Holy fucking goddamn shit. He's right. The word "intensity" doesn't even begin to describe the epic life-changing event that I experienced when I heard him say his passion in life was "FUCKING PASSION!!!!!"
This video is jam-packed with gibberish, where Warrior tells you to start building your "wall of bodies" (start killing people?!) but also to politely disagree with someone if you don't agree with them (harsh, but fair). The Ghost of Warriors Past also makes several unexplained appearances. Sometimes he's writhing around silently, other times he appears over his own shoulder just looking around at stuff. It's weird. You have to watch this.
Matt Hardy, the ball of utter lunacy is in your court.
Hello! And welcome back to my wrestling blogging website, which apparently only has content once a season that recaps whatever happened while I was gone for that time. I'm sorry I leave you so often, sweet blog. You still love me, right? Why don't we make love anymore? WHATS HIS NAME?
So I'm back again. But let's be honest, I'll probably be gone tomorrow and you won't see me 'til Since I've Been Gone VII - Adrian's Revenge.
SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI
I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING
So after five of these recaps, you might remember that I tend to miss something big while I'm gone. Miz cashing in, WrestleMania XXVII, a nude Tayne John Cena, y'know the important stuff. This time around, I think I caused the thing I missed:
MATT HARDY
OUT-CRAZY'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
WOW. BUDDY. Okay, um, Matt. I want to talk to Matt. Not Matthew. Is Matt in there? No Matt? Only Zuul?
Okay, Zuul, remember in my last blog how I gave you a Coach Taylor pep talk on how you can't let the Ultimate Warrior out-crazy you, and you need to get out there and be the best idiot you can be?
"I think [the Ultimate Warrior] showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.
You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you." - Me, August 17th, 2011
Remember when I said that?! DUDE I thought you were just going to post a video of you masturbating to your own action figure or something! I didn't think you'd actually take my advice to heart! You don't need to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior or nude Cena, you're your own crazy idiot and that's okay! Whatever happened to grapes? I thought they were the best thing ever?! STICK TO THE GRAPES MATT
Suicide videos and angel blood and DUIs aren't wrestling-crazy; they're actual-crazy. I just wanted you to take my rallying speech and go slip on a banana peel and make me laugh. But no, all you heard was CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS CAN'T LOSE GO CRAZY VEEE ONEAHHHHHH BE WELL AND UNTIL THEN
A large part of me wishes that Kevin Nash texted himself from his own phone and has actually been at home this whole time, and what we've been seeing on TV every Monday since SummerSlam is the maniacal fantasies inside Kevin Nash's mind as he's at home playing with his wrestling toys on his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa. It'd be like the movie Identity (if anyone saw that and can replace the fat mental patient with Big Daddy Cool Diesel). That would at least explain what's been happening over the past few weeks.
So I know I've been gone for a while, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is how I see Kevin Nash's return to the WWE thus far:
- Returns at Royal Rumble, doesn't pull anything, takes that as a sign to make a full comeback
- Thinks about it for half a year (presumably in his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa)
- Texts himself "omg cm punk wtf you're dead lol"
- "Sticks" CM Punk (his hilarious words, not mine)
- Thinks he made wrestling cool again by saying things like "hit the weights" and "get a clue" to CM Punk
- Got into a pretend car accident
- Got spotted by security cameras texting himself (embarrassing)
- Got hired by John Laurinaitis
- Was put into a match against CM Punk by Triple H
- Was replaced in the match against CM Punk by Triple H with Triple H
- Was punched by Triple H and fired by Triple H
- Tried to attack Triple H in the Triple H vs. CM Punk matches at Night of Champions, got sledge'd by Triple H and Triple H pinned CM Punk
- Attacked Triple H at Vengeance
- Attacked Triple H on Raw
- Triple H Triple H Triple H Triple Triple H
- Triple HHHHHHHHHHHHHH Triple HHHHHHH
- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
- HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHH
- HHHHHH Triple H
- HHHHHHHHHHH
- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Soooo... yeah. At least CM Punk remained cool through all of this.
