ROYAL RUMBLE REVIEW: DESTINY DEF. FAITH

That makes it sound like this PPV was headlined by strippers.

But what it really means is that CM Punk had faith and was eliminated by John Cena and his leprechaun companion, while Alberto Del Rio fulfilled his destiny by winning the Royal Rumble (but you already knew that). And you probably already knew that I was going to say "but you already knew that."

ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO

IT'S HIS DENSITY DESTINY!!

Photo - WWE.com

Has one Royal Rumble match ever had so much comedy? Between Hornswoggle's slapstick, Santino's near win, and Cena and Orton's utterly heatless staredown(s!), no gut was left unbusted last night.

In addition to the comedy, there was also wrestling.

WWE 2011 ROYAL RUMBLE

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

EDGE VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

Holy BALLS does Dolph Ziggler bump like Shawn Michaels or what? I'm sure I'm not the first guy to draw that comparison, but watching him fly around the ring reminds me of early HBK (I just watched the '92 Rumble where he bumped like a fish out of water for the whole thing). He might wrestle with more conviction than anyone on the roster right now, save for the ROH alumni I mark like a fangirl (I'm a boy) for.

Ziggler brought out the best in Edge last night - but y'know what brought out even more "the best" (that doesn't make sense) in Edge last night? NOT USING THE SPEAR. With the spear banned, Edge was forced to find new (or old) ways to win, and that made him more entertaining in the ring than he's been in a long time. Maybe that's because he's been in the ring with Kane for a long time. But that's beside the point.

The point is, this was the hottest match bell-to-bell of the entire night. And Dolph Ziggler will find himself in more World Title matches as the year goes on, because he's doing what very few guys can do - overcome brutal gimmicks (Spirit Squad, Dolph Ziggler, etc.) with unmistakeable talent.

ROYAL RUMBLE (FIRST HALF)

When the Royal Rumble kicks off with something that would crash the ROH Message Board ten times over, you know you're in for a good match. Or at least good first half, as was the case last night (for me). You don't need me to tell you how fun it was to watch Punk and Bryan go at it (and when William Regal was thrown in the mix I think my boner leapt off and did a dance), or John Morrison's THE FLOOR IS LAVA THE FLOOR IS LAVA elimination save, or Miz eliminating Cena, or Santino's charisma overdose at the end, or Booker T (holy--) or Diesel (--fuck) or anything, because you know how awesome these things were.

THE BOOKING OF: NEXUS = FOUR STEVE AUSTINS, JOHN CENA = BRET HART

Kind of.

You get to see this every now and then in the Rumble. Punk did it last year. Austin did it in '97. A heel clears the ring and starts chucking jobbers as they come in, one-by-one, until they finally run into their ultimate foe. For Punk (2010) it was Triple H. For Austin, it was Bret. And for Nexus, it was Cena. The entire lead up to that, including Booker T lighting up the entire crowd until they were completely deflated when Mason Ryan eliminated him, was perfect.

ALBERTO DELLLL RIIIIIIOOO!

I could feel the rage-sweat beading on the brows of smarks everywhere when it really seemed like Orton or Cena would win. And then I could hear the nervous sigh of relief when Del Rio dumped Orton over the top, and Ricardo Rodriguez made the six and a half minute winning call.

To point out how crazy this win is, Del Rio debuted in the WWE on August 20th, 2009 - four months and ten days before winning the Royal Rumble. Yokozuna is the only man in history to do it faster, and Del Rio did it about a half-year faster than some UFC guy named Brock Lesnar.

In other Rumble trivia, Del Rio is undefeated in Royal Rumble competition, alongside Lesnar and uh, Vince McMahon (he only has two Royal Rumble functions - go the distance and win or blow both quads).

RANDY ORTON, SOULLESS INDIVIDUAL

I like it when Randy Orton RKO's stupid people. Or when he gets so mad in the ring that smarks thinks he's mad for real. Or when he pitches Alex Riley over the top rope like he's DJ Jazzy Jeff. Or when he gets a look on his face that he might do something psycho like disembowel Vickie Guerrero. But...

2011 ROYAL RUMBLE

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON, HEATLESS INDIVIDUAL

When Randy Orton isn't turbo-RKOing eight people at once, apparently people (and I) don't give a shit about him. I already mentioned it once, but could you believe your eyes (and ears) when the smoke cleared in the Rumble, bodies were everywhere, and John Cena and Randy Orton both turned around to face each other one-on-one... to DEAFENING SILENCE.

