Monday, April 12, 2010


That was terrible. And not entirely true. Or spelled correctly.

As explained last week (or the week before. I tend to forget when I do things because I watch naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day), there is so little crossover between RAW and Impact for Canadians now that there is literally no point in me doing my "Flipping Between" reviews, since I flip like once and then there's no more flipping to be done. Impact starts at 8 (with a pre-show at 7!) and RAW starts at 9:15, so you do the math, because I don't do math because I watch naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day.

Here's what I wrote down while watching both shows tonight (which may be a bit more than usual since I missed out on doing a preview earlier today):

APRIL 12TH, 2010
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- How many gimmick matches has TNA had/will they have, in like 3 weeks total? Not just that, but how about SPONTANEOUS gimmick matches?! Post-show research shows that the number I'm looking for is thirteen.

Okay, it's not exactly fair to include Lockdown in that number (well it is), but still, six gimmick matches in three weeks on free TV is a bit hyperactive, don't you think?

- Motor City are so fucking great. Alex Shelley alone has the potential to be such a massive star if he's treated the right way I think. He looks like the most relevant dude in either major company today. I love that they're jobbing to Matt Morgan as I write this.

- People in TNA do not watch their own show.


Next segment - Tara: "Angelina Love, you know what they say, "KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE, AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER"

They DO say that! In fact, Eric Bischoff just said that.

- As the Leather and Lace-- no, The Handcuffed Beatdown-- No, I Quit Match-- no, Strip You Naked With the Help of My Best Friends Match was going on, my girlfriend said - "You can really see how high quality WWE is after watching this." I should also point out she put air quotes around "high quality," implying that high quality for wrestling is measured on a different scale than real life things.

- Tara took a Jack Swagger amount of time getting those handcuffs off.

- Welp, RAW's on. I was having a great time watching TNA half-assedly while cooking dinner (Kaz/Moore was pretty damn awesome, and once again, the X-Division pulls the hottest reaction from the Impact Zone for the night), but once I started paying attention, it started sucking. Coincidence? I dun think so.


- Christy Hemme: "Abyss IS in the ambalance."

- Abyss was hit by a car after telling Desmond Wolfe to try and kill him. Probably shouldn't have done that.

- Turned back in time to see Hogan's look of sorrow. The end!


- What is this fucking HOFF CHANT? Oh my good lord this is epic as all hell. KNIGHT RIDER OH MY GOD I LITERALLY PISSED MY PANTS HELP.

- Look at that jacket. This will be the most hilarious RAW of all time.

- As I watch this, an unfortunate thought crosses my mind. If this was happening on TNA, I would probably pan it into the ground. Sad. But I am a WWE mark, when compared to TNA… but also, TNA hasn't proved itself to be able to have this kind of chaos without it seeming totally retarded and cheap.


- Haha. Hasselhoff for permanent RAW GM. Now he just told everyone to shutup for no reason.

- Booing SMACKDOWN?! Too much wrestling?! Logic?! REASON?! AH GAD

- Jackie Swagger should definitely be his new name forever.

- So Jackie Swagger will defend the World Title TO Randy Orton. "I think this title looks cool, I don't care what you say."

- Hoff looks like he's being awarded Eve as she runs to the ring.

- Cole: "I'd love to sit around and watch football with Eve." Subtext: I do not have a functioning male penis.

- I thought she might take it. Eve wins the prestigious Divas Title!

- How many references are there to getting on your knees in WWE entrance music? Miz, Swagger, Suck It... there has to be more.

- Miz is getting crazy over with all dat gold.

- "WHO BETTAH THAN SHOMIZ?!" … poor timing Miz. :(

- YES. Bret Hart. More Hart Dynasty. OMG I am foaming at the mouth. Goddamn I love Bret Hart. No number of shitty WrestleMania 26 matches could make me not love this man.

- HUGE British Bulldogs pop.

- Oh my god Miz. You can catch heat like a fucking solar flare. He makes me flush in the face with rage whenever he talks down to MY BELOVED BRET.

- The tag titles have been elevated in a new way, even though I should've noticed this a while ago. Being given the ability to appear on both shows is such a sign of confidence in a team that they can carry their weight in the ring and on the mic.

- I can't get enough of the Hart Dynasty as a stable with Bret. It gives me a wrestling boner with a maple leaf tattoo.

