I AM WEARING A T-SHIRT OF THE UNDERTAKER RIDING A HORSE

And I can't think of a title for this blog.

Since I haven't said or done anything in a while, I'm going to be live-tweeting tonight's pay-per-view, WWE: TLC (which stands for tables, ladders and chairs - or, as my girlfriend hilariously thought, tape, ladders and chairs. To be fair, they might as well throw tape in there. Or any home renovation item, now that they've combined sledgehammers and ladders. Add tape. Maybe a sabre saw. Maybe toss Triple H a softball and include some caulk).

I am most excited for three things tonight:

1. Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T

Cody Rhodes' maniacal laugh is the most accidentally infectious laugh since that time there was a gas leak in the hallway. His laugh is exactly as funny as Tony Atlas' DURHURHUR laugh at David Otunga was unfunny. I love Cody Rhodes. And I love Booker T excitedly ploughing through the English language to try and explain whether his issue with Cody Rhodes is personal or not. I hope this somehow leads to a Goldust/Cody match at WrestleMania, but if it only leads to Cody Rhodes saying he's coming for Booker T, nigga, than that's okay too.

2. Big Show vs. Mark Henry

I am mentally bracing myself for several minutes of ankle holding and hilarious Big Show selling. I'm curious if Daniel Bryan will get involved, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I will hold my breath until I fall off my couch and hit my head on my coffee table if Big Show wins though. Hopefully I can revive myself soon enough for the Smackdown where he would inevitably come out like the world's largest male cheerleader, whooping and doing his big annoying rain-dance with the title. I hate "fired-up so happy to be here C'MON YEAH" Big Show.

3. Kevin Nash vs. Triple H

Ho man. If this isn't filled to the brim with crazy method-acting Triple H, and tons of Kevin Nash heavy-breathing ladder-climbing, this'll be the last Tape Ladders and Chairs I ever order. This has so much potential because the match makes no sense. It's a ladder match, so it's no disqualification. Climb the ladder to get the sledgehammer, and then you can use it. Why not just bring another sledgehammer to the ring? Why not fucking sabre saw Triple H to death? Why would you even risk climbing that stupid ladder, either of you, given the history of your tissue-paper quads?! Just each of you push a shopping cart of sledgehammers to the ring and start sword-fighting.

Anyway, I'm excited to take in what surely has to be the oldest ladder match ever.

I'm also looking forward to Punk/ADR/Miz, but more for the spectacle of it all than the actual match, if that makes any sense.

Before I go, a couple things (starting a new list of things here):

1. Go play Razor (of Fair To Flair and Kick-Out!! fame)'s WWE 12 story - Zack Ryder vs. The U.S. I just started, and it's been fun as heck so far (already one Community reference!).

2. The third Fair To Flair Quarterly is coming out soon, and it'll be a "best of" 2011. I went through all of my Raw reviews from this year and picked out my favourite parts for the issue. I was tempted to include the truly hilarious things I said in previous reviews, such as "Alex Riley has some serious fire" and "Dolph Ziggler's new haircut will benefit him in the long run" (both ACTUAL THINGS I said [sheeeee]) but decided to keep that horrible shame to myself.

3. LASTLY, and maybe most importantly, I have to give a super belated shout-out to Andrew Johnson of The John Report. His Headlines are always really funny and entertaining, and his articles are on my list of wrestling sites to visit daily. Earlier this year he also wrote an awesome Night of Champions Best/Worst at With Leather in place of Brandon Stroud, which was hilarious, especially given the shoes he had to fill there.

He's also been saying way too nice things about me for a while now, so thanks for that, feller. Follow this man on Twitter.

Speaking of Twitter, join me on Twitter (@pizzabodyslam) (TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER) for all of my live-tweets (TWITTER TWITTER), which I'll be doing shirtless and glistening whilst taking deliberate sips from a hot beverage thermal mug. JOIN ME.

TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TITTY TWISTER TWITTER

AS IF WE NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE CM PUNK

This is what he tweeted to John Cena just a little bit ago:

Gotta give credit to Fuck Yeah Cenation for posting this on tumblr, which is where I spend too much time creepin'.

ARE MY ALL OF MY PREMONITIONS COMING TRUE?

Or is that the actual definition of premonition? What is the definition of premonition? I need to stop rhyming because this is turning into a Savage Garden song. I'm too lazy to look it up, but let me just continue on as if I know what the word means.

Just today, WWE.com announced that famous troll woman Snooki will be hosting RAW next week. Naturally, everybody complained and then everybody else told them to calm down. But let's talk about the most important part - how I predicted this trend almost a year ago.

I proposed an idea for a wrestling character based on a Jersey Shore "dancing asshole." It wasn't long until Robbie E debuted in TNA, J-WOWW and Angelina started appearing on Impact, and now Snooki is hosting RAW. I'm a fucking genius!

And tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin is hosting RAW. It was almost exactly a year ago to the day when Austin last hosted RAW, and I had prayed for a CM Punk/Stone Cole showdown of some kind. It didn't end up happening. But earlier today, Punk had this to say on Twitter:

TWO FOR TWO.

Even my girlfriend is in on this premonition business. I should warn you that I'm about to both spoil the movie Hall Pass (uh, a small part of it), and talk about penises. This is your chance to stop reading. Or continue reading if you enjoy Owen Wilson and male genitalia.

...

Looks like you're a fan! Okay, so the other night, my girlfriend had a really weird dream. She dreamt that she was at a party, walked into the bathroom, and saw two people, both African American (it's important to the story, I swear!) one male, one female, naked in the tub, with the guy just awkwardly rubbing his penis on the girl's face. Yep. You know that now. You can't not know that now.

So then later that night we went and saw Hall Pass. There is a scene when Owen Wilson is in a jacuzzi at a gym, falls asleep, and gets rescued by a big naked black man, and Owen's head gets nuzzled right up near his giant penis.

Tub. Big black penis. Right by the face. PREMONITION.

Did you need to know this? Certainly not. But we were freaking out in the theatre, and I felt the need to share it with you.

Please still come to my blog.

The end.

HOLY DAMNIT I LOVE TWITTER

Sometimes, Twitter, I despise you. You suck me in for hours at a time. And if I've got tumblr and email and YouTube all rockin' tabs at the same time, it's like a gang of sweaty dorks beating me into Internet submission.

But then there are times like this where I thank Bret Hart for bringing us into the Computer Age:

WOW. The image of X-Pac in full gear "throwing a few women" in the shower and ordering them to shave their pubic hair before he let's them X-Factor him makes me fall down laughing.

SO LONG, SUNSHINE: WILLIAM REGAL TO RETIRE (SOON)

Which I guess is a headline you could do for anybody. "John Morrison to Retire (someday, probably)".

But William Regal did announce at the RAW house show from London's O2 Arena that this current tour of the UK would likely be his last, as you can see for yourself in this video (originally found on Arda Ocal of Right After Wrestling's Twitter):

What may be the saddest thing (to me at least... I get emotional when wrestlers retire, okay?!/?!) is how close Regal was to the main event right before his second wellness strike. He was the King of the Ring, he was the RAW GM, and he was doing crazy shit like pulling RAW off the air and turning the lights off in the main events and generally drawing some serious heat. It really seemed like he was on his way to a legitimate push towards the World Title picture.

I had no idea of his struggle with drugs earlier in his career until I watched the McMahon DVD a few weeks ago. In the extras, Regal explains how fucked up he was when he started with the WWF and how Vince essentially turned his life around for him by firing him, and always offering a spot back in the company (and maybe he got him into rehab too, I kinda forget). Either way it's a really powerful interview that shows a side of him I'd never seen before. Well, obviously. I guess he wouldn't just show up on RAW after drinking Jericho's urine and be like, "ah yes, clean urine... I once had clean urine..." and break down crying.

