SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VII: ADRIAN'S REVENGE

Uh. Hi.

So I've been gone a long time. Like a long time. Like left for WCW and a fat guy dressed as "Fake Pizzabodyslam" came out and you were like "wtf that's not the real pizzabodyslam, he's in wcw now wrestling under his real name, Grib Tendleman" long.

I've been gone for 683 days. TWO YEARS BASICALLY. I've missed like 87% of a 434 day CM Punk WWE Title run. I've missed the entire undefeated streak, and DEBUT for that matter, of The Shield. I've missed a Once In A Lifetime match and it happened TWICE. I'VE BEEN GONE FOR TWO LIFETIMES. 

Truthfully, I've only really been gone for a few months. I've been mostly keeping up over the past two years, but I legitimately missed a chunk of time when things got too busy. In fact, I've basically seen everything (here and there) right up until SummerSlam of this year.

Actually, I watched SummerSlam too. Well, most of it. I saw the whole thing but paused it right after Daniel Bryan beat John Cena for the WWE Championship. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't see, so I just called it a night. That show was perfect from top to bottom (well, almost bottom - still gotta finish it! haha but what could happen in like ninety seconds).

BUT, now that I'm back, I can start catching up! Alright, let me get settled here and bring up the DVR. Not sure why I feel the need to watch the very end of SummerSlam... I guess that little WWE copyright thing gives me comfort. Anyway, here we go, time to unpause and watch Daniel Bryan's uninterrupted title celebration of pure catharsis!

...

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

... is this the darkest timeline?

Sidenote: before I dive into this, I should point out that this won't be a typical SIBG post. I've had seven of these suckers now, and normally I talk about all the things I missed whilst neglecting this place. Because there's two lifetimes worth of dub dubby e I need to recap, I'll probably split it up into a few posts, to ensure my first post back doesn't gas me by being 90,000 paragraphs on Total Divas and then I disappear for a Shawn Michaels amount of time.

I don't know if I have much to say on the ending to SummerSlam. In fact, when it happened, of the two camps (the first being the WHAT THE FUCK FUCK YOU TRIPLE H I HATE YOU FOR REAL NOT AS A HEEL THOUGH FUCK RANDY ORTON'S STUPID SHINY BODY camp and the second being the Wait And See Where It Goes™, Brandon Stroud) I fell into the latter.

I so badly wanted to see Bryan have his untouched, unH'd moment of beating John Cena squeaky-ass clean in the middle of the ring. The fact that you can type the sentence "Bryan Danielson beat John Cena clean in the SummerSlam main event for the WWE Championship" and you're not the booker of a "real guys only" e-fed is fucking nuts.

BUT, I thought this was all going to lead to an even bigger moment. Because while I do feel that WWE has ruined basically every guy's "first" WWE Championship moment (the moments that made Shawn Michaels and Stone Cold and so on), by having Money In The Bank or two World Titles and chucking the belt on guys super early, it's the reality of the world (wrestling entertainment) we live in.

So while the SummerSlam moment was tarnished by the taint of Triple H forcing the back of Bryan's head into the mat, I've been solemnly praying to the non-JBL wrestling gods (are you there wrestling god, it's me, pizzabodyslam from internet), that we'll get our sweet, sweet WrestleMania payoff for Daniel Bryan.

That said, it was definitely a shock to my system to watch SummerSlam and then miss almost three straight months of wrestling, and then jump back in at Survivor Series. Seeing Punk and Bryan relegated back to the midcard after putting on arguably two of the best matches of the year on the same night, gave my wrestling boner a sad. And that Orton/Big Show main event? WOOF. Not to mention the next night on Raw featured a guest host, Orton/Cena angles and the commentary team screaming TWERK at nobody or nothing - it was like 2009 gave me a Bronco Buster.

But it all makes sense in my delusional stupid brain (not the bronco buster part). Having Bryan chase the title from SummerSlam all the way to WrestleMania would be brutal, if the goal is to have him finally take it back on the big stage. How rough are three consecutive screwy PPV finishes where he's H'd out of the belt? Imagine like SEVEN or whatever it would've been.

I don't know what will happen. Bryan wins the Rumble, Punk and Bryan both win the Rumble, Goldberg comes back to spear Bryan and hug Triple H, WrestleMania ends with Triple H STANDING TALL holding the unified WWE Title (and all of our collective nutsacks), I DON'T KNOW. But my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan heart is fluttering around thanks to my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan brain convincing me that one of those moments that happens once every few years that is so good it makes up for the relentless soul destroying shit we put up with is just around the corner.

