06/20/11 RAW REVIEW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE (KIND OF, NOT REALLY)

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that focuses on writing and podcasts and only a third of the spyware you'll find at the leading pro wrestling websites. I'm a regular contributor at FTF (Raw reviews, like this one), along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Kenny Bromega TH of The Wrestling Blog).

You should check Fair To Flair out, if you haven't already. Razor just uploaded a podcast with Jeff Katz, TH named Sheamus vs. Christian as the Match of the Week, Jason has a podcast going up tomorrow where he speaks with Graham Cawthon of The History of the WWE and K. Sawyer Paul put together the frigging first Quarterly, which you can and should (but don't let me tell you what to do) buy here.

Now onto the thing that you probably have already read at Fair To Flair, but I'm posting here for no reason other than to link you to this video of Matt Hardy giving his thoughts on fire.

Holy fuck no one can make me laugh like Matt Haarrddyy HOOOOOOOO

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

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Photo - WWE.com, Edit - Black-Nata

#SUMMEROFPUNK

If you came here to find any tips on what CM Punk is doing after July 17th, I have nothing to offer in terms of speculation or opinions on what he will do next, but please keep reading wait where are you going NO STOP!

Just stay with me for a second. I’m going to talk about something completely different, because everything about this is awesome, except for the possibility that, y’know, Punk will be gone forever, and I’ll spend the rest of my days doing snow angels in my backyard and the tears will be endless like my UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU PUNK AHGAH (crying noise).

Ahem.

Aside from that, this is incredible. It’s the exact kind of thing that you couldn’t explain to someone who doesn’t watch wrestling. On Sunday, my non-wrestling-watching friend popped SO HARD for R-Truth getting blasted with water from Little Jimmy (as played by some kid who may or may not have also had the name Jimmy). It was great, but it was also very clear that this kid was a plant, to a wrestling fan at least. Not so much to my friend.

But last night, when Punk said that his contract expires July 17th, and he’s leaving with the WWE Title, I would almost guarantee that that angle would blend in with any other storyline that WWE would normally run to a non-wrestling fan. But because it’s based in reality, with the rumours of Punk leaving, it makes it THAT MUCH MORE awesome to those that pay close attention. And that’s why wrestling is awesome.

It’s the constant blend and ever-changing ratio of real to fake and fake to real, and how any combination of both can make for something completely compelling. I love that there’s someone in pro wrestling who is willing to leave clues online for us to speculate over and feel like we’re a part of it more than we actually are. It feeds our fandom. It’s also why, if Punk does indeed leave, I would be devastated (too serious of a word for pro wrestling). Or, rather, I’d be as pissed as Jay Briscoe EATIN’ CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY.

But if he’s doing the Davey Richards thing, and just taking real-life shit and injecting it flawlessly into wrestling and working us all, then I will be one pleased Little Jenny. JIMMY I MEAN.

I said I wouldn’t speculate, but I did, and I can’t help it, because that’s the fun of wrestling sometimes (read: that time I thought Sting was fighting Undertaker and got so carried away I thought about Batman fighting Undertaker (don’t judge me)).

I MEASURE MY WRESTLING IN INADVERTENT NOISES

Even though there are some people debating the best way to rate matches, this is the only true way: by how many “UHGHGG!!”s or “HOOOOOOOOO”s or spilled pizza dipping sauces you accumulate throughout the match.

Between the triple threat match (Del Rio’s bridging German suplex and his wild tumble to the outside, Rey’s bizarre-but-awesome top rope Link roll that transitioned into a suicide dive onto ADR, Punk applying Samoa Joe’s “just walk away” defense tactic, etc.) and Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes (AmDrag’s snap suplex onto the ramp, big dive, dropkick, everything he does because I’m gay for him) I was scaring my neighbours with whatever weird noises were coming out of my mouth against my own will.

Even Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler was fun, and featured Michael Cole making two completely non-sensical calls: “That gives new meaning to surviving by your fingertips!” — mainly because that’s not a phrase in the first place. He also described sitting at ringside as a “bird’s eye view,” because I guess birds also can flutter at about eye level if they want to.

THE UNBALANCED TRUTH

If R-Truth can make me laugh just by shouting the word JIMMY, am I the crazy one?

