RAW AND IMPACT 4/12: RAW IS HOFF, IMPACT IS A HASSEL! LOL?!

That was terrible. And not entirely true. Or spelled correctly.

As explained last week (or the week before. I tend to forget when I do things because I watch naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day), there is so little crossover between RAW and Impact for Canadians now that there is literally no point in me doing my "Flipping Between" reviews, since I flip like once and then there's no more flipping to be done. Impact starts at 8 (with a pre-show at 7!) and RAW starts at 9:15, so you do the math, because I don't do math because I watch naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day.

Here's what I wrote down while watching both shows tonight (which may be a bit more than usual since I missed out on doing a preview earlier today):

RAW VS. (SOME OF) IMPACT

APRIL 12TH, 2010

Photo - WWE.com

IMPACT

- How many gimmick matches has TNA had/will they have, in like 3 weeks total? Not just that, but how about SPONTANEOUS gimmick matches?! Post-show research shows that the number I'm looking for is thirteen.

Okay, it's not exactly fair to include Lockdown in that number (well it is), but still, six gimmick matches in three weeks on free TV is a bit hyperactive, don't you think?

- Motor City are so fucking great. Alex Shelley alone has the potential to be such a massive star if he's treated the right way I think. He looks like the most relevant dude in either major company today. I love that they're jobbing to Matt Morgan as I write this.

- People in TNA do not watch their own show.

Eric Bischoff: "Hogan, you told me, KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE, AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER"

Next segment - Tara: "Angelina Love, you know what they say, "KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE, AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER"

They DO say that! In fact, Eric Bischoff just said that.

- As the Leather and Lace-- no, The Handcuffed Beatdown-- No, I Quit Match-- no, Strip You Naked With the Help of My Best Friends Match was going on, my girlfriend said - "You can really see how high quality WWE is after watching this." I should also point out she put air quotes around "high quality," implying that high quality for wrestling is measured on a different scale than real life things.

- Tara took a Jack Swagger amount of time getting those handcuffs off.

- Welp, RAW's on. I was having a great time watching TNA half-assedly while cooking dinner (Kaz/Moore was pretty damn awesome, and once again, the X-Division pulls the hottest reaction from the Impact Zone for the night), but once I started paying attention, it started sucking. Coincidence? I dun think so.

IMPACT (WHILE RAW WAS ON)

- Christy Hemme: "Abyss IS in the ambalance."

- Abyss was hit by a car after telling Desmond Wolfe to try and kill him. Probably shouldn't have done that.

- Turned back in time to see Hogan's look of sorrow. The end!

RAW

- What is this fucking HOFF CHANT? Oh my good lord this is epic as all hell. KNIGHT RIDER OH MY GOD I LITERALLY PISSED MY PANTS HELP.

- Look at that jacket. This will be the most hilarious RAW of all time.

- As I watch this, an unfortunate thought crosses my mind. If this was happening on TNA, I would probably pan it into the ground. Sad. But I am a WWE mark, when compared to TNA… but also, TNA hasn't proved itself to be able to have this kind of chaos without it seeming totally retarded and cheap.

- HOOOFFFFFFSOOOMMMMMEEEE.

- Haha. Hasselhoff for permanent RAW GM. Now he just told everyone to shutup for no reason.

- Booing SMACKDOWN?! Too much wrestling?! Logic?! REASON?! AH GAD

- Jackie Swagger should definitely be his new name forever.

- So Jackie Swagger will defend the World Title TO Randy Orton. "I think this title looks cool, I don't care what you say."

- Hoff looks like he's being awarded Eve as she runs to the ring.

- Cole: "I'd love to sit around and watch football with Eve." Subtext: I do not have a functioning male penis.

- I thought she might take it. Eve wins the prestigious Divas Title!

- How many references are there to getting on your knees in WWE entrance music? Miz, Swagger, Suck It... there has to be more.

- Miz is getting crazy over with all dat gold.

- "WHO BETTAH THAN SHOMIZ?!" … poor timing Miz. :(

- YES. Bret Hart. More Hart Dynasty. OMG I am foaming at the mouth. Goddamn I love Bret Hart. No number of shitty WrestleMania 26 matches could make me not love this man.

- HUGE British Bulldogs pop.

- Oh my god Miz. You can catch heat like a fucking solar flare. He makes me flush in the face with rage whenever he talks down to MY BELOVED BRET.

- The tag titles have been elevated in a new way, even though I should've noticed this a while ago. Being given the ability to appear on both shows is such a sign of confidence in a team that they can carry their weight in the ring and on the mic.

- I can't get enough of the Hart Dynasty as a stable with Bret. It gives me a wrestling boner with a maple leaf tattoo.

- Anytime RAW has gone to commercial and I've switched to Impact, it's been on commercial. Poor timing for TNA in Canada. They can't control it, just a bummer.

- Also, anytime I tune in to Impact, when it actually is airing, someone is getting BRUTALLY ATTACKED. Abyss hit by a car, Jeff Hardy set on fire, Eric Young chasing people with a hockey stick, clips of James Storm blasting RVD with a beer bottle. Everything happens on every show, which is just another way of saying nothing happens on every show.

- I love Nattie Neidhart on the outside. She looks so friggin' invested in every second of the match.

- DH using the Davey Boy stalling vertical tickles my previously mentioned wrestling boner.

- Had to kill a spider and came back to see Otunga and Batista on screen at the same time. I cursed that spider and cut a promo on it because I was so pissed.

- Nice! Evan Bourne wrestling! If I hear Sheamus' music next, I'll cry. Okay good there's a jobber already in the rin-- wait it's Carlito! Well… I guess my original comment still stands.

- Wait a minute… this seems weird. I fear Sheamus could appear at any moment and dole out some pump kicks.

- Oh gad… Bourne really smacked his head on the mat. Fucking Carlito!

- No one gets apathy heat quite like Carlito.

- Holy fuckbots that corner leg lariat/knee to a sitting Carlito was insane.

- Best SSP in the business right there. Wordpad just auto-corrected "thurr" to "there" for me. Probably worked out for the best.

- Really good to see Evan Bourne getting a singles win without getting wallpapered by Sheamus or something. I could go for a Bourne match every week where he pulls out a win, or looks like an actual contender.

- Overwhelming boos for Cena. Anyone I talk to who doesn't watch wrestling is outraged at the jorts that John Cena wears. But the trunks that Otunga wears are made out of that material that your butt apparently loves to eat up, and that doesn't help either.

- Batista is undressing LIKE A MAN POSSESSED.

- LOFL. Holy fucking crap I never realized that when Triple H hit Sheamus in the gut with the sledgehammer, Michael Cole yelled "FEELTHEWRATH" … what?!

- Kofi has fallen back to generic babyface. I almost think he needs to turn heel so we can -- (as I was writing this, Kofi said "I just spoke to David Hasselhoff!" and I laughed out loud at the idea that if you want to make a match you have to consult David Hasselhoff)-- see some of that mean streak he showed against Randy Orton.

- Good to see Kofi looked like a big threat after being jobbed out last week. He and big Shame stepped it up.

- Good to see the women on both shows are being degraded tonight.

- Also, the Carlito/Kozlov thing is awesome, logical, and hilarious all at the same time. OF COURSE they should blame the guest hosts for not getting matches, and OF COURSE it sounds fucking stupid saying you'll take out your frustrations on MacGruber.

- Michael Cole: "I wish the lifeguards looked like this at my community pool." Implying that this nerd goes to his community pool. Implying that the lifeguards at his community pool are nasty fugly hoes. Implying that he looks at these nasty lifeguards and wishes he had Kelly Kelly to look at and have to hide his half-boner in the shallow end.

- If I had a fever dream 10 years ago, it might've gone something like this: "I was watching Raw, but it wasn't Raw, because David Hasselhoff was there and all of these girls were in baywatch suits, and this guy swallowed a whistle so a midget came running out (also dressed like he was on baywatch) and everyone cheered when he jumped on the man's tummy. Also, Michael Cole's moustache was missing."

- How many clip on lights and tiny TV monitors do you think they take on tour with them? This is a legitimate question for which I expect no answer.

- "Look at the eyes." - Michael Cole. That will be etched on his tombstone.

- Out of nowhere RKO: will never not be awesome.

- Swagger got some SERIOUS heat for taking out Orton. Nice.

- John Cena is going to have a fucking aneurism with all of that Warrior flexing. At least he proved he can count to ten, unlike the actual Warrior.

At the end of it all, both shows were fun to watch in their own way. Impact had me for some of it, lost me for a lot of it, but still gave me that "if I look away I could miss someone dying!" feeling. RAW was fun the whole way through and had an Evan Bourne match that didn't end in a vicious Sheamus beatdown. I think everyone won tonight.

Hope this wasn't excruciatingly long to read. Apparently I had a lot of thoughts tonight. And more swearing than usual. Sorry mom.

A REVIEW OF ONE AND A HALF SHOWS: RAW AND IMPACT

I only watched the first half of Impact last night (not because RAW started - it was preempted by NCAA Basketball in Canada), more because I think it fried my brain. Here's what I wrote down as the shows went on:

IMPACT

- Christy Hemme appears on screen to hype the Knockouts tag match for tonight, which has some special stipulations. She says, "the rules are simple" and then goes on to describe the most convoluted rules I've ever heard for a match ever.

- Abyss coats the camera lens in his saliva.

- Ric Flair must be running on coke reserves from the 80's.

- RVD and Jeff Hardy make the save by following a slow old mom down the stairs of the Impact Zone. "Um... uh, excuse me... excuse me... sorry... I..."

- Homicide cashes in the "been off TV" Title shot briefcase!*

- There must've been 75 pounds of fake tits in that Knockouts promo.

- On Impact, the camera is constantly covered in some kind of crap. Beer, blood, Abyss' spittle...

- Orlando Jordan just came on himself. Is he paid to wrestle? Or just... I don't even know what you would call this.

- Taz, during one of Impact's three second "back from commercial but not really" breaks, just shouted LOCK BOX.

- Velvet Sky literally points inside her own butt as she gets in the ring.

- Tara wins a key. Maybe she'll retain her title or get her spider back if her special key unlocks the right lock box. Or maybe I'll turn the TV off and give my brain a rest.

- Lacey Von Erick does a moonsault to land on her feet then drop an elbow. Guess what? Did not work out so well.

- TNA loves these "you win and get a thing and the thing could be a good thing or a bad thing!" matches.

- That poor ring announcer... he has so much trouble getting all of these crazy rules announced. "The following contest is a ladder match! Where... the winner, um, must try and climb to get the key where... the key unlocks the cage door at Lockdown! And, well... I suppose he'll have to... pack the key in his luggage and bring it to Lockdown, I... don't know, I guess... ahem."

- Five KEYS will be won by the end of the show.*

- Maybe more keys will be won by the end of the show. The key to Abyss's orange hummer, maybe.

- 8:57: Ladder Match starts.

- 8:58: Kurt Angle almost certainly herniates a disc on the ladder. The suplex looked NASTY.

- 9:01: Kurt Angle is dead (That fall to the outside made me cry out in sorrow like a mourning dog).

- 9:06: Match over. I turn off my TV.

In all fairness, that Ladder Match was fun as hell for what it was (scary for Kurt Angle's immediate health). And, in all honesty, the entire show was fun as hell too, but (as always) because it makes me feel like I am on hard drugs while watching it.

Both RAW and Impact have GREAT reasons to watch the show. It just so happens Impact's reasons are more like the reasons you watch Jersey Shore: because it's an absolute trainwreck and you can't look away. That's fine. I watched Jersey Shore. It was a blast. But I would never pay to watch Jersey Shore on PPV.

And Impact does have these nice glowing little nuggest of hope whenever you see guys like Generation Me wrestle, or even that Ladder Match, or RVD tearing it up and the crowd going mental. But for now, Impact makes my brain leak out of my ears and part of me enjoys that.

RAW

Here is the problem I have when I watch Impact and RAW in the same night. I find myself more seriously enjoying RAW for the solid wrestling (Christian/DiBiase was great, Orton/Swagger too) and wondering where each storyline will go. But I always find it hard to remember what exactly happens on RAW when Orlando Jordan jizzes all over himself and ten people are gushing blood on Impact.

Anyway, here's what I wrote down:

- Swagger's "World Heavyweight Title Address" thing is amazing. People are hating the fuck out of him for reading from a book.

- There's a huge nerd in a white hat booing John Cena ONLY when he sees himself on the titantron. What a dork.

- HAHA. "I have earned this my friend and I am saying you have not earned what you have!" Sometimes John Cena's gimmick is just too fucking funny. Like a parody of a generic superhero in a Saturday morning cartoon.

- David Otunga has "RAW" shaved into his head. This man is a father.

- WHOA that psych-out RKO was badass. I hope he keeps doing shit like that. Orton tweenin' is badass. At least they're not just buddying him up with Cena continuously. Them teaming together last week was a bit annoying, but whatever. What I saw of Impact erased my entire memory anyway.

- OH SNAP MILLION DOLLAR BELT AND FORTUNATE SONS REFERENCE

- "Could you imagine what that Million Dollar Championship would've cost?!" - Jerry Lawler

- Wow, clean win over Christian. Great match.

- Orton/Swagger was another great match with an EPIC gutwrench to RKO counter. Glad Swagger looked strong against Orton who's on a babyface/tween tear of badassery right now.

In conclusion, Swagger looked super strong on Smackdown last week after winning the title and he stood toe to toe with like a 78-time World Champion in Randy Orton. I don't expect Swagger to look like a God in coming weeks, but it'd be cool if he could be built over some time as getting stronger.

FLIPPING BETWEEN RAW AND IMPACT: 03/22/10

Reminder, as always, we get RAW at a 15-minute delay, so my Monday Night Wars (lite) match up a little bit differently than yours, you Yanks you.

Here is what I seen't:

9:00 IMPACT

- TNA has the massive advantage here in Canada, getting a fifteen minute fucking jump on RAW. This means that Impact has my undivided attention for the entire opening segment of their show, and if it hooks me, I could be in for the long haul.

So naturally TNA started the show with Eric Bischoff playing guitar. For like a full two minutes. And not even really playing. Clearly faking it.

- Jesus fucking Stallone was this craziness. Not only did it not make sense, when Eric Bischoff tried to explain it, it made even less sense. Then Jeff Jarrett comes out and is all "you aint gon get th'best of me" and Eric makes fun of him anyway. Jarrett teases a guitar shot, walks away, Bischoff says the same shit he just said to his face, this somehow irks Jarrett more than it did a second ago, so he explodes a guitar over Bischoffs head.

- Bischoff sells like he's been blinded and your fifteen minutes are up, TNA. I may only use these words once on this blog.

EPIC. FAIL.

9:15 RAW

- HBK comes out and I feel like I can breathe again after TNA suffocated me for those fifteen minutes. Shawn's history class was awesome, making reference to Jannetty, the Iron Man Match, etc. Taker then interrupts with a video he's made (good editing Deadman), which is super sweet.

- Pete Rose makes his presence felt by looking completely insane and speaking like a mental patient, but hey, it's Pete Rose so HOW BOUT IT.

- A Batista/Cena recap video airs, time to switch.

9:27 IMPACT

- I get to see about two seconds of Flair wheeling around and seemingly convulsing as AJ hobbles along in crutches. Comic genius 8/10 the perfect segment.

9:29 RAW

- ShoMiz come out, followed by Mo'Truth (is that name a go, or what?) and the two of them do a hilarious pose/weird-K-Kwik-dance-off in slow motion with fireworks. Miz and Morrison then proceed to have the best singles match on either show.

9:35 IMPACT

- Here comes Hogan and Abyss (fat, wet and with what looks like ketchup and mustard stains on his shirt) to make some kind of announcement. "Abyssamaniacs" doesn't really roll off your tongue like "Hulkamaniacs," does it? This is reason #infinity why Abyss being Hogan's golden boy doesn't work and makes me wretch in my mouth. Pretty sure at one point in this interview Hogan's dentures nearly come galloping out of his mouth.

Hogan announces that Abyss will be the captain of Team... HOGAN!

9:39 RAW/IMPACT

- We had a nerdy action station on the go, where Impact was streaming on a laptop while we watched RAW. Don't judge me. Both of these segments were impossible to not watch, thus giving me the most entertainment per square inch I've had since I played with my action figures while watching wrestling.

- On RAW, Miz and Morrison are tearing it up. Moonsaults, top rope powerbombs, burning hammers (not really), great match.

- On Impact, Abyssamania is coined (stupid), apparently it runs "fatal" on people, and Ric Flair saves the day by wheeling out and getting clotheslined out of his wheelchair. Then about ten things happen while the lights go out. Sting appears perched on the top rope, Hogan has BOTH hands handcuffed to the ropes, AJ is no longer in need of crutches and Abyss is getting the wet beat out of him.

- Watching these shows on two screens makes you realize how they are not at all the same form of entertainment. Impact is full-tilt chaos with no stories being told ever, and RAW is by the book (occasionally to a fault where it feels like you can predict it word by word) where stories take time to be fleshed out.

9:44 IMPACT

- RAW goes to commercial and Pope makes the big save. Abyss and Hogan become a taunt factory.

9:47 RAW

- After the commercial, Michael Cole manages to invent the word "intenser."

- Another Cena/'Tist vid airs. Peace.

9:49 IMPACT

- RVD, Hardy and Moore show up and Christy Hemme laughs. Drugs.

- Tomko gets a Global Title shot by employing the foolproof TNA strategy of staying off TV for months.

9:50 RAW

- Jack THWAGGA is looking sharp at the announce booth. Kofi, after a sweet ring-exit handspring thing, eventually beats Kozlov to put himself in the MITB. Can't say anyone didn't see it coming, but hey, s'all gravy to me.

9:58 IMPACT

- Jarrett/Foley recap.

10:00 RAW

- Cody Rhodes on the mic, proving he is the better talker of the two Legacy boys.

10:05 IMPACT

- Beer Money are apparently both going to referee the Jarrett/Foley loser gets fired, winner is bitch match.

- Foley and Jarrett trade near falls in slow motion.

10:08 RAW

- Commercial.

- Handicap match is underway. Good tension between Orton and Triple H, even though they inexplicably seems to respect one another. If anyone tries to explain that by saying they are wrestling's Batman and Joker, I'll punch a hole through your head.

10:14 IMPACT

- The longest match in TNA history continues (9 mins or so). Eric Bischoff says TNA is not big enough for Foley and Jarrett. Probably true, in one way. But if Tomko can still be on the payroll after months of being AWOL, then TNA is big enough for anybody to show up, hang around, disappear, whatever, any time at all.

10:17 RAW

- SHAYMUS PUMP KICK

10:17 IMPACT

- Everyone is sad, because Foley lost. Somehow I feel like this send off will not really be quite the same as Shawn Michaels' if he loses this Sunday.

10:18 RAW

- Triple H is grunting at Sheamus after ejecting him from the ring, and the THIRD 'Tist/Cena video airs. Holy they really NEVER GIVE UP with this. At least Batista is killing it like crazy.

10:20 IMPACT

- Jeff Hardy and RVD make the big save for the Beer Money beatdown, and set up the main event. I will tune the fuck in for this, because they are the two most legit stars TNA has and they deserve to close the show.

10:23 RAW

- WrestleMania Week is outlined. There is an art expo. It will be attended by nobody.

- Bret/Vince RECAP.

10:26 IMPACT

- Mick Foley says goodbye by knocking Bubba the Love Sponge's nose off of his face. I rejoiced out loud.

10:27 RAW

- Bret Hart delivers a promo that I totally enjoyed, despite some obvious slip-ups. And, even though this feud has taken some truly bizarre, unnecessary turns, I am still excited for their match on Sunday.

- Also there is a big Batista head in the crowd that keeps popping up like the whoopsie guy from Mortal Kombat that is killing me.

10:34 IMPACT

- Jeff Hardy is applying his own facepaint because he is an ARTIST. Maybe he'll attend the art expo. Or at least jump some sculptures on his motorbike.

- Beer Money vs. Drug Money still to come (credit: Steve. i loled).

- Matt Morgan comes out, does his flip-off-the-robe taunt, which leaves the robe still on his head. Hernandez punches him out of it and we change the channel.

10:39 RAW

- HBK vs. Kane is off to a wild pace (for Kane), and we notice that Hernandez is seriously hurt on the IMPACT ACTION STATION LIVE FEED. We debate if it's real of not until we see the replay of Morgan doing some kind of Sheamus pump-kick to cause this injury. We feel silly.

- Undertaker and Kane do some crazy brother-body-swapping voodoo shit, but HBK STILL survives. Sweet match.

10:48 IMPACT

- We catch a few frames of a recap of The Band from Destination-X, and see Scott Hall posing on top of Sean Waltman in a way that is more disgusting than the most vile porn I have or will ever see.

- Main Event gets underway.

10:52 RAW

- Bob Uecker will be in the WWE Hall of Fame. Sounds great, but I need to see me that Impact Main Event.

10:57 IMPACT

- This match has been super solid so far. Jeff Hardy looks to be in top drawer form, and Beer Money can't be ignored either.

11:03 RAW

- Divas.

11:03 IMPACT

- RVD is EXPLODING with the hot tag, taking everybody out, and we get an epic finish with a Swanton/5-Star 1-2 punch. Best match on either show for the entire night.

11:10 RAW

- Batista then delivers the best promo on either show, because he is a natural born dickhead and plays the heel with sheer brilliance. I LOVES IT. His John Cena impersonation was the funniest goddamn thing of all time. Cena then comes out and speaks softly for a bit before fighting an entire security force.

END 11:26

RAW VS. IMPACT 3/22

WINNER: RAW

Impact may have had the match of the night, but that's really it. Everything else was sheer insanity, some of which made me feel embarrassed. They have guys just waiting in the wings that can tear it down week after week, but they choose to go with Eric Bischoff on pretend guitar instead.

WHAT I SAW IN MINUTES

IMPACT: 1 HOUR, 5 MINUTES

RAW: 1 HOUR, 28 MINUTES

MATCHES OF THE NIGHT

1. Beer Money vs. Jeff Hardy & Rob Van Dam (IMPACT)

2. The Miz vs. John Morrison (RAW)

3. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane (RAW)

FLIPPING BETWEEN RAW AND IMPACT: 03/15/10

Trying out something new here. Just a reminder that here in Canada we get RAW on a 15-minute delay. I honestly don't understand why. You'd think with the WWE going PG that there is no real need for such a long time-delay. I really don't think Vince is senile enough to whip out his dink on live TV (yet).

Here's how my night went:

9:00 IMPACT

- If there ever was a modernized take of the clown car, TNA managed to kick their show off with it tonight. Holy fuck. Painty-face Vampiro Hardy, Help Hogan, Rob Van Dam and fat wet Abyss (he is always SO WET. Like all over. Ugh.) all climb out of an orange Hummer. Abyss drove... so is it his Hummer? Or is it Hogan's and Hulk has cataracts so he can't drive? Did Abyss pick everyone up individually? I have so many questions.

- AJ Styles' Nature Boy impression is super hit or miss with me. Ric Flair's Nature Boy impression is even worse (zing?). Seriously though, Ric Flair punched himself in the face until he bled like he'd been scalped, thus scaring my girlfriend and making me hold my face in embarrassment (or some other new kind of emotion that science can't explain). His "I hate Jeff Hardy" was so hilariously dismissive. Flair really has never seemed crazier than at that very moment and I legitimately fear for his mental well-being.

- Does every TNA guy have countdowns in their entrance video?

- AJ Styles got in Jeff Hardy's face that he had a dab of facepaint on the end of his nose and I fell down laughing.

- Jeff Hardy straight up just hijacked the Undertaker's fanbase. THE MONDAY NIGHT WAR IS ON.

- Cut to Eric Bischoff YELLING.

9:15 RAW

- I involuntarily shrieked OH MY GOD when the glass broke.

- Austin's promo was like music to my ears after the gong show that was Impact. I was praying for Punk to come out... but got John Cena.

9:26 IMPACT

- COMMERCIAL WTF. I thought I could avoid commercials for this Monday Night War! ARGHH

- I'm pretty sure that Scott Hall could appear to be developmentally delayed to someone who has never seen him before. "I'll be the guy that looks like Elvis." Yes. 2010 Elvis.

9:29 RAW

- We come back from commercial to Big Show and John Cena making the funniest faces I've ever seen.

9:36 IMPACT

- I see Mr. Anderson beating the patriotism out of Kurt Angle, who is bleeding almost as much as Ric Flair made himself bleed minutes earlier. This looked cool from what I saw. Maybe if Flair hadn't opened his forehead already this would've looked better. Anderson's promos make you hate his fucking guts. Still don't know why the entire US Army needs to be involved.

9:38 RAW

- Another commercial. Goddamn this 15-minute delay! Is this delay for when Michael Cole finally snaps and goes postal on everyone?

