequila, here is some of the retardation that happens on her show.

Does this woman:

TILA
TEQUILA

Line up with ANYTHING WWE is doing right now?

Seriously. John Cena, WWE Champion, loved by kids everywhere. Tila Tequila, literally only known for being a giant slut on Myspace and having a show where hoards of people dumber and sluttier than her vie for her nasty vagina. How can you explain the reasoning for her even being there?

There seems to be no logical reason for having her on the show. Are people going to tune in to see the NO boobs they will show on their PG show? It's so weird and it doesn't make any sense to me. Why are they booking people to host their show who can't do the things their famous for doing, because they are a kid-friendly show?

Cheech and Chong couldn't do actual drug-related jokes, Jerry Springer DID do his wacky over-the-top transvestite-ridden show and it felt fucking bizarre, and now Tila Tequila is going to show up and act (act?) dumb (which she's famous for doing) but not be naked like everyone would expect (which she's famous for doing).

To conclude, I'm not really that mad. I just can't piece it together. And who am I kidding, I'll still watch to see her botch a name or ten.

"And you'll be facing The Big Red Machine KATE!"

TONIGHT: RAW VS. IMPACT - WEEK FOUR: TIME MACHINE EDITION

Seeing the nWo on one channel and Bret Hart on the other in 2010 will have an explanation tonight - Hot Tub Time Machine! Right guys?!

RAW VS. IMPACT
3/29 PREVIEW

RAW (LIVE)
Announced
Guest Hosts: Clark Duke & Rob Corddry of Hot Tub Time Machine

Expected
A ring full of grown men crying for Shawn Michaels
THE CHAMP IS HERRRRRRRRE
All kinds of fallout from WrestleMania XXVI

Won't Happen
Low-Ki debuts in a broadway against Daniel Bryan

IMPACT (TAPED) - SPOILER-FREE
Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D
Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore & Kazarian
First Blood: Tara vs. Daffney
AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett
Handicap Match: Jay Lethal vs. Beer Money
D'Angel Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe
Steel Cage Match: The Band vs. Eric Young, Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy

And Orlando Jordan does something embarrassing.

ROH: NEW BADASS HYPE VIDEO FOR THE BIG BANG

How on earth did I miss this?!

This video may top the one ThatWrestlingShow did for Final Battle 2009. I love the use of Arcade Fire, and it's awesome to see Indie Rock finally cross paths with Indy Wrestling. I've been wanting that for so goddamn long, it only makes sense.

Seriously though, I was already PSYCHED for this weekend (Easter weekend, mind you, where I'm LITERALLY LEAVING MY FAMILY to go watch The Big Bang), but now after seeing this I will feel NO REMORSE (pun intended) for watching Roderick Strong and Austin Aries challenge Tyler Black.

Watch the video. Go to GoFightLive.tv and buy this iPPV and support a company that makes me fucking proud to watch pro wrestling.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: WRESTLEMANIA XXVI REVIEW

I want to start off by saying I had a whole mess of fun watching the show last night. But I always somehow get myself all riled up by reading other people's thoughts before I put my own input in, and it almost ruins it for me. I think some people are forgetting what wrestling is/what it's about, and just want CM Punk to kiss them on the lips.

I love Punk too, (and would also accept his tender embrace) but let's have some perspective, shall we?

WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
LIKED: MAIN EVENTS
DIDN'T LIKE: NO BLOOD :(
Photo - WWE.com

LIKED
- WrestleMania. That definitely sounds like a redundant nerdy statement (i heart wreslemaenia!1), but I just do. I love how it's something people dress up for. And how huge it is. And how it really does feel like the most important thing ever for wrestling fans, with the week-long festivities, the Indy shows that surround it, and all of the bright lights, loud noises and fanfare that make it into the SPECTACLE (GRANDEUR MAJESTY MICHAEL COLE) that it is. It's nice having something so huge in a fake sport that feels real.
- New outfit day!! I become tickled pink and giddy with the sort of excitement my dad would disown me for when a guy comes out in a new outfit. Be it Miz's badass jacket, Cody looking like a naked Ken doll with a smoothed-off crotch area (was he wearing clothes, couldn't tell), Kofi's silly hair, Swagger's All-American American (American) robe, Punk's AWESOME GI JOE trunks, or Undertaker's ill-ass new sleeveless cloak, I was playing Project Runway special guest judge as they all came out, and loving it.
- Legacy Three-Way. It was stomp-central for a good part of it, but things took off once Cody and Ted started going at it. Cody's expertly timed dive on an almost-not-looking Ted was sweet, as was the entire finish sequence.
- MITB fear of death. I always just assume someone is going to slip and break their neck in these matches. Bourne's one-footed SSP to Christian was fucking insane, as was anything else he did in this match. This match had plenty to watch with Kofi on stilts (and nearly snapping his ankle in the rung of a ladder), Kane's chokeslam to Bourne to the outside, Matt Hardy taking a painful looking tumble through a ladder... good god.
- Jack THWAGGA! He didn't seem to do too much in the match, and him winning was totally unexpected. He... will probably be the first failed cash-in. Goddamn.
- The backstage Slim Jim segment. Mae Young, Mene Gean in a dress, oh man. I loved it. So funny. I couldn't stop laughing. Haaaaaaaa... dasdafdfasdasaddsffffffffffffff
- Punk/Mysterio. As much as I wanted it to go on forever and have Punk win in the end, you can't really lose when you watch these guys wrestle. A lot of fun spots, including the ending.
- Bret Hart treating Vince McMahon like Mick Foley and pummelling him with a chair for what must've been longer than the opening tag match.
- Bret Hart giving Vince McMahon the Sharpshooter at WrestleMania. If you travelled back in time with footage of this and showed it to a furious 12-year old me, I would've cried tears of sweet justice.
- The Main Events. Each one delivered. Edge/Jericho was fantastic, Cena/Batista was way better than their SummerSlam match, and Shawn/Taker was fucking glorious.
- Cena's unrecognized fucking crazy feat of strength when he stood up with Batista wrapped around his back. Then he FU'd the shit out of him. I got a hernia watching it on PPV.
- Cena celebrating in the arms of his haterzzzz.
- I totally thought Undertaker had blew his knee at the start. I am a big fat mark.
- And the first few minutes of this match were HOT AS FUCK. I feel like that might've been forgotten once the whole thing was over, but I loved it.
- Shawn's moonsault to Taker's legs through a table. I don't care where he meant to hit him, the fact that it looked like he did crazy damage to the leg he'd been working over all match was awesome.
- The redo of "I'm sorry, I love you" as "STAY DOWN... STAY DOWN... STAYD--JUMPINGTOMBSTONE"
- Shawn's farewell, and more importantly, what wasn't seen as he went backstage.