Hold that exchange up against Punk and Cena from earlier in the Rumble, or Edge and Ziggler's entire match, or 51-year-old Kevin Nash getting a LET'S GO DIESEL chant, or anything, and you've got a staredown (actually, two staredowns) that no one cares about.

This nose-to-nose showdown acted like a real-time poll of WWE fans everywhere - do you want to see this match at WrestleMania? The answer was a very disinterested "uh, no thank you."

ROYAL RUMBLE (SECOND HALF)

Before I start, I should say that I enjoyed the match overall. It's impossible not to. It's the most fun thing ever and no amount of giggly Hornswoggle offense could ruin it.

But between Randy Orton and Dolph Ziggler inexplicably entering the match (which was totally no sold by the announcers for some reason), a ton of WrestleMania sign-pointing, the Cena/Orton silent staredown (seriously, people didn't even boo to be like "WE DON'T WANT THIS"), and a really tame final four (devoid of any anticipation or drama, until the hilariously done Santino spot), the second half of the match really lost steam for me.

AWESOME KONG?

I don't need to write about this, because K. Sawyer Paul already put it perfectly.

But I should mention that Eve crying after winning the Divas Title was oddly sad. Maybe she just shattered her knees on that moonsault.

THE MIZ VS. RANDY ORTON

I've already touched on Randy Orton (I bet there's a lot of girls out there that want to touch on Randy Orton), but I have this to say about the match itself: I watched it last night and can't remember a thing about it. Pretty much my reaction to this match was the equivalent of the fans' reaction to the Cena/Orton staredown.

As for tonight, WWE has announced that Alberto Del Rio will decide which champion he will face at WrestleMania. Apparently they forgot about their own Road to WrestleMania, which generally features two more matches when another ten guys get a shot at the title.

WWE TLC REVIEW: THE SECOND BEST WRESTLING PPV THIS WEEKEND!

I watched two wrestling pay-per-views this weekend. One I watched with a group of friends, having some beers and a shouty good time. The other I watched stone cold sober, by myself, whilst cramming a Pizza Hut pizza into my face. Let's see if it's true that your surroundings can affect your mood!

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS & CHAIRS

LIKE: SHEAMUS/MORRISON

DISLIKE: $45 FILLER

Photo - WWE.com

Fifty-five if you got the HD feed, which I did not. I wish you could allocate portions of your $55 to parts of the PPV, so the next time they do a PPV, they know what paying customers are paying to see. So I'd give like thirty-five bucks to Sheamus and John Morrison, ten bucks to Alberto Del Rio's plunge to the outside, five to Natalya's improv-splash, five to John Cena's obliteration of Wade Barrett, and I'd ask Kane for whatever he's got in his pockets.

LIKED

- Sheamus vs. John Morrison. This was without question the highlight of the entire show. It was great for every reason you could think of. It was an awesome match, the ladder didn't feel like it was thrown in there and they had to use it (like it can feel in some matches), the selling was perfect, there were big spots, plenty of suspense, and the match made the WWE Title seem even more important based on how long and brutal they went at it. The best part is that I'm not a big Sheamus fan (I don't "laich" him) and John Morrison might be the definition of hit and miss to me. This match had me on the edge of my seat with two guys I normally don't care about. That's the sign of a good match right there.

- Parts of the World Title TLC match. By then the gimmick had worn out it's welcome (two ladder matches and several table breaks earlier in the night), but they still managed to get some good stuff in. It's a shame that it was so obvious that this match was there for the big stunt spots, while Morrison and Sheamus had more of a focus and purpose and stuff.

- Alberto Del Rio's plunge from the top of the ladder to the outside through a table. He looked he hit the ground at warp speed.

- Natalya's obviously improvised splash through Lay-Cool, which made the match/finish WAY BETTER. So awesome. And not to mention Natalya's "YOU GUYYYYYS. YOU GUYYYYYS." after the match.

- Beth Phoenix landing on her head like twice in that match.

- Kofi Kingston's ability to make up new moves with ladders. Not every match has to be about coming up with new shit to do with the ladder, we mostly just want a good match. But when you have an entire PPV devoted to the TLC gimmick (not to mention an annual MITB match AND PPV), someone's going to have to do something different. It seems like Kofi will never run out of parts of the ladder to jump through/attach to himself.

- The seeds being planted for Cena/Punk. At first, I wasn't sure if Cena was the one Punk was talking about in his Slammy acceptance speech. But now it's pretty clear - why else would they have Punk call that match if not to have some more sound bites of CM Punk not approving of John Cena. When this match happens at WrestleMania, it's going to be fucking awesome.

