07/04/11 RAW REVIEW: JOHN CENA, AMERICAN MALE

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that focuses on writing and editing and never has any tyops at all. I'm a regular contributor at FTF (mainly for Raw reviews, like this one, which I will get to after plugging everyone I know on the Internet).

With me are co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling, as well as Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and my blogging D-Bro Brown TH of The Wrestling Blog. Give Fair To Flair a read, and I specifically suggest checking out the first-ever Fair To Flair Quarterly, an actual book that you can touch and read in the real world out there, or if you prefer melting your balls with your laptop for 14 hours a day like I do, it's also available in several digital formats!

Now, onto my review of the July 4th edition of Monday Night Raw, a show celebrating America and butt humour (mostly butt humour).

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/04/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

SHE FELL ON HER BOTTOM INTO SOME CAKE

Right in the face of all the fat jokes Jerry Lawler can Google (he might still use Alta Vista), Vickie Guerrero was ****ing hilarious on Raw. That is my favourite kind of humour (not the butt humour [although lol butts] but [lol but] stay with me for a second plz wait stop).

No, not the falling on to her bottom (and then onto her boobies) into a decorative cake part; the singing to Dolph Ziggler part, where she is COMPLETELY UNAWARE that maybe the fans might not like what she’s doing.

I love the heel who is one hundred percent blind to the fact that their actions may in fact upset the people paying to see the show. Vickie was SO offended by the booing:

“HOW RUDE. I’m just trying to sing a happy birthday song to America and Dolph Ziggler when it’s not really his birthday, all while you’re waiting for someone to come out and beat us up and make good pro-wrestling use of this here cake that I suppose I expect Dolph to consume in its entirety, because otherwise why did I make a whole huge cake for a one-person party. EXCUSE MEEEE.”

Bonus points to the guy in the front row who stood up RIGHT AS Vickie said “everyone stand up.” Double bonus points to this kid’s psychotic thumbs down.

R-TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

We can now add Flo and Señor Jimmy to R-Truth’s ever-expanding, Bruce Springsteen-like universe (not to be confused with the Bruce Springsteen Universe, his legion of fans) of fictional characters. So that’s Flo, Señor Jimmy, Little Jimmy, Big Jimmy (was there ever a Medium Jimmy? Let’s just round up the whole Jimmy Family), and of course his long lost son, who, bad news…is still lost. The good news is, his estranged father just saved money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

R-Truth inexplicably plugging Geico (and referencing a SECOND INSURANCE COMPANY, which went over my head but did not go over others’) adds yet another layer to his perpetually deteriorating psyche. Yes. A layer added to a psyche that’s deteriorating. Maybe I’m crazy too?

Speaking of Señor Jimmy, did anyone else notice that fan who made a Señor Jimmy sign MID-SHOW? How over are you (or, rather, how over are the random things you say) when you don’t have to wait until next week to see if the fans put your new catchphrase on a sign, because they’re rabidly arts and crafts-ing them right there in the audience?

3 SECONDS OF ZACK RYDER

Man! Zack Ryder is finally ge—

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 07/04/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

JOHN CENA: PROUD ‘MURICAN, UNABASHED JORTS ENTHUSIAST

If there’s one thing I thought this ****ING EPIC CM Punk story needed, it was John Cena coming out on Independence Day to defend the First Amendment and talk about his jorts until Vince McMahon started half-shooting about Hogan, followed by Cena pretend shooting about crowd signs and Daniel Bryan. Vince said he’ll fire John Cena if he loses and man I wonder what will happen will Cena be Free or Fired now because he loves America and the WWE and my brain has strated too shut off nowwnknfj…

I appreciate the execution of it all. Vince McMahon is one of my favourite people to listen to speak about anything, even more so nowadays as his voice is getting gurglier and his suits are getting powderier. John Cena wasn’t crappy and didn’t let even one wiener joke slip out. But I still hate this new, completely unnecessary twist that has been shoehorned in to what was an awesome story to begin with.