...
But then again, who the fuck would, when Triple H literally replaces the guy you're feuding with with himself so he can beat you, and STILL smash the guy you were feuding with in the face, and then go on to fight the guy you were feuding with while you team with Triple H and you're the one getting pinned in your tag team match holy goddamned what the serious fuck.
WWE SUBTLY STATES IT'S OPINION ON OCCUPY WALL STREET
Hey, I wonder what WWE thinks of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I wonder if they support it, or if think everyone is a big annoying pussy for standing up against oh why would I even finish this thought. I find it completely MIND BLOWING that they would bury their entire roster (save for Triple H who, if you have never seen WWE, is REALLY AWESOME) in favour of making a shitty statement against protesters. If you haven't already, read Razor (of Kick-Out!! Wrestling)'s Fair To Flair article on the subject.
The instant Mark Henry and Big Show hit the canvas and smashed the ring into obliteratitry, the internet smashed itself into obliteratitry by shouting about Brock Lesnar and Big Show already breaking the ring eight years ago. This is a classic case of The Simpsons Already Did It, as told by South Park.
FURTHERMORE, if two people that weigh as much as Brock Lesnar and Big Show combined broke the ring with a superplex, then that ring better fucking explode when Big Show and Mark Henry do the same thing. If anything we should be praising WWE for establishing something eight years ago and following through on it. Ha?
FAIR TO FLAIR QUARTERLY #2
NOW OUT!
I can't do my first post in two months and not mention Fair To Flair. The second issue, which Jason Mann and I previewed a few months ago in this podcast, is now available to order in both physical and digital formats. AND you can also preview the articles that make up the new Quarterly by going here. I, once again, am not a part of this one, but wholeheartedly support it.
FTF has also expanded to include Garcian Smith (hey!). And one day I'll show up there again! Holy crap I've been gone forever.
DAVID OTUNGA GETS NEW GIMMICK
AND A THERMAL COFFEE MUG
This is only important because he is hilarious. BOWTIE
Considering my last post was August 17th, I've missed like 90 hours (barely exaggerating) of WWE TV. And that doesn't even count other promotions, OR things that don't happen on-screen, which means I've missed A LOT. Like Cody Rhodes bringing back the classic Intercontinental Title or ROH's debut TV show or Raw becoming a SuperShow or Smackdown remaining a Normalshow or Super Dragon returning or Teddy Hart inventing a promotion that is exactly like the kind of promotion Teddy Hart would invent or the WWE launching a cable network in like five months or James Storm winning the TNA Title or TNA still being a thing or Jim Ross being humiliated (hey another thing the Simpsons WWE already did) or John Morrison almost certainly tweeting about his plan to masturbate or Evil Sin Cara or Camo Big Show or Rise Above Hate Anti-Bully Bully John Cena or Wax Undertaker or Chocolate Kane or Cyborg Alex Riley okay I'm making some of these up but I missed SO MANY THINGS. SO MANY.
Hello anyone who has stuck with me despite my sporadic, lengthy and unexplained disappearances. If you continue to read my blog (or Tumblr or Twitter or anything I do on Fair To Flair) even after I abandon it for weeks upon weeks of International super-benders, you are my hero and I thank you. But, I can't promise it won't happen again. I could up and leave at anytime. I'm like your step dad. Unless if you have a step dad that really does leave you all the time. In that case, I'm something less offensive. Because I'd never really leave you! I love you! C'mon, let's go have a catch.
But then after that I gotta go out for smokes (don't wait up). Love you!
SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE
I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING
During my leave of absence (fifth one, if I counted correctly), as per usual, something HUGE happened and I missed it. For once can't nothing happen while I'm gone? Just send Melina out there to make faces for a few hours, no one will notice a difference. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S FIRED?
While I try to accept this tragic loss, let's recap what I missed on my four previous wrestling-less sabbaticals:
SIBG 1: Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler, MOTY at Bragging Rights
SIBG 2: The Miz cashes in, wins WWE Title
SIBG 3: Matt Hardy gets dreadlocks
SIBG 4: WrestleMania XXVII
SIBG 5: The biggest event of the summer, not without controversy or John Cena putting it all out there for the WWE Universe...
