So I've been gone a long time. Like a long time. Like left for WCW and a fat guy dressed as "Fake Pizzabodyslam" came out and you were like "wtf that's not the real pizzabodyslam, he's in wcw now wrestling under his real name, Grib Tendleman" long.
I've been gone for 683 days. TWO YEARS BASICALLY. I've missed like 87% of a 434 day CM Punk WWE Title run. I've missed the entire undefeated streak, and DEBUT for that matter, of The Shield. I've missed a Once In A Lifetime match and it happened TWICE. I'VE BEEN GONE FOR TWO LIFETIMES.
Truthfully, I've only really been gone for a few months. I've been mostly keeping up over the past two years, but I legitimately missed a chunk of time when things got too busy. In fact, I've basically seen everything (here and there) right up until SummerSlam of this year.
Actually, I watched SummerSlam too. Well, most of it. I saw the whole thing but paused it right after Daniel Bryan beat John Cena for the WWE Championship. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't see, so I just called it a night. That show was perfect from top to bottom (well, almost bottom - still gotta finish it! haha but what could happen in like ninety seconds).
BUT, now that I'm back, I can start catching up! Alright, let me get settled here and bring up the DVR. Not sure why I feel the need to watch the very end of SummerSlam... I guess that little WWE copyright thing gives me comfort. Anyway, here we go, time to unpause and watch Daniel Bryan's uninterrupted title celebration of pure catharsis!
SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE
... is this the darkest timeline?
Sidenote: before I dive into this, I should point out that this won't be a typical SIBG post. I've had seven of these suckers now, and normally I talk about all the things I missed whilst neglecting this place. Because there's two lifetimes worth of dub dubby e I need to recap, I'll probably split it up into a few posts, to ensure my first post back doesn't gas me by being 90,000 paragraphs on Total Divas and then I disappear for a Shawn Michaels amount of time.
I don't know if I have much to say on the ending to SummerSlam. In fact, when it happened, of the two camps (the first being the WHAT THE FUCK FUCK YOU TRIPLE H I HATE YOU FOR REAL NOT AS A HEEL THOUGH FUCK RANDY ORTON'S STUPID SHINY BODY camp and the second being the Wait And See Where It Goes™, Brandon Stroud) I fell into the latter.
I so badly wanted to see Bryan have his untouched, unH'd moment of beating John Cena squeaky-ass clean in the middle of the ring. The fact that you can type the sentence "Bryan Danielson beat John Cena clean in the SummerSlam main event for the WWE Championship" and you're not the booker of a "real guys only" e-fed is fucking nuts.
BUT, I thought this was all going to lead to an even bigger moment. Because while I do feel that WWE has ruined basically every guy's "first" WWE Championship moment (the moments that made Shawn Michaels and Stone Cold and so on), by having Money In The Bank or two World Titles and chucking the belt on guys super early, it's the reality of the world (wrestling entertainment) we live in.
So while the SummerSlam moment was tarnished by the taint of Triple H forcing the back of Bryan's head into the mat, I've been solemnly praying to the non-JBL wrestling gods (are you there wrestling god, it's me, pizzabodyslam from internet), that we'll get our sweet, sweet WrestleMania payoff for Daniel Bryan.
That said, it was definitely a shock to my system to watch SummerSlam and then miss almost three straight months of wrestling, and then jump back in at Survivor Series. Seeing Punk and Bryan relegated back to the midcard after putting on arguably two of the best matches of the year on the same night, gave my wrestling boner a sad. And that Orton/Big Show main event? WOOF. Not to mention the next night on Raw featured a guest host, Orton/Cena angles and the commentary team screaming TWERK at nobody or nothing - it was like 2009 gave me a Bronco Buster.
But it all makes sense in my delusional stupid brain (not the bronco buster part). Having Bryan chase the title from SummerSlam all the way to WrestleMania would be brutal, if the goal is to have him finally take it back on the big stage. How rough are three consecutive screwy PPV finishes where he's H'd out of the belt? Imagine like SEVEN or whatever it would've been.
I don't know what will happen. Bryan wins the Rumble, Punk and Bryan both win the Rumble, Goldberg comes back to spear Bryan and hug Triple H, WrestleMania ends with Triple H STANDING TALL holding the unified WWE Title (and all of our collective nutsacks), I DON'T KNOW. But my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan heart is fluttering around thanks to my stupid 11 year old wrestling fan brain convincing me that one of those moments that happens once every few years that is so good it makes up for the relentless soul destroying shit we put up with is just around the corner.
Check back here around April and I'll either be gleefully typing more run on sentences in all caps about SummerSlam being worth it, or I'll have transformed into a real life Bray Wyatt, rocking in my rocking chair, my psyche finally obliterated by the stranglehold WWE has on me.
they been lyin' to you maaaaannnnnn