Even if the wrestling isn’t that great, the story is hilarious. R-Truth created a fictional character in “Little Jimmy” and was thwarted by a real-life little Jimmy at the pay-per-view. He turned heel because he drank water and then it turns out water got him back in the end! It’s such weird and specific comeuppance.

And Christian, while I did like the back and forth (and back and forth and back and forth) between him, Truth and The Miz, is not taking the ball and running with this heel turn. He’s kind of just taking the ball and holding it. Maybe he’s stuffing it under his new ugly T-shirt and making himself look pregnant.

I just hate where this has gone. Does Christian hating the fans make sense to you? Shouldn’t he just hate Teddy Long? If my boss was a complete and unfair DICK to me at my work, would I be like “man my boss is such a DICK, and so are the people of Madison, Wisconsin, or wherever… everywhere really! UGH I HATE ALL YOU PEOPLE.”

Eventually, I would’ve loved to have seen Christian turn on the fans. But right now it seems like he just rolled the bad guy dice and came up with “you people” on one and “idiots” on the other.

Honourable Mention: At Black Angus, your name is Peaches.

I really had no other reason to include this other than to say that I laughed my genitals off at Vicki “Peaches” Guerrero dancing. And to quote Patton Oswalt.

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

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Photo - WWE.com

POWER TO THE PEOPLE* (POWER MAY NOT ACTUALLY GO TO THE PEOPLE)

You don’t need me to tell you how when you vote for things on a wrestling show, you didn’t really vote. Sure, you sent in a vote and they counted it, but if your choices are “regular match” and “regular match” and “elimination regular match,” did you really vote? Or did you just send data and money into the air?

It’s bad enough when the choices are no fun and Jerry Lawler is showing me how to use a cell phone (I assume the most he gets out of technology is Google Image Searching “puppies” and getting mad when baby dog jpegs show up), but when the voting system doesn’t even end up working, what the hell did we even just watch?

At least Zack Ryder made it on Raw. Being kicked by Evan Bourne. In a video package. CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER, PEOPLE?!

This is exactly what John Lennon was talking about when he wrote that song.

ARM WRESTLING HAS NEVER BEEN FUN

Okay, except for that ONE TIME, but that’s IT. NEVER AGAIN.

I find it FUCKING impossible to believe that each and every one of all you people the WWE Universe would choose the grand spectacle that is an Arm Wrestling Match over a Body Slam Challenge or Caber Toss or whatever else was offered. Booker T — who is now on Twitter — predicted tweet:

“You know what that is right there when it comes to Booker T on Twitter right there is that Booker T has Twitter and I think when it comes to that right there maaan I DON’T EVEN KNOW”

— did try and hype it up (“This is gone be good right here guys” - something no one has ever said about arm wrestling), but I don’t want to see Kane and Mark Henry wrestle regular style, let alone limb-specific.

What I do want to see, is Mark Henry vs. household items, followed by Mark Henry shouting about punishment to no one in particular.

As for Kane, I’ve come to accept that he can do anything. Let me clarify that. As a character, you can never argue that he is acting “out of character” because his character is a fucking sociopath. It doesn’t matter what he does, logic does not apply.

For example, a crazy person would most certainly torture people and set people on fire, yes. But a crazy person may also play an air trombone from time to time. Or develop a fondness for his Giant friend. Or know the ins and outs of extracting revenge, like when he pulled Big Show off of Ricardo Rodriguez, because if he got suspended, he wouldn’t ever get his hands on Alberto Del Rio. A crazy person may also be seriously concerned with the proper grip of an arm-wrestling contest.

Anything he does can be explained by the rationale that he is a certified crazy person. Sometimes he cares for his brother, sometimes he puts his brother in a vegetative state and then goes on a manhunt for himself. He. Is. CRAZY.

This segment was boring with a capital punishment, but at least it gave us this woman’s face.

MASON RYAN WRESTLES IN DEFIANCE OF TECHNOLOGY

“It just goes to prove power to the people” - Kelly Kelly.

Yes it does. Wait, what? Kelly, that doesn’t make any sen— never mind.

What I’m trying to say, with Kelly Kelly’s sentence fragment as a reference, is that we can blame her runoff votes for Mason Ryan’s big orange win over Evan Bourne. He is the most orange. He also somehow managed to look kind of bad in beating Evan Bourne, a feat no one has yet to accomplish. Because Evan Bourne’s primary biological function is to collapse into his own body in order make big muscly white and orange Irish and Welsh men look like slobbery beasts.

