03/07/11 RAW REVIEW: G RATED FILTH (AND STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD)

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a real dragonzord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Jason edited this jumbled mess of links and swear words, so kudos to him. On with the show.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN (AND JBL) AUSTIN

I love wrestling. I wish I could storm into any meeting where someone is signing a contract, beat the crap out of everyone in the room and sign my name on the dotted line — as if that would ever be legally binding in any way — and then go long for some flying beers on the way out.

Michael Cole, on a regular day, is a giant douche. But when it’s time for him to get in the ring and gloat about something, or trick you into thinking Stone Cold Steve Austin is his guest referee, or slam the entire state you’re from, or SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, he is such a COCK. That is the most eloquent way I can put it, because it can’t be put any other way. Add in JBL, who plays such a perfect, long-winded bastard (and he delivered one of my favourite anti-hometown heel promos maybe I’ve ever seen, as it seemed so effortless and completely not forced at all), and you have me foaming at the mouth for a Stone Cold Stunner OH WAIT HERE HE COMES STONE COLD STONE COLD WJLHK

But the stand-out, hands-down, bottom line (because I said so) best part about this entire segment was Michael Cole’s pathetic, hoarse, begging and pleading into the headset for Austin not to sign the contract. In fact it was so good, I’m going to re-watch it right now (edit: I watched it and yes, it was still so good).

This segment was hard to even write about because I liked it so much, and prefer it as something I get giddy watching on the couch by myself like the cool guy I am.

JOHN CENA = GOOFY, BUT RIGHT. THE MIZ = VERY SERIOUS, AND ALSO RIGHT.

No matter how silly and prop-based and titantron-aided John Cena’s rap was, his main point can’t be argued. This has always been about John Cena calling The Rock out for leaving the business he claims he loves. Even if Cena’s response on Monday was riddled with G-rated filth, The Rock cut a taped promo from his house about how he loves the WWE after saying he is “never, ever going away.” And no matter how much I didn’t believe that when he said it, it’s still cannon fodder for Cena (when he’s not talking about ejaculating on people).

Speaking of Cena - hey John, here’s jizz mud in your eye! Because you sure looked dumb getting beatdown by The Miz to close Raw. There’s nothing like watching you bring a pearl necklace, a photoshopped picture and a homemade T-shirt to the ring to help illustrate all of the different ways you want semen and poop and The Rock to all interact, and then get clobbered by the guy you’re actually wrestling at WrestleMania.

This really sold the fact that The Miz has been an afterthought in this Rock/Cena business, and he’s the WWE Champion going in to WrestleMania. And while the Rock did bring it “via satellite,” The Miz just plain brought it in the form of beating up his opponent. Well done.

NO, I NEVER THOUGHT DOLPH ZIGGLER WAS FIRED FOR REAL EITHER

But I sure am glad to have him back blinding and maiming John Morrison in various ways. Poor JoMo. He didn’t make it on TV last week, and this week he gets poked in the eye and kicked in the leg — something that seems to happen to him pretty often.

Dolph Ziggler is the man. He lives his gimmick, and I’ve mentioned before that he’s my favourite guy to watch fall down on purpose (or “take a bump” for those of you in the know! Also, I think “heel” means “bully”). I’m happy to see that he has a shot to be a part of WrestleMania in a non-19-man Money In The Bank kinda way.

Honourable Mention: Seeing those we didn’t expect to see.

Sin Cara. Christian. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Sunny. Kevin Kelly. I like surprises. And I’m not one of those people who complains about the brand split not being honoured or whatever. I think those people just like pointing out they know things. Well, I know things too. For example, WWE has had more people attend their shows yearly than the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals, and my birthday combined.

BONUS HONOURABLE MENTION: The music.

First, Johnny Cash sings Undertaker’s new theme song (check out a fine discussion about that here). And then last night, the Bobby Hebb song “Sunny” was used in Sunny’s Hall of Fame induction video. This song has been done by everyone, from Dusty Springfield to Marvin Gaye to Nick Cave. I love when WWE uses music that isn’t done by a band called Wretch Machine or Killbang or whatever other shitty band no one’s heard of until they do the Official Theme Song for WWE Fatal 4-Way.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

CAN SHEAMUS PLEASE FIND A NICE MIDDLE GROUND?

