2010 SLAMMY AWARDS
FAKE AWARDS FOR A FAKE SPORT!
Photo - WWE.com
Which makes it the best thing ever. I love the Slammy's. Nothing makes me happier than more gold-coloured things for wrestlers to get upset at each other over. I also love that while the awards are rigged, you still root for who you think will win - and you'll be furious if someone undeserving wins. Or at least you'll bitch about it on a message board and go to bed.
It's such a funny balance. Wrestling is "scripted," the Slammy awards are given out to further storylines, not to actually award anyone anything... but if you believe that, say, the "Oh Snap" Meltdown of the Year Slammy should go to Alberto Del Rio instead of Big Show, so Del Rio has a sweet Slammy to carry around and brag about... but Big Show wins? You'll be pissed! But for such a weird reason. Because Big Show smashing the shit out of Jack Swagger's trophies was much more of an actual meltdown than Del Rio attacking Mysterio, but you're mad because Big Show won't do anything worthwhile with the Slammy, while Del Rio would milk it until that little golden man is shrivelled dry. And I totally agree, but it's hard not to think of it as weird, to get mad that the guy that shouldn't have won in kayfabe didn't win, if you can follow my rambling train of thought. Phew.
The Slammy's can do a bunch of things: spark challenges between two wrestlers (see Shawn Michaels challenging the Undertaker last year); give a cocky wrestler something to brag about that everyone knows is meaningless (see two-time (debatable) winner Owen Hart); give a nod to pop culture (see Batista's best Kanye West impression when he interrupted Maria's acceptance speech last year) and it can give Dennis Miller three hours of free reign on cable TV. That last one didn't work out so well.
For what it's worth, here's who I think should take home each Slammy tonight. Er, as if these were real awards, and not fake ones that are used to tell stories with. Ahem.
SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR
SHOCKER OF THE YEAR
John Cena loses and is forced to join The Nexus
KNUCKLEHEAD MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Lay-Cool gets beaten by Mae Young
DESPICABLE ME AWARD
CM Punk sings "Happy Birthday" to Rey Mysterio
HOLY %&^%&* MOVE OF THE YEAR
Randy Orton delivers an RKO to a flying Evan Bourne
GUEST STAR SHINING MOMENT OF THE YEAR
William Shatner sings WWE Entrances
"OH SNAP" MELTDOWN OF THE YEAR
Batista quits WWE
WWE MOMENT OF THE YEAR
The Nexus debuts and attacks John Cena
WWE DIVA OF THE YEAR
Whoever doesn't get through over or through or under the ropes in the battle royal.
And if there was an Announcer of the Year category, the choice would be easy. Even with Michael Cole being the realest, most hate-able heel since Triple H broke into Randy Orton's home and terrorized him and his family (he was a heel right), CM Punk has made Monday Night RAW one billion times more watchable with his hilarious and insightful commentary.
So to you CM Punk, I raise a glass of diet soda, and award you the 2010 Slammy for Announcer of the Year.