Regal's done so much in his career it's fucking crazy. He's been wrestling for 27 years, won over 60 titles around the world and had a big hand in training the best wrestler in the world (not Skip Sheffield). He's also been one of the best stiff-looking, but not actually stiff-wrestling wrestlers ever, as evidenced in this match against Lance Storm where he goes absolutely batshit crazy, but Storm has mentioned on his website that he didn't feel a thing (if I remember correctly).

I hope he gets some kind of sweet sendoff. Maybe tearing the house down with Daniel Bryan, or getting some kind of title shot... whatever it is, I hope it's not taking a way-too-obvious blade job from Triple H, because that's been done already.

Here's to the reigning King of the Ring. Let's hope that once you do retire, you'll be just making Bryan Danielson clones in FCW. Instead of the default SVR CAW clones they've been churning out. We gotta change that clone setting. It's killing me. Killing. Me.

I'M GOING AWAY TO FIND MY SMILE (FOR LIKE A WEEK)

Well there's uh, one thing about me is I can't do anything halfway and I, and I come here and I hear the people and they chant uh, TH's name or they chant Steve's name or they chant a lot of people's names, and one thing's for sure, you're going to have all of that in the future, um, and that's what I want for PIZZABODYSLAM fans. In spite of, uh, what people may think about me, what I've always wanted for all these people is, is for them to have a good time reading my blog and to enjoy themselves. I've always tried to be the one to provide it whether it was on the funny side or the smarky side. But what was always important to me was the writing, was the writing so that these people, each time they reached into their bookmarks, they clicked on my name, they didn't regret it because they knew that if they saw my name in the URL they could laugh, they could sit and agree or disagree and they could do whatever they wanted as long as they had a good time.

I know we're in the middle of a time where opinionated writing is real big here in the IWC, and unfortunately all I've got right now for you is a lot of sorrow, a lot of tears, and a lot of emotion. I don't have any opinionated writing for anybody, so I guess, here you go, here's your blog (hands blog over to Vince).

And I have you to thank, and I have everybody here to thanks, and it means a lot to me and, uh, I'm gonna go to my cottage now. Okay? (hugs Vince and Gorilla Monsoon).

fin

Guys, never fear. I'll find my smile. In like a week. Just going to a cottage, as you may have guessed from my Shawn Michaels' speech. Funnily enough, I got the idea to write this absurd smile-losing speech about going away for a week and thought it'd be funny if I used the exact wording that Shawn did, but I was too lazy to transcribe it myself and surely no one has actually already done that, right? WRONG - you can count on the internet for ANYTHING! Thanks to Forever Shawn for already transcribing this speech for some unknown reason.

I'll be gone until the 29th, but, in my place, as you may have noticed me mention on Twitter, I'll be scheduling tweets ahead of time. So I will be still active, but it'll be like a ghost or time travel or some crazy shit.

I love pre-scheduling tweets (thank you HootSuite!). It's ridiculously fun and I don't even know why. So I'll be tweeting old blogs and new thoughts and all kinds of stuff while I'm takin' 'er easy at the old cottage. It's good to know that I can still talk about wrestling on the internet while I'm half in the bag in a canoe somewhere. Science knows no bounds!

So no new content on the blog for about a week, but plenty of tweets and reblogs and fake reactions to what's going on on RAW or whatever show, all from my Twitter feed.

Vince McMahon: Ladies and gentlemen... SHAWN MICHAELS PIZZABODYSLAM!!

JR: Well I'll tell ya folks, 25 years I've been doing this and I... I've never, I have never had the pain in my gut that I have right now. Good luck to you. Good luck to you.

DOLPH ZIGGLER REALLY IS WRESTLING'S DIRK DIGGLER!

I don't know how I missed this, considering I friggin' LIVE on Twitter, but I found this pretty funny.

