PRO WRESTLING MOMENTS IN REAL LIFE: OVECHKIN SNOWS KID IN

Alexander Ovechkin turned heel on children everywhere when he skated full-speed at a flag-waving kid and stopped right in front of him - snowing the little feller in.

People are fuming over this, one hockey writer even kayfabed and called him "bush league," while hockey smarks everywhere applaud his heel tactics (knowing that hockey is in fact rigged).

You can catch the potential blow-off tonight as Montreal seeks revenge against Washington. If the kid interferes and costs Ovechkin's Capitals the game, I'll lose my shit. The IWC (IHC?) will call the finish "predictable" and trash Commissioner Gary Bettman's shock-value booking.

THE MANY DEATHS OF TIM DONST

CHIKARA's 2010 King of Trios begins tonight. So naturally, I went on an unstoppable CHIKARA YouTube bender.

I give you this video: a montage of Tim Donst getting killed to death.

And this bonus video, that will make you weep.

WHOA: MASSIVE WWE RELEASES

From WWE.com:

WWE has come to terms on the release of WWE Divas Mickie James and Katie Lea Burchill as well as Superstars Shelton Benjamin, Kung Fu Naki, Slam Master J and Jimmy Wang Yang as of today, April 22, 2010. We wish them the best in all future endeavors.

Okay, not all shockers. But Mickie James?! Holy shitting pisswit. That came out of nowhere.

With Shelton gone perhaps my dreams will in fact come true...

And Jimmy Wang Yang has already thrown up some hints on his Twitter:

"3 strike and your out i hear florida is a nice place to visit"

SO... DARREN YOUNG AND JOHN CENA

Thanks to Steve and French for putting these together (full credit to Steve for the John Cena blackface one at the end. You can send your hate mail to him at Burning Spirit!).

I picture these guys as when Polkaroo would show up, but one of the two hosts of Polka Dot Door would disappear, then magically show up after Polkaroo had left.

We haven't seen John Cena and Darren Young in the same place, have we? I definitely expect Cena to come out after a segment on NXT with bits of make-up still smudged on his face, and he's wearing that gold headband over top of his orange hat, and it's like the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire at the restaurant where he/she gets drunk and starts accidentally revealing to his/her family that she isn't an old female nanny (Darren Young) but he is their heroic dad (John Cena).

RESULTS OF THE TWB DRAFT SPECTACULAR

The 2010 TWB Draft Spectacular is IN THE BOOKS. You can read through the entire Lord-of-the-Rings-Trilogy-length thing here, which includes a spat I got into with another guy who was shit-talking KENTA, and you know I can't stand for that. It was all in good fun though, and I'd do it all over again.

Here is my roster, and the other three fellers' rosters. I obviously won. So you can just say that in the comments section and move along. Because I am the best in the world at what I do. Internet fantasy wrestling drafts.

PIZZABODYSLAM'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: CHRIS JERICHO

Photo - WWE.com

2. Daniel Bryan

3. The Undertaker

4. Kurt Angle

5. Chris Hero

6. Triple H

7. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero

8. Davey Richards

9. KENTA

10. The Hart Dynasty (with Bret Hart & Natalya)

11. Nigel McGuinness

12. Mick Foley

13. Eddie Kingston

14. Kane

15. Jimmy Jacobs

16. Joey Ryan

17. Shelton Benjamin

18. Larry Sweeney

19. Takeshi Morishima

20. Eddie Edwards

21. Young Bucks

22. Colt Cabana

KOPPOKICK'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: JOHN CENA

Photo - WWE.com

2. AJ Styles

3. Rob Van Dam (Traded to Dylan/Brandon for Rey Mysterio)

4. Christian

5. Evan Bourne

6. Sheamus

7. Dolph Ziggler

8. Jeff Jarrett

9. Claudio Castagnoli

10. William Regal

11. Homicide and Hernandez

12. Mike Knox

13. Ric Flair

14. Low Ki

15. Alex Shelley

16. Chris Sabin

17. Yoshi Tatsu

18. Jay Briscoe

19. Mark Briscoe

20. Jigsaw

21. Jack Evans and Teddy Hart

22. Primo

TH'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: CM PUNK

Photo - Speechless Superstars Tumblr

2. Batista

3. Jeff Hardy

4. Samoa Joe

5. Mike Quackenbush

6. Jack Swagger

7. Austin Aries

8. MVP

9. Beth Phoenix and Awesome Kong

10. Kofi Kingston

11. Mark Henry

12. Necro Butcher

13. Zack Ryder

14. Goldust

15. Wade Barrett

16. El Generico

17. Finlay

18. Delirious

19. Skip Sheffield

20. Christopher Daniels

21. Kevin Steen & Steve Corino

22. UltraMantis Black

DYLAN/BRANDON'S ROSTER

FIRST PICK: REY MYSTERIO (TRADED TO KOPPOKICK FOR ROB VAN DAM)

