SMACKDOWN! REVIEW - 07/30/10: I CAN'T THWIM

This show was filled with ups and downs and dips and dives.

SMACKDOWN! 07/30/10

LIKE: WRESTLING-FOCUSED

DISLIKE: LIVE MONTAGES

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- The actual wrestling! This show had a bizarre balance of fun, solid wrestling mixed with show-ruining plotholes and strange storyline choices. But, the wrestling itself, was really fun. Drew's shoulder-breaker-with-the-steel-steps-as-his-knee was a huge highlight in his match with Christian. Dolph/Kofi was not quite as exciting, at least in the crowd's eyes, but still a good back an forth battle. Rey/Swagger had plenty of brawling through the arena and the powerbomb-into-the-guardrail from Swagger scared some children. Great stuff to watch.

- Kofi Kingston showing he hates Vickie Guerrero as much as we do.

- "Dashing" Cody Rhodes' grooming tips. HOLY HELL. Best thing going anywhere and everywhere. He is SO funny it hurts. I was shocked to hear that some people actually don't like this. But I suppose that's the point. I can't help but love it.

- CM Punk's fourth-quarter football-coach rally-the-troops promo... although I guess it was more "threaten" than rally. Untouchable on the mic, as always.

- Big Show's "I'm a dead bear" face when his fat hand got stomped on. What a drooly freak.

- The Alberto Del Rio videos. Not sure if he totally understands what his new name is. Or maybe his accent is so smooth that I can't understand him.

- Jack Swagger's hop, skip and a jump out of Rey's headscissors to fling himself into the water.

DISLIKED

- Kane's bullshit live montage soliloquy of BULLSHIT. It was agonizing to watch. Anyone seen the South Park where they make fun of wrestling? That was this. And do we really need to turn his promo into a montage as it happens? Aren't we going to have weeks of montages anyway? The music during the promo is so awful. It just slaps you in the face saying THIS IS FAKE LOL.

- Kane's accusation of Rey Mysterio being Undertaker's attacker not being questioned by the announcers AT ALL. He's built a career on being a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH - maybe we shouldn't believe everything that comes out of his goddamn mouth.

- Kofi Kingston getting DQ'd for fighting. He didn't break a count. Didn't use a weapon, give a low blow, hit the ref, ANYTHING. He got disqualified for literally being aggressive. Even if the argument is he didn't take heed of the ref's warning, why would he get a warning? FOR FIGHTING TOO HARD?! "Whoa, hold on Kofi, this is fake, remember? You're disqualified." How can that happen on the same show that Kane promises to KILL a man?! GAH.

- The camera that was waiting for Swagger and Rey as they came out of the arena. Was there any need to have that special extra camera just so we could confirm that this is indeed fake? Why couldn't that initial camera that was following them just keep following them? Why was that camera out there, in kayfabe? Filming... NOTHING!? This show was full of small details that took you out of the show and made you think about how this is fake.

I am hating on this show pretty hard, but when these little things add up and up and up, it gets hard to ignore and takes away from the good stuff, and there was some really good stuff. And it's even more frustrating when this show is normally not filled with this kind of stuff.

I totally get why a lot of these things are done. It's entertainment, and they love telling us that now. Sure, cool, I get it, high five. But can't it be entertainment that doesn't constantly rub it in my face that it's fake? People don't like their TV shows and movies with plot holes and inconsistencies, so why would we like our wrestling, ahem, action-entertainment, that way?

I feel like all of my sentences in this review have ended with a question mark.

RESULTS OF THE TWB DRAFT SPECTACULAR

The 2010 TWB Draft Spectacular is IN THE BOOKS. You can read through the entire Lord-of-the-Rings-Trilogy-length thing here, which includes a spat I got into with another guy who was shit-talking KENTA, and you know I can't stand for that. It was all in good fun though, and I'd do it all over again.

Here is my roster, and the other three fellers' rosters. I obviously won. So you can just say that in the comments section and move along. Because I am the best in the world at what I do. Internet fantasy wrestling drafts.

PIZZABODYSLAM'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: CHRIS JERICHO

