Let's start with this (Thanks to Monkey Man from the GSB/POW):
Now that that's out of the way, on to the rest of what is a hilarious read, unless if you have any kind of money invested in TNA.
Spoilers courtesy of PWInsider, with my "favourite" parts in bold:
* Before the tapings started, the Impact Zone crowd was addressed by members of the TNA staff. They talked to the crowd about not cursing, making obscene gestures, or gang signs. They called the crowd 'cast members' and basically told the crowd that they needed to be quiet.
* Hernandez and Matt Morgan defeated The British Invasion to retain the TNA Tag Titles. During the match, Rob Terry came out and had his X Division Title shot briefcase. Brutus tried to use the briefcase on Hernandez during the match, but he missed and hit Doug Williams instead. Hernandez pinned Williams.
* After the match, Mick Foley came out and he hit Rob Terry with a chair. After Hernandez and Morgan left the ring, Foley said something to the camera that could not be heard by the crowd.
* After pyro goes off, Ric Flair comes to the ring with two women. Flair says that he hates Hulk Hogan, but he loves TNA. Flair says that he is here to find the next 'Nature Boy'. Flair then brings out the 'next heavyweight champion' A.J. Styles. Styles comes to the ring in a suit and he is accompanied by a woman. Styles puts over the beautiful women in the ring and then the crowd chants 'You are married'. This causes Styles to laugh and there was an awkward pause. A.J. cuts a promo that utilized a style similar to his new mentor.
* Kurt Angle comes to the ring with Hulk Hogan. Hogan says that he has changed his mind about Genesis being Angle's last title shot because he runs the show. Hogan announces that Kurt Angle versus A.J. Styles will happen tonight. Hogan says that it is 'damn real'.
* Orlando Jordan defeats D'Angelo Dinero with a Flatliner.
* It was announced that Ken Anderson will face Jeff Jarrett tonight.
* Angelina Love defeated Madison Rayne after a bicycle kick. After the match, Love ripped Madison's shirt off and choked her with it. Velvet and Lacey come to the ring and they attack Love with the 'ugly stick'.
* Hogan and Bischoff come out. They are tired of The Band running around and they want to see them wrestle. The Band come out and Waltman is smoking. Hogan says that since they don't have contracts, they don't have contracts, they don't work for TNA. Hogan has security escort them out of the building.
* Nasty Boys defeated Kevin Nash and Eric Young when Saggs pinned Young after a pumphandle drop.
* Mr. Anderson comes to the ring to cut a promo. He talks about his victory over Abyss at Genesis. Abyss is standing behind him and he attacks Anderson until Anderson is able to get out of the ring.
* A.J. Styles defeated Kurt Angle with an ankle lock. This match was described as an 'Orlando Screw Job'. Earl Hebner was the referee for this match and he had them ring the bell. Styles, Flair, and Hebner left the ringside area. After the match, Hulk Hogan came out and Angle spat in his face. Angle went to the announce table and took Mike Tenay's chair and throw it into the stage.
* Eric Bischoff comes out with blood on his forehead and states that Mick Foley is fired and then he leaves.
* In an Xplosion Match: Dr. Stevie defeated Homicide with a Stevie-T.
* Hernandez and Matt Morgan defeated The British Invasion to retain the TNA Tag Titles. During the match, Rob Terry came out and had his X Division Title shot briefcase. Brutus tried to use the briefcase on Hernandez during the match, but he missed and hit Doug Williams instead. Hernandez pinned Williams.
* After the match, Mick Foley came out and he hit Rob Terry with a chair. After Hernandez and Morgan left the ring, Foley said something to the camera that could not be heard by the crowd.
* After pyro goes off, Ric Flair comes to the ring with two women. Flair says that he hates Hulk Hogan, but he loves TNA. Flair says that he is here to find the next 'Nature Boy'. Flair then brings out the 'next heavyweight champion' A.J. Styles. Styles comes to the ring in a suit and he is accompanied by a woman. Styles puts over the beautiful women in the ring and then the crowd chants 'You are married'. This causes Styles to laugh and there was an awkward pause. A.J. cuts a promo that utilized a style similar to his new mentor.
* Kurt Angle comes to the ring with Hulk Hogan. Hogan says that he has changed his mind about Genesis being Angle's last title shot because he runs the show. Hogan announces that Kurt Angle versus A.J. Styles will happen tonight. Hogan says that it is 'damn real'.
* Orlando Jordan defeats D'Angelo Dinero with a Flatliner.
* It was announced that Ken Anderson will face Jeff Jarrett tonight.
* Angelina Love defeated Madison Rayne after a bicycle kick. After the match, Love ripped Madison's shirt off and choked her with it. Velvet and Lacey come to the ring and they attack Love with the 'ugly stick'.
* Hogan and Bischoff come out. They are tired of The Band running around and they want to see them wrestle. The Band come out and Waltman is smoking. Hogan says that since they don't have contracts, they don't have contracts, they don't work for TNA. Hogan has security escort them out of the building.
* Nasty Boys defeated Kevin Nash and Eric Young when Saggs pinned Young after a pumphandle drop.
* Mr. Anderson comes to the ring to cut a promo. He talks about his victory over Abyss at Genesis. Abyss is standing behind him and he attacks Anderson until Anderson is able to get out of the ring.
* A.J. Styles defeated Kurt Angle with an ankle lock. This match was described as an 'Orlando Screw Job'. Earl Hebner was the referee for this match and he had them ring the bell. Styles, Flair, and Hebner left the ringside area. After the match, Hulk Hogan came out and Angle spat in his face. Angle went to the announce table and took Mike Tenay's chair and throw it into the stage.
* Eric Bischoff comes out with blood on his forehead and states that Mick Foley is fired and then he leaves.
* In an Xplosion Match: Dr. Stevie defeated Homicide with a Stevie-T.
What might be the most strange about this show is that the matches they announced (which look sweet), don't seem to be on the show.
Also, these things also happened:
To update the iMPACT spoilers from earlier, TNA taped what appear to be part of next Thursday's show right after in Orlando tonight. Unless TNA mixes things up, it looks like below is part of the January 28th show. Thanks to JP Nichols and PWInsider.com.
* Desmond Wolfe defeated Sean Morley with the Tower of London. This was a qualifying match for a tournament at Against All Odds to determine the number one contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Title at Lockdown.
* Hernandez defeated Daniels in another qualifying match for the tournament at Against All Odds.
* Ken Anderson defeats Jeff Jarrett after a low blow. Jarrett tried for the Stroke during the match but Anderson used the low blow. After the match, Anderson hit the Mic Check and then did his usual mic work.
* Desmond Wolfe defeated Sean Morley with the Tower of London. This was a qualifying match for a tournament at Against All Odds to determine the number one contender for the TNA World Heavyweight Title at Lockdown.
* Hernandez defeated Daniels in another qualifying match for the tournament at Against All Odds.
* Ken Anderson defeats Jeff Jarrett after a low blow. Jarrett tried for the Stroke during the match but Anderson used the low blow. After the match, Anderson hit the Mic Check and then did his usual mic work.
I challenge ANYONE to make a list of TNA's roster and divide them into faces and heels. I guarantee that if you were to gather like ten people and ask them to do this, no two lists would look alike.
I can't believe I had hope for TNA. Thankfully, TNA hope doesn't stick around quite as long as THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY.
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