tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87230266790816465372024-03-05T22:27:53.774-05:00PIZZABODYSLAMpizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.comBlogger501125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-39122676379214844162014-03-05T17:37:00.000-05:002014-03-05T17:37:44.162-05:00RAW IS DVR'D 03/03/14: #HIJACKRAW EDITION!!!<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Welcome to RAW IS DVR'D, a review with a simple format: I-- WAIT A MINUTE THIS RAW REVIEW IS BEING HIJACKEDDDDD~~~~!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Are you ready to HIJACK THIS <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">SHOW</span> REVIEW?!? All you need to do is follow these <a href="https://twitter.com/ChicagoRAWcrowd/status/440300176209481729/photo/1">RULES</a>! AND LOOKOUT because we are co-ordinated and NOTHING CAN STOP US!!!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">AND REMEMBER: CHEER CM PUNK, BOO BATISTA, BOO TRIPLE H, CHEER BRYAN, CHEER YES, BOO SHEAMUS I THINK(?), CHEER NEW AGE OUTLAWS <i>(WAIT, NOT SURE)</i>, BOO BRYAN <i>(I THOUGHT WE WERE CHEERING HIM)</i> NO JUST FOR THE HHH MATCH <i>(OH)</i> CHEER CENA <i>(WAIT WHAT)</i> HE RESPECTS CHICAGO <i>(OH OK)</i> BOO "THIS BUSINESS" <i>(I THOUGHT WE LOVED "THIS BUSINESS")</i> WE DO BUT CENA SAID IT <i>(BUT WE JUST CHEERED HIM)</i> I KNOW, THIS IS HARD <i>(UM, WE'RE NOT GONNA CHANT "WHAT!" THOUGH, RIGHT) </i>YEAH WE ARE <i>(JESUS CHRIST…)</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">…BUT WHO CARES WE'RE HIJACKING THIS SHOW AND CHANGING THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA BEEP BEEP HERE WE GOOOO</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> IS DVR'D--<b><i>HIJACKED!!!</i></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MARCH 3RD, 2014</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="text-decoration: line-through;">CM PUNK RETURNS</span> PAUL HEYMAN PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">HEY RAW YA BEEN HIJAAAACCKED-oh wait let's hear what he has to say.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I don't want to be the guy applauding WWE for a decision that affects me so little (like the fans who worry about WWE's sponsors or stocks or merch sales instead of the stuff that actually matters), but sending Paul Heyman out for crowd control was perfect. The crowd expected to be ignored and was prepared to shit on everybody (<a href="https://twitter.com/Kennokevin/status/438520085066428417">not literally, of course!</a>). Addressing it head on with Paul Heyman caught them off guard, and suddenly there's less to rebel against.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But, as a fan watching, if Punk's not coming back on that show, this was the best way it could've gone. We got the crazy HOLY SHIT HE'S HERE <i>*shits on floor in the third row*</i> moment when his music hit. Any number of people could be coming out next, ranging from CM Punk to Wade Barrett to Batista to Corey Graves to Johnny Ace depending on whose fantasy booking you follow. Heyman was a name I read a little less, and seemed to be the right choice.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">He got to side with the crowd and echo their feelings on Punk before turning on a dime and getting heat for Lesnar. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">All in all, Paul Heyman certainly saved the WWE having to endure a crowd that would've booed Ricky Steamboat out of the building for not being CM Punk or Daniel Bryan. After Heyman, suddenly that crowd couldn't hijack a car that's having it's tire replaced by Zack Ryder.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hopefully this is the end of Cringe Manifestos that plan their chants out weeks in advance on Twitter, and we can go back to crowds that watch and react (and still get pissed off, don't get me wrong) to the show naturally, because I'm pretty sure (and correct me if I'm wrong, honestly) that the IZOD crowd or the MITB 2011 crowd or the ECW ONS crowd didn't need this shit to make a show feel INSANE.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Fortunately for me, I don't have to explain it anymore, because <a href="http://botchedspot.com/comic/hijacked/">Botched Spot nailed it on the head</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Somewhere in between all of the CM Punk chants, Brock Lesnar came out and did some Brock Lesnar things, such as:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- scream his own name</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- turn Mark Henry into <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikssfUhAlgg">The Black Knight, who can't stop getting obliterated by Arthur, King of the Britains</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- (seriously how many times has Mark Henry come out to fight Lesnar, pretending as if he wasn't just demolished the previous week)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- claimed that everyone should be scared to DEATH of him (<a href="http://wrestleshare.com/?dm=9UQP">true</a>) </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- THREW STUFF:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDVupAJndkBknQITOUO_NIqGt0B8BgC8GDWyQyoIxjoEdgF_1RlqwCMSB6CzkR5RoDc14E1lWxg1k6sA10PC282gfX4lV0NpIZgxmpE2g18b-Xa4YTpapzhwJljn89wCYldWWCRPhIbw4/s1600/PBSLesnarTantrum.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDVupAJndkBknQITOUO_NIqGt0B8BgC8GDWyQyoIxjoEdgF_1RlqwCMSB6CzkR5RoDc14E1lWxg1k6sA10PC282gfX4lV0NpIZgxmpE2g18b-Xa4YTpapzhwJljn89wCYldWWCRPhIbw4/s1600/PBSLesnarTantrum.gif" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- POTENTIALLY KILLED AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER WITH A TV MONITOR:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk8UhxAF495YwdEBs-Me0GrTzxVVFlHUF8Glz64BMpJtcxZzpjtiQ7inj5GmS8GXuP3xwYMsXH7MbgJ6-zb_1QsVpdzTFScSD3LvgM7dg2B5YhPehq8m31jLv37w6CKzHZH2Ydi-wLZ3g/s1600/PBSLesnarTV.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk8UhxAF495YwdEBs-Me0GrTzxVVFlHUF8Glz64BMpJtcxZzpjtiQ7inj5GmS8GXuP3xwYMsXH7MbgJ6-zb_1QsVpdzTFScSD3LvgM7dg2B5YhPehq8m31jLv37w6CKzHZH2Ydi-wLZ3g/s1600/PBSLesnarTV.gif" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- conquered</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><strike>- repeated</strike></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - NEW AGE OUTLAWS V. THE USOS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If they don't win this one, we're hijacking Memphis next week, right?!?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DID YOU KNOW? WWE NETWORK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When you subscribe to the WWE Network, you'll be able to watch the entire 2014 Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, Live!</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Future headline: fans confused at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rw_omJpzjks">Tyler Breeze being inducted into WWE Hall of Fame</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - NEW AGE OUTLAWS V. THE USOS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And now a thing I don't have to write twelve paragraphs about!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match was fun, short, and everything I've wanted it to be since the first time they met. Having them lose to the Outlaws a couple times was a bummer, but that helped set up a crazy crowd for the Usos' first tag title win. Billy Gunn got his face kicked all the way back to where his hairline begins. It was great.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I do wish they could do the flying suck-it splash for the remainder of their careers, though.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> GUEST STAR - AARON PAUL: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I made a bunch of <a href="https://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam/status/440627540600696832">unfunny Breaking Bad jokes on Twitter</a>, if that sort of thing interests you days later.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">NEED FOR SPEED SNEAK PEAK: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">You have to watch this for the bizarre reaction from the Divas. Natalya, apparently, has never seen a movie trailer before, as her reaction is priceless: "that was <i>AMaaaAAAaaaZING</i>". There is also some kind of allusion to Nikki Bella's speed habit, but maybe that's just me reading into things too far.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">They also mention that Aaron Paul is giving Dolph Ziggler a ride later, which they think is cool, and I wonder aloud how needing a ride somewhere is cool, and why I <i>don't</i> feel cool for needing a ride places all the time.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BIG E V. CESARO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And as the show progresses, we're starting to see why a hijacking of a show that includes Daniel Bryan, Cesaro, Brock Lesnar, Shield/Wyatts II and Jesse Pinkman is increasingly stupid. I mean, I get the outrage, but we are spoiled shitless, aren't we? We might be in the best in-ring wrestling era that the WWF/E has ever seen (top to bottom, everybody can go) (well, <a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/429839710719344640/m7YSqKIh.jpeg">almost everybody</a>) but if things aren't going the EXACT WAY we saw them in our dumb brains, we RIOT/HIJACK/JOINTHECONVERSATIONONTWITTER. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm including myself in this by the way. I'm equally as ridiculous and will scream for Daniel Bryan and CM Punk until Paul Heyman silences me, but it is hilarious to take a step back for a second.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, this match was fun for how NUTS the crowd was for Cesaro. It wasn't quite as deadly as their past few singles/tag encounters, but it did include a spot right off the top where Cesaro may have crapped his butthole inside-out cafter atching every pound of Big E in a tilt-a-whirl. My GOD.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Another unfortunate side effect of the hijack, Jack, is a crowd booing Big E because he opposes Cesaro. Cesaro fucking RULES and takes up four spots in my FAVE FIVE but Big E is wicked, and came out of tonight looking kinda like a chump (which I'll get to later on).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">One last thing - has Zeb Coulter slapped Swagger or Cesaro since that one time a month ago? Because Jerry Lawler is hanging onto that gimmick as hard as I am, saying he'll get SLAP HAPPY on the Real Americans or whatever. I appreciate that someone, even if it's Jerry Stupid Lawler, wants more out of that slap heard round my living room. I want it to get weird. Real weird.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - BRYAN V. BATISTA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Or, YAAAAAAY V. BOOOOOOOOO</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE SHIELD V. THE WYATT FAMILY II: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Welcome to the part of the review where I have nothing to say, because instead of writing notes down during the match, I wrote what I screamed, which largely included move names and gibberish.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Who would've picked Seth Rollins to come out as the star of The Shield this deep into their run? I mean, the truth is, they're all stars coming out of the best booked stable since Evolution.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Rollins, since the Chamber, has gone full Tyler Black in breaking out his boner-inducing moveset. He spent this match with his controller's run button stuck down. And I love that even though the crowd, somewhat ironically (given the hype), isn't as rabid as they were at Elimination Chamber, they're still <i>going for it</i>. Even though they know they can't capture lightning in a bottle twice in a row, they're still going a billion miles an hour. And the match benefitted from it hugely.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It goes without saying that everybody else brought it too. Luke Harper's sell of the Superman Punch being a huge highlight:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr1UByFU_4aHLWgouoIKIVvE9eqIaiBRb3qK7hQfe8t69VMzOausz3dkaHvbQPN0AbAQ1XwDCLUiyuSLV2WiHBScylilDOzv1GsPlM4PBV6L3SoHBUpH2QL7HuQ_qIQclcldhF3o1n5rE/s1600/PBSReignsSPHarper.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr1UByFU_4aHLWgouoIKIVvE9eqIaiBRb3qK7hQfe8t69VMzOausz3dkaHvbQPN0AbAQ1XwDCLUiyuSLV2WiHBScylilDOzv1GsPlM4PBV6L3SoHBUpH2QL7HuQ_qIQclcldhF3o1n5rE/s1600/PBSReignsSPHarper.gif" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I even liked the screwy ending with Rollins being fed up with Reigns and Ambrose, and deciding to watch them lose without him instead. It was The Architect of The Shield watching the Shield Headquarters skyscraper that he built, or designed the lobby for, or whatever, burn to the ground, or get pinned in a wrestling match or… something. I don't know. I lost it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RENEE & BATISTA BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Batista really using an understated delivery here, because he's been in movies, I guess.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WRESTLEMANIA COUNTDOWN FT. KID ROCK 'MANIA THEME: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When Kid Rock performed at WrestleMania 25 it was about ten years too late, why are we STILL DOING THIS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">EARLIER TONIGHT - USOS WIN TAG TITLES: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>*dusts hands off*</i> There, no more Road Dogg.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAIN EVENT LIVE - TAG TITLE REMATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">damnit</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">FANDANGO & SUMMER RAE V. SANTINO & EMMA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I like all of these people, but it's tough to watch them wrestle a kind of match that requires you to laugh at it to enjoy it, rather than be hysterically miserable at wrestling itself. You can't really pull off comedy bits (confusing high fives and tagging in, which was actually funny to me) (don't judge me) with a crowd ready to "hijack" anything that isn't the best wrestlers in the world.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">SMACKDOWN</span> LAST FRIDAY - SHEAMUS/CHRISTIAN: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It's a little late, but necessary. Both guys are in need of something more than "hello i'm here for work".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK PLUG - STEPHANIE MCMAHON: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"Without the WWE Network, I, Stephanie McMahon, would never have access to all this WWE footage!"</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SHEAMUS V. CHRISTIAN: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match was pretty good if you muted your TV and called the match yourself and made your own sound effects with your mouth.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I get that we're supposed to boo things we don't like, but booing Christian and Sheamus for having a match, which is way better than the alternative (an unfunny promo from Sheamus or an I'M MAD promo from Christian), I don't know what to tell you.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Does anyone remember when crowds would boo or chant "you can't wrestle" or "this is awful" at matches that were ACTUALLY TERRIBLE? Like, say, Big Show vs. Batista? I guess wrestling has been so good lately that Sheamus/Christian is as bad as Show/Batista now? It's like nobody remembers Vladimir Kozlov or Great Khali main eventing PPVs. How could I ever call anything BUT that The Darkest Timeline?! (Although, I don't blame anybody for not remembering something so depressing).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting soft after spending a lifetime watching wrestling and having my brain dulled down until it became a deflated tennis ball. But Sheamus/Christian sure seemed like a normal midcard match between two not shitty guys. At the very most I could see a Randy Savage or JBL chant (which translates to Fuck This Match anyway), but I guess because this crowd was #HIJACKEDUUUUP it had to fill its Arbitrary Boo Quota.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RAW TONIGHT - BRYAN V. BATISTA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">(but keep the Batista boos coming, arbitrary or not)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - CENA ADDRESSES THE WYATT FAMILY: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And, coming up, I address John Cena's injury that is definitely not real, which I knew the whole time and didn't squeal on my couch when I saw it happen I swear.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RENEE & SHEAMUS BACKSTAGE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Sheamus</b>: "I feel great, I finally feel like I'm getting back to 100%, and--"</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">[Christian attacks Sheamus, leaves him for dead]</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It's a shameful thing. He just had one day left 'til retirement.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BELLA TWINS V. ALICIA FOX & AKSANA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The WWE YouTube channel cut Nikki Bella's handspring.. move? out of the match video, so I was unable to GIF it. It was funny but not funny enough for you (or me) to search it out. So, uh, yeah. That was that match.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="text-decoration: line-through;">LA FEMME NIKITA </span>SIRENS PREVIEW: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sorry, my 11 year old brain still thinks that's USA's only show.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DANIEL BRYAN / AUTHORITY PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I was 100% in the camp that wanted Bryan fighting for the title at WrestleMania. I wanted him to win the Rumble, beat <i>whoever</i> at WMXXX and end WrestleMania finally with the title, finally getting a clean win and finally celebrating after six months (three years, if you go back to the 18 Seconds WrestleMania moment) of getting screwed.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But, I finally exhaled after all that time holding my breath, and suddenly I can get on board with Triple H v. Bryan, with Bryan beating the ever-loving piss out of Hunter being a big Mania moment.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>[cut to Triple H pinning Bryan at WrestleMania XXX]</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'd always wanted to see Triple H "get his" or whatever, but never as much as wanting to see Bryan win the title and be cemented as The Guy, or whatever. But he already is The Guy, basically, and we're kinda just deciding for ourselves what <i>REEAAALLY</i> makes him The Guy, though. Like John Cena saying you're not champion until you beat him twelve times. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And while that's kinda not the best storytelling I guess, and Triple H will be "taking a spot" from younger guys, I guess we have to come to terms with the fact that not every show can be NXT Arrival. I'm into this story, because of the nuclear heat from the crowd and because of Triple H and Stephanie's ability to be enormous douchebags in any given situation.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This was great, but it's leading to a thing that we didn't fantasy book in our heads. Hopefully don't ruin Daniel Bryan for ourselves by only cheering <i>specific storylines that we want him in.</i> I think it's INCREDIBLE that they have a guy that is loved SO MUCH that we will only accept him in main event storylines that we decide ahead of time. How CRAZY is that?! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">A nice point-counterpoint from Bryan and Stephanie in this promo:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Stephanie</b>: We MADE you</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Triple H</b>: Get out of my ring</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Bryan</b>: Why don't you MAKE me</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Thought that was neat, even if most likely unintentional.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - BRYAN V. BATISTA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">As long as Batista isn't gassed from changing into his gear.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - CENA ADDRESSES THE WYATT FAMILY: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I love that Cena is coming out to address the Wyatt Family for the time they attacked him during the last time he came out to address the Wyatt Family.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">EARLIER TONIGHT - LESNAR/HENRY: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I love that Lesnar got revenge on that TV monitor for tripping him last month by hurling one into orbit.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> PRE-SHOW DURING-SHOW: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Josh Mathews is here with Permanent Panelist For Everything Now, Booker T. Also here is Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who I'm sure will contribute positively, and Alex Riley who might actually make less of a contribution than Hacksaw.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ALBERTO DEL RIO V. DOLPH ZIGGLER W/ AARON PAUL: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I was more nervous for this than CM Punk showing or not-showing up.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Like the rest of the world, I'm a big Breaking Bad fan and have an unhealthy obsession with its characters/actors. And while I'm disappointed he didn't come out to Badfinger's "Baby Blue", or turn into a wrestler that stuffs blue meth in his victims' mouths like a fucked up Million Dollar Man, I'm happy it wasn't too weird and embarrassing for him or anyone involved. He basically just said "this is great" over and over again, which qualifies for being second best guest host ever.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - 2014 HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">IF IT'S NOT CM PUNK WE RIOT RIGHT GUYS WHO'S WITH MEEE ARRRGG-- oh, sorry, thought that was in the hijack rules.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2014 WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE - PAUL BEARER: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This is a pretty big no brainer. Maybe Undertaker can induct him and shed the same tears I shed when Bearer clunked him in the head with the urn to help Mankind win the Boiler Room Brawl.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BIG E V. JACK SWAGGER: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">wait why couldn't this just wait 'til next week</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>[Cesaro attacks Big E at the bell]</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ah, I see.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Zeb Coulter takes another step in becoming the Real Americans' abusive dad by referring to Cesaro and Swagger as brothers, and saying things like "help your brother up" and "stay outta daddy's office unless ya wanna catch heck". He only said the last one in my mind.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm weirdly loving whatever this is turning into, potentially with one Real American emerging as Zeb's favourite son who lovehates America as much as he does, which leaves the other unloved with a complex. Kind of like Fred Claus. … </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">you guys seen fred claus?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So, to summarize Big E's night - he wins two matches by DQ, gets booed by Cesaro fans, sneaks in to hit his finisher after the match (and gets booed for it) and is generally a prop in the Cesaro/Swagger storyline. As wicked as the Real Americans thing is, Big E had a bummer night.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - CENA ADDRESSES THE WYATT FAMILY: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Last time he was to address the Wyatt Family, he talked about the WWE Network and got his leg injured out of his leg. Let's hope he can stay on topic this time OR ELSE.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAIN EVENT LIVE - TAG TITLE REMATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Daniel Bryan v. Kane added to the show (which has now already happened). Can these things still feel like a semi-big deal (not actually big but you know, big for a sad man like me) when Canada gets the Network? Or is it gonna be old and busted and I'll be stuck watching the history of wrestling and cheap PPVs instead (okay, well, it'll still be good either way, so whatever).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">JOHN CENA ADDRESSES THE WYATT FAMILY: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">After Stone Cold told Cena to snug up his STF, did he also pass down his healing factor? Y'know, 'cause Austin damn near broke his neck (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZKhEcoaHTs">BUT I STILL GOT UP</a>) and John Cena definitely tore all of his tendons last week, but is somehow walking this week. Oh, what's that? It was a work? ... oh, yeah, I knew that. Yeah, I was just, uh... messing around. Fuck.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena's injury angle last week was the realest thing Cena's done since he last raised his voice and called someone Jack. Okay realer than that. But if you thought, or "knew", that Cena's injury was a work <i>when it was happening</i>, you are either incredibly cynical or some kind of kayfabe wizard genius. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It had every element of a real injury: the leg wasn't targeted by the Wyatts, wasn't hit with the steel steps, Pillmanized with a chair, it was awkward as hell, it seemed accidental, the heels backed off and it seemed like if they were going to do an injury angle, it'd involve Sister Abigail and not a "whoops hey dropped ya there on yer leg kinda, sarry". </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">They nailed it. I wish they never acknowledged it on the dirtsheets. I, and most everybody else, bought it. To be fair though, with the way his limp grew increasingly more hilarious as this segment went on, the jig would be up by now either way.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">As for this week, hey, Bray Wyatt delivered another awesome promo. With that said, Bray Wyatt promos are becoming Shield six-man tag matches. We see them both constantly and they're always wicked and you don't need me to tell you about them. That makes them both sound unremarkable (because, y'know, I'm not really, uh, remarking on them), but it's so much so the opposite. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sometimes I think about how much unfunny Triple H DX segments or ungood Triple H main events we had to deal with in the past however many years, so having these six guys taking up significant portions of the show decreases the amount of throw up in my mouth considerably.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm also excited at the prospect of Brandon Stroud's "young guy taking the John Cena horse out to pasture" angle potentially coming to fruition with Bray Wyatt. Unfortunately this angle will probably have to last fifteen years since John Cena is a mutant cyborg psychopathic freak who will only start truly slowing down when he hits fifty-whatever. But still, a paranoid Cena, doing whatever it takes to keep his spot atop <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Vince McMahon's penis</span> the mountain is a story I am very much into.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BATISTA & ORTON BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I legitimately forgot Orton existed until he showed up here.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm so torn on this. If Rusev debuted in the 80s: awesome. Chikara today: hilarious. WWE now: weird and out of place. His theme music and Lana are both awesome. His big dumb face, not so much. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Can someone who likes him fill me in here? Better than Vladimir Kozlov? Or is this pre-debut stuff entertaining like I LOVE DOUBLE DOUBLE E was, but then the rest was hot garbage?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">HULK HOGAN RECAP: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hogan's polite daytime talk show voice is unsettling.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAIN EVENT - DANIEL BRYAN V. BATISTA: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match had two things going against it, the first being Batista's ability to get blown up before the smoke from his pyro clears. The other, was <i>CM PUNK</i> how it was hard <i>CM PUNK</i> to focus on the actual match <i>CM PUNK</i> when something <i>CM PUNK</i> else was <i>CM PUNK</i> on everybody's <i>CM PUNK</i> mind.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The beatdown afterwards and the show closing on Bryan laying dead in the ring to close the show has some redditors on a mission to <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/1zi8lk/request_slow_motion_and_hazy_video_compilation_of/">create a montage of similar moments set to Enya's "Only Time"</a>. There'll certainly be a lot of footage to pull from. And while I was definitely of the opinion that the best way for Bryan to overcome those months of screwy finishes and beatdowns was to win the Rumble, win the title at Mania and kick Triple H's head in somewhere in between - I'm sheepishly okay with them skipping the title for now.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But I do feel like it's all happening this way because Batista's contract states he wins the Rumble and the title at Mania, otherwise I think they would've done more to alter things than "just do Orton and Batista anyway because <i>shrug</i>". </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Either way, we just have to <a href="http://i.imgur.com/UsVhF2p.gif">deal with it</a>.</span></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-22906629507060283712014-01-29T19:09:00.001-05:002014-01-29T19:09:32.143-05:00RAW (AND THE ROYAL RUMBLE) IS DVR'D 01/27/14: DID SOMEBODY NOT GET WHAT THEY WANTED?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8KilCABapK_1xpKaWYJ6TPLJmg7I2g1wxUoDuum4OvVvmgxEuwbN8HEPFy3_ekuarjsQslnIA18ltKjGhBKKmaKe1xoBSup6Y3P0TW5BOBq6TscNWvxLknn5iFRbsa0JvMUR1k3H4u3A/s1600/hhhsadjpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8KilCABapK_1xpKaWYJ6TPLJmg7I2g1wxUoDuum4OvVvmgxEuwbN8HEPFy3_ekuarjsQslnIA18ltKjGhBKKmaKe1xoBSup6Y3P0TW5BOBq6TscNWvxLknn5iFRbsa0JvMUR1k3H4u3A/s1600/hhhsadjpg.jpg" height="210" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Does he mean that the WWE didn't get what they want in a crowd that would cheer Batista?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Welcome to RAW IS DVR'D, a review with a simple format: I let you know what to watch and what to fast-forward, in case you happened to burst a blood vessel in your eye booing Batista last night and the sight of him might send you over the edge. Speaking of last night, how about a quick review in a style I never really got to use?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE ROYAL RUMBLE REVIEW</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">My new PPV review format will be made OBSOLETE by the WWE Network (which <i>I guess</i> is a fair trade-off, UGH). Back in my day (for those of you reading in the future where the WWE Network exists and hasn't seen a hike in monthly fees once they realize how insane they are), pay-per-views cost FIFTY-FIVE REAL DOLLARS. YES. Just for ONE show. And yes, I realize that to you lucky future people, 55 dollars buys almost six brand new PPVs in addition to THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING, but this was the awful world we lived in. Anyway, I thought it'd be fun to review a show by allocating portions of the $54.99 you paid to certain parts of the night. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">For example, Sunday's PPV would've looked like this: I'd give five bucks to the entire Bryan/Wyatt match, which FUCKING RULED and was as good of a first thing to happen on this or any show as you could ever want. But I only want to give it five bucks because I'm saving the rest for what most certainly will be an EPIC ending to the show where Bryan heroically enters the Rumble, still concussed, and wins the whole damn thing. So I gotta spend wisely, right?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'll give a shiny loonie (my Canadian is showing, sorry) (sorry) to the Big Show for taking a Bret Hart/Vince McMahon amount of chairshots and looking sad. Y'know what, that loonie should actually go to Brock Lesnar for transforming FIRED UP Big Show (my least favourite Big Show) to Crying Big Show (my second least favourite Big Show).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'll give three bucks (and two cents, I suppose?) to the Pittsburgh crowd during the Orton/Cena match. I felt kinda bad for them as it went on, but then I remembered that this is all their fault and they did bad and should feel bad.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Now, the RUMBLE! OH BOY! I got about 46 dollars ready to be hucked at Daniel Bryan in a Canadian money ticker tape parade for his big Rumble win!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Just waiting for him to come out.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So pumped though!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">...</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">oh neat Reigns broke the Rumble elimination record, here's a quarter for your troubles</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Still waiting (eee!).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">29… Big E, okay okay (Bryan must be next).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">…</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">[RUMBLE BUZZER]</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">...</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">why is he dressed as rey mysterio</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">where is he</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WHERE IS HE</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">[fade to black]</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Fuck me, now I've got all this extra cash I didn't even spend because I sat here counting it while waiting for Bryan to come out. Before Batista gives me the finger and shakes me down for the rest of this money, I'd better dole it out. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">With my remaining $45.72, I choose to donate it to the Battered Smarks Shelter (the BS Shelter for those paying attention). It's a worthy cause and I think it will do a lot of good. It gets better, you guys. Well, uh, we have to Wait And See Where It Goes, but it gets better. Maybe. Probably not. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> IS DVR'D</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijxB-jzOPiBrtPIPjw39jX1iN78a_JmShKLdxBwB7inGUHE110rMtzYUjUrZ3HM8WufGEty7fibeN_EVG-d0OfT59a0WZc4Wxk3QpK8RthoQ99eJ55O6tFSKYs9_Ja5fVhgyvAv0VwYv0/s1600/RAW_1079_Photo_017.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijxB-jzOPiBrtPIPjw39jX1iN78a_JmShKLdxBwB7inGUHE110rMtzYUjUrZ3HM8WufGEty7fibeN_EVG-d0OfT59a0WZc4Wxk3QpK8RthoQ99eJ55O6tFSKYs9_Ja5fVhgyvAv0VwYv0/s1600/RAW_1079_Photo_017.jpg" height="223" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">JANUARY 27TH, 2014</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ROYAL RUMBLE - LAST NIGHT: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvXRoe3vui0"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">[Stops destroying DVD collection to watch the show]</span></a></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE AUTHORITY & DANIEL BRYAN PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Now that I've cooled down from tearing up my Batista DVDs in my… bedroom? WWE DVD unfurnished room of sorrow? What <i>is</i> that room? It's like a novelty bar where you chuck peanut shells all over the floor. Anyway, now that I've uncrossed my eyes from my grown-up person tantrum, I'm okay. The BS Shelter has provided me with all the resources I need to get through this, such as "a well-adjusted emotional compass" and "a reasonable adult brain".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm totally cool with what I assume will eventually be Bryan/Sheamus III at WrestleMania (it'll be like the Rock/Austin trilogy for this generation!!). I can handle that. Sheamus will turn heel and it'll be exciting and Bryan can make anything seem like the greatest match you've seen since the last Daniel Bryan match you saw (part of the reason why he's so goddamned loved).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I feel fine and will be fine and we'll be fine and it's all fine you guys. No more crazy, uncalled for, outlandish reactions towards the WWE for not meeting our insane expectations, okay? Good.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Triple H: </b><i>"awwww did somebody not get what dey wanted??"</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ahem.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'll leave the Bryan stuff for now, only because I could probably talk about it forever, and I've got 300,000 words to type about a show we all boycotted.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">As for Triple H and Stephanie, nobody does Condescending Shithead as well as Triple H (I wonder why??), except for maybe Stephanie McMahon. Her calling the Rumble "the most satisfying in history" is so hilarious because you would never use the word satisfying to describe a WWE PPV unless if you were being a Cerebral Sarcastic. When have they ever used the word "satisfying" to describe anything?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">SPEAKING of satisfying (non-sarcastically), how satisfying was the crowd's rabid YESYESYES response to Stephanie McMahon-to-Bryan: "do you think these people are all here just to see you?". Even though it was a gimme for the crowd, it was satisfying as fuck, especially after about twelve Dan-iel-Bry-an/YES chant attempts that never lined up.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, here's the important stuff that happened: the reason Bryan is even out here (aside from addressing the show-destroying crowd from last night) is to demand that he be placed in the Elimination Chamber match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title. And <i>then</i> we'll get our classic guy-loses-at-Royal-Rumble-and-is-excluded-from-Royal-Rumble-match-but-wins-at-Elimination-Chamber-to-become-champion-to-then-defend-his-title-against-Batista-at-WrestleMania storyline that we all wanted, right?!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Bryan then tells Stephanie to step aside and he suggests that neither he nor Triple H should leave the ring until he's put in the Chamber match. Triple H takes offense to this and sicks The Shield on Bryan, and Seth Rollins treats the crowd barrier like he's Brock Lesnar navigating a TV monitor-filled floor:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvZyBV_GTSGvUEHx2_8aw64TPNYWUJlQ2vLfsjPlaeHLCo1tFEuPQ07sVfAg86KariW-g9sUTGrx7r4wI8AT4dEMF25FGrYVmeak7SiSH7KfQSqSd3whJDRlVuv2_2zdFuUgymBmP7RoY/s1600/PBSSethRollinsSlips.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvZyBV_GTSGvUEHx2_8aw64TPNYWUJlQ2vLfsjPlaeHLCo1tFEuPQ07sVfAg86KariW-g9sUTGrx7r4wI8AT4dEMF25FGrYVmeak7SiSH7KfQSqSd3whJDRlVuv2_2zdFuUgymBmP7RoY/s1600/PBSSethRollinsSlips.gif" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">For what it's worth, Rollins' recovery was much more graceful than Brock's (who almost certainly went home and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5SjD-KcSkE">shot Prairie Dogs</a> until he felt better).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">About Bryan being saved by Sheamus: I could focus on how Sheamus and Bryan should never be friends ever and it was dumb that he came to his rescue <i>but</i> I'm okay with the idea that everybody hates The Shield so much that it makes friends out of people who normally should hate each other. I know this wasn't even alluded to in the slightest, but that's gonna be my take on it for now, because we're gonna get a wicked main event out of it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, John Cena's bravery and justice and hustle and loyalty and respect fetish is so strong that even though he should still be pissed at Randy Orton for assaulting his dad or The Wyatts for ruining his WWE World Title match, he's still gonna run out and fight The Shield at the top of the show. I guess he's making up for lost time last week.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It sounded like the crowd was chanting for CM Punk to save Bryan and Sheamus, but they got Cena instead because Punk is still lying on top of a broken table in Pittsburgh and the Penguins are practicing around him I guess? Just set up some pylons guys, it'll be fine.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Haha, just kidding, but seriously, where is Punk anyway? He can't be selling a chokeslam from Step Dad Kane, can he? I'm sure everything's okay, he's probab--</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">[checks internet]</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">oh dear god no</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Bryan doesn't win the Rumble, Batista is back, CM Punk is leaving, Road Dogg ughghu…</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">… this really is the <a href="http://imgur.com/XyGlti6">darkest timeline</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I think no matter what the hell is going on, whether it's a work or not, credit has to be given to WWE. What I mean is, between the Bryan/Rumble stuff and Punk leaving, it's as reasonable to believe that it's a work as much as it is real. That's kinda crazy.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If it's a work, there'll be some awesome shit coming down the road with Punk returning and Bryan decapitating Triple H and holding his head up on a spear with the Superdome engulfed in flames and then Sting's face is formed by the billowing smoke. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And maybe even more importantly, this could be doing wonders for Triple H. The more I think about it, the Mr. McMahon character was made on "real" heat from the Montreal Screwjob - Triple H could hugely benefit from something that could be perceived as being "real", like Punk leaving or Bryan being held back or whatever.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Or it's real, and we just traded CM Punk for Batista and I want to fire our team's GM.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION RANDY ORTON IS HERE!: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">BUT AT LEAST RANDY'S HERE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">REY MYSTERIO & SIN CARA V. THE REAL AMERICANS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If you like somersault offence that forces other people to somersault, this match is for you. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">More importantly, check out the <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=The%20TSN%20Turning%20Point">TSN Turning Point</a> of this match:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Out of all the things that could make the Real Americans EVEN BETTER, I did not expect Zeb Coulter slapping Jack Swagger in the face to get him TURNT UP would be the one they went with. Frankly, I Juan't this to escalate every week. If it could get to the point where Zeb is purple nurpling Swagger to fire him up for suplexes, I'm weirdly all for it and no I don't know why.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match was mostly good because of Zeb's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4akMaeZ0-k">HOW CAN HE SLAP</a>, but how could I not mention:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">How long until Cesaro's the one we're unreasonably mad about being left out of stuff?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - SIX-MAN ELIMINATION CHAMBER QUALIFYING MATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sheamus, Bryan & Cena vs. The Shield. Winners are entered in the Chamber with Orton. The result is obvious but the match will be sweet and Mick Foley won't have to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfZVdR6jgvE">destroy his daughter's TV</a> in spite of it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cody Rhodes has been hanging around Attitude Era guys for so long I'm starting to retroactively book him in Hardcore Title matches in my brain.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DID YOU KNOW? - THE NBA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Last Friday, more than twice as many people watched SmackDown, compared to the NBA on ESPN</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Probably because they read the NBA spoilers on Tuesday, DUH.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BAD NEWS BARRETT: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In kayfabe, what is this man's purpose? Like, everybody on the roster is supposed to be a person who wants to wrestle, right? So does he show up to the arena every night, check the card and go "welp, no match for me - ah, but I see that there's this block of time for me to sit in my cherry picker and make fun of things. Good!" and that's that? And then after he's done shitting all over the city of Cleveland, he raises his arms like he didn't realize he just did that. And then a graphic with a hashtag stamps on his face. It's all so ridiculous that in theory, I should love it, but instead I hate it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Making fun of The Miz is where it evens out for me. Because fuck him.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK - MONDAY NIGHT WAR PREVIEW: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This preview gave me a boner with "nWo" spray-painted on it when I first saw this during the Vegas Network launch. The Ted Turner interview that starts it alone - just put that on repeat on my TV and I'll give you $9.99 a month (with a six month commitment).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK COUNTDOWN: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">As a Canadian, I have to wait an extra year and however much longer for this. Michael Cole says it's four weeks away, but then the King pipes up:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Jerry Lawler:</b> "Let's be more exact! It's actually 2 days 2 days 3 hours 2 days 3 seconds and 2 days 2 days and 2 seconds from now!" </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Michael Cole:</b> "… um"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'd make a "he's probably just having a stroke" joke but that would be too insensitive/accurate.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WRESTLEMANIA XXX COUNTDOWN: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">We've got so many countdowns. Someone get Jerry Lawler to try to correct the screen. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This graphic is hideous and looks like it's from 2002. Also, I remember ten years ago watching WrestleMania XX and wondering how pornographic WrestleMania XXX would be, thinking that Vince McMahon would have become a full-blown senile pervert by then. So far, I'm disappointed.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">FANDANGO V. R-TRUTH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Everything I liked about this match had nothing to do with the match. Three things:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">1. Xavier Woods reveals he wants to teach autistic children and suddenly his character develops a layer no one expected (what). In the process, he shuts up JBL who seems hellbent on destroying Woods' credibility.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">2. Summer Rae's distraction where she just stands in R-Truth's way and screams. I would feel dumb falling for that completely avoidable distraction. OH NO A GIRL <i>[gets clotheslined]</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">3. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RANDY ORTON WALKING BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Start fast-forwarding now and don't stop until you see Paul Heyman shit himself during Brock Lesnar's fireworks.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BRAD MADDOX, RANDY ORTON, BATISTA, BROCK LESNAR, PAUL HEYMAN, A LOT OF PEOPLE PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">There is a real charisma discrepancy going on in this segment. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">We've got Brad Maddox trying out new hand gestures as we return from commercial, Randy Orton struggling to flip his belts over his shoulder before yelling about some Randy Orton stuff or something, Batista coming out and reprising his promo from last week but in clothes that fit normally, and then Paul Heyman shows up to cut a promo so awesome that it instantly wets Brock Lesnar's upper lip for reasons we'll never understand.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sometimes I feel like Paul Heyman's words directly affect Lesnar's resting heart rate. And if his promo gets too intense then Brock's body starts doing stuff like this:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Pretty sure that scream filled Randy Orton's trunks with more poop than a Diva's duffel bag after Randy Orton filled it with his own poop.