03/07/11 RAW REVIEW: G RATED FILTH (AND STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD)

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a real dragonzord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Jason edited this jumbled mess of links and swear words, so kudos to him. On with the show.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN (AND JBL) AUSTIN

I love wrestling. I wish I could storm into any meeting where someone is signing a contract, beat the crap out of everyone in the room and sign my name on the dotted line — as if that would ever be legally binding in any way — and then go long for some flying beers on the way out.

Michael Cole, on a regular day, is a giant douche. But when it’s time for him to get in the ring and gloat about something, or trick you into thinking Stone Cold Steve Austin is his guest referee, or slam the entire state you’re from, or SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, he is such a COCK. That is the most eloquent way I can put it, because it can’t be put any other way. Add in JBL, who plays such a perfect, long-winded bastard (and he delivered one of my favourite anti-hometown heel promos maybe I’ve ever seen, as it seemed so effortless and completely not forced at all), and you have me foaming at the mouth for a Stone Cold Stunner OH WAIT HERE HE COMES STONE COLD STONE COLD WJLHK

But the stand-out, hands-down, bottom line (because I said so) best part about this entire segment was Michael Cole’s pathetic, hoarse, begging and pleading into the headset for Austin not to sign the contract. In fact it was so good, I’m going to re-watch it right now (edit: I watched it and yes, it was still so good).

This segment was hard to even write about because I liked it so much, and prefer it as something I get giddy watching on the couch by myself like the cool guy I am.

JOHN CENA = GOOFY, BUT RIGHT. THE MIZ = VERY SERIOUS, AND ALSO RIGHT.

No matter how silly and prop-based and titantron-aided John Cena’s rap was, his main point can’t be argued. This has always been about John Cena calling The Rock out for leaving the business he claims he loves. Even if Cena’s response on Monday was riddled with G-rated filth, The Rock cut a taped promo from his house about how he loves the WWE after saying he is “never, ever going away.” And no matter how much I didn’t believe that when he said it, it’s still cannon fodder for Cena (when he’s not talking about ejaculating on people).

Speaking of Cena - hey John, here’s jizz mud in your eye! Because you sure looked dumb getting beatdown by The Miz to close Raw. There’s nothing like watching you bring a pearl necklace, a photoshopped picture and a homemade T-shirt to the ring to help illustrate all of the different ways you want semen and poop and The Rock to all interact, and then get clobbered by the guy you’re actually wrestling at WrestleMania.

This really sold the fact that The Miz has been an afterthought in this Rock/Cena business, and he’s the WWE Champion going in to WrestleMania. And while the Rock did bring it “via satellite,” The Miz just plain brought it in the form of beating up his opponent. Well done.

NO, I NEVER THOUGHT DOLPH ZIGGLER WAS FIRED FOR REAL EITHER

But I sure am glad to have him back blinding and maiming John Morrison in various ways. Poor JoMo. He didn’t make it on TV last week, and this week he gets poked in the eye and kicked in the leg — something that seems to happen to him pretty often.

Dolph Ziggler is the man. He lives his gimmick, and I’ve mentioned before that he’s my favourite guy to watch fall down on purpose (or “take a bump” for those of you in the know! Also, I think “heel” means “bully”). I’m happy to see that he has a shot to be a part of WrestleMania in a non-19-man Money In The Bank kinda way.

Honourable Mention: Seeing those we didn’t expect to see.

Sin Cara. Christian. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Sunny. Kevin Kelly. I like surprises. And I’m not one of those people who complains about the brand split not being honoured or whatever. I think those people just like pointing out they know things. Well, I know things too. For example, WWE has had more people attend their shows yearly than the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals, and my birthday combined.

BONUS HONOURABLE MENTION: The music.

First, Johnny Cash sings Undertaker’s new theme song (check out a fine discussion about that here). And then last night, the Bobby Hebb song “Sunny” was used in Sunny’s Hall of Fame induction video. This song has been done by everyone, from Dusty Springfield to Marvin Gaye to Nick Cave. I love when WWE uses music that isn’t done by a band called Wretch Machine or Killbang or whatever other shitty band no one’s heard of until they do the Official Theme Song for WWE Fatal 4-Way.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

CAN SHEAMUS PLEASE FIND A NICE MIDDLE GROUND?