SUMMERSLAM 2011 JOHN CENA EXPOSES SELF ON TWITTER
WE CAN ALL SEE YOU NOW EW
Photo - John Cena's outbox of shame
Here's the part where I, a grown-up man (as grown-up as a wrestling fan on the Internet can be), talk about John Cena's penis (which conveniently rhymes; I expect him to use it in one of his rapping songs [he still does rap songs, right?]). Well, not really his penis. More like his penis region.
For those who don't know (and if you don't know, it's probably a testament to your character as a citizen of the world), John Cena tweeted a very sexualized picture of himself (uh, on purpose). It depicts him completely naked in the mirror, with the photo cutting off just before U Can't See his penis.
I'm not going to call this appalling or offensive or whatever, but I will give you my first, immediate thought:
THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.
It literally gave me the "heebie jeebies" (eye cancer).
I just found it so bizarre, ESPECIALLY because it came in a string of tweets where he was answering fans' questions, some of which were asking about a future heel turn. He responded in classic John Cena form by saying, essentially "I am me. I do what I do, and you decide my fate" blah blah blah, where he says he's always the same and it's up to the fans whether they like him or not. Then he tweets a picture of his cock. HE'S GONE FULL HEEL! OR AT LEAST HALF-CHUB HEEL.
The weirdest part about it is how WWE TV and John Cena himself have made a point of letting us know that children love John Cena. Obviously women love Cena too, but it's the children that Cena has literally (literally literally!) defended on television. He's given speeches about how proud he is to be a hero to children and how if kids like him it shouldn't be a detriment to him as a man. This all happened recently. He's a saviour to Little Jimmies everywhere, and maybe he wanted to show us his Little Jimmy I DON'T KNOW. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.
Let me put it this way. Had Shawn Michaels tweeted a picture of his penis region (or say, posed in Playgirl), I would be totally on board, because he is called a Sexy Boy; I know what I'm getting into. But if John Cena tweets a picture of his SuperDick, I might go, "hey, um, what the FUCK?!"
I'm trying to imagine what it would be like if Hulk Hogan or Steve Austin tweeted a sexualized naked picture of themselves to their fans, but my brain won't allow me to ruin all of wrestling for myself, so that's not happening. And it's one thing if it was a picture (like this one, or this one) that was dug up and posted on the internet by rabid fans. This was tweeted straight from the SuperHorse's fingertips.
Very strange and out of character both in and out of character.
While I would love to write several paragraphs about Sheamus vs. Mark Henry or John Cena vs. CM Punk or Kelly Kelly impressing the shit out of everybody, I've already wasted about 90,000 words on John Cena's upper taint. So, instead, I'll point you in the direction of some fantastic reviews of the show, and then you can come back here to read about the most important figures in pro wrestling today, the Ultimate Warrior and Matt Hardy.
I rep Brandon Stroud on this blog just a little bit less than Matt Hardy, but it's still an embarrassing amount. Go read his reviews. Derrick Bateman reads them. Do it for Derrick Bateman. Do it for Chicks and America. Do it for Maxine. That last part is for people who follow NXT, which may or may not include Derrick Bateman or Brandon Stroud or myself even.
In addition to abandoning this blog for several weeks, I also went missing from Fair To Flair. Thankfully, fellow FTF contributor Razor was there to make fun of WWE Cock Rock and Cee Lo Green, as well as give a very positive and fair (to flair) review.
In addition to changing gimmicks at blinding speed, K. Sawyer Paul has also provided the most succinct review of SummerSlam in two clever posts. He's also been taking over the sidebar of Fair To Flair with exactly what he promised - the best wrestling stories on the Internet. I can wholeheartedly say that if The Dirtsheets was a VHS tape of wrestling news, I'd be taping over that shit with Int'l Object even if I wasn't a part of FTF.
