If you came here to find any tips on what CM Punk is doing after July 17th, I have nothing to offer in terms of speculation or opinions on what he will do next, but please keep reading wait where are you going NO STOP!
Just stay with me for a second. I’m going to talk about something completely different, because everything about this is awesome, except for the possibility that, y’know, Punk will be gone forever, and I’ll spend the rest of my days doing snow angels in my backyard and the tears will be endless like my UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU PUNK AHGAH (crying noise).
Aside from that, this is incredible. It’s the exact kind of thing that you couldn’t explain to someone who doesn’t watch wrestling. On Sunday, my non-wrestling-watching friend popped SO HARD for R-Truth getting blasted with water from Little Jimmy (as played by some kid who may or may not have also had the name Jimmy). It was great, but it was also very clear that this kid was a plant, to a wrestling fan at least. Not so much to my friend.
But last night, when Punk said that his contract expires July 17th, and he’s leaving with the WWE Title, I would almost guarantee that that angle would blend in with any other storyline that WWE would normally run to a non-wrestling fan. But because it’s based in reality, with the rumours of Punk leaving, it makes it THAT MUCH MORE awesome to those that pay close attention. And that’s why wrestling is awesome.
It’s the constant blend and ever-changing ratio of real to fake and fake to real, and how any combination of both can make for something completely compelling. I love that there’s someone in pro wrestling who is willing to leave clues online for us to speculate over and feel like we’re a part of it more than we actually are. It feeds our fandom. It’s also why, if Punk does indeed leave, I would be devastated (too serious of a word for pro wrestling). Or, rather, I’d be as pissed as Jay Briscoe EATIN’ CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY.
But if he’s doing the Davey Richards thing, and just taking real-life shit and injecting it flawlessly into wrestling and working us all, then I will be one pleased Little Jenny. JIMMY I MEAN.
I said I wouldn’t speculate, but I did, and I can’t help it, because that’s the fun of wrestling sometimes (read: that time I thought Sting was fighting Undertaker and got so carried away I thought about Batman fighting Undertaker (don’t judge me)).
I MEASURE MY WRESTLING IN INADVERTENT NOISES
Even though there are some people debating the best way to rate matches, this is the only true way: by how many “UHGHGG!!”s or “HOOOOOOOOO”s or spilled pizza dipping sauces you accumulate throughout the match.
Between the triple threat match (Del Rio’s bridging German suplex and his wild tumble to the outside, Rey’s bizarre-but-awesome top rope Link roll that transitioned into a suicide dive onto ADR, Punk applying Samoa Joe’s “just walk away” defense tactic, etc.) and Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes (AmDrag’s snap suplex onto the ramp, big dive, dropkick, everything he does because I’m gay for him) I was scaring my neighbours with whatever weird noises were coming out of my mouth against my own will.
Even Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler was fun, and featured Michael Cole making two completely non-sensical calls: “That gives new meaning to surviving by your fingertips!” — mainly because that’s not a phrase in the first place. He also described sitting at ringside as a “bird’s eye view,” because I guess birds also can flutter at about eye level if they want to.
THE UNBALANCED TRUTH
If R-Truth can make me laugh just by shouting the word JIMMY, am I the crazy one?
Even if the wrestling isn’t that great, the story is hilarious. R-Truth created a fictional character in “Little Jimmy” and was thwarted by a real-life little Jimmy at the pay-per-view. He turned heel because he drank water and then it turns out water got him back in the end! It’s such weird and specific comeuppance.
And Christian, while I did like the back and forth (and back and forth and back and forth) between him, Truth and The Miz, is not taking the ball and running with this heel turn. He’s kind of just taking the ball and holding it. Maybe he’s stuffing it under his new ugly T-shirt and making himself look pregnant.
I just hate where this has gone. Does Christian hating the fans make sense to you? Shouldn’t he just hate Teddy Long? If my boss was a complete and unfair DICK to me at my work, would I be like “man my boss is such a DICK, and so are the people of Madison, Wisconsin, or wherever… everywhere really! UGH I HATE ALL YOU PEOPLE.”
