SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI - TITLE FOR TITLE, CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION, THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE, SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Hello! And welcome back to my wrestling blogging website, which apparently only has content once a season that recaps whatever happened while I was gone for that time. I'm sorry I leave you so often, sweet blog. You still love me, right? Why don't we make love anymore? WHATS HIS NAME?

So I'm back again. But let's be honest, I'll probably be gone tomorrow and you won't see me 'til Since I've Been Gone VII - Adrian's Revenge.

SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE VI

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE WORLD OF WRESTLING

Photo - WWE.com

So after five of these recaps, you might remember that I tend to miss something big while I'm gone. Miz cashing in, WrestleMania XXVII, a nude Tayne John Cena, y'know the important stuff. This time around, I think I caused the thing I missed:

MATT HARDY

OUT-CRAZY'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR

WOW. BUDDY. Okay, um, Matt. I want to talk to Matt. Not Matthew. Is Matt in there? No Matt? Only Zuul?

Okay, Zuul, remember in my last blog how I gave you a Coach Taylor pep talk on how you can't let the Ultimate Warrior out-crazy you, and you need to get out there and be the best idiot you can be?

"I think [the Ultimate Warrior] showed up with a YouTube account to remind us that Matt Hardy eating grapes and tazing women isn't enough to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior. Jesus, even John Cena is out-crazying Matt Hardy! What happened Matt? Get on YouTube and show us what you're made of already! I do appreciate you burning your garbage and blowing up aerosol cans or getting bumshit hammered or giving cooking lessons to nobody, but do you think that's enough to keep up with the Ultimate Warrior swearing at a fictional lazy person? Or John Cena getting as naked and veiny as he possibly can and tweeting a picture of himself? NO. NO MATT. NO.

You need to pull yourself up by the cargo pant pockets and prove just who really is the craziest fucking idiot on the Internet. Grab your flipcam, kiss your brother, throw Shannon Moore into a pile of syringes, I don't care. Just be the best idiot you can be. I believe in you." - Me, August 17th, 2011

Remember when I said that?! DUDE I thought you were just going to post a video of you masturbating to your own action figure or something! I didn't think you'd actually take my advice to heart! You don't need to out-crazy the Ultimate Warrior or nude Cena, you're your own crazy idiot and that's okay! Whatever happened to grapes? I thought they were the best thing ever?! STICK TO THE GRAPES MATT

Suicide videos and angel blood and DUIs aren't wrestling-crazy; they're actual-crazy. I just wanted you to take my rallying speech and go slip on a banana peel and make me laugh. But no, all you heard was CLEAR EYES FULL HEARTS CAN'T LOSE GO CRAZY VEEE ONEAHHHHHH BE WELL AND UNTIL THEN

KEVIN NASH

HAS AN OLD PERSON MOMENT AND TEXTS HIMSELF

Photo - WWE.com

A large part of me wishes that Kevin Nash texted himself from his own phone and has actually been at home this whole time, and what we've been seeing on TV every Monday since SummerSlam is the maniacal fantasies inside Kevin Nash's mind as he's at home playing with his wrestling toys on his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa. It'd be like the movie Identity (if anyone saw that and can replace the fat mental patient with Big Daddy Cool Diesel). That would at least explain what's been happening over the past few weeks.

So I know I've been gone for a while, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is how I see Kevin Nash's return to the WWE thus far:

- Returns at Royal Rumble, doesn't pull anything, takes that as a sign to make a full comeback

- Thinks about it for half a year (presumably in his 18-wheeler shaped bed in Tampa)

- Texts himself "omg cm punk wtf you're dead lol"

- "Sticks" CM Punk (his hilarious words, not mine)

- Thinks he made wrestling cool again by saying things like "hit the weights" and "get a clue" to CM Punk

- Got into a pretend car accident

- Got spotted by security cameras texting himself (embarrassing)

- Got hired by John Laurinaitis

- Was put into a match against CM Punk by Triple H

- Was replaced in the match against CM Punk by Triple H with Triple H

- Was punched by Triple H and fired by Triple H

- Tried to attack Triple H in the Triple H vs. CM Punk matches at Night of Champions, got sledge'd by Triple H and Triple H pinned CM Punk

- Attacked Triple H at Vengeance

- Attacked Triple H on Raw

- Triple H Triple H Triple H Triple Triple H

- Triple HHHHHHHHHHHHHH Triple HHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHH

- HHHHHH Triple H

- HHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Soooo... yeah. At least CM Punk remained cool through all of this.

