NOW JUST WHERE THE HECK DID I PUT MY SMILE? CAN'T FIND THAT THING ANYWHERE

Yes, it's that time again. I'll be taking another leave of absence. It'll be one month until you see fresh ink (or whatever this stuff is made of) on this blog again (although, there is always that very slim chance that I'll chime in with something if I find the time (and the smile)).

As always, when I return I'll most likely do a Since I've Been Gone post, which I really should add to my Recurring Features section. They're fun to do, and hopefully to read too.

While I'm gone, here are some things to keep your wrestling libido strong and healthy:

FAIR TO FLAIR

First and foremost, be Fair To Flair. There will be tons of new stuff going up while I'm gone, including the Wrestlespective Radio podcast series that covers the final matches of every single WrestleMania, one episode a day. That's 26 podcasts in 26 days, with me featured on three of them (XIV, XX, XXV). So even though I'm gone, you can still hear my voice. You can also hear my voice if you place your ear up against a conch shell.

CHECK OUT: Fair To Flair, Wrestlespective, Kick-Out!! Wrestling, Footnotes of Wrestling

THE WRESTLING BLOG

You can always count on my BroBro Brazil (have we used that one yet? My brain is shrivelling up from thinking of so many) TH of The Wrestling Blog to have all of your pro wrestling needs taken care of. He is an animal when it comes to banging posts out, and he very well may be the most thorough wrestling blogger out there, covering everything from WWE and TNA all the way down to the most obscure indies. He's currently accepting ballots for the A1W 100, which you can read all about here.

CHECK OUT: The Wrestling Blog, Tom Holzerman on Twitter, A1W 100

BRANDON STROUD

Normally this is where I would point you to where I go to read hilarious wrestling recaps and blogs, which would be Brandon Stroud's posts on AOL FanHouse. However, he seems to be done there. Thankfully, I found him on Twitter, but it appears that he doesn't have a wrestling-related thing on the go. I feel like I'm following him around the Internet like a weird kind of stalker who isn't looking for sex, just laughter. I want my laughter.

CHECK OUT: Brandon Stroud on Twitter, his Vintage Promo series on FanHouse, his posts at Progressive Boink (some of which have to do with wrestling, most don't), and finally everything he's done at FanHouse

TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING

I recently found this blog, I think, thanks to Jason Mann. It's funny and honest, which I find to be a rare quality in wrestling blogs. Scott and Brent write about wrestling today, and review wrestling from the past. Just read the site description and try and tell me you don't want to go there right now:

Brent and Scott are young midwestern men in their late 20s and they love professional wrestling. Scott leans heavily toward 80s-early 90s Crockett/WCW, as well as World Class. Brent likes everything Bill Watts ever did. They both sided mostly with WCW during the legit years of The Monday Night Wars. They have a fondness for ECW if not a love. There's nothing stopping them from watching Japanese wrestling, but they probably won't. JOIN THEM IN LIFE!

CHECK OUT: Tape Machines Are Rolling, Scott on Twitter

FLAIR CHOP ILLUSTRATED - THE OLD SCHOOL WRESTLING PODCAST

I'm a little late getting on the Flair Chop choo-choo, but listening to the latest podcast (their review of The Main Event from Feb. 5th, 1988) had me hooked. I'd heard a few other episodes before, but the old 80's commercials (with Jason and Justine Bateman) had me busting a gut. Love stuff like that. Their review was also a lot of fun to listen to. I fear that I might get in shit with Jason considering I'm promoting another old-school wrestling podcast other than his (in fact, they're in a very serious podcast war at the moment), but I'll stick my neck out just this once. I'M NOT A GUTLESS INDIVIDUAL.

CHECK OUT: The Old School Wrestling Podcast, and Black Cat (of the podcast) on Twitter

And finally, some of my favourite Tumblr blogs that you should check out:

- We Watch Wrestling

- Drop Toehold

- Turnbuckle Zine

- Fuck Yeah Wrestling

- On Wrestling

- Where's Randy Savage?

- And really, anyone I reblog on my tumblr.