Mason, while I’m sure you’re a nice fellow (or at the very least a prime candidate for the Bachelor Pad Season 2), please either go away or become Fake Dave Batista as managed by Ted DiBiase and get investigated in a comedy skit by whoever the 2011 equivalent of Leslie Nielsen is.

Honourable Mention: The Anonymous Raw GM is Senor Chang.

I can’t find a free video to link you to, but if you watch Community then you know what I mean. If you don’t, then let’s talk about how at the end of Raw, John Cena totally duckfaced that iPhone pic with the troops.

Edited by Jason Mann

03/07/11 RAW REVIEW: G RATED FILTH (AND STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD)

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a real dragonzord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Jason edited this jumbled mess of links and swear words, so kudos to him. On with the show.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

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Photo - WWE.com

AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN (AND JBL) AUSTIN

I love wrestling. I wish I could storm into any meeting where someone is signing a contract, beat the crap out of everyone in the room and sign my name on the dotted line — as if that would ever be legally binding in any way — and then go long for some flying beers on the way out.

Michael Cole, on a regular day, is a giant douche. But when it’s time for him to get in the ring and gloat about something, or trick you into thinking Stone Cold Steve Austin is his guest referee, or slam the entire state you’re from, or SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, he is such a COCK. That is the most eloquent way I can put it, because it can’t be put any other way. Add in JBL, who plays such a perfect, long-winded bastard (and he delivered one of my favourite anti-hometown heel promos maybe I’ve ever seen, as it seemed so effortless and completely not forced at all), and you have me foaming at the mouth for a Stone Cold Stunner OH WAIT HERE HE COMES STONE COLD STONE COLD WJLHK

But the stand-out, hands-down, bottom line (because I said so) best part about this entire segment was Michael Cole’s pathetic, hoarse, begging and pleading into the headset for Austin not to sign the contract. In fact it was so good, I’m going to re-watch it right now (edit: I watched it and yes, it was still so good).

This segment was hard to even write about because I liked it so much, and prefer it as something I get giddy watching on the couch by myself like the cool guy I am.

JOHN CENA = GOOFY, BUT RIGHT. THE MIZ = VERY SERIOUS, AND ALSO RIGHT.

No matter how silly and prop-based and titantron-aided John Cena’s rap was, his main point can’t be argued. This has always been about John Cena calling The Rock out for leaving the business he claims he loves. Even if Cena’s response on Monday was riddled with G-rated filth, The Rock cut a taped promo from his house about how he loves the WWE after saying he is “never, ever going away.” And no matter how much I didn’t believe that when he said it, it’s still cannon fodder for Cena (when he’s not talking about ejaculating on people).

Speaking of Cena - hey John, here’s jizz mud in your eye! Because you sure looked dumb getting beatdown by The Miz to close Raw. There’s nothing like watching you bring a pearl necklace, a photoshopped picture and a homemade T-shirt to the ring to help illustrate all of the different ways you want semen and poop and The Rock to all interact, and then get clobbered by the guy you’re actually wrestling at WrestleMania.

This really sold the fact that The Miz has been an afterthought in this Rock/Cena business, and he’s the WWE Champion going in to WrestleMania. And while the Rock did bring it “via satellite,” The Miz just plain brought it in the form of beating up his opponent. Well done.

NO, I NEVER THOUGHT DOLPH ZIGGLER WAS FIRED FOR REAL EITHER

But I sure am glad to have him back blinding and maiming John Morrison in various ways. Poor JoMo. He didn’t make it on TV last week, and this week he gets poked in the eye and kicked in the leg — something that seems to happen to him pretty often.

Dolph Ziggler is the man. He lives his gimmick, and I’ve mentioned before that he’s my favourite guy to watch fall down on purpose (or “take a bump” for those of you in the know! Also, I think “heel” means “bully”). I’m happy to see that he has a shot to be a part of WrestleMania in a non-19-man Money In The Bank kinda way.

Honourable Mention: Seeing those we didn’t expect to see.

Sin Cara. Christian. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Sunny. Kevin Kelly. I like surprises. And I’m not one of those people who complains about the brand split not being honoured or whatever. I think those people just like pointing out they know things. Well, I know things too. For example, WWE has had more people attend their shows yearly than the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals, and my birthday combined.