He doesn't have an article on SummerSlam, but his thoughts on Twitter are absolutely worth scrolling through. The Masked Man has brought wrestling writing to mainstream sports blogs like Deadspin, as well as Grantland, where he writes about wrestling alongside the likes of Chuck Klosterman and Bill Simmons. He also gives roommate reactions on Twitter, which provides such gems of insight as "He looks like a date rapist (roommate on The Miz)".
EDIT: Grantland just posted The Masked Man's SummerSlam article, Back to Unreality.
SMOKING ASS, OR SOMETHING? I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING ABOUT A GENIUS REAPER.
I think he showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.
You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you.
ROH taped their first show for the Sinclair Broadcasting Group this past weekend. I didn't read spoilers, since I will be able to watch the show on my actual TV (September 24th), which makes me happy. Okay, I did read one spoiler, but it had nothing to do with match outcomes, so that's fine.
Ring Of Honor also announced the first match for Death Before Dishonor IX in New York this September, which will feature Roderick Strong and Eddie Edwards in a "Ringmaster Challenge" match, that has nothing to do with both guys getting managed by Ted DiBiase and wearing white boots. It's a Two Out of Three Falls match where the first fall can only be won by pinfall, the second fall can only be won by submission, and the third fall, if necessary (it'll be necessary), will be a 15 minute Iron Man match. This will be the kind of match for fans with workrate boners, and they're letting you know ahead of time.
PWG's 2011 Battle of Los Angeles is happening this Saturday, with Kevin Steen vs. Fit FUCKING Finlay as the most notable match on the card. I don't think there's anything left to say. This is going to be the realest shit ever forever hyperbole ever.
HULK HOGAN
REGRETS INVESTING IN MEATBALL MACHINE
Thank you dirtsheets for providing me with this headline, and the endless laughter. You will never top this. Never.
Every week I, along with several other wrestling blogs (including my Abe "Knucklebro" Schwartz, TH of The Wrestling Blog), will be sending in my top ten wrestlers to Don Owens of Future Endeavors. My votes are compiled with those of the other bloggers and that gives us the Power Poll. Here's this week's rankings (go to Future Endeavors to view the official write-up) and don't forget to check out the Future Endeavors Podcast.
- IN KAYFABE: Retained the most prestigious tag team belts in all of wrestling, the ROH World Tag Team Titles, at ROH's 9th Anniversary show; let the people know that they've gone everywhere and beaten everybody, except for Puerto Rico; an angry Puerto Rican named Homicide took offence.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Of the two tag team matches on the show, I enjoyed the Kings of Wrestling vs. The All Night Express the most. Haas/Benjamin vs. The Briscoes was great, but the crowd was hanging on every moment (and every word - "HEY!!!"), and ANX brought it like they've never brought it before.
3. Cody Rhodes
- IN KAYFABE: Attacked and unmasked Rey Mysterio with the help of his dad (it's nice when fathers and sons do things together); ...everyone was staring at him.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: He is easily my favourite part of SmackDown. I loved everything he did. I already gushed about this in my SmackDown review, so I won't go on and on about it. But I will brush my hair like this everyday from now on.
4. Triple H
- IN KAYFABE: Said if he can't kill the Undertaker, he'll die trying; apparently wants the nickname "The Last Outlaw" too, because THE DESTROYER never really stuck (only with me); kicked an Irishman in the balls; cried.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: I was maybe the one person on the internet who liked Triple H's promo on Monday. It didn't really connect with live crowd, he "buried" the entire roster, and then proceeded to dispose of Sheamus a DX glowstick. But there was some weird emotional thing going on too. I like it when Triple H cries, or at least when he makes those strange guttural noises when he's mad at Randy Orton.
5. Christopher Daniels
6. Eddie Edwards
- IN KAYFABE: These two had an awesome 2/3 Falls match for the TV Title at ROH's 9th Anniversary Show.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: The match included a top rope hurricanrana from Edwards to Daniels that somehow busted the top of Daniels' head open. Don't know if it was a blade. Don't know how it happened. Don't know if it's a work or a shoot. I love Ring of Honor.
