SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE IV - LIVE FROM TRUMP PLAZA

Or somewhere in communist Russia, depending on what IV you want me to reference.

This was the fourth time I've left this blog to fend for itself so I can go spelunking (not really), and it's also the longest I've left it without any real updates. The hardest thing about that is trying to get back in the saddle and write like I used to. So herw goesk nothgin.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

I was gone for over a month this time, so it goes without saying that I managed to continue the tradition of missing something completely huge. Let's recap, shall we?

SIBG 1: Bryan/Ziggler's MOTY at Bragging Rights

SIBG 2: Miz cashes in, wins WWE Title

SIBG 3: Matt Hardy gets dreadlocks

SIBG 4: ...

WRESTLEMANIA XXVII

DAMMIT

Photo - WWE.com

Of course, I missed WrestleMania. Kind of. Not at all, really. I saw it live in a movie theatre, but in my eyes that's still missing it, because I'd much rather be watching it completely bumshit hammered in the privacy of my own home. Uh, with friends too, to make it (slightly) less pathetic.

It's a little late to do a complete rundown of the whole show (maybe, if anyone's interested, I could do a full-on Like/Dislike for the show some time down the road), and I'm short on time/your attention span. So for now, I'll just mention my favourite and least favourite thing, and they were pretty much one in the same.

Favourite: the main event video packages. More specifically, the one made for The Miz, set to "Hate Me Now" by Nas.

HOLY CRAP. I always knew the WWE were in the video package business, but this is other level shit. Normally you can see through them. Like when Wade Barrett makes John Cena raise his hand in the locker room for no other reason but to reference that exact moment three weeks later in a video package. And it was even worse before that.

The WWE went through a shitty period a couple years back where every video package was the exact same: triumphant, orchestral hits that score John Cena on an unstoppable path to the title until -- EVIL VILLAIN enters and makes the screen go slow motion and hazy and sad Spanish guitar* plays.

* - interchangeable with dissonant Arabic singing.

But when a video package is so good that it's the most memorable thing about a FUCKING WRESTLEMANIA (save for Triple H/Undertaker, which I did like a lot), then you know you're doing something right.

I also liked the John Cena/DMX one, even if it made little sense with all the religion and God-lovin' and junk. But the gospel choir did make sense because John Cena loves his preacher voice.

Least favourite: the main event.

I don't want to get into this, because it's been beat to death a hundred times over (which happened to Michael Cole at WrestleMania, right? I missed that part. ahem.). But here's the bottom line for me: Rock vs. Cena should've been a month ago. Instead, it's next fucking year and WrestleMania 27 ended like a $65 episode of Raw.

Or, a $120 episode of Raw my three friends and I had to watch in public, with children and angsty teens taking sides on John Cena and the Rock all around us. GODDAMNIT

EDDIE EDWARDS

ROH WORLD CHAMPION

YEAH. This footage can really stiffen a nipple or two. Not only do I love Eddie Edwards, but I love a good rollup win - especially in ROH where it's not that common for a title change. Small aside - what do you think of when you think of a rollup win? Bret/Bulldog SummerSlam '92? Steamboat/Savage WrestleMania III? HBK/Jericho WrestleMania XIX? Bret/Diesel possum pin from an In Your House that I can't remember but I'm sure someone (Jason) will correct me on?

But that's not all that happened while I was gone...

CHARLIE HAAS & SHELTON BENJAMIN

DETHRONE THE KINGS OF WRESTLING

Photo - ROHWrestling.com

And also...

TOUGH ENOUGH

DEBUTS

Photo - USANetwork.com

NOT TO MENTION

SIN CARA

DEBUTS

Photo - WWE.com

PLUS

AWESOME KONG

TEASER PROMO

OH YEAH AND

EDGE RETIRES

IRL

Photo - WWE.com

AND THIS HAPPENED

BRIAN CHRISTOPHER

WHAT

Photo - WWE.com

I CAN'T STOP YOU GUYS

TEAM

APPLE

Photo - WWE.com

AND

MANY OTHER THINGS

Photo - WWE.com

My. GOD. There is too much to mention. I've been sitting here looking at this list of shit that happened since I've been gone, just VIBRATING from too much caffeine and this overwhelming task weighing on my shoulders (that I imposed on myself like an idiot).