...

But then again, who the fuck would, when Triple H literally replaces the guy you're feuding with with himself so he can beat you, and STILL smash the guy you were feuding with in the face, and then go on to fight the guy you were feuding with while you team with Triple H and you're the one getting pinned in your tag team match holy goddamned what the serious fuck.

WWE SUBTLY STATES IT'S OPINION ON OCCUPY WALL STREET

SUBTLETY STILL NOT WWE'S STRONG SUIT

Photo - WWE.com

Hey, I wonder what WWE thinks of the Occupy Wall Street movement. I wonder if they support it, or if think everyone is a big annoying pussy for standing up against oh why would I even finish this thought. I find it completely MIND BLOWING that they would bury their entire roster (save for Triple H who, if you have never seen WWE, is REALLY AWESOME) in favour of making a shitty statement against protesters. If you haven't already, read Razor (of Kick-Out!! Wrestling)'s Fair To Flair article on the subject.

MARK HENRY AND BIG SHOW EXPLODE THE RING

THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT

Photo - WWE.com

The instant Mark Henry and Big Show hit the canvas and smashed the ring into obliteratitry, the internet smashed itself into obliteratitry by shouting about Brock Lesnar and Big Show already breaking the ring eight years ago. This is a classic case of The Simpsons Already Did It, as told by South Park.

Because the WWE has been around for *checks watch* fucking ever, they've done everything. In fact, the entire business of wrestling used to be based on doing the exact same thing night-in, night-out in a different city every day (twice on Sundays © Ric Flair). But now, because the WWE is a global brand on TV in over 38796 countries (did you know?) unleashing anywhere from 6-12 hours of BRAND NEW programming every insufferable week, things kind of end up repeating once you do that for over fifty years (the revolutionary force in sports entertainment).

By the way, not only did Brock Lesnar and Big Show ALREADY explode the ring eight years ago, I'm pretty sure Kevin Nash has hit Triple H with a sledgehammer before. If exploding the ring is the point you're going to raise in support of "WWE has no new ideas" you are weird.

FURTHERMORE, if two people that weigh as much as Brock Lesnar and Big Show combined broke the ring with a superplex, then that ring better fucking explode when Big Show and Mark Henry do the same thing. If anything we should be praising WWE for establishing something eight years ago and following through on it. Ha?

FAIR TO FLAIR QUARTERLY #2

NOW OUT!

I can't do my first post in two months and not mention Fair To Flair. The second issue, which Jason Mann and I previewed a few months ago in this podcast, is now available to order in both physical and digital formats. AND you can also preview the articles that make up the new Quarterly by going here. I, once again, am not a part of this one, but wholeheartedly support it.

FTF has also expanded to include Garcian Smith (hey!). And one day I'll show up there again! Holy crap I've been gone forever.

DAVID OTUNGA GETS NEW GIMMICK

AND A THERMAL COFFEE MUG

This is only important because he is hilarious. BOWTIE

ALSO

OTHER THINGS

Photo - WWE.com

Considering my last post was August 17th, I've missed like 90 hours (barely exaggerating) of WWE TV. And that doesn't even count other promotions, OR things that don't happen on-screen, which means I've missed A LOT. Like Cody Rhodes bringing back the classic Intercontinental Title or ROH's debut TV show or Raw becoming a SuperShow or Smackdown remaining a Normalshow or Super Dragon returning or Teddy Hart inventing a promotion that is exactly like the kind of promotion Teddy Hart would invent or the WWE launching a cable network in like five months or James Storm winning the TNA Title or TNA still being a thing or Jim Ross being humiliated (hey another thing the Simpsons WWE already did) or John Morrison almost certainly tweeting about his plan to masturbate or Evil Sin Cara or Camo Big Show or Rise Above Hate Anti-Bully Bully John Cena or Wax Undertaker or Chocolate Kane or Cyborg Alex Riley okay I'm making some of these up but I missed SO MANY THINGS. SO MANY.

See you in fourteen months or whenever.