BONUS HONOURABLE MENTION: The music.

First, Johnny Cash sings Undertaker’s new theme song (check out a fine discussion about that here). And then last night, the Bobby Hebb song “Sunny” was used in Sunny’s Hall of Fame induction video. This song has been done by everyone, from Dusty Springfield to Marvin Gaye to Nick Cave. I love when WWE uses music that isn’t done by a band called Wretch Machine or Killbang or whatever other shitty band no one’s heard of until they do the Official Theme Song for WWE Fatal 4-Way.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

CAN SHEAMUS PLEASE FIND A NICE MIDDLE GROUND?

If he’s not getting kicked in the balls and Pedigree’d so hard that he’s both literally and figuratively buried, he’s tweaking his ankle in a losing effort against Daniel Bryan and still somehow getting a U.S. Title shot next week (which he’ll win). I have a friend who will set his dick on fire if Snooki counts that pinfall. Is that what you want, WWE? It’s not my fault I have irrational friends, but it is your fault that you’re making Sheamus like a helpless dope who can’t defend himself. And now you’re bringing the best wrestler in the world into this. And maybe Snooki. But that’s entirely made up on my account. So that’s my fault. But the other stuff —not my fault.

G-RATED FILTH

Whenever John Cena makes a joke using words that are clean for PG television, but the meanings are not, this is all I can think of:

“Every time I do a TV show, um, and I have a line like that, the producers never say to me ‘DON’T SAY THAT.’ Because I wouldn’t say it, I know you couldn’t say that on TV. They always say ‘could you think of a cute G-rated way to say that so we can broadcast it?’ There’s nothing more offensive and disturbing to me than G-rated filth. Like, what is worse: ‘I wanna fuck your wet pussy’ or ‘I’m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!’ Which, right there, that’s totally G-rated. You can say that on TV. It’s fucking horrifying. That’s what you say to a girl you have in a pit in the bottom of your basement as you’re lowering stuff in a basket. ‘When Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints!’ All right, again, all that was totally fucking G-rated.” - Patton Oswalt on G-rated filth

MASON RYAN AND DAVID OTUNGA

I wish someone would make Mason Ryan a trolley or something so we never have to watch him twinkle-toe spring to the ring again. Thankfully, Randy Orton has taken care of David Otunga’s lip-biting by bouncing his brain of the inside of his skull with a punt to the head.

I just can’t take these two guys seriously. They both look like cartoon muscle men they’re so jacked, but somehow I look at them and think they couldn’t harm a fly. I’m just happy that CM Punk will get to stand on his own at WrestleMania (or at the very least, just with Mason Ryan) and not be brought down by these orange (green?) dum dums any longer.

Honourable Mention: I’ll never get a CM Punk/Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, will I?

It’s all I want you guys. All I want.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Footnotes of Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

02/07/11 RAW REVIEW: RYAN VS. TRUTH l

Here's what I thought of the RAW that emanated from somewhere in Wisconsin.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

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Photo - WWE.com

REAL THINGS!

It's the real things that make wrestling exciting. Do you think that opening segment would've been anywhere near as exciting had Punk not been busted open? When something happens that isn't supposed to, my ears perk up like a startled deer. Even when R-Truth forgot where he was (pretty mawnin' time?) and everyone made fun of him for the rest of the show, it made the entire night more entertaining. If these two things didn't happen, I feel like I would've been bored out of my skoll (that's me saying "skull" the way Randy Orton says it).

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. SANTINO MARELLA

Two of my favourite guys wrestling over a really simple conflict from the Royal Rumble. There was nothing not to like about this. Also, Santino has somehow made it impossible for himself to not be over. He can be a total punchline and lose every match, but since that's his character, the crowd doesn't seem to care. Also, after a night of three Nexus matches, I accidentally cheered out loud when Del Rio came out, because he is, y'know, not completely boring.

BRYAN/LAWLER VS. MIZ/DIBIASE

I also liked how they set this match up with The King and The Miz going back and forth, but not as much as I liked the actual match. I also liked not having to see the Bellas (who are heel now so they do their sexy hip sway taunt with a MEAN FACE) when I see Daniel Bryan. Turns out that he can be exciting without the distraction of two skanks going "c'moon Dan-yullll... c'mon Dan-yull.." in weird unison.