Photo - WWE.com

2. Daniel Bryan

3. The Undertaker

4. Kurt Angle

5. Chris Hero

6. Triple H

7. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero

8. Davey Richards

9. KENTA

10. The Hart Dynasty (with Bret Hart & Natalya)

11. Nigel McGuinness

12. Mick Foley

13. Eddie Kingston

14. Kane

15. Jimmy Jacobs

16. Joey Ryan

17. Shelton Benjamin

18. Larry Sweeney

19. Takeshi Morishima

20. Eddie Edwards

21. Young Bucks

22. Colt Cabana

KOPPOKICK'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: JOHN CENA

Photo - WWE.com

2. AJ Styles

3. Rob Van Dam (Traded to Dylan/Brandon for Rey Mysterio)

4. Christian

5. Evan Bourne

6. Sheamus

7. Dolph Ziggler

8. Jeff Jarrett

9. Claudio Castagnoli

10. William Regal

11. Homicide and Hernandez

12. Mike Knox

13. Ric Flair

14. Low Ki

15. Alex Shelley

16. Chris Sabin

17. Yoshi Tatsu

18. Jay Briscoe

19. Mark Briscoe

20. Jigsaw

21. Jack Evans and Teddy Hart

22. Primo

TH'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: CM PUNK

Photo - Speechless Superstars Tumblr

2. Batista

3. Jeff Hardy

4. Samoa Joe

5. Mike Quackenbush

6. Jack Swagger

7. Austin Aries

8. MVP

9. Beth Phoenix and Awesome Kong

10. Kofi Kingston

11. Mark Henry

12. Necro Butcher

13. Zack Ryder

14. Goldust

15. Wade Barrett

16. El Generico

17. Finlay

18. Delirious

19. Skip Sheffield

20. Christopher Daniels

21. Kevin Steen & Steve Corino

22. UltraMantis Black

DYLAN/BRANDON'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: REY MYSTERIO (TRADED TO KOPPOKICK FOR ROB VAN DAM)

Photo - WWE.com

2. Randy Orton

3. The Miz

4. Big Show

5. Goldberg

6. Edge

7. James Storm

8. Robert Roode

9. John Morrison

10. The Beautiful People

11. Shawn Michaels

12. Joey Mercury

13. Sabu

14. Scott Steiner

15. Booker T

16. Mr. Anderson

17. Adam Bomb

18. Viscera

19. Vader

20. Sting

21. Brian Kendrick and Paul London

22. The Shockmaster

And, just for fun, let's say I had to fantasy book a one-off show TOOONIGHT, using as every single guy I drafted. Here is what I would throw together.

CO-MAIN EVENT - DREAM TAG TEAM MATCH

Chris Jericho & Davey Richards vs. Daniel Bryan & KENTA

CO-MAIN EVENT - SUBMISSION MATCH

Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle

TAG TEAM MATCH

The Hart Dynasty (with Bret Hart and Natalya Neidhart) vs. The Young Bucks

UNDENIABLE ROH WORLD TITLE REMATCH

Nigel McGuinness vs. Takeshi Morishima

NO ONE KICKS OUT OF THE PEDIGREE

Triple H vs. Joey Ryan

FIGHT WITHOUT HONOR

"That Young Knockout Kid" Chris Hero (with Larry Sweeney) vs. Eddie Kingston (with Mick Foley!)

SIX MAN MAYHEM

Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Colt Cabana vs. Jimmy Jacobs vs. Eddie Edwards vs. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero

There! Seven pretty epic matches. Or... six epic matches and one match of six dudes thrown together. Although, if I can get into a Six Man Mayhem match with Rashce Brown and five jobbers, then I can definitely get into this one.

SMACKDOWN! PREVIEW WELL IN ADVANCE

Just a quick note:

Seems like after last week's not-so-wrestling-focused show (but chock-full of juicy storyline progress), this week Smackdown! will be all about the wrestling matches themselves. At least, that's what it seems like on paper:

SMACKDOWN! 4/9/10

Non-Spoiler Match Listing

#1 CONTENDER TO THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

Edge vs. Chris Jericho

GRUDGE MATCH

Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy

NON-TITLE MATCH

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison

STREET FIGHT

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

TAG TEAM MATCH

The Hart Dynasty vs. Trent Baretta & Caylen Croft

If Mysterio/Punk and Edge/Jericho get the first hour and second hour main event spots (which they obviously should) and get some time, along with the other matches on the card, you can bet your John Cena Bulldog Yarmulke that I'll be parked in front of the TV Friday night for good.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: REY MYSTERIO

Rey needs to invent moves for the rest of the numbers in his phone number.

REY MYSTERIO

WrestleMania Record: 3-2

WrestleMania Moment: Winning his first World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 22

WrestleMania History:

def. By Matt Hardy (XIX)

def. By Chavo Guerrero - Cruiserweight Open (XX)

def. Eddie Guerrero (21)

def. Kurt Angle, Randy Orton (22)

def. JBL (XXV)

REY MYSTERIO'S

MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

Standing up for drugs and alcohol!

REY MYSTERIO'S

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

- Did drugs

- That was his first mistake

- Eliminated CM Punk from the Elimination Chamber match

- That was his second mistake

- Did not agree with the way CM Punk is spreading his message

- That was his third mistake

- So he had to stand between his family and a psychotic CM Punk

- Became less of a fan of the Happy Birthday song

- Lost to Luke Gallows, which now means that if he loses to CM Punk at 'Mania, he will be forced to join the Straight-Edge Society. I hope they shave his mask.

REY MYSTERIO'S

PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

In some sort of amazing cross-promotion, I hope Mysterio comes to the ring as Kick-Ass.

REY MYSTERIO'S

PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

CM Punk def. Rey Mysterio to enlist him as the Straight-Edge Society's newest member.

WHY THIS SHOULD HAPPEN: PUNK/REY, BRET AT WRESTLEMANIA

REY MYSTERIO VS. CM PUNK

MASK VS. HAIR AT WRESTLEMANIA 26

At first I was like "wtf guys". But now I'm like, "ohhh that the fuck guys". I get it now. Actually it just took me a sec.

