Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Normally I don't give a fuck about match times. But tonight was fucking horrendous.

You know what, it's not even about match times. If a match goes a few minutes but can still tell some kind of story, or entertain me with some cool spots, then awesome. In fact, this just happened a few weeks ago when Evan Bourne and The Miz wrestled (TH of The Wrestling Blog had a pretty passionate post about this very match and topic). It's about entertaining me and making me want to buy your stupid pay-per-view. Nothing happened on RAW tonight that did either of those two things. Actually, the two good things about RAW tonight were both from Smackdown.

But why bother making a big deal about a 900th/whatever hundreth episode when it's so easy to see through all of the hyperbole Michael Cole is spouting (and sometimes not - I'm pretty sure he admitted how bad the show was at one point) because of how shitty the show is.

Well, I guess that's the whole point. Market the show as a big milestone and a must-see show, even though they don't really have anything of worth planned. I don't know how many times people will keep tuning in and buying the bullshit when the WWE continuously don't deliver on promises of a good show, unless if the power of Thursday Raw Thursday is still potent after 500 episodes or whatever.

I hate shitting on the things I love (as I mention time and time again) but when I go to hug the thing I love, and the thing I love lets out a big rotten fart, this is how I react.

On with the depressing review.

Photo - WWE.com

- The teaming of ROH Alums Bryan Danielson and Low Ki. Upon seeing Daniel Bryan and Kaval teaming together, I sent a text to Steve (Burning Spirit) that only said "HOLY ERIC." I meant EPIC, but in my flustered state my T9 betrayed me.

- The potential swerve of Chris Jericho leaving the WWE for good. His contract status is still up in the air and I think a lot of people will be quick to assume this means that Jericho didn't sign his contract and will be leaving after he loses. But I wouldn't put it past the WWE to use this whole contract situation to score a few more PPV buys, if people think it could legitimately be Jericho's last match, when he's really staying with the company and just working the internet. Or I could be completely wrong (usually the case).

- I like Night of Champions because the build for it is all about the belts. Essentially, EVERY PPV SHOULD BE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS. FUCK.

- LOFL at the guy in the crowd unable to handle how hot Cody Rhodes is.

- R-Truth's jumping splits taunt looked like he broke his penis.

- Evan Bourne's hilarious jog down the ramp.

- Alberto del Rio. He. Is. THE SHIT. When he came out, I seriously had the thought that Evan Bourne would get a good rub from him, AND HE JUST DEBUTED. That makes no sense. But illustrates how well he's been built up and how he's bursting at the seams with charisma. While I'm at it: Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne. The finish was perfect and looked totally sick. Shame it wasn't given more time/a full screen, but I guess that's the point of the segment - transferring the heat to Del Rio. At this point of the show, this was the best segment of the night for me. Close second to Kaval and Daniel Bryan waving. It also says a lot about the show when the best match takes place on split screen.

Actually, I take that back. '97 Raw has a TON of split screen stuff and that shit is awesome. It feels like you're getting the most bang for your buck when Stone Cold Steve Austin is trashing shit backstage and swearing at people while Hawk is no-selling piledrivers left right and center.

- CM Punk's deadly promo that was completely ruined by Big Show. All of it was great. From him pretending that he never threw Chavo Guerrero into the Gulf of Mexico, to his Stone Cold Steve Austin psyche-out, to his emasculation of the Big Show ("you're not funny and nobody likes you"), he knocked it out of the park tonight. And I am not, nor is anyone else, surprised by this. He's been the most consistent guy on either brand for quite a while now, whether he's killing it in top tier feuds with Jeff Hardy or Rey Mysterio, or he's doing awesome things with shitty feuds (Big Show, Undertaker, R-Truth), he is the one guy you can always count on.

- Wade Barrett going clean over Randy Orton. They are not fucking around with him.

- I hate Melina. I have nothing else to say. Okay I do. She is so fucking annoying. I feel like I say this every week, but she drives me up the wall. And she didn't even really do anything. It's just her stupid face and she always cries and she just smacks of self-entitlement. KJDKHFELKC.

- I really don't understand the bipolar tendencies of Michael Cole. I got the whole hate for Danielson and Low Ki, but the hate for What's Up came out of nowhere. I'm sure there had to have been one week where he was like, "AND THAT'S WHAT'S UP!" and now he can't stand it. WHY. TELL ME WHY.

- I am pretty sick of these bullshit DQs. The referees are literally disqualifying wrestlers for wrestling now. Like is that the only way they could come up with a way to have a double DQ? Have them wrestle for a bit and the ref just give up? I get what they're doing. Clearly they're trying to parade everybody that they can on this "historic" 900th episode, but what they're actually doing is presenting a show where fucking nothing happens.

- Is "The Jersey Shore" like "The Brian Kendrick?"


- How immediate will Kane's interference be? Like as the bell rings? During Undertaker's hood removing ceremony thing? Before Michael Cole can mention Gunsmoke again?!

- And the winner is somewhere in between Undertaker's hood removal ceremony and the bell ringing.

- What a retarded feud. I think the one guy's pathetic "un-durr-take-urr" chant attempt after that Kane bullshit says it all.

- These over-thought, over-orchestrated segments are really busting my balls. So Wade Barrett comes out to stop the match that everyone knew was never going to happen. But he comes out by himself, like he NEVER does, and tries to attack two guys, even though Nexus is all about strength in numbers. Then the lights shut off and Kane uses Undertaker's bodyswapping powers to bodyswap with Bret Hart. They fight, Undertakers gets the advantages, and Kane vanishes via voodoo powers again. Then Nexus comes down. Then Kane transfers his bodyswapping light-killing voodoo powers to Nexus and they beat up Undertaker. If I did that with my action figures when I was a kid, even I would be like "this is bullshit, me." I think we need a Marvel trading card power rating thing for Kane and Undertaker so we know what they can and can't do.

Jerry Lawler summed it up pretty good when he said "It's like Kane's got Undertaker powerz."


- There is nothing more disappointing than expecting Stone Cold and getting Big Show. WOW. As I typed this, CM Punk said the same fucking thing essentially. Jesus lord. Seriously though, once that crowd finally put together that they weren't getting Austin but instead they were just getting Big Show, they were deflated. Sure, they got a "lol wtf" out of Big Show's Hogan impression (which was random and, as Punk pointed out, completely not funny), but man... for a show all about nostalgia and celebrating past RAWs... not being able to have ONE guy come back and be like "hey great job cya bye" is pretty sad. I am babbling now.

- "Mind-boggling episode of Monday Night RAW." - Michael Cole. I fucking SWEAR he knows it sucks and has just admitted it.

- When I realized that the main event was an elimination match and there was only like five minutes left, I was puzzled. Then I realized it was just yet another match that was advertised but doesn't really happen.

- David Otunga wrestles like a guest host.

- What a shitty episode.

Wow. A night of clips (mostly ones that JUST HAPPENED), two second matches, half-screen matches, and teasing people being there who actually won't be there and teasing matches that won't actually happen. Seriously. We had one match with a decisive finish, one with a double DQ, one that ended in the first ten seconds, and one that didn't even start. At least we had a few clips from the good old days when wrestling was fun, to remind us how shitty this fucking show was.

Here's to 900 more!

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