If he’s not getting kicked in the balls and Pedigree’d so hard that he’s both literally and figuratively buried, he’s tweaking his ankle in a losing effort against Daniel Bryan and still somehow getting a U.S. Title shot next week (which he’ll win). I have a friend who will set his dick on fire if Snooki counts that pinfall. Is that what you want, WWE? It’s not my fault I have irrational friends, but it is your fault that you’re making Sheamus like a helpless dope who can’t defend himself. And now you’re bringing the best wrestler in the world into this. And maybe Snooki. But that’s entirely made up on my account. So that’s my fault. But the other stuff —not my fault.

G-RATED FILTH

Whenever John Cena makes a joke using words that are clean for PG television, but the meanings are not, this is all I can think of:

“Every time I do a TV show, um, and I have a line like that, the producers never say to me ‘DON’T SAY THAT.’ Because I wouldn’t say it, I know you couldn’t say that on TV. They always say ‘could you think of a cute G-rated way to say that so we can broadcast it?’ There’s nothing more offensive and disturbing to me than G-rated filth. Like, what is worse: ‘I wanna fuck your wet pussy’ or ‘I’m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!’ Which, right there, that’s totally G-rated. You can say that on TV. It’s fucking horrifying. That’s what you say to a girl you have in a pit in the bottom of your basement as you’re lowering stuff in a basket. ‘When Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints!’ All right, again, all that was totally fucking G-rated.” - Patton Oswalt on G-rated filth

MASON RYAN AND DAVID OTUNGA

I wish someone would make Mason Ryan a trolley or something so we never have to watch him twinkle-toe spring to the ring again. Thankfully, Randy Orton has taken care of David Otunga’s lip-biting by bouncing his brain of the inside of his skull with a punt to the head.

I just can’t take these two guys seriously. They both look like cartoon muscle men they’re so jacked, but somehow I look at them and think they couldn’t harm a fly. I’m just happy that CM Punk will get to stand on his own at WrestleMania (or at the very least, just with Mason Ryan) and not be brought down by these orange (green?) dum dums any longer.

Honourable Mention: I’ll never get a CM Punk/Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, will I?

It’s all I want you guys. All I want.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Footnotes of Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

02/28/11 RAW REVIEW: JOHN "FULL OF HATE" CENA

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a megazord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr, because we can't stop finding websites to blabber about wrestling on. Links at the end of the post. ALRIGHT ON WITH IT

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/28/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

TRIPLE H: A PROMO WITH EMOTION (OR PINK EYE, CAN’T TELL)

I’m willing to admit that one of the things that make me cry is seeing another man cry (I’m not trying to bait John Cena into attacking me, I swear). It’s then infinitely amplified when I see a pro wrestler crying. Shawn Michaels’ retirement speech last year was worse than when my cat died. Triple H wasn’t anywhere near HBK territory (I was tempted to write “tear-itory, but thought better of myself) — in fact I may have been more invested in Dolph Ziggler’s Twitter farewell — but I felt like there was some truth behind what THE DESTROYER was saying. Besides the fact that he said he has “no challenges left,” and then kicked the nuts of the guy who put him out of action for nine months.

EVAN BOURNE

He was on TV for maybe ninety seconds, but it was like a breath of fresh air (Bourne!)… I’m looking at a pun per paragraph here. When a healthy chunk of your roster are being churned out of FCW with seemingly no experience elsewhere, it’s always exciting to watch Evan Bourne wrestle on Raw. I typically reach my stomp-quota about a half-hour into the show, but when Bourne appears on my TV screen moving with the kind of speed that a real fight takes place in, I get FIRED UP. Guys like Bourne, Bryan, Punk, Del Rio, Regal, and anyone who doesn’t wrestle that super generic style, are SO necessary on this show. I don’t need to see a Pumphandle Neckbreaker Piledriver-Valley-Driver-Driver or anything, but I like having some kind of variety on the show.

WHAT D’YA THINK OF THAT LAWLER

How Michael Cole can bring such real emotion and intensity to a promo (and a feud in general, be it against Daniel Bryan or Jerry Lawler), but offer none of that on commentary (prior to his heel persona) is perplexing to me. He is so perfectly irritating and annoying and self-important and everything a character like him should be, that I literally can’t even fully appreciate it when I watch him, because all I can think about is punching his face inside out. Here’s a sign of how much heat Michael Cole has: Jack Swagger, a former World Champion, is getting a rub from Michael Cole, the announcer. CRAZY.

Honourable Mention: The hype of WrestleMania.

