Thursday, February 4, 2010


I've gone off on the guest host thing before. But this is getting just completely out of hand.

They are scraping a goddamn hole through the bottom of the barrel (the barrel that holds celebrities that NO ONE REMEMBERS).

Seriously, I'm pretty sure I could pick up every magazine on the rack at the supermarket, flip through and NEVER see Jewel. Does she have any reason to be on TV? Oh, I forgot she's in a celebrity supercouple with uh... with...


Can this madness stop? I feel like I've slipped into an alternate LOST universe where my dead dad is haunting me and JEWEL IS THE GM OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW.

Sometimes I can be really forgiving of the guest host concept. But most times I just feel Vince McMahon's 64-year-old wrinkly penis smacking me in the face.

To really embrace the guest host concept you need to huff glue until you destroy the part of your brain that understands logic. I don't even need to get into this, because everyone knows it, but why the hell should I just believe without question that Jewel knows what she's doing, making matches that could affect WrestleMania?

Because wrestling's fake!

That's the first answer ANYONE will think of when they watch RAW and hear that someone new is in charge every week. "Why does the Counting Crows guy get to say who fights for the World Title? Oh right, wrestling's fake. What else is on?"

Yeah, everyone knows wrestling is fake, but it's way the fuck more enjoyable when the guys making the show at least try and present it as kind of real. Because when they put on a show that just screams THIS IS FAKE because it doesn't make sense, you instantly feel stupid for watching. How much fun would a movie be if the actors kept being like "You know this is fake right? We don't even love each other. We're acting. Duh!"

I didn't mean to rant this hard, but I got one last thing:

How PISSED are old wrestlers right now? Like old, OLD wrestlers. Guys who would beat the holy fuck out of anybody who wanted to be a wrestler, to prove it was real. Or if anybody called wrestling fake to their face, they'd punch a hole through their head.

Now ANYBODY can just get in the ring and wrestle. Hey, you have a movie out like a year and a half ago? Get in the ring! You host a show about celebrity gossip? Go for it!

These old guys that protected the business with their LIVES would throw up into their hands if they watched RAW. Seeing John Heder or Cedric the Entertainer get in the ring and get tossed around, or win a match against REAL WRESTLERS, just takes a nasty dump all over pro wrestling.

Sure it gets you on SportsCenter, but can't you do that by presenting yourself as a SPORT?!

I don't know. I just saw that Jewel was hosting RAW and my brain wasn't prepared for that sort of trauma.

I'm probably going to wake up tomorrow and regret how you can practically smell the nerdy rage sweats coming through this post.

P.S. I'm sorry Jewel. You seem nice and all. Just leave my precious wrestling alone!


  1. Never regret this post. Never! Its full of truth. No matter what Thursday Raw Thursday retard rules we end up applying to WWE from this point on,(which us and every other nerd on the internet always will) the Road to Wrestlemania with guest hosts will never be as good as it was before (even when it sucked).


    I was almost going to say, imagine twelve years ago if someone was like "Jewel is going to host RAW tonight." ... but then I realized she would be way more relevant then.