Saturday, March 27, 2010

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: BATISTA

Big Dave has missed two WrestleMania's since debuting at XX (22 & XXV). At 23 he didn't make a triumphant return to the big stage (lost to 'Taker), what will happen when he returns on Sunday?

BATISTA
WrestleMania Record: 3-1
WrestleMania Moment: Defeating his former mentor Triple H to win his first World Championship.
WrestleMania History:
def. (with Randy Orton & Ric Flair) The Rock & Mick Foley (XX)
def. Triple H (21)
def. By Undertaker (23)
def. Umaga (XXIV)

BATISTA'S
MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Defending his WWE Championship against 12 Rounds' John Cena

BATISTA'S
ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - My own camera

- Felt Rey Mysterio was SPOSEDABEHISFRENNNN
- Became the biggest dickhead (what a dickhead)
- Was eliminated from the Royal Rumble by John Cena
- Did not appreciate that
- Smacked Bret Hart around for good measure
- Beat the sweatbands off John Cena after RAW went off the air, because Big Dave does not restrain himself to television schedules
- Beat John Cena for the WWE Championship seconds after he had won it at Elimination Chamber (forcing John Cena to crawl towards the big WrestleMania sign and reach out longingly to it)
- Faced John Cena in a match to determine if Cena would fight for Big Dave's WWE Title at WrestleMania
- Shadow-boxed for twelve minutes on his way to the ring
- Kicked Cena where the sun can't c him (thus throwing the match)
- Shadow-boxed some more
- Revealed his contempt for John Cena (and how he wants to face him at Mania) because he was "corporate created" and in the media's eye
- Went "heh heh" and dressed like he came from a post-apocolyptic future where AWA-era Road Warriors were the pinnacle of fashion
- Made believers out of all of his smark haters (me most definitely included) because he has never been better

BATISTA'S
PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

I predict Big Dave debuts some new entrance attire. Maybe a vest (like he's been wearing lately). Or something hilarious he strips off before doing the big "all eyes on me" spotlight-controlling thumbs.

I also predict he does more bodybuilding flexes and poses per second than ever before, and makes one child cry.

BATISTA'S
PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI
Photo - WWE.com

John Cena def. Batista, because Cena NEVER GIVES UP.

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