Why do we need John Cena’s stupid job on the line AGAIN? It’s already been established that it doesn’t matter if he gets fired, because if he gets fired he’ll just keep showing up until he tricks someone into putting his job back on the line again and then he adjusts their attitude and I’m back my time is now, this is all i got, ad infinitum.

I (and I assume most people) now expect one of two things to happen at Money In The Bank:

• 1. John Cena wins.
• 2. CM Punk wins, MITB winner cashes in immediately.
• 3. YOU STUPID OLD MAN I’M A SNAKE

Either way, we don’t get a “CENA’S FREEEEEE” story so soon after the last one, and Punk still leaves without the belt.

Before the firing angle was thrown in, there was at least some faint possibility of Punk winning and walking away somehow. Not for real (it’s real to me, etc.), but in the story. Now it feels like they’ve handcuffed themselves just so they could have some kind of “shocking” ending to a taped Raw. But then again, it could be something else altogether, because I am routinely wrong in predicting the thing I’ve been watching for twenty years or whatever it is, can’t really remember because I’ve been watching wrestling for twenty years of whatever (can’t really remember) and my brain is now a soft goo sloshing around in my head.

AND ANOTHER THING

VIDEO PACKAGE OF CM PUNK SAYING THINGS THAT GOT HIS MIC CUT OFF MADE BY THE PEOPLE WHO CUT HIS MIC OFF

Can someone please explain this to me?

What possible benefit is there from making a video for this feud? There’s a like a week left until they fight, and people know what the Internet is, so let them go there to find out what Punk said, instead of you editing clips of CM Punk’s voice skipping and coloured bars from Stamford together to illustrate how you don’t want him to say the things he’s saying but you’re happy to edit the things he’s saying into a video package.

Just let the announcers use their sombre announcer voice to tell us that CM Punk is suspended for the things he said, and now we’ll move on with the show. The angle generated more than enough interest to carry the feud without a crappy video package. But no. No. NO. Everyone needs a T-shirt and theme music and a cameo on George Lopez Tonight and a video package or else people won’t know that they’re watching a stupid wrestling show.

Sometimes I just wish that logic would supersede the WWE template for more than one week. Other times I wish I could dial back the rage in order to make clear-headed comments on the show but USEDA IS A ROOSTA FROM BREWSTA AND WE CAN’T ALL GET WHAT WE WANT NOW CAN WE?!

… sorry.

Either way, it doesn’t really matter for me. I’ve already bought the show in my mind and no amount of John Cena Free or Feast or Fired angles could undo that.

Now onto the important stuff.

KELLY KELLY’S BUTT IS RUBBING OFF ON EVE

Either Kelly Kelly is somehow convincing Eve that using your butthole to attack a person is much more effective than Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, or Eve is just absorbing Kelly’s butt-powers through Tag Team Osmosis. I prefer the scenario where Kelly mentors Eve:

Kelly: Hmm, so you do a standing moonsault?

Eve: I try.

Kelly: Why don’t you try butt****ing the air right before jumping?

Eve: BRILLIANT, now let’s walk to the ring smiling and laughing.

Let’s get Kelly Kelly to involve her butt in every move in her arsenal (lol arse). Or maybe she should just keep getting more and more vulgar with her offense until she’s just hurling her vagina at people like she’s the female Danshoku Dino of the WWE.

Or, at the very least, she should start RKOing people.

Honourable Mention: Wrestling.

Maybe this should’ve been way up there in the WOO!—but in actuality, it probably should’ve been right in the middle. And usually that’s not something I write about. But everything felt so…normal. Nothing stood out as awesome (the only inadvertent noise I made aloud was when Alberto Del Rio did his trademark—or Vintage, as Michael Cole quipped. Also, let’s give him a year in the company before we break out the Vintage line maybe—tumble through the ropes), but nothing stood out as terrible, and that to me makes it the worst. If it’s terrible, then I can laugh and crack wise with myself at least (I need to stop watching this show alone).

Honourable Honourable Mention: Taped shows that are normally live shows.

Even if you avoid spoilers, taped shows are the worst. The editing is way weirder (take Miz and Riley’s backslide), the flow (FLO!) is totally different, and a lot of it is just unexplainable. When a show is live, you really do feel like anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation for over fifty years the revolutionary force in Sports Entertainment (even though it can’t really but I WANT TO BELIEVE), but when a show is taped all of that is lost.

Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention: Big Andy needs to take his silent rage to a public subway.

On one last note, have you ever really watched Edge’s first titantron video? We all remember the screaming and yelling and running and stuff, but there’s a part where he’s just reaching in a car window grabbing and shaking a guy. And there’s another part where he throws a chop to the belly of some random guy on the street. It’s AMAZING.

Someone gif that up, send it my way and I’ll have a giggle fit in your honour.

AWESOME VINCE MCMAHON & STEVE AUSTIN ANIMATION

My buddy Mike (World Champion of Something) sent this over to me this morning. He's a teacher's assistant, and a student in his animation class made this awesome video. Try and not laugh.

This project gets a grade A... can of whoop ass! Hahaha... hahaha... ha.

02/07/11 RAW REVIEW: RYAN VS. TRUTH l

Here's what I thought of the RAW that emanated from somewhere in Wisconsin.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

REAL THINGS!

It's the real things that make wrestling exciting. Do you think that opening segment would've been anywhere near as exciting had Punk not been busted open? When something happens that isn't supposed to, my ears perk up like a startled deer. Even when R-Truth forgot where he was (pretty mawnin' time?) and everyone made fun of him for the rest of the show, it made the entire night more entertaining. If these two things didn't happen, I feel like I would've been bored out of my skoll (that's me saying "skull" the way Randy Orton says it).

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. SANTINO MARELLA

Two of my favourite guys wrestling over a really simple conflict from the Royal Rumble. There was nothing not to like about this. Also, Santino has somehow made it impossible for himself to not be over. He can be a total punchline and lose every match, but since that's his character, the crowd doesn't seem to care. Also, after a night of three Nexus matches, I accidentally cheered out loud when Del Rio came out, because he is, y'know, not completely boring.

BRYAN/LAWLER VS. MIZ/DIBIASE

I also liked how they set this match up with The King and The Miz going back and forth, but not as much as I liked the actual match. I also liked not having to see the Bellas (who are heel now so they do their sexy hip sway taunt with a MEAN FACE) when I see Daniel Bryan. Turns out that he can be exciting without the distraction of two skanks going "c'moon Dan-yullll... c'mon Dan-yull.." in weird unison.

Honourable Mention: Continuity. Mentioning Orton and Punk's past was a nice touch. But I also feel like rewarding WWE for remembering something they did and followed up on is dumb. It's like when people applaud when your plane lands.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

MASON RYAN VS. R-TRUTH VS. MILWAUKEE

To be totally honest, when I started watching last night, I was wasn't planning on writing about the show. I just felt like watching it. Then this happened, and I swear to God, it played out like one of those old Wrestling Observer recaps of WCW Nitro 2000. Allow me to take a stab at it:

"Mason Ryan is in the ring and Michael Cole throws to a video of himself explaining why all the New Nexus members are in singles matches against the participants of the Elimination Chamber match. R-Truth is Ryan's opponent and he comes out and says "GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - WHAT'S UP?!" and they're in Milwaukee. The crowd boos. Michael Cole starts burying R-Truth for getting the name wrong. R-Truth goes for the leapfrog off the corner to hop over Ryan, but he doesn't get all the way up and they just kind of collide. The crowd starts chanting "Milwaukee." After they die down, Michael Cole tries to get it started again by standing up and turning around and chanting it to no avail. Mason Ryan body slams R-Truth into the ropes three times. Ryan awkwardly applies the Brock Lock and wins. He then goes to get a chair, but the referee stops him and takes the chair away and throws it away twice with literally no struggle. Mason Ryan is like two Batista's stuffed into one body, and he had that chair snatched away from him twice by a scrawny ref. He goes in the ring and puts on that awkward Brock Lock again, and makes it more awkward by standing up with R-Truth dangling off of him, and doing almost a pelvic thrust type maneuver. The referee disqualifies Ryan after he already won and now R-Truth wins."