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">One thing I did like from Orton in his promo is how he was talking about his day and said "then I got to work this morning" as if he didn't mean that very arena, but another job at Hollister or something, where he takes shifts when he can because nobody responsibly supplements their income quite like THE VIPER RANDY ORTON.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Batista's promo was basically just his return promo but with the phrase "I don't care" inserted a bunch of times, which seems about right. But the most obviously perfect part of this whole segment was:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The Royal Rumble crowd was basically 18,000 Hans Molemans.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, Paul Heyman threatens Brad Maddox to have The Authority put Brock Lesnar in a match either against Randy Orton <i>or</i> Bootista OR ELSE and suddenly this Raw wets my upper lip.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - SIX-MAN ELIMINATION CHAMBER QUALIFYING MATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">AND THERE'S THIS TOO. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT, THE BATTLE OF CLEVELAND - DOLPH ZIGGLER V. THE MIZ: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">and there's this too</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE BATTLE OF CLEVELAND - DOLPH ZIGGLER V. THE MIZ: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So Edge has the TLC Match, Undertaker has the Casket Match (and the Hell In A Cell Match) (and the Buried Alive Match) (and the Concrete Crypt Handicap Match) (holy jesus) … does that make the "match that's named after whatever city we're in and features the wrestlers dressing thematically" Dolph Ziggler's match? Because if so… woof.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, Ziggler is excited to be in a Cavs jersey, The Miz is excited to be in a Browns jersey, and I'm not a basketball or football fan but I think a joke I can make here is that they both suck (the teams) (and The Miz).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match had a lot of things going against it, such as Wade Barrett declaring that it would suck earlier in the show, or say a "Cleveland Sucks" chant that occurred (in Cleveland) (which might be my favourite chant ever), or even the announcers ignoring what was happening and spending the match naming things they remember from Cleveland.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In the end, it was fine, but kinda weird. It felt like a pretend match. I know they're all pretend matches (it's still not pretend to me dammit) but I mean it seemed like they were projecting how pretend it was. Maybe because both guys we're overly playing to the crowd to be like CLEEEEVELAND WOOO THIS ONE'S FOR YOU ETC or something. And it's a shame because I really like Ziggler. Also The Miz was there.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Somewhere X-Pac is staring distantly into his phone reading through old texts from his friends.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DID YOU KNOW? - 10,003,647 AND COUNTING: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The WWE App has been downloaded an astonishing 10,000,000 times!</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">is there a faq somewhere to show me how to download it</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RYBAXEL V. THE USOS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match is brought to you by "A Clubbing Blow: The Curtis Axel Story" out on DVD and blu-ray this month.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Even though a solid 80% of this match was CLUBBING BLOWS (emphasis on blows) from Curtis Axel and Ryback, I ended up liking it quite a bit. It certainly made The Usos seem like a Dragon Gate team by the time they turned on their comeback. Not to mention this:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'd love any kind of explanation as to why Ryback and Curtis Axel are hanging out and teaming beyond "they're both kind of sucking and are mean" (although even that would do, I'm just assuming that much). There's a huge chunk of the roster who you look at and go "and what do you do" and there's no answer. You have to dig deeper than most casual fans are willing to go to find the personality and purpose of so many of these guys (Big E Langston's Instagram, Fandango on Main Event, Xavier Woods on Backstage Fallout, Ryback on Twitter, Curtis Axel in Mr. Perfect matches and promos, and so on).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Just gimme ten seconds of Ryback and Curtis Axel backstage practicing their big dumb wrestling grimmace faces in the mirror and I'd be happy. Just prove to me that they see each other more often than when they're already in the ring together because they constantly get the already in the ring jobber entrance.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, it's pretty nuts where Ryback's career has gone. From Skip Sheffield on NXT to headlining PPVs as Ryback to taking a clean pinfall from an Uso in a meaningless tag match on Raw. It's a perfect bell curve.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - SIX-MAN ELIMINATION CHAMBER QUALIFYING MATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I just realized they kept Mysterio off the show. Probably a good idea.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - 2014 WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">neat</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KOFI KINGSTON V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This was one of those matches where nothing is smooth and everything looked like it accidentally hurt way more than it should, and that, actually, was sweet.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">What was not sweet, was people cheering WILDLY for an old man standing up when two guys are flying to their death to the outside from the top rope.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">You must be able to time this down to the second - the moment, every week, when the live crowd gets tired of being at a wrestling show and decides to chant the things they hear people on TV chant every week: Randy Savage, JBL, Jerry, Michael Cole, Super Dragon, etc. Normally the announcers will ignore it, or give a slight wave or something, but this time JBL decides he's equally as bored as the crowd and stands up for a big HEY HOW YA DOIN.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Del Rio's response was what you might expect from a pissed off wrestler, as he SCOLDS JBL and tells him to sit down. It was the realest thing that's happened in wrestling <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkHwvid6WY8">since Vader throttled that interviewer in Kuwait</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Seriously though, I felt shame FOR JBL in that moment.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Even though ADR v. Kofi had the makings of being a crappy match that gets ruined by the crowd and the commentary, it ended up being pretty good. Also good was Jerry Lawler commenting on Roman Reigns' Royal Rumble performance: <i>"it was almost like a coming out party for Reigns last night, he really showed himself". </i>We<i> </i>may as well just have Tobias Funke replace Jerry right now.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE 2K14 PLUG: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Jerry Lawler is shocked that Wrestling Superstar Virgil is in this game.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">X-Pac, at home, studies his reflection in his replica European Title</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - BROCK V. ???: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">a.k.a. OR ELSE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - BRHODES V. NEW AGE OUTLAWS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Or, The New New Age Outlaws: Eddie Griswold and Age-Accelerated Dolph Ziggler.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I would've loved the match to start with Cody Rhodes gingerly rolling up a gassed Road Dogg because that promo damn near killed him.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And you know, even though there's storyline reasons for everything, it's a huge bummer that the guys that finally took the belts off the FUCKING SHIELD are losing to the New Age Outlaws.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">One highlight from this match (before Brock Lesnar came out to steel chair it to death) was Cody Rhodes' crotch chop, which ranks somewhere in between Roman Reigns' and CM Punk's and leagues below Mike Tyson's, which, obviously, is the benchmark.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, Brock Lesnar comes out and turns Cody Rhodes and Goldust into Al Snow, Spike Dudley and Maven with F5s and chairshots. As badass as that was, Charles Robinson steals the segment when Brock hurls the chair into the air, it bounces off the apron and <a href="http://i.imgur.com/2NKlGbJ.gif">perfectly into Lil' Naitch's hands</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - SIX-MAN ELIMINATION CHAMBER QUALIFYING MATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Let The Shield qualify and then somehow the Wyatts qualify and it's just a six-man Chamber match that Randy Orton forfeits the title for. Or do the thing that makes "actual sense", FINE.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE BELLAS & THE FUNKADACTYLS V. AJ, TAMINA, AKSANA & ALICIA FOX: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Out of all the combinations they had to start this match, they went with Cameron and Aksana, which may be the most dangerous pairing they've got on the entire roster. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">As for the match, I, uh… yeah I don't want to be the guy who shits all over the Divas matches all the time, but eeeughhh. This match featured the referee informing Nikki Bella her shoulder isn't down so he can't count the pin, so instead of Aksana forcing Nikki's shoulder down, Nikki just puts it there herself and then kicks out at two. At one point, I'm almost certain the hard cam had to zoom in to avoid seeing Nikki's entire vagina. There also was a TRIPLE SUPLEX spot that went flawlessly (what) and AJ taking a single move to get pinned clean. Also Nikki Bella never passes up an opportunity to do the worm, and that's how this ends.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2014 HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE - NEXT: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If they open up a Match Wing, it's only a matter of time until <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlYIl55WRzc">Melina v. Alicia Fox</a> is in, so maybe they'll just get right down to it tonight? </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DID YOU KNOW? - WWE NETWORK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When the WWE Network debuts on February 24th, you'll be able to watch every Pay Per View event ever produced from ECW, WCW and WWE.</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">yes i did know that but the thought of it still stiffens my wrestling boner so i forgive you</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">also yes i realize i've referenced my wrestling boner more than once in this review (i sincerely had to cut it down from three or four times) </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2014 HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE - JAKE THE SNAKE ROBERTS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv6JVeOOjZQaPDrQFuB3-OybP9lnPpVuRLV_AXY1Mp6GKIP0Xlj6CTrmpsRsN2Ck_blLCy2Yg6zvh4cfSkLfLPZpp-29nDzMuyrDDVCifCluNonofIyuPfbXoNcVafeloCBqQE2cTvlk0/s1600/PBSSnakeFan.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv6JVeOOjZQaPDrQFuB3-OybP9lnPpVuRLV_AXY1Mp6GKIP0Xlj6CTrmpsRsN2Ck_blLCy2Yg6zvh4cfSkLfLPZpp-29nDzMuyrDDVCifCluNonofIyuPfbXoNcVafeloCBqQE2cTvlk0/s1600/PBSSnakeFan.gif" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm legitimately shocked that he wasn't already in. He's one of those guys that, I believe, to the people who have never watched wrestling, know his name. Jake "The Snake" is probably the third or fourth wrestler people name if you ask "what wrestlers do you know" behind Hulk Hogan, Macho Man and The Rock. I'm pulling this out of my ass, but I feel like it's kinda true.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">He deserves this as much as anybody, and it goes without saying, but good for him for DDP Yoga-ing his way back into WWE's good graces. Although, when I was a kid my mom told me to not be like Jake because he hit Miss Elizabeth. Good thing she didn't know about the other stuff he did (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08OzKr-JytI&t=47m37s">two a time with toys</a>). </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK - WRESTLEMANIA REWIND PREVIEW: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The graphics of this thing alone satisfy my Jake Roberts-esque sexually insatiable wrestling appetite. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAIN EVENT - SIX-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH TO QUALIFY FOR THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER - JOHN CENA, SHEAMUS & DANIEL BRYAN V. THE SHIELD: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Do you need me to tell you this match ruled? DO YOU?!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I feel completely stupid writing anything else. Just watch this match and enjoy your balls off.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But, in case you need a list of things I liked about this match to enhance your viewing experience, here it is:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Seth Rollins STICKING his ringside entrance and being proud about it</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Roman Reigns stocking up on wicked moves and taunts liked there's a 12 year old out there somewhere creating him as a real life CAW. Seriously, he's got the Spear, Single-Style Triple Powerbomb (when he chooses to use it), the apron dropkick complete with robo-arms:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> and the Superman Punch, preceded by the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgOtPXDyKjA">Three Point Landing pose</a> and a fist-cocking/fisting pantomime taunt. WHAT ELSE IS THERE? Can he incorporate a Burning Hammer with a taunt where he literally lights a hammer on fire?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Seth Rollins' grenade pouches finally having a purpose (they're Sheamus proof):</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Daniel Bryan's always impressive surfboard on Rollins</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Shield's completely dejected demeanour after Cena kicks out of a DDT:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Daniel Bryan's entire comeback spot that is so perfect that these words are actually making it worse as I type</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Reigns breaking Cena's STF cyborg-grip</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- JEAAP WYATTS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Shield's reaction to losing which is incredulous and SO JUSTIFIED</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- the wrestling</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- the match</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- the guys</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- all of it</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- can't stop won't stop</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- afsdafsdasfdas</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When a show ends like that, it basically erases all of the Batista things and tucks you into bed as if nothing bad ever happened.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> I feel like George Bailey running around in the snow, seeing the wonderful life he had is back to how he knew it - "<i>HAHA MY MOUTH'S BLEEDIN' BERT, MERRY CHRISTMAS <strike>MOVIE HOUSE</strike> DANIEL BRYAN WINNING THE ROYAL RUMBLE! MERRY CHRISTMAS <strike>EMPORIUM</strike> CM PUNK LEAVING IS A WORK! MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU WONDERFUL OLD <strike>BUILDING AND LOAN</strike> BATISTA TURNING HEEL INSTEAD OF BEING A SHITTY BABYFACE WHO HATES FANS!"</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">… uh, see you next week?</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">fooorrr auullld laaaang syyyyne...</span></i></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-66018238762498069092014-01-27T15:45:00.002-05:002014-01-27T15:45:47.297-05:00BATISTA GIVES THE RUMBLE THE FINGER<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.ca/2013/12/hey-pizzabody-slams-back-aaaaaaand-hes.html">WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!</a></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-l4EM1hQRQuKdCaC80rvM2Cf_h4_fOQuwjNgYyPir4uhWD9uk9W75ytqxXUwZTAMFof67X4lXzC2gdEoaM1raJ2sLtmuoGDMMlZ6C9KIDyREbOQ_zl36uM5rNj8TLfzhKawi1FHx9X8w/s1600/batistafingerjpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-l4EM1hQRQuKdCaC80rvM2Cf_h4_fOQuwjNgYyPir4uhWD9uk9W75ytqxXUwZTAMFof67X4lXzC2gdEoaM1raJ2sLtmuoGDMMlZ6C9KIDyREbOQ_zl36uM5rNj8TLfzhKawi1FHx9X8w/s1600/batistafingerjpg.jpg" height="400" width="376" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3E5FHsxoYOjhxGSHeCpRmxlPUcwv4Ak8vq3E0DD5PEG97UnV9o8Fq8yWxiNqDeByhh-ERuenAukCk-WRsbk4qbWTG8V3QM7NCxFv_ye-yNZ1tjOjmDJS11HEysK9oRFYqdJ6rWD_HGAkn/s1600/DSC01078.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3E5FHsxoYOjhxGSHeCpRmxlPUcwv4Ak8vq3E0DD5PEG97UnV9o8Fq8yWxiNqDeByhh-ERuenAukCk-WRsbk4qbWTG8V3QM7NCxFv_ye-yNZ1tjOjmDJS11HEysK9oRFYqdJ6rWD_HGAkn/s1600/DSC01078.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not only did I correctly predict that Batista would win the Royal Rumble, but I also foreshadowed the crap out of him flipping the crowd off. When I made that prediction, I thought I might be right... but I didn't think I'd be <i>that</i> right.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Guys, I'm sorry. I'll take the blame for this one. I never should've used that Batista picture for evil. I should've known that Big Dave was #StillHungry for the sweet, sweet tears of smart marks <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8VRYR_4azquaiL1dSv6_Ec7q9ah9EDrW8wvda5xwKtXraRwKWVbuhWz99l1ozKrpAe2CHYZxHmp-LF6_TcKoPrWdZ-9dlf4K4F42adAJZQd1yMVuk9IRUzxy-S4IIAf9FhLjGS9_yI_A/s1600/batistasmarktweetjpg.jpg">(who, also, can suck his balls [Haha!! #onelife])</a>.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, I'll probably wait until RAW IS DVR'D to share my full Rumble thoughts. I'll need to cool down though, I was a little mad last night:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="225" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/dvXRoe3vui0" width="400"></iframe></span>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-27021332267711985612014-01-23T18:08:00.000-05:002014-01-23T18:08:06.891-05:00RAW IS DVR'D 01/20/14: PITBULL OF DANGER<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">That's the only Dave "The Pitbull" Batista joke I'll make, promise.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Welcome to RAW IS DVR'D, a review designed to help point out the parts of the show that are worth watching, and the parts of the show that you can fast-forward because nothing awesome or unintentionally hilarious happened. RAW IS DVR'D wasn't around during Batista's last main event run, but my blog was, and holy mother of fuck would I FF the shit out of his stupid face.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I started PIZZABODYSLAM in late 2009, right around when Batista was what can only be described as <i>the worst</i>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">PBS began as a place to air my Batista related grievances. I hated him. And, even as a babyface, <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3E5FHsxoYOjhxGSHeCpRmxlPUcwv4Ak8vq3E0DD5PEG97UnV9o8Fq8yWxiNqDeByhh-ERuenAukCk-WRsbk4qbWTG8V3QM7NCxFv_ye-yNZ1tjOjmDJS11HEysK9oRFYqdJ6rWD_HGAkn/s1600/DSC01078.JPG">he hated us too</a>. But when he turned heel and started dressing like an AWA Road Warrior Super Soldier time travelling from the past and/or future, who called John Cena out on kissing babies and hugging fat girls, it was like someone told him wrestling isn't fake anymore, it's all real, just go out there and be your own douchey self… it was beautiful.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">AND THEN HE QUIT. He just dropped his BADASS HILARIOUS heel gimmick and left. And that made me hate him more. How dare he be SO SHITTY for SO LONG and then suddenly become the best thing he's ever been, just to instantly peace out.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So going into Monday's Raw, I had hopes that we might get <i>that</i> Batista. The one that truly lives in the skin of the shitty one. The one that secretly gives the double middle fingers to the front row even when he's babyface. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Here's hoping.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> IS DVR'D</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">JANUARY 20TH, 2014</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAE YOUNG TRIBUTE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm not really good at being serious on this blog. But this tribute was touching, and you should check it out, even if you only knew Mae Young as the old lady who took her clothes off and rubbed her vagina on people <i>damnit</i> see? I can't do it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. VIDEO: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a href="https://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam/status/425163541818011648">hey i thought it was batista day</a> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE AUTHORITY, RANDY ORTON & BATISTA PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Ugh, <i>finally</i> we get past all the dead people stuff and onto the things that matter - Triple H!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Ho man, there's so much to watch here and almost none of it is good and almost all of it is accidentally funny (a.k.a. my second favourite type of pro wrestling TV, just behind ACTUALLY GOOD pro wrestling TV).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The show starts with The Authority in the ring, and Stephanie McMahon is doing her very underrated Vince McMahon impression of a guy who doesn't realize he's hated by everybody in the room, but is so pumped to be in the ring in front of those same people.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then, Triple H starts to introduce someone by rhyming off qualities that could either describe Batista or Randy Orton, and Randy Orton comes out, and everybody goes <i>"RANDY LET HIM FINISH I DON'T THINK HE MEANT YOU".</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm not sure how many times any combination of Triple H, Randy Orton and Stephanie McMahon have asked "who the hell do you think you are," but they see each other every day and should straighten this out. Orton is pissed about Brock Lesnar and Batista and John Cena and Charlie Haas and anybody who came out of OVW in 2002, and Stephanie counters by trying to sell him the WWE Network. Randy is all <i>"Hm, sounds good - only 9.99 huh? That's quite afforda-- HEY WAIT A MINUTE I'M MAD".</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I love trying to dissect the kayfabe logic of that segment though. I want to think that Stephanie went to the production truck and went: <i>"So we're gonna start the show by describing Batista as a guy from Evolution who sometimes does and sometimes doesn't like Triple H. I'm pretty sure Randy Orton will think we're talking about him or at the very least get mad that we're </i>not<i> talking about him, and storm out here, so have the footage of him beating up John Cena's dad handy, k? Thanks."</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Suddenly, Kofi Kingston is brought up and I fear the worst. Yep. A Kofi and Orton rematch is made, Batista comes out to confront Orton and hug Triple H and 2009 rests its wiener firmly on my face.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But in the middle of all of this, there's some amazing Triple H promo magic. For some reason, him getting all mad about Orton not being able to beat Kofi Kingston and trying to say the word DO but instead saying the word DOH busted my gut. He also said losing to Kofi Kingston was <i>unrational</i>, and as I waited for him to fit "unpossible" into a sentence, Big Dave comes out.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIXeM686j8Jk2AyKSUXFs1k_vQY49JwkruJAaK8R-F2t5NNMjZGcABCkIJDG4xrCXHB664i1gGKbz0GZ6fo-KpPPUy5GrvUQdb4-FkPZDPG-gISqY5XdEIU0mOzMB-rX-xPFDRL3ICrnA/s1600/StephanieBatistaChant.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIXeM686j8Jk2AyKSUXFs1k_vQY49JwkruJAaK8R-F2t5NNMjZGcABCkIJDG4xrCXHB664i1gGKbz0GZ6fo-KpPPUy5GrvUQdb4-FkPZDPG-gISqY5XdEIU0mOzMB-rX-xPFDRL3ICrnA/s1600/StephanieBatistaChant.gif" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">We need more heel McMahon characters cheering on top faces. So. Funny.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>(imagine here a gif of Shawn Michaels dancing on the announce table and Vince McMahon loving it - I spent way too long trying to YouTube that and couldn't find it. Starting to think I dreamt it.)</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Now, onto Batista. I don't mind saying, I was pleasantly surprised when he came out in his Heel Batista uniform (dressed like a dingus), but that feeling quickly faded when he began his VINTAGE BORING BABYFACE PROMO. That didn't make his clothes any less funny or blood-stoppingly tight. I feel like Michael Cole should've lead off with "here's what you missed on the WWE App moments ago - Santino did Batista's laundry and it all shrunk! <i>(insufferable giggling)</i> Join the conversation with #WWETideColdwater"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">That's about what I would've expected though, seeing as he is returning as his "cool guy babyface" persona, and not "the only interesting persona I've ever had, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qlJUDenTHo">duct tape are you serious</a>" persona.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - BIG SHOW & BROCK LESNAR GO FACE TO FACE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It is 100% weird that there's a Big Show/Lesnar feud and an Orton/Batista feud on the rise and it's 2014.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE JOHN CENA CAM: WATCH</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Oh RIGHT. Triple H also mentioned there's a John Cena camera now, that's dedicated to filming the place where the wrestlers show up, so when John Cena gets here, no longer will everybody have to ask "where's John Cena". </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I would absolutely watch a WWE Network show that followed John Cena around wherever he went, just to confirm that he only has two outfits - John Cena t-shirt and jorts attire, and comically oversized suit.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - BIG E. & BRHODES V. THE SHIELD: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Awwww yeah. This match will be like a forget-me-now for that Batista promo fuck me I can't believe I have to go back to forgetting Batista promos.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE JOHN CENA CAM: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Still nothing. You think he might show up earlier than 8:30 for Raw. I mean, you never know if they might need a derpy half-serious, half-unfunny 20 minute promo about underwear to start the show, John!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BIG E. LANGSTON & BRHODES V. THE SHIELD: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">MAN I am gassed after writing 25,000 words on Batista's hilarious wardrobe. Thankfully, not much has to be said about a THE SHIELD match kicking off the wrestling portion of any Raw.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It definitely wasn't the absolute best 6-man they've had, but it featured all wicked wrestlers and all the midcard titles. Not to mention Big E continuing to wrestle Ultimate Warrior tribute matches ever since he was announced for the Hall Of Fame. Maybe I wasn't paying close enough attention before, but he's used the running splash and the gorilla press slam the last couple of weeks, and is one shouty promo that's vaguely about "sacrifice" away from painting his face the colours of his singlet.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cody Rhodes did that sweet dive to the outside where he looks like he's auditioning for the role of Good Sin Cara, and even Goldust's somersault plancha from the apron was great. Roman Reigns' Superman Punch is becoming the best new flash KO move since his Better Than Edge's Spear Spear. Big E was moving like a small vehicle in the ring, and Seth Rollins nailed the Blackout for the win, which is also sweet, because The Shield continue to win 6-man tag matches, instead of just doing that thing when streaks end, where suddenly one loss means they could lose to anybody all the time.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So, with The Shield's win, they're the first among many to be potential Rumble winners, based off my <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.ca/2014/01/heres-what-past-ten-rumble-winners-were.html">last post</a> about how the eventual Rumble winners look strong on the go-home show.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> LAST MONDAY - BRYAN SHEDS THE WYATT SKIN: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sometimes, I think this was a concussion-induced fever dream too. Daniel Bryan as over as Steve Austin. Holy damnit.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK COUNTDOWN CLOCK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Being from Canada, I need this clock converted to Canadian, which is just a full year added to it and a bunch of questions marks.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DANIEL BRYAN BREAKS HIS SILENCE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I've sat here for I don't know how long, wanting to write a huge paragraph on Bryan's concussion, his Rumble involvement or non-involvement, his popularity, and just about everything else. I've decided that this is one of those things that is better to watch than write about. The speculation is fun and I could talk about it for hours (I feel like I'm the kind of person who could be convinced ANYTHING is a work in wrestling), but this is something I want to get wrapped up in and not ruin by over-thinking or over-reading or over-anythinging. I could be enormously let down by Sunday, but that's all part of it too.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The one thing I'll point out, which I haven't read anywhere (maybe from lack of searching), is that I found it strange how Bryan challenged Bray. He went out of his way to inform everyone how you can't be both in the Rumble and in another match at the Rumble, and then challenged Bray to a match. This is also not even true, unless if it was a secret rule passed behind the scenes that we're supposed to suddenly believe, or say, a plot point. It used to be that you wouldn't even see the guys competing for the WWE Title at the Royal Rumble <i>in the Royal Rumble</i>, but 2011 saw both Orton and Ziggler showing up as entrants, despite fighting for the WWE and World Heavyweight belts, respectively.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm not saying this means anything one way or another, or at least I'm not picking a side. I am saying, however, that I hate that I said I wouldn't talk about it and here I am talking about it shit goddamnit. MOVING ON.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">After I spent the duration of Bryan's promo wondering if he was gonna HBKollapse, concussed in the corner, Bray Wyatt shows up on the titantron and monologues his balls off. I want to say something insane like he's this generation's Mick Foley or Harley Race or Jake Roberts or whoever is the benchmark for "guy whose promos are the fucking realest", but I'm also still scared of that time I said "Alex Riley has good fire" and don't want to over-extend my hyperbole. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But god<i>DAMN</i>. Bray Wyatt went to the Ultimate Warrior Quiet-Whisper-to-Hoarse-Screaming Promo Academy and burned that sucker to the ground.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">FANDANGO V. XAVIER WOODS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match, unfortunately, was like the polar opposite of everything I just said. For some reason it made me think of the movie Unbreakable and how Samuel L. Jackson's character knew there must be a man with the opposite condition as his (Bruce Willis) for whatever reason. This shitty match exists on the same curve as Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt's wicked promo, just on opposite ends.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The match was also about as long as Emma's screen-time in the crowd. R-Truth sat down beside JBL and was like: "Hey y'all so excited to do commentary for this match aw what the hell".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It's kind of a bummer too, since both guys are actually pretty funny in the Backstage Fallout videos or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xXu6VCniXI">Main Event segments</a> or just straight-up <a href="http://instagram.com/p/jfYTIDQRDc/">on Instagram</a>: </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KANE, MADDOX & STEPHANIE BACKSTAGE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Okay, you could <i>probably</i> fast-forward this one, but I am very weirdly on board with the Kane that's trying to make a better life for himself and become integrated into society. The Authority give him a lot of flack for being a loose cannon, and Stephanie admitting that putting <i>him</i> -- KANE -- in a managerial position was a risk. </span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"Guys, we knew that the guy that can materialize fire with his thoughts could fly off the handle. YES, I know he once killed a woman -- oh no, he's trying to make his pryo go off again, someone get him a blanket and some cocoa."</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><strike>MLK DAY QUOTE</strike> BATISTA DAY QUOTE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>"<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCt-HUn0AAU">Basketballs don't hold grudges</a>" </i>- Dave Batista</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KANE APOLOGIZES TO CM PUNK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Fast-forward, but know that I still love Director of Operations Kane, or DOOK ("Dookie" if you're close with him) coming out to basically say "I overstepped my bounds when I hit my Chokeslam From Hell finishing move on you".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CM PUNK V. DOLPH ZIGGLER: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Man, Dolph Ziggler looks awful, that concussion really did a number on-- OH WAIT it's Billy Gunn.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CM PUNK V. BILLY GUNN: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I like to believe that CM Punk's timeline fractured during the Ascension Ceremony and he's now been Last Action Hero'd into No Mercy for N64 and is fighting in unfair handicap matches and feuding with Kane and the New Age Outlaws and Triple H and there's weird saxophone DJ-scratching music everywhere okay maybe not that last part.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The highlight of this match for me was without a doubt Punk attacking Road Dogg at the very moment the word "hashtag" left his mouth.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, I like that Triple H has THE FUCKING SHIELD at his disposal, but still think that enlisting his 50 year old buds would be an upgrade in henchmen.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The segment ends with Brad Maddox coming out to say something to Punk, but Kane interrupts and has a "bake 'em away, toys" moment almost fumbling over his words to tell Punk he's #1 in the Rumble, which will make his last three Rumble entry numbers 1, 1 and 3. Ouch.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE JOHN CENA CAM: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Lesnar and Heyman make a cameo on the John Cena cam, which is turning into an episode of Mystery Diners, where it's being revealed that John Cena is not actually the model employee we think he is!!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">On the other hand, Brock Lesnar showing up late I can believe.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ROYAL RUMBLE BY THE NUMBERS VIDEO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Even though this video is the EXACT SAME every year, right down to the wording (but with a new voice over person to try and trick me), I still get wet in the pants for Royal Rumble stats. Who's logged the most Rumble time? How many winners has the #27 spot generated? How many murderers has the #1 spot generated? And so on.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Mentioning that two people have gone all the way from #1 to winning the Rumble but only showing or mentioning Shawn Michaels is weirdly more eerie and unsettling than just being like "the other was Chris Benoit, he killed his family -- and now let's move right on to that time Hogan eliminated The Warlord…"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">REY MYSTERIO V. ALBERTO DEL RIO, FT. BATISTA: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm not gonna say a whole lot about Del Rio v. Mysterio XXXVII, because the real thing to take home from this whole segment was Batista's hilarious stupid face:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">LIKE THAT. LIKE THAT. LIKE THAT. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Had he gone full sit-out Batista Bomb, we would've finally had the answer to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nHL1mFOdXY">this age-old question</a><b><i>.</i></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So that does it for Batista's big return. How do you think it went? If your answer isn't "AWESOMMMME #StillHungry!!!!" <a href="https://twitter.com/DaveBautista/status/426239256747466752">then Batista has a few words for you</a>:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8VRYR_4azquaiL1dSv6_Ec7q9ah9EDrW8wvda5xwKtXraRwKWVbuhWz99l1ozKrpAe2CHYZxHmp-LF6_TcKoPrWdZ-9dlf4K4F42adAJZQd1yMVuk9IRUzxy-S4IIAf9FhLjGS9_yI_A/s1600/batistasmarktweetjpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8VRYR_4azquaiL1dSv6_Ec7q9ah9EDrW8wvda5xwKtXraRwKWVbuhWz99l1ozKrpAe2CHYZxHmp-LF6_TcKoPrWdZ-9dlf4K4F42adAJZQd1yMVuk9IRUzxy-S4IIAf9FhLjGS9_yI_A/s1600/batistasmarktweetjpg.jpg" height="400" width="385" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Love the guy's response at the bottom. <i>Present them.</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BIG SHOW BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Getting ready for his face to face with Brock Lesnar by talking to the smallest man he can find.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><strike>MLK DAY QUOTE</strike> BATISTA DAY QUOTE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>"<a href="http://youtu.be/29dyTdM9Epk?t=4m15s">When I look at you, I don't see fans. I don't even see people. I see money, money, money, money, dollar signs, dollar signs, dollar signs dollar signs. With some of you I see a lot of dollar signs, because I see a lot of fat people in the audience and I know you paid for two seats.</a>"</i> - Dave Batista</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BIG SHOW AND BROCK LESNAR - FACE TO FACE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">OH YES.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">(wait, I should include a quick FF for Unfunny Big Show (my third least favourite Big Show, behind FIRED UP Big Show and Crying, Method Acting Big Show, and just ahead of Wrestling Big Show)'s Paul Heyman impression. Woof.)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This was hands down the best thing to happen on this show:</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGEpdiIauPW40XE8J27qtIuj14aIn07KtQyA_fPmUoddq_UKj-42Vz4edK-XJJ4H-a57vuYeOKdy-37bQuA0njepaYniEy_dvdv9uqwqj5CZ7HrH66luRgEENDMKED_yJ_WpPfL6rNRNY/s1600/PBSShowThrowsLesnar.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGEpdiIauPW40XE8J27qtIuj14aIn07KtQyA_fPmUoddq_UKj-42Vz4edK-XJJ4H-a57vuYeOKdy-37bQuA0njepaYniEy_dvdv9uqwqj5CZ7HrH66luRgEENDMKED_yJ_WpPfL6rNRNY/s1600/PBSShowThrowsLesnar.gif" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJgso4mHypFdQcSLd26CQZodFyepXub5Hct4sX5QU2PRWbCnREHx8Yj89edWTXqI6QQtMf1gcUH3RySwYN1-PFTPk90yrTlVMs3UbJw-tSOhhvdZvyiGXOvIRIY9ot9tpi0rFhBnuJc7I/s1600/PBSLesnarTrips.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJgso4mHypFdQcSLd26CQZodFyepXub5Hct4sX5QU2PRWbCnREHx8Yj89edWTXqI6QQtMf1gcUH3RySwYN1-PFTPk90yrTlVMs3UbJw-tSOhhvdZvyiGXOvIRIY9ot9tpi0rFhBnuJc7I/s1600/PBSLesnarTrips.gif" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Brock Lesnar <a href="http://youtu.be/jri-0iUGti4?t=3m21s">CAN NOT</a> <a href="http://youtu.be/k1j9wjHbXys?t=23m39s">STOP</a> <a href="http://youtu.be/mP_TPr5Uy2A?t=7m2s">CARTWHEELING</a>. He has two primary functions - unstoppable mutant freak beast of human destruction… or giant cartwheel enthusiast.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Seriously though, how much of this was planned? Part of me feels like the plan was for Lesnar to get flipped over the top by Big Show, but for him to land somewhat gracefully (instead of ass-over-tea-kettlefully) and <i>then</i> throw a kayfabe tantrum (instead of a REAL LIFE tantrum)… or Lesnar is just good at pretending to be mad and smashing things.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But the next part that happened was definitely not planned as Lesnar tripped over a monitor that he threw in his previous tantrum and then proceeded to TANTRUM HARDER by shotputting a TV at Big Show. And I'm sure he immediately regretted screaming I WILL SEE YOUR ASS ON SUNDAY <a href="http://youtu.be/Lznv781LhlI?t=3m15s">when his voice squeaked at the end</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I wish I could see the shit fit that Lesnar threw backstage. I picture him throwing a real life tantrum where he chucks another TV monitor and later trips on it again, and it becomes a never-ending cycle until the Royal Rumble where he comes out for his match by tripping over a TV monitor.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, to reference <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.ca/2014/01/heres-what-past-ten-rumble-winners-were.html">my last blog</a>, you'll notice in this segment that Big Show was displaying what is known as Wrestling Momentum by Standing Tall on the show before the PPV, which means he will almost certainly get obliterated by Lesnar on Sunday, in a finish that I hope includes a TV monitor pratfall gag.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - ORTON V. KINGSTON: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">(fart noise)</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE JOHN CENA CAM: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This is starting to become <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVAPGohsfT8">the climactic scene of Homeward Bound.</a> </span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">c'mon shadow</span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">...</span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">… Peter.</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">AJ LEE & TAMINA V. THE FUNKADACTYLS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match starts with Michael Cole going: "There is cake all over Tamina we're gonna tell ya why".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm convinced that Cameron has never been trained and instead, somewhere in another dimension, the whole world is watching her wrestle this match and every match on The Running Man.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">These were my only two thoughts during this match.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">EARLIER TONIGHT - BATISTA RETURNS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">HOO BOY didn't even want to see this the first time.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - THE USOS V. HARPER & ROWAN: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">yeeaaaahyeeaahyeahyeah</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DID YOU KNOW? - THE WWE NETWORK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When you subscribe to the WWE Network, you will get every WWE Pay Per View, starting with WrestleMania XXX - for just $9.99 per month! with 6 month commitment</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I've already committed my life, what's another six months.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ROYAL RUMBLE BY THE NUMBERS VIDEO: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Okay, doing the same "numbers" video every year for the Rumble, I can allow. But splitting it into two videos to fill more time is where I draw the line. And the narrator is getting worse. When talking about Kane, he uses the phrase "now that's good for business!" which isn't even the catchphrase.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ROYAL RUMBLE CARD PREVIEW: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">You know what the matches are. But for fun, here are my (and I assume everybody else's) predictions (which instantly means that they're all wrong):</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Lesnar def. Show</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Bryan def. Wyatt via DQ</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Bryan wins the Rumble that he's currently not announced as participating in.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MARTIN LUTHER KING VIDEO: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sorry, but, I seent it already. AND FOR THE LAST TIME IT'S BATISTA DAY #insensitive</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE USOS V. ROWAN & HARPER: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Candidate for the best use of the Wyatts sheepface screaming jump cut thing that starts their entrance:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The crowd was kinda blargh throughout this match, which is a huge bummer considering how sweet the ending of Raw was last week (even if it had way more to do with Bryan than these four guys). Still, there were some good highlights - mainly Bray Wyatt standing up with a mic during the match, going: "do you guys not like this match orrrr", and also this:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Daniel Bryan YESSES the Usos into a win and we all continue to wonder what the fuck is going to happen with him.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAIN EVENT - THE JOHN CENA CAM?: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I love that wrestlers are either always backstage in wrestling gear, whether they're booked for anything or not, just waiting for someone to be like "BAM you're in the next match" or "BAM that guy called me out i'm gonna go punch his dad" or whatever, OR, they don't arrive to the arena until the overrun like John Cena is about to.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - ORTON V. KINGSTON: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">oh right this is the main event</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RUMBLE KICKOFF PREVIEW: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I kinda love the Royal Rumble Drinkin' and Druggin' panel of Flair, HBK and Hacksaw.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAIN EVENT - RANDY ORTON V. KOFI KINGSTON: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So Dayton gets a babyface Batista return, a Billy Gunn match, no Daniel Bryan match, no Antonio Cesaro match, a Randy Orton v. Kofi Kingston main event and a camera dedicated to John Cena showing up late for work. Bummer.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">As you may have guessed, this match goes nowhere and is just a thing that is happening until John Cena shows up running down the street in his wrestling attire <i>wait what?</i> What the hell happened? Was Zack Ryder changing his tires or something? Why is John Cena arriving to the arena on foot running at full speed?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I picture Cena at the John Cena T-Shirt and Armband factory watching his new gear getting printed, constantly checking his watch (beneath his old and busted John Cena armband).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The ending of Raw was equal parts hilarious and heartwarming. From Randy Orton using a getaway car to escape a regular John Cena beatdown to Cena re-entering the arena to his music, celebrating, like <i>"I CHASED THE EVIL-DOER INTO A FAMILY SEDAN. HE'S GONE NOW. WE CAN ALL GO HOME."</i> to finally, John Cena making his way through the crowd and padding his Make A Wish stats.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Seriously though, there's nothing that makes me happier than seeing kids' LIVES made when acknowledged by a wrestler. Check out this kid furiously smacking at Cena until he notices him and shakes his hand. You can pinpoint the moment when his mind EXPLODES:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And there's probably no better way to make Cena cheered going into a PPV than closing the show with him personally meeting every handicapped person in the arena. But the irony is not lost on me that on the show that Batista returned on, Cena closed it by hugging kissing babies and hugging fat girls.