Check back here around April and I'll either be gleefully typing more run on sentences in all caps about SummerSlam being worth it, or I'll have transformed into a real life Bray Wyatt, rocking in my rocking chair, my psyche finally obliterated by the stranglehold WWE has on me.

they been lyin' to you maaaaannnnnn

11/28/11 RAW REVIEW: I CAN'T WAIT FOR JOHN MORRISON TO GET HIS REVENGE NEXT WEEK

This Raw review is (or will be very soon) posted over at Fair To Flair (in our trademark WOO! vs. BOO! format. Everything “WOO!” was awesome, while everything “BOO!” was hit in the knee with a lead pipe, carted out of the arena, and continuously carted through big, swinging double-doors that say “TNA”. I also picture the EMTs that carted him through the doors to come back through dusting their hands off enthusiastically).

Now let's all start reading the first Raw review I've done that actually went up the day after. Someone give me a gold star.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

LIKED...

RODDY PIPER IS JOHN CENA’S SPLINTER

I love that once a year, Roddy Piper has to come and literally slap some sense into John Cena.

Last year, right around this time, Piper showed up and essentially shook John Cena until he finally displayed an emotion other than “lofl”. This year (er, yesterday), he conducted a pro wrestler litmus test on Cena and managed to draw both a white hot reaction from the crowd and an emotional, real promo out of Cena, which almost… almost blew the John Cena character wide open.

Roddy Piper seems to be the only person who can tap into John Cena and bring out the best in him. He offers wisdom on the psyche of a pro wrestler (“when you cheered me I did good things, when you booed me I did bad things”). When he talks, people shut up, take a knee and listen. He sees the good in bad people and the flaws in good people. He likes pizza (I assume). He can make a funny. He’s John Cena’s Splinter.

John Cena wants to impress Piper. He wants to prove to him that he can figure shit out on his own and go all Raphael through the Foot on a rooftop without the help of a super-powered Hall Of Fame ring (I wonder if because Hogan’s ring gave Abyss “Hogan-powers” and he had the red and yellow and Abyssamania [actual word said by Hulk Hogan], then if Cena used Piper’s ring, he’d get “Piper-powers” and start being funny for real and not win any more World Titles and wear a kilt so The Rock could show up and go “HAHA GAY” and pass out laughing because John Cena is in a dress and that is like catnip for Rocky).

Just like Splinter teaching the Turtles how the real world won’t understand or accept them, Piper is trying to teach Cena to deal with the fans that boo him so when he shows up at WrestleMania, expecting to win, but he loses and everyone cheers, he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown. Piper is trying to turn Cena.

And WWE.com is trying to turn Cena. The Rock is trying to turn Cena. It seems that everyone is trying to get John Cena to freak the fuck out and start chucking people through barber shop windows and legdrop Randy Savage and blow smoke over John Morrison’s sparkly abs, but, as David Shoemaker and Brandon Stroud have been saying all along, he’s already heel. Turning him heel would only turn him face.

The John Cena character can’t change. Everything around him can, because there will always be a million ways to orchestrate both a scenario where he’s booed out of the building (i.e. Punk, Rock, ECW, etc.), and a scenario where he assembles a team of SuperFriends to take out the Nexus and get cheers that bring the building down. Y’know?

That said, I’d still like to see John Cena tell The Rock he hates his fucking guts and then kick him in the dick.

DOLPH ZIGGLER DEF. RANDY ORTON (FT. WADE BARRETT DEF. COMMENTARY)

I think the best example of Ziggler’s new “show off” gimmick would be a weekly series called “What Can Dolph Ziggler Get A Good Match Out Of” where he wrestles different people and objects that you expect him to not be able to even wrestle, let alone get a passable match out of, but he blows everyone away when he DDTs himself and takes a nearfall from a porcelain birdbath.

This match was great. Maybe not quite as good as their last one on Raw, but still great. It was also aided by Vickie Guerrero yelling “FINISH HIM C’MON FINISH HIIIIM” from the VERY BEGINNING of the match. I love the idea that Vickie has no understanding of what goes into a wrestling match and right from the bell she’s just all “FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY, GOD-UHHHHH”.

I can’t remember the last bad Dolph Ziggler match I saw. All the way back to his first match as Ziggler vs. Batista was awesome. Now he’s to the point where he’s wrestling two matches every Pay-Per-View and doing headstands after beating Randy Orton. I can’t wait for the day where he spins The Undertaker on his finger and 360 dunks off a step ladder.

Side note: Wade Barrett on commentary looked and sounded as sharp as Mason Ryan’s nipples.

DANIEL BRYAN KICKED MARK HENRY’S LEG OUT OF HIS LEG

Michael Cole brings out the best in Daniel Bryan. He’s like his Splinter.