There's too many to mention, I know I've forgot some. That's the great thing about Tumblr though - there's no shortage of great wrestling blogs.

I think that's more than enough. I could say more (Colt Cabana's Art of Wrestling podcast, Dave Lagana's I Want Wrestling podcasts - Formerly Creative, 15 Minutes, Press The Press) but I am positive you already know about and listen to them. If you don't, I am very perplexed as to how you could find me but not them.

And I'll also be scheduling some tweets ahead of time, pointing you to some of my favourite older posts and what have you.

So yeah, that's uh... that's a lot of homework I just assigned.

Keep fit and have fun you guys.

Sincerely,

PIZZABODYSLAM

03/07/11 RAW REVIEW: G RATED FILTH (AND STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD)

This Raw review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a real dragonzord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr too (links at the bottom). Jason edited this jumbled mess of links and swear words, so kudos to him. On with the show.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN (AND JBL) AUSTIN

I love wrestling. I wish I could storm into any meeting where someone is signing a contract, beat the crap out of everyone in the room and sign my name on the dotted line — as if that would ever be legally binding in any way — and then go long for some flying beers on the way out.

Michael Cole, on a regular day, is a giant douche. But when it’s time for him to get in the ring and gloat about something, or trick you into thinking Stone Cold Steve Austin is his guest referee, or slam the entire state you’re from, or SAY ANYTHING AT ALL, he is such a COCK. That is the most eloquent way I can put it, because it can’t be put any other way. Add in JBL, who plays such a perfect, long-winded bastard (and he delivered one of my favourite anti-hometown heel promos maybe I’ve ever seen, as it seemed so effortless and completely not forced at all), and you have me foaming at the mouth for a Stone Cold Stunner OH WAIT HERE HE COMES STONE COLD STONE COLD WJLHK

But the stand-out, hands-down, bottom line (because I said so) best part about this entire segment was Michael Cole’s pathetic, hoarse, begging and pleading into the headset for Austin not to sign the contract. In fact it was so good, I’m going to re-watch it right now (edit: I watched it and yes, it was still so good).

This segment was hard to even write about because I liked it so much, and prefer it as something I get giddy watching on the couch by myself like the cool guy I am.

JOHN CENA = GOOFY, BUT RIGHT. THE MIZ = VERY SERIOUS, AND ALSO RIGHT.

No matter how silly and prop-based and titantron-aided John Cena’s rap was, his main point can’t be argued. This has always been about John Cena calling The Rock out for leaving the business he claims he loves. Even if Cena’s response on Monday was riddled with G-rated filth, The Rock cut a taped promo from his house about how he loves the WWE after saying he is “never, ever going away.” And no matter how much I didn’t believe that when he said it, it’s still cannon fodder for Cena (when he’s not talking about ejaculating on people).

Speaking of Cena - hey John, here’s jizz mud in your eye! Because you sure looked dumb getting beatdown by The Miz to close Raw. There’s nothing like watching you bring a pearl necklace, a photoshopped picture and a homemade T-shirt to the ring to help illustrate all of the different ways you want semen and poop and The Rock to all interact, and then get clobbered by the guy you’re actually wrestling at WrestleMania.

This really sold the fact that The Miz has been an afterthought in this Rock/Cena business, and he’s the WWE Champion going in to WrestleMania. And while the Rock did bring it “via satellite,” The Miz just plain brought it in the form of beating up his opponent. Well done.

NO, I NEVER THOUGHT DOLPH ZIGGLER WAS FIRED FOR REAL EITHER

But I sure am glad to have him back blinding and maiming John Morrison in various ways. Poor JoMo. He didn’t make it on TV last week, and this week he gets poked in the eye and kicked in the leg — something that seems to happen to him pretty often.

Dolph Ziggler is the man. He lives his gimmick, and I’ve mentioned before that he’s my favourite guy to watch fall down on purpose (or “take a bump” for those of you in the know! Also, I think “heel” means “bully”). I’m happy to see that he has a shot to be a part of WrestleMania in a non-19-man Money In The Bank kinda way.

