WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON WIKIPEDIA: LAUNCHING PADS

Welp, I've done it again. It's three in the morning and my eyeballs are so dry from scouring through Wikipedia that they're scraping the backs of my eyelids. The lengths I go to for professional wrestling. Not even professional wrestling - writing on the internet about professional wrestling. Somewhere my dad is crying.

WOW that got dark fast. Okay, moving on to the post. This one is all about answering this question: what is the most successful way to launch a wrestler's career?

There are a ton of little ways to put your name on the WWE map, but there are only a few things that could be singled out as the one catalyst that sent a wrestler on his way to a World Championship. Such as...

WINNING THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

CURRENT CHAMPION: KOFI KINGSTON

Photo - WWE.com

They've always said that the Intercontinental Title is the belt you win when you're being groomed to be a World Champion. But is it a surefire way to actually become one?

Number of Intercontinental Champions: 66

Number of Intercontinental Champions that have been a WWE World Champion: 23

Success Rate: 34.8%

Believe it or not, out of all of the "launching pads" I looked at... winning the Intercontinental Championship had the lowest success rate. I guess for every Bret Hart and Chris Jericho you had about three Alberts. I was going to use Bob Holly's name in there and make fun of his "Sparky Plugg" gimmick, but I try to avoid making fun of him since he's so fucking crazy. Please don't cover me in fire ants and alcohol Thurman!

BEING THE SOLE SURVIVOR IN A SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH

LAST SOLE SURVIVOR: KOFI KINGSTON

Photo - WWE.com

When Rocky Maivia debuted at the 1996 Survivor Series and was the sole survivor in his match, he was put over so hard that my ten year old self just accepted his future as a World Champion as complete fact. I probably wrote about it in my diary. JOURNAL I MEAN. I was a big loser. Thankfully I grew up into a cool guy who has a wrestling blog with stats and percentages smattered all over it.

Number of Sole Survivors: 22

Number of Sole Survivors that have been a WWE World Champion: 8

Success Rate: 36.3%

If you can overcome the odds and win your match when your team has failed you, you might have a decent shot at becoming WWE Champion some day. But if you could manage be the sole survivor at TWO separate events, then you're literally guaranteed a world title, as every man who has that feat under their belt, has a belt. Randy Orton did it three years in a row for fuck's sake! That was a little overkill. So maybe this is how Bart Gunn could make his big comeback.

So far, the percentages have been a little low. There's gotta be a better way to get yourself on the fast track to the World Title. And there's no faster track than the bearskin rug, right?

JOINING THE KISS MY ASS CLUB

LAST MEMBER: MICK FOLEY

Photo - Life.com

I think there might be a better success rate if we could find out who the members are of the Bearskin Rug Club...

Kiss My Ass Club members: 5

Kiss My Ass Club members that have been a WWE World Champion: 2

Success Rate: 40%

To be fair, Shawn Michaels and Mick Foley had already won their World Titles before joining this esteemed club. And to be fairer, this one was a joke so let's keep moving.

BEING CROWNED KING OF THE RING

REIGNING KING: SHEAMUS

Photo - WWE.com

Now we're getting into the more proven methods. This tournament was at one time a starmaker. Bret Hart, Steve Austin, you name it. Careers get made with that crown. So do royalty based gimmicks. King Harley Race. King Booker. King Sheamus. King Stone Cold Steve Austin.

King of the Ring Winners: 18

King of the Ring Winners that have been a WWE World Champion: 9

Success Rate: 50%

BAM. Now we're talkin'. If you win the King of the Ring tournament and the guy who won it last year still hasn't captured the World Title, you're in luck FELLA. That success rate could even be bumped up by counting Harley Race as a World Champion, but he never won the WWE strap, and he won his World Titles before coming to the WWE. But that doesn't matter in my flawed study here, since I'm just counting World Champs no matter when you won it. Don't judge me.

Now, I think there's a match coming up this month that might take the cake. And I only say cake because I'm watching the Food Network and my wires are crossing.

WINNING THE ROYAL RUMBLE

LAST RUMBLE WINNER: EDGE

Photo - WWE.com

This one should be obvious. Outlasting 29 other top contenders (or, if not top contenders, then fat jobbers that get put over as "who's gonna throw HIM over the top rope?!?") and winning the Rumble automatically puts you in a World Title match, so from there, all you gotta do is win it.

Royal Rumble Winners: 20

Royal Rumble Winners that have been a WWE World Champion: 17

Success Rate: 85%

Crazy high. You have to look all the way back to 1994 to find a Royal Rumble winner who has never won a WWE World Championship, and that was Lex Luger, and he was only half a Rumble winner. But this is still not the most successful World Title "launching pad" for a wrestler...

WINNING THE MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH

LAST WINNER: THE MIZ

Photo - WWE.com

This is the newest and most foolproof way to get a World Championship around your waist, over your shoulder, dangling in your hand, or hooked on your trunks like a floppy codpiece (if you're MNM).