Aside from the weak “we want Big Show” chant that made me want to heel hook my TV, this was a star-making promo from Bryan. Cole was an insufferable douche, which turned Bryan into a man of bearded conviction, which brought out Mark Henry (who is, to remind you, “half-way injured”) to get kicked in the leg.

I don’t expect Danielson to win the belt tonight. And if Mark Henry isn’t going to take the belt all the way to WrestleMania to defend it against Bryan, I could get behind him cashing in on Big Show at TLC, and turning “I’ve got ‘til 5” heel as champion.

Honourable Mention: Punk vs. Del Rio (a.k.a. wrestling, a.k.a. this is the kind of Raw people beg for after a Raw that is 97% shenanigans, a.k.a. even with Punk being wacky and saying “ass” and referencing Google searches [which incidentally brought me to a video titled “Del Rio Is A Boring Cunt”], the match itself was still great).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 11/28/11

DISLIKED...

THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE JOHN

There really wasn’t too much to not like about John Morrison’s send off.

He got his leg lead piped out of his leg. He was staying gangster and stunting with Alex Riley before the match. He did that thing where he wrestles like his Pajama Jeans are too tight. He was killed off and I’m pretty sure John Laurinaitis came out for a “Future Endeavoured” Ron Simmons “DAMN” type punchline while he was on the stretcher (it’d be pretty great if he kept doing that anytime someone was about to get fired - he comes out, gives a derpy look of disapproval, and buries himself in his Blackberry until JTG gets wheeled away).

But for some reason, I’m still not sold on angry, solemnly Awesome Miz. He’s been reestablishing himself for the better part of this year with IMPACTS and STATEMENTS and IMPACTFUL STATEMENTS and STATED IMPACTS and I just miss the The Miz that had more charisma than that.

CAN I BORROW SOMEONE’S DIVAS SIGN LANGUAGE DICTIONARY

Every Divas match starts with a sign language mini-game that someone needs to subtitle. I get the Bellas calling their opponents “losers” by making an L out of their fingers and putting it on their head (that’s Divas Signing 101), but can someone decode Alicia Fox’s hand jive from last night? Even Natalya’s convoluted three-step YOU’RE GONNA CRY KELLY hand signals make some semblance of sense, but I think Alicia Fox was going off script there. Then again, pro wrestling signing typically doesn’t get more complicated than “YOU. ME. TEAM? BIG NOD” so I’m not exactly fluent.

THAT’S GOTTA BE (A CRAPPY) KANE (RETURN VIDEO)

It is crazy to me that a guy like Kane, who has TONS of built-in story and imagery and fire and death and brother murder and hell and brimstone and biblical fucking shit can’t even get a GOOD comeback video. Instead of using anything even remotely cool or creative, they decided to give Kane an HPV awareness commercial return video.

While I’m talking about video packages, I want someone to a/b that Sheamus video from last night where he was all “I’m a good lad! I like having a bit of fun I’m a nice guy!” with anything from two years ago where Michael Cole couldn’t stop yelling about how much Sheamus just loved to hurt people and how he’s a crazy Mark-Cuban-murdering asshole.

Honourable Mention: I think Jack Swagger tripped over his gigantic tongue.

Or something. I don’t know what the hayell happened right there. I think it’s karma for him abandoning his eye twitch.

04/25/11 RAW REVIEW: THE 2011 WWE DRAFT

You may notice that I'm only posting Raw and Smackdown reviews on here now. That hopefully won't always be the case (although it is simple enough), but I've been pretty busy lately and I've had to ween myself off Matt Hardy YouTube videos and all the other very important things that I normally get up to.

So for now, enjoy this Raw review. Like five days late. Shutup.

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Dusty Brodes TH of The Wrestling Blog) to form a site that's less about cynicism, rumours and spyware and more about tumblr and spyware (not really). Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Credit to Jason for editing yet another one of my later-by-the-week reviews.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

R-TRUTH VS. LITTLE JIMMY AT EXTREME RULES

In a “Who Is More Crazy?!” gauntlet match between the crazy guy and the fictional child the crazy guy made up and cut a promo on.

Listen, the Internet, I know we’re all divided when it comes to R-Truth and his newly made public-smoking-fetish heel turn… but can’t we just agree that he is ****ing hilarious (unintentionally)?! Since Bryan Danielson stopped wrestling the shit out of people on free TV, the most entertaining thing for me on Raw has been unintentional comedy. R-Truth is a pioneer in this field.

Whether he’s beating the censor, walking right into the crowd’s WHAT chants (he said “y’know WHAT!?” and then the crowd said “WHAT” and he got mad - c’mon man, that one actually made sense!), or getting beat up in mid air-hump (as much as a guy can get beat up by John Morrison), R-Truth is the Lenny Bruce of unintentional comedy.