- The double finish to Miz/Orton. Mike Chioda calling the bell after seeing Orton lying in some table shards was pretty ridiculous, even if it did get people to boo Miz out of the friggin' country. But then having Miz STILL outsmart Orton after the restart was awesome, and should set the tone for his reign. I'm excited to see more matches where the Miz has to scramble and figure out what he has to do to hold onto the belt he loves so much.

DISLIKED

- Themed PPVs. It's not like I see numbers on these things or whatever, so I can only speak about their success in terms of watching it as a fan. It sucks knowing that Sheamus/Morrison could've stood out THAT MUCH MORE if this was just a regular PPV with stipulations added naturally, instead of being forced on matches like Miz/Orton and Barrett/Cena. By the end of it, I just didn't care anymore. It took John Cena to line up eight folding chairs and hurl Wade Barrett through them (and then dump a row of chairs onto him (kinda)) to get my attention, which sucks, because I was ready for this match to be exciting.

- John Cena covering Wade Barrett before dropping chairs on him. WTF. Don't do that spot if you can't just DO IT, instead of being like "hold on let me cover you up because this'll hurt and wrestling's fake!" It sure looked cool (if you didn't see the wooden shield). Maybe they can edit out the weird wooden Wade Barrett-protector out for the DVD!

- Kane's Christmas promo. Yeah. He cut a promo on Christmas. The Kane character is getting more goofy by the second. With Kane cutting a promo on Christmas, he's forcing me to think of a Little Red Machine looking out at the kids playing on Christmas all sad while he just sits in his home with Paul Bearer in a Christmas sweater and Kane probably in the same stupid pants he's been wearing forever now.

- The tag match for no reason. And the Big Show Santa Claus promo for no reason. When you buy a PPV on your own (I have friends, I swear!) and you know you're shouldering the entire cost of this thing, it stings that much more when the Big Show comes out for ten minutes handing out copies of his STUPID FUCKING STRAIGHT TO DVD FAILURE MOVIE. I literally got angrier as that sentence went on. And the tag match was just chucked on there, because yeah, you've gotta break up the endless gimmick matches THAT YOU FORCED ON YOURSELVES. WOW I gotta keep my rage in check. But seriously. If we're paying any kind of money for something, I'd appreciate it if we got some surprises on the card that were at least worth getting. Like, for example, the Daniel Bryan/Ted DiBiase dark match that went on before the PPV. Anyway. Frig.

- Big Show calling Cody Rhodes unfunny. That statement is so backwards that I want to punch a hole through my own face and sell it with a back bump.

- The weird running gag with Nexus and Cena backstage. "haaaay!"

- Most of Miz/Orton. I almost forgot it happened. Maybe it's because...

- It was a Tables match. All that the announcers talked about during the tables match was how dumb tables matches are. At least with Ladder matches, there's a logical goal. Climb the ladder and be the first to retrieve (or "gain custody" if you're Tony Chimel) the belt/contract/wedding ring, whatever. With a tables match, you're just waiting for the stunt. And the wrestlers know how dumb it is - you could just fall through a table and all of a sudden you're not the best wrestler in the world anymore. The idea that Miz could drag Orton onto some table shards, point the referee in the right direction and he wins, is dumb. I'm glad they overturned it for the sake of Mike Chioda's reputation (yeah I am concerned about a referee's reputation in a fake sport). With the TLC PPV, all of the other matches seem to have a point (although the Chairs match doesn't really make total sense either), and aren't constantly being argued by announcers and wrestlers how stupid they are. Tables matches should've been left behind with the Attitude Era. I wish I could articulate my point better. But I can't because my brain has melted from watching naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day.

The last thing I will say is this. I expected this PPV to completely bomb with me considering I watched Final Battle the night before. But thanks to John Morrison and Sheamus, this review isn't a total top-to-bottom trashing of TLC. But it still fell short of what ROH did on Saturday, because c'mon guys, that shit was crazy.

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS REVIEW: AMERICAN DRAGON UNITED STATES CHAMPION

"It's not the Night of Nerds!" - Alex Riley, claiming Daniel Bryan doesn't belong at Night of Champions. Hint - it's always Night of Nerds (it's wrestling)!

NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS REVIEW

LIKE: BRYAN DANIELSON, US CHAMPION

DISLIKE: MELINA'S TELL

Photo - WWE.com

Actually, I'm not going to do a Like/Dislike. There's not too much to say (Like: Kofi/Dolph, Punk's promo, Tyson Kidd's terrifying springboard moonsault, etc. - Dislike: Melina essentially telegraphing that she was going to lose by coming out looking pouty and not doing 30,000 poses on the way to the ring (we called this before the match started - Batista does the same thing, looking sad on the way to the ring = I'm about to lose), the Divas match was hilarious, Hart Dynasty getting buried for no apparent reason, etc.).

