THE DEBUT OF THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY: 01/09/12

I’ve come to realize that my reviews, if one even gets done, get done late. So, I’ve decided to brand my own tardiness! Every Thursday you can find my review of Raw here, and over at Fair To Flair. If you haven’t seen the Thursday Raw Thursday, please watch this video so whenever you read “Thursday Raw Thursday” in this or any future post, you can say “Thursday Raw Thursday” in your head in that weird stilted phrasing, like I always do.

Thursday Raw Thursday comes to you in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” is still changing a tire at the American Bank Center Arena in Corpus Christi.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW 01/09/12

WOO!

THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE (MAYBE NOT, BUT LET’S RUN TO OUR RENTAL CAR ANYWAY)

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been gone ever since Kane returned and forcibly caved John Cena’s mouth in on itself. But now, like Kane, I’ve been resurrected (I guess you can be resurrected if Mark Henry sits on your leg and you take ‘er easy for a while), and I too am wearing a big silver Vega mask.

I’ve already missed some instant Kane classics in the time I’ve been gone. Such as Kane Hadokening John Cena. Or when he stood around trying to get a “Cena Sucks” chant going, but mostly failed and had to just sit there idly twiddling his yarn pants (I wish he started it with a falsetto “let’s go Cena!”). Even last week’s promo from backstage (I hope he was in full gear with a microphone just sitting there poking at the lights and pyro board trying to spook Cena) had me in stitches (like his yarn pants).

And now he’s claiming he almost brought Zack Ryder to “hell” with him (hopefully the same “hell” that Edge was in and later made fun of).

But nothing was funnier than watching Zack Ryder change a tire while Eve squirmed in the passenger’s seat for like three commercial breaks. There was absolutely no logic or voice of reason in this segment (which I’ll get to), and I died laughing, much like Zack Ryder presumably died when he was chokeslammed onto a grocery skid, and like John Cena died when Kane suffocated him with the cup your hand around your fart and make someone smell it move.

BIG JOHNNY VS. LITTLE JIMMY

In an instance of perfect timing, R-Truth stops being funny just when BIG JOHNNY steps up to the plate, texting and quipping like a boss Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night Raw. Even Jerry Lawler was casually calling him “Big Johnny” by the end of the night - that shit STUCK.

More importantly, I’d like it if every heel could have a non-verbal catchphrase. Kind of like when you play Sonic the Hedgehog, and if you do nothing for long enough he’ll start tapping his foot, but if you were playing David Otunga the Hedgehog, he’d whip out a hot beverage thermal mug and take a swig. This would all build to one show where they could do one of their “DAMN” backstage sketches that would actually be funny, where Johnny Ace texts, Otunga slurps, Del Rio winks, maybe Swagger gets his facial twitch back and Jinder Mahal pets a cat or something.

DANIEL BRYAN IS MICHAEL COLE

He is.

It’s both alarming and amazing, but he is. At first he was just a douche, and I hate Big Show so he’s a douche to me, so it was two douches feuding for a week or two, so that sucked for me. But now, it’s better (except for Big Show, who I still hate, and will get to later).

It’s a bit odd that DB’s celebrating exactly like Michael Cole would (endless shouting of YES YES YES YES [he may as well be saying WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER]). I’m bracing myself for Big Show eventually squashing Danielson and Michael Cole standing up and going “YES YES YES SEE HE IS A NERD WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER” and farting on his head.

But for now, I can enjoy the slow potential return of “I have ‘til five, referee” Bryan Danielson heel World Champion.

HAS BRODUS CLAY DEBUTED YET?

So now we know why he took so long to debut. He had to come all the way from Planet Funk.

WHAT. THE. (RESISTING THE URGE TO SAY FUNK) FUCK. I’ve only watched this segment once, so it’s still spinning around my brain like a fever dream. I once had this dream when I was ten where I was Owen Hart and I was wrestling the Ultimate Warrior, but then I looked up and saw Vader climbing the seats in the crowd like King Kong scaling a skyscraper, but his red singlet was all sparkly and he was wearing all kinds of gaudy gold jewellery. It’s stuck with me forever. Now I know why.

I don’t want to ruin this already for myself by saying this is something that will probably get less and less fun as it goes on, so I’m just going to say that I laughed for the entire duration of that match, and hope to do so in the future.

BONUS WOO: “Should I get ‘im?!!??!”