Honourable Mention: Continuity. Mentioning Orton and Punk's past was a nice touch. But I also feel like rewarding WWE for remembering something they did and followed up on is dumb. It's like when people applaud when your plane lands.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

MASON RYAN VS. R-TRUTH VS. MILWAUKEE

To be totally honest, when I started watching last night, I was wasn't planning on writing about the show. I just felt like watching it. Then this happened, and I swear to God, it played out like one of those old Wrestling Observer recaps of WCW Nitro 2000. Allow me to take a stab at it:

"Mason Ryan is in the ring and Michael Cole throws to a video of himself explaining why all the New Nexus members are in singles matches against the participants of the Elimination Chamber match. R-Truth is Ryan's opponent and he comes out and says "GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - WHAT'S UP?!" and they're in Milwaukee. The crowd boos. Michael Cole starts burying R-Truth for getting the name wrong. R-Truth goes for the leapfrog off the corner to hop over Ryan, but he doesn't get all the way up and they just kind of collide. The crowd starts chanting "Milwaukee." After they die down, Michael Cole tries to get it started again by standing up and turning around and chanting it to no avail. Mason Ryan body slams R-Truth into the ropes three times. Ryan awkwardly applies the Brock Lock and wins. He then goes to get a chair, but the referee stops him and takes the chair away and throws it away twice with literally no struggle. Mason Ryan is like two Batista's stuffed into one body, and he had that chair snatched away from him twice by a scrawny ref. He goes in the ring and puts on that awkward Brock Lock again, and makes it more awkward by standing up with R-Truth dangling off of him, and doing almost a pelvic thrust type maneuver. The referee disqualifies Ryan after he already won and now R-Truth wins."

VINCE MCMAHON'S ANNOUNCEMENT

This was underwhelming in like ten ways. This was Vince's return to non-dream-sequence television for the first time in forever. And his announcement was an announcement... for an announcement! But, he gave us a hint. Since that guest host concept was so successful (read: not successful at all), we're getting one for WrestleMania. The live crowd was not too psyched about this, but who would be if a guy came out, essentially put down the Super Bowl (which your team just won), and announced that we'll get some sweet news next week. I couldn't believe that Vince looked surprised when people didn't go crazy for this. You'd think he'd have experience with making announcements since HE'S VINCE MCMAHON. I'm pretty sure he invented announcements (he didn't but I love hyperbole so much I want to marry it and tattoo it on my face forever infinity!!!!).

JOHN CENA

I can't even fully come up with a reason why. Maybe I was in a crabby mood. I just kind of felt my eyes glaze over when he did his "city of Milwaukee" promo. I don't think it's unreasonable to be a wrestling fan who writes about wrestling on the internet and not like it when John Cena leads an audience in a football cheer, punches CM Punk in the penis and beats everybody up with a steel chair.

Honourable Mention: The commentary. This has been said so many times it's barely worth mentioning. But sometimes I have one of those moments when I'm watching six women throwing themselves around the ring while Michael Cole is shouting about nothing and I wonder why the WWE think this is the best way to do it. Side note: if you watch Superstars after watching months of RAW and Michael Cole's infuriating, irrelevant commentary, your ears get this unmistakeable good feeling in them. It's because on Superstars, it's two jobbers (I mean this in the nicest way, as you'll see) wrestling each other, and because John Cena and The Miz aren't on this show, the announcers have no choice but to talk about the match. And because the two jobbers have no real storyline, they have no choice but to talk about the match. It's amazing to see WWE wrestling matches called as if they're just wrestling matches and nothing else. Watch this show and see what I mean.

The end!

01/17/11 RAW REVIEW: "ANYONE CAN KISS THE PRETTY ONES"

But can just anyone FUCK the "ugly" ones (hint: no, only complete sluts like the Bellas can)?! Well, beloved reader, that's exactly what we're asked to watch and find out every week on RAW now! Because the Bella Twins have started a perverted bet to see who can devirginize the American Dragon. The winner gets... I don't know, a baby? Condoms are for sinners, remember that kids.