Honourable Mention: Seeing those we didn’t expect to see.

Sin Cara. Christian. Shawn Michaels. JBL. Sunny. Kevin Kelly. I like surprises. And I’m not one of those people who complains about the brand split not being honoured or whatever. I think those people just like pointing out they know things. Well, I know things too. For example, WWE has had more people attend their shows yearly than the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals, and my birthday combined.

BONUS HONOURABLE MENTION: The music.

First, Johnny Cash sings Undertaker’s new theme song (check out a fine discussion about that here). And then last night, the Bobby Hebb song “Sunny” was used in Sunny’s Hall of Fame induction video. This song has been done by everyone, from Dusty Springfield to Marvin Gaye to Nick Cave. I love when WWE uses music that isn’t done by a band called Wretch Machine or Killbang or whatever other shitty band no one’s heard of until they do the Official Theme Song for WWE Fatal 4-Way.

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 03/07/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

CAN SHEAMUS PLEASE FIND A NICE MIDDLE GROUND?

If he’s not getting kicked in the balls and Pedigree’d so hard that he’s both literally and figuratively buried, he’s tweaking his ankle in a losing effort against Daniel Bryan and still somehow getting a U.S. Title shot next week (which he’ll win). I have a friend who will set his dick on fire if Snooki counts that pinfall. Is that what you want, WWE? It’s not my fault I have irrational friends, but it is your fault that you’re making Sheamus like a helpless dope who can’t defend himself. And now you’re bringing the best wrestler in the world into this. And maybe Snooki. But that’s entirely made up on my account. So that’s my fault. But the other stuff —not my fault.

G-RATED FILTH

Whenever John Cena makes a joke using words that are clean for PG television, but the meanings are not, this is all I can think of:

“Every time I do a TV show, um, and I have a line like that, the producers never say to me ‘DON’T SAY THAT.’ Because I wouldn’t say it, I know you couldn’t say that on TV. They always say ‘could you think of a cute G-rated way to say that so we can broadcast it?’ There’s nothing more offensive and disturbing to me than G-rated filth. Like, what is worse: ‘I wanna fuck your wet pussy’ or ‘I’m gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice!’ Which, right there, that’s totally G-rated. You can say that on TV. It’s fucking horrifying. That’s what you say to a girl you have in a pit in the bottom of your basement as you’re lowering stuff in a basket. ‘When Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints!’ All right, again, all that was totally fucking G-rated.” - Patton Oswalt on G-rated filth

MASON RYAN AND DAVID OTUNGA

I wish someone would make Mason Ryan a trolley or something so we never have to watch him twinkle-toe spring to the ring again. Thankfully, Randy Orton has taken care of David Otunga’s lip-biting by bouncing his brain of the inside of his skull with a punt to the head.

I just can’t take these two guys seriously. They both look like cartoon muscle men they’re so jacked, but somehow I look at them and think they couldn’t harm a fly. I’m just happy that CM Punk will get to stand on his own at WrestleMania (or at the very least, just with Mason Ryan) and not be brought down by these orange (green?) dum dums any longer.

Honourable Mention: I’ll never get a CM Punk/Stone Cold Steve Austin promo, will I?

It’s all I want you guys. All I want.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

Fair To Flair - On Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

Jason Mann - Wrestlespective, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

K. Sawyer Paul - Footnotes of Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr

Razor - Kick-Out!! Wrestling, on Twitter, on Tumblr, on Facebook

FUNNIEST SHIT OF ALL TIME: BRIAN KENDRICK ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT

HOLY SHIT. I don't know why this is so funny, but it is. Maybe it's the Kendrick taunt he pulled when he won. Or maybe it's because it's Brian Kendrick and Drew Carey on TV and I'm not watching a Royal Rumble.

Via - Arda Ocal's Twitter Feed

AS IF WE NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE CM PUNK

This is what he tweeted to John Cena just a little bit ago:

Gotta give credit to Fuck Yeah Cenation for posting this on tumblr, which is where I spend too much time creepin'.

