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STEEL CAGE: TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Challenger "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero
Champion "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles
PREDICTION: The Pope beats AJ clean and wins the title - until Eric Bischoff comes out, revealing he IS in kahoots with Flair, strips Pope of his belt, and plays a guitar solo. A large whooping crane then swoops in and pecks Eric Bischoff to a bloody, humiliating death.
STEEL CAGE: LETHAL LOCKDOWN
Captain Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam
Captain Sting, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money, Inc.
PREDICTION: Hulkamania runs wild, Abyssamania runs fatal, Jarrettamania runs TNA, Hardyamania and Rob Van Damamania run this joke on too long.
PREDICTION: Ends when the Army runs in and point guns at Anderson until Angle triumphantly pins him. Crowd chants "U-S-A! U-S-A!" but a select few are confused and chant TNA.
PREDICTION: Eric Young invents a title before the match and drops it to Nash. Nash awards the title to Bubba the Love Sponge, who straps it around his bulbous waist. Turns out, it was all a ploy by Nash and Young, and the title is rigged with napalm. Bubba attempts to utter one last douchey, self-important remark before he bursts into flames and Cool Whip flies everywhere, because that's what I picture he is filled with.
STEEL CAGE: X CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Challenger Shannon Moore
Champion Douglas Williams
PREDICTION: These vanilla midgets do 45-minute submissions and eighty hundred moonsaults. This match gets the biggest mark out moments of the night and Eric Bischoff is seen looking sheepish and stupid (and he dies later, remember?!).
Scott Hall & Syxx-Pac
PREDICTION: Brother Ray is inexplicably bleeding on his way to the ring. Everyone else gets juice within two minutes. Team 3D def. The Band at 3:31 in the most brutal cage match ever broadcast, until later tonight, when eleven more cage matches occur.
CAGE MATCH: ALL TITLES ON THE LINE
The Beautiful People
Angelina Love and Tara
PREDICTION: All the titles switch! Or they don't! I don't care. Can ANYONE care after the Knockouts Title changed hands a week ago via Zelda treasure chest discovery?
"You got a Knockout's Title! This title has no value or worth. Collect five titles to form a new title container and increase your life energy!"
CAGE MATCH: LETHAL LOCKDOWN ADVANTAGE
Rob Van Dam
PREDICTION: Wait, what? This is happening? What ever happened to a good old coin flip? Instead we're adding a NINTH cage match to this godforsaken event?! Jesus, Mary and Samoa Joseph.
The Motor City Machine Guns
Brian Kendrick and Homicide
PREDICTION: I get excited to see this match until Matt Morgan comes out and pump kicks everyone. He then attempts to sound badass and crazy by calling himself "we," but instead it comes off as stupid.
CAGE MATCH: CAJUN STRAP STREET FIGHT 10 MINUTE IRON MAN MATCH - RAVEN'S RULES
Rob Terry (off-screen partner: Magnus)
Mick Foley (off-screen partner: Jeremy Borash)
Orlando Jordan (off-screen partner: this guy)
The debuting Shane Helms (off-screen partner: Rosey)
PREDICTION: This match is added with the stipulation that if you win you have to strip your off-screen partner and you don't know who your off-screen partner is but if your off-screen partner can score a pinfall in a match that happens backstage exclusively for the Lockdown FanFest fans before you score your pinfall in the ring then you have a chance to wrestle for the FanFest Off-Screen Title but first to be eligible you have to tie Raven up with the Cajun Strap and complete a skill-testing question.
I think Rob Terry will win.