USELESS RAW REVIEW! - 01/11/10

Just to keep a theme.

Anyway, I'll keep it in point form.

LIKED

- Mike Tyson for all the wrong reasons. Dude is fucking insane. Seriously. His description of what he would do to Hornswoggle given the chance was essentially a Saw movie synopsis, and I loved it. It felt like the most real thing to happen on RAW in a hundred years.

- MVP/Miz. That promo was good to start (with Miz's soliloquy backstage), started to slip in the middle with MVP coming out, then finally started to hit some nerves in the finish. I just wish that people gave a shit about MVP, because he killed it tonight.

- Shockingly, Sheamus. I thought he did a good job. That opening segment was actually pretty good until the second half of it when Kofi was saying his memorized fifth grade speech. Can't the script just call for Kofi to interrupt Orton, Cena and Sheamus - and let him fill in the rest? I honestly felt like he was taking lines from a teleprompter.

DID NOT LIKE

- The goddamned wrestling. There wasn't a single wrestling match on the entire show. There were two piss-poor Divas matches, a fake main event, a tag match that meant nothing and a silly over-the-top rope challenge that blew my mind (again, for all the wrong reasons).

- Speaking of which, that match was fucking stupid. I'm sorry to swear, but I'm a smidge upset, fellers. Jack Swagger's new gimmick seems to be "making grand statements about his future, and failing instantly!" ... Does that make sense? That made sense for Santino Marella, a comedy character who loses so we can laugh. Now Jack Swagger is LOSING TO THAT VERY CHARACTER. WTF.

- Vince. I always expect him to bring it, because he usually does. Tonight felt pretty useless.

- DX. We need to get on with a heel turn of some kind.

- The crowd. They were so weird. They seemed super marky and super hot at the beginning, booing Sheamus and Orton out of the building... then a Cena Sucks chant broke out. I always find WWE wrestling way more fun to watch when the crowd is just totally buying every second. They cheer the faces and boo the heels and erupt when someone wins. That seemed to be the case at the start of the night, but didn't really hold true for the rest of it.

- Michael Cole.

I've decided that from here on in I'm going to judge RAW the only way it should be judged - do you wish you were there? Do you wish that you'd paid 80+ dollars to be front row at that show? Because that is the only way a wrestling show should really be judged, right?

So for tonight, I give it a wholehearted NO.

Last week, yes - only because of Bret Hart.

So WWE, you're 1-1 for 2010. See you next week.

Because I'm brainwashed and will watch every week.