Monday, March 29, 2010


I want to start off by saying I had a whole mess of fun watching the show last night. But I always somehow get myself all riled up by reading other people's thoughts before I put my own input in, and it almost ruins it for me. I think some people are forgetting what wrestling is/what it's about, and just want CM Punk to kiss them on the lips.

I love Punk too, (and would also accept his tender embrace) but let's have some perspective, shall we?

Photo -

- WrestleMania. That definitely sounds like a redundant nerdy statement (i heart wreslemaenia!1), but I just do. I love how it's something people dress up for. And how huge it is. And how it really does feel like the most important thing ever for wrestling fans, with the week-long festivities, the Indy shows that surround it, and all of the bright lights, loud noises and fanfare that make it into the SPECTACLE (GRANDEUR MAJESTY MICHAEL COLE) that it is. It's nice having something so huge in a fake sport that feels real.
- New outfit day!! I become tickled pink and giddy with the sort of excitement my dad would disown me for when a guy comes out in a new outfit. Be it Miz's badass jacket, Cody looking like a naked Ken doll with a smoothed-off crotch area (was he wearing clothes, couldn't tell), Kofi's silly hair, Swagger's All-American American (American) robe, Punk's AWESOME GI JOE trunks, or Undertaker's ill-ass new sleeveless cloak, I was playing Project Runway special guest judge as they all came out, and loving it.
- Legacy Three-Way. It was stomp-central for a good part of it, but things took off once Cody and Ted started going at it. Cody's expertly timed dive on an almost-not-looking Ted was sweet, as was the entire finish sequence.
- MITB fear of death. I always just assume someone is going to slip and break their neck in these matches. Bourne's one-footed SSP to Christian was fucking insane, as was anything else he did in this match. This match had plenty to watch with Kofi on stilts (and nearly snapping his ankle in the rung of a ladder), Kane's chokeslam to Bourne to the outside, Matt Hardy taking a painful looking tumble through a ladder... good god.
- Jack THWAGGA! He didn't seem to do too much in the match, and him winning was totally unexpected. He... will probably be the first failed cash-in. Goddamn.
- The backstage Slim Jim segment. Mae Young, Mene Gean in a dress, oh man. I loved it. So funny. I couldn't stop laughing. Haaaaaaaa... dasdafdfasdasaddsffffffffffffff
- Punk/Mysterio. As much as I wanted it to go on forever and have Punk win in the end, you can't really lose when you watch these guys wrestle. A lot of fun spots, including the ending.
- Bret Hart treating Vince McMahon like Mick Foley and pummelling him with a chair for what must've been longer than the opening tag match.
- Bret Hart giving Vince McMahon the Sharpshooter at WrestleMania. If you travelled back in time with footage of this and showed it to a furious 12-year old me, I would've cried tears of sweet justice.
- The Main Events. Each one delivered. Edge/Jericho was fantastic, Cena/Batista was way better than their SummerSlam match, and Shawn/Taker was fucking glorious.
- Cena's unrecognized fucking crazy feat of strength when he stood up with Batista wrapped around his back. Then he FU'd the shit out of him. I got a hernia watching it on PPV.
- Cena celebrating in the arms of his haterzzzz.
- I totally thought Undertaker had blew his knee at the start. I am a big fat mark.
- And the first few minutes of this match were HOT AS FUCK. I feel like that might've been forgotten once the whole thing was over, but I loved it.
- Shawn's moonsault to Taker's legs through a table. I don't care where he meant to hit him, the fact that it looked like he did crazy damage to the leg he'd been working over all match was awesome.
- The redo of "I'm sorry, I love you" as "STAY DOWN... STAY DOWN... STAYD--JUMPINGTOMBSTONE"
- Shawn's farewell, and more importantly, what wasn't seen as he went backstage.

- Guys who didn't get a new outfit to satisfy my bizarre self.
- I definitely wanted that big, oddly-placed rectangle of a screen on the Mania set to be a big drawbridge that lowers for the main event wrestlers to come out of or something. Can't you make me an electronic HD screen drawbridge, Vince?! GOD.
- The opening tag match. It was alright and all, and it made so much sense that ShoMiz won, but it was so so short, and I thought Miz and Morrison would pull out all the stops facing each other at WrestleMania in the opening match. Definitely expected at least one springboard 450 dive by Morrison. :(
- Orton beating Legacy. I really liked the match itself, and given the circumstances, probably neither Ted nor Cody should've won. But what does the story here tell us? Orton took these guys under his wing, slapped them around for 18 months then beat them at WrestleMania. "See, I AM better than you guys!" ... well, yeah!
- Jack Swagger cracking a safe on top of a ladder.
- How MITB is being under-utilized. I already hate myself for even saying that. But seriously. The match was fun and crazy and all, but every year the story just seems to be about pointing at the briefcase in the weeks leading up to WrestleMania, then a guy wins. I really think they could tie in some storylines that make it more interesting, and really make people give a damn who wins. We already care, but it'd be nice to have a story too. Maybe the new MITB PPV will change that.
- How obvious it is that Swagger will be the first to fail. His entire gimmick as of late has been that of a dude who fails at every turn. Getting beat-up by Santino, starting undefeated streaks that last not even one match... c'mon, he is cashing-in and losing any day now. If I get proved wrong, I'll be the happiest man not named Jack Swagger.
- Triple H/Sheamus. Had it's moments, but I was mostly bored. Sorry Trips. I don't know why they had to set this up as "if you don't beat me you're fading into obscurity, heh heh." And then he doesn't beat him.
- Vickie Guerrero's fucked up pin at the end, and the ref who REFUSED TO COMPROMISE HIS INTEGRITY and just count the goddamn three. "Uh, yer shoulder's up. ... sorry."
- I hate to say this... because Bret Hart has been my hero since I've been Sharpshooting guys with my action figures. But I really wish that match went differently. I loved seeing Bret make Vince tap out, and I loved the Sting/RVD like beatdown he put on him with the steel chair. But with the new no-blood rule, it's hard to not hold this match up against Shawn/Vince from WM22 where Vince was beaten within an inch of his life and go... "Shouldn't Bret get more revenge than Shawn?" It's such a petty thing, but it definitely took away from the match for me. I wanted to see Vince essentially wearing his skin inside out, but I should've known I wasn't getting that going into the show. And the whole convoluted "I hired your family" "Well I KNEW you hired my family so I convinced them to turn on you!" explanation. This feud needed a whole lot less of weird explanations after-the-fact and a whole lot more of Bret wiping Vince's blood on his chest. OKAY I'M DONE!
- Cena haterz.
- Michael Cole.

PHEW! All done. Like I said, I had a ton of fun watching this show. Really nothing more fun than watching Mania with a bunch of friends who also like wrestling.

Photo -

1 comment:

  1. that backstage walk was epic. hugs Rick Steamboat! Gratuitously kisses his wife (okay, tastefully kisses his wife) then gets props from Bret! I have to imagine deep down that Bret Hart wishes stupid Goldberg never kicked him in the fucking head and he could have one last epic mania match. Fuck. The Sharpshooter was great, but the crowbar... well..