VINCE MCMAHON'S ANNOUNCEMENT

This was underwhelming in like ten ways. This was Vince's return to non-dream-sequence television for the first time in forever. And his announcement was an announcement... for an announcement! But, he gave us a hint. Since that guest host concept was so successful (read: not successful at all), we're getting one for WrestleMania. The live crowd was not too psyched about this, but who would be if a guy came out, essentially put down the Super Bowl (which your team just won), and announced that we'll get some sweet news next week. I couldn't believe that Vince looked surprised when people didn't go crazy for this. You'd think he'd have experience with making announcements since HE'S VINCE MCMAHON. I'm pretty sure he invented announcements (he didn't but I love hyperbole so much I want to marry it and tattoo it on my face forever infinity!!!!).

JOHN CENA

I can't even fully come up with a reason why. Maybe I was in a crabby mood. I just kind of felt my eyes glaze over when he did his "city of Milwaukee" promo. I don't think it's unreasonable to be a wrestling fan who writes about wrestling on the internet and not like it when John Cena leads an audience in a football cheer, punches CM Punk in the penis and beats everybody up with a steel chair.

Honourable Mention: The commentary. This has been said so many times it's barely worth mentioning. But sometimes I have one of those moments when I'm watching six women throwing themselves around the ring while Michael Cole is shouting about nothing and I wonder why the WWE think this is the best way to do it. Side note: if you watch Superstars after watching months of RAW and Michael Cole's infuriating, irrelevant commentary, your ears get this unmistakeable good feeling in them. It's because on Superstars, it's two jobbers (I mean this in the nicest way, as you'll see) wrestling each other, and because John Cena and The Miz aren't on this show, the announcers have no choice but to talk about the match. And because the two jobbers have no real storyline, they have no choice but to talk about the match. It's amazing to see WWE wrestling matches called as if they're just wrestling matches and nothing else. Watch this show and see what I mean.

The end!

I'M BACK! IT FEELS LIKE I'VE BEEN AWAKENED FROM A COMA!

Nothing like that has happened in wrestling lately, has it? Nah, that'd be crazy!

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - Stephanie McMahon's limbic system

Well, it's been a solid month, but I'm back. First thing I should probably get to - the WWE PPV Prediction Game. I totally dropped the ball on that one, not once, but twice. Travelling and keeping up with things like that are certainly not easy, but hopefully I'll have my shit in order for Survivor Series. If I don't, I give you permission to blind me with an urn that may or may not steal my soul and/or powers.

DANIEL BRYAN VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

BRAGGING RIGHTS, RAW, SMACKDOWN

Photo - WWE.com

You don't need me to tell you how great this was several weeks after the fact, because you already know. Bryan Danielson is currently filling a Matt Hardy-sized void (he's still fat right? I've been gone for a while) in the WWE by putting on the kind of wrestling matches you don't see in this wrestling company. The kind of wrestling matches you see in this wrestling company have shoulder offense and David Otunga slow motion scoop slams. This match didn't have any of that! It had fans reacting and responding to legitimate wrestling moves and holds. For a match that had maybe a week of build, it tore the house down by telling a story in the ring.

I truly feel like this match will be the Dynamite Kid/Tiger Mask equivalent when we look back on this time and go "WOW, that was going on while I was watching John Cena sell an insult for three and a half minutes?!"

UNDERTAKER AND KANE

PUSHING THE LIMITS OF SANITY (UNTIL VINCE MCMAHON'S DREAM COMA ON RAW)

Photo - WWE.com

This feud bounced back and forth between being completely un-paul-bearable (lol?) to being legit viral video worthy. I can't tell if I loved it or hated it. The Paul Bearer promo that looked like it was edited by Tim Heidecker where he challenged Undertaker to a Buried Alive match was accidental comedy GOLD. But then all of the whiffed punches and punch-drunk selling that came in between the voodoo lightning bolts and arena-climbing took up so much time that I think I'll stick this in the "hated it" column. And that's hard for me to do, because so much of this was so camp and cheesy that it was fun to watch when you're blind drunk.