DIDN'T LIKE
- Guys who didn't get a new outfit to satisfy my bizarre self.
- I definitely wanted that big, oddly-placed rectangle of a screen on the Mania set to be a big drawbridge that lowers for the main event wrestlers to come out of or something. Can't you make me an electronic HD screen drawbridge, Vince?! GOD.
- The opening tag match. It was alright and all, and it made so much sense that ShoMiz won, but it was so so short, and I thought Miz and Morrison would pull out all the stops facing each other at WrestleMania in the opening match. Definitely expected at least one springboard 450 dive by Morrison. :(
- Orton beating Legacy. I really liked the match itself, and given the circumstances, probably neither Ted nor Cody should've won. But what does the story here tell us? Orton took these guys under his wing, slapped them around for 18 months then beat them at WrestleMania. "See, I AM better than you guys!" ... well, yeah!
- Jack Swagger cracking a safe on top of a ladder.
- How MITB is being under-utilized. I already hate myself for even saying that. But seriously. The match was fun and crazy and all, but every year the story just seems to be about pointing at the briefcase in the weeks leading up to WrestleMania, then a guy wins. I really think they could tie in some storylines that make it more interesting, and really make people give a damn who wins. We already care, but it'd be nice to have a story too. Maybe the new MITB PPV will change that.
- How obvious it is that Swagger will be the first to fail. His entire gimmick as of late has been that of a dude who fails at every turn. Getting beat-up by Santino, starting undefeated streaks that last not even one match... c'mon, he is cashing-in and losing any day now. If I get proved wrong, I'll be the happiest man not named Jack Swagger.
- Triple H/Sheamus. Had it's moments, but I was mostly bored. Sorry Trips. I don't know why they had to set this up as "if you don't beat me you're fading into obscurity, heh heh." And then he doesn't beat him.
- Vickie Guerrero's fucked up pin at the end, and the ref who REFUSED TO COMPROMISE HIS INTEGRITY and just count the goddamn three. "Uh, yer shoulder's up. ... sorry."
- I hate to say this... because Bret Hart has been my hero since I've been Sharpshooting guys with my action figures. But I really wish that match went differently. I loved seeing Bret make Vince tap out, and I loved the Sting/RVD like beatdown he put on him with the steel chair. But with the new no-blood rule, it's hard to not hold this match up against Shawn/Vince from WM22 where Vince was beaten within an inch of his life and go... "Shouldn't Bret get more revenge than Shawn?" It's such a petty thing, but it definitely took away from the match for me. I wanted to see Vince essentially wearing his skin inside out, but I should've known I wasn't getting that going into the show. And the whole convoluted "I hired your family" "Well I KNEW you hired my family so I convinced them to turn on you!" explanation. This feud needed a whole lot less of weird explanations after-the-fact and a whole lot more of Bret wiping Vince's blood on his chest. OKAY I'M DONE!
- Cena haterz.
- Michael Cole.

PHEW! All done. Like I said, I had a ton of fun watching this show. Really nothing more fun than watching Mania with a bunch of friends who also like wrestling.

Photo - WWE.com

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: WMXXVI PREDICTION CONTEST - RESULTS!

Show review to come - but first, prediction results!

WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
PREDICTION CONTEST RESULTS

It was insanely close, but we do have a clear-cut winner (no ties for first).

1. BSTAN80 (39 Pts.)
2. Arn Anderson (38 Pts.)
T3. Cory Chaos (37 Pts.)
T3. ihopeyouareok (37 Pts.)
T3. Steve (37 Pts.)
T3. TH (37 Pts.)
7. big ern (36 Pts.)
8. ScareChan (32 Pts.)
T9. Canadian Vampire (31 Pts.)
T9. TheTazDevil (31 Pts.)
T11. Heartless (30 Pts.)
T11. PIZZABODYSLAM (30 Pts.)
T11. TOH (30 Pts.)
14. TCU (29 Pts.)
15. Masa (28 Pts.)
16. bryans7 (27 Pts.)
T17. Miko (23 Pts.)
T17. Monkey Man (23 Pts.)
19. Mike (22 Pts.)
20. Kastrada (20 Pts.)
T21. SETUP DISK (18 Pts.)
T21. SyxxHallNash (18 Pts.)
23. Mario (16 Pts.)

I think I might do this for each PPV and have a monthly winner and a yearly winner (concluding at next year's WM). Or maybe I'll give up tomorrow. Who the fuck knows.

Either way, fun show, fun contest, girls just want to have fun [/wendirichter].

Sunday, March 28, 2010

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: BRET HART

Saving the best (there is, was, ever will be) for last.