</span></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-20451081751890362972014-01-20T19:11:00.000-05:002014-01-20T19:11:22.171-05:00HERE'S WHAT THE PAST TEN RUMBLE WINNERS WERE DOING ON THE GO-HOME RAW<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Usually, "wrestling momentum" works in the exact opposite way that "actual momentum" does. If you win a match or "stand tall" (good posture if very important in wrestling I guess) on the last Raw before your match at a Pay-Per-View, you are almost certainly going to lose that match. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">That holds true for every PPV, except for the Royal Rumble. I would never have guessed it, but take a look at the past ten Rumble winners and what they were up to six days (or less, if they were on SmackDown) before the event.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2013 WINNER: JOHN CENA</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This might've been one of the most telegraphed Rumble wins in history. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena and The Rock were slated to shoehorn two Lifetimes into a single Lifetime and have a rematch for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania. The week before the Royal Rumble, Rocky swore to God that he'd beat CM Punk for the title (and we all went "oh okay so he's going to beat CM Punk for the title). On the same show, John Cena swore to <i>his</i> God (each and every one of us whether we love him or hate him the WWE Universe) that he'd win the Royal Rumble:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So, he didn't win a match or anything, and the show closed with a bunch of wrestlers parading into the ring to be all "no, I'll win the Royal Rumble" - "<a href="http://ibrokethedam.ytmnd.com/">no, I broke the dam</a>" and Raw ended in a brawl with no clear winner or Tall Stander. BUT, John Cena screamed in his screamiest voice that he would win, and he won.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2012 WINNER: <strike>CHRIS JERICHO</strike> SHEAMUS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Everybody had picked Jericho as the Rumble winner leading up to the 2012 Royal Rumble, so much so that Vince McMahon went "DAMMIT INTERNET WHO DO YOU THINK YOU AREEEGGRHGHG" and immediately scribbled out Jericho's name on the script and replaced it with a glossy Sheamus 8x10.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sheamus looked strong in a win against <strike>Jobber</strike> Jinder Mahal on the last Raw before the PPV. Sheamus then screamed about winning the Royal Rumble match, and guess what, he won.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2011 WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Before winning the Biggest Royal Rumble In History (40 men, 23 of them were either in the Corre or the New Nexus), Del Rio was making Mark Henry TAP OUT:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Even though it was Kool-Aid Man Mark Henry and not the Mark Henry that charged for air, ADR forcing the World's Strongest Man to tap out is a good way to gain Actual Momentum.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">That's three out of three Rumble winners who looked good coming out of the last Raw before the PPV. But, what happens if you're not on the go-home show?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2010 WINNER: EDGE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Well, uh, I guess you win the Rumble too.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Edge took time off before the 2010 Royal Rumble to grow a beard recover from an injury, so he wasn't on the Raw before the Rumble. Instead, he was the most recent guy to store-up months of WWE 2K14 finishers in order to return and immediately win. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2009 WINNER: RANDY ORTON</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hm, I think I remember Orton going into the Royal Rumble strong… what did he do again? Did he win a match or something? I can't remember. Oh, that's right, HE DID THIS:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In addition to turning Vince McMahon's entire brain into a bruise, Orton also won a six-man Over The Top Rope challenge. I'm not too sure what else he could've done to look better going into the Rumble, short of sodomizing the Tag Team Champions.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2008 WINNER: JOHN CENA</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm pretty sure John Cena wasn't even supposed to be healthy for WrestleMania, and yet he recovered faster than John Cena in a John Cena match to return and win the 2008 Royal Rumble (without a sweet beard, though). </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2007 WINNER: THE UNDERTAKER</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Undertaker's Royal Rumble go-home moment came on SmackDown and it was the most literal "I'm going to win the Royal Rumble" moment, aside from John Cena's literally literal "I'm going to win the Royal Rumble" moment:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Taker shows up and throws everybody over the top rope and poses to end the show. Sometimes Michael Cole screams "COULD THIS BE WHAT IT'LL BE LIKE AT (insert PPV here) KING?!?!" at the end of go-home Raws. This time it was <i>just what it was like</i>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2006 WINNER: REY MYSTERIO</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Mysterio looked strong coming out of the final SmackDown before the Royal Rumble:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Oh… uh. HUH. IT'S THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE, OKAY?!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2005 WINNER: BATISTA</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">AH, now this is more like it:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Batista beats the Tag Team Champions, La Resistance in a handicap match to qualify for the Rumble by spinebustering one onto the other. Then he proceeds to stick the Quebec flag up Sylvan Grenier's ass. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yep. It happened. Batista went into the Rumble by sodomizing the Tag Team Champions.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2004 WINNER: NO RUMBLE THIS YEAR NOPE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sooooooooo that about does it. Wrestling Momentum becomes Actual Momentum on the final Raws and SmackDowns prior to the Royal Rumble. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Some things to look for tonight in predicting Sunday's Rumble winner: anyone who stands tall, wins a match or penetrates an opponent with a provincial flag.</span></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-30889079008097505032014-01-15T18:06:00.000-05:002014-01-16T16:04:42.863-05:00RAW IS DVR'D 01/13/14: UNFOLLOW THE BUZZARDS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">YES.</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm back after going Old School and abandoning my blog for an extended period of time again. Since I've only done two of these reviews, lemme explain why it will be 95,000 insufferable words in length.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">RAW IS DVR'D is a Raw review that helps point out what parts of the show to watch, and what parts have The Miz in it so you can fast-forward right through those. Because sometimes you don't want to spend three hours watching Raw, but you also don't want to accidentally skip over someone's Dad getting punched in the front row, y'know?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> IS DVR'D</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">JANUARY 13TH, 2014</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CREEPY WYATT VIDEO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE's best new character in YEARS (I want to say like… ten years? Seriously. Who has been a better character than Bray Wyatt over that period of time? Not a wrestler, not even a promo. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGDBR2L5kzI" target="_blank">Not a game</a>. Just straight up character?) starts the show with a short, sweet and creepy recap of what's been going on with the Wyatts and Daniel Bryan.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This video is concise and to the point and sets up a thing that should probably always start Monday Night Raw: WRESTLING. YAY.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE USOS V. BRAY WYATT & DANIEL BRYAN: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm always rattled when Raw starts with wrestling, because it makes so much goddamn sense. Let's continue to do that. Stuff that makes sense.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">To further talk about Bray Wyatt being the best new wrestling character in years, I love how the Wyatts, all four of them including Bryan, have the Undertaker's voodoo body-teleport powers. I like to think that they can move like FAST ZOMBIES in the dark. Better yet, <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/1up8vj/my_absurd_daniel_bryan_and_bray_wyatt_time_travel/" target="_blank">Bray and Bryan are still using a time machine that they had in NXT</a>. (Read that. Go read that.)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, I just rewatched the 2011 Royal Rumble (and the 2012, and the 2013, and the 2010, and the 2009, and the 2001, and the) and let me tell you, Husky Harris was good, but he is a hot pile of catshit compared to Bray Wyatt. The difference is astonishing. It's like the difference between Michael McGuillicutty and never mind just kidding.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match was short, but still good. The Usos come out of it looking BADASS, escaping a 4-on-2 beatdown and even chucking Bray's favourite TV watchin' chair around. Bray and Bryan work well together. Maybe it's because their names share so many letters. The post-match stuff with Bryan giving himself over to Bray, while the crowd, desperate for D-Bry to turn on the Wyatts, chant for him… all so, so good. I hope they draw this out until the Rumble.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Perfect start to the show. I could use more Usos/Wyatts. In the near future, maybe tonight even. Nah, they wouldn't do that…</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">JOHN CENA IN ACTION NEXT: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Wait, did they accidentally start Raw from page 9 of the script?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DID YOU KNOW - WWE NETWORK: <i>…WATCH?</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When the WWE Network debuts on February 24th, you'll be able to watch every Pay Per View event ever produced from ECW, WCW and WWE.</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hey, some actually useful Did You Know? information! This literally is info that some people may actually not know <i>and</i> actually <i>want</i> to know! There's zero WWE circle jerking going on. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I wish in small print at the bottom they snuck in</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">"did you know that Raw is viewed by more females 19-40 than duck dynasty, dads, canadian lacrosse games and the news??"</span></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DAMIEN SANDOW V. JOHN CENA: <i>…WATCH?</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I had every reason to assume that with the losing/sucking-in-general streak Damien Sandow has been on that a match against Cena might kill him. I half expected the feed to cut out at the start of the match and cut back in five seconds with <a href="http://makegif.com/gql7.gif" target="_blank">John Cena's arm raised</a> over a Damien Sandow-shaped puddle.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">BUT, this match was surprisingly pretty great. The crowd, even more surprisingly, were buying that Sandow <i>could beat John Cena</i>. This is coming shortly after a replay they showed where Sandow couldn't beat Cena by sneak attacking him, giving him an injured arm, leg, head, shoulder, knees & toes with the WWE Title on the line. Not only that, but Sandow's spent the better part of the last few months losing to Great Khali and participating in comedy matches with Dolph Ziggler (who is a whole other story, jesus). This proves what Cena can do in the ring (partial credit to Sandow, but really, Cena is the one that is making Sandow look strong here).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Taking all of this into consideration really lends merit into Cena's wacky nearfall faces. Even <i>he</i> thought the match would be over in seconds.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cena wins after a good showing from Sandow, who hopefully can use this to make him seem like more of a Damien Sandow type than a "Barry Horowitz but condescending" type. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So far I like how Raw is going. Nights like this should happen way more often. Guys like Cena taking on guys like Sandow. Guys like the Wyatts taking on guys like the Usos. Essentially, don't have the guys who are feuding with each other ALWAYS FIGHT EACH OTHER. This way we get to see guys wrestle and show what they can do, without everything ending in 50/50 booking shitty finishes. Of course I'm saying this two matches in, so… maybe I should wait for the other shoe to drop.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, how weird does a John Cena match feel <i>second</i> on Raw?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And hey, Cena's dad is here! Haven't seen him since he got punted by Randy Orton</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">oh I see what's going on here</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - CM PUNK & THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS V. THE SHIELD: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Can CM Punk stop hanging out with noted drug users and friends of Triple H already?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - WWE NETWORK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The only negative thing about the WWE Network I can think of is it's going to rob me of what would've been a fun <a href="https://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam/status/412716998141825024" target="_blank">PPV review format</a> - <a href="https://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam/status/412717977385959424" target="_blank">ah well</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ROYAL RUMBLE COMMERCIAL: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I never got a chance to talk about how great this was, but more importantly, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6qj2yQewZs" target="_blank">how great the bloopers are</a>. Endearing as FUCK.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK TWEETS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Uh-huh, uh-huh I get it, all kinds of news people love the WWE Net-- wait, Chilli from TLC? That's your FOURTH BEST QUOTE?!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK RECAP: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This blew my tiny mind. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I was so ready for the WWE Network, a year or so ago, to be a comical failure of a cable network. WWE On Demand and WWE 24/7 prior to this had failed at being something completely worthwhile and must-have, so for them to try it on an even larger scale as an actual network (that would assumedly house other non-wrestling shows and be more of a "style" channel or whatever) was an XFL-like disaster waiting to happen. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">THIS on the other hand, is a fucking shocker to me. It's as forward-thinking the WWE has been in forever - maybe since the first WrestleMania. It's even more shocking considering how bad it was expected to be from the start. I'm so glad they realized how fucking stupid it'd be to get into the cable TV business when everyone's watching it slowly sink. Instead, we get WWE Netflix. It's the dream.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I mean, it's the dream if you don't care about your actual life and are prepared to throw it all away into an eternity of scrolling through a lifetime's amount of wrestling to watch. I give myself three months before I'm walking nude through a supermarket in a fugue state.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK COUNTDOWN CLOCK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE Network: Millenium Man</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This is a commercial I don't mind seeing over and over again. This shit is fucking BONKERS.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KANE & BRAD MADDOX BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Here, it's revealed that the show started from the middle tonight because Kane is running the show and he's a demented fire demon who doesn't know what he's doing.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">While there's no real need to watch this segment, and while I did enjoy Maddox's "Some start to the show, there's chaos!" when the show has so far featured two good matches and no bullshit, it does accomplish a few things:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Maddox and Kane's struggle for who is 5th? 6th? in charge of the show</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- we're reminded that Kane keeps his gnarly mask in a glass case and takes it with him wherever he goes</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- they announce a STEEL CAGE rematch between the Usos and Bryan/Bray tonight</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Well there you go. The opening match was good so let's just make it the main event too.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then they hold on Kane's derpy smile for what seems like an eternity, or, the length of a Kane match.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> RECAP - BROCK V. SHOW: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">For being a monstrous BEAST, Lesnar manages to go cartwheeling across the ring often as hell.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BIG SHOW V. JACK SWAGGER: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">FIRED UP Big Show is my least favourite Big Show. Close second is Crying, Method Acting Big Show, close third is "Funny" Big Show, close fourth is Wrestling Big Show.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hearing the Real Americans' music made me get HYPE for seeing Cesaro lift Big Show, but I'll take Swagger. In fact, the Real Americans get better and better by the week. First: Cesaro is the best wrestler in the WWE not named Daniel Bryan. Second: Swagger is underrated for sure, and doing a billion times better than he has over the past few years where he was wallowing in the midcard with no real purpose or direction. Third, Zeb Coulter's protest signs have been a hilarious addition to the gimmick, and could spark people bringing their own soon. Fourth: as I've been writing this, Big Show beat Swagger in seconds. GODDAMNIT</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The post-match was, to put it lightly, fucking terrible. Without counting Smackdown (which I haven't caught up on since being back), here's how I understand the Lesnar/Show feud:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Mark Henry attacks Brock Lesnar</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Brock Lesnar defends himself and beats up Mark Henry</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Mark Henry attacks Brock Lesnar</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Brock Lesnar defends himself and beats up Mark Henry</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Big Show decides he is friends with Mark Henry after never being friends with Mark Henry and attacks Brock Lesnar</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Big Show beats Jack Swagger without resistance in seconds, intimidates Zeb Coulter, grabs him in the butthole region, makes him plead for his life, knocks him out and mocks AMERICA (okay not really but hey)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">How is this good for anybody? Big Show looks NO TOUGHER by beating Swagger, and then without provocation, punching out an old man. It just makes Big Show an easy target for a Paul Heyman promo that makes complete sense, which SHOULDN'T, because, y'know, <i>he's the bad guy.</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">What an enormous cunt.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">UP NEXT - NEW AGE OUTLAWS & CM PUNK V. THE SHIELD: FF</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In our "match that happened on Smackdown but will happen again on Raw because idunno" match of the week.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">NEW AGE OUTLAWS & CM PUNK V. THE SHIELD: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Maybe fast-forward the entrance. Although, you know what, it was better than last week when Road Dogg introduced CM Punk as a man who needs no introduction, but then proceeded to give him one that included the phrase "drop pipebombs on all your moms". (You're right, he didn't need an introduction).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In other news, this THE SHIELD match is fun as hell, largely thanks to Roman "2014" Reigns. He gets a sweet pop when he's finally tagged in, nails an EPIC apron dropkick on Punk (THIS ISN'T PWG ROMAN, HOLY FUCK - with the Superman Punch, the Better Than Edge's Spear Spear and now this, he's gonna have the most indy moveset in a group that includes Dean Ambrose and Tyler Black, wow.), and <a href="http://i.imgur.com/xOQnmaB.gif" target="_blank">doles out a crotch chop</a> to both DX Uncles.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">You're nuts if you don't think Roman Reigns will have a HUGE Royal Rumble match.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And THANK YOU to the Outlaws. It all makes sense that they'd turn on Punk. Kind… of? Not really. I mean, they should've never been hanging out together in the first place. At least they're assumedly now where they're supposed to be, suckling at the cerebral teat of Triple H.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In other news, I like how they've managed to slow burn the Shield's apparently imminent breakup. It's reasonable to think that they might have some hiccups hear or there to plant the seeds of a breakup, and not to just be like one week they bumped into each other and the next week they're hurling each other through three separate barber shop windows. I'm constantly stunned by how well they've booked The Shield since they debuted. If they debuted literally three years prior, they'd be a joke by now. Hopefully they continue to handle all three of them (and not just Roman) like that when the break up does happen.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Honourable mention to Seth Rollins' apparent role in the group, which is Hilarious Heel Advice From The Apron Guy: "don't forget about that eye!" and "pull his beard!" have been hits with me so far. His role is also <a href="http://i.imgur.com/qZc9RV3.gif" target="_blank">doing this</a> from time to time.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WYATTS BACKSTAGE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"run"</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> (in a hilarious whisper) might be the best underused catchphrase going right now. Especially when coupled with Bray popping into frame in gleeful surprise.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DID YOU KNOW - WWE NETWORK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When you subscribe to the WWE Network, you will get every WWE Pay Per View, starting with WrestleMania XXX for just $9.99 per month! with 6 month commitment</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Well, it <i>is</i> still information I'd like to know but you did <i>just</i> say this stuff on commentary but okay okay it's cool, we're cool.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, that little "6 month commitment text". Ha. You and I both know I've had a 288 month commitment thus far and there's nothing I can do to prevent myself from pulling my wallet apart and turning it upside down into a big burlap sack that says "WWE" on it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">FUNKADACTYLS V. AJ LEE & TAMINA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">NXT's Emma is in the crowd for this match and is shown for precisely one second. Interesting introduction. Oh, and also, it's not just for this match - she's still waving her sign (and arms?) around during the Orton/Kofi match, which is pretty funny. Maybe it wasn't planned and she just bought a ticket to the show and isn't being all "wrestler" about it by sitting in the front row and pointing at her ticket. EMMA HAS A RIGHT TO BE HERE KING.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, this match has far too much Cameron in it, which might be the reason people forget that Naomi is pretty good. Cameron's failed rollup-turned vagina-takedown attempt was valiant though.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm not sure who first started the bit where you grab your downed opponent's hand and mock their tag attempt, but AJ does a hilarious job at it. Kevin Steen remains my #1.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RANDY ORTON BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Randy Orton urgently looking for the bathroom WAIT nope, The Authority, sorry.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT: STEEL CAGE REMATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I can get behind the booking psychology of "hey that match was pretty good let's see it again… in a STEEL CAGE"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">HALL OF FAME 2014 FIRST INDUCTEE?: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">neat</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KANE & ORTON BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Good god there's a lot of non-in-ring stuff going on here. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">We cut to Kane idly snapchatting a pic of his dong to Vince before Orton busts in to demand something something (my brain kind of goes into energy-conserving mode when Orton speaks) until Kane gives him a match with Kofi Kingston, and suddenly my 2009 is itching.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Kane's backstage segments need more red mood lighting. Or at the very least segments where he's tinkering with the lights, trying to make them redder.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK MEDIA QUOTES: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm glad that IGN also thought that the Network was one thing the WWE can <i>actually</i> call revolutionary. Maybe I'm out of touch (hey I just got this ipad device it's like a google without the mouse!1 its got candy crush), but I was impressed as fuck with what they did. Combining streaming content with a live program schedule is pretty brilliant and something I'd never heard of before. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I guess Apple TV has been doing it, but it's pretty nuts that the WWE, the thing that is always like ten years minimum behind whatever is going on in the world (whether it's fashion (80's wrestling looks like 70's real life, 90's wrestling looks like 80's real life, etc) or jokes (pretty sure WWE made a "pants on the ground" American Idol joke embarrassingly late) legitimately introduced me to a new technological advancement in how people truly will watch TV/view content in the future, and it's not Tout.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2014 HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE - THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I look forward to everything about this.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I've loved the Ultimate Warrior since I was a little Warrior in kindergarten. Well, actually I was a little Big Boss Man (what were his fans called? Parole Officers? I dunno) as I was him for Halloween in Sr. K. But I loved the Warrior and as a child who watched the WWF, who didn't? </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Even when he returned in '96 I thought he was awesome. I came home from school doing my best Warrior impression for my parents, who I'm sure at that moment were slowly reaching for the phone to speed dial the family doctor. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And even now, I love how hilarious he is as a real person. I want to take this time to list all of the things you need to watch as a grown up little Warrior, such as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHJmcPp_fpg" target="_blank">this</a>, or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InLZ_uvzD4A" target="_blank">this</a>, or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpoaC_XHVSY" target="_blank">this</a>, or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbjNNrO8CeM" target="_blank">this</a>, or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3CDDu4AYSg" target="_blank">this</a>, or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9eKIOXDOy8" target="_blank">this</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RENEE YOUNG WITH PAUL HEYMAN: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">EAT. SLEEP. DELIVER A REALLY GOOD PROMO LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO, TO THE POINT WHERE I WANT TO SAY HOW GOOD IT IS, BUT IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING IT WAS GOOD SO I'LL JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT. HIT ON RENEE. REPEAT.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RANDY ORTON V. KOFI KINGSTON: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WOOF.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match unfortunately hit that spot of Raw where you start to feel burnt out on a three hour show. We're like, what just over halfway through? The match wasn't… terrible… just, kinda boring. JBL actually used the line "Kofi just won't die. Maybe he should" and I took it as "please end this 12 minute marathon".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It's tough when you give the crowd Wyatts/Usos, Cena/Sandow (which cut a mean pace) and a Shield match and then hit them with the Show/Swagger fiasco, a Divas match and this mental test of strength. I'd love to rewatch this match and count how many chinlocks and stomps Orton used, but I'd also like to retain my will to live.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I spent most of this match trying to predict Kofi's "false Rumble elimination spot". Top candidates for me:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- he gets thrown out and lands on his back but his feet are in the air. He then has to shimmy around until he gets to the steps and climbs up</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- he's thrown out and lands on the steps, then an eliminated wrestler gets mad and throws up toward the floor but he latches on to the barricade. Said wrestler then pushes him off, but the fans catch him and bodysurf him back to the ring</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Spirit Squad are a surprise entrant in the Rumble only so Kofi can use their mini trampoline when he's thrown out, only to spring back in one motion</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Kofi saws off his own feet so he can never be eliminated, tragically dies of blood loss</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Kofi ends up winning this match, which started in 2009. He later threw paint on Randy's racecar.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ORTON'S POST MATCH TANTRUM: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">SPEAKING OF 2009</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Orton flips out because he lost to Kofi Kingston and Cena could barely beat Damien Sandow - he's worried for the Royal Rumble buyrate, rite/???! /dirtsheetjoke</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">He then pops off on John Cena's dad who is in the front row, which brings John Cena out, utilizing the SPEED WADDLE. Cena also showed his concern by half saying the f-word twice.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">All in all, not too bad. Although it does seem shoehorned in. Orton's attacked Cena Sr. before, and this match was supposed to be more about the title (one of the "most anticipated rematches in WWE history", right?) than how much these two guys hate each other, but, here we are. Cena's off riding in the ambulance with his dad, still shirtless with his underwear sticking out (he's the male Lita).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BRHODES V. RYBAXEL: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Neither of those are real words.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match was mostly decent, but nothing crazy or anything. A few things, though:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">1. I wish Jim Johnston spent more than ten seconds on the Goldust/Cody Rhodes theme mashup. That could've been SWEET - two of the best themes ever.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">2. Ryback getting Goldberg chants couldn't make less sense at this point. At first, yeah, maybe - he was doing a streak thing and squashing guys and not saying much. Sure. Goldberg. But now he's teaming with a dweeb and losing all the time, acting a fool on Twitter and doing all kinds of non-Goldberg like stuff. The crowd may as well be chanting SALVATORE SINCERE at him.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">3. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/1tyufk/idea_on_how_to_make_rybaxel_relevant/" target="_blank">This fantasy booking of Rybaxel</a> is WAY BETTER than this or any other Rybaxel match, so just spend the duration of this match reading it instead.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">REY WALKING BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Man, remember when Batista turned on Rey and ripped his head off? That RULED. Oh hey:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BATISTA RETROSPECTIVE VIDEO: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This video neglects everything from Big Dave's heel run, and suddenly I realize how little I am looking forward to babyface Batista. He saved up all of this WICKED heel shit for two months of John Cena matches basically and then he was gone. Now he's coming back and we're going to have to pretend that that didn't happen, aren't we? GODDAMNIT</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, #StillHungry - did not realize him being hungry was a thing we knew. He quit, how could he be hungry? Stupid face batista goddamnit</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">REY MYSTERIO V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">There's a lot of fast-forwarding going on here. This Raw started off so promising, and then I went and jinxed it and we're getting 17 flashback matches. This one takes us to 2010.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The only thing worth checking out from this match is Rey's entrance, where he hands his hood off to a kid, and the dad hugs his kid like BOTH of their dreams came true</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, that's not entirely true - ADR goes flying through the ropes in the corner at one point and pinballs off the ringpost and onto the steel steps. That was pretty sweet. We also seem to learn that the 619 is losing its power. Here, Del Rio gets right up after a 619 to stop Rey on the top, and a few weeks ago (last week? My brain is losing its power) Erick Rowan no sold it completely. I'd love a storyline where Rey's called out for slowing down at his age and his moves just don't have the same effect - for someone his size, what makes his offense work is how fast he is.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, Del Rio wins, I assume to look strong for when Batista immediately eliminates him from the Rumble.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And hey, ADR, Mysterio is not Batista's friend… BUT HE WAS SPOSEDA BE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> TONIGHT - STEEL CAGE REMATCH: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ROUND TWO LET'S GO YEAHHF</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK TWEETS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">More tweets yeahhf</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK ANNOUNCEMENT RECAP: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">okay c'mon now</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">They're really putting my "I could watch this over and over" comment to a test here. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But in all honesty, seeing it this many times still fills my pants with pee. Although, I could've gone with not being reminded of Triple H and HBK's worst possible Abbott and Costello routine that occurred at the Network launch thing. "Legends never die, they just get better" was said way too near Hunter and Shawn arguing for seventeen minutes about whether there was an S at the end of Monday Night War or not.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE NETWORK COUNTDOWN CLOCK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But seriously, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4xIy1rlJKs" target="_blank">JUST HOOK IT TO MY VEEEEINNNSS</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CM PUNK & KANE BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">CM Punk is informed he's been entered in the Rumble by the Authority. He also takes this time to call Road Dogg and Billy Gunn Triple H's cronies, weeks after teaming with them and hanging out with them and stuff.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">USOS PRE-MATCH PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WOW they edited this thing fast. This is worth checking out if you want to learn how to say two very specific sentences in Samoan.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THIS FRIDAY - NEW AGE OUTLAWS V. BRHODES: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WOW they got a shot at the tag champs for being Triple H's cronies fast.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS AT RINGSIDE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">hey football</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">EARLIER TONIGHT - ORTON TANTRUM: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">can we just</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MAIN EVENT STEEL CAGE MATCH - BRAY WYATT & DANIEL BRYAN V. THE USOS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">THANK YOU</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If there is one thing you should watch from this show, it's this. Sorry it took me 200,000 paragraphs to tell you that.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">There was so much to like here it's not even fun to write about. Everybody was great - from Bray Wyatt laying a kiss on one Uso and taking a superkick from the other, Harper and Rowan playing catch the Uso on the outside, to Bray's maniacal evil genius laughter at the end of the match.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Oh and hey, y'know, that whole part where Daniel Bryan came to his senses and beat the ever-loving piss out of the Wyatts.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And as much as I wish they'd held off till the Rumble or even next week for this type of thing, this entire moment gave me goosebumps. How INSANE was that crowd? It just further shows (as if you even need to be shown any further) how OVER Bryan is, when the crowd was dead as fuck for an Orton match, a Mysterio match, etc. and he lights the whole building up just by staring at Bray Wyatt. Beautiful.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Jim Ross likened the entire moment - the way Bryan had the entire arena in the palm of his hand - <a href="https://twitter.com/JRsBBQ/status/422944770323791872" target="_blank">to Stone Cold Steve Austin</a>. Holy fucking shit. It was incredible.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Not to mention that Bryan was main eventing Raw with three guys who, aside from huge multi-man tag matches, to my recollection, have never main evented Raw before.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm so glad that this storyline wasn't about Bryan "punking" the Wyatts the whole time. I'd read a bunch of theories on why he'd finally caved and joined the Wyatt family, and that was my least favourite one. It makes so much more sense for him to persevere and break out of Bray Wyatt's voodoo spell, because it allows Bryan to overcome something <i>and</i> it gives power to Bray. If Bryan was just tricking him all along, everybody just looks stupid - Bryan for doing it and Bray for falling for it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Now, for the "ruh-roh" part of all of this - I'm sure you've heard by now, but there's rumours that Bryan suffered a concussion last night, believed to be serious. I'd still consider it a rumour so far, since WWE hasn't mentioned it, and the only people bringing it up are dirtsheets saying they received word from a WWE spokesperson, so this could easily be somebody working them anyway. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Before I go, I gotta share what was a pretty sweet observation from /u/IamHappiness on Wreddit (<a href="http://reddit.com/r/squaredcircle" target="_blank">/r/SquaredCircle</a>), that points out some similarities between <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/1v6jjq/similarities_between_daniel_bryan_storyline_and/" target="_blank">the Bryan/Wyatts storyline and the Sting/nWo storyline from 1997</a>. And while I'm at it, you should be lurking Wreddit everyday like me, so you can see amazing stuff like <a href="http://i.imgur.com/1joTF3D.jpg" target="_blank">this</a> or <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/1v8r5g/a_young_undertaker_almost_dunking_a_basketball/" target="_blank">this</a> or <a href="http://i.imgur.com/ka7BKFq.jpg" target="_blank">this</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">That's all for this week. I'll leave you guys with a few videos WWE posted for the recently passed Mae Young. Just try not to have your heart warmed by the Cerebral Assassin in the second video. RIP.</span><br />