Check out this back-and-forth between Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler and Internet Pornography's Asa Akira:

@RealZiggler: Favorite Movie:Caddyshack or The Perfect Marriage (courtesy of Brazzers) Best Actress: Asa Akira

@AsaAkira: A WWE wrestler likes my porn. There's a boy who dumped me in 9thgrade who would shit his pants if he knew. Thank u @RealZiggler

@RealZiggler: I WILL BE SINGING ON THE LOPEZ TONIGHT SHOW, MONDAY NIGHT! IF YOU HATE ME, DONT MISS IT HAHAHA (MY SONG IS DEDICATED TO @ASAAKIRA)

@AsaAkira: (but the question is, r u too sexy for this BJ) RT @Real Ziggler: @AsaAkira- hope you enjoyed OUR song on TheLopezTonightShow, TONIGHT on TBS

@RealZiggler: Li-Lo, Back to Bikini Bottom! And Looking for a NEW Bed! @AsaAkira You like hard or soft? ;)

@AsaAkira: @RealZiggler hard, duh : )

@RealZiggler: Big red carpet event for WWE Summerslam Friday night in Hollywood, is @AsaAkira too sexy to be my guest? ;)

@AsaAkira: @RealZiggler I'm so in! Hahaaa!!

Dolph is going METHOD with his gimmick.

Maybe WWE will get so PG that it'll come back full circle and go XXX (that's not full circle, but you know what I mean, right guys?!). Then we can replace Vickie Guerrero on Dolph's arm with Asa Akira. Good trade off, I'd say.

WHY THIS TNA/HOGAN/ TWITTER FIASCO IS A WORK

If you don't know what I'm talking about, head over to Cageside Seats who have a pretty thorough recap.

WHO IS @TNANONYMOUS?

IT'S TNA-A-WORKING-US!

Photo - TNAWrestling.com

Pun - me. sorry.

I can't be the first one to say this and truly believe it, but if I am, then U HERD IT HERE FIRSTTT.

First of all, I just don't fucking believe it. I don't believe that Eric Bischoff and Hogan's bestest bud Bubba the Love Sponge would just start declaring that this account is real, for no reason. Literally. No reason. What reason could Bischoff or Bubba have been given to follow this account, instead of any of the other countless fake Hogan accounts that pop up? None.

Unless if the reason was for a lot of people to follow the fake account so everyone could see the bogus tweets that were about to happen, thus putting this work into motion.

Hogan didn't say anything about it to E and BTLS, obviously, and these dudes are closer than brothers, brother! Why would they jump all over this without consulting the Hulkster? And while I do find Bubba to be exceptionally stupid, I don't find him or Bisch stupid enough to just declare a completely and obviously fake Hogan account as real and tell the world to follow it.

Plus, why the fuck would Bubba tweet about a meeting with Hogan, and tweet TO Hogan about the meeting they just had WHEN THEY WERE JUST THERE TOGETHER. Surely Bubba would've said to Hogan, who was allegedly right beside him, "hey, ur on twitter now right? i'ma tweet u. bubba." and Hogan would say, "no i am not on a twitter whats a twitter, jack"

Not only that, but TNA has already had this account overturned AND are promoting Hogan joining Twitter on Impact. So, they're taking this story and putting it on TV already. And I'm pretty sure it takes a little longer to take control of a fake account. WWE try to get rid of fakes for fucking weeks, if not longer, and they're WWE. The speed of this was insane, and seemed like it was done this way to create an intentional buzz.

Which brings me to my other reason. TNA love this whole "buzz for the wrong reason" approach. Whether it's bringing Hogan's fat friends into TNA, or putting ECW wrestlers' interests above the company's, or orchestrating a phony Twitter account story to get them buzz on the dirtsheets for their next episode, they love this stuff. It also screams of Eric Bischoff and how he loves working the internet for fun.