Money in the Bank Winners: 7

Money in the Bank Winners that have been a WWE World Champion: 6

Success Rate: 85.7%

Mr. Kennedy really fucked that one up. So, technically, cashing in a Money in the Bank Briefcase is where it's at. But there's actually an even better method to guaranteeing a World Championship for yourself, and you don't have to go and beat the crap out of yourself in a fifty man ladder match or whatever it is:

BEING STRAIGHT-EDGE

THE ONLY THREE TIME STRAIGHT-EDGE WORLD CHAMPION IN WWE HISTORY: CM PUNK

Photo - WWE.com

Straight-Edge Superstars in the WWE: 1

Three-time Straight-Edge World Champions: 1

Success Rate: 100%

SMACKDOWN! REVIEW - 07/30/10: I CAN'T THWIM

This show was filled with ups and downs and dips and dives.

SMACKDOWN! 07/30/10

LIKE: WRESTLING-FOCUSED

DISLIKE: LIVE MONTAGES

Photo - WWE.com

LIKED

- The actual wrestling! This show had a bizarre balance of fun, solid wrestling mixed with show-ruining plotholes and strange storyline choices. But, the wrestling itself, was really fun. Drew's shoulder-breaker-with-the-steel-steps-as-his-knee was a huge highlight in his match with Christian. Dolph/Kofi was not quite as exciting, at least in the crowd's eyes, but still a good back an forth battle. Rey/Swagger had plenty of brawling through the arena and the powerbomb-into-the-guardrail from Swagger scared some children. Great stuff to watch.

- Kofi Kingston showing he hates Vickie Guerrero as much as we do.

- "Dashing" Cody Rhodes' grooming tips. HOLY HELL. Best thing going anywhere and everywhere. He is SO funny it hurts. I was shocked to hear that some people actually don't like this. But I suppose that's the point. I can't help but love it.

- CM Punk's fourth-quarter football-coach rally-the-troops promo... although I guess it was more "threaten" than rally. Untouchable on the mic, as always.

- Big Show's "I'm a dead bear" face when his fat hand got stomped on. What a drooly freak.

- The Alberto Del Rio videos. Not sure if he totally understands what his new name is. Or maybe his accent is so smooth that I can't understand him.

- Jack Swagger's hop, skip and a jump out of Rey's headscissors to fling himself into the water.

DISLIKED

- Kane's bullshit live montage soliloquy of BULLSHIT. It was agonizing to watch. Anyone seen the South Park where they make fun of wrestling? That was this. And do we really need to turn his promo into a montage as it happens? Aren't we going to have weeks of montages anyway? The music during the promo is so awful. It just slaps you in the face saying THIS IS FAKE LOL.

- Kane's accusation of Rey Mysterio being Undertaker's attacker not being questioned by the announcers AT ALL. He's built a career on being a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH - maybe we shouldn't believe everything that comes out of his goddamn mouth.

- Kofi Kingston getting DQ'd for fighting. He didn't break a count. Didn't use a weapon, give a low blow, hit the ref, ANYTHING. He got disqualified for literally being aggressive. Even if the argument is he didn't take heed of the ref's warning, why would he get a warning? FOR FIGHTING TOO HARD?! "Whoa, hold on Kofi, this is fake, remember? You're disqualified." How can that happen on the same show that Kane promises to KILL a man?! GAH.

- The camera that was waiting for Swagger and Rey as they came out of the arena. Was there any need to have that special extra camera just so we could confirm that this is indeed fake? Why couldn't that initial camera that was following them just keep following them? Why was that camera out there, in kayfabe? Filming... NOTHING!? This show was full of small details that took you out of the show and made you think about how this is fake.

I am hating on this show pretty hard, but when these little things add up and up and up, it gets hard to ignore and takes away from the good stuff, and there was some really good stuff. And it's even more frustrating when this show is normally not filled with this kind of stuff.

I totally get why a lot of these things are done. It's entertainment, and they love telling us that now. Sure, cool, I get it, high five. But can't it be entertainment that doesn't constantly rub it in my face that it's fake? People don't like their TV shows and movies with plot holes and inconsistencies, so why would we like our wrestling, ahem, action-entertainment, that way?

I feel like all of my sentences in this review have ended with a question mark.

WHY THIS SHOULD HAPPEN: KOFI KINGSTON HEEL TURN

I don't know if I've heard anyone suggest this yet. But to me, it makes all kinds of sense.

KOFI KINGSTON

FIND YOUR INNER BADASS

Photo - WWE.com

Kofi blew everyone away with his badass, racecar-demolishing, street-clothes-wearing promo on Randy Orton last year on RAW. It was awesome. The guy we only knew as the dude who came out bouncing and smiling all of a sudden had an attitude and a pair to go along with it.

