Here is what I seen't:
- TNA has the massive advantage here in Canada, getting a fifteen minute fucking jump on RAW. This means that Impact has my undivided attention for the entire opening segment of their show, and if it hooks me, I could be in for the long haul.
So naturally TNA started the show with Eric Bischoff playing guitar. For like a full two minutes. And not even really playing. Clearly faking it.
- Jesus fucking Stallone was this craziness. Not only did it not make sense, when Eric Bischoff tried to explain it, it made even less sense. Then Jeff Jarrett comes out and is all "you aint gon get th'best of me" and Eric makes fun of him anyway. Jarrett teases a guitar shot, walks away, Bischoff says the same shit he just said to his face, this somehow irks Jarrett more than it did a second ago, so he explodes a guitar over Bischoffs head.
- Bischoff sells like he's been blinded and your fifteen minutes are up, TNA. I may only use these words once on this blog.
- HBK comes out and I feel like I can breathe again after TNA suffocated me for those fifteen minutes. Shawn's history class was awesome, making reference to Jannetty, the Iron Man Match, etc. Taker then interrupts with a video he's made (good editing Deadman), which is super sweet.
- Pete Rose makes his presence felt by looking completely insane and speaking like a mental patient, but hey, it's Pete Rose so HOW BOUT IT.
- A Batista/Cena recap video airs, time to switch.
- I get to see about two seconds of Flair wheeling around and seemingly convulsing as AJ hobbles along in crutches. Comic genius 8/10 the perfect segment.
- ShoMiz come out, followed by Mo'Truth (is that name a go, or what?) and the two of them do a hilarious pose/weird-K-Kwik-dance-off in slow motion with fireworks. Miz and Morrison then proceed to have the best singles match on either show.
- Here comes Hogan and Abyss (fat, wet and with what looks like ketchup and mustard stains on his shirt) to make some kind of announcement. "Abyssamaniacs" doesn't really roll off your tongue like "Hulkamaniacs," does it? This is reason #infinity why Abyss being Hogan's golden boy doesn't work and makes me wretch in my mouth. Pretty sure at one point in this interview Hogan's dentures nearly come galloping out of his mouth.
Hogan announces that Abyss will be the captain of Team... HOGAN!
- We had a nerdy action station on the go, where Impact was streaming on a laptop while we watched RAW. Don't judge me. Both of these segments were impossible to not watch, thus giving me the most entertainment per square inch I've had since I played with my action figures while watching wrestling.
- On RAW, Miz and Morrison are tearing it up. Moonsaults, top rope powerbombs, burning hammers (not really), great match.
- On Impact, Abyssamania is coined (stupid), apparently it runs "fatal" on people, and Ric Flair saves the day by wheeling out and getting clotheslined out of his wheelchair. Then about ten things happen while the lights go out. Sting appears perched on the top rope, Hogan has BOTH hands handcuffed to the ropes, AJ is no longer in need of crutches and Abyss is getting the wet beat out of him.
- Watching these shows on two screens makes you realize how they are not at all the same form of entertainment. Impact is full-tilt chaos with no stories being told ever, and RAW is by the book (occasionally to a fault where it feels like you can predict it word by word) where stories take time to be fleshed out.
- RAW goes to commercial and Pope makes the big save. Abyss and Hogan become a taunt factory.
- After the commercial, Michael Cole manages to invent the word "intenser."
- Another Cena/'Tist vid airs. Peace.
- RVD, Hardy and Moore show up and Christy Hemme laughs. Drugs.
- Tomko gets a Global Title shot by employing the foolproof TNA strategy of staying off TV for months.
- Jack THWAGGA is looking sharp at the announce booth. Kofi, after a sweet ring-exit handspring thing, eventually beats Kozlov to put himself in the MITB. Can't say anyone didn't see it coming, but hey, s'all gravy to me.
- Jarrett/Foley recap.
- Cody Rhodes on the mic, proving he is the better talker of the two Legacy boys.