But the focus of this entire show for me (and hopefully most other people) was the unlikely story of Bryan Danielson. Let's look at a timeline here:

BRYAN DANIELSON TIMELINE

- Makes the leap from ROH to WWE

- Debuts on NXT by losing to Chris Jericho, begins epic feud with the Miz that tugs at IWC heartstrings across the globe.

- Eliminated from NXT. At the time this was thought to be the greatest injustice in wrestling history.

- Helps the Nexus destroy RAW by choking a topless Justin Roberts with his own tie and spitting in John Cena's face, getting him FIRED FOR REAL. The NXT elimination is now put into perspective.

- Works Indy dates while not saying much about his firing. Rumour is that a sponsor or higher-up of some kind complained that the Nexus segment was too violent, and Danielson, being the most violent, was the scapegoat for the WWE.

- Everyone accepts that it's not a work and crawls into bed sobbing (maybe that was just me).

- Returns at SummerSlam in the biggest angle (and biggest rub) of the summer by being the 7th member of Team WWE vs. The Nexus! More Mountain Dew: Code Red is spilled simultaneously around the world than ever before at this very moment.

- Helps John Cena defeat the Nexus, not before rekindling his feud with The Miz.

- Defeats The Miz at Night of Champions to become the new WWE United States Champion.

I don't think anyone could've predicted Danielson's first WWE year going like this. From being ranked first in the NXT polls to being first to be eliminated from NXT to being so violent he was FIRED FOR REAL to going back to the indies to being the 7th member of Team WWE to being United States Champion all in a matter of months. That's a mouthful.

Danielson vs. The Miz itself was an awesome match. There were near falls galore, all of which had the crowd hanging on for dear life - those flash roll-ups can be heart-stopping sometimes. There's too much of this match that I liked to list it all (Danielson recreating his first big dive onto Chris Jericho, for example - or Danielson and Miz doing the Jawbreaker Lariat spot with Danielson crotched on the ropes, then landing on his head, for another example!).

So, to celebrate the United States Championship victory of the "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson, here are some awesome photos of the former champions that lead to Daniel Bryan. Enjoy.

Image - WWE.com

WWE SUMMERSLAM REVIEW: DANIEL BRYAN EDITION!

Bryan Danielson just main evented SummerSlam.

WWE SUMMERSLAM

DARREN YOUNG GOT HIS FUCKING HEAD KICKED IN

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- DANIEL FUCKING BRYAN FUCKING DANIELSON. All day - ALL DAY I was telling myself not to even put that little American Dragon in my mind, because I knew if I got myself all hot and bothered with the idea that he could be the seventh man - and then he wasn't (which I thought was obviously the case), I would be so disappointed and ruin the show for myself.

Instead, the WWE did something that no one has been able to do in forever: work the IWC. At what point it all started as a work, I don't know, nor do I care. This restored my faith in them. As the show was going on, we were thinking of how impossible this would be. There were too many reasons as to why he COULDN'T be the 7th man:

A) Still has indy bookings into OCTOBER.

B) Wasn't mentioned in the LEAST in any of the build-up, and the WWE is all about holding your hand through their storylines to make sure you know what's going on.

C) It would be WAY too big of a rub for a guy who just showed up and hasn't paid his WWE dues yet.

D) It hasn't been leaked. What big return hasn't been spoiled before the show? This was the best kept secret in wrestling.

E) It's going to be Triple H. Even after John Cena announced that the 7th man was Daniel Bryan, I still expected them to laugh and be like, "lol just kidding BRING OUT THE DESTROYER"

And as far as D) goes, I wasn't online trying to see what I could spoil about the show. If anyone is upset about that (I haven't read any reactions to SummerSlam yet), you are pretty stupid. You KNOW that any of the dirtsheets are looking to post any spoiler they can. You should also know that the show is infinity times more enjoyable when you don't know what's going to happen.

Enough about that! Now onto more things about Daniel Bryan that I liked.

- The American Dragon tearing the WWE ring a new a-hole. It was like he was moving at warp speed. Him tapping Darren Young in a matter of seconds welled me up with tears of unbridled elation. He nailed EVERY spot and got a big reaction whenever he chained together his trademark spots.

- The story of the main event Elimination Match. It all made perfect sense. I think in retrospect, Team WWE winning ties that story up perfectly. They had to win. It's been months of Nexus beatdowns and ruining shows - WWE had to overcome, and they did. What will happen to Nexus? Who knows. They'll figure something out.