Seriously though. There is nothing like getting punched in the back of the head at ramming speed when you’re in the middle of a pelvic thrust. And that’s the TRUTH.

BOOYAKA BOOYAKA BYE BYE BYE

Cody Rhodes is a perfect mixture of all the things that make wrestling awesome. He’s old school, crazy, a complete caricature of a deranged human being and has family who wrestle that he can consciously or subconsciously reference in a promo (anybody catch that Goldust sneer at the end?). He also has a lisp and will still try and say the word “anesthesiologist” on national television.

But I’m going to stop talking about Cody Rhodes, because Brandon Stroud of With Leather sums up what he said about Rey Mysterio in a way that brought me to tears. So just read that and promise you’ll still come back here. I’ve got so many great jokes lined up! Isn’t JTG so c,md fm,vmc,

RANDY ORTON IS THE NEW R-TRUTH OF UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY

Anyone else notice that while everyone was wearing a Raw T-shirt together backstage, Randy Orton was just sitting amongst them wet and shirtless? Or maybe you heard him say the phrase “unconscious” sleep, as to clarify for CM Punk that he wasn’t going to beat him at Extreme Rules with diazepam.

Randy Orton actually may not even be the new R-Truth of unintentional comedy, because I think R-Truth is totally biting him.

Honourable Mention: CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio top rope hugging and kissing.

Or, if No Mercy taught me anything, would that be SUPER Hugging and Kissing? I wish my whole review could’ve just been this gif.

RAW: WWE DRAFT EDITION

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON AND JOHN CENA DRAFTED TO SMACKDOWN ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION FOR OVER FIFTY YEARS THE REVOLUTIONARY FORCE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

Except it can’t.

But that’s not even something I’m upset about. I’m more upset about Michael McGuillicutty and David Otunga high-fiving for Raw draft picks, or any wrestler other than Kofi Kingston doing Kofi Kingston’s taunt when Kofi Kingston wins a draft pick for Smackdown. None of this shit makes sense, and I don’t even see the reason for it. Is it supposed to make us feel like the wrestlers (action soap-opera superstar movie machines) feel that the WWE Draft is a big deal too? Even though we don’t?

I’m sure there is a much better and more logical way to go about that than putting everyone in a colour-coded t-shirt (pretty sure if the Rock walked in the room and saw them he’d have a “LOL FROOTY PEBBLS!! you’re all! wearing! coloured! SHIRTS!! AHHHGHHGGGG” overload and fall down) slapping hands and cheering for things that do not matter at all. Hey, Tyler Reks, you seem excited that Randy Orton is coming to Smackdown. Great, except that you’ll probably never wrestle or see him, so go do cartwheels elsewhere. Maybe look into some soap.

Although, the more I watch it, the more I feel like all of the wrestlers know it’s stupid and are just taking the piss (I use British turns of phrases to make myself sound cultured).

EVE “BJJ-STUDENT” TORRES

“Okay, Eve, you’ve only got like thirty-five seconds tonight. Not even. Michael Cole will start shouting about twenty-five seconds in. You just need like one move. You can handle that right? I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s literally less than a half of a minute. That can’t be enough time for you to **** something up. Now get out there and wrestle like only Eve Torres can!” - Vince McMahon (not really) (but seriously)

Can Awesome “kHARMa” Kong show up and champagne-cork her head off already? Do I have to say this every week?! Better question: do I have to watch every week?

JIM ROSS BEATDOWNS > JOHN MORRISON BEATDOWNS

That shouldn’t be true but it FOR REAL IS. Jim Ross struck Michael Cole until the bottom half of his face bled blood. BLED BLOOD. John Morrison held R-Truth by the wrist and leaned his forearm on him a couple times, until a pair of referees (y’know, the guys in striped shirts that lie down in unconscious sleep for an hour if touched by a wrestler) pulled him away.

To clarify for anyone who doesn’t know what these two people look like, Jim Ross is a 59-year-old man of heft who suffers from Bell’s palsy, and John Morrison is a young man with more abs than digits on his body. Actually, from that description, I would believe that the angry old man could deliver a more convincing beating than the sparkly-trousered ab guy. So whatever.

Honourable Mention: Booker T

Direct quote from Booker T: “Y’know I wouldn’t miss it for the world right now I can only imagine what these guys are going through I been there myself y’know and the anxiety that they’re going through I can only imagine I don’t even wanna talk about it”

Bonus Honourable Mention: Me for being way late on this. Sorry guys. Consider this the supplemental online draft version of a Raw review or something.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Aggressive Art, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Tom Holzerman - The Wrestling Blog, on Twitter, on Tumblr

ROYAL RUMBLE REVIEW: DESTINY DEF. FAITH

That makes it sound like this PPV was headlined by strippers.