This show had a crazy amount of stuff going for it, and it’s all thanks to the hype of WrestleMania. The Rock’s response to John Cena, Shawn Michaels commenting on the Triple H/Undertaker match (which was a very well-done package, the kind I’d love to see more of to hype big matches), the announcements of Sin Cara’s signing and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s return to Raw next week (which was accompanied by a video of Austin beating the crap out of Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner and Eric Bischoff), a steel-cage match, Evan Bourne making his return — a lot of big, “newsworthy” things happened on this show. There wasn’t a ton of wrestling to be had, but that’s cool with me (as long as I get interested in the matches for WrestleMania). So…

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/28/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA IS GETTING FOGGY

With all of those things on ONE show, how did this Raw end up so… bad?

Last week everything seemed so clear. Triple H wants Undertaker’s streak. The Miz and John Cena don’t take Rock’s words kindly. Randy Orton and CM Punk don’t like each other. John Morrison actually appeared on television.

But this week, I feel way more confused. There were a TNA-amount of sneak attacks on the show. Alex Riley was the fifth person “fired” in like two weeks time. And can anyone tell me in less than two sentences just what the FUCK this Miz/Cena feud featuring The Rock (or Cena/Rock feud featuring The Miz) is about?

It seems so scatterbrained. The Miz is trying to be taken seriously, and now doing things, like attacking Daniel Bryan, because “he can.” John Cena is mad at The Miz, and I thought Michael Cole (“your boy is done”), for eliminating him from the Royal Rumble, but also for winning and losing the Tag Titles with him. But he’s not too mad, even though he got deathly serious at the Rumble, because he’s cracking jokes and putting his arm around Miz and all that good stuff. But he’s also upset at The Rock for leaving us, and Miz is upset at The Rock for overlooking him. So Cena baits Miz into a match that got Alex Riley “fired” as his assistant, and Miz attacked him.

Reads like a classic, doesn’t it?

The Onion has a Raw review up (thanks to FTF contributor K. Sawyer Paul for pointing me to this) that talks about the difficulty of reviewing “unfinished stories” like you would when covering a TV series or a wrestling show that is leading to a bigger payoff (like WrestleMania). While this Miz/Cena feud is certainly an unfinished story, I feel like most good stories have me hooked by this point.

SHEAMUS TOOK A LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE KICK IN THE NUTS

“Alright Sheamus, I know we had you put Triple H out of action for nine months, but tonight you’re going to go out there and get kicked in the balls and pedigreed through a table so hard that it launches Michael Cole’s water bottle in the air and after that you’ll be pinned by the guy we used to make you look good for all of last year, sound good — it doesn’t matter if it sounds good! Haha, oh I’m glad the Rock’s back, aren’t you? Next week we’ll have him kick you in the nuts - it’s your new gimmick, cool? — It doesn’t matter if it’s cool! Oh man I’m hilarious. You’re fired.” - Vince McMahon (not really).

I’m not going to say anything besides that that was pretty crazy. He kicked him in the balls! It would’ve been one thing if he just attacked him, but he literally kicked him in the balls like it was the punchline to a joke. But I’m sure Sheamus will be back doing Sheamus-like stuff next week, so I won’t get too worked up about it. I’ve got better things to worry about, like calling in to a radio show to get cursed at by Michael Cole.

JOHN CENA AND GAY JOKES

I need to come back to Cena for this one.

This Cena/Miz promo probably should’ve been as wordless as the Triple H/Undertaker promo from last week. And, I’m being 100% serious, the Triple H/Undertaker promo was way the fuck funnier than this one.

I don’t know how to come at this any other way, but John Cena needs to reel in the gay jokes. Richard Flynn of Bored Wrestling Fan wrote an article addressing Cena’s remarks that raised a lot of good points, which you should definitely check out.

But did anyone else find John Cena’s comment to The Miz, “… do you really want to look back years from now and realize you shared your legacy with another man?” to be particularly offensive, or at least out of place? Maybe it’s because no one laughed. Maybe it’s because there was no wit whatsoever. He didn’t tie in Rock’s movies to a “Brokeback Mountain” joke this time, he just plainly stated, essentially, that The Miz should regret being a homosexual. He also made a bukakke joke that went over everyone’s heads (mine included). Just… weird.

All of those remarks definitely seemed a lot more hateful than they were probably intended to be, because the jokes bombed big time. Still, it’s probably not the best idea to have your company’s biggest name making awkward gay jokes in 2011. Can’t we just go back to Bret Hart complaining about Shawn Michaels showing his “navel”?!