PUNK VS. SWAGGER, ZOLPH ZIGGLER, PREMATURE JACK DOAN

Okay, a lot of names to get to. I’ll get Zolph out of the way first, because John Laurinaitis flubbing his name made me bust a gut.

CM Punk has finally made it back to where he should be. No more weird Triple H and Kevin Nash heart-breaking, no more goofy John Cena forced humour, he’s just the WWE Champion and wrestling in the best match of the night, each night.

It’s so much more simple now. He has legitimate beef with John Laurinaitis for his constant “good intentions” interference in Punk’s affairs, and everything else seems to fall into place nicely. Nothing is too convoluted, it’s simple enough, and Punk is more than good enough to make simple good.

Punk vs. Swagger was great, and somehow made even more great with Jack Doan’s premature “1… 2… 3! WHOOPS SORRY FUCK”. The announcers replaying it and treating it as something that actually happened instead of ignoring it like they usually would made things feel that much more real, even if it was a mistake. It’s something that makes you look up from your laptop or put a stop to the conversation in the room (who am I kidding, we’re all on our laptops, NERDS! TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER WHATAYA THINK OF THAT LAWLER) and pay attention because the wrestling program has stopped continuing on as a normal wrestling program would.

Honourable Mention: Chris Jericho

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You can’t see me right now, but I’m crying.

THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY REVIEW: 01/09/12

BOO!

BUT SERIOUSLY, KANE (AND ZACK RYDER AND EVE)

WOW. Okay, Razor handled this whole “horror movie” storyline in his Raw review (he also handled “Raw” in his Raw review, so I’m here to just, y’know, beat that dead Funkhorse!) but I do have a few things to say about the logistics of this.

On the one hand, Eve running out of the ring, out of the building, into a car and attempting to get away is AMAZING. It’s what you (maybe just me) always want a wrestler to do (or at least just calmly walk away) whenever The Undertaker starts slowly making his way to the ring to standing 69 him. Just walk away. Theme music is not paralyzing.

On the other hand, once she and Ryder made it to the rental car and spent forty minutes replacing the wiper fluid, shouldn’t one of them have gone “oh, he’s not coming, let’s just go” and leave? I’m still not sure what they expected from driving back to their hotel when they’ll just be seeing Kane at the next live event anyway, where he’s free to palm their mouths as much as he so pleases.

But when Eve was standing in the ring all giddy, primed and ready to air-hump, and then Kane’s music hit and she instantly took a knee and shit herself, I shit MYSELF laughing (seriously, best reaction to Kane since John Cena’s scared face from two weeks ago).

There’s still no proof that Kane was ever coming out. He could’ve been in the washroom watching Superstar after Superstar brush their teeth while the light and pry guy was like “whoops, hit the Kane button” and all of a sudden Eve and Zack are bookin’ it for the parking lot before he can hit pause.

This has to be the biggest and most hilarious overreaction in wrestling history. I kind of wish it was taken even further. Maybe next week Zack can shoot Kane with a real gun because he’s still overreacting.

At the very least someone should follow Eve around playing Kane’s music until she has a nervous breakdown.

A NEVER ENDING LACK OF LOGIC

I don’t want anyone to think this bothered me that much, but sometimes the way this show is shot is dumb. I understand that this is a television show and it’s fake, I just hate when things happen to remind everyone it’s fake.

Like the camera panning to a closed door, seemingly for no reason, after Zack Ryder makes idle threats about Kane, and then the door creaks open and out pops Kane’s head. Or when the cameras cut to Zack Ryder CHANGING A TIRE during the main event. Why is this important, unless, yep, here comes Kane to MURDER — NOPE — CHOKESLAM him? The only other noteworthy reason to cut to Zack Ryder changing a tire during the main event is to go, “haha, ho man he’s still changing that tire, okay carry on”.

A GOOD R-TRUTH

It’s subtle, but allow me to illustrate the differences between A Bad R-Truth and A GoooOoOoOoOoooD R-Truth:

A Bad R-Truth: Requires water.

A Good R-Truth: Is still trying to get an open water bottle over as a believable weapon.

A Bad R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with goggly eyes.

A Good R-Truth: Punctuates his crazy actions with a wink and a smile.

A Bad R-Truth: Hates Little Jimmy.

A Good R-Truth: Wants Little Jimmy to wish The Miz a Happy New Year.