THE FUTURE ENDEAVORS POWER POLL: 03/05/11

Every week I, along with several other wrestling blogs (including my Abe "Knucklebro" Schwartz, TH of The Wrestling Blog), will be sending in my top ten wrestlers to Don Owens of Future Endeavors. My votes are compiled with those of the other bloggers and that gives us the Power Poll. Here's this week's rankings (go to Future Endeavors to view the official write-up) and don't forget to check out the Future Endeavors Podcast.

NUMBER ONE THIS WEEK

THE MIZ, PROBABLY FOR THIS TWITPIC

Photo - @mikethemiz

NOT RANKED THIS WEEK

MATT HARDY, PROBABLY FOR THIS TWITPIC

Photo - @MATTHARDYBRAND

FUTURE ENDEAVORS POWER POLL: 03/05/11

1. The Miz

2. The Rock

3. Triple H

4. John Cena

5. Edge

6. CM Punk

7. Alberto Del Rio

8. Cody Rhodes

9. Randy Orton

10. Jack Swagger

PIZZABODYSLAM POWER POLL VOTES: 03/05/11

1. Chris Hero

2. Claudio Castagnoli

- IN KAYFABE: Retained the most prestigious tag team belts in all of wrestling, the ROH World Tag Team Titles, at ROH's 9th Anniversary show; let the people know that they've gone everywhere and beaten everybody, except for Puerto Rico; an angry Puerto Rican named Homicide took offence.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Of the two tag team matches on the show, I enjoyed the Kings of Wrestling vs. The All Night Express the most. Haas/Benjamin vs. The Briscoes was great, but the crowd was hanging on every moment (and every word - "HEY!!!"), and ANX brought it like they've never brought it before.

3. Cody Rhodes

- IN KAYFABE: Attacked and unmasked Rey Mysterio with the help of his dad (it's nice when fathers and sons do things together); ...everyone was staring at him.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: He is easily my favourite part of SmackDown. I loved everything he did. I already gushed about this in my SmackDown review, so I won't go on and on about it. But I will brush my hair like this everyday from now on.

4. Triple H

- IN KAYFABE: Said if he can't kill the Undertaker, he'll die trying; apparently wants the nickname "The Last Outlaw" too, because THE DESTROYER never really stuck (only with me); kicked an Irishman in the balls; cried.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: I was maybe the one person on the internet who liked Triple H's promo on Monday. It didn't really connect with live crowd, he "buried" the entire roster, and then proceeded to dispose of Sheamus a DX glowstick. But there was some weird emotional thing going on too. I like it when Triple H cries, or at least when he makes those strange guttural noises when he's mad at Randy Orton.

5. Christopher Daniels

6. Eddie Edwards

- IN KAYFABE: These two had an awesome 2/3 Falls match for the TV Title at ROH's 9th Anniversary Show.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: The match included a top rope hurricanrana from Edwards to Daniels that somehow busted the top of Daniels' head open. Don't know if it was a blade. Don't know how it happened. Don't know if it's a work or a shoot. I love Ring of Honor.

7. Roderick Strong

- IN KAYFABE: Retained his ROH World Championship in an impromptu Barrios Street Fight against Homicide.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Remains the guy that you forget is awesome, even though he's the World Champion. He's also a guy that gets picked on way too much by internet fans. I'm always in awe of his actual athletic ability, and how he seemingly never gets tired.

8. Jack Swagger

- IN KAYFABE: Was named Michael Cole's trainer for the Cole/Lawler WrestleMania match; put Jerry Lawler in the ankle lock; made short work of an already injured Kofi Kingston on SmackDown.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: I know this happened this week on SmackDown. But. This.

9. Kenny King

10. Rhett Titus

- IN KAYFABE: Fell short in their quest for the ROH World Tag Team Titles.

- OUT OF KAYFABE: Kenny King landed a never-before-attempted Shooting Star Press in a true OMFG moment. Even though they rapped their promo in the VideoWire, they've been stepping it up quite a bit lately in the ring. Between their match with Cole and O'Reilly at Final Battle and now this match with the Kings of Wrestling, the All Night Express of elevated themselves big time in my eyes.