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pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-13254213170524096212013-12-29T03:04:00.000-05:002013-12-29T03:04:26.065-05:00HEY, PIZZABODY SLAM'S BACK! ... AAAAAAAND HE'S GONE<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But this time I won't be gone for two years or whatever, honest!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I definitely hated restarting my blog after such a long hiatus, only to abandon it again for a month - BUT, it's because I had to go to China and Australia (because my job is insane) so at least there's that. I'll be back in a couple weeks, just in time for the Royal Rumble (which will definitely end <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3E5FHsxoYOjhxGSHeCpRmxlPUcwv4Ak8vq3E0DD5PEG97UnV9o8Fq8yWxiNqDeByhh-ERuenAukCk-WRsbk4qbWTG8V3QM7NCxFv_ye-yNZ1tjOjmDJS11HEysK9oRFYqdJ6rWD_HGAkn/s1600/DSC01078.JPG" target="_blank">like this</a>).</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For now, I'll leave you with this:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know why, but I wish that everywhere I went Vince McMahon would describe my every move with that exact horny enthusiasm.</span>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-16394334587778747382013-12-11T18:29:00.000-05:002013-12-11T18:29:51.093-05:00RAW IS DVR'D 12/09/13 - PIZZABODY SLAMMY EDITION: ASCENSION CERE-MONEY AM I RITE<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I can't believe it's going to take me several hundred paragraphs of Slammy recap to get to that final <strike>segment</strike> Ascension Ceremony. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Every feud now needs an Ascension Ceremony. Brodus Clay v. Xavier Woods for the right to use the Funkasaurus gimmick? Put the Funkadactyls and the track suit and a CD of Ernest Miller's theme music on that fancy new belt hanger, and have them shake hands while it all ascends to the rafters, and a bunch of other jobbers stand around and solemnly applaud.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Welcome to my second-ever RAW IS DVR'D. The format is simple: I let you know what to fast-forward and what to watch, in case you taped the show and don't want to hear The Miz's voice even once.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Before we get started, maybe give <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.ca/2013/12/raw-is-dvrd-120213-undefined-wwe.html" target="_blank">last week's review</a> a read, and check out my post on <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.ca/2013/12/and-slammy-for-guy-who-constantly-is-up.html" target="_blank">Triple H and the Slammys</a>. Now, onto me typing the word Slammy ten thousand times. SLAMMY SLAMMY TWERK SLAMMY</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> IS DVR'D: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMY</span> EDITION</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR4DkUv5Lr3Z64k4Ir0ilNYGxvQRCGgLHcVGjQs1RsGb1rA7j2uZJxOsy7FNOniwVhXk9Eu7GIa7fTdVc2NtiSypHaDbRSNtFNQiEaLgDVOYaPvDxnmJrGV4v_Gfv8A5WKJec9RLGIKP0/s1600/RAW_1072_Photo_181.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR4DkUv5Lr3Z64k4Ir0ilNYGxvQRCGgLHcVGjQs1RsGb1rA7j2uZJxOsy7FNOniwVhXk9Eu7GIa7fTdVc2NtiSypHaDbRSNtFNQiEaLgDVOYaPvDxnmJrGV4v_Gfv8A5WKJec9RLGIKP0/s400/RAW_1072_Photo_181.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DECEMBER 9TH, 2013</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SLAMMY INTRO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I've gone back and forth on the Slammys. At times, I've thought they are terrible and not as fun/hilarious as they used to be (between <a href="http://makegif.com/go5M.gif" target="_blank">Rick Rude accepting the Jesse The Body Award</a> and Owen Hart doing anything, how could any future Slammy Award show be anywhere near as good?). But I've also decided that I still have a bizarre love for them.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">No amount of Dennis Miller forgetting wrestlers' names or unfunny Jerry Lawler/Booker T award show banter seems to change my excitement for the Slammys each year. This probably has more to do with the hypnosis WWE performed on me as a young boy and less to do with the Slammys actually being good, but hey look, everyone dressed up! The Slammys are neat!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The intro itself is partly hilarious, advertising wrestlers who will appear on the award show, as if John Cena and Randy Orton wouldn't be here anyway. <i>Wow, how did they get Shawn Michaels to make an appearance? What an event.</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But the best part is who they highlight. The first four names mentioned: Cena, Orton, Punk, Bryan. Seems obvious, but it also sets up the end of the show nicely.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">HOW TO INSTALL THE WWE APP: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Have you ever used a phone? Who are we kidding, you're a wrestling fan. You need constant life instructions.</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DANIEL BRYAN V. FANDANGO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm gonna give the <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMY</span></b> for Shocker Of The Night to the WWE for actually starting the Slammy Awards with a wrestling match. I expected at least ten minutes of Jerry Lawler trying to work the word "twerk" into a Slammy presentation. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Instead, they decided to set the crowd on goddamn fire with small-town Washington-born internet nerd twitter geek Daniel Bryan (a fire that would burn for three straight hours, plus overrun, plus <a href="http://youtu.be/Qs6J8669_UY?t=38s" target="_blank">post-show Spinarooni</a> <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/" target="_blank">(/r/squaredcircle</a> shoutout for that video). I was certain that Bryan's crowd reaction meant he'd be losing to Fandango and get continually embarrassed throughout the night, like they always seem to do with hometown guys on Raw (Punk in Chicago, JR in Oklahoma, etc). BOY WAS I WRONG.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match was fun as all get out, largely thanks to the crowd tearing their lungs apart in cheering for Daniel Bryan. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Half a <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMY</span></b> to these lazy Fandango-ers:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WYATT FAMILY ON THE TRON: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Is there a better gimmick turnaround out there than Husky Harris to Bray Wyatt? Even if Michael McGuillicutty got his hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin's knee braces and Space-Jam-stole his charisma, he still couldn't touch Bray Wyatt abducting the body of Husky Harris as a vessel for Satan's message. He delivers the kind of promos that make the Undertaker look like Jumpin' Jeff Farmer in eye liner.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I hope Bray Wyatt uses non-violent resistance against Bryan at TLC and lets Rowan and Harper do all the heavy lifting. It's so crazy that there's an unbelievable amount of potential for this feud, but Bryan has bigger things coming for WrestleMania (I hope).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Booker T: "Jerry, Have you ever laughed out loud?"</span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Lawler: "How about constantly throughout an entire three hour broadcast of this very show?"</span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Booker T: "lol"</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">NEW AGE OUTLAWS PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR THE LOL MOMENT OF THE YEAR: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Here, the guys from TNA do a joke that was apparently done already in TNA and make fun of Billy Gunn's ability to speak.</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The nominees are:</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- woman gets fired</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- man barfs</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Santino</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- football in groin</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Rock plays guitar</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>WINNER</b>: The Rock, for making fun of Vickie Guerrero in a parody song that requires him, according to the parody song itself, to be dating Vickie Guerrero to make fun of her. He says BIOTCH (not even just straight up bitch) to UPROARIOUS CHEERS. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Rock is not there to accept the award. lol?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The best part of this entire segment occurred only on Twitter, <a href="http://www.uproxx.com/sports/2013/12/best-worst-wwe-raw-12913-slammy-awards-brandon-grows/2/" target="_blank">between Brandon Stroud and The Rock('s social media handlers)</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SANTINO MARELLA V. DAMIEN SANDOW: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm actually impressed that there's been two matches inside a half hour of a Slammys show, even if this one isn't crazy good or anything. It's highlights include Big E. Langston on commentary again, not giving a single polite fuck about Sandow, Santino taking a leg sweep bump directly onto his eyebrows, and Big E making Sandow flinch after the match (I would've preferred if one of his enormous pecs reached out of his shirt and slapped Sandow in the face).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">While I do enjoy his super-humble-athlete-in-post-game-interview demeanour, he should totally inject the personality found in <a href="http://instagram.com/bigelangston" target="_blank">his Instagram videos</a> into his on-air character. He only has two up right now, but hopefully he'll upload three more because I NEED FIVE.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE SHIELD PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR THE DOUBLE-CROSS OF THE YEAR: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The Shield walk out in ALL BLACK SUITS and earn a <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMY</span></b> for getting their third set of clothes since debuting (1. Burglar Outfit, 2. Big Boss Man's Work Warehouse Factory Outlet Attire, 3. <a href="http://www.celebitchy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/wenn20181508.jpg" target="_blank">The Kim Kardashian Special</a>).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, if you want to start ranking superstars' laughs in some kind of order, Bray Wyatt is first by a country mile, and somewhere in a distant second is Seth Rollins' "ha ha ha" cackle.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And, if you want to start showing dissension between Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, can we <i>not</i> make it about "who gets to read out the winner of the Slammy award we're presenting"? At LEAST have a Dissension Ceremony for The Shield, please.</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And the nominees are:</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Mark Henry cries, namedrops his children, in order to murder John Cena</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Shawn Michaels (almost) kicks Daniel Bryan to turn on him at Hell In A Cell (can someone get me a running tally of how many "reluctant" pitfalls Shawn Michaels has counted?)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Paul Heyman turns on CM Punk, busting his frigging head open at Money In The Bank</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Triple H turns on Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam, with Michael Cole screaming <a href="http://youtu.be/DMUq9x1AsgU?t=2m58s" target="_blank">OH MY GOD OH MY GOD</a> in the most hilarious voice and deserves to retroactively win the LOL Moment Of The Year.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>WINNER</b>: Shawn Michaels</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">HBK accepts the award to a mixed reaction, which he plays off in kind of a douchey way. <i>"Thank you home-state of guy I double-crossed for this very award, I love you!"</i> Normally, I really like retired Shawn Michaels, but that was weird. I wonder why he's being so shitty…</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KOFI KINGSTON V. THE MIZ: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Here's what you missed: Kofi Kingston tries to wrestle The Miz, who after two moves goes "Kofi Kingston eh? No thanks! I'm too shitty. byeeeee" and goes to peace out. Kofi drags him back in and gets rolled up. Miz makes some Liar Liar era Jim Carrey faces and Kofi kicks him in the head and leaves. Miraculously a handshake is never offered by either of them.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">EVE TORRES PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR DIVA OF THE YEAR: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Around this time, Zack Ryder tweets "<a href="https://twitter.com/ZackRyder/status/410223792737116161" target="_blank">Eve Torres… ugh</a>" which makes everyone else go "oh yeah, that Zack Ryder/Eve Torres/Kane feud… ugh". I wish I could cut together a video of Kane dragging Zack Ryder under the ring to "hell" that would then cut to him being dropped behind the WWEShop.com merch table where he's hawking everyone's goods but his with a sad dad goatee.</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And the nominees are:</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Bella Twins (two divas)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Funkadactyls (two divas)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Kaitlyn (held the Divas Title for 153 days in 2013)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Natalya (friend of Great Khali)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Eva Marie (um)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- AJ Lee (current Divas Champion, 175 days and counting)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>WINNER(S)</b>: The Bella Twins</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The Bellas winning should've started a whole new poll, where fans vote if they like the hippie one or the one that has the boobs and butt and lips that distract John Cena from fishing.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">REY MYSTERIO, BIG SHOW & BRHODES V. THE REAL AMERICANS & (SIGH) RYBAXEL: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I LOVE when there's so many good wrestlers on Raw (Curtis Axel you're only included because your shittiness is outweighed by everybody else being good) that they have to cram an eight-man tag in the show somewhere, and it goes from zero to sixty in no time.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But I HATE that a commercial robbed us of even five seconds of Cesaro/Mysterio. And, uh-- </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">stop doing that</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But seriously, I'm VERY into the idea of Toni juggling Rey around like a leather bowling pin.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Lastly, I love when jobbers like Axel get hit with a six-finisher combo for the win. He was probably done after the Disaster Kick, but Mysterio decided to blast him with everything he's got before pinning him. Super fun match.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">HOW TO INSTALL THE WWE APP: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">First, take your phone. No, that's the remote control. Nope, that's an old Subway wrapper. Your phone is the thing you use to Tout Triple H catchphrases. Yeah, there you go.</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Presenters for the presenters. As redundant as me telling you how awesome this next part was.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SHAWN MICHAELS PRESENTS THE <strike>SLAMMY FOR SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR </strike>HBSHIZZLE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">HBK is back and it seems that he's only able to speak in his goofy uncle talking to his four year old nephew voice. Why are you so annoying? HBShizzle? That's not even your full nickname + a word that you think is hip but is sincerely just gibberish. It's just gibberish. Shawn hasn't lost his smile so much as he left the part of his brain that likes wrestling at home.</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And the nominees are:</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Brock Lesnar (for the constant murder of Triple H and CM Punk)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- CM Punk (for the constant murder of Paul Heyman)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Big Show (forrrrrrr…)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Daniel Bryan (for YES YES YESYYESYYHGS)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Randy Orton (for a bunch of Wade Barrett matches and then winning the WWE Title)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- John Cena (for being John Cena)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>WINNER</b>: <strike>John Cena</strike> Daniel Bryan what</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">That was genuinely unexpected. With Cena and Orton about to unify the World Titles at TLC, I thought by WWE logic it had to go to one of them. Is this the first time they've treated a hometown guy well on Raw? I feel like anytime Raw is in Chicago Punk gets buttfucked.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Daniel Bryan is the fucking man (says the internet blogger but STAY WITH ME). He's able to reference his history with HBK in two ways in one sentence, while Shawn is off making faces and pretending to care. Did retiring to film a hunting show turn you into a d-bag or what? JESUS. WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SIN CARA V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">There wasn't anything wrong with this match, but it was kind of just there (and it was kind of just there last week too). In fact, check it out if you want to see Del Rio suffer himself a concussion by getting sunset-flip powerbombed from the top rope. I felt slightly sick watching it, but he was suited up and watching the Ascension Ceremony by the end of the show with eyes that either said "i am concussed" or "I just lost to Sin Cara clean two weeks in a row what the actual fuck".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS PRESENT THE FAN PARTICIPATION SLAMMY AWARD: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If only for the hilarious cross-section of fans we saw doing the Millions of Dollars dance:</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And the nominees are:</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Fandango for Fandangoing</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Daniel Bryan for YESYESYESing</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- John Cena for high voice / low voice</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- R-Truth for his five year old rap song</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>WINNER</b>: Daniel Bryan's YES YES YES</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a href="https://twitter.com/TheRock/status/410223632024350720" target="_blank">Meanwhile on Twitter</a>, The Rock thanks everyone for the Slammy and casually mentions that he loves entertaining the people <i>almost as much</i> as he loves pussy. So there's that.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BRODUS CLAY V. XAVIER WOODS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Worth watching because it's about twelve seconds long and includes Brodus powerbombing Woods completely out of his body. Brodus also gets MAD and attempts to turn Xavier into a fine paste before Sweet-T, former mist-spitting claw-handed monster, becomes the voice of reason.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Brodus also does sarcastic dinosaur hands, which is my favourite new taunt.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE MIZ PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR INSULT OF THE YEAR: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Mostly because my feed cut out between Miz saying "welp" and Stephanie McMahon coming out to accept her award.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">AJ's Pipebomb(shell) was the best thing on here, but I'm okay with anybody smacking Big Show around screaming "YA GONNA CRY HUH". It was as if Big Show came to Stephanie McMahon at the WWE offices in Stamford and was like "I can cry on command" and Steph grabs a trash pail and is all "ya gonna cry, huh? Gonna get wet? Huh? he's gonna HE'S GONNA HEEE'S GONNA"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CM PUNK V. DEAN AMBROSE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When the wrestling is good, so much less has to be said about it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Punk sells his ribs like a <i>(google ribs salesmen joke to put here)</i>. The story of Ambrose wanting to take Punk by himself, yet still confronting the rest of The Shield for not helping him is great, even if I hate that their Dissension Ceremony is right around the corner.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Thankfully, they're still a unit for now. But I suspect it won't be long until we get Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins bitching about Roman Reigns while he's conveniently listening in around the corner.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyways, fun match. Also, CM Punk didn't poop anywhere.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TRIBUTE VIDEO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">OBVIOUSLY. Anything that remotely acknowledges history gives me a nostalgia boner. They could play a video of when Seth Green guest hosted Raw and I'd still be like <i>"hey remember that? ha neat"</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Here, The King reminds us all of how he died live on air that one time! EXTREME! In the literal sense!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MICK FOLEY PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Mick Foley: "Hello my brain is now functioning at -23% because of so many of these extreme moments here is are your extreme moment nominees for extreme moment of the day today"</span></i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And the nominees are…</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Shield kill the Deadman dead, who wasn't particularly bothered by it:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Ryback spearing Cena through the light wall to end the Last Man Standing match in a draw (to this day neither man has yet to stand)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- CM Punk kendos the hell out of Paul Heyman</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Wyatt's kidnap Kane to deprogram him back into regular clothes Kane</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>WINNER</b>: CM Punk</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Kendo sticks + Paul Heyman = extreme, so yeah. But kidnapping a monster after a ring of fire match to take him back to your backwoods cult hideout for several months IS WAY MORE EXTREME.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THE USOS V. ROWAN & HARPER: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Good GOD can this show stop having good wrestling already? I thought this was the Slammys!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">EASILY the best finish on the show, and this show featured Curtis Axel beating beaten to death by tiny Rey Mysterio. The double dive looked dangerous as fuck, and the rest of the match featured enough lariats and superkicks that I'll never need to watch another ROH match again. (The <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMY</span></b> for hyperbole of the year goes to me).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ghgjsadsjd</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BRET HART PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR MATCH OF THE YEAR: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Man, Bret is looking a little too much like Stu for my liking. At least he presented this Slammy with flair and pizazz. Ahem.</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And the nominees are…</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Undertaker vs. CM Punk, WrestleMania 29 (I preferred Punk/Cena, Raw)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Brhodes vs. The Shield, Battleground (either this one or, if it's eligible, Shield v. Team Hell No/Ryback, TLC)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar, Extreme Rules (I preferred Punk/Lesnar, SummerSlam)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- The Rock vs. John Cena, WrestleMania 29 (I preferred Cena/Bryan, SummerSlam)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">but that's just me being an internet whatever so here we go:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>WINNER</b>: John Cena vs. The Rock, WrestleMania 29</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cena should've won this, <i>almost</i> for sure. Just not for this match. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It was a toss up between Cena/Bryan and Punk/Lesnar for me, but hey, how can anything top a Once In A Lifetime Match: <i>Get Ready For The Sequel</i> match? To be fair, I've only watched Cena/Rock II once (in my lifetime), so maybe it's better than I remember. I mostly remember being stuck in a time loop where Cena and Rock are switching from Rock Bottom to AA to Rock Bottom and back again until I smack the side of my TV and they carry on with the match.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">NATALYA V. TAMINA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">wait hold on a sec.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">YOUR MAIN EVENT - NATALYA V. TAMINA: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">There we go. First Divas match to main event Raw since Trish/Lita from however many years ago?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Anyway, Natalya hugging Bret Hart was touching, if only because I imagined myself hugging Bret Hart and telling him it'll all be okay. Natalya wins, even with Tamina clobbering her all over the place (Natalya was whipped into the corner and suspended in mid air before falling down like Wile E. Coyote noticing he's run off a cliff, at least twice). </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">After the match, she paid tribute to Owen, I'm assuming because he was the only wrestler to ever give a REAL SHIT about the Slammys.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CHAMPIONSHIP ASCENSION CEREMONY: <i>WATCH. REWIND. WATCH AGAIN. OPEN MOUTH KISS YOUR TV.</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Is there any way I can call this moment "Breaking Bad's Ozymandias but for WWE" without sounding like a huge wiener? No? OKAY GREAT</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WOW. There are too many things to even mention about what happened here and what I liked (hint: I liked everything). That segment accomplished <i>*counts on fingers*</i> a BILLION different things, and whether any of them come to fruition in the near future or not, they are still seeds planted that will always be available to harvest into a big ass Charlie Brown GREAT WRESTLING PUMPKIN.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The first thing I loved about the Ascension Ceremony (besides it being called an Ascension Ceremony), was that normally these segments where guys hit a bunch of finishers to seem "chaotic", are done without any purpose whatsoever. It's just one finisher after another. It's still crazy and chaotic, but last night was six months (longer, in some cases) of storylines converging at once: Punk finally standing up to The Authority, Bryan getting revenge on HBK, the history between HHH/Orton/Stephanie being rekindled, Cena appearing to be with The Authority, a not-so-hard-to-imagine Best & Beard vs. DX match, Undertaker vs. Sting and so on. All it needed was Bret Hart sharpshooting HBK in the background somewhere with the ghost of my 11-year old self shedding a tear in the crowd. Even <a href="http://makegif.com/gos0.gif" target="_blank">Jack Swagger's hilarious face</a> while holding Orton gets an honourable <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMY</span></b>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The show ended with REAL questions that weren't just "who stood tall" "who <i>will</i> stand tall" "what does it mean that someone <i>stood tall</i>" or whatever. It doesn't mean that we'll get every answer on Sunday, or even by WrestleMania. It's just satisfying as FUCK to have a show end with the most logical clusterwhoops in recent memory that has infinite potential for the future.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cena did a great job of deflecting Bryan's cheers onto him. Even Orton brought it on the mic. Triple H was a real life dickhead about the Daniel Bryan chants and it was AWESOME (because, assumedly, he's drawing from real-life experience of being a dickhead).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">MOST IMPORTANTLY, this crowd. Every now and then a crowd like this comes along and makes wrestling feel like the best most important thing. And Bryan just standing there with <a href="http://makegif.com/gos3.gif" target="_blank">the goofiest grin in awe of the crowd</a> wins ten <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMYS</span></b> for Most Adorable Thing Of The Night. Everybody's said it, but Bryan Danielson was in a ring full of HALL OF FAMERS and REAL FACES OF THE WWE and was getting the kind of cheers that DERAILED THE ENTIRE SHOW. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It was like when a sports hero returns to his hometown for one more game and has to do like fifty different waves and mouth 500 "thank you" until the fans finally sit down so they can play the game.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Oh, and hey, about Shawn Michaels acting like a real wiener the whole show? I really can't tell how much of that and his "oh okay that's enough chanting for Daniel Bryan jeez" was on purpose, but it sure annoyed the hell out of me, so when Bryan kneed HBK it felt like Linda kicking Vince in the balls at WrestleMania X-7.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I gotta stop writing about this. I can't even really properly write about this. My keyboard is covered in spittle and smark slime.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">One last thing, regarding Cena potentially being with The Authority (which, I want to believe is possible, but wrestling logic dictates that foreshadowing works backwards, much like momentum works backwards [you win a match going into the PPV, you lose the PPV match]).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cena <i>never</i> shits on Triple H. He'll make vague remarks towards the powers that be or whatever, but never HHH directly. He's always saying he's the best performer and Orton is hiding behind him. Not that Triple H is a dick for protecting him, but that Orton's the dick for <i>being</i> protected. I think that's important. Even if it's just to hint that Cena could be with The Authority, and not that he actually is. It's to leave the door open.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm gonna wrap this up. I feel like this review is the length of a young adult novel and I still didn't get to say all I wanted to, but now I'm gassed and need to mail out these <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMYS</span></b>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">One last <b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #f1c232;">PIZZABODYSLAMMY</span></b> for <a href="http://i.imgur.com/uMdDVyn.jpg" target="_blank">speedo clad CM Punk rubbing up on Stephanie McMahon</a>. (Photo credit: <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/SquaredCircle/comments/1skf00/my_pics_from_raw_in_seattle/" target="_blank">/u/WorkFriendlyAcct from /r/squaredcircle</a>)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">See you next week.</span></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-80882591929113642112013-12-09T19:55:00.000-05:002013-12-09T23:32:54.219-05:00AND THE SLAMMY FOR GUY WHO CONSTANTLY IS UP FOR SLAMMYS HE DOESN'T DESERVE GOES TO… TRIPLE H!<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">GUYS. Let's calm down. We can all agree that Punk/Lesnar, Punk/Cena, Bryan/Cena, Cesaro/Anyone, <strike>Orton/Show</strike> were all better than HHH/Lesnar. But let's put Triple H's Slammy history into perspective.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">HHHe has a track record for sticking his nose in (lol because his nose rite) categories he has no business being in, dating all the way back to the 1996 Slammy's:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">1996 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnlaPt0hKfd-vcFtfvZEPO-FUdC7f5ovP1AaJjObk9yf95ELGtNHQihQgzQo6tIjKnrhgHqtZFarJYJIio0IZeU3mQE2zo-spfhK1w_y7KffFDm25Vbq5lln37t16496j_0O6DquZQSXI/s1600/eDRyZHM1MTI=_o_hunter-hearst-helmsley-vs-duke-the-dumpster-droese.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnlaPt0hKfd-vcFtfvZEPO-FUdC7f5ovP1AaJjObk9yf95ELGtNHQihQgzQo6tIjKnrhgHqtZFarJYJIio0IZeU3mQE2zo-spfhK1w_y7KffFDm25Vbq5lln37t16496j_0O6DquZQSXI/s400/eDRyZHM1MTI=_o_hunter-hearst-helmsley-vs-duke-the-dumpster-droese.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BEST THREADS</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Shawn Michaels</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Ted DiBiase</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Goldust</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Mr. Perfect</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Hunter Hearst Helmsley</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Shawn Michaels wins this category, as he should. He made sparkling, unzippable stripper chaps look cool to every 11 year old on the planet. HBK had the "best threads" because they were as cool as saying "threads" in reference to your clothes. I don't wear clothes man, no way, I wear threads! And fingerless gloves!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Ted DiBiase belongs here, for once wearing a suit made of glitter with a dollar sign on it, because that is what rich people wear. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Goldust absolutely belongs here because COME ON. He is a walking Slammy. Who doesn't' want to wear that wig and kickass robe and dunk their entire nude body in gold bodypaint? Right?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Mr. Perfect belongs here because this was around the time where he was on commentary, showing up in fresh ass suits.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hunter Hearst Helmsley DOES NOT BELONG HERE. If we're talking ring gear, how can you honestly tell me his white wrist tape and boring riding pants are cool <strike>clothes</strike> THREADS. His ring jacket is definitely one that Ric Flair picked up and was like EW NO THANK YOU and left near a pile booze and women that Triple H eventually found.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Okay, maybe his non-wrestling attire was pretty sweet. But still, he's no sparkly Shawn Michaels or sparkly Goldust or sparkly Ted DiBiase. SPARKLY.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In the same year, Hunter was up for FIVE more Slammys, including:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">1996 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyjFOxUYq0XrcdiW1HyQboPfhptc0AtpimehDV3WNlU4_aWOhjOD-MKSvoAaDbn67m3h53PsGRy4BYjygefe5ggqac8hGyqvxk09dHAJZZNjb3jEIUxUsdnkdYwFX9AKRFTHUTCMX11I/s1600/690586229.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyjFOxUYq0XrcdiW1HyQboPfhptc0AtpimehDV3WNlU4_aWOhjOD-MKSvoAaDbn67m3h53PsGRy4BYjygefe5ggqac8hGyqvxk09dHAJZZNjb3jEIUxUsdnkdYwFX9AKRFTHUTCMX11I/s400/690586229.jpg" width="306" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWF'S GREATEST HIT</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i><b>The Undertaker sucks Diesel into the abyss</b></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Diesel throwing Bret Hart through a table</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Jeff Jarrett smashes Ahmed Johnson with a guitar</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Yokozuna banzais two wrestlers at once</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Hunter Hearst Helmsley</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WOW, okay so obviously The Undertaker using his black magic to suck Big Daddy Cool into "the abyss" (how they confirmed that, I don't know) should win this category. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also in there is Diesel throwing Bret Hart through a table. This was before they realized they should take the monitors off the announce table before putting someone through it, because they act as big pointy table-shrapnel that dent your body permanently. This was a WWF Great Hit for sure.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Jeff Jarrett bashing a guitar over Ahmed Johnson's head is most definitely appropriate. Guitar shots can go horribly wrong and maybe, I don't know, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwEQ7bMpx-k" target="_blank">doom you to a life of drugs and depression</a>, or at the very least, <a href="http://www.wwe.com/videos/raw-santino-marellas-guitar-sends-a-message-to-potential-cyber-sunday-challenger-8396106" target="_blank">slice your entire face open</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And Yokozuna BANZAI-ing two wrestlers at once belongs without question. Yokozuna is in the ballpark of 600 pounds, which then would mean this is more like 3-4 people BANZAI-ing two people at once, which is way more people than were actually involved. Yokozuna's body is more deadly a weapon than a table or a guitar or Undertaker voodoo could ever be.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then there's Hunter Hearst Helmsley. That's it. Not "Hunter Hearst Helmsley hits Rocky Maivia with a chair" or "Hunter Hearst Helmsley throws Marlena down some stairs" or "Hunter Hearst Helmsley pulverizes the bones of Duke Droese in Duke Droese's Dumptruck". NOPE. Just "Hunter Hearst Helmsley". At least that's how Wikipedia shows it. I don't even want to go back and watch what he was actually up for.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">1996 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ssjCpf_fl6NcOvwcFpYt7JJeZVoiaA8py4qOr2GLgJkYbRo5yycIHbYmUW455dTwNI6QwVgTiGag1IVOLJPWdDz9s1yVs_wrK8IeaDHDfULfb9x4Uh2wGN9IM8c4eLvm9AyNo0prCVY/s1600/hhhhogpenjpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9ssjCpf_fl6NcOvwcFpYt7JJeZVoiaA8py4qOr2GLgJkYbRo5yycIHbYmUW455dTwNI6QwVgTiGag1IVOLJPWdDz9s1yVs_wrK8IeaDHDfULfb9x4Uh2wGN9IM8c4eLvm9AyNo0prCVY/s400/hhhhogpenjpg.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i><b>Jerry Lawler kisses his own foot</b></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Ted DiBiase gets slopped by Henry Godwinn</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Bodydonna Skip loses to previously winless Barry Horowitz</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>1-2-3 Kid dons a diaper</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Hunter Hearst Helmsley gets dropped into the hog pen</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It's funny to think that Triple H lost <i>anything</i> to "Jerry Lawler kisses his own foot". But there it is right there.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Ted DiBiase getting slopped by Henry Godwinn is pretty embarrassing. It's also kind of amazing that HOG is running around slopping people and chucking them in the hog pen, just filling up this category by himself. They all should've been Godwinn related. "In the future, Phineas runs nude through the ring as a recurring gimmick" would be a pretty embarrassing one.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Skip losing to Barry Horowitz is a HILARIOUS potential "most embarrassing moment". How the fuck is the next nominee not "being nominated for Most Embarrassing Moment for winning a match - Barry Horowitz"?! What's even funnier is that every other moment involves some kind of slop or diaper or weird foot kissing. This one is just "A GUY THAT SUCKS WON A MATCH". That is on par with wearing a diaper in public. Wow. Sorry, Barry.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then there's Hunter Hearst Helmsley getting dropped into the hog pen, in the hog pen match against Henry Godwinn. Kind of embarrassing, but come on, that was bound to happen in a Hog Pen Match. A better choice would've been "wrestling in a Hog Pen match and losing to the Ultimate Warrior in twenty seconds at WrestleMania because you wanted to hug your buds in the ring".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">1996 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a href="http://makegif.com/gokn"><img src="http://makegif.com/gokn.gif" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">US WEST MATCH OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon in a ladder match from SummerSlam '95</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Lawrence Taylor vs. Bam Bam Bigelow from WrestleMania XI</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Howard Finkel vs. Harvey Wippleman in a Tuxedo Match from Raw</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Bret Hart vs. Diesel from Survivor Series '95</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Henry Godwinn vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley in a Hog Pen Match from IYH #5</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Welp, this category sure is a shitshow, isn't it? Off the top of my head I can't name too many awesome 1995 WWF matches. This category basically has two joke matches, a match that featured a football player beating a wicked wrestler, and a Diesel match, so obviously there's only one winner.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Nevertheless, I'd still argue that if I spent five minutes looking around, I could find three better matches than Hunter vs. HOG in a Hog Pen Match. I mean, Owen Hart was around, COME ON.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">1996 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BEST HAIR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Hunter Hearst Helmsley</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Mankind</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Steve Austin</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Bret Hart</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Shawn Michaels</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hunter wins one! And this is probably the only won he should've won. In fact, IT DEFINITELY IS. Look at the nominees for fuck's sake.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Mankind PULLS HIS OWN HAIR OUT so even <i>he</i> doesn't like it. Steve Austin is bald, and I would probably still place him second, because Bret Hart's hair is 76% grease. And, okay, Shawn Michaels is up there too, but he has like 18 Slammys to his name. He was probably like "fuck it just give it to Hunter, his hair is kinda like mine".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">1996 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUZbsVkuELu6r5PhLvBa9V96jwcNryIsoPpqDCtYQNNseBBtzVn8ryxvMBKTKClEpp2PEO_WXRAshAzh3kqTSKCPAgyzT7Rkgo6nN2PKaWERDXNEHHD9oM-OlsNwH8NLbN_b7SSolBvXU/s1600/chynaandtripleh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUZbsVkuELu6r5PhLvBa9V96jwcNryIsoPpqDCtYQNNseBBtzVn8ryxvMBKTKClEpp2PEO_WXRAshAzh3kqTSKCPAgyzT7Rkgo6nN2PKaWERDXNEHHD9oM-OlsNwH8NLbN_b7SSolBvXU/s400/chynaandtripleh.jpg" width="322" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BEST COUPLE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i><b>Goldust and Marlena</b></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Marc Mero and Sable</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Bill and Hilary Clinton</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Siegfried and Roy</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Chyna and Triple H</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yep, that's right. Triple H is up for Couple Of The Year for 2013 with Stephanie McMahon, and has been previously nominated for that same category, but with Chyna. Think they'll bring that up tonight?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Goldust and Marlena take this category, and rightfully so. I mean, do you see any pics of Triple H and Chyna <a href="http://24.media.tumblr.com/d0e5058469e53f0bbe733c4cdd62130a/tumblr_mi8fpytvTA1qzx70zo1_1280.png" target="_blank">like this</a>? If you have, send them over here in a totally not weird way.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Marc Mero and Sable - great couple. This is before Marc got Marvellous and was trying to stop Sable from showing us 11 year old boys her boobs. At this point in time, he's just a Wild Man with a blonde lady in leather walking around with him, which in wrestling = normal couple.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Bill and Hilary Clinton - another great couple. Bill's matches are-- wait, what? We're including REAL LIFE NON-WRESTLING COUPLES?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Siegfried and Roy? Man, how the fuck can Triple H and Chyna be nominated if we're nominating real life couples? Are Siegfried and Roy actually a couple or is this just an opportunity for the WWF to point and go "lol gay!"?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So yeah. Chyna and Triple H up for Best Couple? NO THANK YOU. Especially when Jennifer Love Hewitt and Joey Lawrence are <a href="http://assets-s3.usmagazine.com/uploads/assets/photo_galleries/regular_galleries/2173-jennifer-love-hewitts-love-life/photos/1370386361_jennifer-love-hewitt-joey-lawrence-560.jpg" target="_blank">right there</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Now, because Triple H being up for six Slammy Awards forced the show to be cancelled for eleven years, we're jumping to 2008. Triple H is up for one award, because the WWE learned their goddamn lesson:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2008 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqBmczmINkUNTwUVcMEedqhzmm8SSVBuEwU_QrP3FEOKHANb7leVPepZ0z3fgsdBT1Hahw9EzplujBzKnkXViXzSrvSnq2th9dqQ1YQFwPfRfhPCEDZ0ByJgk_q6RtT7ZWFhzP3Lw4V-Y/s1600/63_WM24_03302008jg_3511.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqBmczmINkUNTwUVcMEedqhzmm8SSVBuEwU_QrP3FEOKHANb7leVPepZ0z3fgsdBT1Hahw9EzplujBzKnkXViXzSrvSnq2th9dqQ1YQFwPfRfhPCEDZ0ByJgk_q6RtT7ZWFhzP3Lw4V-Y/s400/63_WM24_03302008jg_3511.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Chris Jericho</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Batista</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Edge</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Jeff Hardy</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>John Cena</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Triple H</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This one is pretty clear cut. Chris Jericho dominated 2008 by being the Best In The World At What He Does, which is reinventing himself and becoming a better Chris Jericho all the time (until just after this precise exact period, damnit).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Batista feuded with Shawn Michaels and was the catalyst for turning Chris Jericho heel, which lead to the feud of the year between him and HBK. Big Dave also pinned John Cena clean at SummerSlam (one of like three people to beat Cena squeaky clean on PPV ever), and he also beat the red-hot Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship. He deserves to be nominated for sure.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In 2008, Edge headlined WrestleMania, beat The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Title at One Night Stand, which forced the Undertaker to leave the WWE, beat Batista on PPV, survived being sent to <i>literal hell</i> by the Undertaker, and won the WWE Title at Survivor Series. Goddamn.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Jeff Hardy's 2008 included him losing a WWE Title match to start the year, losing the Intercontinental Title to Chris Jericho, getting suspended for sixty days for a drug violation and therefore being dropped from the Money In The Bank ladder match at WrestleMania, getting left in a stairwell to die and then winning the WWE Championship at the end of the year. Hooray!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Then, there's John Cena. In 2008, he made a miraculous return from a pectoral injury, won the Royal Rumble, became a World Tag Team Champion, and won the World Heavyweight Championship. He also spent a lot of time on the shelf due to injuries, but any time he was around, he was winning stuff.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And how about Triple H? He Pedigreed Jeff Hardy right into suspension to win the Chamber match at No Way Out, lost to Randy Orton and Cena at WrestleMania, then spent the year padding his title stats by beating Orton at Backlash to tie The Rock for most WWE Title reigns. He then had matches with the Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov to round out the year before losing his WWE Title to the Charismatic Enabler Jeff Hardy.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So one WWE Title win and a year of trying his Triple Hest to get Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov over.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The amount Triple H beat Randy Orton that year is nuts though, especially because it eventually lead to the Home Invasion feud where Triple H beats him again. Hoo boy. Superstar of the Year!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2009 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP8FLld02y8o1I5H58RURNwee9NZJVdKiPSYmSqfA0xDMutcuywVQhYAmoRBU9QWf2dvZCHZY9LSxWfABFtqUkD5RnPZvfMBmeD_PgdpL6qniui8RX9VhjQTEEvMjJgn2cKQ5kGB61xs8/s1600/11376278.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP8FLld02y8o1I5H58RURNwee9NZJVdKiPSYmSqfA0xDMutcuywVQhYAmoRBU9QWf2dvZCHZY9LSxWfABFtqUkD5RnPZvfMBmeD_PgdpL6qniui8RX9VhjQTEEvMjJgn2cKQ5kGB61xs8/s400/11376278.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Jeri-Show (Chris Jericho and Big Show)</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Legacy (Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase)</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>The Hart Dynasty (David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd)</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels)</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yeah, this one makes no sense. DX reunited halfway through the year when Triple H got Shawn Michaels to leave his job as "a chef that occasionally superkicked children". DX feuded with Legacy, tried to beat John Cena in a triple threat match and failed, did comedy skits with Mike Tyson and Hornswoggle, and then finally beat Jeri-Show for the Tag Titles.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Meanwhile, Legacy and The Hart Dynasty are also nominated, when Miz & Morrison and Carlito & Primo held the tag belts for the first half of the year. Triple H and Shawn Michaels win them right before the Slammys and all of a sudden they're up for Tag Team Of The Year. NO TRIPLE H. NO.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I don't know if I can do another 300,000 words on how Triple H is the worst but here we go because he's up for ALL THE SLAMMYS:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2009 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://makegif.com/gokq"><img src="http://makegif.com/gokq.gif" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Jeff Hardy jumps from ladder onto CM Punk at SummerSlam</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Kofi Kingston lands a Boom Drop on Randy Orton through a table at MSG</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Big Show chokeslams John Cena into arena spotlight at Backlash</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Triple H invades Randy Orton's home</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So it's</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- guy does wrestling move</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- guy does wrestling move</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- guy does wrestling move</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- guy breaks into another wrestler's home and attempts to murder him</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This might actually be the one he most deserves. But If no one's around to chant E-C-DUB then is it actually extreme?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2010 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLhvfLZjLewsh4fjcQXMnGFJvuZJmULKuoyYYLiD-u08X8T60Ugk7lj881STj1yuRmmC2_Cq6gNh1ljpX9vKz_zhCuQThS8F2MLjj4wN5A3nQKsRYfTvz12AwzQ-ZQl3hpwoQYSDmS2mc/s1600/sheamusattackshhhjpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLhvfLZjLewsh4fjcQXMnGFJvuZJmULKuoyYYLiD-u08X8T60Ugk7lj881STj1yuRmmC2_Cq6gNh1ljpX9vKz_zhCuQThS8F2MLjj4wN5A3nQKsRYfTvz12AwzQ-ZQl3hpwoQYSDmS2mc/s400/sheamusattackshhhjpg.jpg" width="397" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MOMENT OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels in Michaels' final match</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Wade Barrett fires John Cena</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Sheamus attacks Triple H</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Chris Jericho vs. Edge at WrestleMania XXVI</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This was when they decided not to do "matches" and instead just do "moments" because I don't know, they hate us?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">OF FUCKING COURSE Sheamus attacking Triple H is WAY WORSE than Shawn Michaels' <i>entire retirement match</i> at WrestleMania. This whole category basically undermines the entire existence of wrestling, trying to put up "one guy attacking another guy", or worse, "one guy FIRING another guy", as being as important or good as ENTIRE WRESTLING MATCHES (y'know, the thing that wrestling IS).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Stupid fucking Triple H UGHJHBVHJG.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2011 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://makegif.com/gokr"><img src="http://makegif.com/gokr.gif" /></a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MOST REGRETTABLE ATTIRE OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Michael Cole as Triple H</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i></i><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, not nominated, but totally should have been: <a href="http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/triple-h-peed-his-pants.png" target="_blank">Triple H as Triple H</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2011 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">OMG MOMENT OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Triple H performs The Undertaker's Tombstone Piledriver on The Undertaker</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>The Rock gives John Cena a Rock Bottom at WrestleMania XXVII</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>WWE Superstars vote of no confidence and walkout on Triple H</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>CM Punk wins the WWE Championship at Money In The Bank and walks away</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">More vague "moment" awards, and Triple H is nominated TWICE. One of them is Triple H doing a wrestling move and the other is everyone realizing Triple H sucks and leaving him. OMG?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Triple H doing The Undertaker's finisher to him in an Undertaker WrestleMania match has to be the least OMG thing on there, and it won. How it isn't different moments from the CM Punk Money In The Bank title match, I don't know. Either way, Triple H is on here twice and won when he only belongs on here zero times goddamnit.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2012 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MATCH OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Hell in a Cell: The Undertaker vs. Triple H - WrestleMania XXVIII</b></span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Extreme Rules: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena - Extreme Rules</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Big Show vs. Sheamus - Hell In A Cell</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>The Rock vs. John Cena - WrestleMania XXVIII</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">YEP. COOL. GREAT.