01/17/11 RAW REVIEW

LIKE: PUNK VS. CENA

DISLIKE: CENA'S POOP JOKES

Photo - WWE.com

I still don't fully understand why they're doing this (no one should, except for maybe the giggling USA execs who apparently spearheaded this thing - "tee hee, he's a virgin!"). I just don't want him to be stuck with this virgin moniker forever like he's Rhett fucking Titus (who I like, but probably shouldn't be the WWE United States Champion in 2011). And why do an angle where two pervy twins try and be the first one to get fucked by a virgin when it's PG?! JOHN CENA SAID IT HIMSELF IT'S PG. It's so goddamn awkward. I feel like this is all going to end in an uncomfortable hotel room vignette where Bryan is the Dean Malenko in a bathrobe and Nikki and Brie are the Lita in the high-waisted thongs.

Anyway, I guess the only good thing (and I stress, the only good thing) that we can take from this newly launched angle is that there is an end in sight. At some point, this hopeless angle has to come to an end one way or another. Let's just all pray to the wrestling gods that it doesn't end with the Daniel Bryan character neutered for good (which, in all likelihood, it will).

So let's all just wipe this angle from our memory and try and focus on the good wrestling that this show had. It also had a Divas match.

LIKE

CM Punk VS. John Cena - Right before the match started, my girlfriend (who doesn't watch wrestling, but is up on a few current feuds since all I do is watch talk about write about wrestling all day every day forever and ever) said, "shouldn't they save this until later?" - implying, very profoundly for someone who has never watched wrestling before we started dating, that people would be more willing to pay for/excited to see this match had they built to it a while from now. That's my girl.

But, you can't take away the fact that they put on a stellar TV match that put both guys over as being equals. When Punk had Cena in the Anaconda Vice until he reached the ropes, it was sold to the moon that Punk can beat Cena on his own. Likewise, Cena had Punk in control for much of the start of the match, as well as right up until Mason Ryan made his presence known, which I'll get to in a sec.

DISLIKE

John Cena's poop jokes. The show kicked off with a Martin Luther King, Jr. video to celebrate MLK Day in America. Out came John Cena to make poop jokes. I know the two weren't supposed to be connected at all, but given that John Cena is known for preacher-voiced, over-the-top, THIS IS ALL I GOT inspiring promos... to have him come out and just say poop and Jonas Brothers a million times was some bizarre juxtaposition.

Cena himself said "it's PG guys, I'm doing the best I can." But, actually, if it was TV-14 again I believe the poop jokes would just be replaced by gay jokes, so maybe I should quit complaining. At least he came up with a better insult than "CM Sucks" - CM Poke! ...

LIKE

John Morrison VS. Daniel Bryan was a fantastic match, featuring a series of roll-ups and counters that I would've popped for no matter where this match was held - WWE, ROH, Indies, a campsite, wherever. The outcome was pretty obvious given each guy's recent treatment on TV (Morrison = video packages, going over Sheamus like nine times, recent #1 Contender to the WWE Title. Bryan = wrestling on Superstars, "already in the ring" and "joined in progress" matches, currently the focal point of a virgin angle). But it was a great match all around, even if it ended with Sheamus coming out and spitting all over a microphone.

DISLIKE

David Otunga, for a guy with muscles as big as his, is one of the least intimidating people I've ever seen. And I'm almost positive he was about to bust a gut laughing when Punk was grinning at them backstage, right before saying "faith."

THE REST

- There are pros and cons to the brand split spilling over on each show right now. Pro: Dolph Ziggler appears on RAW and SmackDown. Con: R-Truth appears on both RAW and SmackDown.

- After watching the Tag Title match, I'm almost positive that the Cobra is as over as the Viper.

- I fucking hate the referee that did the Orton/Ziggler match. Did anyone else see him grab Dolph's arm and just start bucking to try and get him off Orton in the corner, without even starting a count? He does this all the time. No counting, just getting all up in the wrestlers' faces with a 2002 John Cena-like aggression.

- Melina is the worst.

- Maryse inexplicably yelling at Michael Cole is the best.

- The Battle Royale thing was weird. And made no sense. But you gotta get new clips of guys throwing each other over the top rope for your new Royal Rumble video package somehow!

- Mason Ryan was dubbed as "Fauxtista" by someone on Twitter. Well played, sir. Well played. The segment itself was sweet. The dude will have to do a lot to prove he's not a Matt Morgan Test Jackson Andrews Nathan Joneszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....