Normally, I would rather have Punk in a headlining-type role for WrestleMania this year, what with him competing in the MITB matches two years in a row. So a match with Mysterio with no real legs as of right now would seem like a downgrade, right?

Maybe not.

Punk's current storyline of building a Straight-Edge Society is crazy good. It was until last week's show that I realized that his Jesus-like beard wasn't just a fashion choice. It's clearly a part of the story, and I feel like a dope for missing it.

Luke (biblical name) Gallows is being referred to as Punk's disciple. Just this past week, Punk seems to have recruited another disciple in James (biblical name, an apostle to be exact), a regular fan from the crowd who he "saved" from the evils of alcohol, cigarettes and prescription medication.

If Punk continues recruiting people from the crowd with biblical names (or even the remaining names for the Twelve Apostles... although it'll be tough to convince people that a dude in the crowd is actually named Thaddeus), I will mark the fuck out. Portraying CM Punk as a Jesus Christ character (and if that's not enough, his real name is Phil, another one of Jesus' Twelve Apostles) without overtly stating so will get him more and more heat (as if he needs anymore) as he goes along.

And if this is built strongly towards WrestleMania, and Punk loses to Mysterio and has his head shaved just like the rest of his disciples (or apostles, followers, recruits, whatevs), it will be awesome.

Like a crucifixion.

Er... I don't mean crucifixions are awesome. But this one will be the best one I've ever dun seen!

PLUS, this match could easily steal the show just based on pure wrestling ability, especially if Jericho/Edge doesn't happen, and if Undertaker doesn't have Shawn Michaels to contend with.

DOUBLE PLUS, this feud could start very easily, with maybe Punk looking to save a fan wearing one of Mysterio's masks. And Mysterio had a publicized wellness policy violation last year that Punk could bring up as well. I'm getting more and more excited about this the more I talk about it OMGGUYS.

Punk vs. Rey, hair vs. mask, WrestleMania 26. This should happen.

BRET HART AND SHAWN MICHAELS

VS. TRIPLE H AND VINCE MCMAHON

My original prediction had Bret teaming with the Hart Dynasty to take on DX and Vince, but that obviously is not going to happen. So I'm taking another shot at it!

Bret and Shawn have reconciled. But Triple H and Bret certainly haven't.

A DX split has been seemingly brewing for some time now.

Vince mentioned to Orton that he had security of his own. What better security than his son-in-law and closest and best brah THEDESTROYERTRIPLEH!

It makes a lot of sense match-wise too. Just having Bret vs. Vince wouldn't really work, I don't think. It'd be too risky. And my earlier-predicted six-man tag would require two tag teams to fully turn, which isn't an easy and believable thing to do with the time given.

But with Shawn teaming with Bret and Vince teaming with Hunter, the bulk of the match could be handled by DX, with Bret and Vince hanging out on the apron until it's their time to shine, and get that big pop for the Sharpshooter.

I don't know how it could happen. Maybe some kind of tension at the Rumble. But DX could split, then one night on RAW, Hunter and Vince could lay a beating on Bret until Shawn makes the glorious save.

And I'll cry.

Bret and Shawn vs. Triple H and Vince at WrestleMania 26. This should happen.

MOMENTS 2009: MARKING OUT FOR TAKER/HBK & REY/JERICHO

Looking back on 2009, two distinct moments stand out for me in terms of watching a live WWE PPV, and they both involve me marking the fuck out like an 11-year old having a Royal Rumble with his action figures (a.k.a. me when I was 15).

WRESTLEMANIA XXV: UNDERTAKER VS. SHAWN MICHAELS

'TAKER NOSEDIVES WITH HIS BRAIN BREAKING HIS FALL

I watched WrestleMania 25 in a group of about ten people, and I think everyone screamed bloody murder when The Undertaker landed completely upside down in a perfect head-first dive to the floor. One moment he was horizontal, the next, he was accordioning himself on the concrete with his head being the point of impact.

After the screaming died out, I'm pretty sure most of us just assumed he was now an actual dead man. It was super scary, and added another (like it needed it) layer of drama to an already classic match, even if it wasn't meant to go that way.

THE BASH: CHRIS JERICHO VS. REY MYSTERIO

JERICHO UNMASKS MYSTERIO

But not quite.

It was a fantastic match through and through, but I was out of my seat for the entire finish. I was had hook, line and sinker for the entire thing. When Jericho swiped Mysterio's mask, I was shocked, then further shocked when Mysterio was still running around the ring, then even further shocked to see a second mask, and by the time I could process it all, Mysterio had Jericho beat.

It was a perfectly executed finish to a near perfect match, with psychology that was executed like a wrestling feud, not a sports entertainment feud.

But the thing I remember most about these two moments was the reaction they gave me. No matter how I'll get sour on WWE, or how much I like ROH, or wrestling that is more about the wrestling than the silliness scripted around it, WWE still found a way to get me out of my seat when I was at home watching a PPV.

Granted, it was really only a couple times a year that that happened... but... yeah. Still counts!

- mitts