BRET HART
WrestleMania Record: 7-6
WrestleMania Moment: Making Stone Cold Steve Austin at WrestleMania 13
WrestleMania History:
def. By Andre the Giant - Battle Royal (2)
def. (with Jim Neidhart) The British Bulldogs (III)
def. By Bad News Brown - Battle Royal (IV)
def. (with Jim Neidhart) The Honky Tonk Man & Greg Valentine (V)
def. (with Jim Neidhart) The Bolsheviks (VI)
def. (with Jim Neidhart) By The Nasty Boys (VII)
def. Roddy Piper (VIII)
def. By Yokozuna (IX)
def. By Owen Hart (X)
def. Yokozuna (X)
def. Bob Backlund (XI)
def. By Shawn Michaels (XII)
def. Steve Austin (13)

BRET HART'S
MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

Punching twelve years of douchbaggery out of Vince McMahon

BRET HART'S
ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

- Gave everything he had to the World Wrestling Federation
- WAS SCREWED BY VINCE MCMAHON
- Returned to make peace, but will settle for a vicious beatdown
- That's all that happened, Bret definitely did not fake break his leg in a phony car accident thanks to John Cena's hollywood connections, nope. Didn't happen. Okay? Good. Yeah. Didn't happen. Ever.

BRET HART'S
PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

Doesn't really matter because I won't be able to see shit through my tears.

BRET HART'S
PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

Bret Hart def. Vince McMahon via SHARPSHOOTER and Jim Ross' voice can be heard all the way from Oklahoma.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: WMXXVI PREDICTION CONTEST: LAST CHANCE!

You can totally change your picks up until 7:00 tonight. Divas match doesn't count but you can totally make your picks if you want.

With 10 more people in, it brings our total to 20. Here's what it looks like:

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

75% John Cena (15 Bets) (97 Pts.)

VS.

25% Batista (5 Bets) (20 Pts.)


WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

70% Edge (14 Bets) (94 Pts.)

VS.

30% Chris Jericho (6 Bets) (15 Pts.)


STREAK VS. CAREER

90% Undertaker (18 Bets) (103 Pts.)

VS.

10% Shawn Michaels (2 Bets) (9 Pts.)


NO HOLDS BARRED

100% Bret Hart (20 Bets) (164 Pts.)

VS.

0% Vince McMahon (0 Bets) (0 Pts.)


STRAIGHT-EDGE STIPULATION

60% Rey Mysterio (12 Bets) (58 Pts.)

VS.

40% CM Punk (8 Bets) (34 Pts.)


GRUDGE MATCH

80% Sheamus (16 Bets) (74 Pts.)

VS.

20% Triple H (4 Bets) (20 Pts.)


UNIFIED WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

80% ShoMiz (16 Bets) (62 Pts.)

VS.

20% Mo'Truth (4 Bets) (15 Pts.)


TRIPLE THREAT MATCH

75% Randy Orton (14 Bets) (64 Pts.)

VS.

15% Ted DiBiase (4 Bets) (16 Pts.)

VS.

10% Cody Rhodes (2 Bets) (7 Pts.)


MONEY IN THE BANK

1. 60% Christian (12 Bets) (30 Pts.)

2. 25% Drew McIntyre (5 Bets) (14 Pts.)

3. 10% Kofi Kingston (2 Bets) (3 Pts.)

4. 5% Jack Swagger (1 Bet) (1 Pt.)

T5. 0% Kane, Matt Hardy, Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, Shelton Benjamin & MVP (0 Bets) (0 Pts.)


And just for fun, here's who everyone is betting the farm on (their 9 point spot) in total:


BRET HART - 14

UNDERTAKER - 2

EDGE - 2

JOHN CENA - 2


Feel free to also throw in your random pick for who wins the pre-show Battle Royal.


WRESTLEMANIA OMG U GUYS

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: REY MYSTERIO

Rey needs to invent moves for the rest of the numbers in his phone number.

REY MYSTERIO
WrestleMania Record: 3-2
WrestleMania Moment: Winning his first World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 22
WrestleMania History:
def. By Matt Hardy (XIX)
def. By Chavo Guerrero - Cruiserweight Open (XX)
def. Eddie Guerrero (21)
def. Kurt Angle, Randy Orton (22)
def. JBL (XXV)

REY MYSTERIO'S
MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

Standing up for drugs and alcohol!