Since then, aside from the occasional moment in a promo, we have yet to see this Kofi Kingston again. Kofi's been set aside for now, so it seems, to give Randy Orton some breathing room as the resident badass tweenin' babyface. But I want to see the Kofi we saw destroy a Nascar with a crowbar. How can we see that again?

Turn Kofi Kingston heel.

Kofi could run wild with his mean streak, maybe alter his moveset a bit in order to turn those cheers to boos, and maybe we'd see a guy who looked and sounded as tough as he did that one specific time. I really think he could kill it.

Now is the perfect time to do this. Smackdown! is potentially overflowing with midcard and main event faces (Christian, Undertaker, Mysterio, Big Show, Kane, MVP, Matt Hardy) and they could definitely use a fresh new midcard heel to liven things up and add to a pretty solid - yet sparse - heel roster (Ziggler, McIntyre, Punk, Swagger, etc.).

He shouldn't be a cowardly heel. He shouldn't an "evil" heel. He should be the dude who blasted Orton's car with a crowbar and showed no remorse. This dude was a bona fide badass.

All of the greatest faces in wrestling were never truly great until they showed their mean streak to the crowd. The Rock, Randy Orton, John Cena, Shawn Michaels... you could go on and on.

Kofi Kingston needs to turn heel, find his inner badass and take the spotlight he so deserves.

Kofi Kingston turning heel. This should happen.

RAW REVIEW PART TWO: THE 2010 WWE DRAFT

Part One went up late last night, click here if you missed it.

Now, onto the Draft:

TO RAW

LIKED: EDGE

DIDN'T LIKE: JOHN MORRISON

Photo - WWE.com

JOHN MORRISON

I only didn't like this move because it meant that Morrison's win (and rope break kick-out of the Gutwrench Powerbomb) over Swagger will likely not amount to anything. Other than that, I'm all for Morrison on RAW.

R-TRUTH

Truth has got some explosive potential and he could really set RAW ablaze and totally blow-up in a big way. I wouldn't be surprised to see R-Truth on fire in the near future, that is, if his combustable interaction with DiBiase doesn't mean Truth is going to get burned in the long run. KABLAMO!

EDGE

This was awesome for three reasons - his potential swerve right back into heel territory, the apparent upcoming Rated-RKO feud, and with Big Show to Smackdown, no Edge/Big Show feud! AND this was even more awesome for like a half hour, when Edge and Christian were on the same show.

CHRIS JERICHO

I was really hoping for some Jericho/Christian stuff to happen, but with Jericho to RAW and Christian to Smackdown!, that isn't in the cards. And I'm pretty sure Jericho's left RAW "forever" eleventy billion times. Anyway, I'm curious to see where Jericho goes from here, with him and Edge being on the same show. His feuds are always ones I really tune in to watch, so I'm excited to see who he has his sights set on next.

TO SMACKDOWN!

LIKED: KOFI KINGSTON

DIDN'T LIKE: BIG SHOW

Photo - WWE.com

KELLY KELLY

I'm very curious to see what happens with Kelly, mainly because she's never really had a main Divas' program ever since she started wrestling, as far as I can remember (feel free to correct me). I think it'll be cool to see how she fits in on Smackdown! potentially being the one to take Mickie James' place.

BIG SHOW

I just really liked ShoMiz. And JeriShow. And everything he did that wasn't his singles run with Vickie Guerrero on Smackdown! last year. C'mon now. Big Show belongs as one half of a heel tag team. Let's just keep doing that. Please? Have him find a guy on Smackdown! Like Ziggler. ShoZig! Or Drew McIntyre! McShow! Please. Anything. Just not goofy Big Show who hugs Teddy Long who then dances for no reason.

KOFI KINGSTON

Kofi was floating around aimlessly even since getting definitively beat by Randy Orton 140,000 times. He needs new life. And going to Smackdown! should help. And I have another idea, that I'll write about instantly after this post.

CHRISTIAN

I love this pick! It's perfect. Except Edge is no longer on Smackdown, so FRIG. I get scared. Like a lot. Like wake up in the middle of the night after mumbling "dork chops... chumpstain... sodas rule..." in my sleep, thinking that the WWE are going to wait and wait and wait until the perfect time to pull the trigger on an Edge/Christian feud or team-up, and something is going to happen where we don't get it. All it takes is one little fuck-up and Edge could get hurt or retire, I swears it. I just want this so badly. These two dudes are my heros. I love that they have the patience to wait so long for this (hi TNA), but I can't wait any longer. Let's see this this year! Somehow.

I don't know about you guys, but part of me likes the uncertainty that follows WrestleMania each year. More specifically, I love the second half of that uncertainty (first half being the build to the first PPV after WM, where not much is done since the Draft is coming up, and the second half being each show starting to figure out where everyone fits in their new rosters).

Hopefully we see some SES/Hart Dynasty tag title stuff, some Christian/Swagger World Title stuff, and some Orton/Edge stuff all coming soon.