Friday, January 28, 2011


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Poor Kane.

He's always just been there. Just waiting around in a room panting, sometimes laughing, always requesting red lights ("guys, I love this space, it's great... but could it be a little more red? - You have LIGHTS? I LOVE IT LETS RUN WITH IT FOREVER"). And if he wasn't there, just as you were thinking "hey, I don't think we've seen Kane this we--" KABLAMMY - out lumbers Kane.

But for all of the time he's spent just being there, looking unexplainably wet, and sounding laboured in his evil breathing, and sometimes crying - he always had one thing going for him: The Royal Rumble.

Kane, if you haven't seen a Royal Rumble (or heard Michael Cole talk about the Royal Rumble) in ten years, holds the record for most eliminations in a single Rumble: 11 (should be 12 for making Drew Carey piss his ski pants and Plinko himself over the top rope). He holds another record for appearing in 12 consecutive Rumble matches (14 total - yet another record). That 2001 Rumble was easily his best - he was the last to be eliminated, he logged the most time out of everyone and he managed to eliminate the unstoppable ex-tag team force of Al Snow and Steve Blackman.

Kane even eliminated Fatu as Dr. Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. in the 1996 Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, he eliminated no one as Fake Diesel the following year, because he was a wrestler with the word "fake" in his name. He was also a wrestler with the word "Diesel" in his name.

With all of these notches on his belt (er, leggings, whatever), Kane has built himself up to be a legitimate threat every time the Rumble comes around. Here's where the sad part comes in.

If you're in the Royal Rumble, that means two things: one - you're fighting for your shot at a World Title at WrestleMania. Two - you're not the World Champion.

For 14 years, and every consecutive year since 1999, Kane has not been the World Champion or #1 Contender come January - Road to WrestleMania time. That is kinda sad, isn't it? For a guy who's been there for fucking ever, and before that he was a Fake Diesel and an evil dentist and a Christmas tree, and yet somehow managed to get and stay over for those twelve years, he's just been the "Royal Rumble Guy." And not even because he's won one!

Not only that, but Triple H has competed in nearly half the number of Rumbles that Kane has, and he holds the record for most cumulative time spent in the Royal Rumble Match, beating Kane by like fifty minutes. That's a long fucking time.

So here's what I see happening this year for Kane, who must be excited for the one thing he's portrayed at being good at. Kane isn't doing anything right now. He's just pokin' around wrestling when's he's told to. This is what happens when you murder the Undertaker, you've got nothing left to do. So you just move on and be a normal wrestler. What a weirdo.

Anyway, Kane needs something to do. And what I think he's going to do, because he's got nowhere else to go, is pad those Rumble stats.

Kane will need something new to brag about, Michael Cole will need something to go hoarse about, and Kane (the word Kane is losing it's meaning) only four eliminations away from tying Shawn Michaels' all-time elimination record of 38. I think Kane's story for the 2011 Royal Rumble is pretty clear.

He obviously will do the "Three Faces of Glenn Jacobs" and enter three separate times as Kane, Isaac Yankem and Fake Diesel.

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