Tuesday, January 18, 2011


But can just anyone FUCK the "ugly" ones (hint: no, only complete sluts like the Bellas can)?! Well, beloved reader, that's exactly what we're asked to watch and find out every week on RAW now! Because the Bella Twins have started a perverted bet to see who can devirginize the American Dragon. The winner gets... I don't know, a baby? Condoms are for sinners, remember that kids.

01/17/11 RAW REVIEW
Photo - WWE.com

I still don't fully understand why they're doing this (no one should, except for maybe the giggling USA execs who apparently spearheaded this thing - "tee hee, he's a virgin!"). I just don't want him to be stuck with this virgin moniker forever like he's Rhett fucking Titus (who I like, but probably shouldn't be the WWE United States Champion in 2011). And why do an angle where two pervy twins try and be the first one to get fucked by a virgin when it's PG?! JOHN CENA SAID IT HIMSELF IT'S PG. It's so goddamn awkward. I feel like this is all going to end in an uncomfortable hotel room vignette where Bryan is the Dean Malenko in a bathrobe and Nikki and Brie are the Lita in the high-waisted thongs.

Anyway, I guess the only good thing (and I stress, the only good thing) that we can take from this newly launched angle is that there is an end in sight. At some point, this hopeless angle has to come to an end one way or another. Let's just all pray to the wrestling gods that it doesn't end with the Daniel Bryan character neutered for good (which, in all likelihood, it will).

So let's all just wipe this angle from our memory and try and focus on the good wrestling that this show had. It also had a Divas match.

CM Punk VS. John Cena - Right before the match started, my girlfriend (who doesn't watch wrestling, but is up on a few current feuds since all I do is watch talk about write about wrestling all day every day forever and ever) said, "shouldn't they save this until later?" - implying, very profoundly for someone who has never watched wrestling before we started dating, that people would be more willing to pay for/excited to see this match had they built to it a while from now. That's my girl.

But, you can't take away the fact that they put on a stellar TV match that put both guys over as being equals. When Punk had Cena in the Anaconda Vice until he reached the ropes, it was sold to the moon that Punk can beat Cena on his own. Likewise, Cena had Punk in control for much of the start of the match, as well as right up until Mason Ryan made his presence known, which I'll get to in a sec.

John Cena's poop jokes. The show kicked off with a Martin Luther King, Jr. video to celebrate MLK Day in America. Out came John Cena to make poop jokes. I know the two weren't supposed to be connected at all, but given that John Cena is known for preacher-voiced, over-the-top, THIS IS ALL I GOT inspiring promos... to have him come out and just say poop and Jonas Brothers a million times was some bizarre juxtaposition.

Cena himself said "it's PG guys, I'm doing the best I can." But, actually, if it was TV-14 again I believe the poop jokes would just be replaced by gay jokes, so maybe I should quit complaining. At least he came up with a better insult than "CM Sucks" - CM Poke! ...

John Morrison VS. Daniel Bryan was a fantastic match, featuring a series of roll-ups and counters that I would've popped for no matter where this match was held - WWE, ROH, Indies, a campsite, wherever. The outcome was pretty obvious given each guy's recent treatment on TV (Morrison = video packages, going over Sheamus like nine times, recent #1 Contender to the WWE Title. Bryan = wrestling on Superstars, "already in the ring" and "joined in progress" matches, currently the focal point of a virgin angle). But it was a great match all around, even if it ended with Sheamus coming out and spitting all over a microphone.

David Otunga, for a guy with muscles as big as his, is one of the least intimidating people I've ever seen. And I'm almost positive he was about to bust a gut laughing when Punk was grinning at them backstage, right before saying "faith."

- There are pros and cons to the brand split spilling over on each show right now. Pro: Dolph Ziggler appears on RAW and SmackDown. Con: R-Truth appears on both RAW and SmackDown.
- After watching the Tag Title match, I'm almost positive that the Cobra is as over as the Viper.
- I fucking hate the referee that did the Orton/Ziggler match. Did anyone else see him grab Dolph's arm and just start bucking to try and get him off Orton in the corner, without even starting a count? He does this all the time. No counting, just getting all up in the wrestlers' faces with a 2002 John Cena-like aggression.
- Melina is the worst.
- Maryse inexplicably yelling at Michael Cole is the best.
- The Battle Royale thing was weird. And made no sense. But you gotta get new clips of guys throwing each other over the top rope for your new Royal Rumble video package somehow!
- Mason Ryan was dubbed as "Fauxtista" by someone on Twitter. Well played, sir. Well played. The segment itself was sweet. The dude will have to do a lot to prove he's not a Matt Morgan Test Jackson Andrews Nathan Joneszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

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