RING OF HONOR NEWS

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, FINAL BATTLE, TYLER/DAVEY

Incredible photo - Scott Finkelstein's Get Lost Photography

We're heading into yet another exciting couple of months for ROH, and I'll be seeing some of it live. I'll be hitting up both events next weekend - Survival of the Fittest in Michigan and the Daniels/Strong title match in Toronto, both of which I'm vibrating with anticipation for. Yep. Vibrating. I'll have some kind of preview up for those shows sometime soon.

While I was gone, a few awesome things happened, and one not so awesome thing happened. The not so awesome thing would be ROHBrazil's YouTube channel getting suspended. I was so psyched to throw on Tyler/Davey from a couple weeks ago and have a shouting match with my laptop (in excitement), but that didn't happen, DID IT?!

The awesome things, however, are these two badass hype videos. One is for the final encounter (or battle, I guess would be a better word) between Kevin Steen and El Generico at Final Battle - mask vs. career:

The other video is more of a music video. It's taken from Glory By Honor where the Kings of Wrestling had their theme music performed live by Cody B. Ware:

MATT HARDY RELEASED

CORE GROUP TO TNA?

Photo - MATTHARDYBRAND

There's nothing like leaving for a month and coming back to enough Matt Hardy YouTube videos to fill every pocket of your designer cargo pants. My personal favourite has to be this one, just for how it starts. I won't say how it starts since it caught me off guard and I spit up on my laptop in hysterics.

Now the question is, where does Matt go from here? Well, he wasted no time in telling us. After he assured us that he's doing great, he's better than ever. He's awesome. Never felt better - he's great guys! So great, so happy. So happy and great to be released - glad even! Guys, I'm fine. I love it. Fine guys. Never felt better, look at me. So happy. I'm fine. Fine. Great.

After he did that, he dropped some very subtle hints (watch carefully, you might miss the hints!) about where he may end up.

EDIT: I don't think I surveyed the situation properly to find my actual favourite Matt Hardy YouTube entry that went up while I was gone. Because I just watched this one. To quickly summarize, it begins with him in the shower and ends with him holding a gun over a bed full of money. And there's a giant broadsword. You're welcome.

ALSO THIS HAPPENED

HULK HOGAN RAPSTAR COMMERCIAL, FEATURING BROOKE HOGAN AND THE THING THAT MADE BROOKE HOGAN

Video courtesy of Kotaku - click image to watch

No, not Jimmy Hart - Hulk Hogan's genitalia! What a strange commercial. This, in addition to his "full-blown evil on your ass/draw money/start shootin'/fake ass wrestlin'" twitvid, and in addition to all of the insanity floating around TNA about concussions and brutal chairshots and "THEY" being these guys, goes to show that I haven't missed a thing in TNA in the last month. Business as usual.

That's definitely not all that happened this month. Smackdown! continued to produce the best mainstream wrestling show going, highlighted by a PPV-headlining-worthy main event contest between Alberto del Rio and Rey Mysterio. Evan Bourne and CM Punk were both injured, thus making RAW about 500% less watchable over the next few months. Lita ruined a game of diva-twister, Mark Henry revealed he needs to write "R" and "L" on each of his hands, Johnny Knoxville pulled some pranks, Undertaker was murdered and Freddie Prinze, Jr. is back with WWE as the resident medical doctor, specializing in Stephanie McMahon's fucked up dreams.

I love pro wrestling.

I'M GOING AWAY TO FIND MY SMILE (FOR LIKE A WEEK)

Well there's uh, one thing about me is I can't do anything halfway and I, and I come here and I hear the people and they chant uh, TH's name or they chant Steve's name or they chant a lot of people's names, and one thing's for sure, you're going to have all of that in the future, um, and that's what I want for PIZZABODYSLAM fans. In spite of, uh, what people may think about me, what I've always wanted for all these people is, is for them to have a good time reading my blog and to enjoy themselves. I've always tried to be the one to provide it whether it was on the funny side or the smarky side. But what was always important to me was the writing, was the writing so that these people, each time they reached into their bookmarks, they clicked on my name, they didn't regret it because they knew that if they saw my name in the URL they could laugh, they could sit and agree or disagree and they could do whatever they wanted as long as they had a good time.

