So instead of having a clearcut Road to Mania, these guys more or less bounce around until they all end up car pooling their way there at 90 mph squished in a tiny little smart car that's sure to flip ass over tea kettle once it arrives.
BEGIN:
BIG RED MONSTER
KANE
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 4-7 (Dark Matches: 1-1)
WrestleMania Moment: Nearly murdering Raven
MITB Record: 0-2
MITB Spot at XXVI: Ignites ladder and chases everyone.
WrestleMania History:
def. By Undertaker (XIV)
def. Triple H (XV)
def. (with Rikishi) X-Pac & Road Dogg (2000)
def. Raven & Big Show (X-Seven)
def. By Kurt Angle (X8)
def. By Undertaker (XX)
def. By Edge - MITB (21)
def. (with Big Show) Carlito & Chris Masters (22)
def. By The Great Khali (23)
def. Chavo Guerrero (XXIV)
def. By CM Punk - MITB (XXV)
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- Cashes in at SummerSlam against a returning Undertaker who used his evil powers to capture the Title. Kane opens his briefcase and a fireball comes out and he wins via fireball.
THE BALLIN' SUPERSTAR (UGH)
MVP
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 0-3
WrestleMania Moment: Uh...
MITB Record: 0-2
MITB Spot at XXVI: Tap dances on top of a ladder before shooting a fake jump shot and dropping an elbow.
WrestleMania History:
def. By [FILE NOT FOUND] (23)
def. By CM Punk - MITB (XXIV)
def. By CM Punk - MITB (XXV)
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- Forfeits the briefcase because clearly this was an accident.
OHHHHYEAAAHHHHHHHH
MATT HARDY
Photo - TheHardyShow
WrestleMania Record: 2-5 (Dark Matches: 0-1)
WrestleMania Moment: Beating TNA's Jeff Hardy
MITB Record: 0-2
MITB Spot at XXVI: A HOOOO Legdrop from every size of ladder there is.
WrestleMania History:
def. (with Jeff) by Edge & Christian (2000)
def. (with Jeff) by Edge & Christian (X-Seven)
def. (with Jeff) by Billy & Chuck (X8)
def. Rey Mysterio (XIX)
def. By Rob Van Dam - MITB (22)
def. By Mr. Kennedy - MITB (23)
def. Jeff Hardy (XXV)
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- Makes the greatest Matt Hardy Viral Video Movement Entry about it, cashes in while filming it on his Flip Cam, afterparty in the hot tub.
THE CHOSEN ONE
JEFF JARRETT DREW MCINTYRE
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 0-0
WrestleMania Moment: N/A
MITB Record: 0-0
MITB Spot at XXVI: Bringing the Hyrule Sword to the ring.
WrestleMania History:
N/A
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- Cashes in, as IC Champ, against Sheamus, WWE Champ, WrestleMania 27. It's Warrior/Hogan II!
BOURNE TO FLY
EVAN BOURNE
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 0-0
WrestleMania Moment: N/A
MITB Record: 0-0
MITB Spot at XXVI: I can't even begin to guess what kind of crazy shit he will do.
WrestleMania History:
N/A
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- Gets super over because he's finally given some credibility, until Alf hosts RAW and strips him of the briefcase to set up the Money In The Bank PPV.
PERFECTION
DOLPH ZIGGLER
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 0-0
WrestleMania Moment: Getting bonked on the head with a megaphone by Shawn Michaels.
MITB Record: 0-0
MITB Spot at XXVI: Hair-slick taunt... FROM THE TOP OF A LADDER
WrestleMania History:
N/A
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- Cuts hilarious promos until a big goofy babyface beats him for it. Or he's the first guy to cash-in and fail. He gets treated like poo.
THE GOLD STANDARD
SHELTON BENJAMIN
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 1-5
WrestleMania Moment: This. Or this. Or this. Holy FRIG.
MITB Record: 0-74
MITB Spot at XXVI: I could make something up, but he will fucking top it.
WrestleMania History:
def. (with Charlie Haas) Los Guerreros, Chris Benoit & Rhyno (XIX)
def. (with Charlie Haas) by Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty (XX)
def. By Edge - MITB (21)
def. By Rob Van Dam - MITB (22)
def. By CM Punk - MITB (XXIV)
def. By CM Punk - MITB (XXV)
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- He welds the briefcase to his body and defends it at every Mania and MITB PPV, and if you win you have to carry around Shelton Benjamin.
THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN
AMERICAN AMERICAN JACK SWAGGER
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 0-0
WrestleMania Moment: N/A
MITB Record: 0-0
MITB Spot at XXVI: Suplexing 9 guys in twelve seconds
WrestleMania History:
N/A
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- He goes on a REIGN OF TERROR, finally completing a winning streak that lasts longer than one match, until he cashes-in on John Cena by booking a match for SummerSlam, where he cleanly defeats him. Plz.
JAMAICAN ME CRAZY, GHANA DRIVE ME NUTS (I'M SORRY)
KOFI KINGSTON
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 0-1
WrestleMania Moment: Climbing a half ladder-half Mark Henry contraption
MITB Record: 0-1
WrestleMania History:
def. By CM Punk - MITB (XXV)
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANK
- Holds it FOREVER (a la Edge) until he cashes-in at the Royal Rumble, after failing to win the Royal Rumble that night. But Sheamus won the other MITB at the MITB PPV and cashes-in on Kofi instantly after. Then the Royal Rumble winner (let's say, Triple H) cashes-in his Royal Rumble win (new rule he invented) and beats Sheamus, setting up Sheamus/Triple H II at WM27.
AT LAST
CHRISTIAN
Photo - WWE.com
WrestleMania Record: 3-3
WrestleMania Moment: Winning the Tag Team Titles with Edge at WrestleMania 2000
MITB Record: 0-2
MITB Spot at XXVI: Unhooking that briefcase, BAYBAYYY
WrestleMania History:
def. (with Edge) Hardyz, Dudleyz (2000)
def. (with Edge) Hardyz, Dudleyz (X-Seven)
def. By DDP (X8)
def. Chris Jericho (XX)
def. By Edge - MITB (21)
def. By CM Punk - MITB (XXV)
WHAT HAPPENS IF HE WINS MONEY IN THE BANKS
- My only real prediction. I think he'll win, and I think he will cash-in this very same night. With a Money In The Bank PPV in the summer, there will be time to set up another MITB cash-in, so this will definitely not feel wasted.
Edge/Jericho will disappoint smarks everywhere (including me), as this will be the JBL/Mysterio, the Hart Foundation/Bolsheviks, the Chavo/Kane, the Hogan/Yokozuna of this year, when Edge spears Jericho within the first few seconds to win his 387th World Title. After a lengthy celebration, Christian will come out, saying he's beat to hell, but knows that these fans deserve to see two best friends fight for the WWE Title on the Grandest Stage of 'Em All, and this may be the only … opportunity… he has. Christian ends up losing, but he chases Edge for a couple months and ends up winning the belt.
This, I just realized, contradicts my earlier prediction of Jericho beating Edge… this just proves that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE LEADER IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
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