If he’s not getting kicked in the balls and Pedigree’d so hard that he’s both literally and figuratively buried, he’s tweaking his ankle in a losing effort against Daniel Bryan and still somehow getting a U.S. Title shot next week (which he’ll win). I have a friend who will set his dick on fire if Snooki counts that pinfall. Is that what you want, WWE? It’s not my fault I have irrational friends, but it is your fault that you’re making Sheamus like a helpless dope who can’t defend himself. And now you’re bringing the best wrestler in the world into this. And maybe Snooki. But that’s entirely made up on my account. So that’s my fault. But the other stuff —not my fault.

G-RATED FILTH

Whenever John Cena makes a joke using words that are clean for PG television, but the meanings are not, this is all I can think of:

“Every time I do a TV show, um, and I have a line like that, the producers never say to me ‘DON’T SAY THAT.’ Because I wouldn’t say it, I know you couldn’t say that on TV. They always say ‘could you think of a cute G-rated way to say that so we can broadcast it?’ There’s nothing more offensive and disturbing to me than G-rated filth. Like, what is worse: ‘I wanna fuck your wet pussy’ or ‘I’m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!’ Which, right there, that’s totally G-rated. You can say that on TV. It’s fucking horrifying. That’s what you say to a girl you have in a pit in the bottom of your basement as you’re lowering stuff in a basket. ‘When Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints!’ All right, again, all that was totally fucking G-rated.” - Patton Oswalt on G-rated filth

MASON RYAN AND DAVID OTUNGA

I wish someone would make Mason Ryan a trolley or something so we never have to watch him twinkle-toe spring to the ring again. Thankfully, Randy Orton has taken care of David Otunga’s lip-biting by bouncing his brain of the inside of his skull with a punt to the head.

I just can’t take these two guys seriously. They both look like cartoon muscle men they’re so jacked, but somehow I look at them and think they couldn’t harm a fly. I’m just happy that CM Punk will get to stand on his own at WrestleMania (or at the very least, just with Mason Ryan) and not be brought down by these orange (green?) dum dums any longer.

Honourable Mention: I’ll never get a CM Punk/Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, will I?

It’s all I want you guys. All I want.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Footnotes of Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

ARE MY ALL OF MY PREMONITIONS COMING TRUE?

Or is that the actual definition of premonition? What is the definition of premonition? I need to stop rhyming because this is turning into a Savage Garden song. I'm too lazy to look it up, but let me just continue on as if I know what the word means.

Just today, WWE.com announced that famous troll woman Snooki will be hosting RAW next week. Naturally, everybody complained and then everybody else told them to calm down. But let's talk about the most important part - how I predicted this trend almost a year ago.

I proposed an idea for a wrestling character based on a Jersey Shore "dancing asshole." It wasn't long until Robbie E debuted in TNA, J-WOWW and Angelina started appearing on Impact, and now Snooki is hosting RAW. I'm a fucking genius!

And tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin is hosting RAW. It was almost exactly a year ago to the day when Austin last hosted RAW, and I had prayed for a CM Punk/Stone Cole showdown of some kind. It didn't end up happening. But earlier today, Punk had this to say on Twitter:

TWO FOR TWO.

Even my girlfriend is in on this premonition business. I should warn you that I'm about to both spoil the movie Hall Pass (uh, a small part of it), and talk about penises. This is your chance to stop reading. Or continue reading if you enjoy Owen Wilson and male genitalia.

...

Looks like you're a fan! Okay, so the other night, my girlfriend had a really weird dream. She dreamt that she was at a party, walked into the bathroom, and saw two people, both African American (it's important to the story, I swear!) one male, one female, naked in the tub, with the guy just awkwardly rubbing his penis on the girl's face. Yep. You know that now. You can't not know that now.

So then later that night we went and saw Hall Pass. There is a scene when Owen Wilson is in a jacuzzi at a gym, falls asleep, and gets rescued by a big naked black man, and Owen's head gets nuzzled right up near his giant penis.

Tub. Big black penis. Right by the face. PREMONITION.