So there you have it. A bunch of things happened since I last posted here. Now I can get back to talking about things as they happen.

Before I go, some quick shoutouts: thanks to the Fair To Flair fellers for covering for me and letting everyone know I was out on "assignment." And thanks to my blogging DZP (down with Zack and Pri-bro) TH for letting his readers know about my reblogs.

And lastly, some link changes. Brandon Stroud linked me to the new home for the Best and Worst of Raw, which has moved to With Leather. And fellow Fair To Flair contributor K. Sawyer Paul has rebranded The Footnotes of Wrestling to Aggressive Art.

THERE. Done all my announcements. Someone else do attendance while I put my head down on my desk for a while.

03/07/11 RAW REVIEW: G RATED FILTH (AND STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD)

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a real dragonzord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Jason edited this jumbled mess of links and swear words, so kudos to him. On with the show.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN (AND JBL) AUSTIN

I love wrestling. I wish I could storm into any meeting where someone is signing a contract, beat the crap out of everyone in the room and sign my name on the dotted line — as if that would ever be legally binding in any way — and then go long for some flying beers on the way out.

Michael Cole, on a regular day, is a giant douche. But when it’s time for him to get in the ring and gloat about something, or trick you into thinking Stone Cold Steve Austin is his guest referee, or slam the entire state you’re from, or SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, he is such a COCK. That is the most eloquent way I can put it, because it can’t be put any other way. Add in JBL, who plays such a perfect, long-winded bastard (and he delivered one of my favourite anti-hometown heel promos maybe I’ve ever seen, as it seemed so effortless and completely not forced at all), and you have me foaming at the mouth for a Stone Cold Stunner OH WAIT HERE HE COMES STONE COLD STONE COLD WJLHK

But the stand-out, hands-down, bottom line (because I said so) best part about this entire segment was Michael Cole’s pathetic, hoarse, begging and pleading into the headset for Austin not to sign the contract. In fact it was so good, I’m going to re-watch it right now (edit: I watched it and yes, it was still so good).

This segment was hard to even write about because I liked it so much, and prefer it as something I get giddy watching on the couch by myself like the cool guy I am.

JOHN CENA = GOOFY, BUT RIGHT. THE MIZ = VERY SERIOUS, AND ALSO RIGHT.

No matter how silly and prop-based and titantron-aided John Cena’s rap was, his main point can’t be argued. This has always been about John Cena calling The Rock out for leaving the business he claims he loves. Even if Cena’s response on Monday was riddled with G-rated filth, The Rock cut a taped promo from his house about how he loves the WWE after saying he is “never, ever going away.” And no matter how much I didn’t believe that when he said it, it’s still cannon fodder for Cena (when he’s not talking about ejaculating on people).

Speaking of Cena - hey John, here’s jizz mud in your eye! Because you sure looked dumb getting beatdown by The Miz to close Raw. There’s nothing like watching you bring a pearl necklace, a photoshopped picture and a homemade T-shirt to the ring to help illustrate all of the different ways you want semen and poop and The Rock to all interact, and then get clobbered by the guy you’re actually wrestling at WrestleMania.

This really sold the fact that The Miz has been an afterthought in this Rock/Cena business, and he’s the WWE Champion going in to WrestleMania. And while the Rock did bring it “via satellite,” The Miz just plain brought it in the form of beating up his opponent. Well done.

NO, I NEVER THOUGHT DOLPH ZIGGLER WAS FIRED FOR REAL EITHER

But I sure am glad to have him back blinding and maiming John Morrison in various ways. Poor JoMo. He didn’t make it on TV last week, and this week he gets poked in the eye and kicked in the leg — something that seems to happen to him pretty often.

Dolph Ziggler is the man. He lives his gimmick, and I’ve mentioned before that he’s my favourite guy to watch fall down on purpose (or “take a bump” for those of you in the know! Also, I think “heel” means “bully”). I’m happy to see that he has a shot to be a part of WrestleMania in a non-19-man Money In The Bank kinda way.

Honourable Mention: Seeing those we didn’t expect to see.