But what it really means is that CM Punk had faith and was eliminated by John Cena and his leprechaun companion, while Alberto Del Rio fulfilled his destiny by winning the Royal Rumble (but you already knew that). And you probably already knew that I was going to say "but you already knew that."

ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RIO

IT'S HIS DENSITY DESTINY!!

Photo - WWE.com

Has one Royal Rumble match ever had so much comedy? Between Hornswoggle's slapstick, Santino's near win, and Cena and Orton's utterly heatless staredown(s!), no gut was left unbusted last night.

In addition to the comedy, there was also wrestling.

WWE 2011 ROYAL RUMBLE

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

EDGE VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

Holy BALLS does Dolph Ziggler bump like Shawn Michaels or what? I'm sure I'm not the first guy to draw that comparison, but watching him fly around the ring reminds me of early HBK (I just watched the '92 Rumble where he bumped like a fish out of water for the whole thing). He might wrestle with more conviction than anyone on the roster right now, save for the ROH alumni I mark like a fangirl (I'm a boy) for.

Ziggler brought out the best in Edge last night - but y'know what brought out even more "the best" (that doesn't make sense) in Edge last night? NOT USING THE SPEAR. With the spear banned, Edge was forced to find new (or old) ways to win, and that made him more entertaining in the ring than he's been in a long time. Maybe that's because he's been in the ring with Kane for a long time. But that's beside the point.

The point is, this was the hottest match bell-to-bell of the entire night. And Dolph Ziggler will find himself in more World Title matches as the year goes on, because he's doing what very few guys can do - overcome brutal gimmicks (Spirit Squad, Dolph Ziggler, etc.) with unmistakeable talent.

ROYAL RUMBLE (FIRST HALF)

When the Royal Rumble kicks off with something that would crash the ROH Message Board ten times over, you know you're in for a good match. Or at least good first half, as was the case last night (for me). You don't need me to tell you how fun it was to watch Punk and Bryan go at it (and when William Regal was thrown in the mix I think my boner leapt off and did a dance), or John Morrison's THE FLOOR IS LAVA THE FLOOR IS LAVA elimination save, or Miz eliminating Cena, or Santino's charisma overdose at the end, or Booker T (holy--) or Diesel (--fuck) or anything, because you know how awesome these things were.

THE BOOKING OF: NEXUS = FOUR STEVE AUSTINS, JOHN CENA = BRET HART

Kind of.

You get to see this every now and then in the Rumble. Punk did it last year. Austin did it in '97. A heel clears the ring and starts chucking jobbers as they come in, one-by-one, until they finally run into their ultimate foe. For Punk (2010) it was Triple H. For Austin, it was Bret. And for Nexus, it was Cena. The entire lead up to that, including Booker T lighting up the entire crowd until they were completely deflated when Mason Ryan eliminated him, was perfect.

ALBERTO DELLLL RIIIIIIOOO!

I could feel the rage-sweat beading on the brows of smarks everywhere when it really seemed like Orton or Cena would win. And then I could hear the nervous sigh of relief when Del Rio dumped Orton over the top, and Ricardo Rodriguez made the six and a half minute winning call.

To point out how crazy this win is, Del Rio debuted in the WWE on August 20th, 2009 - four months and ten days before winning the Royal Rumble. Yokozuna is the only man in history to do it faster, and Del Rio did it about a half-year faster than some UFC guy named Brock Lesnar.

In other Rumble trivia, Del Rio is undefeated in Royal Rumble competition, alongside Lesnar and uh, Vince McMahon (he only has two Royal Rumble functions - go the distance and win or blow both quads).

RANDY ORTON, SOULLESS INDIVIDUAL

I like it when Randy Orton RKO's stupid people. Or when he gets so mad in the ring that smarks thinks he's mad for real. Or when he pitches Alex Riley over the top rope like he's DJ Jazzy Jeff. Or when he gets a look on his face that he might do something psycho like disembowel Vickie Guerrero. But...

2011 ROYAL RUMBLE

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

RANDY ORTON, HEATLESS INDIVIDUAL

When Randy Orton isn't turbo-RKOing eight people at once, apparently people (and I) don't give a shit about him. I already mentioned it once, but could you believe your eyes (and ears) when the smoke cleared in the Rumble, bodies were everywhere, and John Cena and Randy Orton both turned around to face each other one-on-one... to DEAFENING SILENCE.

Hold that exchange up against Punk and Cena from earlier in the Rumble, or Edge and Ziggler's entire match, or 51-year-old Kevin Nash getting a LET'S GO DIESEL chant, or anything, and you've got a staredown (actually, two staredowns) that no one cares about.