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Okay, now onto this year:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2013 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">COUPLE OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Triple H and Stephanie McMahon</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Fandango and Summer Rae</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Tyson Kidd and Natalya</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>John Cena and Nikki Bella</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Naomi and Jimmy Uso</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Incredibly, this category seems to be exclusive to those on Total Divas, except just kidding, Triple H is there. If this isn't a tie between the Bella Power Couples then I'll Pedigree myself.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2013 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">THIS IS AWESOME MOMENT OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Dolph Ziggler cashes in Money In The Bank on Alberto Del Rio</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Big Show knocks out Triple H on Raw</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Kofi Kingston saves himself from elimination by using JBL's chair at Royal Rumble</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Daniel Bryan wins his second WWE Championship from Randy Orton at Night of Champions</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">More moments of the year. Triple H is up for getting punched in the face. That… is awesome. Damnit, okay, maybe he belongs here too. Shit. But in the sense of "This-Is-Awe-Some" crowd chanting, it certainly belongs the least. They should have a guy in a TNA hoodie give this award out.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2013 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuf9SMjXBlD-vk4VynL9KfoTowIwxwhgJvV-8T9htrjVsPmmSeT3bS90sHm_qBwF4srem2hXv1WyFwlzVaIvkbSUe9-BpuMI0zy4U5cse-m71_GhMIIUKij-ysQl8KchvXK0jcCXf01sM/s1600/SS13_Photo_294.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuf9SMjXBlD-vk4VynL9KfoTowIwxwhgJvV-8T9htrjVsPmmSeT3bS90sHm_qBwF4srem2hXv1WyFwlzVaIvkbSUe9-BpuMI0zy4U5cse-m71_GhMIIUKij-ysQl8KchvXK0jcCXf01sM/s400/SS13_Photo_294.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DOUBLE CROSS OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Triple H turns on Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Shawn Michaels turns on Daniel Bryan at Hell In A Cell</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Mark Henry turns on John Cena during his retirement</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Paul Heyman turns on CM Punk at MITB</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">GODDAMNIT. Triple H ruins so many things he's even ruining this blog. He definitely deserves to be in this one, even if the best double cross is obviously when Mark Henry cried just to betray sappy-ass John Cena. That was a masterpiece and I want to hang a gif of it in my den.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But the point of this blog was to point out how Triple H has never really been up for a Slammy he deserved. I wish there was another category he was up for this year, in which he shouldn't even be considered for oh wait that's right i found it right here:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">2013 SLAMMY AWARDS</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg49HfoqV7IL58v7L3MR6mRxKWlqb7w1rSB_Pnr9OPBbLDVNEOPEIdlJl_v4C9bv_pYFj3zvkX4Fpik_HUhVMxlMHo_S9EjDhMZxB3eMi1RCd0hKyxKlzOIhRPrj0-6WtN5nxO_LKPPrWQ/s1600/ER13_Photo_179.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg49HfoqV7IL58v7L3MR6mRxKWlqb7w1rSB_Pnr9OPBbLDVNEOPEIdlJl_v4C9bv_pYFj3zvkX4Fpik_HUhVMxlMHo_S9EjDhMZxB3eMi1RCd0hKyxKlzOIhRPrj0-6WtN5nxO_LKPPrWQ/s400/ER13_Photo_179.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MATCH OF THE YEAR</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Undertaker vs. CM Punk - WrestleMania XXIV</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>John Cena vs. The Rock - WrestleMania XXIV</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs. The Shield - Battleground</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>Steel Cage: Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar - Extreme Rules</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Quick, name four better matches than Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. Was this even the best HHH/Lesnar match of the three? I can't remember because they were all boring and made me delete the contents of my brain.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Triple H, it took you until this year to be up for a Slammy that wasn't for Best Hair that you deserved. And now you've shaved your head so you can't even win that. Stop ruining such prestigious annual (except for that 11 year gap) traditions such as The Slammy Awards. And stop ruining my blog about you ruining things.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, stop ruining wrestling.</span></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-6751660576547913842013-12-05T16:34:00.000-05:002013-12-05T16:34:29.125-05:00DVD REVIEW: WWE'S GREATEST RIVALRIES - JOHN CENA VS. RANDY ORTON<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hey guys this is trey from wrestlenewzone.tripod.com filling in for pizzaboyslam for a dvd review of the Wwe greatest rivalries: john cena verse randy rton dvd. thanks pizza for having me now lets get right down to it</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbq2OmHPD07Lwt1Ed7DpQb_CDRaPhyA6BKeHN8rvSZ3B51TCFNRAzjASBdFUt5Vtt_asMzkl-Of61Ws9S_VyAD3ADu8HSUwX-Z0ocybBQbVx1l81KgGQ4ScoxUwlQDsXokwXYJMtVo0ds/s1600/greatestrivalriesortoncena.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbq2OmHPD07Lwt1Ed7DpQb_CDRaPhyA6BKeHN8rvSZ3B51TCFNRAzjASBdFUt5Vtt_asMzkl-Of61Ws9S_VyAD3ADu8HSUwX-Z0ocybBQbVx1l81KgGQ4ScoxUwlQDsXokwXYJMtVo0ds/s400/greatestrivalriesortoncena.jpg" width="337" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">first i wanna say that for a long time wrestling fan like me (trey) its cool to see how these legends got into the biz, for example it was cool to see how john cena used to wrestle for smackdown. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">great match listing to, with great matches like john cena vs. randy orton from raw and john cena vs. randy orton frmo a different raw all great matches. ***3/4</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Edit</b>: Okay, I'm going to have to take over from here. Trey is new here and I'll need to work with him on some (most) things. Thanks Trey for giving it a shot - everyone hit up his tripod site, I think he's just finding out about Twitter but I'm sure he has a Tout, so look him up there.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, I'm impressed that the WWE is taking this Orton/Cena TLC match so seriously that they made a Greatest Rivalries DVD in time for the PPV. It's 102 discs (these guys have faced each other a lot) so I might not get through the whole thing, but here we go:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DISC ONE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/nVeih_Gqakc" width="420"></iframe></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">PROTOTYPE VS. RANDY ORTON - OVW, 2002</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This, I believe, is their first ever match. It is (you guessed it) NOT GOOD.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Unbelievably, the interview before the match reveals that John Cena has always been combining goofy impressions and references with maniacal screaming in his promos. Also, Randy Orton calls Jim Cornette "Jimmy" a number of times.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">John Cena's entrance music is Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song. The match gets a small boring chant. Cena takes a DDT and comedy sells it by getting up and falling back down again. Jim Cornette is constantly mentioning Nidia on commentary, which is a weird turn of events where for once the announcers can't stop talking about a diva during a John Cena match.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This was bad. But it'll get better. On to the sit down interview.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghep2nqz1wY2hwv3ww3D4OTAS6y4QKjb3mgdPTyY-I2l4v5-xKUmO612gfWpcJj_8QklM_FqHtb2G_SwQSyM-b0vfvIEeS9TtOasygsGp32xNUCaL43mjYAa0E6pXyhM1304A9VIgIrlY/s1600/greatestrivalriesinterview.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghep2nqz1wY2hwv3ww3D4OTAS6y4QKjb3mgdPTyY-I2l4v5-xKUmO612gfWpcJj_8QklM_FqHtb2G_SwQSyM-b0vfvIEeS9TtOasygsGp32xNUCaL43mjYAa0E6pXyhM1304A9VIgIrlY/s400/greatestrivalriesinterview.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lots of giggling and bad jokes from Cena and Cole who talk about how great of friends they are. Orton idly tugs at his pants, as if he's never seen them before. They touch on how fun wrestling is when you're always the champ and the best, then they all share a bizarre knowing laugh. This is too weird, I'm gonna skip a few discs ahead.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DISC TWELVE</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CENA/ORTON BACKSTAGE - BACKLASH, 2007</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are a ton of promos on this set. This one highlights how John Cena thinks Randy Orton is gay, and Ron Simmons shows up to really hammer it home. Wait, there has to be better promos on here. Okay what about this one: John Cena and Randy Orton are friends, PROOF!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This DVD set is the worst. Let me flip through the match listing real quick.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">OVW, 2002</span></i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena (Prototype) def. Randy Orton</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw, Nov. 13th, 2005</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE Champion John Cena def. Randy Orton</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw, Feb. 19th, 2007</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE & World Tag Team Champion John Cena def. Randy Orton</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw, May 7th, 2007</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE Champion John Cena fought Randy Orton to a no contest</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">SummerSlam, Aug. 26th, 2007</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE Champion John Cena def. Randy Orton</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Unforgiven, Sept. 16th, 2007</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Randy Orton def. WWE Champion John Cena via DQ</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">No Way Out, Feb. 17th, 2008</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena def. WWE Champion Randy Orton via DQ</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw, Feb. 18th, 2008</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena def. WWE Champion Randy Orton</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw, May 12th, 2008</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Randy Orton def. John Cena</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">SummerSlam, Aug. 23rd, 2009</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE Champion Randy Orton def. John Cena</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Breaking Point, Sept. 13th, 2009</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena def. WWE Champion Randy Orton (I Quit Match)</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw, Sept. 28th, 2009</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE Champion John Cena fought Randy Orton to a no contest (Gauntlet Match)</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hell In A Cell, Oct. 4th, 2009</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Randy Orton def. WWE Champion John Cena</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Bragging Rights, Oct. 25th, 2009</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena defeated WWE Champion Randy Orton (Iron Man Match)</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw Slammy Awards, Dec. 14th, 2009</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena def. Randy Orton (Superstar of the Year Tournament Finals)</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Raw, Sept. 13th, 2010</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Randy Orton def. John Cena (Tables Match)</span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">TLC, Dec. 15th, 2013</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WWE World Heavyweight Champion John Cena def. WWE Champion Randy Orton (TLC Match)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">My god there's a lot of matches. And these are just their one on one stuff. There's a good 50-50 discs of triple threat and tag team matches. AND this one lists Cena as already winning the TLC match, WOW they're lazy.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Just looking at this ridiculous list makes it pretty obvious why the Unification Match has received a ton of criticism from fans. These two have been involved with one another A LOT, almost always with the WWE Title in the picture (and Triple H, but that's a whole other fake DVD set). It's been eight REAL years of Cena and Orton hovering around the WWE Championship. I really didn't need to make this up to illustrate why Orton vs. Cena for both World Titles to determine who is the Best Guy Ever But Not As Good As Triple H is not a thing anybody wants to see or get behind or even chant Dan-iel-Bry-An at.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I hate that I paid 499.99 for this stupid pile of crap.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I should've just left this to Trey.</span></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-55395508760720668132013-12-04T16:05:00.000-05:002013-12-04T16:05:02.935-05:00RAW IS DVR'D 12/02/13: THE UNDEFINED WWE CHAMPIONSHIP<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Weirdly, Alicia Fox's slip-up from however long ago actually makes sense here. Huh.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hello and welcome to another new format for Raw reviews that I'll be trying out and abandoning in a matter of weeks. I've gone from Like/Dislike to WOO/BOO to Thursday RAW Thursday to closing my eyes and covering my ears for two years and now to RAW IS DVR'D.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'll be honest. I rarely watch Raw live. Whether I'm busy or I don't want to watch 34 Bowflex commercials, I prefer to record it and watch it later. This can easily lead to fast forwarding the hot garbage and watching only the good stuff, which certainly preserves my sanity, but also coddles me in a bubble where only my favourite wrestlers exist in the WWE and the show is an hour long. Actually that's amazing.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But, when you fast-forward Raw, you can easily miss something unexpectedly great, or at the very least, something accidentally hilarious.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So, I've taken it upon myself to watch the whole thing, all 3 hours plus overrun worth (only as long as two feature length films, a real breeze!), to give you a weekly segment-by-segment guide of what to fast-forward, what to watch, and why.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">RAW</span> IS DVR'D</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DECEMBER 2ND, 2013</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">PUNK RESPONDS TO THE SHIELD'S ATTACK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This is a weird one to kick off with. I like The Shield. I like CM Punk. I even have a demented soft spot for Real Hair, Not Wrestling Kane. And I especially have a soft spot for Stephanie McMahon mentioning her Thanksgiving so my brain can picture what that was like (I imagine Vince carves the turkey shirtless while Triple H is too drunk to spit out his "stuffing" jokes. Shane McMahon is holding his head in his hands).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But I am on the fence for this 3-on-1 match. Basically what happened, if you missed it (or are fast-forwarding it like a good reader), Punk comes out and accuses Triple H of sending the Shield out to wrestling-move him to death because he made one snarky comment towards The Authority. This brings Stephanie McMahon out to be all "whaaaaat…. noo waaay u guys" and Punk isn't buying it. Kane then DOOs his way out and plunks Punk in a 3-on-1 handicap match against The Shield at TLC, because somebody decided to put the guy who has at least three kayfabe murders to his credit in charge of making decisions.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Somewhere during all this, Punk challenges Kane, saying something along the lines of "why don't I knock you OUT and if you don't like that I'll knock you OUT and if you're not down with that you can get knocked OUT by me". The Shield were also there for a second but don't attack anybody. See why you should fast-forward this? </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">At least it's only one 3-on-1 match. It's not like this PPV is "WWE 3-ON-1 MATCH" haha right? It's TLC. So there's that. Good. Good.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Jerry Lawler, talking about the WWE and World Title match at TLC: "We've never seen anything like this before!"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I guess there's never been anything like naming an Undisputed World Championship via mobile app before, okay I'll give you that Jerry. And good job <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihczF88YjYs&feature=youtu.be&t=1m38s" target="_blank">saying your words this time</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">#1 CONTENDER'S MATCH FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - DAMIEN SANDOW V. DOLPH ZIGGLER: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match isn't anything special, but it does include:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Damien Sandow's screams in the ring <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVbuilfKty8" target="_blank">that sound just like the bad guy from Commando</a> (sorry for the artistic liberties that YouTuber took).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Big E. Langston's $500 The Rock shirt on commentary (and if you haven't seen his Instagram… <a href="http://instagram.com/p/hQjy-qCoLY/" target="_blank">SEE HIS INSTAGRAM</a>)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- Sandow doing a second rope moonsault onto his own forehead</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">- An ad for The Slammy's, which always inserts an image of Owen Hart winning/stealing Slammys in my head (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5l4rK72-cI" target="_blank">WOO I DID IT AGAIN</a>) with Jerry Lawler quietly backing every hilarious thing he does up on commentary. Then I remember The Slammys aren't these Slammys anymore and instead they suck and sometimes involve Dennis Miller forgetting wrestler's names. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sandow wins with a soft-ass full nelson slam, and I shed a butt-shaking tear for Dolph Ziggler.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ORTON V. CENA STATS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Did You Know that Randy Orton and John Cena have won titles??</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BELLAS/NATALYA V. AJ, TAMINA, SUMMER RAE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">AJ spends the majority of the match skipping around the ring, gets tagged in and loses, then continues skipping because even she doesn't care about this match.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It's not that I don't like the Divas. In fact, there's been some awesome shit happening since I've been gone. But everything I've seen since I've been back has been the kind of stuff that makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out with a spork. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Only watch this if you want to hear <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5T94w7P8lI&t=1m31s" target="_blank">Natalya's brown note victory cry</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The good news is there is some GOLDEN Summer Rae shit coming up.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The bad news is...</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BAD NEWS BARRETT PT. 1: <i>FF</i>? <i>WATCH</i>? I… UH...</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I genuinely don't know what to tell you. You kind of need to watch it to see for yourself. This, to me, is on par with the time the Hurricane popped up in a bubble during someone's entrance and said his HILARIOUS (read: not hilarious) catchphrase.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">You can tell they're hoping this catches on with people tweeting things and hashtagging #BadNewsBarrett and that is (wait for it) BAD NEWS, BARRETT HAHAAaaaa because it's you're career and life we're talking about.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">They really are just throwing anything at Bad News Barrett, aren't they? Part-time barber? Bare knuckle brawler? "Open For Business"? How about we just try and trick people into thinking he's Michael Cole for a second and they'll boo?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'm surprised they didn't just put him in a big Bear costume, call him Bad News Bear, the Bear Knuckle Brawler who also disapproves of your life choices. They would've been better off getting an actual bear to do this because (ladies and gentlemen I have some obvious #news) Wade Barrett fucking sucks.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">ORTON & MADDOX BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Randy Orton says he's more popular than John Cena, which offends Jerry Lawler to his core.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I voted for Lumberjack Match.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">DANIEL BRYAN V. ERICK ROWAN + BRAY WYATT PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Okay, I'm still figuring out the format for this review, but if I could indicate in any way that you should watch this, this is me doing it. Maybe instead of just "watch" it should be "record to VHS and keep under your pillow", because this was SWEET.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It should come as no surprise that the internet blogger likes the Daniel Bryan match but yes (yes yes) I certainly did. It was everything I want out of my WWE wrestling. A match with a clean finish that makes both guys look like big bearded studs, and then all the wacky (awesome) storyline stuff happens after. This is the kind of thing that happens in the FF Bubble. You lose all the Michael Strahan hip tosses and gain all the American Dragon running corner dropkicks! JOIN ME.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Bray Wyatt appearing on the tron to give orders and monologue the fuck out of Bryan reminded me of the kind of stuff they would do in 1998/99. In a good way. Like it wasn't Ministry Undertaker but it almost was. Scratch that, it was way better.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This has the potential to be awesome though. Even though my dream Daniel Bryan moment involves him kneeing John Cena's brain out of his skull at WrestleMania, if he were to become some kind of sleeper agent at the hands of Bray Wyatt's backwoods voodoo Lion's Den where his fragile anger management mind is deprogrammed and reprogrammed, creating some kind of insane bearded monster that tears people limb from limb, I'm cool with that too.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And I'm glad we have a new group of guys who can do the Undertaker "now ya see me oops where'd i go" lights out trick.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KANE & DANIEL BRYAN BACKSTAGE: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This could've been so much better, but Kane does tiny YES fingers and gloats about his weird new job to someone who does not care. He also makes a second 3-on-1 match for TLC, and I begin to think Kane is trying to make the 3-on-1 match to him what the Tag TEAM Match, playa is to Teddy Long.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">TRUTH & CONSEQUENCES V. TONS OF FUNK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The only Xavier Woods thing you need to see <a href="http://www.wwe.com/videos/playlists/raw-december-2-2013-exclusives" target="_blank">happened on WWE.com</a>, so fast-forward this and watch that. Maybe watch this for Brodus Clay using dismissive "whatever" dinosaur hands as a taunt.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The Randy Orton Title and The John Cena Title were not options, surprisingly.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><strike>SIN CARA</strike> HUNICO V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">So, can we just get to the point where anyone can be Sin Cara? Like, next week Rob Van Dam can just come out to point and fall down in Sin Caras gear, with the announcers not batting an eye. Maybe Undertaker can make his return under the Sin Cara mask to get back up to ring speed.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Hunico is a good Sin Cara, especially when the job of Sin Cara is to flawlessly run up the ropes with an eye mask on and the lights turned off. And I liked how they were forced to combine Del Rio's and Sin Cara's ring decoration requests. They need more guys like that. Give a guy a gardener gimmick where he demands the ring be covered in sod. Give Wade Barrett the Bear suit gimmick and have a river he can eat fish out of at ringside.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Oh, Del Rio loses clean to Hunico in the role of Sin Cara here. So… yeah.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CENA/ORTON 2007 FLASHBACK - ORTON PUNT'S CENA'S FATHER: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This is 100% worthwhile if you want to see John Cena's dad develop CTE.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CENA/RENEE BACKSTAGE PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Worth watching for Renee Young and the John Cena Impression Hour.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If you missed it (or are fast-forwarding like a bad reader), Cena talks about the significance of his unification match at TLC, and what it means to carry on the history of the two titles.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Cena then launches into Hogan and Flair impressions, referencing the lineage of the two championships (which technically were combined into the Undisputed WWE Title that Randy Orton holds, but you already knew that). It's hilarious, though, to talk about this in the context of unifying the WWF and WCW World Titles… but pretend that that never happened before. I'd much prefer if his promo went like:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Renee</b>: John, if you become the Undisputed Unified Champion, what's that going to mean to you?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Cena</b>: Undisputed Unified Champion, think about that. Think of the tradition along with the World Heavyweight Championship. Think of the meaning and importance of the WWE Championship. Which one stands taller? That debates been going on f<strike>or over half a century</strike> since 2002 when Triple H was given the World Heavyweight Championship.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Y'know, years ago, if you lived in the <strike>South</strike> world, you would <strike>walk that aisle</strike> walk alone in a pit of danger and realize the World Heavyweight Championship meant <strike>everything</strike> slightly more than the Intercontinental Title and less than the WWE Title.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And if you lived in the <strike>North</strike> world, you <strike>knew exactly what you were gonna do, brother</strike><i> (does John Cena impression) </i>and the WWE Championship meant the most, like it does right now.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">People <strike>still argue to this day which championship stands taller</strike> have come to a universal consensus that the WWE Title stands taller (everyone also decided that standing tall is the most important thing a thing can do).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I say it is time for change. I have been a WWE Champion, I <strike>am proud</strike> feel indifferent to be a World Heavyweight Champion. But now there is only one <strike>WWE</strike> global wrestling company that people pay attention to. Only one one <strike>big, loud, exciting, crazy WWE Universe</strike> group of people that we've hypnotized into liking wrestling and trapped for life that goes north, south, east, west, around the world and back again. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And I think they deserve <strike>one champion</strike> me to be the only guy with a title. And to be <strike>that champion</strike> the only guy that matters, you ask what it would mean to me? Everything.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SHIELD SELFIE PROMO: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Worth it for Seth Rollins' goofy deliver of "muay thai nonsense, get outta here!". </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BIG BRHODES V. THE SHIELD: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Man, you do not need to read six paragraphs on how The Shield and the Brothers Rhodes are great but here they come. Fuck me. There is not even anything particularly life-changing about this match. The Shield have had countless matches like these this past year that are just fun-ass six-man tags. Remember how I said Rowan/Bryan was exactly what I wanted out of my wrestling? SAMESIES OVER HERE.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Big Show is always at his best in matches where there's 6-15 other guys involved that he can chuck around before napping on the apron. He is always at his worst when emoting or pretending to have a concussion or ruining the ends of shows or basically any other time besides the time I just mentioned.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This match gets plenty of time, Goldust working at LIGHT SPEED at 40-whatever years old and a beauty finish. Prior to that, Cody Rhodes makes a case for being the best maskless/brightly lit arena Sin Cara he can be by scaling the ropes and hurling his body onto the Shield on the outside.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">CM Punk was also watching backstage, trying to devise a strategy for his 3-on-1 match at TLC. "Hmm… oh I know I just need two other people to help me aw fuck damn it".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The match ends with the announce team yelling NUMBERS NUMBERS NUMBERS, somehow pretending that the numbers weren't 3 and then another 3.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Watching long six-man tags always reminds me of the Camp Cornette vs. HBK/Ahmed/Sid(? - going off the top of my head here) match where a fan storms the ring, trying to break Shawn Michaels out of a Vader bearhug. I don't know why.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CENA/ORTON 2009 FLASHBACK - I QUIT MATCH: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Worth it for Cena's weird pursed-lipped "…nooo" when asked to quit, and to remind you of super-nude super-bald shaved-cat-era Randy Orton. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">PUNK/RENEE BACKSTAGE PROMO: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Someone needs to stop reaching into the John Cena bingo-ball tumbler of promo jokes for CM Punk. "Sing I Feel Pretty For No Reason".</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">BAD NEWS BARRETT PT. 2: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I have some good news and I have some bad news the good news is fuck you and the bad news is suck it.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">MIZ/KOFI BACKSTAGE HANDSHAKE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I feel like I've been sucked into a black hole where time doesn't exist and The Miz and Kofi Kingston have been either shaking hands, rejecting each others' handshakes, or deciding whether or not to shake one another's hands for a real eternity.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">There's not even a joke option for the internet to spam vote.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">KOFI & MIZ V. RYBACK & AXEL: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">LOS MATADORES WWE SHOP SEGMENT: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If only to remind you of Zack Ryder's depressed sell job of everybody's merch but his a few weeks ago.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">CENA/ORTON FLASHBACK: LAST WEEK: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">No need to watch the reverse of what will happen at the end of tonight's show!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">FANDANGO V. MARK HENRY: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I love me some Rick Ross Mark Henry screaming at Fandango. That should, without question, be some kind of stun move in WWE 2K15.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But EVEN MORESO do I like Henry suggestively dancing towards Summer Rae and earning his first LEGITIMATE Sexual Chocolate chant since Old School RAW. Holy FUCK. Potentially botched finish or not, with those Sexual Chocolate dance moves and Summer Rae's faces of utter terror make this match 100% worth watching.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Forcing the word TWERK into my earholes against my will should be punishable by Mark Henry aggressively hitting on you. I'm looking at you, JBL.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SMACKDOWN REBOUND: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Unless if you didn't watch Smackdown, like me. The recap reveals that there was an eating contest and Antonio Cesaro giantly swung Titus O'Neil to the point of barfing on three different people. It also revealed that Zack Ryder's role in the company has plummeted from Guy Trying To Get Noticed to Sad WWE Shop Goatee Guy to Guy Who Cheers On Lower Midcarders In A Holiday Themed Eating Contest. Hoo boy.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">REAL AMERICANS V. PRIME TIME PLAYERS: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I was oddly entertained by a match that revolved around trying to make his opponent throw up. The psychology of Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter calling off the giant swing, but Cesaro looking to the crowd for suggestions was beyond what I thought WWE was capable when it comes to basic wrestling comedy.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Also, the We The People ring jackets are fly as fuck and need to be sold to me by suicidal Zack Ryder on WWEShop.com.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">WWE UNIFIED TITLE APP VOTE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">can we please just</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE WALK BACKSTAGE: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">get to the</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">JERRY LAWLER REVEALS VOTE RESULTS: <i>FF</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">oh okay here we go</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">TLC CONTRACT SIGNING: <i>WATCH</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Quick aside: on the way to the ring you can see Triple H admire the ladders set up in the aisle and mouth "big ladders" to himself. This made me laugh and I don't know why.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">John Cena and Randy Orton is something nobody wants to see, so I've read. These guys have been the collective Face Of The WWE for the length of Stone Cold Steve Austin's WWE run, basically, and everyone is pretty sick of shitty Superman and boring Batman winning everything and fighting each other. I get that.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">But they did a surprisingly decent job of making this feel important. Even with all of John Cena's "hey I ain't the face of nothing JACK I'm just John Cena JACK and I show up first, leave last and JACK JACK JACK" they still did a good job of doing the contract signing thing. Whether you think that contract signings are devoid of logic/played out/whatever, then that's up to you (and I probably agree).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This ends with the tried, tested and expected "preview" of the PPV they're promoting, with Cena putting Orton through tables and standing tall (the most important thing a thing can do) at the end of the show. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">It'd be pretty funny to freeze someone in time at the very moment Daniel Bryan beat John Cena at SummerSlam for the WWE Title, and then unfreeze them for the end of this show, with Cena cheering and posing over Randy Orton with both World Titles over his head. That person would probably go into some kind of sick (sick bro!) Zack Ryder tailspin of depression and Just For Men Spray On Goatee addiction. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">WELP, that does it for my first (and probably last, given my god awful track record!) RAW IS DVR'D. Tell me what you thought, <a href="http://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam" target="_blank">follow my once-again active Twitter</a>, and see you (probably not) (don't count on me) next week.</span></div>
pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-10110650616272622992013-12-02T13:46:00.000-05:002013-12-02T13:46:02.433-05:00SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VII: ADRIAN'S REVENGE<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Uh. Hi.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I've been gone a long time. Like a <i>long</i> time. Like left for WCW and a fat guy dressed as "Fake Pizzabodyslam" came out and you were like "wtf that's not the real pizzabodyslam, he's in wcw now wrestling under his real name, Grib Tendleman" long.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been gone for 683 days. <b>TWO YEARS</b> BASICALLY. I've missed like 87% of a 434 day CM Punk WWE Title run. I've missed the entire undefeated streak, and DEBUT for that matter, of The Shield. I've missed a Once In A Lifetime match and it happened TWICE. I'VE BEEN GONE FOR TWO LIFETIMES. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Truthfully, I've only really been gone for a few months. I've been mostly keeping up over the past two years, but I legitimately missed a chunk of time when things got too busy. In fact, I've basically seen everything (here and there) right up until SummerSlam of this year.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Actually, I watched SummerSlam too. Well, most of it. I saw the whole thing but paused it right after Daniel Bryan beat John Cena for the WWE Championship. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't see, so I just called it a night. That show was perfect from top to bottom (well, almost bottom - still gotta finish it! haha but what could happen in like ninety seconds).</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BUT, now that I'm back, I can start catching up! Alright, let me get settled here and bring up the DVR. Not sure why I feel the need to watch the very end of SummerSlam... I guess that little WWE copyright thing gives me comfort. Anyway, here we go, time to unpause and watch Daniel Bryan's uninterrupted title celebration of pure catharsis!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG3XqUWmOJUeKMBzk_26E-ZHiHWs8HLMujkrX4b9UgvF4dx9xd1UPMaRdANTO-TsFu-d4bzot6vgS7_POXTZmCD7Ag5bMcS6tO4MwOuaaNBvMc51xXnpwGF3cnchBfxovIYERb-WN4WHE/s1600/7a5935693a549a22666cafde834bb555.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG3XqUWmOJUeKMBzk_26E-ZHiHWs8HLMujkrX4b9UgvF4dx9xd1UPMaRdANTO-TsFu-d4bzot6vgS7_POXTZmCD7Ag5bMcS6tO4MwOuaaNBvMc51xXnpwGF3cnchBfxovIYERb-WN4WHE/s400/7a5935693a549a22666cafde834bb555.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><strike>I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME</strike> WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">... is this the darkest timeline?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Sidenote: before I dive into this, I should point out that this won't be a typical SIBG post. I've had seven of these suckers now, and normally I talk about all the things I missed whilst neglecting this place. Because there's two lifetimes worth of dub dubby e I need to recap, I'll probably split it up into a few posts, to ensure my first post back doesn't gas me by being 90,000 paragraphs on Total Divas and then I disappear for a Shawn Michaels amount of time.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know if I have much to say on the ending to SummerSlam. In fact, when it happened, of the two camps (the first being the WHAT THE FUCK FUCK YOU TRIPLE H I HATE YOU FOR REAL NOT AS A HEEL THOUGH FUCK RANDY ORTON'S STUPID SHINY BODY camp and the second being the Wait And See Where It Goes™, <a href="http://twitter/com/MrBrandonStroud" target="_blank">Brandon Stroud</a>) I fell into the latter.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I so badly wanted to see Bryan have his untouched, unH'd moment of beating John Cena squeaky-ass clean in the middle of the ring. The fact that you can type the sentence "Bryan Danielson beat John Cena clean in the SummerSlam main event for the WWE Championship" and you're not the booker of a "real guys only" e-fed is fucking nuts.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BUT, I thought this was all going to lead to an even bigger moment. Because while I do feel that WWE has ruined basically every guy's "first" WWE Championship moment (the moments that made Shawn Michaels and Stone Cold and so on), by having Money In The Bank or two World Titles and chucking the belt on guys super early, it's the reality of the world (wrestling entertainment) we live in.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So while the SummerSlam moment was tarnished by the taint of Triple H forcing the back of Bryan's head into the mat, I've been solemnly praying to the non-JBL wrestling gods (are you there wrestling god, it's me, pizzabodyslam from internet), that we'll get our sweet, sweet WrestleMania payoff for Daniel Bryan.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That said, it was definitely a shock to my system to watch SummerSlam and then miss almost three straight months of wrestling, and then jump back in at Survivor Series. Seeing Punk and Bryan relegated back to the midcard after putting on arguably two of the best matches of the year on the same night, gave my wrestling boner a sad. And that Orton/Big Show main event? WOOF. Not to mention the next night on Raw featured a guest host, Orton/Cena angles and the commentary team screaming TWERK at nobody or nothing - it was like 2009 gave me a Bronco Buster.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But it all makes sense in my delusional stupid brain (not the bronco buster part). Having Bryan chase the title from SummerSlam all the way to WrestleMania would be brutal, if the goal is to have him finally take it back on the big stage. How rough are three consecutive screwy PPV finishes where he's H'd out of the belt? Imagine like SEVEN or whatever it would've been.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know what will happen. Bryan wins the Rumble, Punk and Bryan both win the Rumble, Goldberg comes back to spear Bryan and hug Triple H, WrestleMania ends with Triple H STANDING TALL holding the unified WWE Title (and all of our collective nutsacks), I DON'T KNOW. But my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan heart is fluttering around thanks to my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan brain convincing me that one of those moments that happens once every few years that is so good it makes up for the relentless soul destroying shit we put up with is just around the corner.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Check back here around April and I'll either be gleefully typing more run on sentences in all caps about SummerSlam being worth it, or I'll have transformed into a real life Bray Wyatt, rocking in my rocking chair, my psyche finally obliterated by the stranglehold WWE has on me.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>they been lyin' to you maaaaannnnnn</i></span>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-71317617750217071742012-01-19T11:51:00.004-05:002012-01-19T12:16:27.041-05:00THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12: WHERE EVERYONE SAYS "MY BAD"<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana;font-size:small;">Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you every (wait for it) Thursday via <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Fair To Flair</span></a> in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was killed by that murderous, scary, serial killing wrestler guy <span style="text-decoration: line-through">Kane</span> John Cena.</span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">THURSDAY <span style="color:#ff0200;">RAW</span> THURSDAY 01/16/12</p> </span><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5a2MkL05aesVLkbj-VhOFckxRoHV8QMnVkX938w9H4gzAYR-ucYvyRbtS0CIq8DNkKNag68IGUMHoRSTtsaaYeETV7JCs2Sl6WE75Jx39uwtsv50D3vzbt_MI1dU_ChQRNtlJD6AM6aM/s1600/punkacepunchjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5a2MkL05aesVLkbj-VhOFckxRoHV8QMnVkX938w9H4gzAYR-ucYvyRbtS0CIq8DNkKNag68IGUMHoRSTtsaaYeETV7JCs2Sl6WE75Jx39uwtsv50D3vzbt_MI1dU_ChQRNtlJD6AM6aM/s400/punkacepunchjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5699392630562201970" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px; " /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">WOO!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">ANGRY WRESTLERS SPEAKING ANGRILY TO EACH OTHER</p> <p color="#232323" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; ">It’s weird that I have to applaud that (angry, reluctant applause), but when today’s wrestlers usually speak to each other in some combination of winks and punchlines and G-rated filth, anger is suddenly refreshing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">This past Monday, Raw was bookended by two segments based around two people being angry with each other. There’s two key parts to that sentence: the <b>angry</b> part, and the <b>with each other</b> part.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">The “angry” part is refreshing because we live in a world where John Cena can’t stop talking about underwear when Kane is trying to for real murder him. So when Dolph Ziggler rips Mick Foley a new place to hide his sock, or when CM Punk takes a page out of Big Johnny’s book and tells him to shut his mouth just like Eve should (show some goddamned respect, Eve), well, my pro wrestling boner grew three sizes that day.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">The “with each other” part is refreshing because we live in a world where every wrestler is hyper aware of the people watching the show. It’s come to a point where John Cena has literally walked out to the ring to stand there and hold the microphone out to the audience as a promo. So when these four guys are all angry with each other over an issue that isn’t based entirely on how much “we people” like or hate John Cena, or how John Laurinaitis is or isn’t Mr. Exciting to “us people,” my pro wrestling boner grows three sizes more.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Now, I don’t want things to get carried away with anger and have everyone screaming and stabbing each other like in TNA (I haven’t watched TNA in a long time, okay <b>[ed. note: this is still how it is over there]</b>) because that would totally devalue what happened on Monday. But if we could dial back the self-awareness and the unfunny comedy, I think everyone would benefit.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Alternatively, we could just run rapid-fire replays of John Laurinaitis telling Eve to shut her mouth and I could giggle myself to sleep every week because that was so fucking funny.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">BIG JOHNNY STUDD</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">In addition to being <i>this</i> close to telling Eve to shut her <i>fucking</i> mouth, Johnny Ace also launched into what I was hoping would slowly turn into a Will Ferrell “<a href="http://www.hulu.com/watch/3526/saturday-night-live-family-dinner"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">I drive a Dodge Stratus!!</span></a>” dinner table speech. He just kept getting more and more frustrated with how he was being bullied, I felt like it had to end with “YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I CAN DO 100 PUSH-UPS IN TWENTY MINUTES! BIG TIME STUFF”</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Also, <a href="http://thesquaredcircle.tumblr.com/post/16066018273/i-love-how-wrestling-does-certain-things"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">The Squared Circle</span></a> wrote a nice paragraph on why Big Johnny is so easy to hate (when you’re not choking on your own laughter at the things he says):</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><i>"I love to hate Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager John Lauranitis. Just that whole fuckin’ title. It gets heat like a furnace.</i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><i>I think he’s a better evil boss than Mr. McMahon, because Vince is so transparently Evil and Johnny Ace is a much more recognizable form of evil everybody has seen in a shitty boss before, the evil of incompetence. You can’t tell if he’s trying to fuck you over on purpose, or if shit just keeps rolling downhill, and there he is on his fuckin’ BlackBerry again, what a motherfucker."