Honourable Mention: #IWantWrestling

While I stand by what I said earlier (not needing a ton of wrestling), I would prefer what little wrestling we get on this promo-heavy Road to WrestleMania to be good. There was a longer match between Orton and McGuillicutty, who can’t really cut (I almost wrote McGuillicut, but then thought better of myself) the greatest pace. There was a Divas Battle Royal that took place in fast-forward and ended in Eve selling a Bella twin attack like the plague. There was a steel-cage match between John Cena and Alex Riley, and the highlight was Cena and Miz wrestling a door.

Thankfully, I got my wrestling fill for about a year from ROH’s 9th Anniversary Show. You got lucky this time, Raw. LUCKY.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Footnotes of Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON WIKIPEDIA: LAUNCHING PADS

Welp, I've done it again. It's three in the morning and my eyeballs are so dry from scouring through Wikipedia that they're scraping the backs of my eyelids. The lengths I go to for professional wrestling. Not even professional wrestling - writing on the internet about professional wrestling. Somewhere my dad is crying.

WOW that got dark fast. Okay, moving on to the post. This one is all about answering this question: what is the most successful way to launch a wrestler's career?

There are a ton of little ways to put your name on the WWE map, but there are only a few things that could be singled out as the one catalyst that sent a wrestler on his way to a World Championship. Such as...

WINNING THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

CURRENT CHAMPION: KOFI KINGSTON

Photo - WWE.com

They've always said that the Intercontinental Title is the belt you win when you're being groomed to be a World Champion. But is it a surefire way to actually become one?

Number of Intercontinental Champions: 66

Number of Intercontinental Champions that have been a WWE World Champion: 23

Success Rate: 34.8%

Believe it or not, out of all of the "launching pads" I looked at... winning the Intercontinental Championship had the lowest success rate. I guess for every Bret Hart and Chris Jericho you had about three Alberts. I was going to use Bob Holly's name in there and make fun of his "Sparky Plugg" gimmick, but I try to avoid making fun of him since he's so fucking crazy. Please don't cover me in fire ants and alcohol Thurman!

BEING THE SOLE SURVIVOR IN A SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH

LAST SOLE SURVIVOR: KOFI KINGSTON

Photo - WWE.com

When Rocky Maivia debuted at the 1996 Survivor Series and was the sole survivor in his match, he was put over so hard that my ten year old self just accepted his future as a World Champion as complete fact. I probably wrote about it in my diary. JOURNAL I MEAN. I was a big loser. Thankfully I grew up into a cool guy who has a wrestling blog with stats and percentages smattered all over it.

Number of Sole Survivors: 22

Number of Sole Survivors that have been a WWE World Champion: 8

Success Rate: 36.3%

If you can overcome the odds and win your match when your team has failed you, you might have a decent shot at becoming WWE Champion some day. But if you could manage be the sole survivor at TWO separate events, then you're literally guaranteed a world title, as every man who has that feat under their belt, has a belt. Randy Orton did it three years in a row for fuck's sake! That was a little overkill. So maybe this is how Bart Gunn could make his big comeback.

So far, the percentages have been a little low. There's gotta be a better way to get yourself on the fast track to the World Title. And there's no faster track than the bearskin rug, right?

JOINING THE KISS MY ASS CLUB

LAST MEMBER: MICK FOLEY

Photo - Life.com

I think there might be a better success rate if we could find out who the members are of the Bearskin Rug Club...

Kiss My Ass Club members: 5

Kiss My Ass Club members that have been a WWE World Champion: 2

Success Rate: 40%

To be fair, Shawn Michaels and Mick Foley had already won their World Titles before joining this esteemed club. And to be fairer, this one was a joke so let's keep moving.

BEING CROWNED KING OF THE RING

REIGNING KING: SHEAMUS

Photo - WWE.com

Now we're getting into the more proven methods. This tournament was at one time a starmaker. Bret Hart, Steve Austin, you name it. Careers get made with that crown. So do royalty based gimmicks. King Harley Race. King Booker. King Sheamus. King Stone Cold Steve Austin.

King of the Ring Winners: 18

King of the Ring Winners that have been a WWE World Champion: 9

Success Rate: 50%

BAM. Now we're talkin'. If you win the King of the Ring tournament and the guy who won it last year still hasn't captured the World Title, you're in luck FELLA. That success rate could even be bumped up by counting Harley Race as a World Champion, but he never won the WWE strap, and he won his World Titles before coming to the WWE. But that doesn't matter in my flawed study here, since I'm just counting World Champs no matter when you won it. Don't judge me.

Now, I think there's a match coming up this month that might take the cake. And I only say cake because I'm watching the Food Network and my wires are crossing.

WINNING THE ROYAL RUMBLE

LAST RUMBLE WINNER: EDGE

Photo - WWE.com

This one should be obvious. Outlasting 29 other top contenders (or, if not top contenders, then fat jobbers that get put over as "who's gonna throw HIM over the top rope?!?") and winning the Rumble automatically puts you in a World Title match, so from there, all you gotta do is win it.

Royal Rumble Winners: 20

Royal Rumble Winners that have been a WWE World Champion: 17

Success Rate: 85%

Crazy high. You have to look all the way back to 1994 to find a Royal Rumble winner who has never won a WWE World Championship, and that was Lex Luger, and he was only half a Rumble winner. But this is still not the most successful World Title "launching pad" for a wrestler...

WINNING THE MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH

LAST WINNER: THE MIZ

Photo - WWE.com

This is the newest and most foolproof way to get a World Championship around your waist, over your shoulder, dangling in your hand, or hooked on your trunks like a floppy codpiece (if you're MNM).

Money in the Bank Winners: 7

Money in the Bank Winners that have been a WWE World Champion: 6

Success Rate: 85.7%

Mr. Kennedy really fucked that one up. So, technically, cashing in a Money in the Bank Briefcase is where it's at. But there's actually an even better method to guaranteeing a World Championship for yourself, and you don't have to go and beat the crap out of yourself in a fifty man ladder match or whatever it is:

BEING STRAIGHT-EDGE

THE ONLY THREE TIME STRAIGHT-EDGE WORLD CHAMPION IN WWE HISTORY: CM PUNK

Photo - WWE.com

Straight-Edge Superstars in the WWE: 1

Three-time Straight-Edge World Champions: 1

Success Rate: 100%

WWE TLC REVIEW: THE SECOND BEST WRESTLING PPV THIS WEEKEND!

I watched two wrestling pay-per-views this weekend. One I watched with a group of friends, having some beers and a shouty good time. The other I watched stone cold sober, by myself, whilst cramming a Pizza Hut pizza into my face. Let's see if it's true that your surroundings can affect your mood!

WWE TLC: TABLES, LADDERS & CHAIRS

LIKE: SHEAMUS/MORRISON

DISLIKE: $45 FILLER

Photo - WWE.com

Fifty-five if you got the HD feed, which I did not. I wish you could allocate portions of your $55 to parts of the PPV, so the next time they do a PPV, they know what paying customers are paying to see. So I'd give like thirty-five bucks to Sheamus and John Morrison, ten bucks to Alberto Del Rio's plunge to the outside, five to Natalya's improv-splash, five to John Cena's obliteration of Wade Barrett, and I'd ask Kane for whatever he's got in his pockets.

LIKED

- Sheamus vs. John Morrison. This was without question the highlight of the entire show. It was great for every reason you could think of. It was an awesome match, the ladder didn't feel like it was thrown in there and they had to use it (like it can feel in some matches), the selling was perfect, there were big spots, plenty of suspense, and the match made the WWE Title seem even more important based on how long and brutal they went at it. The best part is that I'm not a big Sheamus fan (I don't "laich" him) and John Morrison might be the definition of hit and miss to me. This match had me on the edge of my seat with two guys I normally don't care about. That's the sign of a good match right there.

- Parts of the World Title TLC match. By then the gimmick had worn out it's welcome (two ladder matches and several table breaks earlier in the night), but they still managed to get some good stuff in. It's a shame that it was so obvious that this match was there for the big stunt spots, while Morrison and Sheamus had more of a focus and purpose and stuff.

- Alberto Del Rio's plunge from the top of the ladder to the outside through a table. He looked he hit the ground at warp speed.

- Natalya's obviously improvised splash through Lay-Cool, which made the match/finish WAY BETTER. So awesome. And not to mention Natalya's "YOU GUYYYYYS. YOU GUYYYYYS." after the match.

- Beth Phoenix landing on her head like twice in that match.

- Kofi Kingston's ability to make up new moves with ladders. Not every match has to be about coming up with new shit to do with the ladder, we mostly just want a good match. But when you have an entire PPV devoted to the TLC gimmick (not to mention an annual MITB match AND PPV), someone's going to have to do something different. It seems like Kofi will never run out of parts of the ladder to jump through/attach to himself.

