TNA LOCKDOWN: LUDICROUS PREDICTIONS!

Photo - TNAWrestling.com

STEEL CAGE: TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

Challenger "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero

VS.

Champion "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles

PREDICTION: The Pope beats AJ clean and wins the title - until Eric Bischoff comes out, revealing he IS in kahoots with Flair, strips Pope of his belt, and plays a guitar solo. A large whooping crane then swoops in and pecks Eric Bischoff to a bloody, humiliating death.

STEEL CAGE: LETHAL LOCKDOWN

TEAM HOGAN

Captain Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam

VS.

TEAM FLAIR

Captain Sting, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money, Inc.

PREDICTION: Hulkamania runs wild, Abyssamania runs fatal, Jarrettamania runs TNA, Hardyamania and Rob Van Damamania run this joke on too long.

STEEL CAGE

Kurt Angle

VS.

Mr. Anderson

PREDICTION: Ends when the Army runs in and point guns at Anderson until Angle triumphantly pins him. Crowd chants "U-S-A! U-S-A!" but a select few are confused and chant TNA.

STEEL CAGE

Kevin Nash

VS.

Eric Young

PREDICTION: Eric Young invents a title before the match and drops it to Nash. Nash awards the title to Bubba the Love Sponge, who straps it around his bulbous waist. Turns out, it was all a ploy by Nash and Young, and the title is rigged with napalm. Bubba attempts to utter one last douchey, self-important remark before he bursts into flames and Cool Whip flies everywhere, because that's what I picture he is filled with.

STEEL CAGE: X CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Challenger Kazarian

VS.

Challenger Shannon Moore

VS.

Champion Douglas Williams

PREDICTION: These vanilla midgets do 45-minute submissions and eighty hundred moonsaults. This match gets the biggest mark out moments of the night and Eric Bischoff is seen looking sheepish and stupid (and he dies later, remember?!).

CAGE MATCH

Team 3D

VS.

Scott Hall & Syxx-Pac

PREDICTION: Brother Ray is inexplicably bleeding on his way to the ring. Everyone else gets juice within two minutes. Team 3D def. The Band at 3:31 in the most brutal cage match ever broadcast, until later tonight, when eleven more cage matches occur.

CAGE MATCH: ALL TITLES ON THE LINE

The Beautiful People

VS.

Angelina Love and Tara

PREDICTION: All the titles switch! Or they don't! I don't care. Can ANYONE care after the Knockouts Title changed hands a week ago via Zelda treasure chest discovery?

"You got a Knockout's Title! This title has no value or worth. Collect five titles to form a new title container and increase your life energy!"

CAGE MATCH: LETHAL LOCKDOWN ADVANTAGE

Rob Van Dam

VS.

James Storm

PREDICTION: Wait, what? This is happening? What ever happened to a good old coin flip? Instead we're adding a NINTH cage match to this godforsaken event?! Jesus, Mary and Samoa Joseph.

CAGE MATCH

The Motor City Machine Guns

VS.

Brian Kendrick and Homicide

PREDICTION: I get excited to see this match until Matt Morgan comes out and pump kicks everyone. He then attempts to sound badass and crazy by calling himself "we," but instead it comes off as stupid.

CAGE MATCH: CAJUN STRAP STREET FIGHT 10 MINUTE IRON MAN MATCH - RAVEN'S RULES

Rob Terry (off-screen partner: Magnus)

VS.

Mick Foley (off-screen partner: Jeremy Borash)

VS.

Orlando Jordan (off-screen partner: this guy)

VS.

The debuting Shane Helms (off-screen partner: Rosey)

PREDICTION: This match is added with the stipulation that if you win you have to strip your off-screen partner and you don't know who your off-screen partner is but if your off-screen partner can score a pinfall in a match that happens backstage exclusively for the Lockdown FanFest fans before you score your pinfall in the ring then you have a chance to wrestle for the FanFest Off-Screen Title but first to be eligible you have to tie Raven up with the Cajun Strap and complete a skill-testing question.

I think Rob Terry will win.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON WIKIPEDIA: PPV CAGE MATCHES

With Lockdown coming up on Sunday, I thought it might be a good time to spend an unhealthy amount of time scouring the Internet for facts about steel cage matches on pay-per-view. Cool, RIGHT?!

