WWE MONEY IN THE BANK REVIEW: THAT'S GOTTA BE... KANE?

Through heckfire (we're PG) and brimstone, Kane won his second ever World Championship last night, after winning the Smackdown! Money In The Bank ladder match, and I... well, I probably should've seen that coming, in retrospect. Instead, I hitched my wagon to Matt Hardy's star. I don't know how he didn't win, he seems to be of completely sane mind!

WWE MONEY IN THE BANK

GUYS. KANE WON.

Photo - WWE.com

I'm not going to do a full-blown like/dislike review of this show. I liked Swagger/Rey, thought it was easily the best match, I liked a lot of the bumps and stories told in the MITB matches themselves (and that Miz won!), the Divas matches were (I wish I could put a drop-down menu here where you choose your own silly word to describe these matches)... but the real story here is Kane.

Rewind your brain (which, if you're a guy who watches wrestling all day like me, is the thing in your head that's turned to a pasty mush) to last year. Or even sooner. In fact, to illustrate the absurdity of Kane, let's just point out what's he's been up to in recent months.

KANE TIMELINE!

- Thought he tortured Rey Mysterio, but nope, he didn't, and then he lost like twenty hundred matches to him.

- Feuded and teamed with the Great Khali in a storyline that made no sense and included a Ranjin Singh abduction.

- Has been living in a red room backstage for fucking ever. WHY IS IT RED?! "Um, this dressing room is great guys, but I could definitely use a couple red lamps to get me in the mood to breathe heavily in people's faces."

- Lost to Drew McIntyre on PPV

- Got new pants! (This was the most interesting thing to happen to Kane since he combined fireworks with X-Pac)

- Lost to the NXT Rookies (although to be fair this is when they still had Bryan Danielson on their team)

- Teamed with Rey Mysterio (y'know, 'cause Kane forgives easily apparently).

- Has essentially been the guy everyone beats before fighting their actual opponent on PPV since I (and you) can remember.

- Fucking CRIED.

- ...

- WORLD CHAMP

I am obviously omitting some key stuff in order to serve my silly agenda, but still. COME ON. HE CRIED. Only ONE world champion is allowed to cry and that's Shawn Michaels. Triple H doesn't even cry, he just makes those weird grunting noises. AND HIS WIFE WAS RAPED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

I'm just not ready to accept Kane as champion. A few weeks of "you killed my brother- no YOU did, - no wait, maybe YOU did! BWAHH I KILL YOU NOW" when everyone knows Kane did it, (because come on, he did it, you know this) - is not enough for me. He's just been a glorified jobber for waaaayyy too long. This needed to be a much bigger and more badass overhaul of character for him to be bought as a legit threat.

But this is all my stupid opinion because clearly no one cares. People popped like crazy when he came out and dropped Rey Mysterio on his brain.

I would've 100% been on board with this (because I have been wanting something good to be done with Kane for a while now) if he had been off TV forever, maybe after some horrible, overacted action-entertainment stunt gone wrong, where he would return as SUPER KANE and look crazy and act crazy (but real crazy, not "cry into a coffin" crazy, although, reading that back... that does sound pretty fucking crazy).

Instead we're left with something that could go either way. This could lead to some kind of Undertaker feud, maybe even pushed to a WrestleMania match, maybe even, and I'm getting ahead of myself here, and using lots of commas, a retirement match.

Or we could see Kane just be same old Kane and drop the belt and we once again forget that he was ever a world champion.... uh, again. Two times. Yeah.

To cap this review off, I just heard about two RAW guest hosts for October. Here are some pictures.

One will be amazing:

It's the PSP kid! Y'know from Role Models! This will be pretty funny! Who's the other guy?

Maybe it's time to re-access my life choices.