</i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">And it’s true. Despite all of his Eve-silencing comedy, it’s not hard to get behind CM Punk when he’s calling him a douchebag. He even stumbles over his words (I swear he almost called Punk <a href="http://i380.photobucket.com/albums/oo244/bennsa/vlcsnap-886269.png"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">CP Munk</span></a>), and while I don’t think that’s intentional, it seems to at least give Punk’s shots at his charisma a leg to stand on.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">DANIEL BRYAN APPRECIATES AJ</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I love seeing the wheels spinning in Daniel Bryan’s head as he grows as a heel.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">When AJ says “I love you” and he says “how much” you can see a little thought bubble pop above his head with a clip of Big Show running her over and ending the match playing inside of it. When Big Show actually does run her over, you can see the gears turning in Bryan’s head until he finally realizes how he can use this against Big Show and then he makes him fucking cry.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">He. Made. The Big Show. Cry.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">The best part of this is that Daniel Bryan essentially showed up on Raw to tell a live television audience that the Big Show is an unapologetic, crying, blithering idiot. That makes him my favourite person. To be fair, he already was.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I just realized that last week I made a joke about Big Show looking like a camouflage fake penis, and then this week Big Show started crying (you know, out of the tip of his face, his eyes), which means Big Show is pretty much forcing me to make a semen joke I don’t want to make. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">SECOND FUNKASAURUS VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Okay, it’s the same match twice, but it’s still funny as shit to watch.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I think it might get better and more fun if it keeps happening this EXACT way. Same moves, same catchphrases, same timing, same jobber opponent making “what the actual fuck” faces at the camera, same everything. It’d be like the shortest cult movie ever where people go to the theatre and shout out punchlines and sing along to the songs, except everyone would be shouting “SHEEPLEX” and answering “YEAH” in a sassy voice to “SHOULD I… GET HEE-YIM?”.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">What’s even better about this is that he’s had three matches as the Funkasaurus, and with the dance routine, the booty shake, the opponent feel-up, the big headbutt, the SHEEPLEX, the avalanche in the corner and the “Aw, Funk It!” he’s already got more moves than Diesel (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Awmaulpl-Y"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">and that’s including the hair flip</span></a>).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">CHRIS JERICHO, MR. SPARKLE</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">It looks like the ‘Quiet-ollah of Rock and Trolla’ (I tried, and therefore no one can criticize me) is on board with my “Every WWE Heel Needs A Non-Verbal Catchphrase Initiative,” <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/15731678849/thursday-raw-thursday-review-01-09-12"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">which I started last week</span></a>. Crying invisible tears would’ve been a good one, but Big Show already aped that, so he went with turning off the lights of whatever room he’s in and illuminating his <a href="http://flyerman.com/trailer.html"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">Flyerman</span></a> jacket.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I wonder when the cheers will fully stop, and how he’ll keep them that way. Don’t think for a second, no matter how hard he trolls people, that the crowd won’t go apeshit if he wins the Rumble.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Speaking of the Rumble, I’d love it if one of two things happened:</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>1.</b> Jericho enters at number one and manages to never actually enter the ring or the Rumble by continuously milking a crowd reaction for the duration of the match. It would be a social experiment so see how many times over the course of an hour people would cheer, start booing, then slowly start to laugh, then cheer again, then start booing again, etc.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>2.</b> Jericho enters the Rumble, lasts ‘til the end with one other jobber like Tyler Reks or someone, then eliminates himself so people have to deal with Tyler Reks winning the Royal Rumble. No one could cheer that.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><i>Honourable Mention:</i> Tag Team Match, Play— URRRGHHHHAAGGH NO! NO!!! I CAN CHANGE!!!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Teddy Long did the unthinkable. He saw four guys in a ring, in conflict with one another, came out, and didn’t make a tag team match. In therapy this is called a “breakthrough”. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I can’t stop picturing Teddy Long watching Sheamus, The Miz, R-Truth and Wade Barrett all fight in the ring, vibrating in place at the thought of a tag team match. Part of me wishes that after he announced the Over The Top Rope Battle Royal, he went “just kidding, tag team match playa!”</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><i>Honourable Honourable Mention:</i> This Teddy Long “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExLwLpTFmSY"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">Tag Team Match Dubstep Lolz</span></a>” video that for some reason I laughed at.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color:#666666;"><span style="color:#232323;"><i>Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention:</i> <a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/2012/01/the-best-and-worst-of-wwe-raw-1912-somebody-call-my-mama/cena-girl-run"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">Dolph Ziggler referencing John Cena’s hilariously awkward run from last week</span></a>. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #666666; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; color: rgb(35, 35, 35); ">THURSDAY <span style="color:#ff0200;">RAW</span> THURSDAY 01/16/12</p> </span><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidFas8n4eJLEpK9iKUy1NOCxemT6fBydKp9yBdz97AF1VsEm7qxIbccuRnfYl9Sf4Uz2rOR4Sk4F3VWQ7oDLz4pr-UdycqgqvIQgqKPK_8kgQAUM2d9-R2fhcGbFwmLFd-IdiiK2xgg0A/s1600/cenasociopathjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidFas8n4eJLEpK9iKUy1NOCxemT6fBydKp9yBdz97AF1VsEm7qxIbccuRnfYl9Sf4Uz2rOR4Sk4F3VWQ7oDLz4pr-UdycqgqvIQgqKPK_8kgQAUM2d9-R2fhcGbFwmLFd-IdiiK2xgg0A/s400/cenasociopathjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5699392629655084370" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 221px; " /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; color: rgb(35, 35, 35); ">BOO!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">JOHN CENA MIGHT BE A SOCIOPATH</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I understand that this whole thing was supposed to be John Cena “embracing hate,” but it sure as shit was the weirdest thing to embrace hate over. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">He’s just a sociopath. Kane tries to murder him and the next week he comes out to wish everyone a Happy New Year and make underwear jokes. Zack Ryder loses a match and John Cena attempts to FUCKING KILL Jack Swagger while everyone screams STOP STOP HE’S ALREADY DEAD.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">What’s also weird is how he referenced Johnny Ace’s “my bad” when confronting him backstage, which means <i>he was watching</i> Zack Ryder’s backstage promo. NO OTHER WRESTLER seems to watch these backstage segments, but no, John Cena is somewhere backstage, eyes glued to the monitor as Zack Ryder is being tended to by doctors. I don’t know why I find that so weird. Everyone else is off preparing for matches while John Cena has his thumb up his butt watching the show he’s on.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Point is, John Cena is a crazier crazy person than Kane, who is still pretty crazy, because he did his “ringpost pyro taunt” from backstage to a camera, as if that’s what actually sets off his fireworks.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">All of this stuff is in the BOO section, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I liked it at least a little bit for how goddamn funny it is.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">CM PUNK CAN DO BOTH FUNNY AND SERIOUS!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;"><a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/2012/01/the-best-and-worst-of-wwe-raw-11612-the-most-popular-blog-in-the-world/2">Brandon Stroud of the Best and Worst of Raw tackled the shit out of this already</a></span>. He made great points about Punk’s awkward jabs at Ziggler, and I was certainly caught off-guard by his “hiding behind a woman, and a poor excuse of a woman” comment towards Vickie Guerrero, but somehow I’m more offended by his unfunny comedy.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Coming out and saying things like “turd in a punch bowl” and making fun of a guy’s spray tan and highlights reeks of so much John Cena that he was one Shouty Preacher Voice away from evolving into him. John Cena’s “funny voice / serious voice” on-off switch doesn’t work for him, so it’d be sweet if no one else, especially CM fucking Punk, would give it a shot ever again.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">ZACK RYDER HAS FIGHTING SPIRIT</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Remember two years ago when Jack Swagger won the World Heavyweight Title by beating Chris Jericho (with injured ribs) using one Gutwrench Powerbomb? How the hell am I then supposed to believe that Swagger needs THREE of those to beat Zack Ryder (with Kane-injured ribs [BBQ ribs?]) for the US Title?</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">This is nit-picking, but it was just a bit odd to see him kick-out TWICE when his ribs are injured, and it’s a totally acceptable loss if he were to just take it once and get pinned. If Ryder can kick-out of finishers like that, let’s line him up against Undertaker this year at Mania.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">PEREZ/PARIS HILTON</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Whichever one the announcers want to go with, I guess.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Anyway, nothing needs to be even said about this, nor does any penis or cocaine need to be drawn on a picture about this. It was more than uncomfortable watching him sell a Bella shove like someone yanked a rug out from underneath him. It was a bad idea from the second they announced it, all the way through to when it was over. It went exactly as we expected, ninety seconds of plugging his website, a roll-up finish, everyone booed. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Now we can all go back to having that exact same match without him next week, and he can go back to, I don’t know, mashing the exclamation point key?</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><i>Honourable Mention: </i>Evan Bourne’s second wellness strike.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Okay, I’m not going to say much here. Everyone’s piped in and gone “lol dumb” or whatever enough. I might take some flack for this, but here goes.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I agree. It is dumb. He probably should’ve had his shit together knowing he’d be tested again. My problem is more with the reaction it got online. Sure, everyone was correct that he was stupid for getting busted (probably for pot or fake pot or whatever, although I don’t think it was ever actually said what it was). But it’s also not exactly flattering to see your timeline fill up in seconds with people leaping at the chance to point and laugh at a guy, who’s done nothing but hurt his own future.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I feel like I can’t really say that and come off like my hands are clean or whatever, considering how much fun I’ve made of Matt Hardy in the past or whoever, so I know I’m no different, so all I’m going to say, in this run-on sentence, is for whatever reason, to see the news break and how everyone immediately reacted, it irked me, and now I’ll move on, enough preaching, especially since I’ll probably ruin it within the week by pointing and laughing at Matt Hardy or something.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">And, even I can’t deny that <a href="http://stylesclash.tumblr.com/post/16088562450"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">this was funny</span></a>. So there.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color:#2900ee;"><span style="color:#232323;"><i>Edited by </i><a href="http://internationalobject.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;"><i>K. Sawyer Paul</i></span></a></span></p></span><p></p>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-77547504990893523842012-01-12T14:34:00.004-05:002012-01-12T14:56:20.067-05:00THE DEBUT OF THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY: 01/09/12<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small; ">I’ve come to realize that my reviews, if one even gets done, get done late. So, I’ve decided to brand my own tardiness! Every Thursday you can find my review of Raw here, and over at <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Fair To Flair</span></a>. If you haven’t seen the Thursday Raw Thursday, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIFQARrVbNM"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">please watch this video</span></a> so whenever you read “Thursday Raw Thursday” in this or any future post, you can say “Thursday Raw Thursday” in your head in that weird stilted phrasing, like I always do.</span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” is still changing a tire at the American Bank Center Arena in Corpus Christi.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">THURSDAY <span style="color:#ff0200;">RAW</span> THURSDAY REVIEW 01/09/12</p> </span><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie57IbQtSFpsNr0Cauuwcgwuh0LCKRaGnSRuylsij9PlXcQ1rIXVUDStj-KftMmQQam16e8v-19t8H_iac5IQ3T_baoLnG4jAnJ8vJg6RueLV7BS_ar5pPhU53DcyDFGJE0Mf514gGDgo/s1600/funkasaurusjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie57IbQtSFpsNr0Cauuwcgwuh0LCKRaGnSRuylsij9PlXcQ1rIXVUDStj-KftMmQQam16e8v-19t8H_iac5IQ3T_baoLnG4jAnJ8vJg6RueLV7BS_ar5pPhU53DcyDFGJE0Mf514gGDgo/s400/funkasaurusjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5696836164553183266" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 222px; " /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"> <p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">WOO!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE (MAYBE NOT, BUT LET’S RUN TO OUR RENTAL CAR ANYWAY)</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">It’s hard to believe that I’ve been gone ever since Kane returned and forcibly caved John Cena’s mouth in on itself. But now, like Kane, I’ve been resurrected (I guess you can be resurrected if Mark Henry sits on your leg and you take ‘er easy for a while), and I too am wearing a big silver Vega mask.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I’ve already missed some <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.tumblr.com/post/15685562294/thefakecyndilauper-this-is-my-new-favourite"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">instant Kane classics</span></a> in the time I’ve been gone. Such as Kane <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WeaR4kdqag#t=0m30s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">Hadokening John Cena</span></a>. Or when he stood around <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNXRft2pRZY"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">trying to get a “Cena Sucks” chant going</span></a>, but mostly failed and had to just sit there idly twiddling his yarn pants (I wish he started it with a falsetto “let’s go Cena!”). Even last week’s promo from backstage (I hope he was in full gear with a microphone just sitting there poking at the lights and pyro board trying to spook Cena) had me in stitches (like his yarn pants).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">And now he’s claiming he almost brought Zack Ryder to “hell” with him (hopefully the same “hell” that Edge was in and later made fun of). </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">But nothing was funnier than watching Zack Ryder change a tire while Eve squirmed in the passenger’s seat for like three commercial breaks. There was absolutely no logic or voice of reason in this segment (which I’ll get to), and I died laughing, much like Zack Ryder presumably died when he was chokeslammed onto a grocery skid, and like John Cena died when Kane suffocated him with the cup your hand around your fart and make someone smell it move.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">BIG JOHNNY VS. LITTLE JIMMY</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">In an instance of perfect timing, R-Truth stops being funny just when BIG JOHNNY steps up to the plate, texting and quipping like a <span style="text-decoration: line-through">boss</span> Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw. Even Jerry Lawler was casually calling him “Big Johnny” by the end of the night - that shit STUCK.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">More importantly, I’d like it if every heel could have a non-verbal catchphrase. Kind of like when you play Sonic the Hedgehog, and if you do nothing for long enough he’ll start tapping his foot, but if you were playing David Otunga the Hedgehog, he’d whip out a hot beverage thermal mug and take a swig. This would all build to one show where they could do one of their “DAMN” backstage sketches that would actually be funny, where Johnny Ace texts, Otunga slurps, Del Rio winks, maybe Swagger gets his facial twitch back and Jinder Mahal pets a cat or something.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">DANIEL BRYAN IS MICHAEL COLE</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">He is.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">It’s both alarming and amazing, but he is. At first he was just a douche, and I hate Big Show so he’s a douche to me, so it was two douches feuding for a week or two, so that sucked for me. But now, it’s better (except for Big Show, who I still hate, and will get to later).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">It’s a bit odd that DB’s celebrating <i>exactly</i> like Michael Cole would (endless shouting of YES YES YES YES [he may as well be saying WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER]). I’m bracing myself for Big Show eventually squashing Danielson and Michael Cole standing up and going “YES YES YES SEE HE IS A NERD WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER” and farting on his head.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">But for now, I can enjoy the slow potential return of “I have ‘til five, referee” Bryan Danielson heel World Champion.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #2900ee"><a href="http://www.hasbrodusclaydebutedyet.com/">HAS BRODUS CLAY DEBUTED YET?</a></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">So now we know why he took so long to debut. He had to come all the way from Planet Funk.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">WHAT. THE. (RESISTING THE URGE TO SAY FUNK) FUCK. I’ve only watched this segment once, so it’s still spinning around my brain like a fever dream. I once had this dream when I was ten where I was Owen Hart and I was wrestling the Ultimate Warrior, but then I looked up and saw Vader climbing the seats in the crowd like King Kong scaling a skyscraper, but his red singlet was all sparkly and he was wearing all kinds of gaudy gold jewellery. It’s stuck with me forever. Now I know why.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I don’t want to ruin this already for myself by saying this is something that will probably get less and less fun as it goes on, so I’m just going to say that I laughed for the entire duration of that match, and hope to do so in the future. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">BONUS WOO: “Should I get ‘im?!!??!”</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">PUNK VS. SWAGGER, ZOLPH ZIGGLER, PREMATURE JACK DOAN</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Okay, a lot of names to get to. I’ll get Zolph out of the way first, because John Laurinaitis flubbing his name made me bust a gut.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">CM Punk has finally made it back to where he should be. No more weird Triple H and Kevin Nash heart-breaking, no more goofy John Cena forced humour, he’s just the WWE Champion and wrestling in the best match of the night, each night. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">It’s so much more simple now. He has legitimate beef with John Laurinaitis for his constant “good intentions” interference in Punk’s affairs, and everything else seems to fall into place nicely. Nothing is too convoluted, it’s simple enough, and Punk is more than good enough to make simple <i>good</i>. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Punk vs. Swagger was great, and somehow made even more great with Jack Doan’s premature “1… 2… 3! WHOOPS SORRY FUCK”. The announcers replaying it and treating it as something that actually happened instead of ignoring it like they usually would made things feel that much more real, even if it was a mistake. It’s something that makes you look up from your laptop or put a stop to the conversation in the room (who am I kidding, we’re all on our laptops, NERDS! TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER) and pay attention because the wrestling program has stopped continuing on as a normal wrestling program would.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><i>Honourable Mention:</i> Chris Jericho</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">You can’t see me right now, but I’m crying.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; color: rgb(35, 35, 35); ">THURSDAY <span style="color:#ff0200;">RAW</span> THURSDAY REVIEW: 01/09/12</p> </span><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyWOkAQ7wowNVrBbCRvQ4w2Kr3xyESXUD0YV2_ePlsw8RsYgapmG0HPX3JfdftPSTIpD1IfQezTqaqUNtE3X3IKu5Cko65_ckKqga5R_fZEcj5b3hxiNb_kROmZ2RPCG2LZOqj88RlgQ8/s1600/rydertirejpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyWOkAQ7wowNVrBbCRvQ4w2Kr3xyESXUD0YV2_ePlsw8RsYgapmG0HPX3JfdftPSTIpD1IfQezTqaqUNtE3X3IKu5Cko65_ckKqga5R_fZEcj5b3hxiNb_kROmZ2RPCG2LZOqj88RlgQ8/s400/rydertirejpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5696836156944598546" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 224px; " /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; color: rgb(35, 35, 35); ">BOO!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">BUT SERIOUSLY, KANE (AND ZACK RYDER AND EVE)</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">WOW. Okay, <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/15645891329/wwe-raw-january-10-2012"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">Razor handled this whole “horror movie” storyline in his Raw review</span></a> (he also handled “Raw” in his Raw review, so I’m here to just, y’know, beat that dead Funkhorse!) but I do have a few things to say about the logistics of this.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">On the one hand, Eve running out of the ring, out of the building, into a car and attempting to get away is AMAZING. It’s what you (maybe just me) always want a wrestler to do (or at least just calmly walk away) whenever The Undertaker starts slowly making his way to the ring to standing 69 him. Just walk away. Theme music is not paralyzing. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">On the other hand, once she and Ryder made it to the rental car and spent forty minutes replacing the wiper fluid, shouldn’t one of them have gone “oh, he’s not coming, let’s just go” and leave? I’m still not sure what they expected from driving back to their hotel when they’ll just be seeing Kane at the next live event anyway, where he’s free to palm their mouths as much as he so pleases. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">But when Eve was standing in the ring all giddy, primed and ready to air-hump, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8CkKedkgXk#t=30s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;">and then Kane’s music hit</span></a> and she instantly took a knee and shit herself, I shit MYSELF laughing (seriously, best reaction to Kane since John Cena’s scared face from two weeks ago).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">There’s still no proof that Kane was ever coming out. He could’ve been in the washroom watching Superstar after Superstar brush their teeth while the light and pry guy was like “whoops, hit the Kane button” and all of a sudden Eve and Zack are bookin’ it for the parking lot before he can hit pause.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">This has to be the biggest and most hilarious overreaction in wrestling history. I kind of wish it was taken even further. Maybe next week Zack can shoot Kane with a real gun because he’s still overreacting.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">At the very least someone should follow Eve around playing Kane’s music until she has a nervous breakdown.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">A NEVER ENDING LACK OF LOGIC</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I don’t want anyone to think this bothered me <i>that much</i>, but sometimes the way this show is shot is dumb. I understand that this is a television show and it’s fake, I just hate when things happen to remind everyone it’s fake. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Like the camera panning to a closed door, seemingly for no reason, after Zack Ryder makes idle threats about Kane, and then the door creaks open and out pops Kane’s head. Or when the cameras cut to Zack Ryder CHANGING A TIRE during the main event. Why is this important, unless, yep, here comes Kane to MURDER — NOPE — CHOKESLAM him? The only other noteworthy reason to cut to Zack Ryder changing a tire during the main event is to go, “haha, ho man he’s <i>still</i> changing that tire, okay carry on”.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">A GOOD R-TRUTH</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">It’s subtle, but allow me to illustrate the differences between A Bad R-Truth and A GoooOoOoOoOoooD R-Truth:</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Bad R-Truth:</b> Requires water.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Good R-Truth:</b> Is still trying to get an open water bottle over as a believable weapon.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Bad R-Truth:</b> Punctuates his crazy actions with goggly eyes.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Good R-Truth: </b>Punctuates his crazy actions with a wink and a smile.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Bad R-Truth: </b>Hates Little Jimmy.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Good R-Truth:</b> Wants Little Jimmy to wish The Miz a Happy New Year.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Bad R-Truth:</b> Is funny.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><b>A Good R-Truth: </b>Is not funny.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">FELLLLAAAAAAAA</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I laoch Sheamus. In fact, his DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH style of wrestling has somehow caught on with me. I like how he makes the same noise when he hits someone as when he’s being hit. But when he walks out on the ramp and yells “FELLLLAAAAAA” instead of “LAOCH”, I laoch him a little less.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">It just doesn’t really make sense. Sure, Sheamus, I realize you like saying “fella” a lot, which is cool, but would it make sense for me to walk out on the ramp and go “DUUUUUUUDE”? At least laoch sounds like something you would scream to get psyched up because you’re Irish and that’s an Irish word meaning “powerbomb” or whatever and I can run with that. Screaming “fella” directed at no one in particular is a weird battle cry, so stop doing it. But please continue kicking Jinder Mahal in the face because fuck that guy.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #232323">BIG SHOW IS ACCIDENTALLY MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN THE GUY TRYING TO BE OBNOXIOUS</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">No matter how hard Daniel Bryan tries to be an annoying doucher, Big Show always manages to one up him. What’s worse: Bryan celebrating after winning a match in two minutes, or Big Show interrupting said celebration to come out WITH FIREWORKS, cheering and pointing like he’s at some National Cheerleading Final, slapping hands with everyone, going “OH YEAGGHHH”, putting his toque on a soldier, to only get in the ring and go “now, about last week”.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">Are you really THAT PUMPED UP to talk about last week? I hate when Big Show is like this. I hate his Kevin Nash Just For Men: Beard beard. I hate how no matter how many times Daniel Bryan takes him to the limit, every time a new rematch is announced, Big Show is all “HAHA YEAH WHATEVER UR DEAD”. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">P.S. Stop dressing like a camouflage dildo.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323"><i>Honourable Mention:</i> Wait, I forgot the most important part - TWITTER!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">I understand that the WWE is really proud of it’s social media accomplishments. I get that they are pushing Twitter on their TV shows and what have you. But I can’t handle one more WWE Superstar or announcer saying to another WWE Superstar or announcer “sure, you may have [done something actually important like win a title or match] and you may be [concerned with something actually important like your current storyline], but who cares?! YOU ARE [TRENDING ON TWITTER / FOLLOWED BY MORE PEOPLE THAN SOMEONE / TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER]</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color: #232323; min-height: 17.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #232323">On that note, here’s the end of my review where I tell you to <a href="http://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">follow me on Twitter</span></a>.</p></span><p></p>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-61570115073331708832011-12-18T17:23:00.006-05:002011-12-18T18:24:24.142-05:00I AM WEARING A T-SHIRT OF THE UNDERTAKER RIDING A HORSE<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">And I can't think of a title for this blog.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Since I haven't said or done anything in a while, I'm going to be live-tweeting tonight's pay-per-view, WWE: TLC (which stands for tables, ladders and chairs - or, as my girlfriend hilariously thought, <i>tape</i>, ladders and chairs. To be fair, they might as well throw tape in there. Or any home renovation item, now that they've combined sledgehammers and ladders. Add tape. Maybe a sabre saw. Maybe toss Triple H a softball and include some caulk).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I am most excited for three things tonight:</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>1. Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T</b></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Cody Rhodes' maniacal laugh is the most accidentally infectious laugh <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yC2s65VDXU"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">since that time there was a gas leak in the hallway</span></a>. His laugh is exactly as funny as Tony Atlas' DURHURHUR laugh at David Otunga was unfunny. I love Cody Rhodes. And I love Booker T excitedly ploughing through the English language to try and explain whether his issue with Cody Rhodes is personal or not. I hope this somehow leads to a Goldust/Cody match at WrestleMania, but if it only leads to Cody Rhodes saying he's coming for Booker T, nigga, than that's okay too.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>2. Big Show vs. Mark Henry</b></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I am mentally bracing myself for several minutes of ankle holding and hilarious Big Show selling. I'm curious if Daniel Bryan will get involved, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I <i>will</i> hold my breath until I fall off my couch and hit my head on my coffee table if Big Show wins though. Hopefully I can revive myself soon enough for the Smackdown where he would inevitably come out like the world's largest male cheerleader, whooping and doing his big annoying rain-dance with the title. I hate "fired-up so happy to be here C'MON YEAH" Big Show. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>3. Kevin Nash vs. Triple H</b></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Ho man. If this isn't filled to the brim with crazy method-acting Triple H, and tons of Kevin Nash heavy-breathing ladder-climbing, this'll be the last Tape Ladders and Chairs I ever order. This has so much potential because the match makes no sense. It's a ladder match, so it's no disqualification. Climb the ladder to get the sledgehammer, and then you can use it. Why not just bring another sledgehammer to the ring? Why not fucking sabre saw Triple H to death? Why would you even risk climbing that stupid ladder, either of you, given the history of your tissue-paper quads?! Just each of you push a shopping cart of sledgehammers to the ring and start sword-fighting.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Anyway, I'm excited to take in what surely has to be the oldest ladder match ever. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I'm also looking forward to Punk/ADR/Miz, but more for the spectacle of it all than the actual match, if that makes any sense.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Before I go, a couple things (starting a new list of things here):</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>1.</b> Go play <a href="http://twitter.com/kickoutblog"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Razor</span></a> (of <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Fair To Flair</span></a> and <a href="http://kickoutwrestling.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Kick-Out!!</span></a> fame)'s <a href="http://wwe.thq.com/go/article/view/252265/wwe-12-fan-story-creator---zack-ryder-vs-the-us"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">WWE 12 story - Zack Ryder vs. The U.S.</span></a> I just started, and it's been fun as heck so far (already one Community reference!). </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>2.</b> The third <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/13313901207/fair-to-flair-issue-3-4"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Fair To Flair Quarterly</span></a> is coming out soon, and it'll be a "best of" 2011. I went through all of my Raw reviews from this year and picked out my favourite parts for the issue. I was tempted to include the <i>truly</i> hilarious things I said in previous reviews, such as "Alex Riley has some serious fire" and "Dolph Ziggler's new haircut will benefit him in the long run" (both ACTUAL THINGS I said [sheeeee]) but decided to keep that horrible shame to myself.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>3.</b> LASTLY, and maybe most importantly, I have to give a super belated shout-out to <a href="http://www.thejohnreport.net/author/andrewjohnson/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Andrew Johnson</span></a> of <a href="http://www.thejohnreport.net/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">The John Report</span></a>. His Headlines are always really funny and entertaining, and his articles are on my list of wrestling sites to visit daily. Earlier this year he also wrote an awesome <a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/2011/09/the-best-and-worst-of-wwe-night-of-champions-2011"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Night of Champions Best/Worst</span></a> at <a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">With Leather</span></a> in place of <a href="http://twitter.com/MrBrandonStroud"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Brandon Stroud</span></a>, which was hilarious, especially given the shoes he had to fill there. </p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">He's also been saying way too nice things about me for a while now, so thanks for that, feller. <a href="http://twitter.com/TheAEJohnson"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">Follow this man on Twitter</span></a>.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Speaking of Twitter, join me on Twitter (<a href="http://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">@pizzabodyslam</span></a>) (TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER) for all of my live-tweets (TWITTER TWITTER), which I'll be doing shirtless and glistening whilst taking deliberate sips from a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgkhKVpKl_4#t=2m25s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color: #2900ee">hot beverage thermal mug</span></a>. JOIN ME.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TITTY TWISTER TWITTER</p></span>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-56524482420558127452011-11-29T19:13:00.004-05:002011-11-29T19:17:56.110-05:0011/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/">Fair To Flair</a> (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; color: rgb(68, 68, 68); ">MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11</p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; color: rgb(68, 68, 68); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HFnSRcp9h3DVQ_pGWVzm4o55BXSZpbjN9I6Dd38YR7KgNc5XaVSLjEJ94-W2HxJ8M-RGWIOst3HuceQ4GNtHyPwBwgMDcpMHhc61OmyZJqB6RiN8eK-1JTUkZ5dg4-NnXSVO6TcGaGM/s1600/piperrawjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HFnSRcp9h3DVQ_pGWVzm4o55BXSZpbjN9I6Dd38YR7KgNc5XaVSLjEJ94-W2HxJ8M-RGWIOst3HuceQ4GNtHyPwBwgMDcpMHhc61OmyZJqB6RiN8eK-1JTUkZ5dg4-NnXSVO6TcGaGM/s400/piperrawjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5680574410742762418" style="cursor: pointer; width: 326px; height: 378px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; color: rgb(68, 68, 68); ">LIKED...</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color:#444444;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:180%;">RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color:#444444;">I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p color="#444444" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; "><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yiNtjBQFSE#t=4m50s">Last year</a></span>, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0NO-scPlkQ#t=1m35s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">lofl</span></a>”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… <i>almost</i> blew the John Cena character wide open.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p color="#444444" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; ">Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p color="#444444" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; ">John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p color="#444444" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; ">Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p color="#444444" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; ">And <a href="http://www.wwe.com/shows/raw/2011-11-21/john-cena-needs-a-reboot"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">WWE.com is trying to turn Cena</span></a>. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/AKATheMaskedMan/status/141339636860600320"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along</span></a>, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:180%;">DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:180%;">DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him <a href="http://barrylad.tumblr.com/post/13509765394/sd-prediction"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion</span></a>.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444"><i>Honourable Mention: </i>Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “<a href="http://www.google.com/#hl=en&safe=off&q=del+rio+boring&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=6351l7375l0l7522l14l7l0l0l0l0l542l2082l0.3.1.1.0.2l7l0&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbo=u&tbm=vid&source=og&sa=N&tab=wv&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=9d316472c6b97da&biw=1280&bih=622"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt</span></a>”], the match itself was still great).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #444444">MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; min-height: 16.0pxcolor:#444444;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja06zZ3PtsB6JT2MlltJyC1quDMiH-_ea5cOp9cRj6jX0bSNfXqjWPeTUhQIWxCwh4CM4tRTtYmejd6kQ4jBFA0a0FhfZrjTRdmpk0sW9nT67Rx-iYeASeWF30lBnrtPIJH2KGr4NuYcI/s1600/tumblr_lhqb52xKNk1qgu2vmo1_500.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja06zZ3PtsB6JT2MlltJyC1quDMiH-_ea5cOp9cRj6jX0bSNfXqjWPeTUhQIWxCwh4CM4tRTtYmejd6kQ4jBFA0a0FhfZrjTRdmpk0sW9nT67Rx-iYeASeWF30lBnrtPIJH2KGr4NuYcI/s400/tumblr_lhqb52xKNk1qgu2vmo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5680574411273586418" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 319px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 24.0px Verdana; color: #444444">DISLIKED...</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:180%;">THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">There really wasn’t too much to <i>not</i> like about John Morrison’s send off.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.tumblr.com/post/13491037991/stylesclash-thisrighthereisdomination"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley</span></a> before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFoGg_aJYkM"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Pajama Jeans</span></a> are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:180%;">CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6luymGr7UM"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;"> Alicia Fox’s hand jive</span></a> from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:180%;">THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444"><i>Honourable Mention: </i>I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 14.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #444444; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color: #444444">Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.</p>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-73535217242766624802011-11-10T15:59:00.004-05:002011-11-10T16:50:21.054-05:0011/07/11 RAW REVIEW: WHY NASH WHY DO YOU KEEP EXPLAINING YOUR ACTIONS<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; ">This Raw review is also posted at <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Fair To Flair</span></a>, a new pro wrestling website that believes "personal and witty > informational and clinical". Or, at least that's what K. Sawyer Paul prefers (and so do I) <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/12568792176/fair-to-flair-quarterly-autumn-2011-the-wcw"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">for submissions for the third Fair To Flair Quarterly</span></a> (which you can read about <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/12527953545/submit-to-fair-to-flair-quarterly-issue-3-the-wcw"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">here</span></a>). I'm a regular contributor for FTF, along with co-founders <a href="http://twitter.com/wrestlespective"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Jason Mann</span></a> of <a href="http://wrestlespective.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">WrestleSpective</span></a>, <a href="http://twitter.com/intlobject"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">K. Sawyer Paul</span></a> of <a href="http://internationalobject.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">International Object</span></a>, and <a href="http://twitter.com/kickoutblog"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Razor</span></a> of <a href="http://kickoutwrestling.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Kick-Out!! Wrestling</span></a>. Also at Fair To Flair is my blogging Bruiser BROdy <a href="http://twitter.com/tholzerman"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">TH</span></a> of <a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">The Wrestling Blog</span></a>, and <a href="http://garciansmith.tumblr.com/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Garcian Smith</span></a>. Be sure to check out all of their respective blogs and Twitters and what have yous.</span><br /><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Before I get started, I'd like to point out that <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/7811986211/raw-review-07-18-11"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">the last Raw I reviewed</span></a> was the one that followed Money In The Bank (you know, the PPV where CM Punk made the WWE Title interesting again). It was a happier time. Proceed with caution.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">MONDAY NIGHT <span style="color:#ff0200;">RAW</span> 11/07/11</p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; "><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPvyhgQyLq-BWTssp26pK4zEbik7c3uR2P95C-BQAoWn1ncuPubF6r2Y0up7FKAEJzgJkY34urG2LX7dbhYk2U1pUmfkmTP2l3UObLg0ImsiSieyFDg5h7qhi7hKLlywrX9n7YFgL1wng/s1600/dolphvdolphjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPvyhgQyLq-BWTssp26pK4zEbik7c3uR2P95C-BQAoWn1ncuPubF6r2Y0up7FKAEJzgJkY34urG2LX7dbhYk2U1pUmfkmTP2l3UObLg0ImsiSieyFDg5h7qhi7hKLlywrX9n7YFgL1wng/s400/dolphvdolphjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673487434352154418" style="cursor: pointer; width: 383px; height: 371px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">LIKED...</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana">DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I love when wrestlers wrestle something other than another wrestler. You might be familiar with Shawn Michaels vs. A Ladder from WrestleMania X. Or maybe Kota Ibushi vs. YOSHIHIKO (a blow-up doll) from DDT. Even Triple H vs. A Broomstick from that time Triple H said that and everyone loled. Now you can add Dolph Ziggler vs. Dolph Ziggler to that list.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Or at least I can. Mainly because I've managed to selectively un-see John Morrison. You know <a href="http://thedailywh.at/2011/11/09/optical-illusion-of-the-day-11/"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">that optical illusion where you focus on a cross in the centre of an image and the rest of the image fades away</span></a>? That's like me with Dolph Ziggler (the cross) and John Morrison (the rest of the image). I just watch Dolph Ziggler ragdoll bump like a goddamned psychopath, and I manage to un-see John Morrison toppling lifelessly through the second rope. I also don't have to see him hold his neck and grimace ever again. Come join me in this JoMo-less world.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Also, at this point I sincerely feel like Ziggler vs. YOSHIHIKO would be better than Triple H vs. anyone (aside from maybe a broomstick).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana">NATALYA'S BROWN-NOTE BARITONE</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Aside from Kelly's hilarious "eeeehhhhhh" face--</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; "><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixRGYzllVtTnCYndfJYdsvRArD4Yjz_D6RiDUqO2GU3iJOD3WvwWHe8YSA6T6cz746GawkNXhvEhchkWrlChmBdH8s-ngtbegqt7Vdx0LMhqjDMyZUy_gMhcf5smV-JJ2FTd5MUh9p1Vg/s1600/kellyehhjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixRGYzllVtTnCYndfJYdsvRArD4Yjz_D6RiDUqO2GU3iJOD3WvwWHe8YSA6T6cz746GawkNXhvEhchkWrlChmBdH8s-ngtbegqt7Vdx0LMhqjDMyZUy_gMhcf5smV-JJ2FTd5MUh9p1Vg/s400/kellyehhjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673487439938956930" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 214px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">--and how little confidence even Kelly had in her "National Geographic" line, Natalya stole that entire segment with the scariest, boomiest out-of-nowhere delivery of "YOU'RE GONNA CRY KELLY YOU'RE GONNA CRY YOU MUTT". Holy fuck that scared me. And then Eve's Virgin Radio bumper music hit.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">That music is the least run-in-able-to music of all-time. It's too danceable. I will only support this theme if Usher starts managing Eve (which you know would be awesome).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana">JOHNNY ACE'S IDLE THREATS</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;"><a href="http://twitter.com/MrBrandonStroud">Brandon Stroud</a></span> of <a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/tag/best-and-worst-of-raw"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">With Leather's Best And Worst of WWE Raw</span></a> has already tackled this subtle moment of hilarity:</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>"Alberto Del Rio attacked CM Punk (from behind) (because he deserved it), and somehow the best part of it all was Mr. John Laurinaitis, Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, chastising him from the background. "Stop this right now!" "I'm not going to tell you again!" And the cherry on top, "AIGHT DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET". Amazing. I love the idea that Laurinaitis is this backstabbing twerp, but when he takes of his blazer the mullet comes down and he starts dropkicking."