Tuesday, December 1, 2009


WHOA. Did not go 4 for 7 in those random-ass predictions. Probably serves me right since I wrote them off the top of my head. Let's look at those before I get to the dog and pony show (channelling Jim Cornette here) that was RAW. Correct predictions are in bold:

- "Sheamus will wrestle and beat someone, hopefully of importance, since he's only been doing squash matches on TV, and now has a WWE Title match on PPV"

Okay, so he murdered Santino (who was, no surprise, goddamn hilarious)... but it appears they're just keeping Sheamus completely strong in matches until facing Cena. P.S. John Cena getting angry and emoting on the name "Sheamus" is funny.

- "Michael Cole will fake laugh"

I think I now have selective hearing for Michael Cole's fake laugh, so who the hell knows how many times this happened. But it definitely happened once when Maryse was trash talking and generally smacking around Gail Kim, and for some reason, Michael Cole chuckled out "Maryse is trash talking Gail Kim!"

- "Triple H makes a trifecta of "jokes" - one gay, one Mini-Me "tripod" reference, and one accidentally gay about himself"

Missed on this one. Thought this was a shoe in. THE DESTROYER can't resist three things: gay jokes, outdated references and breaking kayfabe. DAMN YOU DESTROYER. But he did tell Chris Jericho to s his d so I guess I scored there.

- "Big Show will pick up Verne Troyer and potentially do a horrible "Fat Bastard" impression"

I was so ready to shake my head at this, but they did one better with the backstage Jerishow/Verne Troyer segment.

- "Kofi Kingston will continue to be awesome"

Even in a losing effort, Kofi was awesome. Best part of the show for me.

- "John Cena will be dismissive and goofy, but then DEADLY SERIOUS AND SHOUTING"

John Cena was a whole mess of serious shouting tonight.

- "Evan Bourne will wrestle in the best match of the night"

I don't understand why he wasn't even on the show, which also featured Mark Henry revealing he has no rhythm by rapping in the style of "I am talking, and, incidentally, a beat is also playing."

So I guess I went about 3-3.5 out of 7, if even that. Don't know what qualifies as a half in my own made up prediction game.

Okay, I sound pretty negative. Maybe it's the fact that it's 1 in the morning and I haven't finished packing to move tomorrow. Or maybe it's because I missed the 3-hour RAW, which despite having low-points, seemed to have been overall at least good.

Tonight wasn't really even good. And I actually took a moment to take a half-step backwards and try and view this show from the point of view of someone who hasn't been watching wrestling since they were old enough to DDT a stuffed animal.

It was weird. For a show that brags about having something for everyone, it really came off tonight as a show with something for nobody. Sure, it's got wrestling, comedy, music, celebrities, midgets, girls, drama and fireworks. But when the wrestling is bad, the comedy isn't funny (barring Santino), the music is performed by Mark Henry and Nickelback, the celebrities are clueless, the midgets (I have nothing against midgets, just painting a picture) are sit-dancing with the ladies, the drama is the same over and over again (JUST LOOK AT HIS EYES - HE IS TORTUTED (I could be talking about any heel on the roster just about now)), and the fireworks... well, the fireworks are great.

So if the best thing about your show is the fireworks, and you're a wrestling show that doesn't like wrestling, or a variety show with guest hosts that don't know what's going on half the time, you're presenting what you think is a two-hour show with everything... but you're actually just putting on two hours of chaos that somehow is more baffling than exciting.

Don't get me wrong. I hate ranting about wrestling, because I love it. I hate reading blogs or listening to podcasts or talking to people that just bash the shit out of WWE or TNA, but keep watching every week. I like to think I'm easy on it. In fact, I wanted to write about the things I liked on here more than what I didn't, because I think there's enough people on the internet talking about how everything is done wrong and how they should be the booker.

But tonight's show was one of the lowest points for RAW for me in a long time.

I didn't mean to go on this long, but between being burnt out by guest hosts, Hornswoggle being subtitled for speaking gibberish, Mark Henry rapping, squashing Miz, and having a creepy girl-on-girl-on-girl-on-girl-on-Verne "Mini Me" Troyer dance orgy, I blew some kind of wrestling gasket.

To make this end (because it needs to end, and I need to pack. GAH), I'll say the things that I actually liked and felt were the little glowing morsels in an otherwise heap of poo.

- Kofi Kingston/Randy Orton: This feud has been done really well and I get excited for it each week. The story was told perfectly, the clips shown leading into it hyped it well, and Kofi looked like a fighter, despite losing.

- Santino Marella: So so funny in the segment with Sheamus, and it actually made me fear for Santino, thus making Sheamus look badass in a new way.

- Jerishow opening segment: Told the DX/Jerishow story really well and made this match feel bigger than it did the week before. Triple H's part seemed stumbly and thought up three second before he came out, because it didn't make sense (sorry, that negativity slipped in somehow).

- The crowd: Despite anything I say, when a crowd is hot, it makes for anything to be even a little more enjoyable, even if it's pretty stinky.

That's all I can come up with. No real wrestling, sadly, aside from Kofi/Orton, which was short, but in a good way.

(Sigh) ...I don't want to be this negative.

Please help, WWE.

- mitts

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