This idea definitely sounds like it's leading to a "WHO IS THE TNANONYMOUS DISGRUNTLED WRESTLER?!?!" It sounds like a storyline that TNA would do, because they, like WCW did, loves the "who's side is he on?!" "who's the mystery masked man?!" "but why did he do it?!" "who is the disgruntled wrestler on Twitter?!?lol?" bullshit-whodunnit type of angles that essentially are just done because they don't know how to tell a story without being like "but there will be surprises, promise!" Which is also bullshit, because advertising surprises defeats the whole goddamn purpose (but that's a whole other rant).

Here's what I am guessing will happen:

Hogan shows up on Impact, says some "dudes" and "brothers," maybe he addresses a current storyline or whatever, but then eventually he explains that he's joining Twitter. He makes an inside joke/crack at the whole debacle that went on yesterday, and that's about it.

But eventually, be it the next show, or a little ways down the road, the whole "disgruntled employee" thing starts playing out on the show. People start wondering who it is, wrestlers keep getting "misused" and "screwed" and there is a TNA originals V. brass storyline that ultimately goes nowhere.

I really do think this is all a work. Maybe even some of the things we've been reading online have been embellished or even worked as well (Joe yelling at Russo, Styles complaining about dropping the belt, etc.). This TNAnonymous guy is essentially outlining a feud on Twitter, saying he'll reveal his identity in October when his contract is up, along with 14 other upset wrestlers' contracts. Hmm… so he begins with an initial conflict (fake Twitter fiasco), challenges an opponent (Hogan, Dixie, Bischoff), sets a date for this to be resolved (October) with a stipulation (loser leaves TNA).

...

Sounds like a storyline to me!

And I also don't believe the hilarity that a real human TNA wrestler actually thought the best way to go about solving his issues in the workplace was to create a fake Hulk Hogan account on Twitter and go fucking postal with it. Not only that, but he managed to convince Hogan's closest friends that it was legit.

It's a work. It's hilarious how quickly the wrestling media bit on this one. But I will admit, done the right way, working people on Twitter would be AMAZING. But this just isn't subtle at all.

Also, Bound For Glory is in October. Worth mentioning. And apparently Hogan's contract expires in October. Holy jeepers is this a work.

I almost hate writing this and pointing it out, in case people are buying into it and getting excited. There's nothing worse than someone ruining the ending of a good book. Except TNA isn't a good book, it's more of a shitty remake of a bad movie you would sometimes watch but never really got into because the ring was too small and made a weird noise and Tony Schiavone was annoying.

If I'm wrong you have permission to post things like "lol" and "butthurt" and "U MAD" in the comments section.

The end!

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM THE VIPER!!!

via FYeah!WWE

KURT ANGLE IS ON TWITTER?

And this is his picture?

Follow Kurt Angle on Twitter

And how have I not heard of THIS?!:

I wish the commercial went a little more like this.

SHAWN MICHAELS TO BEGIN USING THE INTERNET!

As originally tweeted by NoDQ.com:

I don't know why I find this so exciting but I sure FRIGGIN' do. I look forward to getting more videos of Shawn Michaels firing a crossbow then speaking to me.

He's come such a long way since...

And now Matt Hardy has some company on YouTube (which is extremely needed because he appears to be going completely insane). Maybe we'll get some Matt Hardy/Shawn Michaels video responses back and forth. Or maybe this is the thing that's going to change Matt Hardy's life!

UPDATE: And he's on Twitter! And Facebook! EEE!

CM PUNK LOVES REPRESENTING HIS FAVOURITE WRESTLERS

As evidenced by this photo recently RT'd by Sara del Rey:

And this famous shot of him repping Colt Cabana:

And that time he revealed how much he likes Jeff Hardy:

Photo - WWE.com

WWE BANS GLOVES!

Or maybe just Dolph Ziggler's gloves. That brings our list of total banned items to...