This will just include TNA and WWE, for obvious reasons (ROH has only had a few PPVs), and for less obvious reasons (I don't like to shame ROH by including them in these silly ass comparisons too often). The only way I can explain that, is this:

It's like if you were comparing these three girls.

One was pretty hot, but with fake boobs and hair extensions and completely orange, but you've loved her all your life for some reason you can't explain. But she says stuff that doesn't make sense constantly, and she does not put out at all. And you're like, "but I could've sworn like ten, eleven years ago, you were such a slut!" and she's like "no way, never happened" and hangs out with these weird celebrities and you feel sad for her.

Then there's this other girl that just started hanging around kinda recently, but she's not hot AT ALL, and still has fake boobs and hair extensions, and she's totally fucking crazy and you just wish she'd get a hold of her life. But she also will do ANYTHING in bed, stuff the first girl would never even dream of, so at first it seems appealing, but after a few minutes you're too nauseous to continue. And she seems to hang out with all of your coolest best friends and turn them into big jerks with face tattoos, and you're like, "why are you treating my best friends like shit?!" and she just starts bragging about how she has six tits and how six tits are better than four tits and you are even more confused, but you still hang out with her because you just want to see your friends, but you don't really see them anymore, and if you do see them, it's only for like three minutes, tops.

And then there's this last girl who's not crazy hot, but she's pretty and natural and doesn't have a fake thing about her, and she's so smart and cool and likes all of the things you like, but the other two girls don't even know she exists. This girl wouldn't be caught dead with fake boobs or hair extensions or annoying friends or weird celebrities or caring about how many boobs you should have and you just want her to make up with her half-Japenese girlfriend because they got in a fight over this one guy and you feel like you can't hang out with them both at the same time, even though their both totally cool.

So obviously you can't compare the last girl to the first two because it's just demeaning. Right? Make sense? …

On with the show.

All stats cover from November 2004 to this Sunday, for both companies, as to properly compare them during the same time period.

NUMBER OF PPV STEEL CAGE MATCHES

WWE: 5

TNA: 46

Photo - WWE.com

This includes any standard steel cage setup. For TNA that means anything within the Six Sides of Steel, as long as there's not a change to the physical structure of it (i.e. electrifying the sides of the thing).

And just to clarify, that means in five and a half years time, the WWE has had five steel cage matches on pay-per-view, and TNA has had 46. Like one a year for WWE, and like 9 a year for TNA. Just... yeah.

NUMBER OF PPV STEEL CAGE MATCHES (ALL CAGE VARIATIONS INCLUDED)

WWE: 25

TNA: 49

This includes every steel cage match, plus anything that's a different shape. For WWE that means Elimination Chambers and HIAC's, and for TNA that just means the Steel Asylum.

NUMBER OF DIFFERENT STIPULATIONS/NAMES THERE HAVE BEEN FOR PPV CAGE MATCHES

WWE: 6

TNA: 16

Photo - TNAWrestling.com

WWE

- Steel Cage

- Hell In A Cell

- Elimination Chamber

- Barbed Wire Steel Cage

- Extreme Elimination Chamber

- Punjabi Prison

TNA

- Six Sides of Steel

- Steel Asylum

- Lethal Lockdown

- Three Degrees of Pain (Third Fall - Escape The Cage!)

- Xscape

- Six Sides of Steel - Weapons

- Six Sides of Steel - 2/3 Falls

- Six Sides of Steel - Tables

- Six Sides of Steel - Strap

- Six Sides of Steel - Anthem

- Six Sides of Steel - Guest Referee

- Six Sides of Steel - Blindfold

- Six Sides of Steel - Electrified

- Queen of the Cage

- Cuffed in the Cage

- And finally, Steel Cage!

You'd think that TNA having an event where every match is a cage match, but generally they don't have any other cage matches on PPV the rest of the year, that it would then average out to be the same as the WWE's PPV cage match frequency.

But nope.

I wonder how many years I'd have to go back through WWE PPVs until they caught up to TNA. I also wonder how long it takes until TNA does a reverse cage match.