Clearly this has been thought of before. I'm not going to make a big huff about how I think pro wrestling could be done in the Olympics (hint: it can't!), but all of the excitement of the Men's Hockey starting today has me fired up like Brent Albright.
So, for some nerdy shits and giggles, let's pretend (because wrestling is pretend) that pro wrestling IS in the Olympics, ENTIRELY in kayfabe.
Some simple rules and restrictions: each nation needs a team captain, head coach, trainer, 5 singles wrestlers (including captain), 2 tag teams and one women's wrestler. Your staff can be retired from active competition, but your wrestlers have to be active as of today.
This is ridiculous so don't judge me.
TEAM
CANADA
STAFF
HEAD COACH: Bret "Hitman" Hart
TRAINER: Lance Storm
TOWEL BOY: "Mississauga's Own" Santino Marella
TEAM MASCOT: The Mountie
MEN'S SINGLES
CAPTAIN: Chris Jericho
"The Rated R Superstar" Edge
Christian
Kenny Omega
Robert Roode
TAG TEAMS
"The Hart Dynasty" David Hart Smith & Tyson Kidd
"Steenerico" Kevin Steen & El Generico
OLYMPIC DIVA
Natalya Neidhart
MEDALS AND HIGHLIGHTS
GOLD in Submission Wrestling
Got screwed everywhere else
TEAM
USA
STAFF
CO-TRAINERS: Stone Cold Steve Austin & "Nature Boy" Ric Flair
TOWEL BOY: Tazz
TEAM MASCOT: "The Patriot" Del Wilkes
MEN'S SINGLES
TEAM CAPTAIN: "The Game" Triple H
John Cena
"Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels
Kurt Angle (Where are YOUR Gold Medals?!)
"The Phenomenal" AJ Styles
TAG TEAMS
"ShoMiz" The Big Show & The Miz
"American Wolves" Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards
OLYMPIC DIVA
Mickie James
HIGHLIGHTS AND MEDALS
GOLD in Squash Matches
GOLD in Glass Ceiling (Long Track)
Finished last in Maintaining-Kayfabe Marathon
TEAM
JAPAN
STAFF
HEAD COACH: Kenta Kobashi
TRAINER: Antonio Inoki
TOWEL BOY: Danshoku Dino
TEAM MASCOT: YOSHIHIKO
MEN'S SINGLES
TEAM CAPTAIN: Jun Akiyama
KENTA
Naomichi Marufuji
Go Shiozaki
Takeshi Morishima
TAG TEAMS
"Kensuke Office" Kensuke Sasaki & Katsuhiko Nakajima
Yoshinobu Kanemaru & Kotaro Suzuki
OLYMPIC DIVA
Awesome Kong
HIGHLIGHTS AND MEDALS
GOLD in Freestyle Wrestling
GOLD in Fighting Spirit Long Program
DNF in Backstage Comedy Skits
TEAM
UNITED KINGDOM
STAFF
HEAD COACH: Johnny Saint
TRAINER: Finlay
TOWEL BOY: Hornswoggle
TEAM MASCOTS: The Highlanders
MEN'S SINGLES
TEAM CAPTAIN: William Regal
"The Celtic Warrior" Sheamus
Desmond Wolfe
Drew McIntyre
Paul Burchill
TAG TEAMS
"British Invasion" Brutus Magnus & Doug Williams
"Irish Airborne" Dave & Jake Crist
OLYMPIC DIVA
Katie Lea Burchill
HIGHLIGHTS AND MEDALS
GOLD in Chain Wrestling
GOLD in Twisty-Wrist-Flippy-Move Program
Finished last in World Title Picture
TEAM
MEXICO
STAFF
HEAD COACHES: The Guerrero Family
TRAINER: Jorge Rivera
TOWEL BOY: Chavo Guerrero
TEAM MASCOT: Aldo Montoya
MEN'S SINGLES
TEAM CAPTAIN: Rey Mysterio
Hernandez
Mistico
Ricky Marvin
TAG TEAMS
"The Mexicools" Juventud Guerrera & Psicosis
"The Colons" Primo & Carlito (posing as Mexicans! ... my imagination is running thin)
OLYMPIC DIVA
Vickie Guerrero
HIGHLIGHTS AND MEDALS
GOLD in Lucha Libre
GOLD in Arm Drag Decathlon
GOLD in Unnecessary Boobies
TEAM
GHANA
Photo courtesy of Scott Finkelstein's Get Lost Photography
STAFF
HEAD COACH: Prince Nana
TRAINER: Prince Nana
TOWEL BOY: Mr. Ernesto
TEAM MASCOT: Jade Chung
MEN'S SINGLES
TEAM CROWN JEWEL: Jimmy Rave
Claudio Castagnoli
Bison Smith
Alex Shelley
Kofi Kingston
TAG TEAMS
"The Hired Magnum" Joey Ryan & Erick Stevens
OLYMPIC DIVA
Sara Del Rey
HIGHLIGHTS AND MEDALS
GOLD in Men's Singles
GOLD in Tag Team Wrestling
GOLD in Women's Singles
GOLD in Eight-Man Elimination Tag Team Wrestling
GOLD in the Olympic Battle Royale
Disqualified for paying off judges
TEAM
PARTS UNKNOWN
STAFF
HEAD COACH: Ultimate Warrior
TRAINER: Gangrel
TOWEL BOY: Giant Gonzalez
TEAM MASCOTS: The Executioner, Doink, Dink, Phantasio,
MEN'S SINGLES
TEAM CAPTAIN: The Undertaker
Kane
Delirious
TAG TEAMS
"Demolition" Ax, Smash & Crush
"The Fake Imposter Brothers of Destruction" Fake Undertaker & Imposter Kane
OLYMPIC DIVA
Chyna
HIGHLIGHTS AND MEDALS
GOLD in Menacing Face Relay
GOLD in Vague Promos
GOLD in "LOOK AT HIS EYES" Michael Cole Emoting Competition
Medal Ceremony made awkward when lights dim and smoke fills room in place of having a traditional national anthem.
I'd watch. The opening ceremonies would be worth it alone.
What do you think? Any changes to the teams? Events? This is stupid? I know.
*slow clap*
ReplyDeleteI have multiple complaints!!!!
ReplyDelete1. Robert Roode? Really???
2. Jun Akiyama's broken down body would be Team Japan's downfall.
3. Too much NOAH! NOAH rules, but spread the love!!!
4. The PORTUGESE Man O' War is the mascot for Team MEXICO????
FAILURE! FAILURE, I SAY!!!
lofl
ReplyDelete1. Name someone better! ... Please. I was ashamed to put him on.
2. Truth, but he would captain them to victory! More his leadership than physical capabilities.
3. Sadly I really only watch NOAH for puro. Although I did see Marufuji vs. Prince Devitt for the IWGP Jr. Title last night which was a goddamned great match.
4. I HATE MEXICANS
>_>
all valid complaints.
jesus Mitch, nothing i read makes me laugh so hard.
ReplyDeleteI think vague promos might be my favorite event. But seriously I have been watching a lot of tandem figure skating lately, and it's pretty much pro wrestling but instead of slamming each other in to the ground they catch each other, plus they wear spandex.
also where in the heal did you get that parts unknown picture from?
ReplyDelete