A Bad R-Truth: Is funny.

A Good R-Truth: Is not funny.

FELLLLAAAAAAAA

I laoch Sheamus. In fact, his DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH DUSH style of wrestling has somehow caught on with me. I like how he makes the same noise when he hits someone as when he’s being hit. But when he walks out on the ramp and yells “FELLLLAAAAAA” instead of “LAOCH”, I laoch him a little less.

It just doesn’t really make sense. Sure, Sheamus, I realize you like saying “fella” a lot, which is cool, but would it make sense for me to walk out on the ramp and go “DUUUUUUUDE”? At least laoch sounds like something you would scream to get psyched up because you’re Irish and that’s an Irish word meaning “powerbomb” or whatever and I can run with that. Screaming “fella” directed at no one in particular is a weird battle cry, so stop doing it. But please continue kicking Jinder Mahal in the face because fuck that guy.

BIG SHOW IS ACCIDENTALLY MORE OBNOXIOUS THAN THE GUY TRYING TO BE OBNOXIOUS

No matter how hard Daniel Bryan tries to be an annoying doucher, Big Show always manages to one up him. What’s worse: Bryan celebrating after winning a match in two minutes, or Big Show interrupting said celebration to come out WITH FIREWORKS, cheering and pointing like he’s at some National Cheerleading Final, slapping hands with everyone, going “OH YEAGGHHH”, putting his toque on a soldier, to only get in the ring and go “now, about last week”.

Are you really THAT PUMPED UP to talk about last week? I hate when Big Show is like this. I hate his Kevin Nash Just For Men: Beard beard. I hate how no matter how many times Daniel Bryan takes him to the limit, every time a new rematch is announced, Big Show is all “HAHA YEAH WHATEVER UR DEAD”.

P.S. Stop dressing like a camouflage dildo.

Honourable Mention: Wait, I forgot the most important part - TWITTER!

I understand that the WWE is really proud of it’s social media accomplishments. I get that they are pushing Twitter on their TV shows and what have you. But I can’t handle one more WWE Superstar or announcer saying to another WWE Superstar or announcer “sure, you may have [done something actually important like win a title or match] and you may be [concerned with something actually important like your current storyline], but who cares?! YOU ARE [TRENDING ON TWITTER / FOLLOWED BY MORE PEOPLE THAN SOMEONE / TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER]

On that note, here’s the end of my review where I tell you to follow me on Twitter.

11/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK

This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at Fair To Flair (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).

Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

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RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER

I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.

Last year, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “lofl”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… almost blew the John Cena character wide open.

Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.

John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).

Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.

And WWE.com is trying to turn Cena. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.

The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?

That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.

DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)

I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.

This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.

I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.

Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.

DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG

Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.

Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.

I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion.

Honourable Mention: Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt”], the match itself was still great).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

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THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN

There really wasn’t too much to not like about John Morrison’s send off.

He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his Pajama Jeans are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).

But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.

CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY

Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode Alicia Fox’s hand jive from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.

THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)

It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.

While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.

Honourable Mention: I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.

Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.

06/20/11 RAW REVIEW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE (KIND OF, NOT REALLY)

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that focuses on writing and podcasts and only a third of the spyware you'll find at the leading pro wrestling websites. I'm a regular contributor at FTF (Raw reviews, like this one), along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Kenny Bromega TH of The Wrestling Blog).

You should check Fair To Flair out, if you haven't already. Razor just uploaded a podcast with Jeff Katz, TH named Sheamus vs. Christian as the Match of the Week, Jason has a podcast going up tomorrow where he speaks with Graham Cawthon of The History of the WWE and K. Sawyer Paul put together the frigging first Quarterly, which you can and should (but don't let me tell you what to do) buy here.

Now onto the thing that you probably have already read at Fair To Flair, but I'm posting here for no reason other than to link you to this video of Matt Hardy giving his thoughts on fire.

Holy fuck no one can make me laugh like Matt Haarrddyy HOOOOOOOO

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

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Photo - WWE.com, Edit - Black-Nata

#SUMMEROFPUNK

If you came here to find any tips on what CM Punk is doing after July 17th, I have nothing to offer in terms of speculation or opinions on what he will do next, but please keep reading wait where are you going NO STOP!