Eventually, I would’ve loved to have seen Christian turn on the fans. But right now it seems like he just rolled the bad guy dice and came up with “you people” on one and “idiots” on the other.
Honourable Mention: At Black Angus, your name is Peaches.
I really had no other reason to include this other than to say that I laughed my genitals off at Vicki “Peaches” Guerrero dancing. And to quote Patton Oswalt.
RAW: POWER TO THE PEOPLE
Photo - WWE.com
POWER TO THE PEOPLE* (POWER MAY NOT ACTUALLY GO TO THE PEOPLE)
You don’t need me to tell you how when you vote for things on a wrestling show, you didn’t really vote. Sure, you sent in a vote and they counted it, but if your choices are “regular match” and “regular match” and “elimination regular match,” did you really vote? Or did you just send data and money into the air?
It’s bad enough when the choices are no fun and Jerry Lawler is showing me how to use a cell phone (I assume the most he gets out of technology is Google Image Searching “puppies” and getting mad when baby dog jpegs show up), but when the voting system doesn’t even end up working, what the hell did we even just watch?
At least Zack Ryder made it on Raw. Being kicked by Evan Bourne. In a video package. CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER, PEOPLE?!
This is exactly what John Lennon was talking about when he wrote that song.
ARM WRESTLING HAS NEVER BEEN FUN
Okay, except for that ONE TIME, but that’s IT. NEVER AGAIN.
I find it FUCKING impossible to believe that each and every one of all you people the WWE Universe would choose the grand spectacle that is an Arm Wrestling Match over a Body Slam Challenge or Caber Toss or whatever else was offered. Booker T — who is now on Twitter — predicted tweet:
“You know what that is right there when it comes to Booker T on Twitter right there is that Booker T has Twitter and I think when it comes to that right there maaan I DON’T EVEN KNOW”
— did try and hype it up (“This is gone be good right here guys” - something no one has ever said about arm wrestling), but I don’t want to see Kane and Mark Henry wrestle regular style, let alone limb-specific.
What I do want to see, is Mark Henry vs. household items, followed by Mark Henry shouting about punishment to no one in particular.
As for Kane, I’ve come to accept that he can do anything. Let me clarify that. As a character, you can never argue that he is acting “out of character” because his character is a fucking sociopath. It doesn’t matter what he does, logic does not apply.
For example, a crazy person would most certainly torture people and set people on fire, yes. But a crazy person may also play an air trombone from time to time. Or develop a fondness for his Giant friend. Or know the ins and outs of extracting revenge, like when he pulled Big Show off of Ricardo Rodriguez, because if he got suspended, he wouldn’t ever get his hands on Alberto Del Rio. A crazy person may also be seriously concerned with the proper grip of an arm-wrestling contest.
Anything he does can be explained by the rationale that he is a certified crazy person. Sometimes he cares for his brother, sometimes he puts his brother in a vegetative state and then goes on a manhunt for himself. He. Is. CRAZY.
This segment was boring with a capital punishment, but at least it gave us this woman’s face.
MASON RYAN WRESTLES IN DEFIANCE OF TECHNOLOGY
“It just goes to prove power to the people” - Kelly Kelly.
Yes it does. Wait, what? Kelly, that doesn’t make any sen— never mind.
What I’m trying to say, with Kelly Kelly’s sentence fragment as a reference, is that we can blame her runoff votes for Mason Ryan’s big orange win over Evan Bourne. He is the most orange. He also somehow managed to look kind of bad in beating Evan Bourne, a feat no one has yet to accomplish. Because Evan Bourne’s primary biological function is to collapse into his own body in order make big muscly white and orange Irish and Welsh men look like slobbery beasts.
Mason, while I’m sure you’re a nice fellow (or at the very least a prime candidate for the Bachelor Pad Season 2), please either go away or become Fake Dave Batista as managed by Ted DiBiase and get investigated in a comedy skit by whoever the 2011 equivalent of Leslie Nielsen is.
Honourable Mention: The Anonymous Raw GM is Senor Chang.
I can’t find a free video to link you to, but if you watch Community then you know what I mean. If you don’t, then let’s talk about how at the end of Raw, John Cena totally duckfaced that iPhone pic with the troops.
Edited by Jason Mann