- Anytime RAW has gone to commercial and I've switched to Impact, it's been on commercial. Poor timing for TNA in Canada. They can't control it, just a bummer.

- Also, anytime I tune in to Impact, when it actually is airing, someone is getting BRUTALLY ATTACKED. Abyss hit by a car, Jeff Hardy set on fire, Eric Young chasing people with a hockey stick, clips of James Storm blasting RVD with a beer bottle. Everything happens on every show, which is just another way of saying nothing happens on every show.

- I love Nattie Neidhart on the outside. She looks so friggin' invested in every second of the match.

- DH using the Davey Boy stalling vertical tickles my previously mentioned wrestling boner.

- Had to kill a spider and came back to see Otunga and Batista on screen at the same time. I cursed that spider and cut a promo on it because I was so pissed.

- Nice! Evan Bourne wrestling! If I hear Sheamus' music next, I'll cry. Okay good there's a jobber already in the rin-- wait it's Carlito! Well… I guess my original comment still stands.

- Wait a minute… this seems weird. I fear Sheamus could appear at any moment and dole out some pump kicks.

- Oh gad… Bourne really smacked his head on the mat. Fucking Carlito!

- No one gets apathy heat quite like Carlito.

- Holy fuckbots that corner leg lariat/knee to a sitting Carlito was insane.

- Best SSP in the business right there. Wordpad just auto-corrected "thurr" to "there" for me. Probably worked out for the best.

- Really good to see Evan Bourne getting a singles win without getting wallpapered by Sheamus or something. I could go for a Bourne match every week where he pulls out a win, or looks like an actual contender.

- Overwhelming boos for Cena. Anyone I talk to who doesn't watch wrestling is outraged at the jorts that John Cena wears. But the trunks that Otunga wears are made out of that material that your butt apparently loves to eat up, and that doesn't help either.

- Batista is undressing LIKE A MAN POSSESSED.

- LOFL. Holy fucking crap I never realized that when Triple H hit Sheamus in the gut with the sledgehammer, Michael Cole yelled "FEELTHEWRATH" … what?!

- Kofi has fallen back to generic babyface. I almost think he needs to turn heel so we can -- (as I was writing this, Kofi said "I just spoke to David Hasselhoff!" and I laughed out loud at the idea that if you want to make a match you have to consult David Hasselhoff)-- see some of that mean streak he showed against Randy Orton.

- Good to see Kofi looked like a big threat after being jobbed out last week. He and big Shame stepped it up.

- Good to see the women on both shows are being degraded tonight.

- Also, the Carlito/Kozlov thing is awesome, logical, and hilarious all at the same time. OF COURSE they should blame the guest hosts for not getting matches, and OF COURSE it sounds fucking stupid saying you'll take out your frustrations on MacGruber.

- Michael Cole: "I wish the lifeguards looked like this at my community pool." Implying that this nerd goes to his community pool. Implying that the lifeguards at his community pool are nasty fugly hoes. Implying that he looks at these nasty lifeguards and wishes he had Kelly Kelly to look at and have to hide his half-boner in the shallow end.

- If I had a fever dream 10 years ago, it might've gone something like this: "I was watching Raw, but it wasn't Raw, because David Hasselhoff was there and all of these girls were in baywatch suits, and this guy swallowed a whistle so a midget came running out (also dressed like he was on baywatch) and everyone cheered when he jumped on the man's tummy. Also, Michael Cole's moustache was missing."

- How many clip on lights and tiny TV monitors do you think they take on tour with them? This is a legitimate question for which I expect no answer.

- "Look at the eyes." - Michael Cole. That will be etched on his tombstone.

- Out of nowhere RKO: will never not be awesome.

- Swagger got some SERIOUS heat for taking out Orton. Nice.

- John Cena is going to have a fucking aneurism with all of that Warrior flexing. At least he proved he can count to ten, unlike the actual Warrior.

At the end of it all, both shows were fun to watch in their own way. Impact had me for some of it, lost me for a lot of it, but still gave me that "if I look away I could miss someone dying!" feeling. RAW was fun the whole way through and had an Evan Bourne match that didn't end in a vicious Sheamus beatdown. I think everyone won tonight.

Hope this wasn't excruciatingly long to read. Apparently I had a lot of thoughts tonight. And more swearing than usual. Sorry mom.

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