Just stay with me for a second. I’m going to talk about something completely different, because everything about this is awesome, except for the possibility that, y’know, Punk will be gone forever, and I’ll spend the rest of my days doing snow angels in my backyard and the tears will be endless like my UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU PUNK AHGAH (crying noise).

Ahem.

Aside from that, this is incredible. It’s the exact kind of thing that you couldn’t explain to someone who doesn’t watch wrestling. On Sunday, my non-wrestling-watching friend popped SO HARD for R-Truth getting blasted with water from Little Jimmy (as played by some kid who may or may not have also had the name Jimmy). It was great, but it was also very clear that this kid was a plant, to a wrestling fan at least. Not so much to my friend.

But last night, when Punk said that his contract expires July 17th, and he’s leaving with the WWE Title, I would almost guarantee that that angle would blend in with any other storyline that WWE would normally run to a non-wrestling fan. But because it’s based in reality, with the rumours of Punk leaving, it makes it THAT MUCH MORE awesome to those that pay close attention. And that’s why wrestling is awesome.

It’s the constant blend and ever-changing ratio of real to fake and fake to real, and how any combination of both can make for something completely compelling. I love that there’s someone in pro wrestling who is willing to leave clues online for us to speculate over and feel like we’re a part of it more than we actually are. It feeds our fandom. It’s also why, if Punk does indeed leave, I would be devastated (too serious of a word for pro wrestling). Or, rather, I’d be as pissed as Jay Briscoe EATIN’ CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY.

But if he’s doing the Davey Richards thing, and just taking real-life shit and injecting it flawlessly into wrestling and working us all, then I will be one pleased Little Jenny. JIMMY I MEAN.

I said I wouldn’t speculate, but I did, and I can’t help it, because that’s the fun of wrestling sometimes (read: that time I thought Sting was fighting Undertaker and got so carried away I thought about Batman fighting Undertaker (don’t judge me)).

I MEASURE MY WRESTLING IN INADVERTENT NOISES

Even though there are some people debating the best way to rate matches, this is the only true way: by how many “UHGHGG!!”s or “HOOOOOOOOO”s or spilled pizza dipping sauces you accumulate throughout the match.

Between the triple threat match (Del Rio’s bridging German suplex and his wild tumble to the outside, Rey’s bizarre-but-awesome top rope Link roll that transitioned into a suicide dive onto ADR, Punk applying Samoa Joe’s “just walk away” defense tactic, etc.) and Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes (AmDrag’s snap suplex onto the ramp, big dive, dropkick, everything he does because I’m gay for him) I was scaring my neighbours with whatever weird noises were coming out of my mouth against my own will.

Even Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler was fun, and featured Michael Cole making two completely non-sensical calls: “That gives new meaning to surviving by your fingertips!” — mainly because that’s not a phrase in the first place. He also described sitting at ringside as a “bird’s eye view,” because I guess birds also can flutter at about eye level if they want to.

THE UNBALANCED TRUTH

If R-Truth can make me laugh just by shouting the word JIMMY, am I the crazy one?

Even if the wrestling isn’t that great, the story is hilarious. R-Truth created a fictional character in “Little Jimmy” and was thwarted by a real-life little Jimmy at the pay-per-view. He turned heel because he drank water and then it turns out water got him back in the end! It’s such weird and specific comeuppance.

And Christian, while I did like the back and forth (and back and forth and back and forth) between him, Truth and The Miz, is not taking the ball and running with this heel turn. He’s kind of just taking the ball and holding it. Maybe he’s stuffing it under his new ugly T-shirt and making himself look pregnant.

I just hate where this has gone. Does Christian hating the fans make sense to you? Shouldn’t he just hate Teddy Long? If my boss was a complete and unfair DICK to me at my work, would I be like “man my boss is such a DICK, and so are the people of Madison, Wisconsin, or wherever… everywhere really! UGH I HATE ALL YOU PEOPLE.”

Eventually, I would’ve loved to have seen Christian turn on the fans. But right now it seems like he just rolled the bad guy dice and came up with “you people” on one and “idiots” on the other.

Honourable Mention: At Black Angus, your name is Peaches.

I really had no other reason to include this other than to say that I laughed my genitals off at Vicki “Peaches” Guerrero dancing. And to quote Patton Oswalt.