Did you need to know this? Certainly not. But we were freaking out in the theatre, and I felt the need to share it with you.

Please still come to my blog.

The end.

AWESOME VINCE MCMAHON & STEVE AUSTIN ANIMATION

My buddy Mike (World Champion of Something) sent this over to me this morning. He's a teacher's assistant, and a student in his animation class made this awesome video. Try and not laugh.

This project gets a grade A... can of whoop ass! Hahaha... hahaha... ha.

THEMED RAWS: DENIM

First, it was themed PPVs. Now, it's themed RAWs.

Some of you may just want to see Old School RAW over and over again, but not me - oh no. I want more from my themed RAW shows. I want an all denim RAW. No dad, I'm not gay.

We all know that two of the biggest stars in the history of wrestling were big on the denim, those of course being Steve Austin and John Cena (who's affinity for denim is unparalleled seeing as he only has one outfit for everything he does). But this themed RAW would see the return of all your favourite denim-clad Superstars. And it would have to be three hours to fit in all of the leather fanny packs that accompany the denim.

This post was supposed to culminate in a picture of the British Bulldog in jeans, jean shirt and leather fanny pack, but no picture seems to exist. I think my memory of this video tricked me into thinking there was a photo somewhere, but there isn't, and that's... BIZARRE!

FLIPPING BETWEEN RAW AND IMPACT: 03/15/10

Trying out something new here. Just a reminder that here in Canada we get RAW on a 15-minute delay. I honestly don't understand why. You'd think with the WWE going PG that there is no real need for such a long time-delay. I really don't think Vince is senile enough to whip out his dink on live TV (yet).

Here's how my night went:

9:00 IMPACT

- If there ever was a modernized take of the clown car, TNA managed to kick their show off with it tonight. Holy fuck. Painty-face Vampiro Hardy, Help Hogan, Rob Van Dam and fat wet Abyss (he is always SO WET. Like all over. Ugh.) all climb out of an orange Hummer. Abyss drove... so is it his Hummer? Or is it Hogan's and Hulk has cataracts so he can't drive? Did Abyss pick everyone up individually? I have so many questions.

- AJ Styles' Nature Boy impression is super hit or miss with me. Ric Flair's Nature Boy impression is even worse (zing?). Seriously though, Ric Flair punched himself in the face until he bled like he'd been scalped, thus scaring my girlfriend and making me hold my face in embarrassment (or some other new kind of emotion that science can't explain). His "I hate Jeff Hardy" was so hilariously dismissive. Flair really has never seemed crazier than at that very moment and I legitimately fear for his mental well-being.

- Does every TNA guy have countdowns in their entrance video?

- AJ Styles got in Jeff Hardy's face that he had a dab of facepaint on the end of his nose and I fell down laughing.

- Jeff Hardy straight up just hijacked the Undertaker's fanbase. THE MONDAY NIGHT WAR IS ON.

- Cut to Eric Bischoff YELLING.

9:15 RAW

- I involuntarily shrieked OH MY GOD when the glass broke.

- Austin's promo was like music to my ears after the gong show that was Impact. I was praying for Punk to come out... but got John Cena.

9:26 IMPACT

- COMMERCIAL WTF. I thought I could avoid commercials for this Monday Night War! ARGHH

- I'm pretty sure that Scott Hall could appear to be developmentally delayed to someone who has never seen him before. "I'll be the guy that looks like Elvis." Yes. 2010 Elvis.

9:29 RAW

- We come back from commercial to Big Show and John Cena making the funniest faces I've ever seen.

9:36 IMPACT

- I see Mr. Anderson beating the patriotism out of Kurt Angle, who is bleeding almost as much as Ric Flair made himself bleed minutes earlier. This looked cool from what I saw. Maybe if Flair hadn't opened his forehead already this would've looked better. Anderson's promos make you hate his fucking guts. Still don't know why the entire US Army needs to be involved.

9:38 RAW

- Another commercial. Goddamn this 15-minute delay! Is this delay for when Michael Cole finally snaps and goes postal on everyone?

