A REVIEW OF ONE AND A HALF SHOWS: RAW AND IMPACT

I only watched the first half of Impact last night (not because RAW started - it was preempted by NCAA Basketball in Canada), more because I think it fried my brain. Here's what I wrote down as the shows went on:

IMPACT

- Christy Hemme appears on screen to hype the Knockouts tag match for tonight, which has some special stipulations. She says, "the rules are simple" and then goes on to describe the most convoluted rules I've ever heard for a match ever.

- Abyss coats the camera lens in his saliva.

- Ric Flair must be running on coke reserves from the 80's.

- RVD and Jeff Hardy make the save by following a slow old mom down the stairs of the Impact Zone. "Um... uh, excuse me... excuse me... sorry... I..."

- Homicide cashes in the "been off TV" Title shot briefcase!*

- There must've been 75 pounds of fake tits in that Knockouts promo.

- On Impact, the camera is constantly covered in some kind of crap. Beer, blood, Abyss' spittle...

- Orlando Jordan just came on himself. Is he paid to wrestle? Or just... I don't even know what you would call this.

- Taz, during one of Impact's three second "back from commercial but not really" breaks, just shouted LOCK BOX.

- Velvet Sky literally points inside her own butt as she gets in the ring.

- Tara wins a key. Maybe she'll retain her title or get her spider back if her special key unlocks the right lock box. Or maybe I'll turn the TV off and give my brain a rest.

- Lacey Von Erick does a moonsault to land on her feet then drop an elbow. Guess what? Did not work out so well.

- TNA loves these "you win and get a thing and the thing could be a good thing or a bad thing!" matches.

- That poor ring announcer... he has so much trouble getting all of these crazy rules announced. "The following contest is a ladder match! Where... the winner, um, must try and climb to get the key where... the key unlocks the cage door at Lockdown! And, well... I suppose he'll have to... pack the key in his luggage and bring it to Lockdown, I... don't know, I guess... ahem."

- Five KEYS will be won by the end of the show.*

- Maybe more keys will be won by the end of the show. The key to Abyss's orange hummer, maybe.

- 8:57: Ladder Match starts.

- 8:58: Kurt Angle almost certainly herniates a disc on the ladder. The suplex looked NASTY.

- 9:01: Kurt Angle is dead (That fall to the outside made me cry out in sorrow like a mourning dog).

- 9:06: Match over. I turn off my TV.

In all fairness, that Ladder Match was fun as hell for what it was (scary for Kurt Angle's immediate health). And, in all honesty, the entire show was fun as hell too, but (as always) because it makes me feel like I am on hard drugs while watching it.

Both RAW and Impact have GREAT reasons to watch the show. It just so happens Impact's reasons are more like the reasons you watch Jersey Shore: because it's an absolute trainwreck and you can't look away. That's fine. I watched Jersey Shore. It was a blast. But I would never pay to watch Jersey Shore on PPV.

And Impact does have these nice glowing little nuggest of hope whenever you see guys like Generation Me wrestle, or even that Ladder Match, or RVD tearing it up and the crowd going mental. But for now, Impact makes my brain leak out of my ears and part of me enjoys that.

RAW

Here is the problem I have when I watch Impact and RAW in the same night. I find myself more seriously enjoying RAW for the solid wrestling (Christian/DiBiase was great, Orton/Swagger too) and wondering where each storyline will go. But I always find it hard to remember what exactly happens on RAW when Orlando Jordan jizzes all over himself and ten people are gushing blood on Impact.

Anyway, here's what I wrote down:

- Swagger's "World Heavyweight Title Address" thing is amazing. People are hating the fuck out of him for reading from a book.

- There's a huge nerd in a white hat booing John Cena ONLY when he sees himself on the titantron. What a dork.

- HAHA. "I have earned this my friend and I am saying you have not earned what you have!" Sometimes John Cena's gimmick is just too fucking funny. Like a parody of a generic superhero in a Saturday morning cartoon.

- David Otunga has "RAW" shaved into his head. This man is a father.

- WHOA that psych-out RKO was badass. I hope he keeps doing shit like that. Orton tweenin' is badass. At least they're not just buddying him up with Cena continuously. Them teaming together last week was a bit annoying, but whatever. What I saw of Impact erased my entire memory anyway.

- OH SNAP MILLION DOLLAR BELT AND FORTUNATE SONS REFERENCE

- "Could you imagine what that Million Dollar Championship would've cost?!" - Jerry Lawler

- Wow, clean win over Christian. Great match.

- Orton/Swagger was another great match with an EPIC gutwrench to RKO counter. Glad Swagger looked strong against Orton who's on a babyface/tween tear of badassery right now.

In conclusion, Swagger looked super strong on Smackdown last week after winning the title and he stood toe to toe with like a 78-time World Champion in Randy Orton. I don't expect Swagger to look like a God in coming weeks, but it'd be cool if he could be built over some time as getting stronger.