06/20/11 RAW REVIEW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE (KIND OF, NOT REALLY)

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, a new pro wrestling website that focuses on writing and podcasts and only a third of the spyware you'll find at the leading pro wrestling websites. I'm a regular contributor at FTF (Raw reviews, like this one), along with co-founders Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Aggressive Art (and now our newest addition, my blogging Kenny Bromega TH of The Wrestling Blog).

You should check Fair To Flair out, if you haven't already. Razor just uploaded a podcast with Jeff Katz, TH named Sheamus vs. Christian as the Match of the Week, Jason has a podcast going up tomorrow where he speaks with Graham Cawthon of The History of the WWE and K. Sawyer Paul put together the frigging first Quarterly, which you can and should (but don't let me tell you what to do) buy here.

Now onto the thing that you probably have already read at Fair To Flair, but I'm posting here for no reason other than to link you to this video of Matt Hardy giving his thoughts on fire.

Holy fuck no one can make me laugh like Matt Haarrddyy HOOOOOOOO

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com, Edit - Black-Nata

#SUMMEROFPUNK

If you came here to find any tips on what CM Punk is doing after July 17th, I have nothing to offer in terms of speculation or opinions on what he will do next, but please keep reading wait where are you going NO STOP!

Just stay with me for a second. I’m going to talk about something completely different, because everything about this is awesome, except for the possibility that, y’know, Punk will be gone forever, and I’ll spend the rest of my days doing snow angels in my backyard and the tears will be endless like my UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU PUNK AHGAH (crying noise).

Ahem.

Aside from that, this is incredible. It’s the exact kind of thing that you couldn’t explain to someone who doesn’t watch wrestling. On Sunday, my non-wrestling-watching friend popped SO HARD for R-Truth getting blasted with water from Little Jimmy (as played by some kid who may or may not have also had the name Jimmy). It was great, but it was also very clear that this kid was a plant, to a wrestling fan at least. Not so much to my friend.

But last night, when Punk said that his contract expires July 17th, and he’s leaving with the WWE Title, I would almost guarantee that that angle would blend in with any other storyline that WWE would normally run to a non-wrestling fan. But because it’s based in reality, with the rumours of Punk leaving, it makes it THAT MUCH MORE awesome to those that pay close attention. And that’s why wrestling is awesome.

It’s the constant blend and ever-changing ratio of real to fake and fake to real, and how any combination of both can make for something completely compelling. I love that there’s someone in pro wrestling who is willing to leave clues online for us to speculate over and feel like we’re a part of it more than we actually are. It feeds our fandom. It’s also why, if Punk does indeed leave, I would be devastated (too serious of a word for pro wrestling). Or, rather, I’d be as pissed as Jay Briscoe EATIN’ CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY.

But if he’s doing the Davey Richards thing, and just taking real-life shit and injecting it flawlessly into wrestling and working us all, then I will be one pleased Little Jenny. JIMMY I MEAN.

I said I wouldn’t speculate, but I did, and I can’t help it, because that’s the fun of wrestling sometimes (read: that time I thought Sting was fighting Undertaker and got so carried away I thought about Batman fighting Undertaker (don’t judge me)).

I MEASURE MY WRESTLING IN INADVERTENT NOISES

Even though there are some people debating the best way to rate matches, this is the only true way: by how many “UHGHGG!!”s or “HOOOOOOOOO”s or spilled pizza dipping sauces you accumulate throughout the match.

Between the triple threat match (Del Rio’s bridging German suplex and his wild tumble to the outside, Rey’s bizarre-but-awesome top rope Link roll that transitioned into a suicide dive onto ADR, Punk applying Samoa Joe’s “just walk away” defense tactic, etc.) and Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes (AmDrag’s snap suplex onto the ramp, big dive, dropkick, everything he does because I’m gay for him) I was scaring my neighbours with whatever weird noises were coming out of my mouth against my own will.

Even Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler was fun, and featured Michael Cole making two completely non-sensical calls: “That gives new meaning to surviving by your fingertips!” — mainly because that’s not a phrase in the first place. He also described sitting at ringside as a “bird’s eye view,” because I guess birds also can flutter at about eye level if they want to.

THE UNBALANCED TRUTH

If R-Truth can make me laugh just by shouting the word JIMMY, am I the crazy one?

Even if the wrestling isn’t that great, the story is hilarious. R-Truth created a fictional character in “Little Jimmy” and was thwarted by a real-life little Jimmy at the pay-per-view. He turned heel because he drank water and then it turns out water got him back in the end! It’s such weird and specific comeuppance.