REY MYSTERIO'S
ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

- Did drugs
- That was his first mistake
- Eliminated CM Punk from the Elimination Chamber match
- That was his second mistake
- Did not agree with the way CM Punk is spreading his message
- That was his third mistake
- So he had to stand between his family and a psychotic CM Punk
- Became less of a fan of the Happy Birthday song
- Lost to Luke Gallows, which now means that if he loses to CM Punk at 'Mania, he will be forced to join the Straight-Edge Society. I hope they shave his mask.

REY MYSTERIO'S
PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

In some sort of amazing cross-promotion, I hope Mysterio comes to the ring as Kick-Ass.

REY MYSTERIO'S
PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

CM Punk def. Rey Mysterio to enlist him as the Straight-Edge Society's newest member.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: LEGACY

Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes have the MOMENTUM going into tonight. Sadly for them, in wrestling momentum means the opposite of what it does in real life.

LEGACY
WrestleMania Record: 0-0
WrestleMania Moment: Running in to make last year's Triple H/Randy Orton AMAZING! That's what happened right? I turned it off halfway through.
WrestleMania History:
N/A ... well, Cody lost in a pre-show Battle Royal or something.

LEGACY'S
MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

A triple threat match with their former handler, Randy Orton

LEGACY'S
ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

- Were born "better"
- Teamed with Randy Orton because he seems like a good role model
- Randy tried to fix Cody's lisp for a year and a half, but he just can't learn :(
- That's what this is all about

LEGACY'S
PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

I gotta say... it'll probably be the same as always. Maybe their dad's will accompany them. And dress the same as them. Which means Dusty will look terrifying because Cody is the most naked man to wrestle since Mideon. Seriously. No pads. Just underwear and shoes.

LEGACY'S
PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

Randy Orton def. Legacy with some kind of double-punt.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: UNDERTAKER

18-0 or 17-1?

UNDERTAKER
WrestleMania Record: 17-0 (duh)
WrestleMania Moment: Probably beating everyone ever
WrestleMania History:
def. Jimmy Snuka (VII)
def. Jake Roberts (VIII)
def. Giant Gonzalez (IX)
def. King Kong Bundy (XI)
def. Diesel (XII)
def. Sycho Sid (13)
def. Kane (XIV)
def. The Big Boss Man (XV)
def. Triple H (X-Seven)
def. Ric Flair (X8)
def. The Big Show & A-Train (XIX)
def. Kane (XX)
def. Randy Orton (21)
def. Mark Henry (22)
def. Batista (23)
def. Edge (XXIV)
def. Shawn Michaels (XXV)

UNDERTAKER'S
MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

A rematch of the greatest WrestleMania match of all-time

UNDERTAKER'S
ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

- Beat 16 different guys at WrestleMania
- Beat Shawn Michaels
- Shawn was like "rematch?"
- Taker's like "nope."
- Shawn goes postal at the Royal Rumble but can't win it
- So naturally, Shawn climbs out from under the Elimination Chamber like a ninja turtle and kicks Undertaker in his dead face
- Shawn was like "rematch?"
- Taker's like "ya bud"
- Mind games ensue

UNDERTAKER'S
PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Taker's entrance will be mind-numbingly epic. As many druids as there are fans. Smoke and fire and lightning and cauldrons and just craziness. He then slow-walks to the ring (unless one of those cauldrons get a hold of him, then it's a furious sprint) and he does the old "turn-the-lights-on-with-my-hands" thing, and there's more lightning and thunder.

But as he takes his hat off all dramatically, SHAWN SUPERKICKS HIS HEAD and begs for the bell to be rung! Taker kicks out, match continues, pants soiled.

UNDERTAKER'S
PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

Undertaker def. Shawn Michaels to maintain the greatest streak in all of sports (suck it Cal Ripken)