Friday, January 1, 2010



Guys, I'm going out on a limb here. I think he can do it.


It's crazy shit, I know. But I'm going to be bold and be the first person to predict that the Undertaker will win a match at this year's WrestleMania!

In fact, I'll just lay out my Undertaker WM predictions for the rest of his career. But first, his history:

VII: def. Jimmy Snuka
VIII: def. Jake Roberts
IX: def. Giant Gonzalez via DQ (They prolly had to keep Gonzalez strong)
XI: def. King Kong Bundy
XII: def. Diesel
13: def. Sycho Sid for the WWF Championship
XIV: def. Kane
XV: def. The Big Bossman via hanging
X-Seven: def. Triple H in his only career loss
X8: def. Ric Flair
XIX: def. The Big Show and A-Train (with the help of good friend Nathan Jones!)
XX: def. Kane
21: def. Randy Orton
22: def. Mark Henry
23: def. Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship
XXIV: def. Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship
XXV: def. Shawn Michaels in a "bet you'll cry when we're gone and retired" match

XXVI: def. CM Punk
- We finally get our big Punk/Undertaker match. But this time, the angle is all about Punk trying to prove to everyone that the Undertaker is on drugs, because clearly, if you believe you're a deadman, you're high as a kite. Punk's straight-edge army is built around wanting to expose the Undertaker, and the Phenom has to fight off Luke Gallows, and a (re)returning Nick Dinsmore (formerly Eugene).

XX-Seven: def. John Morrison
- Morrison gets his biggest match to date against an aging Undertaker. They steal the show. Morrison is further pegged as this generation's Shawn Michaels.

XXVIII: def. Kurt Angle
- Angle returns after leaving TNA, and is crazier than ever. Taker wins and Angle has a temper tantrum.

XXIX: def. Sheamus
- Sheamus has gone on a Triple H style reign of terror and won the World Titles a combination of eleven times in three years, as well as accumulating a WM streak of 3-0. Undertaker defeats him, looking super slow, despite being on a Road to WM-only schedule.

XXX: def. Kane
- Kane comes out of early retirement to lose to his brother for a third time at WrestleMania. The Kane character is then "killed off" in some kind of absurdly firey pyro explosion, because Vince McMahon is becoming senile.

31: def. Bryan Danielson
- Bryan Danielson has become the biggest star since John Cena, but Taker still goes over him because the streak cannot end! Danielson taps to the weakest looking Hell's Gates, because the Deadman is barely mobile. Wrestling fans everywhere shed a tear.

32: def. AJ Styles
- Vince McMahon has bought TNA, and NEEDS to bury all of their talent! So what better way than having their last champion lose to a fully-grey, wheelchair-sporting Undertaker in two minutes flat! 24-0!

XXXV: def. Vince McMahon
- After taking three years off, Undertaker comes back looking like an actual Dead Man to face a completely senile Vince McMahon in a feud that makes no sense. Undertaker wins when he collapses in the ring and is placed on Vince McMahon by the official, as Vince yells for the referee to do so, because Undertaker is actually dead, but Vince won't let the streak die (and is batshit crazy). Long live the Undertaker('s streak!)! Vince McMahon lives on because he is fucking immortal.

XXXVI: def. Kane and Vince McMahon
- Turns out that Vince is somehow crazier than anyone ever could have imagined, as he worked Undertaker's death for publicity, and one year later, Taker returns to get his revenge in a feud that still doesn't make sense, because Kane is there, who died a couple WrestleMania's ago. All three men die of a triple-threat heart attack.

The show goes on for the big main event of Sheamus vs. Drew McIntyre for the WWE Championship though!

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