And Christian, while I did like the back and forth (and back and forth and back and forth) between him, Truth and The Miz, is not taking the ball and running with this heel turn. He’s kind of just taking the ball and holding it. Maybe he’s stuffing it under his new ugly T-shirt and making himself look pregnant.

I just hate where this has gone. Does Christian hating the fans make sense to you? Shouldn’t he just hate Teddy Long? If my boss was a complete and unfair DICK to me at my work, would I be like “man my boss is such a DICK, and so are the people of Madison, Wisconsin, or wherever… everywhere really! UGH I HATE ALL YOU PEOPLE.”

Eventually, I would’ve loved to have seen Christian turn on the fans. But right now it seems like he just rolled the bad guy dice and came up with “you people” on one and “idiots” on the other.

Honourable Mention: At Black Angus, your name is Peaches.

I really had no other reason to include this other than to say that I laughed my genitals off at Vicki “Peaches” Guerrero dancing. And to quote Patton Oswalt.

RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

POWER TO THE PEOPLE* (POWER MAY NOT ACTUALLY GO TO THE PEOPLE)

You don’t need me to tell you how when you vote for things on a wrestling show, you didn’t really vote. Sure, you sent in a vote and they counted it, but if your choices are “regular match” and “regular match” and “elimination regular match,” did you really vote? Or did you just send data and money into the air?

It’s bad enough when the choices are no fun and Jerry Lawler is showing me how to use a cell phone (I assume the most he gets out of technology is Google Image Searching “puppies” and getting mad when baby dog jpegs show up), but when the voting system doesn’t even end up working, what the hell did we even just watch?

At least Zack Ryder made it on Raw. Being kicked by Evan Bourne. In a video package. CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER, PEOPLE?!

This is exactly what John Lennon was talking about when he wrote that song.

ARM WRESTLING HAS NEVER BEEN FUN

Okay, except for that ONE TIME, but that’s IT. NEVER AGAIN.

I find it FUCKING impossible to believe that each and every one of all you people the WWE Universe would choose the grand spectacle that is an Arm Wrestling Match over a Body Slam Challenge or Caber Toss or whatever else was offered. Booker T — who is now on Twitter — predicted tweet:

“You know what that is right there when it comes to Booker T on Twitter right there is that Booker T has Twitter and I think when it comes to that right there maaan I DON’T EVEN KNOW”

— did try and hype it up (“This is gone be good right here guys” - something no one has ever said about arm wrestling), but I don’t want to see Kane and Mark Henry wrestle regular style, let alone limb-specific.

What I do want to see, is Mark Henry vs. household items, followed by Mark Henry shouting about punishment to no one in particular.

As for Kane, I’ve come to accept that he can do anything. Let me clarify that. As a character, you can never argue that he is acting “out of character” because his character is a fucking sociopath. It doesn’t matter what he does, logic does not apply.

For example, a crazy person would most certainly torture people and set people on fire, yes. But a crazy person may also play an air trombone from time to time. Or develop a fondness for his Giant friend. Or know the ins and outs of extracting revenge, like when he pulled Big Show off of Ricardo Rodriguez, because if he got suspended, he wouldn’t ever get his hands on Alberto Del Rio. A crazy person may also be seriously concerned with the proper grip of an arm-wrestling contest.

Anything he does can be explained by the rationale that he is a certified crazy person. Sometimes he cares for his brother, sometimes he puts his brother in a vegetative state and then goes on a manhunt for himself. He. Is. CRAZY.

This segment was boring with a capital punishment, but at least it gave us this woman’s face.

MASON RYAN WRESTLES IN DEFIANCE OF TECHNOLOGY

“It just goes to prove power to the people” - Kelly Kelly.

Yes it does. Wait, what? Kelly, that doesn’t make any sen— never mind.

What I’m trying to say, with Kelly Kelly’s sentence fragment as a reference, is that we can blame her runoff votes for Mason Ryan’s big orange win over Evan Bourne. He is the most orange. He also somehow managed to look kind of bad in beating Evan Bourne, a feat no one has yet to accomplish. Because Evan Bourne’s primary biological function is to collapse into his own body in order make big muscly white and orange Irish and Welsh men look like slobbery beasts.

Mason, while I’m sure you’re a nice fellow (or at the very least a prime candidate for the Bachelor Pad Season 2), please either go away or become Fake Dave Batista as managed by Ted DiBiase and get investigated in a comedy skit by whoever the 2011 equivalent of Leslie Nielsen is.

Honourable Mention: The Anonymous Raw GM is Senor Chang.

I can’t find a free video to link you to, but if you watch Community then you know what I mean. If you don’t, then let’s talk about how at the end of Raw, John Cena totally duckfaced that iPhone pic with the troops.

Edited by Jason Mann

EVERYBODY KNOWS WANTS TO KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN

Hello.

So, if you have been constantly refreshing this page for the past month and a half like I expect you were, you might think that I've been off doing nothing the whole time. NOT TRUE. Don't assume. It makes an ass out of the both of us, if you catch my whatever.

I've been spending most of my sweet time in two places. Before you make any kind of sexual joke (is there one? I--) I'll just get right to it: Tumblr and Fair To Flair.

My tumblr (which shows up in my Twitter feed, because I prefer my social media incestuous), is where you can find most pictures and videos I like. Fair To Flair is where you can find what I write. And it's that simple.

This blog can be a little time consuming to keep up with (blogspot, u r my n m e) so I've slowly been drifting to tumblr. BUT, that doesn't mean I won't pop in here when I'm feeling the urge (there's the joke). I may even get back to cross-posting my Raw reviews here, in case you prefer illegal pictures and full swear words over no pictures and asterisks (and a much cleaner layout, with a bunch more content, okay it's way better there than here I know shutup).

So, carry on as you were. And click these links I've laid out for you like a good mom:

Fair To Flair

My Tumblog

My Fair To Flair Raw reviews

Pre-order the first-ever Fair To Flair Quarterly!

Google.com (good for web searches)

NOW JUST WHERE THE HECK DID I PUT MY SMILE? CAN'T FIND THAT THING ANYWHERE

Yes, it's that time again. I'll be taking another leave of absence. It'll be one month until you see fresh ink (or whatever this stuff is made of) on this blog again (although, there is always that very slim chance that I'll chime in with something if I find the time (and the smile)).

As always, when I return I'll most likely do a Since I've Been Gone post, which I really should add to my Recurring Features section. They're fun to do, and hopefully to read too.

While I'm gone, here are some things to keep your wrestling libido strong and healthy:

FAIR TO FLAIR

First and foremost, be Fair To Flair. There will be tons of new stuff going up while I'm gone, including the Wrestlespective Radio podcast series that covers the final matches of every single WrestleMania, one episode a day. That's 26 podcasts in 26 days, with me featured on three of them (XIV, XX, XXV). So even though I'm gone, you can still hear my voice. You can also hear my voice if you place your ear up against a conch shell.

CHECK OUT: Fair To Flair, Wrestlespective, Kick-Out!! Wrestling, Footnotes of Wrestling

THE WRESTLING BLOG

You can always count on my BroBro Brazil (have we used that one yet? My brain is shrivelling up from thinking of so many) TH of The Wrestling Blog to have all of your pro wrestling needs taken care of. He is an animal when it comes to banging posts out, and he very well may be the most thorough wrestling blogger out there, covering everything from WWE and TNA all the way down to the most obscure indies. He's currently accepting ballots for the A1W 100, which you can read all about here.

CHECK OUT: The Wrestling Blog, Tom Holzerman on Twitter, A1W 100

BRANDON STROUD

Normally this is where I would point you to where I go to read hilarious wrestling recaps and blogs, which would be Brandon Stroud's posts on AOL FanHouse. However, he seems to be done there. Thankfully, I found him on Twitter, but it appears that he doesn't have a wrestling-related thing on the go. I feel like I'm following him around the Internet like a weird kind of stalker who isn't looking for sex, just laughter. I want my laughter.

CHECK OUT: Brandon Stroud on Twitter, his Vintage Promo series on FanHouse, his posts at Progressive Boink (some of which have to do with wrestling, most don't), and finally everything he's done at FanHouse

TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING

I recently found this blog, I think, thanks to Jason Mann. It's funny and honest, which I find to be a rare quality in wrestling blogs. Scott and Brent write about wrestling today, and review wrestling from the past. Just read the site description and try and tell me you don't want to go there right now:

Brent and Scott are young midwestern men in their late 20s and they love professional wrestling. Scott leans heavily toward 80s-early 90s Crockett/WCW, as well as World Class. Brent likes everything Bill Watts ever did. They both sided mostly with WCW during the legit years of The Monday Night Wars. They have a fondness for ECW if not a love. There's nothing stopping them from watching Japanese wrestling, but they probably won't. JOIN THEM IN LIFE!

CHECK OUT: Tape Machines Are Rolling, Scott on Twitter

FLAIR CHOP ILLUSTRATED - THE OLD SCHOOL WRESTLING PODCAST

I'm a little late getting on the Flair Chop choo-choo, but listening to the latest podcast (their review of The Main Event from Feb. 5th, 1988) had me hooked. I'd heard a few other episodes before, but the old 80's commercials (with Jason and Justine Bateman) had me busting a gut. Love stuff like that. Their review was also a lot of fun to listen to. I fear that I might get in shit with Jason considering I'm promoting another old-school wrestling podcast other than his (in fact, they're in a very serious podcast war at the moment), but I'll stick my neck out just this once. I'M NOT A GUTLESS INDIVIDUAL.

CHECK OUT: The Old School Wrestling Podcast, and Black Cat (of the podcast) on Twitter

And finally, some of my favourite Tumblr blogs that you should check out:

- We Watch Wrestling

- Drop Toehold

- Turnbuckle Zine

- Fuck Yeah Wrestling

- On Wrestling

- Where's Randy Savage?

- And really, anyone I reblog on my tumblr.

There's too many to mention, I know I've forgot some. That's the great thing about Tumblr though - there's no shortage of great wrestling blogs.

I think that's more than enough. I could say more (Colt Cabana's Art of Wrestling podcast, Dave Lagana's I Want Wrestling podcasts - Formerly Creative, 15 Minutes, Press The Press) but I am positive you already know about and listen to them. If you don't, I am very perplexed as to how you could find me but not them.

And I'll also be scheduling some tweets ahead of time, pointing you to some of my favourite older posts and what have you.

So yeah, that's uh... that's a lot of homework I just assigned.

Keep fit and have fun you guys.

Sincerely,

PIZZABODYSLAM

03/07/11 RAW REVIEW: G RATED FILTH (AND STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD)

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a real dragonzord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Jason edited this jumbled mess of links and swear words, so kudos to him. On with the show.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN (AND JBL) AUSTIN

I love wrestling. I wish I could storm into any meeting where someone is signing a contract, beat the crap out of everyone in the room and sign my name on the dotted line — as if that would ever be legally binding in any way — and then go long for some flying beers on the way out.

Michael Cole, on a regular day, is a giant douche. But when it’s time for him to get in the ring and gloat about something, or trick you into thinking Stone Cold Steve Austin is his guest referee, or slam the entire state you’re from, or SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, he is such a COCK. That is the most eloquent way I can put it, because it can’t be put any other way. Add in JBL, who plays such a perfect, long-winded bastard (and he delivered one of my favourite anti-hometown heel promos maybe I’ve ever seen, as it seemed so effortless and completely not forced at all), and you have me foaming at the mouth for a Stone Cold Stunner OH WAIT HERE HE COMES STONE COLD STONE COLD WJLHK

But the stand-out, hands-down, bottom line (because I said so) best part about this entire segment was Michael Cole’s pathetic, hoarse, begging and pleading into the headset for Austin not to sign the contract. In fact it was so good, I’m going to re-watch it right now (edit: I watched it and yes, it was still so good).

This segment was hard to even write about because I liked it so much, and prefer it as something I get giddy watching on the couch by myself like the cool guy I am.

JOHN CENA = GOOFY, BUT RIGHT. THE MIZ = VERY SERIOUS, AND ALSO RIGHT.

No matter how silly and prop-based and titantron-aided John Cena’s rap was, his main point can’t be argued. This has always been about John Cena calling The Rock out for leaving the business he claims he loves. Even if Cena’s response on Monday was riddled with G-rated filth, The Rock cut a taped promo from his house about how he loves the WWE after saying he is “never, ever going away.” And no matter how much I didn’t believe that when he said it, it’s still cannon fodder for Cena (when he’s not talking about ejaculating on people).

Speaking of Cena - hey John, here’s jizz mud in your eye! Because you sure looked dumb getting beatdown by The Miz to close Raw. There’s nothing like watching you bring a pearl necklace, a photoshopped picture and a homemade T-shirt to the ring to help illustrate all of the different ways you want semen and poop and The Rock to all interact, and then get clobbered by the guy you’re actually wrestling at WrestleMania.

This really sold the fact that The Miz has been an afterthought in this Rock/Cena business, and he’s the WWE Champion going in to WrestleMania. And while the Rock did bring it “via satellite,” The Miz just plain brought it in the form of beating up his opponent. Well done.

NO, I NEVER THOUGHT DOLPH ZIGGLER WAS FIRED FOR REAL EITHER

But I sure am glad to have him back blinding and maiming John Morrison in various ways. Poor JoMo. He didn’t make it on TV last week, and this week he gets poked in the eye and kicked in the leg — something that seems to happen to him pretty often.

Dolph Ziggler is the man. He lives his gimmick, and I’ve mentioned before that he’s my favourite guy to watch fall down on purpose (or “take a bump” for those of you in the know! Also, I think “heel” means “bully”). I’m happy to see that he has a shot to be a part of WrestleMania in a non-19-man Money In The Bank kinda way.

Honourable Mention: Seeing those we didn’t expect to see.

Sin Cara. Christian. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Sunny. Kevin Kelly. I like surprises. And I’m not one of those people who complains about the brand split not being honoured or whatever. I think those people just like pointing out they know things. Well, I know things too. For example, WWE has had more people attend their shows yearly than the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals, and my birthday combined.

BONUS HONOURABLE MENTION: The music.

First, Johnny Cash sings Undertaker’s new theme song (check out a fine discussion about that here). And then last night, the Bobby Hebb song “Sunny” was used in Sunny’s Hall of Fame induction video. This song has been done by everyone, from Dusty Springfield to Marvin Gaye to Nick Cave. I love when WWE uses music that isn’t done by a band called Wretch Machine or Killbang or whatever other shitty band no one’s heard of until they do the Official Theme Song for WWE Fatal 4-Way.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

DISLIKED...

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CAN SHEAMUS PLEASE FIND A NICE MIDDLE GROUND?

If he’s not getting kicked in the balls and Pedigree’d so hard that he’s both literally and figuratively buried, he’s tweaking his ankle in a losing effort against Daniel Bryan and still somehow getting a U.S. Title shot next week (which he’ll win). I have a friend who will set his dick on fire if Snooki counts that pinfall. Is that what you want, WWE? It’s not my fault I have irrational friends, but it is your fault that you’re making Sheamus like a helpless dope who can’t defend himself. And now you’re bringing the best wrestler in the world into this. And maybe Snooki. But that’s entirely made up on my account. So that’s my fault. But the other stuff —not my fault.

G-RATED FILTH

Whenever John Cena makes a joke using words that are clean for PG television, but the meanings are not, this is all I can think of:

“Every time I do a TV show, um, and I have a line like that, the producers never say to me ‘DON’T SAY THAT.’ Because I wouldn’t say it, I know you couldn’t say that on TV. They always say ‘could you think of a cute G-rated way to say that so we can broadcast it?’ There’s nothing more offensive and disturbing to me than G-rated filth. Like, what is worse: ‘I wanna fuck your wet pussy’ or ‘I’m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!’ Which, right there, that’s totally G-rated. You can say that on TV. It’s fucking horrifying. That’s what you say to a girl you have in a pit in the bottom of your basement as you’re lowering stuff in a basket. ‘When Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints!’ All right, again, all that was totally fucking G-rated.” - Patton Oswalt on G-rated filth

MASON RYAN AND DAVID OTUNGA

I wish someone would make Mason Ryan a trolley or something so we never have to watch him twinkle-toe spring to the ring again. Thankfully, Randy Orton has taken care of David Otunga’s lip-biting by bouncing his brain of the inside of his skull with a punt to the head.

I just can’t take these two guys seriously. They both look like cartoon muscle men they’re so jacked, but somehow I look at them and think they couldn’t harm a fly. I’m just happy that CM Punk will get to stand on his own at WrestleMania (or at the very least, just with Mason Ryan) and not be brought down by these orange (green?) dum dums any longer.

Honourable Mention: I’ll never get a CM Punk/Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, will I?

It’s all I want you guys. All I want.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

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Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

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