But the match itself was really well put together and really fun to watch. I like that every guy told the right story - Edge and Jericho were there to ultimately blow up at Cena because they can't put their issues with him aside, Bret is there to get retribution and maybe have an old person moment and forget the rules of the match, Cena is there to be our hero, Morrison and Truth are there to lose early (someone's got to!) and Danielson is there to make me mark out until I have no more breath in my lungs.

- The Miz. That promo was legendary even FOR HIM. When he talks, I listen. I recall even moving to the edge of my seat (not figuratively). He was funny and pissed people off. I also loved how he was so ready to join Team WWE and bask in the thanks from John Cena and Bret Hart… and then he was shot down. I truly almost felt bad for him. When he eliminated Bryan, I was one part pissed, two parts excited - I was upset that Danielson was out (but hey, it was down to him and Superman John Cena) but I was thrilled at the prospect of a continued Miz/Bryan feud that could go to, oh I don't know, Night of Champions for the US Title? Awesome stuff.

- Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston vs. LOOKOUT NEXUS. PERFECT. The match was off to a hot start with Kofi's "I am so aggressive I'll suicide dive on myself" suicide dive onto himself. And the rest of the match was exciting with the fast near falls and just the chemistry that Dolph and Kofi have in the ring. Then having Nexus take this match away for us added that extra heat the live crowd might have needed for them in the main event, and it worked - did you hear those boos?

- Moments of the World Title matches. Orton and Sheamus had a bit of a slow start (I never want to see another stomp again in my life) and Kane and Mysterio had the crowd waiting for Undertaker to get behind anything too much, but there was some fun stuff. Orton's Michael Jackson dance moves before hitting his powerslam get me every time. Sheamus looking like he no-sold the RKO (even though it was just the camera angle) made him look both badass and confused at the same time. His BROGUEGUG kick or whatever it's called connected with Orton's face for serious. Kane and Mysterio pulled out a lot of the spots they strung together in their last off-screen-started feud, but it was still good.

- Michael Cole. Yep. He brought out those long lost feelings of real rage in me whenever he cut down Danielson and praised the Miz.

- So many spots in the 7 on 7 match. From Jericho's C'MON BAYBAY to Cena taking a nap on the concrete from a sick looking DDT, to Bret Hart busting out the inverted atomic drop (I was losing it during his whole run in the match), to Danielson's deadly German suplex… there's too much to mention.

- I feel the need to mention how happy I was when Darren Young tapped to Danielson again.

DISLIKED

- Melina. My fucking lord. Every match she's in seems to filled to the brim with those "okay now you go here, no no here, yeah, now I'll put my leg here, k pretend that didn't happen" moments. And the pacing of this match was impossible to follow or comprehend. So Alicia pretends to have something in her eye and the ref checks on her to put the match on hold, then Melina lands on her knee funny and the ref checks on her to put the match on hold, then Alicia works the arm for some unknown reason, then Melina wins without ever selling her knee. She is my least favourite wrestler that doesn't look like a chocolate-dipped John Cena.

- Undertaker's return was totally stupid. Why give it away SO BADLY by bringing a casket to the ring. Didn't you watch the SummerSlam that YOU DID last year? Most AWESOME voodoo Undertaker body-swapping return EVER. This one was so bad that the crowd was letting out a collective grown every time Kane opened the casket and 'Taker wasn't there. But what was even worse was what followed. None of this made logical sense: Undertaker gets in real close with Rey so the live crowd have no idea what's going on, and seem to get quiet and uninterested. 'Taker is waxing poetic, while Rey is pleading his innocence. Undertaker believes him, chokes him anyway, then turns to Kane. Wouldn't he have always known it was Kane? Or at least always known it WASN'T Mysterio? I don't understand this.

- Matt Striker. I don't know if I can take another show of him saying things that surely he doesn't even believe make sense.

- Kane's backstage promo. And how mad he got for being interrupted when all he was doing was talking to himself and gently jerking-off his casket.

A REVIEW OF SUMMERSLAM TOO BUSY MARKING OUT

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OHHHHH MYYYYYYY

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDFKLSDFJSDLKJVBLISABJDAKSBLK

Photo - WWE.com

Tonight the WWE proved that they can still blow your fucking mind. No one saw this coming. And if you were online spoiling it for yourself (even if WWE accidentally had the link up, you still spoiled yourself), you may have ruined what was one of the best things to happen in mainstream wrestling in YEARS.