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

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Photo - WWE.com

POWER TO THE PEOPLE* (POWER MAY NOT ACTUALLY GO TO THE PEOPLE)

You don’t need me to tell you how when you vote for things on a wrestling show, you didn’t really vote. Sure, you sent in a vote and they counted it, but if your choices are “regular match” and “regular match” and “elimination regular match,” did you really vote? Or did you just send data and money into the air?

It’s bad enough when the choices are no fun and Jerry Lawler is showing me how to use a cell phone (I assume the most he gets out of technology is Google Image Searching “puppies” and getting mad when baby dog jpegs show up), but when the voting system doesn’t even end up working, what the hell did we even just watch?

At least Zack Ryder made it on Raw. Being kicked by Evan Bourne. In a video package. CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER, PEOPLE?!

This is exactly what John Lennon was talking about when he wrote that song.

ARM WRESTLING HAS NEVER BEEN FUN

Okay, except for that ONE TIME, but that’s IT. NEVER AGAIN.

I find it FUCKING impossible to believe that each and every one of all you people the WWE Universe would choose the grand spectacle that is an Arm Wrestling Match over a Body Slam Challenge or Caber Toss or whatever else was offered. Booker T — who is now on Twitter — predicted tweet:

“You know what that is right there when it comes to Booker T on Twitter right there is that Booker T has Twitter and I think when it comes to that right there maaan I DON’T EVEN KNOW”

— did try and hype it up (“This is gone be good right here guys” - something no one has ever said about arm wrestling), but I don’t want to see Kane and Mark Henry wrestle regular style, let alone limb-specific.

What I do want to see, is Mark Henry vs. household items, followed by Mark Henry shouting about punishment to no one in particular.

As for Kane, I’ve come to accept that he can do anything. Let me clarify that. As a character, you can never argue that he is acting “out of character” because his character is a fucking sociopath. It doesn’t matter what he does, logic does not apply.

For example, a crazy person would most certainly torture people and set people on fire, yes. But a crazy person may also play an air trombone from time to time. Or develop a fondness for his Giant friend. Or know the ins and outs of extracting revenge, like when he pulled Big Show off of Ricardo Rodriguez, because if he got suspended, he wouldn’t ever get his hands on Alberto Del Rio. A crazy person may also be seriously concerned with the proper grip of an arm-wrestling contest.

Anything he does can be explained by the rationale that he is a certified crazy person. Sometimes he cares for his brother, sometimes he puts his brother in a vegetative state and then goes on a manhunt for himself. He. Is. CRAZY.

This segment was boring with a capital punishment, but at least it gave us this woman’s face.

MASON RYAN WRESTLES IN DEFIANCE OF TECHNOLOGY

“It just goes to prove power to the people” - Kelly Kelly.

Yes it does. Wait, what? Kelly, that doesn’t make any sen— never mind.

What I’m trying to say, with Kelly Kelly’s sentence fragment as a reference, is that we can blame her runoff votes for Mason Ryan’s big orange win over Evan Bourne. He is the most orange. He also somehow managed to look kind of bad in beating Evan Bourne, a feat no one has yet to accomplish. Because Evan Bourne’s primary biological function is to collapse into his own body in order make big muscly white and orange Irish and Welsh men look like slobbery beasts.

Mason, while I’m sure you’re a nice fellow (or at the very least a prime candidate for the Bachelor Pad Season 2), please either go away or become Fake Dave Batista as managed by Ted DiBiase and get investigated in a comedy skit by whoever the 2011 equivalent of Leslie Nielsen is.

Honourable Mention: The Anonymous Raw GM is Senor Chang.

I can’t find a free video to link you to, but if you watch Community then you know what I mean. If you don’t, then let’s talk about how at the end of Raw, John Cena totally duckfaced that iPhone pic with the troops.

Edited by Jason Mann

KANE AND THE ROYAL RUMBLE: HE'S GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO

Photo - WWE.com

Poor Kane.

He's always just been there. Just waiting around in a room panting, sometimes laughing, always requesting red lights ("guys, I love this space, it's great... but could it be a little more red? - You have LIGHTS? I LOVE IT LETS RUN WITH IT FOREVER"). And if he wasn't there, just as you were thinking "hey, I don't think we've seen Kane this we--" KABLAMMY - out lumbers Kane.

But for all of the time he's spent just being there, looking unexplainably wet, and sounding laboured in his evil breathing, and sometimes crying - he always had one thing going for him: The Royal Rumble.