Sin Cara. Christian. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Sunny. Kevin Kelly. I like surprises. And I’m not one of those people who complains about the brand split not being honoured or whatever. I think those people just like pointing out they know things. Well, I know things too. For example, WWE has had more people attend their shows yearly than the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals, and my birthday combined.

BONUS HONOURABLE MENTION: The music.

First, Johnny Cash sings Undertaker’s new theme song (check out a fine discussion about that here). And then last night, the Bobby Hebb song “Sunny” was used in Sunny’s Hall of Fame induction video. This song has been done by everyone, from Dusty Springfield to Marvin Gaye to Nick Cave. I love when WWE uses music that isn’t done by a band called Wretch Machine or Killbang or whatever other shitty band no one’s heard of until they do the Official Theme Song for WWE Fatal 4-Way.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

CAN SHEAMUS PLEASE FIND A NICE MIDDLE GROUND?

If he’s not getting kicked in the balls and Pedigree’d so hard that he’s both literally and figuratively buried, he’s tweaking his ankle in a losing effort against Daniel Bryan and still somehow getting a U.S. Title shot next week (which he’ll win). I have a friend who will set his dick on fire if Snooki counts that pinfall. Is that what you want, WWE? It’s not my fault I have irrational friends, but it is your fault that you’re making Sheamus like a helpless dope who can’t defend himself. And now you’re bringing the best wrestler in the world into this. And maybe Snooki. But that’s entirely made up on my account. So that’s my fault. But the other stuff —not my fault.

G-RATED FILTH

Whenever John Cena makes a joke using words that are clean for PG television, but the meanings are not, this is all I can think of:

“Every time I do a TV show, um, and I have a line like that, the producers never say to me ‘DON’T SAY THAT.’ Because I wouldn’t say it, I know you couldn’t say that on TV. They always say ‘could you think of a cute G-rated way to say that so we can broadcast it?’ There’s nothing more offensive and disturbing to me than G-rated filth. Like, what is worse: ‘I wanna fuck your wet pussy’ or ‘I’m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!’ Which, right there, that’s totally G-rated. You can say that on TV. It’s fucking horrifying. That’s what you say to a girl you have in a pit in the bottom of your basement as you’re lowering stuff in a basket. ‘When Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints!’ All right, again, all that was totally fucking G-rated.” - Patton Oswalt on G-rated filth

MASON RYAN AND DAVID OTUNGA

I wish someone would make Mason Ryan a trolley or something so we never have to watch him twinkle-toe spring to the ring again. Thankfully, Randy Orton has taken care of David Otunga’s lip-biting by bouncing his brain of the inside of his skull with a punt to the head.

I just can’t take these two guys seriously. They both look like cartoon muscle men they’re so jacked, but somehow I look at them and think they couldn’t harm a fly. I’m just happy that CM Punk will get to stand on his own at WrestleMania (or at the very least, just with Mason Ryan) and not be brought down by these orange (green?) dum dums any longer.

Honourable Mention: I’ll never get a CM Punk/Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, will I?

It’s all I want you guys. All I want.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Footnotes of Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

THE FUTURE ENDEAVORS POWER POLL: 03/05/11

Every week I, along with several other wrestling blogs (including my Abe "Knucklebro" Schwartz, TH of The Wrestling Blog), will be sending in my top ten wrestlers to Don Owens of Future Endeavors. My votes are compiled with those of the other bloggers and that gives us the Power Poll. Here's this week's rankings (go to Future Endeavors to view the official write-up) and don't forget to check out the Future Endeavors Podcast.

NUMBER ONE THIS WEEK

THE MIZ, PROBABLY FOR THIS TWITPIC

Photo - @mikethemiz

NOT RANKED THIS WEEK

MATT HARDY, PROBABLY FOR THIS TWITPIC

Photo - @MATTHARDYBRAND

FUTURE ENDEAVORS POWER POLL: 03/05/11

1. The Miz

2. The Rock

3. Triple H

4. John Cena

5. Edge

6. CM Punk

7. Alberto Del Rio

8. Cody Rhodes

9. Randy Orton

10. Jack Swagger

PIZZABODYSLAM POWER POLL VOTES: 03/05/11

1. Chris Hero

2. Claudio Castagnoli

- IN KAYFABE: Retained the most prestigious tag team belts in all of wrestling, the ROH World Tag Team Titles, at ROH's 9th Anniversary show; let the people know that they've gone everywhere and beaten everybody, except for Puerto Rico; an angry Puerto Rican named Homicide took offence.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Of the two tag team matches on the show, I enjoyed the Kings of Wrestling vs. The All Night Express the most. Haas/Benjamin vs. The Briscoes was great, but the crowd was hanging on every moment (and every word - "HEY!!!"), and ANX brought it like they've never brought it before.

