I have valuable information about why you paid 45 of your hard-earned dollars for that thing that happened yesterday.
They don't want me to tell you. But given the circumstances, the dire circumstances (and they are dire), I will risk my own life in telling you what I'm about to tell you.
THE WWE HAS HYPNOTIZED US ALL
You don't believe me.
You shouldn't. Because you're under their wicked spell.
Placing millions of people under a hypnotic trance for 12 years is the only way to explain people accepting Sheamus as WWE Champion (alongside Bret Hart, Ric Flair, Steve Austin...), or defending Undertaker vs. Batista as being a "good" match last night, or any one of the ass-backwards things that's happened in the past few years.
It's the reason why you turn in every goddamned week without fail, even if you still complain about it.
It's the reason why you think matches that are barely good are "great."
I'm just as guilty as you. Last night I was grasping at straws trying to find a reason why it was good that Sheamus won or CM Punk wasn't on the show (or lost to R-Truth in a dark match, rather!), or why the crowd went so crazy for the Taker/'Tist/Teddy Long abomination of a finish. I mean, I've known about the hypnotization for some time now, I guess I just didn't think it could run so DEEP!
But how could they do it, you ask? How the FUCK could they hypnotize so many of us into giving them our irrational, unwavering loyalty for this long?
Thursday Raw Thursday.
I don't know if there was some kind of hypno-radiation, or if it was just subliminal audio tricks, but this is definitely it. If you saw this as a kid, you're as good as fucked. You've shelled out more money on WWE in the past twelve years than at least one of your basic needs of shelter, food or clothing. I'm pretty serious about this.
All I can say about what's happening in the WWE right now... is to quote a great fictional man: the night is darkest just before the dawn. But even that is me just talking with blind hope, because Thursday Raw Thursday is coursing through my veins.
Watching this twice CAN deprogram you. But I can't guarantee it. Godspeed.
Raw should be sweet tonight though.
I thi--WAIT NO!!!!11 I CAN'T BE TRICKED AGAIN
SPREAD THE WORD TO THY NEIGHBOUR
OR MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS