ARE MY ALL OF MY PREMONITIONS COMING TRUE?

Or is that the actual definition of premonition? What is the definition of premonition? I need to stop rhyming because this is turning into a Savage Garden song. I'm too lazy to look it up, but let me just continue on as if I know what the word means.

Just today, WWE.com announced that famous troll woman Snooki will be hosting RAW next week. Naturally, everybody complained and then everybody else told them to calm down. But let's talk about the most important part - how I predicted this trend almost a year ago.

I proposed an idea for a wrestling character based on a Jersey Shore "dancing asshole." It wasn't long until Robbie E debuted in TNA, J-WOWW and Angelina started appearing on Impact, and now Snooki is hosting RAW. I'm a fucking genius!

And tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin is hosting RAW. It was almost exactly a year ago to the day when Austin last hosted RAW, and I had prayed for a CM Punk/Stone Cole showdown of some kind. It didn't end up happening. But earlier today, Punk had this to say on Twitter:

TWO FOR TWO.

Even my girlfriend is in on this premonition business. I should warn you that I'm about to both spoil the movie Hall Pass (uh, a small part of it), and talk about penises. This is your chance to stop reading. Or continue reading if you enjoy Owen Wilson and male genitalia.

...

Looks like you're a fan! Okay, so the other night, my girlfriend had a really weird dream. She dreamt that she was at a party, walked into the bathroom, and saw two people, both African American (it's important to the story, I swear!) one male, one female, naked in the tub, with the guy just awkwardly rubbing his penis on the girl's face. Yep. You know that now. You can't not know that now.

So then later that night we went and saw Hall Pass. There is a scene when Owen Wilson is in a jacuzzi at a gym, falls asleep, and gets rescued by a big naked black man, and Owen's head gets nuzzled right up near his giant penis.

Tub. Big black penis. Right by the face. PREMONITION.

Did you need to know this? Certainly not. But we were freaking out in the theatre, and I felt the need to share it with you.

Please still come to my blog.

The end.

THE 7TH ANNUAL SLAMMY AWARDS - TONIGHT!

It's not an annual event, but there's not really a word for a couple times a decade.

2010 SLAMMY AWARDS

FAKE AWARDS FOR A FAKE SPORT!

Photo - WWE.com

Which makes it the best thing ever. I love the Slammy's. Nothing makes me happier than more gold-coloured things for wrestlers to get upset at each other over. I also love that while the awards are rigged, you still root for who you think will win - and you'll be furious if someone undeserving wins. Or at least you'll bitch about it on a message board and go to bed.

It's such a funny balance. Wrestling is "scripted," the Slammy awards are given out to further storylines, not to actually award anyone anything... but if you believe that, say, the "Oh Snap" Meltdown of the Year Slammy should go to Alberto Del Rio instead of Big Show, so Del Rio has a sweet Slammy to carry around and brag about... but Big Show wins? You'll be pissed! But for such a weird reason. Because Big Show smashing the shit out of Jack Swagger's trophies was much more of an actual meltdown than Del Rio attacking Mysterio, but you're mad because Big Show won't do anything worthwhile with the Slammy, while Del Rio would milk it until that little golden man is shrivelled dry. And I totally agree, but it's hard not to think of it as weird, to get mad that the guy that shouldn't have won in kayfabe didn't win, if you can follow my rambling train of thought. Phew.

The Slammy's can do a bunch of things: spark challenges between two wrestlers (see Shawn Michaels challenging the Undertaker last year); give a cocky wrestler something to brag about that everyone knows is meaningless (see two-time (debatable) winner Owen Hart); give a nod to pop culture (see Batista's best Kanye West impression when he interrupted Maria's acceptance speech last year) and it can give Dennis Miller three hours of free reign on cable TV. That last one didn't work out so well.

For what it's worth, here's who I think should take home each Slammy tonight. Er, as if these were real awards, and not fake ones that are used to tell stories with. Ahem.

SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR

The Miz

SHOCKER OF THE YEAR

John Cena loses and is forced to join The Nexus

KNUCKLEHEAD MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Lay-Cool gets beaten by Mae Young

DESPICABLE ME AWARD

CM Punk sings "Happy Birthday" to Rey Mysterio

HOLY %&^%&* MOVE OF THE YEAR

Randy Orton delivers an RKO to a flying Evan Bourne

GUEST STAR SHINING MOMENT OF THE YEAR

William Shatner sings WWE Entrances

"OH SNAP" MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR

Batista quits WWE

WWE MOMENT OF THE YEAR

The Nexus debuts and attacks John Cena

WWE DIVA OF THE YEAR

Whoever doesn't get through over or through or under the ropes in the battle royal.

And if there was an Announcer of the Year category, the choice would be easy. Even with Michael Cole being the realest, most hate-able heel since Triple H broke into Randy Orton's home and terrorized him and his family (he was a heel right), CM Punk has made Monday Night RAW one billion times more watchable with his hilarious and insightful commentary.

So to you CM Punk, I raise a glass of diet soda, and award you the 2010 Slammy for Announcer of the Year.

THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE ON TONIGHT'S 900TH EPISODE OF RAW

Every two years or so we get a new milestone in Monday Night RAW history. Tonight, it's episode number 900 (hey that's a lot of episodes! I wonder who's the longest running weekly episodic television show in blailahcjkdhddddvfjhkgfe!"??!).

Here's what I want to see.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW

900TH EPISODE

Photo - WWE.com

- 900 Michael Cole fake laughs.

- 900 "YOU'RE! GOING! DOWN!" chants when Ahmed Johnson finally makes his long awaited return and eliminates himself from a battle royale to chase Faarooq.

- 900 e-mail alerts, until John Cena finally snaps and breaks the internet.

- 900 consecutive Daniel Bryan matches.

- A compilation of Road Warrior Hawk piledriving every past guest host 900 times.

- 900 minutes of overrun.

- 900 lbs. of fake boobies (during a nostalgic look at past RAW divas).

- 900 Spanish announce table spots.

- Vince McMahon fire 900 employees, mostly fans and public figures in a spell of senility.

- 900 unseen Beaver Cleavage vignettes.

- At least 900 of the 1,004 holds that Chris Jericho knows.

- 900 of those Lucha matches that 1997 Raw would always have where guys landed on their heads and no-sold it out of pure shame.

- 900 different classes of vehicles driven by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

- 900 consecutive inappropriate gay jokes as delivered by Triple H.

- Edge and Christian reunite for a 900-second pose for those with the benefit of flash photography.

- 900 home invasions.

- 900 appearances of past Superstars via satellite (I'm crossing my fingers for Mini Vader).

- To win any match tonight you must incapacitate your opponent until he can't answer a count of 900.

- ARMBAR

- The GM changes the Night of Champions WWE Title match to a 900-Pack-Challenge match.

- Okay that's about enough.

TONIGHT: RAW VS. IMPACT - WEEK NINE: SUPERBRAWL SATURDAY!

Holy HECK I've been gone for one weekend and I feel like I haven't written about wrestling for... for... I can't even come up with a wrestling-related joke to end that sentence! Maybe that's a blessing in disguise.

RAW VS. IMPACT

5/3/2010 PREVIEW

RAW (LIVE)

Announced

Guest Host: Wayne Brady

Expected

Fallout from the WWE Draft

A failed "we want Tony Atlas" chant

John Cena and Wayne Brady do an elaborate cool guy handshake that makes me laugh

Won't Happen

CM Punk shaves Wayne Brady's head and immaculately thin facial hair

IMPACT (LIVE)

Announced

Please DVR our show please! PLEASE!

Who will Hulk Hogan give Ric Flair's Hall of Fame ring to?

Hulk Hogan confronts Sting, because no one believes Sting as a heel, not even the wrestlers

Beer Money vs. "always a #2 Contender, never #1" Motor City Machine Guns

EVERY Knockout Title is on the line in one match again

Orlando Jordan makes Rob Terry question his sexuality

Douglas Williams returns without his X-Division Title

More on the TNA Rankings System

Expected

Lex Luger FINALLY breaks his silence!!

RVD def. Desmond Wolfe to retain the TNA Title

Abyss spits all over the place

Won't Happen

Me tuning in, now that I have a friend with HDNet.

ROH ON HDNET

Match Listing (Non-Spoiler)

Austin Aries vs. Delirious

Pick 6 Series: Roderick Strong vs. Joey Ryan

Plus, the Necro Butcher & The Dark City Fight Club are in action

THINGS THAT COULD REPLACE THIS MONDAY'S RAW

With that crazy volcano in Iceland calling the shots, the RAW crew are probably going to be stuck on the other side of the Atlantic come Monday night.

Here are the options that the WWE will have to mull over if the RAW superstars are indeed unavailable for tomorrow night's show:

04/19/10 RAW POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS

- Have the Smackdown! crew wrestle on the show with the RAW superstars cutting taped promos from Europe in order to help the build on the go-home show for Extreme Rules.

- Show highlights from this year and promote a live RAW/Smackdown! Supershow for Friday night.

- Build an entire show around Vince McMahon cutting a promo on a volcano.

- Show footage of Triple H pedigreeing a volcano for two hours and eleven minutes of overrun.

- Don't tell the cast of MacGruber that they aren't showing up and see what they come up with.

- In fact, this is all probably a work for one sketch on RAW where MacGruber has to figure out how to get the RAW guys back in time for the show.

- A candid, intimate look at Michael Cole - the two hour shoot interview that will haunt your dreams.

- Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho 2 - Iron Man Match

- The Marine 2 - Iron Man Match with the viewers

- RAW/Impact Simulcast

- RAW/Gossip Girl Simulcast

- RAW/Shallow Hal on AMC Simulcast

- Just show static images of John Cena's crazy faces.

- Vacate the US Title since Miz is in Europe, have three guys fight for it in a cage, one guy who already wrestled in a cage earlier that night, someone wins the title, but have no title to give him because Doug Williams still has it in his duffel bag in Europe.

- Dress ring crew up as WWE Superstars and go on with the show as planned as if nothing it different.

- Just show recaps and see who can tell the difference between that and a regular RAW.

- Run a two-hour NXT with the only rookie challenge being "explain this photo, Justin Gabriel."

- Have the announcers spend way too much time on volcano puns (without fail, this will happen)

- Stan Kroenke is revealed as the volcano's "Higher Power."

I think I've provided more than enough plausible solutions should the RAW crew not be able to make it back home in time.

You can thank me later, Vince. Or MacGruber. Whoever.

TONIGHT: RAW VS. HALF OF IMPACT WEEK FIVE: LIVE... I THINK?

I forgot if TNA is airing live tonight (couldn't remember if last week was live or taped) so I went to their website to check the preview for tonight's show. At first I couldn't find anything saying it was live, until I realized it was tucked away in the description for the Team 3D/MCMG rematch for tonight.

... shouldn't the word "LIVE" be plastered all over your preview? In the headline at least? Even the first sentence would be good. You guys made a huge deal about going live and now you're not even bothering to promote it anymore.

I guess the most important thing to take home from that preview is that Impact will be airing at 8 this week instead of 9, after getting bludgeoned to death in the ratings last week.

RAW VS. IMPACT (KIND OF)

4/5/10 PREVIEW

RAW (LIVE)

Announced

Guest Host: David Otunga

... that's it I think. After coming off the best RAW since Max Mini dove onto Mini Vader from the stage, I suppose they don't need to advertise too much for this one.

Expected

Triple H tells Sheamus that it started off as business, but since he interrupted his teary-eyed speech about HBK... IT'S PERSONAL

David Otunga asks us to Google him, and I say, do it yourself you lazy a-hole.

John Cena hugs fatties, kisses babies

Won't Happen

Shawn Michaels acting a fool in a wheelchair :(

Please God

Hart Dynasty & Bret vs. ShoMiz feud continues. This is my favourite thing right now.

IMPACT (LIVE - I THINK) AT 8

Announced

Ladder Match: (With the key to the Lockdown cage door hanging) Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson

D'Angelo Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe

#1 Contenders Match for the Tag Team Titles: Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D

Tara, Angelina Love, ODB & Hamada vs. The Beautiful People & Daffney

Doug Williams hosts an X Division Gauntlet

Expected

I have no expectations

Won't Happen

Generation Me in a match, again. :(

Just some interesting info here: Anderson vs. Angle will be the 27th Ladder Match in TNA History. It'll be the 10th time a Ladder Match has appeared on Impact. It will be the 20th (I think) that ISN'T for a belt. In other words, TNA has been hanging shit above the ring for eight years for guys to grab, and have only put a belt up there like 7 times. Here's a list of crap they've hung up there:

- A wedding ring

- Kurt Angle's gold medal

- About a zillion contracts, briefcases and "FUTURE SHOTS" at belts

- A reindeer suit (Did they hang it up there? I forget)

- TNA World Beer Drinking Championship

- A key for a cage door

All of this, coupled with the whole reverse Ladder Match insanity that is King of the Mountain (pin a guy, guy goes to penalty box, you try and HANG THE BELT ON THE HOOK - then you win! And... take the belt down. DOI.) makes my balls ache for some logic in my wrestling. Here's the remedy for that:

ROH ON HDNET (TAPED)

Match Listing

MAIN EVENT

"That Young Knockout Kid" Chris Hero (with Claudio Castagnoli)

vs.

Jay Briscoe (with Mark Briscoe)

Erick Stevens vs. Pelle Primeau

Steve Corino vs. Bobby Shields

Dark City Fight Club vs. The Set

Anyway, I probably won't be doing my usual channel flipping review tonight, considering there will be barely any crossover with TNA starting at 8:00 and RAW starting at 9:15 for us Canadians.

TONIGHT: RAW VS. IMPACT - WEEK FOUR: TIME MACHINE EDITION

Seeing the nWo on one channel and Bret Hart on the other in 2010 will have an explanation tonight - Hot Tub Time Machine! Right guys?!

RAW VS. IMPACT

3/29 PREVIEW

RAW (LIVE)

Announced

Guest Hosts: Clark Duke & Rob Corddry of Hot Tub Time Machine

Expected

A ring full of grown men crying for Shawn Michaels

THE CHAMP IS HERRRRRRRRE

All kinds of fallout from WrestleMania XXVI

Won't Happen

Low-Ki debuts in a broadway against Daniel Bryan

IMPACT (TAPED) - SPOILER-FREE

Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D

Doug Williams & Brian Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore & Kazarian

First Blood: Tara vs. Daffney

AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett

Handicap Match: Jay Lethal vs. Beer Money

D'Angel Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe

Steel Cage Match: The Band vs. Eric Young, Rob Van Dam & Jeff Hardy

And Orlando Jordan does something embarrassing.

TONIGHT: RAW VS. IMPACT - WEEK THREE - LIVE!

ROH On HDNet viewers are the true winners.

Here it is:

RAW VS. IMPACT

3/22 PREVIEW

RAW (LIVE)

Announced

Guest Host: Pete Rose

Handicap Match: Triple H & Randy Orton vs. Sheamus, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase

Batista and Cena's final confrontation before WrestleMania XXVI

Expected

spear...spear...SPEAR...SPEAR SPEAR!!11!!WSPEARRRR

Some kind of MITB clusterfuck

Jillian Hall sings Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Won't Happen

Pete Rose gives Cena his WWE Hall of Fame ring because it has super powers.

IMPACT (LIVE)

Announced

You need to DVR this shit according to TNA. Does that mean they're giving up already?!

Hulk Hogan makes an announcement re: Lockdown

Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan

Tara, Sarita, Taylor Wilde, Angelina Love vs. The Beautiful People & Daffney

Expected

Rumour has it that two TNA Wrestlers will put their CAREERS on the line tonight! Because hey, you know the trend - WWE does a screwjob angle, TNA does a screwjob angle, WWE has a career threatening match at WrestleMania, TNA has a career threatening match on free TV without really announcing it.

Won't Happen

Reason and logic

Please God

Just put on some good wrestling

TONIGHT: RAW VS. IMPACT - WEEK TWO! THREE? FUCK I DUNNO

Are we counting January 4th? Brothers?

I'm not sure what it is about these Monday night back-and-forths I get excited about, but I know I'm shaking with D-Von Dudley type anticipation.

For RAW, I obviously know I'm excited to see Stone Cold, and what happens with only two RAWs to go before 'Mania. But I also know that so often I watch RAW and find myself mouthing the words along with everyone, as if I'm watching Ninja Turtles when I was eight, then I fall asleep face-down in my cereal.

For Impact, I get excited knowing I am going to see some batshit crazy batshit that will make me laugh or smack myself in the face. I'm definitely curious about Hardy/Styles, and apparently Matt Jackson jumps off of some crazy high structure, confirming my earlier prediction for the Bucks/MCMG Ultimate X Match being that it will be bonkers and probably just look like CGI. But I also know that I can't follow what's going on from week to week as a casual viewer, and I feel like I can see the writers' uncertainty right through the TV screen.

So I guess what I get excited about for having both of these shows on one night is that you can mash together both RAW and Impact, so you get your fill of the hilarity, the wrestling, the logical storylines, the illogical storylines, and all the while you get to miss most commercials.

Here's what's on for tonight:

RAW VS. IMPACT

3/15 PREVIEW

RAW (LIVE)

Announced

Guest Host: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

WrestleMania Rewind: Triple H vs. Randy Orton (XXV)

WrestleMania Rewind: World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels (XIX)

WrestleMania Rewind: John Cena vs. Unified Tag Team Champion Big Show (XX)

Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon WMXXVI Contract Signing

Expected

MITB Qualifier

Batista goes "heh heh"

Won't Happen

The Patriot runs-in during the contract signing.

Please God

Stone Cold/CM Punk segment.

IMPACT (TAPED) - SPOILER-FREE

Jeff Hardy vs. TNA World Champion AJ Styles

Beer Money vs. TNA Tag Team Champion Hernandez

Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall in a "5 Minute Challenge"

Daffney vs. Angelina Love

Kurt Angle & The Pope vs. Desmond Wolfe & Mr. Anderson

The Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart vs. Team 3D & Jesse Neal

3/8 IS THE NEW 1/4 - IMPACT VS. RAW: WHAT WILL YOU DO?

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

AGAIN! KIND OF!

Updated graphic courtesy of Mike (HumbleEmpire)

Tomorrow night TNA will throw the first second punch in the sequel to the Monday Night Wars of the 90's, that will pit David (TNA Impact) vs. Goliath (WWE RAW). Unless if there is someone even larger and more vicious than Goliath. So maybe some kind of Goliath/Godzilla/Triple H hybrid that Pedigrees people off of buildings. And David will only fight once every two weeks. Pussy.

And instead of it just being David vs. Triple Godliath, David called up everyone he knows that is fat and old, thinking for SURE that they will help him conquer this evil beast. And if those guys don't get the job done, he's got a bunch more SURPRISE old guys that he'll unleash on the beast.

Because that's all it takes to beat a giant, unstoppable beast! OLD GUYS!

David must still be reeling from his last battle.

Anyway.

This has spiralled out of control. All I meant to ask was, how will you be watching wrestling this Monday night?

I ask how instead of what, because my guess is that if you're watching wrestling tomorrow, you won't be watching just one show. It used to be that way, but it just isn't anymore.

Will you DVR Impact, watch RAW live, then watch Impact?

Or will you DVR RAW, watch Impact live, then watch RAW?

Or will you watch both live by some combination of TVs or Justin TV streams, switching the audio back and forth?

Or will you watch one and flip during commercials to try and recreate the feeling of the original Monday Night Wars?

Or will you watch ROH On HDNet and go to bed? (This is the best option for those who are not under the Thursday Raw Thursday spell)

The last time this chaos went down (Jan. 4th) I admitted to being more genuinely entertained by Impact than RAW. I put aside any thoughts of "what's good for business (because honestly, how often can you watch a show, analyze it, and THEN decide how much you enjoyed it based on what you analyzed?)", and had a hell of a lot more fun watching the insanity that was Impact, AND the fun wrestling had by the Knockout Tag Champs, and of course, AJ and Kurt.

This time around could be a hell of a lot different. But at the same time, I could just bust a gut laughing at Hogan/Abyss vs. AJ/Flair and enjoy that more than whatever RAW puts together.

But I'm willing to bet I'm more into RAW, come Monday. With WrestleMania XXVI shaping up to continue the "every-other-year" trend of WM's (25 = crap, 24 = awesome, 23 = crap, 22 = awesome, 21 = crap, 20 = awesome (essentially)), I think there will be some good stuff to build to the biggest show of the year. Plus Criss Angel will freak our minds!

No matter what order you watch it in, you will see some of these things, according to the company's respective websites:

RAW PREVIEW

Announced

With your guest host... Criss Angel MINDFREAAAAK!

- John Cena vs. Vince McMahon

- Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes

Expected

- Triple H invades Sheamus' home

- Batista chuckles at John Cena

- MITB qualifier

Won't Happen

- Daniel Bryan taps the Undertaker to set up HBK/Danielson.

IMPACT PREVIEW

Announced

- Hulk Hogan & Abyss vs. AJ Styles & Ric Flair

- Sting will appear, apparently

- Surprises (surprises being announced beforehand is FUCKING hilarious)

Expected

- Rob Van Dam

- Jeff Hardy drives his car

- Shannon Moore hangs out with Jeff Hardy

Won't Happen

- The Nasty Boys apologize to everyone

ROH ON HDNET PREVIEW

Non-Spoiler Match Listing

- Claudio Castagnoli vs. Andy "Right Leg" Ridge

- Quarter Final TV Title Tournament: Kevin Steen vs. Rhett Titus

- Kings of Wrestling vs. Bravado Brothers

- Rasche Brown vs. Caleb Kay

- Quarter Final TV Title Tournament: Kenny King vs. El Generico

These live Monday nights of wrestling are turning into bi-weekly events that I am getting more and more excited for. I hope it stays that way.

RAW PREVIEW - 02/22/10: DANIEL BRYAN

THAT IS ALL. GET PSYCHED UP.

From PWInsider:

Daniel Bryan, formerly Bryan Danielson, will make his on-screen debut tonight on Raw. The former ROH Champion will appear in a backstage vignette with The Miz.

The vignette is being done to promote the debut of NXT on SyFy tomorrow night.

There was talk about doing another angle on the show with the two as well, but at this time it hasn't been confirmed.

RAW PREVIEW 02/15/10:

I expect some wacky slapstick tonight!

TONIGHT'S GUEST HOST

JERRY SPRINGER

There's some potential in tonight's show, with Springer being a legit WWE fan, matches being advertised BEFORE the show begins (wow!), and this being the final show before Sunday's Elimination Chamber.

There is also potential for a spoof of Jerry's show, which could go either way (not funny or funny for all the wrong reasons).

CHAMBER PREVIEW MATCH

Triple H vs. John Cena

CHAMBER PREVIEW MATCH

WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

CHAMBER PREVIEW MATCH

Kofi Kingston vs. Ted DiBiase