Well it looks like my efforts to get ROH into the Power Poll didn't pan out so well. Maybe this week we can at least get Colt Cabana in there for winning the NWA World Heavyweight Title. Yes, this is me campaigning for votes.

FUTURE ENDEAVORS INFO TO KNOW:

Future Endeavors - The Site

Future Endeavors - The Podcast

Future Endeavors Power Poll Voters - The Twitter Feeds

Future Endeavors Hosts on Twitter - Future Endeavors,Don Owens, Corey Santiago & Fat Man After Dark

ARE MY ALL OF MY PREMONITIONS COMING TRUE?

Or is that the actual definition of premonition? What is the definition of premonition? I need to stop rhyming because this is turning into a Savage Garden song. I'm too lazy to look it up, but let me just continue on as if I know what the word means.

Just today, WWE.com announced that famous troll woman Snooki will be hosting RAW next week. Naturally, everybody complained and then everybody else told them to calm down. But let's talk about the most important part - how I predicted this trend almost a year ago.

I proposed an idea for a wrestling character based on a Jersey Shore "dancing asshole." It wasn't long until Robbie E debuted in TNA, J-WOWW and Angelina started appearing on Impact, and now Snooki is hosting RAW. I'm a fucking genius!

And tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin is hosting RAW. It was almost exactly a year ago to the day when Austin last hosted RAW, and I had prayed for a CM Punk/Stone Cole showdown of some kind. It didn't end up happening. But earlier today, Punk had this to say on Twitter:

TWO FOR TWO.

Even my girlfriend is in on this premonition business. I should warn you that I'm about to both spoil the movie Hall Pass (uh, a small part of it), and talk about penises. This is your chance to stop reading. Or continue reading if you enjoy Owen Wilson and male genitalia.

...

Looks like you're a fan! Okay, so the other night, my girlfriend had a really weird dream. She dreamt that she was at a party, walked into the bathroom, and saw two people, both African American (it's important to the story, I swear!) one male, one female, naked in the tub, with the guy just awkwardly rubbing his penis on the girl's face. Yep. You know that now. You can't not know that now.

So then later that night we went and saw Hall Pass. There is a scene when Owen Wilson is in a jacuzzi at a gym, falls asleep, and gets rescued by a big naked black man, and Owen's head gets nuzzled right up near his giant penis.

Tub. Big black penis. Right by the face. PREMONITION.

Did you need to know this? Certainly not. But we were freaking out in the theatre, and I felt the need to share it with you.

Please still come to my blog.

The end.

COLT CABANA - A CHAMPION OF THE PEOPLE

Mere hours ago, Colt Cabana became the 82nd NWA World Heavyweight Champion (30th man to hold the belt), ending Adam Pearce's 8-days-short of a full year reign. This was Pearce's third and longest reign with the title.

It is CRAZY to see how many people, many of which (probably close to all) weren't at the NWA Hollywood taping, are congratulating Colt on his win. Although, it shouldn't come as a surprise. Colt Cabana is a man, and now a champion, of the people.

When Colt was let go by the WWE, people were pissed. But I totally believe that if this whole Scotty Goldman hire/fire business took place after he started the Art of Wrestling, people would be DOUBLE PISSED. This podcast has done more for Colt than a billion WWE.com Jewish talk shows could do.

The Art of Wrestling podcast was the first of it's kind. It was a everything you loved about shoot interviews, but replace the lifeless voices that usually ask the questions and replace it with Colt Cabana. It's not a podcast done by fans that shout their opinions at you. It's not a podcast that's imitating talk radio (why someone would want to imitate that, I don't know). It's a conversation.

And it's this conversational, casual style that makes you relate to Colt in a way that you never could had he just continued on his way in WWE. He would've been hilarious, especially had he been able to employ some of the ideas he mentions in his shoot, but the realness of AOW is what gets you behind Colt.

He's just about to go live on Sunday Night Stu as the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. So I'm going to listen to that and wonder what Harley Race or Lou Thesz would be like hosting a podcast in a studio... apartment where they talk to Wahoo McDaniel about mutton chops or something.