Photo - WWE.com

2. Randy Orton

3. The Miz

4. Big Show

5. Goldberg

6. Edge

7. James Storm

8. Robert Roode

9. John Morrison

10. The Beautiful People

11. Shawn Michaels

12. Joey Mercury

13. Sabu

14. Scott Steiner

15. Booker T

16. Mr. Anderson

17. Adam Bomb

18. Viscera

19. Vader

20. Sting

21. Brian Kendrick and Paul London

22. The Shockmaster

And, just for fun, let's say I had to fantasy book a one-off show TOOONIGHT, using as every single guy I drafted. Here is what I would throw together.

CO-MAIN EVENT - DREAM TAG TEAM MATCH

Chris Jericho & Davey Richards vs. Daniel Bryan & KENTA

CO-MAIN EVENT - SUBMISSION MATCH

Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle

TAG TEAM MATCH

The Hart Dynasty (with Bret Hart and Natalya Neidhart) vs. The Young Bucks

UNDENIABLE ROH WORLD TITLE REMATCH

Nigel McGuinness vs. Takeshi Morishima

NO ONE KICKS OUT OF THE PEDIGREE

Triple H vs. Joey Ryan

FIGHT WITHOUT HONOR

"That Young Knockout Kid" Chris Hero (with Larry Sweeney) vs. Eddie Kingston (with Mick Foley!)

SIX MAN MAYHEM

Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Colt Cabana vs. Jimmy Jacobs vs. Eddie Edwards vs. "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero

There! Seven pretty epic matches. Or... six epic matches and one match of six dudes thrown together. Although, if I can get into a Six Man Mayhem match with Rashce Brown and five jobbers, then I can definitely get into this one.

TONIGHT: TWB DRAFT SPECTACULAR LIVEBLOG

If you have nothing to do (and I stress noooooothing, because this is four dudes fantasy-drafting fake wrestlers on the internet), come by The Wrestling Blog and watch as I draft the greatest roster of wrestlers the internet has ever seen (and the internet LOVES wrestling!).

It will be done through CoverItLive, which is a sweet way to take in any Live Blog at all. FanHouse ran one for WrestleMania XXVI, and Brandon Stroud is so frigging funny that it's worth reading four hours of comments all over again.

The "action" starts at 8:00 tonight.

"PROTECTING" IN WRESTLING

I am by no means a wealth of real knowledge when it comes to the ins and outs of the wrestling business. I'm just a nerd with tons of time on his hands who's watched more wrestling than probably David Otunga. So I just want to briefly mention something I've noticed lately (which will likely be something you've already noticed, because it's so in-your-face obvious).

TNA does not protect ANYTHING.

When I talk about "protecting," I don't mean like health or safety of the wrestlers. I mean protecting as in keeping someone strong in kayfabe, or holding off on doing a match or a move or a style for a very long time. Some examples:

Prior to Tyler Black's ROH World Title win, ROH had "protected" his top-rope finisher, the Phoenix Splash, by having him not hit it, or sometimes even attempt it, for MONTHS before he finally nailed it on Austin Aries to win the belt.

ROH also protects their champions and their championships. Nigel McGuinness went on an insane 18-month run as champion. When you are a champion, you are perceived to be the best wrestler in the company. Not only that, but just recently, ROH has introduced the Pick 6 Series, which means you truly have to earn your title shot, not just be off TV for a few months.

Both the WWE and ROH have been known to protect matches for Pay-Per-View as well. The WWE held off on Cena vs. Batista for years, then finally did it at SummerSlam 2008. They didn't wrestle again until this year's WrestleMania.

Tyler Black and Davey Richards has been hinted at in ROH for a while now, and Davey is starting the big build to only his second-ever World Title shot, despite being the "new" best in the world. Him and Tyler have faced maybe once, and that was at least a year ago.

The WWE "protects" almost all finishers. No one kicks out of finishers unless if it's a massive match (pretty sure no one kicked out of the Tombstone since last year's WrestleMania when Shawn did). In fact, a ton of people win matches without hitting their finishers. Kane beat Chris Jericho with a big boot once. That shit blows my mind. But the act of protecting finishers for months can add to a match when someone kicks out of one.

TNA, however, protects nothing. Everyone kicks out of finishers. PPVs have nine cage matches on them. Belts change without seeing the champion lose a match so frequently. Everyone bleeds on every show. They give away dream PPV matches on TV. There's a street fight or a ladder match or a new kind of match invented every week, so when you build to one on PPV, it has no real impact.

I am definitely no expert, but I like to think I might know a thing or two about a thing or two. And I believe that the reason I don't get into TNA that much (at all) is because TNA doesn't protect anything (at all).