- Sheamus squashing Evan Bourne (again) definitely gets a rise (is that the phrase?) out of me. I was excited to see Bourne wrestle, but once I heard ITS A SHAME TO PWAAOINIRN I deflated. Evan Bourne sure can make anyone look like a (celtic) warrior.

- Austin/HBK together was great. Austin/Jericho together was GOLD. Best speaking segment on either show for me.

9:48 IMPACT

- COMMERCIALS

9:49 RAW

- Kelly Kelly's super sexy taunt into getting beatdown by Maryse made me laugh out loud. Vickie Guerrero made me throw up on myself.

9:58 IMPACT

- I change to Spike to see RVD throwing Sting's bat to Hogan, and Eric Bischoff comes out YELLING.

10:03 RAW

- That awesome Johnny Cash Taker/Shawn promo.

- Jericho and Shawn come out for their match as I consider flipping back to TNA during commercials less and less as the night wears on.

10:07 IMPACT

- Scott Hall is in a sweatshirt about to wrestle when my girlfriend points out his shoes are from the nineties. In a non-retro-cool way. This match is supposed to be guaranteed to go five minutes, which is a couple minutes longer than 90% of Impact's regularly times matches.

10:10 RAW

- Thank god for Shawn/Jericho. This match going against Nash/Hall in a sweatshirt is hilarious. Really loved the whole ending with Edge coming out. Seemed predictable but it played out at full speed, which made it feel more chaotic.

10:18 IMPACT

- Beer Money vs. Hernan--

10:18 RAW

- Batista/Cena VIDEO PACKAGE. Seriously. I will take this over Impact tonight. It is not clicking with me.

10:22 IMPACT

- Matt Morgan on commentary. Hernandez has Roode up for his finish while Storm is getting up. Morgan clearly doesn't watch enough wrestling: "Oh yeah, he's got this coveredBYE" Morgan leaves. Hernandez loses.

- I literally can't follow TNA's storylines. First Jarrett is a full blown face, praising TNA fans when Hogan tells the fans to fuck off. Then Jarrett is a cocky sunglass wearing lawsuit-threatening motherfucker. Now he's getting sympathy by opposing Bischoff. What in the FUCK is going on on this show? Does ANYBODY know? Forget the writers or whoever because they obviously don't know. But is there any fan out there that is like "whoa whoa whoa, let me explain it to you, because I get this." I can't believe that. Also, this segment includes Eric Bischoff YELLING.

10:24 RAW

- Almost missed a bit of RAW. Note to self: Don't change channel ever again.

- But now I have to spout some nerdy continuity bullshit. Randy Orton respecting Triple H is the biggest crock of continuity bullshit of all time. He literally sexually assaulted his wife, and beat the shit out of his entire family. WHAT?! And Triple H invaded his goddamn home and Marty Jannetty'd him through his front window? I respect you, Trips.

- I flipped for a second, saw Eric Bischoff, who I've seen more than anyone on either show somehow, and flipped back. Even though RAW is on commercial.

- Orton/HHH starts and ends up being entertaining enough, including the finish with big pasty Sheamus beating his chest like Flair beat his own face.

- I flipped back to Impact at just the right time to see that crazy X-Division segment with Generation Me leaping off of the steel supports, and Amazing Red flying off the ladder. Impact should really just be about these guys. It's all I (and everyone, I can only assume) want to see. I have absolutely no interest in Hogan or Flair, comedy aspects aside.

- I chose Kofi/Batista over Hardy/AJ (although I did see a bit of it), which was the toughest choice of the night. WWE had been delivering WAY more throughout the evening, so I went with RAW. And I was happy with my choice. Batista hurled Kofi into the barricade so hard that Kofi's body knocked a phone out of some girl's hand. Kofi then kicked Big Dave between the eyes, causing him to bleed (which hey, guess what, means a hell of a lot more on RAW than Impact) and go into a blind rage of clotheslines and Batista Bombs.

- And finally we have the Bret/Austin/Vince segment which I thought was a lot of fun, despite Austin's very minor involvement.

RAW VS. IMPACT 3/15

WINNER: RAW

Photo - WWE.com

Last week was a little closer for me because Criss Angel sucks a bag of magic dicks and Impact was live. This week was a landslide.

WHAT I SAW IN MINUTES

IMPACT: 31 MINS

RAW: 1 HOUR, 54 MINS