Credit - Dave Lagana's I Want Wrestling

02/28/11 RAW REVIEW: JOHN "FULL OF HATE" CENA

This review is also posted at Fair To Flair, where I joined forces with Jason Mann of Wrestlespective, Razor of Kick-Out!! Wrestling and K. Sawyer Paul of Footnotes of Wrestling to create a megazord of a wrestling site. Check out FTF, as well as all of their individual blogs and podcasts, and we're also all on tumblr, because we can't stop finding websites to blabber about wrestling on. Links at the end of the post. ALRIGHT ON WITH IT

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/28/11

LIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

TRIPLE H: A PROMO WITH EMOTION (OR PINK EYE, CAN’T TELL)

I’m willing to admit that one of the things that make me cry is seeing another man cry (I’m not trying to bait John Cena into attacking me, I swear). It’s then infinitely amplified when I see a pro wrestler crying. Shawn Michaels’ retirement speech last year was worse than when my cat died. Triple H wasn’t anywhere near HBK territory (I was tempted to write “tear-itory, but thought better of myself) — in fact I may have been more invested in Dolph Ziggler’s Twitter farewell — but I felt like there was some truth behind what THE DESTROYER was saying. Besides the fact that he said he has “no challenges left,” and then kicked the nuts of the guy who put him out of action for nine months.

EVAN BOURNE

He was on TV for maybe ninety seconds, but it was like a breath of fresh air (Bourne!)… I’m looking at a pun per paragraph here. When a healthy chunk of your roster are being churned out of FCW with seemingly no experience elsewhere, it’s always exciting to watch Evan Bourne wrestle on Raw. I typically reach my stomp-quota about a half-hour into the show, but when Bourne appears on my TV screen moving with the kind of speed that a real fight takes place in, I get FIRED UP. Guys like Bourne, Bryan, Punk, Del Rio, Regal, and anyone who doesn’t wrestle that super generic style, are SO necessary on this show. I don’t need to see a Pumphandle Neckbreaker Piledriver-Valley-Driver-Driver or anything, but I like having some kind of variety on the show.

WHAT D’YA THINK OF THAT LAWLER

How Michael Cole can bring such real emotion and intensity to a promo (and a feud in general, be it against Daniel Bryan or Jerry Lawler), but offer none of that on commentary (prior to his heel persona) is perplexing to me. He is so perfectly irritating and annoying and self-important and everything a character like him should be, that I literally can’t even fully appreciate it when I watch him, because all I can think about is punching his face inside out. Here’s a sign of how much heat Michael Cole has: Jack Swagger, a former World Champion, is getting a rub from Michael Cole, the announcer. CRAZY.

Honourable Mention: The hype of WrestleMania.

This show had a crazy amount of stuff going for it, and it’s all thanks to the hype of WrestleMania. The Rock’s response to John Cena, Shawn Michaels commenting on the Triple H/Undertaker match (which was a very well-done package, the kind I’d love to see more of to hype big matches), the announcements of Sin Cara’s signing and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s return to Raw next week (which was accompanied by a video of Austin beating the crap out of Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner and Eric Bischoff), a steel-cage match, Evan Bourne making his return — a lot of big, “newsworthy” things happened on this show. There wasn’t a ton of wrestling to be had, but that’s cool with me (as long as I get interested in the matches for WrestleMania). So…

MONDAY NIGHT RAW 02/28/11

DISLIKED...

Photo - WWE.com

THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA IS GETTING FOGGY

With all of those things on ONE show, how did this Raw end up so… bad?

Last week everything seemed so clear. Triple H wants Undertaker’s streak. The Miz and John Cena don’t take Rock’s words kindly. Randy Orton and CM Punk don’t like each other. John Morrison actually appeared on television.

But this week, I feel way more confused. There were a TNA-amount of sneak attacks on the show. Alex Riley was the fifth person “fired” in like two weeks time. And can anyone tell me in less than two sentences just what the FUCK this Miz/Cena feud featuring The Rock (or Cena/Rock feud featuring The Miz) is about?