- The seeds being planted for Cena/Punk. At first, I wasn't sure if Cena was the one Punk was talking about in his Slammy acceptance speech. But now it's pretty clear - why else would they have Punk call that match if not to have some more sound bites of CM Punk not approving of John Cena. When this match happens at WrestleMania, it's going to be fucking awesome.

- The double finish to Miz/Orton. Mike Chioda calling the bell after seeing Orton lying in some table shards was pretty ridiculous, even if it did get people to boo Miz out of the friggin' country. But then having Miz STILL outsmart Orton after the restart was awesome, and should set the tone for his reign. I'm excited to see more matches where the Miz has to scramble and figure out what he has to do to hold onto the belt he loves so much.

DISLIKED

- Themed PPVs. It's not like I see numbers on these things or whatever, so I can only speak about their success in terms of watching it as a fan. It sucks knowing that Sheamus/Morrison could've stood out THAT MUCH MORE if this was just a regular PPV with stipulations added naturally, instead of being forced on matches like Miz/Orton and Barrett/Cena. By the end of it, I just didn't care anymore. It took John Cena to line up eight folding chairs and hurl Wade Barrett through them (and then dump a row of chairs onto him (kinda)) to get my attention, which sucks, because I was ready for this match to be exciting.

- John Cena covering Wade Barrett before dropping chairs on him. WTF. Don't do that spot if you can't just DO IT, instead of being like "hold on let me cover you up because this'll hurt and wrestling's fake!" It sure looked cool (if you didn't see the wooden shield). Maybe they can edit out the weird wooden Wade Barrett-protector out for the DVD!

- Kane's Christmas promo. Yeah. He cut a promo on Christmas. The Kane character is getting more goofy by the second. With Kane cutting a promo on Christmas, he's forcing me to think of a Little Red Machine looking out at the kids playing on Christmas all sad while he just sits in his home with Paul Bearer in a Christmas sweater and Kane probably in the same stupid pants he's been wearing forever now.

- The tag match for no reason. And the Big Show Santa Claus promo for no reason. When you buy a PPV on your own (I have friends, I swear!) and you know you're shouldering the entire cost of this thing, it stings that much more when the Big Show comes out for ten minutes handing out copies of his STUPID FUCKING STRAIGHT TO DVD FAILURE MOVIE. I literally got angrier as that sentence went on. And the tag match was just chucked on there, because yeah, you've gotta break up the endless gimmick matches THAT YOU FORCED ON YOURSELVES. WOW I gotta keep my rage in check. But seriously. If we're paying any kind of money for something, I'd appreciate it if we got some surprises on the card that were at least worth getting. Like, for example, the Daniel Bryan/Ted DiBiase dark match that went on before the PPV. Anyway. Frig.

- Big Show calling Cody Rhodes unfunny. That statement is so backwards that I want to punch a hole through my own face and sell it with a back bump.

- The weird running gag with Nexus and Cena backstage. "haaaay!"

- Most of Miz/Orton. I almost forgot it happened. Maybe it's because...

- It was a Tables match. All that the announcers talked about during the tables match was how dumb tables matches are. At least with Ladder matches, there's a logical goal. Climb the ladder and be the first to retrieve (or "gain custody" if you're Tony Chimel) the belt/contract/wedding ring, whatever. With a tables match, you're just waiting for the stunt. And the wrestlers know how dumb it is - you could just fall through a table and all of a sudden you're not the best wrestler in the world anymore. The idea that Miz could drag Orton onto some table shards, point the referee in the right direction and he wins, is dumb. I'm glad they overturned it for the sake of Mike Chioda's reputation (yeah I am concerned about a referee's reputation in a fake sport). With the TLC PPV, all of the other matches seem to have a point (although the Chairs match doesn't really make total sense either), and aren't constantly being argued by announcers and wrestlers how stupid they are. Tables matches should've been left behind with the Attitude Era. I wish I could articulate my point better. But I can't because my brain has melted from watching naked men pretend to fight each other all day every day.

The last thing I will say is this. I expected this PPV to completely bomb with me considering I watched Final Battle the night before. But thanks to John Morrison and Sheamus, this review isn't a total top-to-bottom trashing of TLC. But it still fell short of what ROH did on Saturday, because c'mon guys, that shit was crazy.