This nose-to-nose showdown acted like a real-time poll of WWE fans everywhere - do you want to see this match at WrestleMania? The answer was a very disinterested "uh, no thank you."

ROYAL RUMBLE (SECOND HALF)

Before I start, I should say that I enjoyed the match overall. It's impossible not to. It's the most fun thing ever and no amount of giggly Hornswoggle offense could ruin it.

But between Randy Orton and Dolph Ziggler inexplicably entering the match (which was totally no sold by the announcers for some reason), a ton of WrestleMania sign-pointing, the Cena/Orton silent staredown (seriously, people didn't even boo to be like "WE DON'T WANT THIS"), and a really tame final four (devoid of any anticipation or drama, until the hilariously done Santino spot), the second half of the match really lost steam for me.

AWESOME KONG?

I don't need to write about this, because K. Sawyer Paul already put it perfectly.

But I should mention that Eve crying after winning the Divas Title was oddly sad. Maybe she just shattered her knees on that moonsault.

THE MIZ VS. RANDY ORTON

I've already touched on Randy Orton (I bet there's a lot of girls out there that want to touch on Randy Orton), but I have this to say about the match itself: I watched it last night and can't remember a thing about it. Pretty much my reaction to this match was the equivalent of the fans' reaction to the Cena/Orton staredown.

As for tonight, WWE has announced that Alberto Del Rio will decide which champion he will face at WrestleMania. Apparently they forgot about their own Road to WrestleMania, which generally features two more matches when another ten guys get a shot at the title.

STARS 2010: RANDY ORTON

It is time.

Much like many of my fellow bloggers, I am taking a look back at the past year in the world of professional wrestling. However, unlike many of my fellow bloggers (like The Wrestling Blog's BLOGGIE Awards, Kick-Out Radio's Kick-Outie's and WrestleSpective's Brain Buster Awards), these are not awards. I find it impossible to definitively decide one thing is better than another when it comes to a year's worth of wrestling, so this is what you get - me rambling about random things that happened this year with vague categories tagged on that make it at least kinda feel like a proper year in review!

Kicking off my completely unorganized, non-award-giving, non-top-ten-list-doing, retrospective for the year 2010 is...

THE VIPER

RANDY ORTON

Photo - WWE.com

Or maybe it should be...

RANDY ORTON

'S RKO

Photo - WWE.com

Okay, I'll just stick with the first one. But if the RKO was a person, it'd be appearing as the second guest on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, because it'd be the most over guy in the company.

Hmm... actually, let's take a look at Randy Orton's year vs. Randy Orton's RKO's year:

RANDY ORTON IN 2010

- Tweened for the start of the year

- Lost to Sheamus at the Royal Rumble via DQ

- Was eliminated first in the RAW Elimination Chamber match at Elimination Chamber

- Feuded with his own stable - which turned him face (er, somehow)

- Defeated his own proteges at WrestleMania - that'll teach 'em!

- Lost to Jack Swagger at Extreme Rules

- Separated his own shoulder by taunting

- Lost at Fatal 4-Way to Sheamus, John Cena and Edge

- Def. Edge and Chris Jericho on RAW to become #1 Contender to Sheamus' WWE Title in a fantastic TV match

- Still didn't beat Sheamus for the title at SummerSlam

- Was suddenly booked stronger than anyone ever in his road to Night of Champions by putting everyone through tables and RKOing the trunks (or jorts) off everyone in sight

- Became WWE Champion at Night of Champions

- Finally beat Sheamus at Hell In A Cell

- Was the awkward third wheel in a John Cena/Nexus feud

- Lost the WWE Title to The Miz, when he cashed in his Money In The Bank contract

Looks like kind of a whatever year for Orton, right? Well let's look at the RKO's year:

RANDY ORTON'S RKO IN 2010

- RKO'd Meatloaf

- RKO'd Wayne Brady

- RKO'd Evan Bourne out of a Shooting Star Press

- RKO'd Michael Cole

- RKO'd The Miz after an emasculating slap in the face, then said STUPID STUPID STUPID (he needs to get that over as a real catchphrase because it's way better than saying R... K... O... really slowly, or even better than how he says the word "skull"), then he almost said MOTHERFUCKER on PG WWE TV.

