WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: UNDERTAKER

18-0 or 17-1?

UNDERTAKER

WrestleMania Record: 17-0 (duh)

WrestleMania Moment: Probably beating everyone ever

WrestleMania History:

def. Jimmy Snuka (VII)

def. Jake Roberts (VIII)

def. Giant Gonzalez (IX)

def. King Kong Bundy (XI)

def. Diesel (XII)

def. Sycho Sid (13)

def. Kane (XIV)

def. The Big Boss Man (XV)

def. Triple H (X-Seven)

def. Ric Flair (X8)

def. The Big Show & A-Train (XIX)

def. Kane (XX)

def. Randy Orton (21)

def. Mark Henry (22)

def. Batista (23)

def. Edge (XXIV)

def. Shawn Michaels (XXV)

UNDERTAKER'S

MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - Unchained WWE Wallpapers

A rematch of the greatest WrestleMania match of all-time

UNDERTAKER'S

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

- Beat 16 different guys at WrestleMania

- Beat Shawn Michaels

- Shawn was like "rematch?"

- Taker's like "nope."

- Shawn goes postal at the Royal Rumble but can't win it

- So naturally, Shawn climbs out from under the Elimination Chamber like a ninja turtle and kicks Undertaker in his dead face

- Shawn was like "rematch?"

- Taker's like "ya bud"

- Mind games ensue

UNDERTAKER'S

PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Taker's entrance will be mind-numbingly epic. As many druids as there are fans. Smoke and fire and lightning and cauldrons and just craziness. He then slow-walks to the ring (unless one of those cauldrons get a hold of him, then it's a furious sprint) and he does the old "turn-the-lights-on-with-my-hands" thing, and there's more lightning and thunder.

But as he takes his hat off all dramatically, SHAWN SUPERKICKS HIS HEAD and begs for the bell to be rung! Taker kicks out, match continues, pants soiled.

UNDERTAKER'S

PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

Undertaker def. Shawn Michaels to maintain the greatest streak in all of sports (suck it Cal Ripken)

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: EDGE

Spear.

SPEAR

Spear: Spear

Spear: Spear

Spear:

Spear

Spear

Spear

Spear

Spear

Spear

Spear

Spear

SPEAR

SPEAR

Spear - Spear

Spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear

SPEAR

SPEAR

Spear - Spear

- Spear

- Spear

- Spear

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- Spear

- Spear

- Spear

- Spear

- Spearspearspearspearspear

- SPEAR

SPEAR

SPEAR

Spear - Spear

Spear spear spear, spear. Spear spear spear-spear spear spear spear spear.

Spear. Spear spear spear. Spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear spear. Spear spear.

Spear spear spear spear? Spear.

SPEAR

SPEAR

Spear - Spear

Spear.

Editor's note: After writing this I literally had to look up the word spear to make sure I was spelling it correctly, because it had lost it's meaning HARD.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: BATISTA

Big Dave has missed two WrestleMania's since debuting at XX (22 & XXV). At 23 he didn't make a triumphant return to the big stage (lost to 'Taker), what will happen when he returns on Sunday?

BATISTA

WrestleMania Record: 3-1

WrestleMania Moment: Defeating his former mentor Triple H to win his first World Championship.

WrestleMania History:

def. (with Randy Orton & Ric Flair) The Rock & Mick Foley (XX)

def. Triple H (21)

def. By Undertaker (23)

def. Umaga (XXIV)

BATISTA'S

MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - Unchained WWE Wallpapers

Defending his WWE Championship against 12 Rounds' John Cena

BATISTA'S

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - My own camera

- Felt Rey Mysterio was SPOSEDABEHISFRENNNN

- Became the biggest dickhead (what a dickhead)

- Was eliminated from the Royal Rumble by John Cena

- Did not appreciate that

- Smacked Bret Hart around for good measure

- Beat the sweatbands off John Cena after RAW went off the air, because Big Dave does not restrain himself to television schedules

- Beat John Cena for the WWE Championship seconds after he had won it at Elimination Chamber (forcing John Cena to crawl towards the big WrestleMania sign and reach out longingly to it)