3. Cody Rhodes

- IN KAYFABE: Attacked and unmasked Rey Mysterio with the help of his dad (it's nice when fathers and sons do things together); ...everyone was staring at him.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: He is easily my favourite part of SmackDown. I loved everything he did. I already gushed about this in my SmackDown review, so I won't go on and on about it. But I will brush my hair like this everyday from now on.

4. Triple H

- IN KAYFABE: Said if he can't kill the Undertaker, he'll die trying; apparently wants the nickname "The Last Outlaw" too, because THE DESTROYER never really stuck (only with me); kicked an Irishman in the balls; cried.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: I was maybe the one person on the internet who liked Triple H's promo on Monday. It didn't really connect with live crowd, he "buried" the entire roster, and then proceeded to dispose of Sheamus a DX glowstick. But there was some weird emotional thing going on too. I like it when Triple H cries, or at least when he makes those strange guttural noises when he's mad at Randy Orton.

5. Christopher Daniels

6. Eddie Edwards

- IN KAYFABE: These two had an awesome 2/3 Falls match for the TV Title at ROH's 9th Anniversary Show.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: The match included a top rope hurricanrana from Edwards to Daniels that somehow busted the top of Daniels' head open. Don't know if it was a blade. Don't know how it happened. Don't know if it's a work or a shoot. I love Ring of Honor.

7. Roderick Strong

- IN KAYFABE: Retained his ROH World Championship in an impromptu Barrios Street Fight against Homicide.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Remains the guy that you forget is awesome, even though he's the World Champion. He's also a guy that gets picked on way too much by internet fans. I'm always in awe of his actual athletic ability, and how he seemingly never gets tired.

8. Jack Swagger

- IN KAYFABE: Was named Michael Cole's trainer for the Cole/Lawler WrestleMania match; put Jerry Lawler in the ankle lock; made short work of an already injured Kofi Kingston on SmackDown.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: I know this happened this week on SmackDown. But. This.

9. Kenny King

10. Rhett Titus

- IN KAYFABE: Fell short in their quest for the ROH World Tag Team Titles.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Kenny King landed a never-before-attempted Shooting Star Press in a true OMFG moment. Even though they rapped their promo in the VideoWire, they've been stepping it up quite a bit lately in the ring. Between their match with Cole and O'Reilly at Final Battle and now this match with the Kings of Wrestling, the All Night Express of elevated themselves big time in my eyes.

Well it looks like my efforts to get ROH into the Power Poll didn't pan out so well. Maybe this week we can at least get Colt Cabana in there for winning the NWA World Heavyweight Title. Yes, this is me campaigning for votes.

FUTURE ENDEAVORS INFO TO KNOW:

Future Endeavors - The Site

Future Endeavors - The Podcast

Future Endeavors Power Poll Voters - The Twitter Feeds

Future Endeavors Hosts on Twitter - Future Endeavors,Don Owens, Corey Santiago & Fat Man After Dark

02/07/11 RAW REVIEW: RYAN VS. TRUTH l

Here's what I thought of the RAW that emanated from somewhere in Wisconsin.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

REAL THINGS!

It's the real things that make wrestling exciting. Do you think that opening segment would've been anywhere near as exciting had Punk not been busted open? When something happens that isn't supposed to, my ears perk up like a startled deer. Even when R-Truth forgot where he was (pretty mawnin' time?) and everyone made fun of him for the rest of the show, it made the entire night more entertaining. If these two things didn't happen, I feel like I would've been bored out of my skoll (that's me saying "skull" the way Randy Orton says it).

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. SANTINO MARELLA

Two of my favourite guys wrestling over a really simple conflict from the Royal Rumble. There was nothing not to like about this. Also, Santino has somehow made it impossible for himself to not be over. He can be a total punchline and lose every match, but since that's his character, the crowd doesn't seem to care. Also, after a night of three Nexus matches, I accidentally cheered out loud when Del Rio came out, because he is, y'know, not completely boring.

BRYAN/LAWLER VS. MIZ/DIBIASE

I also liked how they set this match up with The King and The Miz going back and forth, but not as much as I liked the actual match. I also liked not having to see the Bellas (who are heel now so they do their sexy hip sway taunt with a MEAN FACE) when I see Daniel Bryan. Turns out that he can be exciting without the distraction of two skanks going "c'moon Dan-yullll... c'mon Dan-yull.." in weird unison.

Honourable Mention: Continuity. Mentioning Orton and Punk's past was a nice touch. But I also feel like rewarding WWE for remembering something they did and followed up on is dumb. It's like when people applaud when your plane lands.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

MASON RYAN VS. R-TRUTH VS. MILWAUKEE

To be totally honest, when I started watching last night, I was wasn't planning on writing about the show. I just felt like watching it. Then this happened, and I swear to God, it played out like one of those old Wrestling Observer recaps of WCW Nitro 2000. Allow me to take a stab at it:

"Mason Ryan is in the ring and Michael Cole throws to a video of himself explaining why all the New Nexus members are in singles matches against the participants of the Elimination Chamber match. R-Truth is Ryan's opponent and he comes out and says "GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - WHAT'S UP?!" and they're in Milwaukee. The crowd boos. Michael Cole starts burying R-Truth for getting the name wrong. R-Truth goes for the leapfrog off the corner to hop over Ryan, but he doesn't get all the way up and they just kind of collide. The crowd starts chanting "Milwaukee." After they die down, Michael Cole tries to get it started again by standing up and turning around and chanting it to no avail. Mason Ryan body slams R-Truth into the ropes three times. Ryan awkwardly applies the Brock Lock and wins. He then goes to get a chair, but the referee stops him and takes the chair away and throws it away twice with literally no struggle. Mason Ryan is like two Batista's stuffed into one body, and he had that chair snatched away from him twice by a scrawny ref. He goes in the ring and puts on that awkward Brock Lock again, and makes it more awkward by standing up with R-Truth dangling off of him, and doing almost a pelvic thrust type maneuver. The referee disqualifies Ryan after he already won and now R-Truth wins."

VINCE MCMAHON'S ANNOUNCEMENT

This was underwhelming in like ten ways. This was Vince's return to non-dream-sequence television for the first time in forever. And his announcement was an announcement... for an announcement! But, he gave us a hint. Since that guest host concept was so successful (read: not successful at all), we're getting one for WrestleMania. The live crowd was not too psyched about this, but who would be if a guy came out, essentially put down the Super Bowl (which your team just won), and announced that we'll get some sweet news next week. I couldn't believe that Vince looked surprised when people didn't go crazy for this. You'd think he'd have experience with making announcements since HE'S VINCE MCMAHON. I'm pretty sure he invented announcements (he didn't but I love hyperbole so much I want to marry it and tattoo it on my face forever infinity!!!!).

JOHN CENA

I can't even fully come up with a reason why. Maybe I was in a crabby mood. I just kind of felt my eyes glaze over when he did his "city of Milwaukee" promo. I don't think it's unreasonable to be a wrestling fan who writes about wrestling on the internet and not like it when John Cena leads an audience in a football cheer, punches CM Punk in the penis and beats everybody up with a steel chair.

Honourable Mention: The commentary. This has been said so many times it's barely worth mentioning. But sometimes I have one of those moments when I'm watching six women throwing themselves around the ring while Michael Cole is shouting about nothing and I wonder why the WWE think this is the best way to do it. Side note: if you watch Superstars after watching months of RAW and Michael Cole's infuriating, irrelevant commentary, your ears get this unmistakeable good feeling in them. It's because on Superstars, it's two jobbers (I mean this in the nicest way, as you'll see) wrestling each other, and because John Cena and The Miz aren't on this show, the announcers have no choice but to talk about the match. And because the two jobbers have no real storyline, they have no choice but to talk about the match. It's amazing to see WWE wrestling matches called as if they're just wrestling matches and nothing else. Watch this show and see what I mean.

The end!