7. Roderick Strong
- IN KAYFABE: Retained his ROH World Championship in an impromptu Barrios Street Fight against Homicide.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Remains the guy that you forget is awesome, even though he's the World Champion. He's also a guy that gets picked on way too much by internet fans. I'm always in awe of his actual athletic ability, and how he seemingly never gets tired.
8. Jack Swagger
- IN KAYFABE: Was named Michael Cole's trainer for the Cole/Lawler WrestleMania match; put Jerry Lawler in the ankle lock; made short work of an already injured Kofi Kingston on SmackDown.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: I know this happened this week on SmackDown. But. This.
9. Kenny King
10. Rhett Titus
- IN KAYFABE: Fell short in their quest for the ROH World Tag Team Titles.
- OUT OF KAYFABE: Kenny King landed a never-before-attempted Shooting Star Press in a true OMFG moment. Even though they rapped their promo in the VideoWire, they've been stepping it up quite a bit lately in the ring. Between their match with Cole and O'Reilly at Final Battle and now this match with the Kings of Wrestling, the All Night Express of elevated themselves big time in my eyes.
Well it looks like my efforts to get ROH into the Power Poll didn't pan out so well. Maybe this week we can at least get Colt Cabana in there for winning the NWA World Heavyweight Title. Yes, this is me campaigning for votes.
In case you haven't been obsessing over pro wrestling internet feuds instead of things that actually matter like I have, let me get you up to speed.
Shane Helms had this to say about Shawn Michaels. It's a lot to read, but essentially what I gather from it is that Helms is mad at HBK for being a bad Christian and for not being his fwend :( . Shawn Michaels had nothing to say in response, probably because he doesn't give a fuck what The Hurricane says. Especially when every other word is a swear. Wassup wit dat?!
Also, I love when people say things like, "I was this close to beating him up." What the fuck does that even mean? Anybody could say that. "I was this close to beating him up and embarrassing him in front of all of his friends and throwing him off a building and into traffic and lighting him on fire!!!"
Anyway, Helms just comes off as a guy who wished he could be best buds with Shawn Michaels, but Shawn didn't want to be his friend because ew, it's Shane Helms. So Helms talks about how close he was to beating Shawn up, but when asked what Shawn did to make him so mad, Helms says he wants to save it for his "shoot interview DVD," which means he didn't do anything and Shane Helms is just being ridiculous.
Then, enter Val Venis:
And, never to be outdone on YouTube, Matt Hardy's response:
In case you're too lazy to watch ten minutes of wrestlers calling each other names, here's what happened. Sean Morley called Matt Hardy talentless, and made fun of him for being such a weirdo on the internet. Matt Hardy, then did the unthinkable, and essentially TATTLED ON VAL VENIS.
Matt's video opens up on an email from a promoter that knows both Morley and Matt, with Matt saying he's going to expose the fraud that is Sean Morley. The email has texts from Morley to the promoter that are typed out verbatim. They say that Morley has no real heat with Matt, but that he just likes messing with his fans, and he's potentially building to an angle they can do on the indies someday. Morley also says that the promoter can tell Matt, but not anyone else, and if Matt or Shane find out, they should bury him in every way to keep this thing alive.
Matt Hardy then seemingly ignores that and takes it all to heart, and starts talking about how great his life is and he has a million dollar house and could retire right now if he wanted to and his life is great guys just like he says in every single tweet he does so how could his life be bad if he keeps saying how great it is it's fine it's sweet my life rules you guys IT'S GREAT MY LIFE IS GREEAAAAAAAAT
I don't understand what's happening here.
Val Venis: "Matt Hardy is talentless and trampoline wrestling is lame! (psst, hey Matt - go with it! It's an angle!)"
Matt Hardy: "I WAS IN WWE FOR 12 YEARS AND MY HOUSE IS SWEET SO FUCK YOU"
Val Venis: "..."
Anyway, these internet feuds aren't doing it for me. Someone call me when they get to DIE SLOW MOTHERFUCKER proportions.