- Faced John Cena in a match to determine if Cena would fight for Big Dave's WWE Title at WrestleMania

- Shadow-boxed for twelve minutes on his way to the ring

- Kicked Cena where the sun can't c him (thus throwing the match)

- Shadow-boxed some more

- Revealed his contempt for John Cena (and how he wants to face him at Mania) because he was "corporate created" and in the media's eye

- Went "heh heh" and dressed like he came from a post-apocolyptic future where AWA-era Road Warriors were the pinnacle of fashion

- Made believers out of all of his smark haters (me most definitely included) because he has never been better

BATISTA'S

PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

I predict Big Dave debuts some new entrance attire. Maybe a vest (like he's been wearing lately). Or something hilarious he strips off before doing the big "all eyes on me" spotlight-controlling thumbs.

I also predict he does more bodybuilding flexes and poses per second than ever before, and makes one child cry.

BATISTA'S

PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

John Cena def. Batista, because Cena NEVER GIVES UP.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: TRIPLE H

Tomorrow will be Triple H's 14th WrestleMania match. Crazy.

TRIPLE H

WrestleMania Record: 6-7

WrestleMania Moment: Being the first heel ever to win the final match on a WrestleMania card

WrestleMania History:

def. By Ultimate Warrior (XII)

def. Goldust (13)

def. Owen Hart (XIV)

def. By Kane (XV)

def. The Rock, Big Show & Mick Foley (2000)

def. By Undertaker (X-Seven)

def. Chris Jericho (X8)

def. Booker T (XIX)

def. By Chris Benoit (XX)

def. By Batista (21)

def. By John Cena (22)

def. By Randy Orton (XXIV)

def. Randy Orton (XXV)

TRIPLE H'S

MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

vs. SHEAMUS in a battle of the Lemmy sideburn-staches.

TRIPLE H'S

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

- Won the Unifed Tag Team Titles with Shawn Michaels

- Lost the titles because Shawn Michaels was TWEAKIN

- Tried talking sense into Shawn Michaels, but he would not have any of it

- Was eliminated from the Royal Rumble by Shawn Michaels, his oldest friend

- Watched as DX crumbled because of Shawn Michaels obsession with the Undertaker

- Is fighting Sheamus at WrestleMania

TRIPLE H'S

PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

If I could even come close to making up an entrance as absurd as being elevated up through the floor on a massive throne dressed like a prehistoric Thor, or coming to the ring on a tank telling people to SUCK IT while straddling the big tank gun in the loudest sexual innuendo ever created, then I would be a comic genius.

So I'm going over the top and I predict Triple H will ride a live dinosaur to the ring singing his own theme music.

TRIPLE H'S

PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

Sheamus def. Triple H to upset THE DESTROYER

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: CM PUNK

Place your right hand on your laptop screen to continue reading.

CM PUNK

WrestleMania Record: 2-1

WrestleMania Moment: Being the only STRAIGHT-EDGE man to win - and successfully cash-in, mind you - the Money In The Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania TWO YEARS IN A ROW. He would've made it three but he's got Raymond Stereo to deal with.

WrestleMania History:

def. By Mr. Kennedy - MITB (23)

def. Everyone - MITB (XXIV)

def. Everyone - MITB (XXV)

For the record this means Punk has defeated 13 people at two WrestleManias. If you haven't accepted him as your saviour, now's probably a good time to do so.

CM PUNK'S

MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

Attempting to add Rey Mysterio to the Straight-Edge Society

CM PUNK'S

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

- Accepted straight-edge into his life

- Became better person

- Formed Straight-Edge Society

- Was Eliminated by Rey Mysterio in the Smackdown Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

- Cut promos that put shame upon anyone else who's ever attempted at cutting a promo that good

- Sang Happy Birthday to Rey's daughter in the eeriest segment of television in television history

- Got a fan ejected from a live event for garnering the most heat since the Midnight Express and Jim Cornette

- Will make Rey Mysterio accept straight-edge into his life

CM PUNK'S

PREDICTED ENTRANCE WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

Punk crosses the line when he attempts to save another member of the WWE Universe - this time, it's a kid in a Rey Mysterio mask.