</i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">And I feel like there's no way I (nor anyone) can add to that. Bottom line is that so far my favourite parts of this show were the way two people said really inconsequential things, and Dolph Ziggler wrestling himself. Fuck me.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>Honourable Mention:</i> Alberto Del Rio is the WWE Champion, and everyone else? DEY DON MATTIR</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Things you miss if you fast-forward Alberto Del Rio's promos</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color:#2900ee;"><span style="color:#000000;">- <a href="http://i.imgur.com/1fDus.gif"><span style="text-decoration: underline">hilarious reaction faces</span></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">- the way he says pretty much any word (one of my favourites: "John Cena, I hope you get <i>fire</i>.")</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">- Ricardo Rodriguez</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">- children throwing popcorn at him</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color:#2900ee;"><span style="color:#000000;">- <a href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_luafb2dK1X1r2haj4o1_500.gif"><span style="text-decoration: underline">winking</span></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">- Ricardo Rodriguez</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; color:#2900ee;"><span style="color:#000000;">- <a href="http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lucusbJ0NV1qg7p9ao1_500.png"><span style="text-decoration: underline">you wouldn't miss this but it's a hilarious picture</span></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">- Ricardo Rodriguez</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">MONDAY NIGHT <span style="color:#ff0200;">RAW</span> 11/07/11</p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; min-height: 14px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; "><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk-GsdL6kggB6tytUYH5LsPs4VsZWOOhFvQSP9Y5pioOUnoYY8WdJJCTzhuS0gDmSmy9I9BT6CvBzQvvbvzBJvET1fowJUzkZiV754m449YIQ641QBgwh1X0k2ZBEMSirTSF2jj_Yfzdc/s1600/nashexplainjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk-GsdL6kggB6tytUYH5LsPs4VsZWOOhFvQSP9Y5pioOUnoYY8WdJJCTzhuS0gDmSmy9I9BT6CvBzQvvbvzBJvET1fowJUzkZiV754m449YIQ641QBgwh1X0k2ZBEMSirTSF2jj_Yfzdc/s400/nashexplainjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5673487437634235922" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 242px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 24px/normal Verdana; ">DISLIKED...</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana">KEVIN NASH TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HELPLESS CHILDREN</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Man, couldn't have been a worse time to make a "taking advantage of you like a helpless child" metaphor, eh Kev?</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">There is a buttload of hilarious subtext to this feud. Well, basically each guy has said one funny thing that points to them having sex with each other, but still. I like to pretend that Nash is just making all of these insider shoot references to distract us from the <i>true</i> insider references he's slipping in there: Kevin Nash broke Triple H's heart by taking advantage of him like a helpless child.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">What's more offensive than Kevin Nash molesting (or terra-ryzing? lol) Triple H is how many times I've had to watch Kevin Nash RETURN and EXPLAIN HIS ACTIONS. Mattel needs to release a new Kevin Nash action figure with a ripcord that triggers a "FIRST OF ALL" sound-byte. God DAMNIT KEVIN. Just stay here or leave forever and never explain why you did something. I don't care if you DDT Scott Stanford and throw up a new hand sign (perhaps a fluttering bird) for an imaginary stable. Never explain yourself. Just keep going on about your Big Sexy business, doing whatever it is that you do and never explaining it, and it'll be ONE BILLION times better than your sentence fragment old-person-shouting promo from Monday.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana">PIG AND TITANIC COMMENTARY</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I'll let the commentary speak for itself. Here's a small excerpt from Santino vs. Swagger:</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> If you wanna beat someone you should go challenge a fourth grader. JR's gonna…. stomp you.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> JR can't move. He waddles around the ring. You don't even know what the challenge is.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> Oh is it gonna be wrestling? Is that what you're gonna do? You're gonna fight the guy?</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> Hey maybe you know it could be an intellectual challenge, I'd kill him on that. I'm a Mensa. He's, what uh, I don't know... he's from Oklahoma.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> … … Mensa?</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> You know although if we had a pig calling contest he'd beat me in that. SOOEY SOOEY.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> Okay Cole. Quit doing that with Vickie here.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> <i>[uncontrollable snorting laughter]</i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> Now I hear pigs grunting.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> <i>[continued snorting]</i> uh now look at Swagger</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">…</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> This is some city here, you know what Liverpool's known for? As uh--</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> Nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> --well nothing, but actually where the company that built the Titanic was located. <i>[laughter]</i> Too bad JR wasn't on the Titanic on it's way over here OH THAT'S RIGHT HE DIDN'T MAKE IT</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> If JR was on the Titanic the iceberg would've sunk.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> He'd be a one man life raft for the entire ship.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>King:</b> You're gonna be hoping for a life raft next week.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>Cole:</b> Look at Swagger</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>Match ends.</i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana">R-TRUTH IS WHIFFLE BALL TONY</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">This doesn't have as much to do with this episode of Raw as much as it does with R-Truth in general: I can't get into it.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">He's funny, he does ridiculous shit that makes me slap my knees until they're raw (lol pun), he's got The Miz by his side making the most irritating trollfaces a person can muster, but I still don't see him as a guy that wins matches. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Mike Birbiglia does a bit about George Bush and how he's like Wiffle Ball Tony, but I think it applies to R-Truth too:</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>"I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. He's the kind of guy you invite to the barbecue because you know he's gonna start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Like 'Yeah! Whiffle Ball Tony's here! All right! It is SO ON!' And then one day someone's like, 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of </i>everything<i>.' And I'm like 'We are? The burgers </i>and<i> the potato salad? I don't know if that's such a good idea…'"</i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Y'know? He's hilarious, but should he also be winning things and being portrayed as a threat (because he did a sneak attack that somehow warranted being handcuffed [and a handcuff beatdown from big boss H] and fired) and getting to be a part of the biggest match on PPV since anything ever forever Never Before Never Again Never Give Up Never Going Away Again?!</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I don't know. Sometimes I wish he just <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.com/2010/04/ron-r-truth-killings-1972-2010.html"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">stayed dead</span></a>.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>Honourable Mention:</i> John Cena's Raw Rebound Gimmick</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">It's been happening forever, but sometimes I can't hold back the urge to yell about it on the Internet. I can't stand John Cena's gimmick of going out to the ring to record audio for the next video package. Can't you just do it in a soundbooth somewhere? How badly do you need to save time where you're cutting a promo AND obviously just filling in the audio blanks for the Survivor Series intro video. It's infuriating.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Just one time I want him to come out and say "THIS SEASON, ON WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW" and then throw to a video of all the John Cena feuds to come this year.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 24.0px Verdana">CANT TELL - JACK SWAGGER EYE TWITCH</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I have no idea how I feel about Jack Swagger trying to get an eye twitch over. I'll let you know how I feel after Raw gets Dwayne'd next week.</p>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-32666350653039339932011-11-07T14:00:00.005-05:002011-11-07T14:17:51.915-05:00THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS RECRUITING DOUCHEBAGS<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">EVERYONE RUN</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Verdana; min-height: 16px; "><iframe width="410" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/InLZ_uvzD4A" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Verdana; min-height: 16px; "><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Holy fucking goddamn shit. He's right. The word "intensity" doesn't even <i>begin</i> to describe the epic life-changing event that I experienced when I heard him say his passion in life was "FUCKING PASSION!!!!!"</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">This video is jam-packed with gibberish, where Warrior tells you to start building your "wall of bodies" (start killing people?!) but also to politely disagree with someone if you don't agree with them (harsh, but fair). The Ghost of Warriors Past also makes several unexplained appearances. Sometimes he's writhing around silently, other times he appears over his own shoulder just looking around at stuff. It's weird. You have to watch this.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Matt Hardy, the ball of utter lunacy is in your court.</p>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-56191571168047600392011-11-02T22:03:00.018-04:002011-11-03T15:45:35.498-04:00MARK HENRY 2010 VS. MARK HENRY 2011<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px; ">The years 1995-2009 haven't been very kind to Mark Henry. To summarize, here are his highlights:</span><br /><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>1995:</b> Wins <span style="text-decoration: line-through">gold</span> silver in the <span style="text-decoration: line-through">Olympic</span> Pan American Games.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>1999:</b> <span style="text-decoration: line-through">Wins</span> is awarded the <span style="text-decoration: line-through">Intercontinental</span> European Championship by <span style="text-decoration: line-through">someone cool </span>Jeff Jarrett.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>1999-2008:</b> Ten years of nothing goes by.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>2008:</b> Wins the ECW Championship. 70 days later he lost it to Matt Hardy.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>2009:</b> Befriended MVP.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">WOW what a glowing resume.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Now, if you haven't been paying attention lately, you might assume that things are just the same with Mark Henry. Still treading water, still friends with MVP, still showing up whenever Teddy Long says "you'll be facing... THIS MAN" (he was doing that <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.com/2011/01/mark-mystery-opponent-henry.html"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">mystery opponent gimmick</span></a> for a while).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">That, however, isn't the case.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">I'll let you down slowly. Mark Henry is (wait for it) no longer friends with MVP. Breathe.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Also, Mark Henry is the champion of the fucking WORLD and is suddenly untouchable. Yes. <i>This</i> Mark Henry.</p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Verdana; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; "><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3meX8PGpPv3lkUYX_N3LDw0ULJM3D-woS19kWr5GRQSppi3IlLxSYdcpoxfVXEFlaffPbfZ3DMwnb0GQFtqtnE4PbrgTv4fJ-3AwjBzkT3TfnI-Zx2hGtpEektbSFNT4HL0G6gt8TgfY/s1600/tumblr_lm6eq142Bu1qetjf6o1_400.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3meX8PGpPv3lkUYX_N3LDw0ULJM3D-woS19kWr5GRQSppi3IlLxSYdcpoxfVXEFlaffPbfZ3DMwnb0GQFtqtnE4PbrgTv4fJ-3AwjBzkT3TfnI-Zx2hGtpEektbSFNT4HL0G6gt8TgfY/s400/tumblr_lm6eq142Bu1qetjf6o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670857625791945202" style="cursor: pointer; width: 360px; height: 360px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 16.0px Verdana; min-height: 19.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">And <i>this</i> Mark Henry.</p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Verdana; "><iframe width="410" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/N7empWMPH0E" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 16.0px Verdana; min-height: 19.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">And <b><i>this</i></b> Mark Henry.</p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Verdana; "><iframe width="410" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/bXcfQzOSh1M" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 16.0px Verdana; min-height: 19.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">The fact that I could keep linking videos until I run out of Internet is a testament to how crazy it is to see Mark Henry as World Champion right now. Somehow, the World's Strongest 40 year old has gone from a professional wrestling sex addict to World Heavyweight Champion in twelve short years. I don't know how he did it. But, you can see the signs of the turnaround as early as January of this year.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Let's take a look at Mark Henry 2010 vs. Mark Henry 2011, month by month, and see what's changed and how he's improved:</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>ROYAL RUMBLE 2010: </b>Eliminated by R-Truth in the Royal Rumble in 2:24.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>ROYAL RUMBLE 2011: </b>Eliminated by New Nexus in 7:04.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved: </i>It took three more guys and four minutes and forty seconds longer for him to get eliminated. Baby steps, Mark. Baby steps.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2010: </b>Lost to Ted DiBiase in an Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match on Raw; accompanied MVP to the ring just to watch him lose on PPV.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2011:</b> Did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> Doing nothing is obviously better.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>WRESTLEMANIA XXVI:</b> Lost a dark match 26-Man Battle Royal to Yoshi Tatsu.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>WRESTLEMANIA XXVII:</b> Lost a dark match 23-Man Battle Royal to Great Khali.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> Khali is taller and wider than Yoshi Tatsu.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>EXTREME RULES 2010:</b> Lost a Tag Team Gauntlet Non-Title Match with MVP; he also <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdJ36n5_xkI"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">hit Buzz Aldrin with a steel chair</span></a> around then.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>EXTREME RULES 2011: </b>Did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> Doing nothing is still obviously better, although heinously attacking an 81 year old American hero sounds like something 2011 Mark Henry would do.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>OVER THE LIMIT 2010:</b> Did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>OVER THE LIMIT 2011:</b> STILL did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> It looks like he broke even. However, seeing as this year's Over The Limit featured a Michael Cole/Jerry Lawler "Kiss My Foot" match, Daniel Bryan wrestling the dark match, and CM Punk teaming with Mason Ryan in a losing effort against Kane and the Big Show, being on this show can only be a detriment to Mark Henry as a wrestler. So, it turns out, still better than last year.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>FATAL 4-WAY 2010: </b>Did nothing. Also this month, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSvDKIc0ekw"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">he forgot how chasing works</span></a>.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>CAPITOL PUNISHMENT 2011: </b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_x8wCFdvPE"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Obliterated the Big Show</span></a> (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=occWCivFpZc"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">twice</span></a>); entered BEAST MODE; Hall of Pain est. June 19th, 2011.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> By committing gianticide.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>MONEY IN THE BANK 2010: </b>Lost the Money In The Bank Ladder Match to The Miz.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>MONEY IN THE BANK 2011:</b> Cleanly defeated the Big Show; Henry-lized the Big Show; made Big Show say "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db3QOZTJRlI#t=9m35s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">AWWGHWHGUUHFFHG FUCK</span></a>"; didn't talk about having sex with his sister or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LePC_iYrPk0#t=3m20s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">make-out with a tranny</span></a> or be given anything by Jeff Jarrett or anything gross and weird like that.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved: </i>I feel like I don't need this part anymore.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>SUMMERSLAM 2010:</b> Did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>SUMMERSLAM 2011:</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWrIAMuKNdA"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Murdered the Great White Sheamus through a barricade</span></a> to prove that he is the Great Black Mark; <a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/2011/10/mark-henry-impressive-even-to-pwg.html"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">impressed Joey Ryan</span></a> (I think his hilarious reaction was actually just planting the seeds for a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I82et3CZtbQ#t=0m28s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">Mark Henry/Joey Blalock rematch</span></a>).</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> Last year he wasn't on the show at all. Not even the dark match. He was barely even on Raw that month. This year he broke a steel barricade by using a person.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2010:</b> Lost a Tag Team Turmoil Match with Evan Bourne.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2011:</b> Defeated Acclaimed Wrestling Match Winner Randy Orton to become World Heavyweight Champion.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> Just to make sure you understand - Becoming World Heavyweight Champion by cleanly beating Randy Orton (with no match restarting tomfoolery, no "if I kick your nuts I win your title" stipulations, Kevin Nash didn't even show up, nothing); Losing a tag team match with Evan Bourne.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>HELL IN A CELL 2010:</b> Did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>HELL IN A CELL 2011:</b> Defeated Acclaimed Hell In A Celler Feller Randy Orton to retain his World Heavyweight Championship.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><i>How he improved:</i> Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View once, shame on him. Beat Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title cleanly on Pay-Per-View twice... you... <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKgPY1adc0A"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#2900ee;">can't get fooled again</span></a> <span style="text-decoration: line-through">can't shoot the shooter</span> you... ... uh... NO ONE DOES THAT</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>BRAGGING RIGHTS 2010:</b> Did nothing, but he was on the poster, tucked behind John Cena, Randy Orton, The Miz and Evan Bourne.</p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Verdana; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; "><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoPIpT0HJszExcZzbvDtJkdIVa_Q2IRWuobaSfv3rUMymtPbjj2iHiXAz_z6VOb5-B-o2hIoG_TO-J_lybFXSE-jYABMJc5ps2qCzmgAsREohyphenhyphenym-UYgt4fTMXBOTLU-U_PDwJg70Pts/s1600/WWE-Bragging-Rights-580x633.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoPIpT0HJszExcZzbvDtJkdIVa_Q2IRWuobaSfv3rUMymtPbjj2iHiXAz_z6VOb5-B-o2hIoG_TO-J_lybFXSE-jYABMJc5ps2qCzmgAsREohyphenhyphenym-UYgt4fTMXBOTLU-U_PDwJg70Pts/s400/WWE-Bragging-Rights-580x633.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670857628674791410" style="cursor: pointer; width: 367px; height: 400px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>VENGEANCE 2011:</b> Literally exploded the ring with a wrestling move to end his match (this, I'm certain, was the first time this has ever happened); <i>WAS</i> THE POSTER.</p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 13px/normal Verdana; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; "><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjz6XtP_TRr7Bxht80oZkmm9QBppnTRu6Ce39LtljY0mkLKpNcpFdZgLvMDpASYUiXNiRsqvvy2ceO_mraPia-BHKwu8WajRmh8aRto5XSAfaRCwZdqyfDVCRkD6RNNAusdSzpTHJ2c4Q/s1600/WWE-Vengeance-2011-Poster-Wallpaper.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjz6XtP_TRr7Bxht80oZkmm9QBppnTRu6Ce39LtljY0mkLKpNcpFdZgLvMDpASYUiXNiRsqvvy2ceO_mraPia-BHKwu8WajRmh8aRto5XSAfaRCwZdqyfDVCRkD6RNNAusdSzpTHJ2c4Q/s400/WWE-Vengeance-2011-Poster-Wallpaper.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5670857629388955922" style="cursor: pointer; width: 216px; height: 360px; " /></a></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">Now we're entering uncharted Mark Henry 2011 territory, so I will predict the end of his Pay-Per-View year.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>SURVIVOR SERIES 2010:</b> Did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>SURVIVOR SERIES 2011: </b>Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship cleanly; will go back in time and trade bodies with the Undertaker and Tombstone Hulk Hogan on a steel chair, but actually hit his fucking head on it this time; shout "IF I GOTTA TIME MACHINE Y'ALL GONNA FEAR CLOCKS AT NIGHT" or something.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>TLC 2010:</b> Did nothing.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana"><b>TLC 2011:</b> Will retain his World Heavyweight Championship in a TLC Match cleanly; will resurrect Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes to reunite TLC to perform his exit music; conceives child with at least one member of TLC (a callback to his sex addict days); splits the wig of at least one member of TLC; shouts "DON'T GO CHASIN' WATERFALLS BECAUSE I'M THE RIVERBOAT CAPTAIN AND I'M CHARGIN' DOUBLE FOR AQUA ASS WHOOPINS EAT A REEF" to no one.</p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana; min-height: 16.0px"><br /></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 13.0px Verdana">What does 2012 hold for Mark Henry? I say he treads water no longer. He should either keep escalating his reign of terror and starts wrestling shirtless with mysterious scars all over his body all of a sudden, and he grows his hair and beard out until he's barely recognizable any longer. Or, he has to go back to being a complete sexual deviant and start telling Evan Bourne he's got a pretty laugh.</p>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-22209189089912067652011-10-28T16:54:00.007-04:002011-10-28T17:13:37.170-04:00FUNNIEST SHIT OF ALL TIME: HAWKAMANIA <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">My buddy Mike showed me this. It wouldn't be fair to keep such glorious things as Road Warrior Hawk talking about his hamster and stroking Jim Neidhart's beard to myself. SCARY HUH GENE</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><iframe width="410" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/grNQQKEfJ7U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">No one gets me fired up like Hawk. He can make complete gibberish sound threatening, and not in an Ultimate Warrior way, because his gibberish was never threatening. It was a different kind of gibberish. Space gibberish. Hawk's is real life fucking street gibberish. You don't entirely know what he means when he says it, but you know that if you piledrive him, he'll stand right back up and break your arms, or at the very least dump Henry Godwinn on his head.</span></div></div>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-55994831628249574162011-10-26T13:24:00.005-04:002011-10-26T14:24:58.066-04:00SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI - TITLE FOR TITLE, CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION, THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE, SUNDAY AFTERNOON<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Hello! And welcome back to my wrestling blogging website, which apparently only has content once a season that recaps whatever happened while I was gone for that time. I'm sorry I leave you so often, sweet blog. You still love me, right? Why don't we make love anymore? WHATS HIS NAME?</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">So I'm back again. But let's be honest, I'll probably be gone tomorrow and you won't see me 'til Since I've Been Gone VII - Adrian's Revenge.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:85%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTrb7fzGHC5VHmBazQfW4N5NVjELml-DPUHWUVgWJXaxnIn2-MSYdscglJgrFTbyql4SRkXQrVp9XmnleavrBX2aWnZSUTTtNLExBOiIWjgFj_lmL8vRTRz2Q8C4wlQRzFBG1flEiACqxb/s1600/jracehugjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTrb7fzGHC5VHmBazQfW4N5NVjELml-DPUHWUVgWJXaxnIn2-MSYdscglJgrFTbyql4SRkXQrVp9XmnleavrBX2aWnZSUTTtNLExBOiIWjgFj_lmL8vRTRz2Q8C4wlQRzFBG1flEiACqxb/s400/jracehugjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667626134480254098" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 222px; " /></a></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;"><strike>I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME</strike> WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">So after five of these recaps, you might remember that I tend to miss something big while I'm gone. Miz cashing in, WrestleMania XXVII, a nude <strike><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWX4GUYGQXQ">Tayne</a></strike> John Cena, y'know the important stuff. This time around, I think I caused the thing I missed:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">MATT HARDY</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:85%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS2w8GmWc19YhXu-E3jd1bdZFrc1V3MoBHpgWLj6_4RnRZJJ8m98ZMP7AzQxwqsXd3k6rubVOuFc6CmZucOsDDxwgvMLey4RKAnKBvlICtVV1QrkCF18ELh4dcn3LzaYLv-jV1q765FS3W/s1600/matthardyinsanefacejpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS2w8GmWc19YhXu-E3jd1bdZFrc1V3MoBHpgWLj6_4RnRZJJ8m98ZMP7AzQxwqsXd3k6rubVOuFc6CmZucOsDDxwgvMLey4RKAnKBvlICtVV1QrkCF18ELh4dcn3LzaYLv-jV1q765FS3W/s400/matthardyinsanefacejpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667625766073503170" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 219px; " /></a></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">OUT-CRAZY'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">WOW. BUDDY. Okay, um, Matt. I want to talk to Matt. Not Matthew. Is Matt in there? No Matt? Only Zuul?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Okay, Zuul, remember in my <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.com/2011/08/since-ive-been-gone-v-wtf-thought-i-was.html">last blog</a> how I gave you a Coach Taylor pep talk on how you can't let the Ultimate Warrior out-crazy you, and you need to get out there and be the best idiot you can be?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><i>"I think [the Ultimate Warrior] showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.</i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><i>You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you." - <b>Me, August 17th, 2011</b></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Remember when I said that?! DUDE I thought you were just going to post a video of you masturbating to your own action figure or something! I didn't think you'd actually take my advice to heart! You don't <i>need </i>to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior or nude Cena, you're your <i>own</i> crazy idiot and that's okay! Whatever happened to grapes? I thought they were the best thing ever?! STICK TO THE GRAPES MATT</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Suicide videos and angel blood and DUIs aren't wrestling-crazy; they're <i>actual</i>-crazy. I just wanted you to take my rallying speech and go slip on a banana peel and make me laugh. But no, all you heard was CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS CAN'T LOSE GO CRAZY VEEE ONEAHHHHHH BE WELL AND UNTIL THEN</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">KEVIN NASH</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:85%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsMCHXoi-_ftsxuNceBOcXgChoCoowbcCoA3vJYP3eGcpcbif-Y-mFi3HEDKXR0XhwRhW4aybG7o5sPlLsPnUeNOlU07rd7JaibB6w8c1IzofnccnoGL3XQn8pSA40XdWAJoUbFNPxKiKx/s1600/nashfiredjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsMCHXoi-_ftsxuNceBOcXgChoCoowbcCoA3vJYP3eGcpcbif-Y-mFi3HEDKXR0XhwRhW4aybG7o5sPlLsPnUeNOlU07rd7JaibB6w8c1IzofnccnoGL3XQn8pSA40XdWAJoUbFNPxKiKx/s400/nashfiredjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667626133438853826" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 240px; " /></a></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">HAS AN OLD PERSON MOMENT AND TEXTS HIMSELF</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">A large part of me wishes that Kevin Nash texted himself from his <i>own</i> phone and has actually been at home this whole time, and what we've been seeing on TV every Monday since SummerSlam is the maniacal fantasies inside Kevin Nash's mind as he's at home playing with his wrestling toys on his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa. It'd be like the movie Identity (if anyone saw that and can replace the fat mental patient with Big Daddy Cool Diesel). That would at least explain what's been happening over the past few weeks.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">So I know I've been gone for a while, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is how I see Kevin Nash's return to the WWE thus far:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Returns at Royal Rumble, doesn't pull anything, takes that as a sign to make a full comeback</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Thinks about it for half a year (presumably in his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Texts himself "omg cm punk wtf you're dead lol"</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- "Sticks" CM Punk (his hilarious words, not mine)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Thinks he made wrestling cool again by saying things like "hit the weights" and "get a clue" to CM Punk</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Got into a pretend car accident</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Got spotted by security cameras texting himself (embarrassing)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Got hired by John Laurinaitis</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Was put into a match against CM Punk by Triple H</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Was replaced in the match against CM Punk by Triple H with Triple H</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Was punched by Triple H and fired by Triple H</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Tried to attack Triple H in the Triple H vs. CM Punk matches at Night of Champions, got sledge'd by Triple H and Triple H pinned CM Punk</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Attacked Triple H at Vengeance</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Attacked Triple H on Raw</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Triple H Triple H Triple H Triple Triple H</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- Triple HHHHHHHHHHHHHH Triple HHHHHHH</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHH</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- HHHHHH Triple H</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- HHHHHHHHHHH</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Soooo... yeah. At least CM Punk remained cool through all of this.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">But then again, who the fuck would, when Triple H literally replaces the guy you're feuding with with himself so he can beat you, and STILL smash the guy you were feuding with in the face, and then go on to fight the guy you were feuding with while you team with Triple H and you're the one getting pinned in your tag team match holy goddamned what the serious fuck.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">WWE SUBTLY STATES IT'S OPINION ON OCCUPY WALL STREET</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:85%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQU3-bqy7m29y7qtaFLXlCfIFEnEnFAKBU_7drjxA9p3Juo487JwjBNhNvtr-1jOZKE2y-IoN2KGSRMa71D4vDumk3o3wjW9KCV7benrTc9a6bN6Kw3CORXYpZMxk1rF9Xdkc-FknBZZaL/s1600/hhhpunkoccupywwejpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQU3-bqy7m29y7qtaFLXlCfIFEnEnFAKBU_7drjxA9p3Juo487JwjBNhNvtr-1jOZKE2y-IoN2KGSRMa71D4vDumk3o3wjW9KCV7benrTc9a6bN6Kw3CORXYpZMxk1rF9Xdkc-FknBZZaL/s400/hhhpunkoccupywwejpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667625776434437586" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 222px; " /></a></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">SUBTLETY STILL NOT WWE'S STRONG SUIT</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Hey, I wonder what WWE thinks of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I wonder if they support it, or if think everyone is a big annoying pussy for standing up against oh why would I even finish this thought. I find it completely MIND BLOWING that they would bury their entire roster (save for Triple H who, if you have never seen WWE, is REALLY AWESOME) in favour of making a shitty statement against protesters. If you haven't already, read Razor (of Kick-Out!! Wrestling)'s Fair To Flair <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/11326044939/wwe-are-the-1">article on the subject</a>.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">MARK HENRY AND BIG SHOW EXPLODE THE RING</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:85%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWg8Iy-euseGNALLe8TeM-LUlxkmO-BkLPMAENNtZF_jCADx7NsoHxI1EoTXT-afqYfxRaxkm32gDpyZWhF2I30r4VfeCy0w2ZBPDE6H_xdo4qYdh0xPtCMVcPn1BUEIRYAkinvgl5wnOI/s1600/bigshowhenryringjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWg8Iy-euseGNALLe8TeM-LUlxkmO-BkLPMAENNtZF_jCADx7NsoHxI1EoTXT-afqYfxRaxkm32gDpyZWhF2I30r4VfeCy0w2ZBPDE6H_xdo4qYdh0xPtCMVcPn1BUEIRYAkinvgl5wnOI/s400/bigshowhenryringjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667625778183332338" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 232px; " /></a></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">The instant Mark Henry and Big Show hit the canvas and smashed the ring into <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.com/2010/05/words-i-would-never-have-known-if-it.html">obliteratitry</a>, the internet smashed itself into obliteratitry by shouting about Brock Lesnar and Big Show already breaking the ring eight years ago. This is a classic case of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simpsons_Already_Did_It">The Simpsons Already Did It</a>, as told by South Park.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Because the WWE has been around for *checks watch* fucking ever, they've done everything. In fact, the entire business of wrestling used to be based on doing the exact same thing night-in, night-out in a different city every day (twice on Sundays © Ric Flair). But now, because the WWE is a global brand on TV in over 38796 countries (did you know?) unleashing anywhere from 6-12 hours of BRAND NEW programming every insufferable week, things kind of end up repeating once you do that for over fifty years (the revolutionary force in sports entertainment).</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">By the way, not only did Brock Lesnar and Big Show ALREADY explode the ring eight years ago, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Kz3K755gvU">I'm pretty sure Kevin Nash has hit Triple H with a sledgehammer before</a>. If exploding the ring is the point you're going to raise in support of "WWE has no new ideas" you are weird.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">FURTHERMORE, if two people that weigh as much as Brock Lesnar and Big Show <i>combined</i> broke the ring with a superplex, then that ring better fucking explode when Big Show and Mark Henry do the same thing. If anything we should be praising WWE for establishing something eight years ago and following through on it. Ha?</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">FAIR TO FLAIR QUARTERLY #2</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:85%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizH-L5zkllG8BCS1W2_NfnbGx_NlXrqEk50C_nVtSORi4uo1MEm79bmQAf2r7nFJuu4470lpF4CR8dMwHD9ggjTm9M9AnCLHVviEtc5o585_JPW1S3JqGu4FBjf7dxJlLsuAY1jydHRAHp/s1600/tumblr_lt4plcN4ks1qgi82do1_500.png" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizH-L5zkllG8BCS1W2_NfnbGx_NlXrqEk50C_nVtSORi4uo1MEm79bmQAf2r7nFJuu4470lpF4CR8dMwHD9ggjTm9M9AnCLHVviEtc5o585_JPW1S3JqGu4FBjf7dxJlLsuAY1jydHRAHp/s400/tumblr_lt4plcN4ks1qgi82do1_500.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667625772795626754" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 306px; " /></a></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">NOW OUT!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">I can't do my first post in two months and not mention <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/">Fair To Flair</a>. The second issue, which Jason Mann and I previewed a few months ago in <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/7215078550/fair-to-flair-show-no-7-live-tonight-you-sold-out">this podcast</a>, is <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/11496927546/the-second-issue-of-fair-to-flair-quarterly-is-all">now available to order in both physical and digital formats</a>. AND you can also preview the articles that make up the new Quarterly by going <a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/11496927546/the-second-issue-of-fair-to-flair-quarterly-is-all">here</a>. I, once again, am not a part of this one, but wholeheartedly support it.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">FTF has also expanded to include <a href="http://garciansmith.tumblr.com/">Garcian Smith</a> (hey!). And one day I'll show up there again! Holy crap I've been gone forever.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">DAVID OTUNGA GETS NEW GIMMICK</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><iframe width="410" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/LLFb4WEA9H4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">AND A THERMAL COFFEE MUG</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">This is only important because he is hilarious. BOWTIE</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">ALSO</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:85%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6uoSzbXHhvzshBYdpSA9fYGbJISrvf_iFtMvj6L_BKPoORbarzHZl1DpvzFsAVUwhV8zIOsYxoIHOQkNvnQQ3B7267HJ0kPCU6oYUFi-JB4E7Vd9XC-1Mv5DVkvqW-CYzrfa1r1c0-sLy/s1600/evilcarajpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6uoSzbXHhvzshBYdpSA9fYGbJISrvf_iFtMvj6L_BKPoORbarzHZl1DpvzFsAVUwhV8zIOsYxoIHOQkNvnQQ3B7267HJ0kPCU6oYUFi-JB4E7Vd9XC-1Mv5DVkvqW-CYzrfa1r1c0-sLy/s400/evilcarajpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667625768198391026" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 222px; " /></a></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:180%;">OTHER THINGS</span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">Considering my last post was August 17th, I've missed like 90 hours (barely exaggerating) of WWE TV. And that doesn't even count other promotions, OR things that don't happen on-screen, which means I've missed A LOT. Like Cody Rhodes bringing back the classic Intercontinental Title or ROH's debut TV show or Raw becoming a SuperShow or Smackdown remaining a Normalshow or Super Dragon returning or Teddy Hart <a href="http://www.lordsofpain.net/news/Teddy_Hart_Says_He_s_Training_Animals_To_Wrestle.html">inventing a promotion that is exactly like the kind of promotion Teddy Hart would invent</a> or the WWE launching a cable network in like five months or James Storm winning the TNA Title or TNA still being a thing or Jim Ross being humiliated (hey another thing the <strike>Simpsons</strike> WWE already did) or <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/TheRealMorrison/status/129081796943036416">John Morrison almost certainly tweeting about his plan to masturbate</a> or Evil Sin Cara or Camo Big Show or Rise Above Hate Anti-Bully Bully John Cena or Wax Undertaker or Chocolate Kane or Cyborg Alex Riley okay I'm making some of these up but I missed <a href="http://a.yfrog.com/img740/6941/aj0jhn.jpg">SO MANY THINGS</a>. <a href="http://a.yfrog.com/img859/1232/nfyqs.jpg">SO MANY</a>.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;">See you in fourteen months or whenever.</span></div>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-40897313000263180422011-08-17T13:22:00.005-04:002011-08-17T17:42:39.813-04:00SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE V - WTF THOUGHT I WAS DEAD LOL EDITION<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Hello anyone who has stuck with me despite my sporadic, lengthy and unexplained disappearances. If you continue to read my blog (or <a href="http://pizzabodyslam.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a> or <a href="http://twitter.com/pizzabodyslam">Twitter</a> or anything I do on <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/">Fair To Flair</a>) even after I abandon it for weeks upon weeks of International super-benders, you are my hero and I thank you. But, I can't promise it won't happen again. I could up and leave at anytime. I'm like your step dad. Unless if you have a step dad that really does leave you all the time. In that case, I'm something less offensive. Because I'd never really leave you! I love you! C'mon, let's go have a catch.</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But then after that I gotta go out for smokes (don't wait up). Love you!</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAGQLSJtmu9KW9y3e5VH8_XT1H4HtLGPbCaib1sZGwYjSakH0kg43YrultGKnAseXnifGjgngd_qi7xbbW3IpldKlZ2KEUcGktUJGgx89FhtRUyS2orLgo74QTEYkTfBW9gpa4qgcUiNaR/s1600/nashpunkssjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAGQLSJtmu9KW9y3e5VH8_XT1H4HtLGPbCaib1sZGwYjSakH0kg43YrultGKnAseXnifGjgngd_qi7xbbW3IpldKlZ2KEUcGktUJGgx89FhtRUyS2orLgo74QTEYkTfBW9gpa4qgcUiNaR/s400/nashpunkssjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641942625580900130" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 332px; " /></a></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><strike>I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME</strike> WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">During my leave of absence (fifth one, if I counted correctly), as per usual, something HUGE happened and I missed it. For once can't </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">nothing</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> happen while I'm gone? Just send Melina out there to </span></span><a href="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loyq2g0LV31qfc1wv.gif"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">make faces</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> for a few hours, no one will notice a difference. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S FIRED?</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">While I try to accept this tragic loss, let's recap what I missed on my four previous wrestling-less sabbaticals:</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>SIBG 1:</b> Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler, MOTY at Bragging Rights</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>SIBG 2:</b> The Miz cashes in, wins WWE Title</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>SIBG 3:</b> Matt Hardy gets dreadlocks</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>SIBG 4:</b> WrestleMania XXVII</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>SIBG 5:</b> The biggest event of the summer, not without controversy or John Cena putting it all out there for the WWE Universe...</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><strike>SUMMERSLAM 2011</strike> JOHN CENA EXPOSES SELF ON TWITTER</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgrdP496HMqwTgSmp9Hj8oj7Q8sEbhaybBNG3p-vFQio3xMdEMW6ko3wPwQmc1Gma53axQUiIPwsizrYcqeOodAsyQ6QbHr4vBIA-t8VY1Y_vkQlUiHIvuYtO4o41wLy9yNkHpQrkvgoK7/s1600/john+cena+shirtless+tweet.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgrdP496HMqwTgSmp9Hj8oj7Q8sEbhaybBNG3p-vFQio3xMdEMW6ko3wPwQmc1Gma53axQUiIPwsizrYcqeOodAsyQ6QbHr4vBIA-t8VY1Y_vkQlUiHIvuYtO4o41wLy9yNkHpQrkvgoK7/s400/john+cena+shirtless+tweet.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641942621148910626" style="cursor: pointer; width: 253px; height: 400px; " /></a></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">WE CAN ALL SEE YOU NOW EW</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>Photo - John Cena's outbox of shame</i></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Here's the part where I, a grown-up man (as grown-up as a wrestling fan on the Internet can be), talk about John Cena's penis (which conveniently rhymes; I expect him to use it in one of his rapping songs [he still does rap songs, right?]). Well, not really his penis. More like his penis region.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></div><div><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">For those who don't know (and if you don't know, it's probably a testament to your character as a citizen of the world), John Cena tweeted a very sexualized picture of himself (uh, on purpose). It depicts him completely naked in the mirror, with the photo cutting off just before U Can't See his penis.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'm not going to call this appalling or offensive or whatever, but I will give you my first, immediate thought:</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It literally gave me the "heebie jeebies" (eye cancer). </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I just found it so bizarre, ESPECIALLY because it came in a string of tweets where he was answering fans' questions, some of which were asking about a future heel turn. He responded in classic John Cena form by saying, essentially "I am me. I do what I do, and you decide my fate" blah blah blah, where he says he's always the same and it's up to the fans whether they like him or not. Then he tweets a picture of his cock. HE'S GONE FULL HEEL! OR AT LEAST HALF-CHUB HEEL.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The weirdest part about it is how WWE TV and John Cena himself have made a point of letting us know that children love John Cena. Obviously women love Cena too, but it's the children that Cena has literally (</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">literally</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> literally!) defended on television. He's given speeches about how proud he is to be a hero to children and how if kids like him it shouldn't be a detriment to him as a man. This all happened recently. He's a saviour to Little Jimmies everywhere, and maybe he wanted to show us his Little Jimmy I DON'T KNOW. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Let me put it this way. Had Shawn Michaels tweeted a picture of his penis region (or say, posed in </span></span><a href="http://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/25/l_4c1d4a354a044e65828937451dba898d.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Playgirl</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">), I would be totally on board, because he is called a Sexy Boy; I know what I'm getting into. But if John Cena tweets a picture of his SuperDick, I might go, "hey, um, what the FUCK?!"</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'm trying to imagine what it would be like if Hulk Hogan or Steve Austin tweeted a sexualized naked picture of themselves to their fans, but my brain won't allow me to ruin all of wrestling for myself, so that's not happening. And it's one thing if it was a picture (like </span></span><a href="http://quizilla.teennick.com/user_images/B/BU/BUC/BUCSIT23/1244019150_2886_full.jpeg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this one</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, or </span></span><a href="http://justin-gabriel.net/photos/albums/userpics/10001/130~0.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this one</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">) that was dug up and posted on the internet by rabid fans. This was tweeted straight from the SuperHorse's fingertips.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Very strange and out of character both in and out of character. </span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Also very veiny. </span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The end.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">SUMMERSLAM 2011</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyyMQZJ2kguPPNlVfam6G641OWokwoVRv5zO4ImicUvYlKPESKCNs4YDSbJwiC6Nc6f6HX-jZBY5sO6PmxZFE0AZYZ8_RZ79KKzVM0SMaB_SCvSvIVzisJO01OLaK1r9mo9ss5-DFO6ZSq/s1600/summerslamanthemjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyyMQZJ2kguPPNlVfam6G641OWokwoVRv5zO4ImicUvYlKPESKCNs4YDSbJwiC6Nc6f6HX-jZBY5sO6PmxZFE0AZYZ8_RZ79KKzVM0SMaB_SCvSvIVzisJO01OLaK1r9mo9ss5-DFO6ZSq/s400/summerslamanthemjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641942616335047170" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px; " /></a></span></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">THE SECOND BIGGEST EVENT OF THE SUMMER</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">While I would love to write several paragraphs about Sheamus vs. Mark Henry or John Cena vs. CM Punk or Kelly Kelly impressing the shit out of everybody, I've already wasted about 90,000 words on John Cena's upper taint. So, instead, I'll point you in the direction of some fantastic reviews of the show, and then you can come back here to read about the most important figures in pro wrestling today, the Ultimate Warrior and Matt Hardy.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/2011/08/the-best-and-worst-of-wwe-summerslam-2011">THE BEST AND WORST OF SUMMERSLAM 2011</a> BY <a href="http://twitter.com/MrBrandonStroud">BRANDON STROUD</a> (<a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/">WITH LEATHER</a>)</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I rep Brandon Stroud on this blog just a little bit less than Matt Hardy, but it's still an embarrassing amount. Go read his reviews. Derrick Bateman reads them. Do it for Derrick Bateman. Do it for Chicks and America. Do it for Maxine. That last part is for people who follow NXT, which may or may not include Derrick Bateman or Brandon Stroud or myself even.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/8965511710/summerslam-2011">SUMMERSLAM 2011</a> BY <a href="http://twitter.com/kickoutblog">RAZOR</a> (<a href="http://fairtoflair.com/">FAIR TO FLAIR</a>, <a href="http://kickoutwrestling.com/">KICK-OUT!! WRESTLING</a>)</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In addition to abandoning this blog for several weeks, I also went missing from Fair To Flair. Thankfully, fellow FTF contributor Razor was there to make fun of WWE Cock Rock and Cee Lo Green, as well as give a very positive and fair (to flair) review.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><a href="http://internationalobject.com/post/8952214601/how-to-make-some-fans-happy">HOW TO MAKE SOME FANS HAPPY</a>, <a href="http://internationalobject.com/post/8952111987/how-to-make-some-fans-upset">HOW TO MAKE SOME FANS UPSET</a> BY <a href="http://twitter.com/intlobject">K. SAWYER PAUL</a> (<a href="http://fairtoflair.com/">FAIR TO FLAIR</a>, <a href="http://internationalobject.com/">INTERNATIONAL OBJECT</a>)</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In addition to changing gimmicks at blinding speed, K. Sawyer Paul has also provided the most succinct review of SummerSlam in two clever posts. He's also been taking over the sidebar of Fair To Flair with exactly what he promised - the best wrestling stories on the Internet. I can wholeheartedly say that if The Dirtsheets was a VHS tape of wrestling news, I'd be taping over that shit with Int'l Object even if I wasn't a part of FTF.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">THE MASKED MAN (</span><a href="http://www.grantland.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">GRANTLAND</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">, UH, </span><a href="http://twitter.com/#!/akathemaskedman"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">TWITTER</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">)</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">He doesn't have an article on SummerSlam, but his thoughts on Twitter are absolutely worth scrolling through. The Masked Man has brought wrestling writing to mainstream sports blogs like <a href="http://deadspin.com/">Deadspin</a>, as well as Grantland, where he writes about wrestling alongside the likes of Chuck Klosterman and Bill Simmons. He also gives roommate reactions on Twitter, which provides such gems of insight as "He looks like a date rapist (roommate on The Miz)".</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b><i>EDIT:</i></b> Grantland just posted The Masked Man's SummerSlam article, <a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6871069/back-unreality">Back to Unreality</a>.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">SEVERAL SUMMERSLAM POSTS! BY <a href="http://twitter.com/tholzerman">TOM HOLZERMAN</a> (<a href="http://fairtoflair.com/">FAIR TO FLAIR</a>, <a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/">THE WRESTLING BLOG</a>)</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'd be hard-pressed not to mention my blogging Brosa Mendes who wrote a <a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/2011/08/big-sexy-destiny-wwe-summerslam-2011.html">review of SummerSlam</a>, as well as individual posts about <a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/2011/08/hoss-fight-appreciation.html">Sheamus/Mark Henry</a>, <a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/2011/08/transcending-trish-why-kelly-kelly-is.html">Kelly Kelly</a> and <a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/2011/08/commercials-on-ppv-excuse-me-while-i.html">Commercials on PPV</a>. If you want to read about SummerSlam, TH has every angle covered.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">ULTIMATE WARRIOR</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><iframe width="410" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/tF8xmlRcriY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">SMOKING ASS, OR SOMETHING? I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING ABOUT A GENIUS REAPER.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I think he showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5iRD1oyaSo">eating grapes</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBjtNvO9p4s#t=0m46s">tazing women</a> isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpwiP57D1jF60ZTGBh0b5yrWfEuVK-8wh40i4R9RTkNRlgiDVJ1W5xShp-TfIY4dMsfgaQDsLyiZa6p-2cffzpBSdsCt0784EXKhUN1vnEWJKfiALBYceBwW5wjeqjXyvjwbW5vRcqqbM1/s1600/251266227.jpg">John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy</a>! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO. </span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">RING OF HONOR + PRO WRESTLING GUERRILLA</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7qVl3Kt3qQpdjWe2ARt6uuzF1qs91J2k7AwAPmvmSjhVIKYNuFi2QbFPe8V7rjEnIwDcBQVyZJ-U3L5PRnOFGXSjM3YGUhRoLy-opTbUOtkNInfqyB0TrGSvOvnQLfRhUJSxAJOOdfxk-/s1600/eddieroddy1large.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7qVl3Kt3qQpdjWe2ARt6uuzF1qs91J2k7AwAPmvmSjhVIKYNuFi2QbFPe8V7rjEnIwDcBQVyZJ-U3L5PRnOFGXSjM3YGUhRoLy-opTbUOtkNInfqyB0TrGSvOvnQLfRhUJSxAJOOdfxk-/s400/eddieroddy1large.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641942611957381682" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 213px; " /></a></span></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">TV TAPINGS, DBD IX, STEEN VS. FINLAY</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://rohwrestling.com/">ROHWrestling.com</a></i></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ROH taped their first show for the Sinclair Broadcasting Group this past weekend. I didn't read spoilers, since I will be able to watch the show on my actual TV (September 24th), which makes me happy. Okay, I did read <a href="http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Nigel-McGuiness-Back-in-ROH-e1313286901194.png">one spoiler</a>, but it had nothing to do with match outcomes, so that's fine.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Ring Of Honor also announced the first match for <a href="http://www.rohwrestling.com/news/new-york-ny-sept-11th/">Death Before Dishonor IX</a> in New York this September, which will feature Roderick Strong and Eddie Edwards in a "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dk47zQGnwD0">Ringmaster Challenge</a>" match, that has nothing to do with both guys getting managed by Ted DiBiase and wearing white boots. It's a Two Out of Three Falls match where the first fall can only be won by pinfall, the second fall can only be won by submission, and the third fall, if necessary (it'll be necessary), will be a 15 minute Iron Man match. This will be the kind of match for fans with workrate boners, and they're letting you know ahead of time. </span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">PWG's <a href="http://www.prowrestlingguerrilla.com/2011BOLA/">2011 Battle of Los Angeles</a> is happening this Saturday, with Kevin Steen vs. Fit FUCKING Finlay as the most notable match on the card. I don't think there's anything left to say. This is going to be the realest shit ever forever hyperbole ever.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">HULK HOGAN</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi98Ns5SOSufSByteS_Ab6h0QzQvgyuz9T3up6tuE7Awya399SX5OGPHCVGei9PhzyS8a4kh7_elALsU13qiVdzj36LNNpGKIoXCk6rVBWtRdxMdi7zC5altWdmGVW8m9n8mTNafo3lYit9/s1600/pastamania.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi98Ns5SOSufSByteS_Ab6h0QzQvgyuz9T3up6tuE7Awya399SX5OGPHCVGei9PhzyS8a4kh7_elALsU13qiVdzj36LNNpGKIoXCk6rVBWtRdxMdi7zC5altWdmGVW8m9n8mTNafo3lYit9/s400/pastamania.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641942692940935858" style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 300px; " /></a></span></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">REGRETS INVESTING IN MEATBALL MACHINE</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Thank you <a href="http://www.lordsofpain.net/news/tna/Hulk_Hogan_Regrets_Investing_In_Meatball_Making_Machine.html">dirtsheets</a> for providing me with this headline, and the endless laughter. You will never top this. Never.</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCZbI4VHVxGpr00esfCS5csXDNaTXjQhNFNZn9OsIWw3MhgwXRatJDOs-OAdZ-R5BvN12AMekEvjOYI1vDRRms-u92n1f9VBtK3kKE1P0pm4gFNzoxis3N3dxkLcCn0saMUgWn_R6TnkF-/s1600/hoganbeefcaketweetjpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCZbI4VHVxGpr00esfCS5csXDNaTXjQhNFNZn9OsIWw3MhgwXRatJDOs-OAdZ-R5BvN12AMekEvjOYI1vDRRms-u92n1f9VBtK3kKE1P0pm4gFNzoxis3N3dxkLcCn0saMUgWn_R6TnkF-/s400/hoganbeefcaketweetjpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641942625981279442" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 157px; " /></a></span></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">...</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">
<br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">That is all.</span></span></p></div>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-92119728730308565312011-07-26T15:24:00.003-04:002011-07-26T15:41:35.497-04:00CM PUNK AND CHUCK TAYLOR: KINDRED SPIRITS<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If you haven't seen it already, here is CM Punk surprising Cousin Sal's son on Jimmy Kimmel Live (hilarious):</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><iframe width="420" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pVCSN5sg5eQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><iframe width="420" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/uuLNC9-isNg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">As awesome as that was, I don't think anyone will ever top Chuck Taylor when it comes to harassing small children in pro wrestling:</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><iframe width="420" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/lkR0r9mB6OQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><iframe width="420" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_4LJu9XUoIM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">On second thought, no one will ever top this guy. BOOK THIS DAD</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><iframe width="420" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cTTTUBDx_28" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></span></span></div>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-46410258724026228262011-07-15T02:01:00.003-04:002011-07-15T02:30:34.928-04:0007/11/11 RAW REVIEW: CM PUNK = VOICE OF THE VOICELESS (ICE CREAM BARS HAVE NO VOICE)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website with essays and articles and podcasts and an actual book (think Internet you can touch!) that we release four times a year, which we call the Fair To Flair Quarterly. You can purchase the first Quarterly here (in both book and digital book formats), and listen to a podcast detailing the upcoming second Quarterly here.</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, like this one) along with </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">co-founders </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/wrestlespective" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Jason Mann</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://wrestlespective.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Wrestlespective</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/ksawyerpaul" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">K. Sawyer Paul</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://footnotesofwrestling.tumblr.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Footnotes of Wrestling</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, as well as </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/kickoutblog" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Razor</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://www.kickoutwrestling.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Kick-Out!! Wrestling</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> and my blogging Dick Bro-go </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/tholzerman" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">TH</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The Wrestling Blog</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Now, hit my music from atop a mountain with that </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2VK6U6YVDE#t=11m04s"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Brahma Bull witchcraft</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. </span></span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">MONDAY NIGHT <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FF0000;">RAW</span> 07/11/11</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvsniE07tPQy2eAR1HXI3rj6Lu0xidZga3vJsHWPIMSv59wAF-LnUGdjplO8WGWjb1vnPaFS_dMB8aFwNND0cMG9st8uvZ2Cvrc1YNhVesDfqG0-vDmYB-umd3JVUCN-IH0sl_InaHLyyu/s1600/tumblr_lo84e9Ry2D1qhz3a0o1_500.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvsniE07tPQy2eAR1HXI3rj6Lu0xidZga3vJsHWPIMSv59wAF-LnUGdjplO8WGWjb1vnPaFS_dMB8aFwNND0cMG9st8uvZ2Cvrc1YNhVesDfqG0-vDmYB-umd3JVUCN-IH0sl_InaHLyyu/s400/tumblr_lo84e9Ry2D1qhz3a0o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629462095240462146" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 224px; " /></a></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">LIKED...</span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Photo - </span><a href="http://www.wwe.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">WWE.com</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, Edit - <a href="http://fyeahwwewrestling.tumblr.com/">F Yeah WWE Wrestling</a></span></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dear readers of Fair To Flair and lovers of pizza and body slams (what a maneuver!) everywhere,</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I refuse to review anything on Raw this week involving CM Punk. </span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">There’s a point in my wrestling-watching life when I go back and rewatch certain promos and get the same amount of goosebumps each time, and simply can’t say anything about it to make it better/funnier/more interesting/etc.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Instead, I will just link you to some CM Punk gifs (like </span></span><a href="http://black-nata.tumblr.com/post/7534246626"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this one</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> or </span></span><a href="http://black-nata.tumblr.com/post/7531644591"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this one</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> or </span></span><a href="http://cmpunkgifs.tumblr.com/post/7526627749"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this one</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> or </span></span><a href="http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lntrdpNU391qkiqdko1_500.gif"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this one</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> and </span></span><a href="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lntylmdf8y1qjorbn.gif"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">look at this one</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> or maybe even </span></span><a href="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo99joJxyU1qa2w0to1_400.png"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">just this one jpeg</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> where six months ago CM Punk told us not blink for the next six months holy crap), watch the PPV on Sunday, and feel like I’m eleven years old again </span></span><span style="text-decoration: line-through"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">discovering my body</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> getting caught up in pro wrestling.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Signed,</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Mitch (PIZZABODYSLAM)</span></span></i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">CM PUNK TALKED ME INTO THE BUILDIN</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">G</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Okay, I lied. Sometimes you gotta say just one thing about thing you love so much you don’t want to ruin it by saying too many things about it. So, ahem:</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I LOVE THIS.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I wish I had video of myself on the literal edge of my seat as Punk managed to go from funny to serious in a totally non-John Cena way, and from loved to hated in a totally organic way, even if he was just running down the city they were in. It was so perfect. I shrieked when Cena punched him. I’ve watched it at least three times since, and I (as mentioned above) still get goosebumps.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">That’s all I want to say. I don’t want to dissect or analyze or speculate or fantasy book or do anything that could ruin Sunday for me. So I’m going to close my eyes and plug my ears until then, goodbye.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But first, large men falling down:</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">MARK HENRY VS. BIG SHOW: RAMPAGE WORLD TOUR</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Anyone else love this feud? </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Like, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">just</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> the feud. I don’t mean the matches or the anticipation I feel when either one of them is about to do something (I feel nothing). I mean the actual concept of this feud, where both Mark Henry and Big Show, week-in and week-out attempt to destroy something more hilarious (like Mark Henry throwing a man just </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJ0o4-tG0nc#t=1m36s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">INTO THE AIR</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">) or participate in some hilarious stunt that escalates by the week. It’s like they’re picking who hits first in baseball by going hand-over-hand on a bat until one of them sneaks their fat finger on the top of the handle. Except the bat is Drew McIntyre.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Can I ask what exactly we are to believe Big Show and Mark Henry fell on, if not just cardboard boxes with a tablecloth on it? I love the wrestling logic of the black tablecloth, as if it’s supposed to make whatever compressible material they have beneath it disappear. Why couldn’t they have fallen on that spark machine that’s always found near the stage? That’s fun AND illogical. Everyone loves sparks. Everyone except Jeff Hardy, if you remember </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI4VOYO9RO8#t=0m50s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">that one time when he danced out too many fireworks</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">KELLY KELLY IS MY FAVOURITE KIND OF HILARIOUS: ACCIDENTALLY!</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Four seconds into her match on Raw she managed to find herself on the ground with her arms wrapped around her own body in a “quit hugging yourself” bully-type move. YOU ARE THE CHAMPION. No champion of anything, potentially even the World Self-Hugging Champion, could manage to fall down, get spun around and tied up in a Johnny Saint knot four seconds into a match. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Then again, no champion of anything would rub their butthole in the face of their opponent. Okay, maybe John Cena and Randy Orton would, </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/#!/RandyOrton/status/91578528490995712"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">but apparently they can get away with it</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Kelly Kelly also may have legitimized the wrestling stomp. The way she was selling the stompdown the Bellas were giving her, it was as if they were stomping her organs into </span></span><a href="http://pizzabodyslam.blogspot.com/2010/05/words-i-would-never-have-known-if-it.html"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">OBLITERATITRY</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. Thank God Eve was there to </span></span><span style="text-decoration: line-through"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">save her</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> jump on her own face.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honourable Mention:</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> R-Truth and spiders, apparently.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">He insinuated that if the Money In The Bank briefcase has any spiders in it, he will shit himself. I probably would too. Because what the actual ****, RON</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 15px/normal Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">MONDAY NIGHT <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FF0000;">RAW</span> 07/11/11</span></span></p><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 15px/normal Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNo-5c2LgWhdcH9vNjlvkdYbg0MuNnARV4SnBmkYRz1P2GFC75cjhYNJN4B4qjbKMvl9o12bPuPWfuvTLWh6HLpqEyVmYf7XOndGzNvptwysrMCNoe2KeZxZ6xXjVfrsGOxxr5ALzlZULi/s1600/david-otunga.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNo-5c2LgWhdcH9vNjlvkdYbg0MuNnARV4SnBmkYRz1P2GFC75cjhYNJN4B4qjbKMvl9o12bPuPWfuvTLWh6HLpqEyVmYf7XOndGzNvptwysrMCNoe2KeZxZ6xXjVfrsGOxxr5ALzlZULi/s400/david-otunga.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629462088106125634" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 224px; " /></a></span></span></span></p><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 15px/normal Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">DISLIKED...</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">DAVID OTUNGA, TAG TEAM CHAMPION</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">OH. MAN. </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">You</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> suck. </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">You</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> might be the worst tag team wrestler to ever hold the belts like three times or whatever unbelievable number it is. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">John Cena, famous serial murderer of World Tag Team Champions, is down in the corner and the referee has his back turned. Here’s your chance, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">David</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. C’mon buddy, take it to ‘im! Use that handicap advantage like the Tag Team Champion you are! Here we gooooo AAAANNND! WOW. Wow. Just a soft little kick. One little tap. Like a gentle nudge. The referee is still turned around, you could go back and…no? You’re good? Okay. Cool. Cool.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Maybe, instead of Googling yourself, you should Google tag team wrestling and learn how to **** a person up when you have the chance, and then John Cena wouldn’t wrestle you to death and blow you a tiny kiss at the end of it all.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">YOU WANNA TOUCH MY SISTER?!?!??</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Such a weird thing to say.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The Bella Twins deliver promos like evil, teenaged Sweeney Sisters. The teenaged part is when they start the promo with “Wait, hold on, um, hellooooo…wow” and reference Katy Perry Proactiv commercials. The Sweeney Sisters part is when they trade one-liners and look to the crowd for a reaction, and generally receive none, and mix up Kelly Kelly with Katy Perry. The evil part is how you can look but you can’t touch (but you probably could).</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But, I will give them credit: they annoy the ever-loving shit out of me. So, kudos?</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Yes, kudos. I’ve decided they get the kudos. Because Melina also annoys me to no foreseeable end (what were those melty crazed duck faces she was making at the start of the match?), but is never on TV so my hate for her goes unsolved. At least I get to see the Bellas get slapped around every once and a while.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The only kudos I’ll give Melina (I’m giving a lot of backhanded kudos here) is that she sold Kelly Kelly’s Fame-Asser/Rocker Dropper finisher like instant death. The way she laid there made me wish she stayed there </span></span><a href="http://pizzabodyslam.tumblr.com/post/3324059544/sofckyrrulesman22-this-was-way-back-2009-where"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">like CM Punk did that one time</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, except the show would have to continue and everyone would have to wrestle around her.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">MICROPHONE PARADE</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Seven guys lining up to interrupt each other is funny any way you look at it.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Logically, in order to come out in time, they had to be near each other backstage before they went out. I like to think that they asked each other what they had to say, then started scrambling for loose microphones because they disagreed with one another.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Part of me wishes this was a never-ending microphone parade (it almost was), and they just ran out the rest of the show with the Great Khali taking exception to something Mason Ryan said in disagreement with Black Ref who came out to challenge Man Mountain Rock who interrupted the ramblings of me who took this joke too far.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honourable Mention:</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Dolph Ziggler has charisma I swear.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Did anyone watch that season of NXT where he was constantly ad-libbing from the stage and elbow-dropping novelty foam hats? He’s hilarious! Let him say things and act the way he normally would instead of having him make bad breath/possum diaper vomit jokes.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I have no real knowledge as to how much of any wrestling promo is scripted or not scripted. But just based on how humans work, I can confidently say that some people are better at being given “lines” and delivering them, while other people are better at saying what they want to say. Or something. I don’t know. Line?</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p color="#232323" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honourable Honourable Mention:</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I almost forgot.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#666666;"><span style="text-decoration: underline"><a href="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo78piAV2h1qdkrl2o1_500.png"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It looks like they’re having bad dreams in bed together</span></span></a></span><span style="color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></span></p><p></p></div>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8723026679081646537.post-11241643198863113602011-07-15T01:21:00.005-04:002011-07-15T01:57:38.352-04:0007/04/11 RAW REVIEW: JOHN CENA, AMERICAN MALE<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">This review is also posted at <a href="http://fairtoflair.com/">Fair To Flair</a>, a new pro wrestling website that focuses on writing and editing and never has any tyops at all. I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, like this one, which I will get to after plugging everyone I know on the Internet).</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">With me are co-founders </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 17px; "><a href="http://twitter.com/wrestlespective" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Jason Mann</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://wrestlespective.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Wrestlespective</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/ksawyerpaul" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">K. Sawyer Paul</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://footnotesofwrestling.tumblr.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Footnotes of Wrestling</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, as well as </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/kickoutblog" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Razor</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://www.kickoutwrestling.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Kick-Out!! Wrestling</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> and my blogging D-Bro Brown </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/tholzerman" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">TH</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of </span></span><a href="http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com/" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The Wrestling Blog</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. Give Fair To Flair a read, and I specifically suggest checking out the first-ever </span></span><a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/quarterly" style="color: rgb(127, 127, 127); text-decoration: none; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Fair To Flair Quarterly</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, an actual book that you can touch and read in the real world out there, or if you prefer melting your balls with your laptop for 14 hours a day like I do, it's also available in several digital formats!</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Now, onto my review of the July 4th edition of Monday Night Raw, a show celebrating America and butt humour (mostly butt humour).</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">MONDAY NIGHT <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FF0000;">RAW</span> 07/04/11</span></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); line-height: normal; font-family:Georgia, serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjExqWRkQHvwA2grFX9GRQdFbV0CASbzCYFOtMB_4fVGD2Ax4Z4vnAbPf-z1F4ApDTth4lsucQGUFCTAQgVKLLShQhTE5Oyk74CPkrb81w9weIgg48gi0As9zLeg6KvoPIJHMh6C6Te65k_/s1600/vickiecakejpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjExqWRkQHvwA2grFX9GRQdFbV0CASbzCYFOtMB_4fVGD2Ax4Z4vnAbPf-z1F4ApDTth4lsucQGUFCTAQgVKLLShQhTE5Oyk74CPkrb81w9weIgg48gi0As9zLeg6KvoPIJHMh6C6Te65k_/s400/vickiecakejpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629453803663738034" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px; " /></a></span></span></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">LIKED...</span></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 17px; font-size:small;"><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">SHE FELL ON HER BOTTOM INTO SOME CAKE</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Right in the face of all the fat jokes Jerry Lawler can Google (he might still use Alta Vista), Vickie Guerrero was ****ing hilarious on Raw. That is my favourite kind of humour (not the butt humour [although lol butts] but [lol but] stay with me for a second plz wait stop).</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">No, not the falling on to her bottom (and then onto her boobies) into a decorative cake part; the singing to Dolph Ziggler part, where she is COMPLETELY UNAWARE that maybe the fans might not like what she’s doing.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I love the heel who is one hundred percent blind to the fact that their actions may in fact upset the people paying to see the show. Vickie was SO offended by the booing:</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">“HOW RUDE. I’m just trying to sing a happy birthday song to America and Dolph Ziggler when it’s not really his birthday, all while you’re waiting for someone to come out and beat us up and make good pro-wrestling use of this here cake that I suppose I expect Dolph to consume in its entirety, because otherwise why did I make a whole huge cake for a one-person party. EXCUSE MEEEE.”</span></span></i></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Bonus points to </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-bUVYDMoO8#t=4m15s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">the guy in the front row who stood up</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> RIGHT AS Vickie said “everyone stand up.” Double bonus points to </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-bUVYDMoO8#t=5m7s"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">this kid’s psychotic thumbs down</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">R-TRUTH IN ADVERTISING</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">We can now add Flo and Señor Jimmy to R-Truth’s ever-expanding, Bruce Springsteen-like universe (not to be confused with the Bruce Springsteen Universe, his legion of fans) of fictional characters. So that’s Flo, Señor Jimmy, Little Jimmy, Big Jimmy (was there ever a Medium Jimmy? Let’s just round up the whole Jimmy Family), and of course his long lost son, who, bad news…is still lost. The good news is, his estranged father just saved money on car insurance by switching to Geico.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">R-Truth inexplicably plugging Geico (and referencing a SECOND INSURANCE COMPANY, which went over my head </span></span><a href="http://withleather.uproxx.com/2011/07/the-best-and-worst-of-wwe-raw-74/2"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">but did not go over others’</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">) adds yet another layer to his perpetually deteriorating psyche. Yes. A layer </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">added</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> to a psyche that’s </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">deteriorating</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. Maybe I’m crazy too?</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Speaking of Señor Jimmy, did anyone else notice that fan who made a Señor Jimmy sign MID-SHOW? How over are you (or, rather, how over are the random things you say) when you don’t have to wait until next week to see if the fans put your new catchphrase on a sign, because they’re rabidly arts and crafts-ing them right there in the audience?</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">3 SECONDS OF ZACK RYDER</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Man! Zack Ryder is finally ge—</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 15px/normal Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">MONDAY NIGHT <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FF0000;">RAW</span> 07/04/11</span></span></p><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 15px/normal Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family:Georgia, serif;font-size:16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAgrByvhx1gPwyks5qlq_L8mzaXjTb7rxSiTsSGKGUsecJVTWSKYxOTk5zjEzatq04m3anoPlUSBGOFk1hB_xBC6hrD1qGb5KaSUoj2VkUYtQLCMex6MPm7nONEaF0fRJBthyphenhyphenuaE8TVp23/s1600/vincecenajpg.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAgrByvhx1gPwyks5qlq_L8mzaXjTb7rxSiTsSGKGUsecJVTWSKYxOTk5zjEzatq04m3anoPlUSBGOFk1hB_xBC6hrD1qGb5KaSUoj2VkUYtQLCMex6MPm7nONEaF0fRJBthyphenhyphenuaE8TVp23/s400/vincecenajpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629453796050243826" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 258px; " /></a></span></span></span></p><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 15px/normal Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">DISLIKED...</span></span></p><p color="#232323" style="text-align: center;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; font: normal normal normal 15px/normal Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>Photo - <a href="http://www.wwe.com/">WWE.com</a></i></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">JOHN CENA: PROUD ‘MURICAN, UNABASHED JORTS ENTHUSIAST</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">If there’s one thing I thought this ****ING EPIC CM Punk story needed, it was John Cena coming out on Independence Day to defend the First Amendment and talk about his jorts until Vince McMahon started half-shooting about Hogan, followed by Cena pretend shooting about crowd signs and Daniel Bryan. Vince said he’ll fire John Cena if he loses and man I wonder what will happen will Cena be Free or Fired now because he loves America and the WWE and my brain has strated too shut off nowwnknfj…</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I appreciate the execution of it all. Vince McMahon is one of my favourite people to listen to speak about anything, even more so nowadays as his voice is getting gurglier and his suits are getting powderier. John Cena wasn’t crappy and didn’t let even one wiener joke slip out. But I still hate this new, completely unnecessary twist that has been shoehorned in to what was an awesome story to begin with. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Why do we need John Cena’s stupid job on the line </span></span><a href="http://survivor10.wwe.com/main.html"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">AGAIN</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">? It’s already been established that it doesn’t matter if he gets fired, because if he gets fired he’ll just keep showing up until he tricks someone into putting his job back on the line again and then he adjusts their attitude and I’m back my time is now, this is all i got, ad infinitum.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I (and I assume most people) now expect one of two things to happen at Money In The Bank:</span></span></p> <ul style="list-style-type: none"> <li style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>1.</b> John Cena wins. </span></span></li> <li style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>2.</b> CM Punk wins, MITB winner cashes in immediately. </span></span></li> <li style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span style="text-decoration: line-through"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>3.</b> YOU STUPID OLD MAN I’M A SNAKE</span></span></span></li></ul> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Either way, we don’t get a “</span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QItaMD5sId4"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">CENA’S FREEEEEE</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">” story so soon after the last one, and Punk still leaves without the belt. </span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Before the firing angle was thrown in, there was at least some faint possibility of Punk winning and walking away somehow. Not for real (it’s real to me, etc.), but in the story. Now it feels like they’ve handcuffed themselves just so they could have some kind of “shocking” ending to a taped Raw. But then again, it could be </span></span><a href="http://twitter.com/#!/Bill_Baconhill/status/88440118922313728"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">something else altogether</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, because I am routinely wrong in predicting the thing I’ve been watching for twenty years or whatever it is, can’t really remember because I’ve been watching wrestling for twenty years of whatever (can’t really remember) and my brain is now a soft goo sloshing around in my head.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">AND ANOTHER THING</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">VIDEO PACKAGE OF CM PUNK SAYING THINGS THAT GOT HIS MIC CUT OFF MADE BY THE PEOPLE WHO CUT HIS MIC OFF</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Can someone please explain this to me?</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">What possible benefit is there from making a video for this feud? There’s a like a week left until they fight, and people know what the Internet is, so let them go there to find out what Punk said, instead of you editing clips of CM Punk’s voice skipping and coloured bars from Stamford together to illustrate how you don’t want him to say the things he’s saying but you’re happy to edit the things he’s saying into a video package.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Just let the announcers use their sombre announcer voice to tell us that CM Punk is suspended for the things he said, and now we’ll move on with the show. The angle generated more than enough interest to carry the feud without a crappy video package. But no. No. NO. Everyone needs a T-shirt and theme music and a cameo on George Lopez Tonight and a video package or else people won’t know that they’re watching a stupid wrestling show.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Sometimes I just wish that logic would supersede the WWE template for more than one week. Other times I wish I could dial back the rage in order to make clear-headed comments on the show but USEDA IS A ROOSTA FROM BREWSTA AND WE CAN’T ALL GET WHAT WE WANT NOW CAN WE?!</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">… sorry.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Either way, it doesn’t really matter for me. I’ve already bought the show in my mind and no amount of John Cena Free or Feast or Fired angles could undo that.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Now onto the important stuff.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">KELLY KELLY’S BUTT IS RUBBING OFF ON EVE</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Either Kelly Kelly is somehow convincing Eve that using your butthole to attack a person is much more effective than Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, or Eve is just absorbing Kelly’s butt-powers through Tag Team Osmosis. I prefer the scenario where Kelly mentors Eve:</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Kelly:</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Hmm, so you do a standing moonsault?</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Eve:</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I try.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Kelly:</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Why don’t you try butt****ing the air right before jumping?</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Eve: </span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">BRILLIANT, now let’s walk to the ring smiling and laughing.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Let’s get Kelly Kelly to involve her butt in every move in her arsenal (lol arse). Or maybe she should just keep getting more and more vulgar with her offense until she’s just hurling her vagina at people like she’s the female </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZVzASQJwtE"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Danshoku Dino</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> of the WWE.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Or, at the very least, she should start RKOing people.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honourable Mention:</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Wrestling.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Maybe this should’ve been way up there in the WOO!—but in actuality, it probably should’ve been right in the middle. And usually that’s not something I write about. But everything felt so…normal. Nothing stood out as awesome (the only </span></span><a href="http://www.fairtoflair.com/post/6776491684/raw-review-06-20-11-power-to-the-people"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">inadvertent noise</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I made aloud was when Alberto Del Rio did his trademark—or Vintage, as Michael Cole quipped. Also, let’s give him a year in the company before we break out the Vintage line maybe—tumble through the ropes), but nothing stood out as terrible, and that to me makes it the worst. If it’s terrible, then I can laugh and crack wise with myself at least (I need to stop watching this show alone).</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honourable Honourable Mention:</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Taped shows that are normally live shows.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Even if you avoid spoilers, taped shows are the worst. The editing is way weirder (take Miz and Riley’s backslide), the flow (FLO!) is totally different, and a lot of it is just unexplainable. When a show is live, you really do feel like anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation for over fifty years the revolutionary force in Sports Entertainment (even though it can’t really but I WANT TO BELIEVE), but when a show is taped all of that is lost.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention:</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Big Andy needs to take his silent rage to a </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2LnKI8-pJU"><span style="text-decoration: underline ; color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">public subway</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; color:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">On one last note, have you ever really watched Edge’s first titantron video? We all remember the screaming and yelling and running and stuff, but there’s a part where he’s just reaching in a car window grabbing and shaking a guy. And there’s another part where he throws a chop to the belly of some random guy on the street. It’s AMAZING.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; min-height: 17.0pxcolor:#232323;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p color="#232323" style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 15.0px Georgia; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Someone gif that up, send it my way and I’ll have a giggle fit in your honour.</span></span></p><p></p></span></span></div>pizzabodyslamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06110837152586878505noreply@blogger.com0