At least for me. FUCKING CRAZY. I'll have a real review tomorrow, but I better settle down because my mark-out levels have reached OMEGA STATUS. I am THIS CLOSE to overheating and collapsing on my laptopslkdjnsllllllllkcslvldnkvlnsdlvlsssssss;slndvsjbvuvwe29324gvn29ipopeiva.zs

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK REVIEW: THAT'S GOTTA BE... KANE?

Through heckfire (we're PG) and brimstone, Kane won his second ever World Championship last night, after winning the Smackdown! Money In The Bank ladder match, and I... well, I probably should've seen that coming, in retrospect. Instead, I hitched my wagon to Matt Hardy's star. I don't know how he didn't win, he seems to be of completely sane mind!

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK

GUYS. KANE WON.

Photo - WWE.com

I'm not going to do a full-blown like/dislike review of this show. I liked Swagger/Rey, thought it was easily the best match, I liked a lot of the bumps and stories told in the MITB matches themselves (and that Miz won!), the Divas matches were (I wish I could put a drop-down menu here where you choose your own silly word to describe these matches)... but the real story here is Kane.

Rewind your brain (which, if you're a guy who watches wrestling all day like me, is the thing in your head that's turned to a pasty mush) to last year. Or even sooner. In fact, to illustrate the absurdity of Kane, let's just point out what's he's been up to in recent months.

KANE TIMELINE!

- Thought he tortured Rey Mysterio, but nope, he didn't, and then he lost like twenty hundred matches to him.

- Feuded and teamed with the Great Khali in a storyline that made no sense and included a Ranjin Singh abduction.

- Has been living in a red room backstage for fucking ever. WHY IS IT RED?! "Um, this dressing room is great guys, but I could definitely use a couple red lamps to get me in the mood to breathe heavily in people's faces."

- Lost to Drew McIntyre on PPV

- Got new pants! (This was the most interesting thing to happen to Kane since he combined fireworks with X-Pac)

- Lost to the NXT Rookies (although to be fair this is when they still had Bryan Danielson on their team)

- Teamed with Rey Mysterio (y'know, 'cause Kane forgives easily apparently).

- Has essentially been the guy everyone beats before fighting their actual opponent on PPV since I (and you) can remember.

- Fucking CRIED.

- ...

- WORLD CHAMP

I am obviously omitting some key stuff in order to serve my silly agenda, but still. COME ON. HE CRIED. Only ONE world champion is allowed to cry and that's Shawn Michaels. Triple H doesn't even cry, he just makes those weird grunting noises. AND HIS WIFE WAS RAPED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

I'm just not ready to accept Kane as champion. A few weeks of "you killed my brother- no YOU did, - no wait, maybe YOU did! BWAHH I KILL YOU NOW" when everyone knows Kane did it, (because come on, he did it, you know this) - is not enough for me. He's just been a glorified jobber for waaaayyy too long. This needed to be a much bigger and more badass overhaul of character for him to be bought as a legit threat.

But this is all my stupid opinion because clearly no one cares. People popped like crazy when he came out and dropped Rey Mysterio on his brain.

I would've 100% been on board with this (because I have been wanting something good to be done with Kane for a while now) if he had been off TV forever, maybe after some horrible, overacted action-entertainment stunt gone wrong, where he would return as SUPER KANE and look crazy and act crazy (but real crazy, not "cry into a coffin" crazy, although, reading that back... that does sound pretty fucking crazy).

Instead we're left with something that could go either way. This could lead to some kind of Undertaker feud, maybe even pushed to a WrestleMania match, maybe even, and I'm getting ahead of myself here, and using lots of commas, a retirement match.

Or we could see Kane just be same old Kane and drop the belt and we once again forget that he was ever a world champion.... uh, again. Two times. Yeah.

To cap this review off, I just heard about two RAW guest hosts for October. Here are some pictures.

One will be amazing:

It's the PSP kid! Y'know from Role Models! This will be pretty funny! Who's the other guy?

Maybe it's time to re-access my life choices.

WWE EXTREME RULES REVIEW: A WRESTLING PAY-PER-VIEW

If you did not like this PPV, I firmly believe you've been seriously conditioned by the WWE's recent penchant for events that feature random surprises and dudes winning matches they weren't advertised as being in... so you expect zaniness, get great wrestling instead, and feel disappointed. Fools!

EXTREME RULES

LIKED: WRESTLING!

DIDN'T LIKE: DUCT TAPE :(

Photo - WWE.com

In fact, I really don't need to do a full review for this. The wrestling was great, Rey/Punk had me hook, line and sinker for the whole thing (thinking that Punk was going to lose), until I finally realized the awesomeness of their feud (well, I always knew how awesome it was, but I finally got it). Rey beat Punk when the only stip was Rey joining the SES. Punk beat Rey when the only stip was Punk shaving his head. Now they need a rubber match with both stipulations in play. Awesome.

Edge/Jericho was fantastic and ended with a vicious beatdown that stays in line with Edge's character, especially following last night's RAW when he attacked Orton. The springboard Codebreaker was badass, as was Jericho hanging on the outside of the cage with his wrists tangled up in the steel supports of the cage.

Triple H/Sheamus was totally surprising and had the crowd the whole way through. Having Sheamus attack Triple H right at the start of the PPV was fantastic, as it led to Triple H selling the shit out of his arm for the entire match.

I could go on and on (Orton/Swagger was awesome with Swagger going over squeaky clean, Tag Gauntlet was fun and the Hart Dynasty are over the fucking moon, Cena/Batista delivered some serious table spots and got more exciting as the match went on), but I think I've made my point. This PPV was all about the wrestling.

The only real sour points for me were the following:

The Divas' match was good, but I just wasn't digging the whole makeup crap. It was weird seeing two totally talented and tough female wrestlers in wrestling gear suddenly bringing campy, sexist shit into their match. It made a ton of sense for the Good Housekeeping match, because that was the story. But this just seemed a little silly. I would've liked it more if it was straight up "loser gets a makeover from their opponent" to rectify what happened to Beth on Smackdown. Woulda made more sense to me, and probably would've got a big pop. Ah well.

And the main event. I really liked most of it. The start was pretty shaky for me, but then they finally caught their stride and everything picked up. But what really felt weird was the finish (which I'm sure everyone else has been talking about).

It's just bizarre that John Cena needed to find a loophole in the rules of the match to beat Batista, by taping him to the ring post. In fact, I'm not even sure it IS a loophole, since the rule states that you win when your opponent "cannot ANSWER the count of ten." The referee could've definitely used discretion and been like... well... he can answer the count, so the match should technically continue.

But overall, even with the questionable finish, I enjoyed the match and the pay-per-view the whole way through.

I apologize for this review being pretty tame. I've been sick today. That's no excuse though. The Miz would reprimand me if he heard me say that.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: WRESTLEMANIA XXVI REVIEW

I want to start off by saying I had a whole mess of fun watching the show last night. But I always somehow get myself all riled up by reading other people's thoughts before I put my own input in, and it almost ruins it for me. I think some people are forgetting what wrestling is/what it's about, and just want CM Punk to kiss them on the lips.

I love Punk too, (and would also accept his tender embrace) but let's have some perspective, shall we?

WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

LIKED: MAIN EVENTS

DIDN'T LIKE: NO BLOOD :(

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- WrestleMania. That definitely sounds like a redundant nerdy statement (i heart wreslemaenia!1), but I just do. I love how it's something people dress up for. And how huge it is. And how it really does feel like the most important thing ever for wrestling fans, with the week-long festivities, the Indy shows that surround it, and all of the bright lights, loud noises and fanfare that make it into the SPECTACLE (GRANDEUR MAJESTY MICHAEL COLE) that it is. It's nice having something so huge in a fake sport that feels real.

- New outfit day!! I become tickled pink and giddy with the sort of excitement my dad would disown me for when a guy comes out in a new outfit. Be it Miz's badass jacket, Cody looking like a naked Ken doll with a smoothed-off crotch area (was he wearing clothes, couldn't tell), Kofi's silly hair, Swagger's All-American American (American) robe, Punk's AWESOME GI JOE trunks, or Undertaker's ill-ass new sleeveless cloak, I was playing Project Runway special guest judge as they all came out, and loving it.

- Legacy Three-Way. It was stomp-central for a good part of it, but things took off once Cody and Ted started going at it. Cody's expertly timed dive on an almost-not-looking Ted was sweet, as was the entire finish sequence.

- MITB fear of death. I always just assume someone is going to slip and break their neck in these matches. Bourne's one-footed SSP to Christian was fucking insane, as was anything else he did in this match. This match had plenty to watch with Kofi on stilts (and nearly snapping his ankle in the rung of a ladder), Kane's chokeslam to Bourne to the outside, Matt Hardy taking a painful looking tumble through a ladder... good god.

- Jack THWAGGA! He didn't seem to do too much in the match, and him winning was totally unexpected. He... will probably be the first failed cash-in. Goddamn.

