Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I've made quite the habit of leaving and then making a triumphant return by writing a 300 page screenplay about what happened while I was gone. This post is the third in that vein, and completes the trilogy (until I go away and come back again, which will undoubtedly happen. I'm like your stepdad.). Also, I feel the need to point out that I had to look up whether to use "vein" or "vain" in that turn of phrase by going to a site called "". Derp.

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Every time I peace out for a while, something big seems to happen. The first time, the match of the year happened in Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (not to mention Stephanie McMahon's fever dream of fucked up shit). The second time, the Miz cashed in his Money In The Bank briefcase and became WWE Champion. This time?


I'm about to be the eleventy billionth person to tell you that he looks like a fat Tyler Reks because (here I go) he looks like a fat Tyler Reks. Matt Hardy said he was going to reincarnate himself, but instead he just went to Sandals Jamaica. I hear the grapes are good there. But I think I prefer the Cher look myself.

Something actually big happened while I was gone (but I will admit I was most excited to write about Matt Hardy's new hair you guys):

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If anyone can take something shitty and turn it unshitty (I think there's a less crude, more fruity phrase for what I just said), it's CM Punk. He took Festus and gave us Luke Gallows. He managed to sit next to Michael Cole on commentary, and not just survive, but flourish. He took Darren Young and let him die because some birds just weren't meant to fly.

I fully expect Punk's alliance with Nexus to take the Punk/Cena feud to stupid-good heights. It's started off a bit slow with Punk being hurt, and with John Cena being a jackass. He's all over the map with his swearing and poop jokes and "now I'm inexplicably angry" voice - and by doing so, he's literally proving CM Punk right at every turn.

I'm pretty sure I called Cena out (not to his face, I would never do that in fear of THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS RAININ' DOWN ON ME AND I WILL BE COMPRUHMISED) on his word being bullshit a while ago. Let's see if I can rustle that up:

"John Cena is a strange character. Going into a match, all he cares about is the WWE Title, the WWE Universe, the WWE, etc. It's the most important and most serious and most preacher-voice-worthy thing ever. He's our hero and will only settle for victory. Then the next night, after he loses, he jokes and plays it off and doesn't really care. He smiles and passes his loss off as nothing. How long can this go on before people are like "why should I believe that you care about something when you show time and time again that you don't?" Maybe I'm nitpicking, but the video package for Night of Champions had about twelve quotes from Cena saying THIS IS ALL I GOT!!! and then he lost but it doesn't matter." - Me, 09/21/10.

Anyway, I'm sure Punk will reach inside this one-part-goofy one-part-angry John Cena and pull out the same John Cena that Roddy Piper managed to one week before Survivor Series, and this feud will be epic. Until then, I'm just waiting for Cena to flub "CM Sucks" and say "Cena Sucks."

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I was going to say sweat like some cheese you left out on the counter, but that was way too specific (even if it's kind of accurate).

Watching four hours of each show back to back makes this sentiment very clear: these are two HUGELY different wrestling shows. While RAW was fading countless backstage segments together, SmackDown was bringing the wrestling in fucking fistfuls. RAW seriously did this: -fade to- the Miz and Alex Riley arguing -fade to- CM Punk talking to a cameraman -fade to- Daniel Bryan, the Bellas and Tyson Kidd posturing -fade to- Randy Orton slow talking (he's got a David Caruso thing going right now) -fade to- commercial.

Meanwhile, SmackDown decided to have wrestling matches. Last week's show in particular was one of the best I've seen in recent memory. From Kofi's Intercontinental Title win(s) against Ziggler, to the 2 out of 3 Falls match between Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio, to the Fatal Fourway #1 Contender's match for the World Heavyweight Title (which featured Big Show ENTERTAINING ME FOR REAL), to even Edge vs. Kane in a Last Man Standing match, I was never not loving this show. The week before even had Trent Barretta jumping over the top rope to the outside like he's trying to put out an imaginary fire on his back - can this show do any wrong? Ever since they murdered Paul Bearer and let the wrestlers wrestle instead of rub food on each other, this show has been right back to where it's been in the past - golden.

RAW, on the other hand, has been less than golden. Maybe less than bronze. It's kind of just a waterlogged piece of driftwood right now. Aside from the Falls Count Anywhere match between John Morrison and The Miz, Miz cutting a scary real promo on the "WHAT" chanting crowd, and Shawn Michaels making a surprise appearance for his 2011 Hall of Fame announcement (and kicking Alberto Del Rio in the face so hard that I think in his time off he forgot that wrestling is fake)... what has there been? The answer is nothing. Or boring crap. I would have also accepted "stupid boring crap."

Having both Cena and Punk nursing injuries, and the fact that they're inexplicably demoting Daniel Bryan to "already in the ring" status for meaningless matches definitely does not help. But still, it's pretty bogus to see SmackDown own RAW in every conceivable way. Even the promo between Kingston, Ziggler and Swagger from two weeks ago was as good as any promo on RAW, and those guys aren't exactly known for their personalities.


Photo - Scott Finkelstein's Get Lost Photography

First it was taken from my precious YouTube. Now, right after I get HD (uh... but still not HDNet - but Jason Mann of WrestleSpective just got HDNet, so let's all feel his pain), the show gets dropped.

This is, in a (outdated) word, a bummer. I'm curious as to where ROH goes from here. Is anyone interested in putting their show on TV? Is ROH interested in being on TV (dumb question)? HDNet was definitely a great tool in promoting their iPPVs, if not through their actual show, then through the promos they were able to make and release online. Hopefully things bounce back and they're able to find a network that works well for them. If you're interested in hearing about this, you should check out today's episode of The Fight Show (literally airing as I type this) by searching for the podcast on iTunes. Until that goes up, you can check out these details from 411Mania.


With every single one of these long-winded "since I've been gone" recaps, there's been more and more talk of the entire "core group" (Hardys, Helms, Moore, Kimo, etc.) showing up in TNA. And I think... seeing as I just witnessed Gregory Helms sign a contract on YouTube (the future is now!), my dreams are about to come true (unless if the contract was for somewhere else, but c'mon now). And just in time for me to DVR Impact and fast forward to whatever must-see, bonkers, accidentally-hilarious shit that these esteemed fellows come up with. Already Matt Hardy got dreadlocks and Jeff Hardy smoked a cigarette on the way to the ring at Genesis - I can't even begin to wonder what kind of Megazord of crazy that the core group will form when they get together.

Thank you, mythical wrestling gods, for answering my prayers. I only hope my DVR can process the lunacy that will inevitably come.

Welp, that's it. One more enormous return blog for you to read (or, more likely, scroll through and look at the pictures). Did I miss anything? If it's Matt Hardy related, it's okay, I think I got enough.

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