- RKO'd Sheamus' grandmother, Randy Orton's grandmother (in Randy Orton's fucked up mind)

- RKO'd Chris Jericho off a ladder

- RKO'd John Cena through a table (kinda)

- Hit four (FOUR) RKO's in under a minute

- RKO'd literally everyone else

- Every RKO got an explosive seizure reaction from the crowd

Whether it's the RKO or the man himself, Randy Orton had people backflipping out of their seats whenever he came out to the ring. He was among only a few guys this year who could get a guaranteed hot reaction with every match or RKO to a random wrestler or D-list celebrity. He may not have had the best matches this year (his match vs. Edge & Jericho probably being the only true standout, which is tough considering he was WWE champ for a good chunk of the year), but he had starpower to spare.

2011 could be an even bigger year for Orton with an epic feud with The Miz on the horizon. But I think he'd be best used if he just handed out RKO's like Shawn Michaels hands out superkicks to random civilians.

RAW THOUGHTS - 11/15/10: SLUTS, BITCHES, JIM ROSS AND ONE FEUD-SAVING PROMO

Before I hit you with an onslaught of random as-they-happen thoughts from Monday's Old School RAW, I should say this: what a great fucking show. As you'll see from what I wrote down while watching, I loved it. But what may have been the most shocking thing from this show was how much it made me not only understand the main event of Survivor Series, but get invested in it.

Leading up to this themed RAW, everybody (me included) was assuming that any attempt at a build for Survivor Series would get lost in a Wade Barrett & Repo Man vs. Randy Orton & Leilani Kai main event weird tag match or something. Instead, they brought in Roddy Piper to make Daniel Day Lewis quiver in his boots by delivering a promo with such chilling conviction that I accidentally pre-ordered Survivor Series as it happened. Okay, I didn't. And still won't. But this promo was DEADLY.

So here's what I wrote down during the show, which is mostly just me writing things in CAPS LOCK and then not and maybe swearing a bit and stuff, because that's how I watch RAW. Enjoy.

RAW THOUGHTS - 11/15/10

OLD SCHOOL

Photo - WWE.com

- Mean Gene's got one hell of a trembling microphone, which they are clearly trying to get out of frame. Good luck with that ALL NIGHT.

- Even with a stumble or two, Bob Orton can cut a meaner promo than the entire locker room.

- I love how beat up Miz's briefcase is from smacking people over the head with it.

- How can something as simple as guardrails and no flashy lights and ring ropes and all that stuff that's not supposed to matter… make this feel so much better. AND THE PICTURE IN PICTURE PROMOS. FUCK IT I LOVE IT.

- SEXUAL CHOCOLATE. Best RAW ever.

- I feel like there have been a lot more "Jerry Lawler likes inappropriately young girls" jokes lately. I also feel like this Mark Henry/Dolph Ziggler match has been a whole Vickie Guerrero shirt-load of fun.

- Did Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry kick out of the Zig Zag? Maybe he needs to remain in this sexually charged Mark Henry state.

- Has Tony Atlas been huffing WD40?

- I believe Yoshi Tatsu just committed Seppuku.

- David Hart Smith's suplex clinic ruled.

- BOO. Tyson turns on DH. For what, Tyson. For what.

- Mean Gene's face is moving in all kinds of places, as if there are small electrodes underneath his skin in random spots.

- I like the logic R-Truth brings to the table. Why the FUCK should John Cena care about Randy Orton? Sure, he stands for morality and all that is good in the WWE, so giving in to Wade Barrett would be against all that he is. But, if he were to use logic, why should he help Orton, who's attacked his fucking dad and tried to end his career in the past, when he could help Barrett, then just beat the shit out of him and challenge him to a match for the title which he will no doubt win? Truth is the voice of reason… or truth I guess. (EDITOR'S NOTE: watch for me to flip on this idea by the end of the show!)

- They really went all out with the Old School theme. Just like the old merch commercials with the TV's in the backgound. Great idea to sell merch, bad idea to sell Survivor Series, but everyone knew that coming into it. (EDITOR'S NOTE: this one too!)

- I kinda feel bad for some of the kids who probably just want to see the guys they know. But I guess this is one show out of a billion that isn't for them.

- Big Zeke loves to smile, doesn't he? They make it super easy. Good guys = smile, point, maybe skip to the ring. Bad guys = frowny faces.

- I don't think I can take another David Otunga lip-bite without scooping my own eyes out with a spork.

- Haha, referees in 80's wigs trying to split up a serious fight is hilarious.

- This Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Santino Marella, Vladmir Kozlov, Slick song and dance segment is complete chaos. And I totally feel like they were just like "HO SHIT GET THE USO'S OUT THERE TO STOP THIS MADNESS"

- Snuka's hands always look inhumanly large to me. Like balloon animals or something.

- Uso's vs. Santino/Kozlov, winners become #1 Contenders to the tag titles by default because this is all we got left.