Kane, if you haven't seen a Royal Rumble (or heard Michael Cole talk about the Royal Rumble) in ten years, holds the record for most eliminations in a single Rumble: 11 (should be 12 for making Drew Carey piss his ski pants and Plinko himself over the top rope). He holds another record for appearing in 12 consecutive Rumble matches (14 total - yet another record). That 2001 Rumble was easily his best - he was the last to be eliminated, he logged the most time out of everyone and he managed to eliminate the unstoppable ex-tag team force of Al Snow and Steve Blackman.

Kane even eliminated Fatu as Dr. Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. in the 1996 Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, he eliminated no one as Fake Diesel the following year, because he was a wrestler with the word "fake" in his name. He was also a wrestler with the word "Diesel" in his name.

With all of these notches on his belt (er, leggings, whatever), Kane has built himself up to be a legitimate threat every time the Rumble comes around. Here's where the sad part comes in.

If you're in the Royal Rumble, that means two things: one - you're fighting for your shot at a World Title at WrestleMania. Two - you're not the World Champion.

For 14 years, and every consecutive year since 1999, Kane has not been the World Champion or #1 Contender come January - Road to WrestleMania time. That is kinda sad, isn't it? For a guy who's been there for fucking ever, and before that he was a Fake Diesel and an evil dentist and a Christmas tree, and yet somehow managed to get and stay over for those twelve years, he's just been the "Royal Rumble Guy." And not even because he's won one!

Not only that, but Triple H has competed in nearly half the number of Rumbles that Kane has, and he holds the record for most cumulative time spent in the Royal Rumble Match, beating Kane by like fifty minutes. That's a long fucking time.

So here's what I see happening this year for Kane, who must be excited for the one thing he's portrayed at being good at. Kane isn't doing anything right now. He's just pokin' around wrestling when's he's told to. This is what happens when you murder the Undertaker, you've got nothing left to do. So you just move on and be a normal wrestler. What a weirdo.

Anyway, Kane needs something to do. And what I think he's going to do, because he's got nowhere else to go, is pad those Rumble stats.

Kane will need something new to brag about, Michael Cole will need something to go hoarse about, and Kane (the word Kane is losing it's meaning) only four eliminations away from tying Shawn Michaels' all-time elimination record of 38. I think Kane's story for the 2011 Royal Rumble is pretty clear.

He obviously will do the "Three Faces of Glenn Jacobs" and enter three separate times as Kane, Isaac Yankem and Fake Diesel.

12/10/10 SMACKDOWN! NON-SPOILER PREVIEW

Match listing via LordsOfPain

Smackdown! has become a show that you tune in to see Alberto Del Rio, solid wrestling, things said in Spanish and then said in English immediately after, and Edge and Kane running. If you can manage to tune out anything featuring Edge, Kane, Paul Bearer, and/or a dummy dressed up as Paul Bearer, you'll see a great wrestling show. Then, weeks from now when you see the PPV, you'll get a hilarious video package for the Edge vs. Kane match, featuring a bunch of hijinks and pranks that you can digest in a matter of seconds and be on your way. This is the best way to watch this show. Trust me.

Here's what's up for tonight that you can get buck for:

MAIN EVENT TAG TEAM MATCH

"The Rated R Superstar" Edge & Rey Mysterio

VS.

Alberto Del Rio & World Heavyweight Champion Kane

SINGLES MATCH? (I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO CALL IT)

Hornswoggle VS. The Swagger Soaring Eagle

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Champion Dolph Ziggler

VS.

Challenger Kofi Kingston

SINGLES MATCH

Jack Swagger VS. Kaval

TAG TEAM MATCH

WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov

VS.

Drew McIntyre & Chavo Guerrero

SINGLES MATCH

Unified Divas Champion Natalya VS. Layla

Drew McIntyre is a man with no allegiances! He will team with any man! So long as he doesn't point and smile on the way to the ring.

The wrestling should be great on this show. The Edge/Kane vignettes should be hilarious two weeks from now, but unbearable to sit through as they air. I wonder how the camera crew feels as they film them. Seriously. What would be even stranger is if this were real, and the camera crew (like think about it, a lighting guy, camera guy, sound guy, probably some kind of producer or director) were all standing there watching Edge blanket Paul Bearer in chicken wings, and just had to film it. And not do anything.

Thankfully, it's fake and they all just high five after they film it thinking it's a job well done.