- The backstage Slim Jim segment. Mae Young, Mene Gean in a dress, oh man. I loved it. So funny. I couldn't stop laughing. Haaaaaaaa... dasdafdfasdasaddsffffffffffffff

- Punk/Mysterio. As much as I wanted it to go on forever and have Punk win in the end, you can't really lose when you watch these guys wrestle. A lot of fun spots, including the ending.

- Bret Hart treating Vince McMahon like Mick Foley and pummelling him with a chair for what must've been longer than the opening tag match.

- Bret Hart giving Vince McMahon the Sharpshooter at WrestleMania. If you travelled back in time with footage of this and showed it to a furious 12-year old me, I would've cried tears of sweet justice.

- The Main Events. Each one delivered. Edge/Jericho was fantastic, Cena/Batista was way better than their SummerSlam match, and Shawn/Taker was fucking glorious.

- Cena's unrecognized fucking crazy feat of strength when he stood up with Batista wrapped around his back. Then he FU'd the shit out of him. I got a hernia watching it on PPV.

- Cena celebrating in the arms of his haterzzzz.

- I totally thought Undertaker had blew his knee at the start. I am a big fat mark.

- And the first few minutes of this match were HOT AS FUCK. I feel like that might've been forgotten once the whole thing was over, but I loved it.

- Shawn's moonsault to Taker's legs through a table. I don't care where he meant to hit him, the fact that it looked like he did crazy damage to the leg he'd been working over all match was awesome.

- The redo of "I'm sorry, I love you" as "STAY DOWN... STAY DOWN... STAYD--JUMPINGTOMBSTONE"

- Shawn's farewell, and more importantly, what wasn't seen as he went backstage.

DIDN'T LIKE

- Guys who didn't get a new outfit to satisfy my bizarre self.

- I definitely wanted that big, oddly-placed rectangle of a screen on the Mania set to be a big drawbridge that lowers for the main event wrestlers to come out of or something. Can't you make me an electronic HD screen drawbridge, Vince?! GOD.

- The opening tag match. It was alright and all, and it made so much sense that ShoMiz won, but it was so so short, and I thought Miz and Morrison would pull out all the stops facing each other at WrestleMania in the opening match. Definitely expected at least one springboard 450 dive by Morrison. :(

- Orton beating Legacy. I really liked the match itself, and given the circumstances, probably neither Ted nor Cody should've won. But what does the story here tell us? Orton took these guys under his wing, slapped them around for 18 months then beat them at WrestleMania. "See, I AM better than you guys!" ... well, yeah!

- Jack Swagger cracking a safe on top of a ladder.

- How MITB is being under-utilized. I already hate myself for even saying that. But seriously. The match was fun and crazy and all, but every year the story just seems to be about pointing at the briefcase in the weeks leading up to WrestleMania, then a guy wins. I really think they could tie in some storylines that make it more interesting, and really make people give a damn who wins. We already care, but it'd be nice to have a story too. Maybe the new MITB PPV will change that.

- How obvious it is that Swagger will be the first to fail. His entire gimmick as of late has been that of a dude who fails at every turn. Getting beat-up by Santino, starting undefeated streaks that last not even one match... c'mon, he is cashing-in and losing any day now. If I get proved wrong, I'll be the happiest man not named Jack Swagger.

- Triple H/Sheamus. Had it's moments, but I was mostly bored. Sorry Trips. I don't know why they had to set this up as "if you don't beat me you're fading into obscurity, heh heh." And then he doesn't beat him.

- Vickie Guerrero's fucked up pin at the end, and the ref who REFUSED TO COMPROMISE HIS INTEGRITY and just count the goddamn three. "Uh, yer shoulder's up. ... sorry."

- I hate to say this... because Bret Hart has been my hero since I've been Sharpshooting guys with my action figures. But I really wish that match went differently. I loved seeing Bret make Vince tap out, and I loved the Sting/RVD like beatdown he put on him with the steel chair. But with the new no-blood rule, it's hard to not hold this match up against Shawn/Vince from WM22 where Vince was beaten within an inch of his life and go... "Shouldn't Bret get more revenge than Shawn?" It's such a petty thing, but it definitely took away from the match for me. I wanted to see Vince essentially wearing his skin inside out, but I should've known I wasn't getting that going into the show. And the whole convoluted "I hired your family" "Well I KNEW you hired my family so I convinced them to turn on you!" explanation. This feud needed a whole lot less of weird explanations after-the-fact and a whole lot more of Bret wiping Vince's blood on his chest. OKAY I'M DONE!

- Cena haterz.

- Michael Cole.

PHEW! All done. Like I said, I had a ton of fun watching this show. Really nothing more fun than watching Mania with a bunch of friends who also like wrestling.

Photo - WWE.com