- Beer Money are apparently both going to referee the Jarrett/Foley loser gets fired, winner is bitch match.
- Foley and Jarrett trade near falls in slow motion.
- Handicap match is underway. Good tension between Orton and Triple H, even though they inexplicably seems to respect one another. If anyone tries to explain that by saying they are wrestling's Batman and Joker, I'll punch a hole through your head.
- The longest match in TNA history continues (9 mins or so). Eric Bischoff says TNA is not big enough for Foley and Jarrett. Probably true, in one way. But if Tomko can still be on the payroll after months of being AWOL, then TNA is big enough for anybody to show up, hang around, disappear, whatever, any time at all.
- SHAYMUS PUMP KICK
- Everyone is sad, because Foley lost. Somehow I feel like this send off will not really be quite the same as Shawn Michaels' if he loses this Sunday.
- Triple H is grunting at Sheamus after ejecting him from the ring, and the THIRD 'Tist/Cena video airs. Holy they really NEVER GIVE UP with this. At least Batista is killing it like crazy.
- Jeff Hardy and RVD make the big save for the Beer Money beatdown, and set up the main event. I will tune the fuck in for this, because they are the two most legit stars TNA has and they deserve to close the show.
- WrestleMania Week is outlined. There is an art expo. It will be attended by nobody.
- Bret/Vince RECAP.
- Mick Foley says goodbye by knocking Bubba the Love Sponge's nose off of his face. I rejoiced out loud.
- Bret Hart delivers a promo that I totally enjoyed, despite some obvious slip-ups. And, even though this feud has taken some truly bizarre, unnecessary turns, I am still excited for their match on Sunday.
- Also there is a big Batista head in the crowd that keeps popping up like the whoopsie guy from Mortal Kombat that is killing me.
- Jeff Hardy is applying his own facepaint because he is an ARTIST. Maybe he'll attend the art expo. Or at least jump some sculptures on his motorbike.
- Beer Money vs. Drug Money still to come (credit: Steve. i loled).
- Matt Morgan comes out, does his flip-off-the-robe taunt, which leaves the robe still on his head. Hernandez punches him out of it and we change the channel.
- HBK vs. Kane is off to a wild pace (for Kane), and we notice that Hernandez is seriously hurt on the IMPACT ACTION STATION LIVE FEED. We debate if it's real of not until we see the replay of Morgan doing some kind of Sheamus pump-kick to cause this injury. We feel silly.
- Undertaker and Kane do some crazy brother-body-swapping voodoo shit, but HBK STILL survives. Sweet match.
- We catch a few frames of a recap of The Band from Destination-X, and see Scott Hall posing on top of Sean Waltman in a way that is more disgusting than the most vile porn I have or will ever see.
- Main Event gets underway.
- Bob Uecker will be in the WWE Hall of Fame. Sounds great, but I need to see me that Impact Main Event.
- This match has been super solid so far. Jeff Hardy looks to be in top drawer form, and Beer Money can't be ignored either.
- RVD is EXPLODING with the hot tag, taking everybody out, and we get an epic finish with a Swanton/5-Star 1-2 punch. Best match on either show for the entire night.
- Batista then delivers the best promo on either show, because he is a natural born dickhead and plays the heel with sheer brilliance. I LOVES IT. His John Cena impersonation was the funniest goddamn thing of all time. Cena then comes out and speaks softly for a bit before fighting an entire security force.
RAW VS. IMPACT 3/22
Impact may have had the match of the night, but that's really it. Everything else was sheer insanity, some of which made me feel embarrassed. They have guys just waiting in the wings that can tear it down week after week, but they choose to go with Eric Bischoff on pretend guitar instead.
WHAT I SAW IN MINUTES
IMPACT: 1 HOUR, 5 MINUTES
RAW: 1 HOUR, 28 MINUTES
MATCHES OF THE NIGHT
1. Beer Money vs. Jeff Hardy & Rob Van Dam (IMPACT)
2. The Miz vs. John Morrison (RAW)
3. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane (RAW)