- Sheamus squashing Evan Bourne (again) definitely gets a rise (is that the phrase?) out of me. I was excited to see Bourne wrestle, but once I heard ITS A SHAME TO PWAAOINIRN I deflated. Evan Bourne sure can make anyone look like a (celtic) warrior.

- Austin/HBK together was great. Austin/Jericho together was GOLD. Best speaking segment on either show for me.

9:48 IMPACT

- COMMERCIALS

9:49 RAW

- Kelly Kelly's super sexy taunt into getting beatdown by Maryse made me laugh out loud. Vickie Guerrero made me throw up on myself.

9:58 IMPACT

- I change to Spike to see RVD throwing Sting's bat to Hogan, and Eric Bischoff comes out YELLING.

10:03 RAW

- That awesome Johnny Cash Taker/Shawn promo.

- Jericho and Shawn come out for their match as I consider flipping back to TNA during commercials less and less as the night wears on.

10:07 IMPACT

- Scott Hall is in a sweatshirt about to wrestle when my girlfriend points out his shoes are from the nineties. In a non-retro-cool way. This match is supposed to be guaranteed to go five minutes, which is a couple minutes longer than 90% of Impact's regularly times matches.

10:10 RAW

- Thank god for Shawn/Jericho. This match going against Nash/Hall in a sweatshirt is hilarious. Really loved the whole ending with Edge coming out. Seemed predictable but it played out at full speed, which made it feel more chaotic.

10:18 IMPACT

- Beer Money vs. Hernan--

10:18 RAW

- Batista/Cena VIDEO PACKAGE. Seriously. I will take this over Impact tonight. It is not clicking with me.

10:22 IMPACT

- Matt Morgan on commentary. Hernandez has Roode up for his finish while Storm is getting up. Morgan clearly doesn't watch enough wrestling: "Oh yeah, he's got this coveredBYE" Morgan leaves. Hernandez loses.

- I literally can't follow TNA's storylines. First Jarrett is a full blown face, praising TNA fans when Hogan tells the fans to fuck off. Then Jarrett is a cocky sunglass wearing lawsuit-threatening motherfucker. Now he's getting sympathy by opposing Bischoff. What in the FUCK is going on on this show? Does ANYBODY know? Forget the writers or whoever because they obviously don't know. But is there any fan out there that is like "whoa whoa whoa, let me explain it to you, because I get this." I can't believe that. Also, this segment includes Eric Bischoff YELLING.

10:24 RAW

- Almost missed a bit of RAW. Note to self: Don't change channel ever again.

- But now I have to spout some nerdy continuity bullshit. Randy Orton respecting Triple H is the biggest crock of continuity bullshit of all time. He literally sexually assaulted his wife, and beat the shit out of his entire family. WHAT?! And Triple H invaded his goddamn home and Marty Jannetty'd him through his front window? I respect you, Trips.

- I flipped for a second, saw Eric Bischoff, who I've seen more than anyone on either show somehow, and flipped back. Even though RAW is on commercial.

- Orton/HHH starts and ends up being entertaining enough, including the finish with big pasty Sheamus beating his chest like Flair beat his own face.

- I flipped back to Impact at just the right time to see that crazy X-Division segment with Generation Me leaping off of the steel supports, and Amazing Red flying off the ladder. Impact should really just be about these guys. It's all I (and everyone, I can only assume) want to see. I have absolutely no interest in Hogan or Flair, comedy aspects aside.

- I chose Kofi/Batista over Hardy/AJ (although I did see a bit of it), which was the toughest choice of the night. WWE had been delivering WAY more throughout the evening, so I went with RAW. And I was happy with my choice. Batista hurled Kofi into the barricade so hard that Kofi's body knocked a phone out of some girl's hand. Kofi then kicked Big Dave between the eyes, causing him to bleed (which hey, guess what, means a hell of a lot more on RAW than Impact) and go into a blind rage of clotheslines and Batista Bombs.

- And finally we have the Bret/Austin/Vince segment which I thought was a lot of fun, despite Austin's very minor involvement.

RAW VS. IMPACT 3/15

WINNER: RAW

Photo - WWE.com

Last week was a little closer for me because Criss Angel sucks a bag of magic dicks and Impact was live. This week was a landslide.