- Holy fuck. Can someone feed the babyfaces another line besides "you're a bully."?! Even though that was one of Morrison's better promos for sure, just saying you're a bully is so unintimidating and after-school special that it deflates anything I was feeling a second ago. I guess that's not JoMo's fault, since he sounded pissed and stuff. But… bully? C'mon guys. We're grown ups. And I don't even mean me. You're grown ups.

- Otunga threw the best move he's ever thrown in that criss-cross elbow to Kofi.

- Loved all of the extra random details thrown into the Sheamus/Morrison feud - yelling at a waitress in Milan for messing up his cappuccino, picking on flight attendants… too good. I can't even tell if I like this because of how ridiculous it is (picturing Sheamus ordering a cappuccino... THEN YELLING BECAWSE IT'S JOAST TOO HOT FOR ME IRISH TUNG) or how there's so much to this story we didn't know, and for no apparent reason. I thought Morrison was just sticking up for Santino because Sheamus was bullying him, not because he also bully's people on the road too! WHAT A BULLY!

- I want someone to make a montage of every "DAMN" segment that devolves into a musicless dance-off. I don't know what use I would have for it, but I can only assume it would solve some kind of epidemic in the future.

- Eve's aggressive dancing isn't old school or new school or any kind of school that teaches things.

- R-Truth with a somersault plancha.

- R-Truth with a big goober spilling out of his mouth.

- R-Truth with a big goober catapulting out of his mouth, after a big weird Wade Barrett elbow drop (am I the only one who finds his top rope elbow drops weird?)

- Can they do Attitude Era RAW next week? I just want to see how jarring it would be to go from this to blood and boobies and cussing' and jiggly-leg Rock stomps.

- Tito Santana introducing Alberto Del Rio, as being driven by Chavo Classic, with the ropes held open for him by the Mexicools. Okay not the last part.

- I love Alberto Del Rio. - I zoned out while watching the match and apparently wrote this but I have no recollection of doing so whatsoever. Turns out even my subconscious loves Del Rio!

- LOL. Mae Young drops a bomb! Amazing. SLUTS AND BITCHES.

- My favourite diva special move = call her diva friends with a conch shell to stand in a red rover line.

- J F'N R.

- JR and King embracing somehow brings a tear to my eye like when my mom and dad hug.

- HOLY FUCK YES. Bryan Danielson being called by Jim Ross. I love this show.

- My god. RAW has become a godly show in two seconds. Jim Ross calling Bryan Danielson vs. Jack Swagger. The All American American vs. the All American American Dragon.

- I love JR completely ignoring Cole. It's the only way.

- BIG FLYING KNEE FROM DRAGON

- EVEN BIGGER DROPKICK.

- Holy hell. Great match between Swagger and Bryan. Even if it had Michael Cole stink all over it.

- AND DIBIASE ISSUES HIS CHALLENGE. I think these guys could have some great matches. But so could Danielson and a cardboard cutout of David Otunga biting his lip.

- The sheer number of legends brought in for this show is pretty overwhelming. Not to mention all of the other changes to the show. Pretty impressive. See you Sunday, whatever PPV. (EDITOR'S NOTE: wait for it...)

- Best line ever from Piper. If you had a problem, you did something about it. Today, you emote about it for several months.

- Roddy Piper. Incredible.

- John Cena's emoting. I take it back. Also incredible.

- And now the booking of the SS main event makes more sense (EDITOR'S NOTE: there it is!). Sure, no one is tuning in to see what John Cena does during the match. You can find out that result online in seconds/on RAW the next night/whatever. If you're buying this PPV based on this match, you are buying it to see John Cena beat the holy piss out of Wade Barrett. And if THAT doesn't happen (Nexus run-in/whatever) then this PPV is a fail. Because that is all they are building to.

- Goddamn. Cena hits Barrett with the Attitude Adjustment. I really thought they'd wait until the PPV. … I should have known.

Roddy Piper put that match over more than anyone involved in it has for me. And it has nothing to do with him being an old school guy or anything. He just spelled out John Cena's motivation for me in a way that John Cena has yet to do.

Anyway, great show. There was rumour that they'd run another "Old School" RAW in the near future if they pop a rating (see how I used insider language there? I'M LEARNING!), but I do believe the rating for this RAW fell pretty much on par with what they've been doing lately, which is a bummer. I thought for sure they'd do well off of this show, but maybe the advertising just wasn't there for it or something.

Oh well. Looks like it's back to regular old RAW next week. Or maybe they could do a "future" RAW where Michael Cole is hoarse and grizzled and wrestlers don't wrestle in the ring, they shoot guns at each other, because it's come full circle to the extreme since Triple H runs the show and I haven't fully fleshed out this idea that I'm making up as I write this sentence so now the joke is over okay bye.