I know we're in the middle of a time where opinionated writing is real big here in the IWC, and unfortunately all I've got right now for you is a lot of sorrow, a lot of tears, and a lot of emotion. I don't have any opinionated writing for anybody, so I guess, here you go, here's your blog (hands blog over to Vince).

And I have you to thank, and I have everybody here to thanks, and it means a lot to me and, uh, I'm gonna go to my cottage now. Okay? (hugs Vince and Gorilla Monsoon).

fin

Guys, never fear. I'll find my smile. In like a week. Just going to a cottage, as you may have guessed from my Shawn Michaels' speech. Funnily enough, I got the idea to write this absurd smile-losing speech about going away for a week and thought it'd be funny if I used the exact wording that Shawn did, but I was too lazy to transcribe it myself and surely no one has actually already done that, right? WRONG - you can count on the internet for ANYTHING! Thanks to Forever Shawn for already transcribing this speech for some unknown reason.

I'll be gone until the 29th, but, in my place, as you may have noticed me mention on Twitter, I'll be scheduling tweets ahead of time. So I will be still active, but it'll be like a ghost or time travel or some crazy shit.

I love pre-scheduling tweets (thank you HootSuite!). It's ridiculously fun and I don't even know why. So I'll be tweeting old blogs and new thoughts and all kinds of stuff while I'm takin' 'er easy at the old cottage. It's good to know that I can still talk about wrestling on the internet while I'm half in the bag in a canoe somewhere. Science knows no bounds!

So no new content on the blog for about a week, but plenty of tweets and reblogs and fake reactions to what's going on on RAW or whatever show, all from my Twitter feed.

Vince McMahon: Ladies and gentlemen... SHAWN MICHAELS PIZZABODYSLAM!!

JR: Well I'll tell ya folks, 25 years I've been doing this and I... I've never, I have never had the pain in my gut that I have right now. Good luck to you. Good luck to you.

WORDS I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN IF IT WEREN'T FOR WRESTLING: CONSORTIUM

con-sor-ti-um [kuhn-sawr-shee-uhm, -tee-]

- noun, plural -ti-a [-shee-uh, -tee-uh]

1. a combination of financial institutions, capitalists, etc., for carrying into effect some financial operation requiring large resources of capital.

2. any association, partnership, or union.

3. Ric Flair

Origin:

November 19th, 2001 on Monday Night Raw.

History:

Shane and Stephanie sold their share of WWF stock (which they still owned when they were spearheading the WCW/ECW vs. WWF feud) to a "consortium" which ended up just being a fancy word for Ric Flair, which made Flair and Vince McMahon co-owners of the WWF. I still don't understand this word. Thanks, wrestling!

STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS: GO PHOENIX

Because of this, from The WWEUniverse's Twitter:

Photos - WWE.com

Click here to see the full article and photo gallery

Jason LaBarbera is sporting a specially made WrestleMania XXVI mask with Vince McMahon, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker all wrapped around his head.

As a Canadian, I probably should be cheering for Montreal or Ottawa or Vancouver, but since my beloved (read: crappy) Toronto Maple Leafs didn't make the playoffs this year (look out next year!*), I think I'll cheer for the team with the goalie most likely to chokeslam someone (REST IN PEACE, HENRIK ZETTERBERG).

So I'll throw in my prediction for the Phoenix/Detroit series, which Phoenix is leading 1-0 already.

- Phoenix wins game 2 at home

- Detroit comes back to take game 3

- Detroit makes it two in a row and takes game 4, tying the series

- Detroit looks like they might take game 5, but the lights go out and everyone is laid out, and Phoenix wins in OT

- Detroit invades Phoenix's home

- Phoenix calls Detroit a BULLY

- Detroit makes Phoenix face Detroit's lackeys to get to Detroit at the PPV

- Phoenix takes game 7 inside the Hell In A Cell at the Hell In A Cell PPV, San Jose interferes to set up the big Phoenix/San Jose program.

- IWC says Phoenix is not "ready" for the Stanley Cup.

* = what we say every year :(