Sunday, January 16, 2011

MATT HARDY VS. VAL VENIS IS THE NEW SHANE HELMS VS. SHAWN MICHAELS

In case you haven't been obsessing over pro wrestling internet feuds instead of things that actually matter like I have, let me get you up to speed.

Shane Helms had this to say about Shawn Michaels. It's a lot to read, but essentially what I gather from it is that Helms is mad at HBK for being a bad Christian and for not being his fwend :( . Shawn Michaels had nothing to say in response, probably because he doesn't give a fuck what The Hurricane says. Especially when every other word is a swear. Wassup wit dat?!

Also, I love when people say things like, "I was this close to beating him up." What the fuck does that even mean? Anybody could say that. "I was this close to beating him up and embarrassing him in front of all of his friends and throwing him off a building and into traffic and lighting him on fire!!!"

Anyway, Helms just comes off as a guy who wished he could be best buds with Shawn Michaels, but Shawn didn't want to be his friend because ew, it's Shane Helms. So Helms talks about how close he was to beating Shawn up, but when asked what Shawn did to make him so mad, Helms says he wants to save it for his "shoot interview DVD," which means he didn't do anything and Shane Helms is just being ridiculous.

Then, enter Val Venis:


And, never to be outdone on YouTube, Matt Hardy's response:


In case you're too lazy to watch ten minutes of wrestlers calling each other names, here's what happened. Sean Morley called Matt Hardy talentless, and made fun of him for being such a weirdo on the internet. Matt Hardy, then did the unthinkable, and essentially TATTLED ON VAL VENIS.

Matt's video opens up on an email from a promoter that knows both Morley and Matt, with Matt saying he's going to expose the fraud that is Sean Morley. The email has texts from Morley to the promoter that are typed out verbatim. They say that Morley has no real heat with Matt, but that he just likes messing with his fans, and he's potentially building to an angle they can do on the indies someday. Morley also says that the promoter can tell Matt, but not anyone else, and if Matt or Shane find out, they should bury him in every way to keep this thing alive.

Matt Hardy then seemingly ignores that and takes it all to heart, and starts talking about how great his life is and he has a million dollar house and could retire right now if he wanted to and his life is great guys just like he says in every single tweet he does so how could his life be bad if he keeps saying how great it is it's fine it's sweet my life rules you guys IT'S GREAT MY LIFE IS GREEAAAAAAAAT

I don't understand what's happening here.

Val Venis: "Matt Hardy is talentless and trampoline wrestling is lame! (psst, hey Matt - go with it! It's an angle!)"

Matt Hardy: "I WAS IN WWE FOR 12 YEARS AND MY HOUSE IS SWEET SO FUCK YOU"

Val Venis: "..."

Anyway, these internet feuds aren't doing it for me. Someone call me when they get to DIE SLOW MOTHERFUCKER proportions.

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