2010: CHRIS JERICHO BECOMES FIRST-EVER TWO-TIME FIRST-EVER UNDISPUTED CHAMPION

YEAH I SAID IT.

CHRIS JERICHO

FOR FIRST-EVER TWO-TIME FIRST-EVER UNDISPUTED CHAMPION

Make no sense? Maybe. But listen (read) for just a second (longer than that).

Jericho is already the first-ever Undisputed Champion. He beat The Rock and Stone Cold in the same night. We know this. But that was the WWF. This is the WWE. And I think it's time we crown a new first-ever Undisputed Champion.

And by new, I mean Jericho just does it again.

He needs MORE belts! How awesome did he look with two titles and the Bragging Rights trophy? Had he and Big Show not lost the straps the night before, he could've carried around two slammies and been the most decorated man to not win the J-Crown.

My other (and more realistic) prediction is that 'Tist beats Rey this Friday, beats Taker at the Rumble, Cena somehow regains the WWE Title (likely at Elimination Chamber), and then WrestleMania 26 closes with Batista/Cena II to unify the World Titles.

It's not that far out of a prediction, and I'm not holding my breath (because who holds their breath over things), but it's so plausible that it may just happen.

Point is, I would rather see Jericho just do it all over again, and brag about it every night. I'd eat that shit up.

2010: UNDERTAKER WINS AT WRESTLEMANIA!

UNDERTAKER

UNDEFEATED FOREVER!!!

Guys, I'm going out on a limb here. I think he can do it.

18-0.

It's crazy shit, I know. But I'm going to be bold and be the first person to predict that the Undertaker will win a match at this year's WrestleMania!

In fact, I'll just lay out my Undertaker WM predictions for the rest of his career. But first, his history:

PAST

VII: def. Jimmy Snuka

VIII: def. Jake Roberts

IX: def. Giant Gonzalez via DQ (They prolly had to keep Gonzalez strong)

XI: def. King Kong Bundy

XII: def. Diesel

13: def. Sycho Sid for the WWF Championship

XIV: def. Kane

XV: def. The Big Bossman via hanging

X-Seven: def. Triple H in his only career loss

X8: def. Ric Flair

XIX: def. The Big Show and A-Train (with the help of good friend Nathan Jones!)

XX: def. Kane

21: def. Randy Orton

22: def. Mark Henry

23: def. Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship

XXIV: def. Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship

XXV: def. Shawn Michaels in a "bet you'll cry when we're gone and retired" match

FUTURE

XXVI: def. CM Punk

- We finally get our big Punk/Undertaker match. But this time, the angle is all about Punk trying to prove to everyone that the Undertaker is on drugs, because clearly, if you believe you're a deadman, you're high as a kite. Punk's straight-edge army is built around wanting to expose the Undertaker, and the Phenom has to fight off Luke Gallows, and a (re)returning Nick Dinsmore (formerly Eugene).

XX-Seven: def. John Morrison

- Morrison gets his biggest match to date against an aging Undertaker. They steal the show. Morrison is further pegged as this generation's Shawn Michaels.

XXVIII: def. Kurt Angle

- Angle returns after leaving TNA, and is crazier than ever. Taker wins and Angle has a temper tantrum.

XXIX: def. Sheamus

- Sheamus has gone on a Triple H style reign of terror and won the World Titles a combination of eleven times in three years, as well as accumulating a WM streak of 3-0. Undertaker defeats him, looking super slow, despite being on a Road to WM-only schedule.

XXX: def. Kane

- Kane comes out of early retirement to lose to his brother for a third time at WrestleMania. The Kane character is then "killed off" in some kind of absurdly firey pyro explosion, because Vince McMahon is becoming senile.

31: def. Bryan Danielson

- Bryan Danielson has become the biggest star since John Cena, but Taker still goes over him because the streak cannot end! Danielson taps to the weakest looking Hell's Gates, because the Deadman is barely mobile. Wrestling fans everywhere shed a tear.

32: def. AJ Styles

- Vince McMahon has bought TNA, and NEEDS to bury all of their talent! So what better way than having their last champion lose to a fully-grey, wheelchair-sporting Undertaker in two minutes flat! 24-0!

XXXV: def. Vince McMahon

- After taking three years off, Undertaker comes back looking like an actual Dead Man to face a completely senile Vince McMahon in a feud that makes no sense. Undertaker wins when he collapses in the ring and is placed on Vince McMahon by the official, as Vince yells for the referee to do so, because Undertaker is actually dead, but Vince won't let the streak die (and is batshit crazy). Long live the Undertaker('s streak!)! Vince McMahon lives on because he is fucking immortal.

XXXVI: def. Kane and Vince McMahon

- Turns out that Vince is somehow crazier than anyone ever could have imagined, as he worked Undertaker's death for publicity, and one year later, Taker returns to get his revenge in a feud that still doesn't make sense, because Kane is there, who died a couple WrestleMania's ago. All three men die of a triple-threat heart attack.

The show goes on for the big main event of Sheamus vs. Drew McIntyre for the WWE Championship though!

2010: BATISTA/CENA II

THE ANIMAL

DAVE BATISTA

SMALL GOAT CRADLER

JOHN CENA

We saw it at SummerSlam 2008. Now get ready for it...