It seems so scatterbrained. The Miz is trying to be taken seriously, and now doing things, like attacking Daniel Bryan, because “he can.” John Cena is mad at The Miz, and I thought Michael Cole (“your boy is done”), for eliminating him from the Royal Rumble, but also for winning and losing the Tag Titles with him. But he’s not too mad, even though he got deathly serious at the Rumble, because he’s cracking jokes and putting his arm around Miz and all that good stuff. But he’s also upset at The Rock for leaving us, and Miz is upset at The Rock for overlooking him. So Cena baits Miz into a match that got Alex Riley “fired” as his assistant, and Miz attacked him.

Reads like a classic, doesn’t it?

The Onion has a Raw review up (thanks to FTF contributor K. Sawyer Paul for pointing me to this) that talks about the difficulty of reviewing “unfinished stories” like you would when covering a TV series or a wrestling show that is leading to a bigger payoff (like WrestleMania). While this Miz/Cena feud is certainly an unfinished story, I feel like most good stories have me hooked by this point.

SHEAMUS TOOK A LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE KICK IN THE NUTS

“Alright Sheamus, I know we had you put Triple H out of action for nine months, but tonight you’re going to go out there and get kicked in the balls and pedigreed through a table so hard that it launches Michael Cole’s water bottle in the air and after that you’ll be pinned by the guy we used to make you look good for all of last year, sound good — it doesn’t matter if it sounds good! Haha, oh I’m glad the Rock’s back, aren’t you? Next week we’ll have him kick you in the nuts - it’s your new gimmick, cool? — It doesn’t matter if it’s cool! Oh man I’m hilarious. You’re fired.” - Vince McMahon (not really).

I’m not going to say anything besides that that was pretty crazy. He kicked him in the balls! It would’ve been one thing if he just attacked him, but he literally kicked him in the balls like it was the punchline to a joke. But I’m sure Sheamus will be back doing Sheamus-like stuff next week, so I won’t get too worked up about it. I’ve got better things to worry about, like calling in to a radio show to get cursed at by Michael Cole.

JOHN CENA AND GAY JOKES

I need to come back to Cena for this one.

This Cena/Miz promo probably should’ve been as wordless as the Triple H/Undertaker promo from last week. And, I’m being 100% serious, the Triple H/Undertaker promo was way the fuck funnier than this one.

I don’t know how to come at this any other way, but John Cena needs to reel in the gay jokes. Richard Flynn of Bored Wrestling Fan wrote an article addressing Cena’s remarks that raised a lot of good points, which you should definitely check out.

But did anyone else find John Cena’s comment to The Miz, “… do you really want to look back years from now and realize you shared your legacy with another man?” to be particularly offensive, or at least out of place? Maybe it’s because no one laughed. Maybe it’s because there was no wit whatsoever. He didn’t tie in Rock’s movies to a “Brokeback Mountain” joke this time, he just plainly stated, essentially, that The Miz should regret being a homosexual. He also made a bukakke joke that went over everyone’s heads (mine included). Just… weird.

All of those remarks definitely seemed a lot more hateful than they were probably intended to be, because the jokes bombed big time. Still, it’s probably not the best idea to have your company’s biggest name making awkward gay jokes in 2011. Can’t we just go back to Bret Hart complaining about Shawn Michaels showing his “navel”?!

Honourable Mention: #IWantWrestling

While I stand by what I said earlier (not needing a ton of wrestling), I would prefer what little wrestling we get on this promo-heavy Road to WrestleMania to be good. There was a longer match between Orton and McGuillicutty, who can’t really cut (I almost wrote McGuillicut, but then thought better of myself) the greatest pace. There was a Divas Battle Royal that took place in fast-forward and ended in Eve selling a Bella twin attack like the plague. There was a steel-cage match between John Cena and Alex Riley, and the highlight was Cena and Miz wrestling a door.

Thankfully, I got my wrestling fill for about a year from ROH’s 9th Anniversary Show. You got lucky this time, Raw. LUCKY.

FAIR TO FLAIR CREW

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