BANNED FROM WWE

- Dolph Ziggler's gloves

- Chops

- Piledrivers

- Unprotected chairshots to the head

- Bleeding by blading

- Bleeding by accident

- Bleeding to make a match better

- Jim Ross' voice

- Footage of Shawn Michaels

- Hulk Hogan

- Ric Flair

- Neckties

- Spitting in John Cena's face

- Matt Hardy's ego

- Regular boring old SummerSlam baseball caps

- There was a time when guns weren't even banned, guys

Strangely enough, they lifted their Randy Savage ban.

RANDY ORTON ON TWITTER: #1 TRENDING TOPIC WORLDWIDE

What even brought this on?! I knew he was red hot right now (people react to him like a goddamn slam dunk contest), but this is insane. People are going to be thinking he's dead for a few hours now, but really, he's just over. That's pretty incredible.

So was his RKO to Evan Bourne, which I never posted, and you've seen probably more times than Matt Striker's made-up move names on the fly. BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY.

ATTN: TYLER BLACK HATERZ

Photo - Tyler Black's Blog

I have never been shy about my hate for Tyler Black haters (I'm a Tyler Black hater hater!), but as of late, the hate has died down a bit (and rightfully so). Tyler has put on some incredible matches as of late, winning and defending his ROH World Title on iPPV.

But if there are any of you still out there, here is what I propose for you:

Go fuck yourself.

Jokes! Seriously though, I suggest you check out his blog/formspring/twitter/official website/etc.

I've always been a Tyler Black fan, but reading his blog definitely gave me a better look at what he's actually like. He says some funny shit, makes fun of himself, and he talks to his fans, which is always cool.

Examples:

From his blog:

-Songs I am liking right now: "Kids in Love" by Mayday Parade, "Soul Sister" by Train, "Live Like You're Dying" by Kris Allen, "Starting Over" by Killswitch Engage, and as much as it pains me to say this because I thoroughly hate her guts "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. I hate myself.

From his blog, re: the new ROH World Title:

The belt is actually gold, which is great because now I can refer to it as such in promos without looking like a dummy.

From his Formspring:

So I was just wondering.. how big is your weiner?

Well actually I have a yorkie. And he's big. A fat boy at about 7 pounds.

And finally, from his Twitter, in response to Jimmy Jacobs posting this picture:

Oh man I miss that hat! And those days...I was probably 17 years old. Shoulda been out chasing

I just think that the people who trash him need to stop thinking about Gabe's Book of Secrets (I've never seen it) and what was "s'poseda happen!!!!1" (to be squealed aloud in nerd rage), and just start watching his matches as the exciting as hell wrestler and seemingly legitimately cool guy he is.

I really hope as his young career progresses (remember, he's only 23 - two months older than me) that his personality starts blending with his wrestling persona more, and we get a more natural Tyler Black in promos and stuff.

In other Tyler Black news, he'll be defending his ROH World Title tonight in Chicago against Chris Hero in the main event of a completely stacked card. Check it:

MAIN EVENT #1 - ROH WORLD TITLE MATCH

Champion Tyler Black

VS.

Challenger, ROH World Tag Team Champion "That Young Knockout Kid" Chris Hero

MAIN EVENT #2 - COME-AS-YOU-ARE STREET FIGHT

Colt Cabana & El Generico

VS.

Steve Corino & Kevin Steen

PICK 6 CHALLENGE MATCH

(1) Roderick Strong VS. (4) Davey Richards

TAG TEAM CHALLENGE

The Briscoe Brothers VS. Austin Aries & Kenny King

SPECIAL ATTRACTION

ROH World TV Champion Eddie Edwards VS. The Metal Master

FINAL COUNTDOWN TOUR: CHICAGO REMATCH

Petey Williams VS. "Addicted To Love" Rhett Titus

TAG TEAM ACTION

The House of Truth VS. Erick Stevens & Shawn Daivari

PLUS

"Skullkrusher" Rasche Brown, The Dark City Fight Club & "New Horror" Sami Callihan