WHAT I SAW IN MINUTES

IMPACT: 31 MINS

RAW: 1 HOUR, 54 MINS

WRESTLING WEEKENDS = 4 FOR 4 5 FOR 5

Just a quick note:

Two weekends ago - Awesome DGUSA PPV

This past weekend - EVOLVE2

This weekend - ROH in Toronto, Destinaton X on PPV

Next weekend - WRESTLEMANIA

UPDATE

Weekend after that - The Big Bang - ROH's Debut in Charlotte on GoFightLive!

Something to look forward to at the end of each week, all from different companies.

And tonight there's three wrestling shows on, which will be the norm for who knows how long. Pretty decent time to be watching wrestling when you look at it that way.

I'm off to go walk around shirtless in a leather vest to get myself psyched up for tonight.

HOW TO GET PSYCHED UP FOR STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN'S RETURN TO RAW TOMORROW NIGHT

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN

3/15 RAW GUEST HOST

10. Drive an ATV around your living room (make sure your mom moves the steel steps out of the way).

(WHAT)

9. Break a pane of glass then play the fight riff on your guitar.

(WHAT)

8. Lou Thesz Press a friend or colleague.

(WHAT)

7. Don't trust anybody (except your watch).

(WHAT)

6. Climb all four corners of your bed and signal for a couple (your-name-here)-weisers.

(WHAT)

5. Break your neck BUT STILL GET UP.

(WHAT)

4. Rewrite a passage of the bible to include your name.

(WHAT)

3. Arrive at some place, raise some hell, then leave said place.

(WHAT)

2. Make your boss pee his pants.

(WHAT)

1. Get a "Hell Yeah!" from a group of people.

(WHAT)

Or, you can just fullscreen this piece and try and not get goosebumps.

RAW 02/08/10 PREVIEW: LOOKING AHEAD TO CHEECH, CHONG & CM PUNK

TONIGHT'S GUEST HOST

NASCAR CARL

RAW (last week) did a super sweet job of making me want to tune in this week in three easy ways:

1) Wrestling matches that set up the next PPV main event

2) THEANIMALDAVEBATISTA going apeshit on Bret Hart and John Cena - what will happen this week?

3) Announcing that CM Punk and Luke Gallows will challenge DX for the Tag Straps

As if that match wasn't enough, they threw in Miz and Big Show and turned it into an elimination match! When was the last time they had an elimination tag match? On RAW, no less!

But since I have no interest in the NASCAR fella, I want to briefly mention what could go down three weeks from tonight.

MARCH 1ST GUEST HOSTS

CHEECH MARIN AND TOMMY CHONG

Oh mang wellness policy joke overload!!!11!1lofl!11

Okay, this is old news. But take into account (which most of you probably already have) that after tonight, Punk and Gallows could be appearing on both RAW and Smackdown! every week. Meaning we could potentially see CM Punk cut a godly, cuts-to-the-bongbone promo on the oldest stoners in the world.

That is awesome in itself. But if Punk is coming to RAW every week and he gets to interact with Cheech and Chong, I want to add my own layer of diabetic-coma-inducing icing to what could really be a deep and delicious cake of a segment...

CM Punk.

Shaves.

Cheech and Chong's heads.

Holy.

Carp.

Crap.

I gave myself goosebumps.

If it doesn't happen, no big deal. I'm sure it'll be a crazy entertaining promo regardless. But everyone is anticipating some kind of interaction between Punk and these old stoners, I think whether or not the Straight-Edge Society takes home the gold tonight or not.

Bottom line is, if Punk comes out on March 1st and saves the most notorious pot-smokers of all-time from the dangers of MARIJUANA CIGARETTES - ohhhhhhhh Sweet Daddy Siki will that be some righteous television programming. And definitely really help the build to whatever Punk will be doing at WM26, since that show will take place in the final stretch of the Road to WrestleMania.

WHICH REMINDS ME.

Reason #2 why Punk and Gallows need to destroy DX tonight...

MARCH 15TH GUEST HOST

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN

And if Punk has any kind of interaction with beer-enthusiast Steve Austin... then my dreams just may come true.

More excited for tonight's RAW main event than I have been for a teddy long, long time.