John Cena vs. Dave Batista: THE SEQUEL.

Maybe at WrestleMania. Maybe at SummerSlam again. Either way, this is happening this year.

Batista is finally heel and everybody is cheering him, and Cena is full-blown face and is soaking in the boos. It's perfect!

There's no telling who will win, or how many inexplicable injuries will occur, but I know I will be watching.

2010: DX/HART DYNASTY: TAG TITLE FEUD

UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS

DX

BETTER THAN THE BEST, PERIOD

THE HART DYNASTY

This prediction would've felt way better had I made it before that segment on Smackdown.

But this has to happen.

Bret Hart's coming back. We need a big WrestleMania moment. And what better than Bret Hart, alongside the Hart Dynasty, challenging DX and Vince McMahon. Or Hornswoggle. Or whatever.

But seriously. This has got to happen, and DX dropping the belts to the Harts would be amazing, and put them over so so hard.

Not only that, but the feud leading up to WM should provide some real ass dialogue between Bret, Shawn, Hunter and Vince.

You can just pre-order the $90 PPV or whatever it is if that match happens. And I predict it does. Or at least the feud.

These predictions are off to a BLAZING START.

2010: AN UNORGANIZED FUTURSPECTIVE

I don't know what the opposite of a retrospective is. So that's what happened.

Since it's New Year's Day, 2010, I figured I'd start my 2010 predictions now and finish my 2009 thing later.

Once I'm finished both I'll post all tags, and then everything will be nicely put together like a well made bed. Cozy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

NEWS 2009: TNA GETS BALLS

JANUARY 4TH, 2010

TNA VS. WWE

It may fail in the long run and we may never see a time when it's TNA vs. WWE week after week... but for one night only, people will be jumping back and forth between two live wrestling shows... and I am excited.

It took some big balls to step up and be all like "hey, me and Hulk Hogan are coming after you brother(s)!" And I appreciate that. Because TNA are setting themselves up here. Everyone knows they could post the shittiest rating, and WWE can just laugh and roll around in their piles of money and wristbands of different colours.

But at least someone took a swing, right?

I'm looking forward to going back and forth between the two shows, and I legitimately think it'll be one of the more exciting Monday nights in a long time for wrestling fans.

THE LINEUP/RUMOURS

TNA iMPACT

- Knockouts Title: ODB vs. Tara

- Knockouts Tag Titles: Sarita/Taylor vs. Hamada/Kong

- Hulk Hogan

- RVD

- Ric Flair

- Wolfpac Reunion

- Young Bucks

WWE RAW

- Guest Host: Bret Hart

- ...

Not much of an answer from WWE yet.

I know I'll be watching TNA for the first hour, and see how things go from there. I'm a huge Bret Hart mark, so I'll need to tune into RAW too.

But if you have HDNet, you're in even more of a pickle.

MOMENTS 2009: KEVIN STEEN TEARS MY FRIGGIN' HEART OUT

After a lengthy Christmas break (I got Scrabble SLAM!), I'm back to write about naked men fighting each other for fun.

"MR. WRESTLING"

KEVIN STEEN

Let me set the scene.

Final Battle 2009. Kevin Steen & El Generico have just lost to the Young Bucks for the first time. Rumours are that Steen is retiring due to a nearly crippled knee after ten years in the business.

He launches into the most real (real talk) speech, thanking everyone in the business, breaking kayfabe in mentioning the Briscoes by name, and listing his loss against Nigel McGuinness in Canada as his favourite match.

Steen then hugs his longtime tag team partner and friend, El Generico, and both men are in tears.

I am pretending something is in my eye because this is the warmest goddamn embrace I've ever seen.

Then, in one swift-yet-in-slow-motion moment... he turns to Generico, (see title) tears my friggin' heart out, and says:

"I hate your fuckin' guts."

BOOM - kick in the balls, chairshot to the brain, a kiss for Colt Cabana, and he licks a fans fingers like an ice cream cone whilst making his psychotic exit.

And there goes the greatest heel turn in recent memory.

I mean, there have been some great heel turns...

- Shawn Michaels pitching Marty Jannetty through a window

- CM Punk cashes in against Jeff Hardy

- Andre the Giant rips Hogan's cross off his chest

- Bret Hart/Stone Cold's double turn at WrestleMania 13

- The Kliq turns on the business at MSG

But this one takes the cake for me. Maybe it's because there's no restriction on what these guys can do, or maybe it's because I was played like the mark I am... but nobody has ever gone this full-blown heel in my mind.

He tricked us all with his stupid good acting and playing on the rumours of his retirement. He turned on the never-hated El Generico by kicking him in the balls. And then he went GAY (which no wrestling fan likes, m i rite), by kissing Colt Cabana right on the mouth, to silence those idiots that cheered when he turned on his best friend.

Think back to Batista turning on Mysterio. It was a pretty good heel turn. He freaked out (YOU'RE SPOSEDA BE MY FRIENNNN) and said he was going to rip his head off. But people still cheered the hell out of it.

Now imagine if R-Truth ran down to console Mysterio, and Batista, clearly out of his mind crazy, kissed him right on the lips and peaced out. Don't think people'd be cheering now.

So I think that 2010 will be the year of Kevin Steen. Even though he made me cry. Bastard.