CM PUNK'S

PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

CM Punk def. Rey Mysterio to add a new member to the SES.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: JOHN MORRISON & R-TRUTH

Tag team specialists Morrison (ex-partners = The Miz, Joey Mercury) and R-Truth (ex-partners = Road Dogg) have been pointing at the WrestleMania sign for weeks now, and now it's time to point to the WrestleMania sign AT WrestleMania!

MORRISON & TRUTH

WrestleMania Record: 0-0 (Morrison = 0-1)

WrestleMania Moment: Morrison's laddersault from XXIV's Money In The Bank

WrestleMania History: None together, like ShoMiz.

MORRISON & TRUTH'S

MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

Challenging ShoMiz for four of their five belts.

MORRISON & TRUTH'S

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

- Johnny Nitro changed his name to John Morrison

- K-Kwik changed his name to R-Truth

- They found friendship in one another

- They changed their tag team name to Dis N Dat

- They changed their tag team name to Rock and Rap

- They changed their tag team name to Wisdom and Truth

- They changed their tag team name to Ebony and Ivory

- They changed their tag team name to Mo'Truth

- They changed their tag team name to LOD 2010

- They changed their tag team name to Ron-John

- They pointed at the WrestleMania sign

- Legit Tag threat

MORRISON & TRUTH'S

PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

This is the fucking Cadillac of entrances right here.

Ron-John come out to a new remixed version of "What's Up?!" which includes an extended uncensored verse and John Morrison singing the R&B girl hook. They dance and pose for thirty minutes in slow motion fireworks that bends the time-space continuum.

They high-five everyone in attendance and point to the WrestleMania sign and R-Truth is all, "PHOENIX ARIZONA - WHATS UP?!" and the crowd is all, "WHAT'S UP?!" and R-Truth is all, "dats wassup."

Then John Morrison gets caught up in the excitement and yells "IF YOU'RE NOT DOWN WITH THAT WE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA SUCK IT" and does the X-Pac rapid-fire crotch-chop taunt.

MORRISON & TRUTH'S

PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

ShoMiz def. Ron-John to retain their Unified World Tag Team Titles.

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK: SHOMIZ

Or Miz-Show. Or AWWWWW-BIG-BIIG-BIIIG-SOOMMMMMMEEE-BIIIG SHOOWWWWW ICAMETOPLAYBIGSHOOOOW. As their subtle mash-up them suggests.

SHOMIZ

WrestleMania Record: 0-0 (Miz: 0-0, Big Show: 1-8)

WrestleMania Moment: Walking into WrestleMania XXVI holding FIVE belts.

WrestleMania History: None as BFFs. On his own, Big Show has lost to anybody who's anybody. But I guess the good news for Miz is the only match Show has won at a Mania was a tag match.

SHOWMIZ'Z

MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

Defending their Unified World Tag Team Titles against John Morrison and R-Truth.

SHOWMIZ'Z

ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

- Teamed with Napoleon Dynamite

- Decided they might be better off on their own

- Defeated DX for the Tag Titles

- Found out they're facing Morrison and Truth at WrestleMania

- ...

- Ta-da!!

SHOWMIZ'Z

PREDICTED ENTRANCE AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

This feud is all about the music, so they're going to come out to a new mash-up theme that's even more LUDACRIS. They are carried out on thrones holding their gold, with famous couples of the world who have also mashed their names together (Brangelina, Hurri-Kane, Slam Master Wang [Slam Master J + Jimmy Wang Yang], etc.) doing the lifting.

Miz then cuts a promo on the city of Phoenix, saying that even Jean Grey couldn't save the Phoenix Coyotes from sucking (that's my terrible attempt at a Miz city-slaggin' promo). REALLY.

SHOWMIZ'Z

PREDICTED SHOWING AT WRESTLEMANIA XXVI

Photo - WWE.com

ShoMiz def. Morrison/Truth to retain all five of their belts.