COWBOYS IN WRESTLING

I've been playing Red Dead Redemption for hours on end, so naturally, here are a bunch of pictures of wrestling cowboys.

This quickly turned into a post containing funny pictures of the Smoking Gunns and Scott Hall.

REBOOT THIS GIMMICK: ALEX WRIGHT

More specifically, the dancing asshole.

REBOOT

ALEX WRIGHT/DANCING ASSHOLE

Alex Wright is the last man to have pulled off this gimmick perfectly. Since then, every dancing asshole (Heartthrobs, Jeff Hardy) have totally missed the mark. Take a look at this and try and tell me this wouldn't get over today:

Isn't he such a doucher? It's amazing.

So I propose a modernized version of this complete tool. And there is seriously no better time than now to reboot the dancing asshole, because the dancing asshole is alive and well in America today:

That's right.

I am demanding a club-trolling, Guidette-creeping, fist-pumping, dancing Guido (using that term affectionately) asshole in wrestling today.

SYNOPSIS

The Alex Wright dancing asshole reboot would center around an Italian-American (Guido) who does nothing but go to clubs, work out, party, tan and embarrass himself in the public eye. The dude would be a complete trainwreck of a human being, but still manage to get with the sluttiest girls and this would enrage the fans. The essence of this character is embodying the entire appeal of Jersey Shore, where everyone on that show has no real redeeming qualities, yet you can't look away.

He would always get that fake-fight rage whenever someone makes fun of him, where he'd get mad and loud and huff and puff have to have his Guido friends hold him back, even though he clearly has no real interest in actually fighting. And he'd talk about how much he respects and loves his mother a lot, but would continuously objectify women.

LOOK

A terrifying amalgamation of these "people":

FINISHER

Anything that is preempted by a fist-pump taunt that lasts for way too long.

DEBUT

Our dancing asshole would debut in backstage segments, generally just appearing for comic relief, and not really as a wrestler. He'd just keep turning up, sometimes with a Guidette, sometimes just on his iPod fist-pumping. Eventually someone (say Kofi Kingston) would ask who he is, he'd say his name, and Kofi would make fun of his gelled hair.

PUSH

During one of Kofi's matches, the Guido would attack him and start fist-pumping to his own theme music over Kofi's prone body (similar to the way Alex Wright dances over the Cruiserweight Title in this video, with people booing him out of the building).

FEUD

He could feud with Kofi to help him establish more sides to his character (not strictly comedy jobber, but more of a wrestler who gets heat because he's so ridiculous). He could also have some kind of talk show where he invites people on to fist-pump, until he takes them out, then fist-pumps over their body.

WHY THIS WILL WORK

I truly believe that the dancing asshole gimmick can get heat when done right. When done wrong (Heartthrobs) it can just be embarrassing. But Guido culture (can I even use the word culture for that?!) has become so popular lately that it'd hard to mess this up.

WHY THIS WON'T WORK

He could either be totally wasted as a comedy jobber, or actually cheered for being too much like the cast of Jersey Shore, which is wildly popular. Or the gimmick could be taken on by the wrong dude, and would fail. You definitely need the right guy for this character.

So until we get this 2010 Alex Wright-style wrestler, I'll be waiting patiently for Jersey Shore Season 2. Or maybe I'll just watch Alex Wright dance on YouTube all day.

WHOA: JOHNNY GARGANO SIGNS WWE CONTRACT WITH A DGUSA STABLE!

'Scuse me while I just edit this real quick... ahem.

JOHNNY GARGANO

NOT JUST NXT SECURITY!

Photo - DGUSA.tv

Awesome! This comes as a total surprise to me, but I also just revealed in my last post that I haven't read dirt sheets for two weeks, so maybe everyone saw this comin'. I saw this comin' over on TH's The Wrestling Blog, who snagged it straight from the horse's twitter (Gabe Sapolsky).

I will admit I haven't seen much of Gargano, but I did just see him live and in person, in front of about 120 people in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. So there's that.

Congrats Johnny!

IMPOSSIBLY RECAPPING TWO WEEKS OF MISSED WRESTLING

I am now FINALLY all caught up on the two weeks of WWE I've missed. It's quite literally impossible to talk about all of it (and it would be longer and more boring than [appropriate analogy] - I feel too rusty to complete that thought).

So instead, here are the most notable things I missed over the past two weeks:

DANIEL BRYAN

UNLEASHES THE AMERICAN DRAGON

Photo - WWE.com

Nothing made me angrier than Daniel Bryan getting kicked off NXT.

Nothing made me happier than seeing Daniel Bryan make reference to Bryan Danielson and beat the giggles out of Michael Cole two weeks in a row. NXT went from being an AWESOME show, to a piece of crap, and is now a one-segment show - tuning in to see what kind of insanity Danielson will unload on Michael Cole.

RING OF HONOR

HYPE VIDEOS THAT HYPE ME UP

Photo - ROHWrestling.com

ThatWrestlingShow has the Midas (or CM Punk, as it's known in wrestling circles) Touch when it comes to making hype videos for ROH. This one features Michael FRIGGIN Jordan as the narrator. The idea of tying Michael Jordan into a preview for an independent wrestling iPPV blows my mind. Check it:

ROH also revealed some AWESOME footage from this month's Supercard of Honor V in New York, which makes my dingle tingle:

And finally, a quick little preview for Death Before Dishonor VIII in Toronto. I can't even begin to tell you how overcome with jealous rage I am, knowing that I will be out of town on the 19th and won't be able to go to this iPPV taping. But, I suppose there is an upside, as I will be able to watch it online. Oh, Ring of Honor... you sure know make still my beating heart:

WWE OVER THE LIMIT

CM PUNK AND REY MYSTERIO STEAL THE SHOW

Photo - WWE.com

The show itself wasn't incredible, but still not as bad as I was bracing for (I brace for bad PPVs by huffing glue before they begin)!

Punk/Rey was fucking incredible. I loved this match. I watched this on my laptop with headphones on and my girlfriend in the room, and when Punk threw Rey into the barber's chair headfirst making him accordion up like Wile E. Coyote, I made a noise so strange that she thought something was wrong with ME.

Then the blood started glugging out of Punk's head, and the doctor took his sweet time getting over to him, and I started wondering if this match was going to lose steam. NOPE. GAINED STEAM. Because CM Punk is a psychopath. When he started racing around full-tilt with Mysterio looking like he was going to end his life, I screamed for help.

And finally, the head-shaving. They were THIS (I'm holding my forefinger and thumb VERY CLOSE TOGETHER) CLOSE to doing a crucifixion, the way Punk was handcuffed to the ropes and hanging off the apron. Awesome, awesome segment.

The rest of the PPV was kinda fun, kinda whatever, but watching Punk/Rey was definitely the stand-out highlight. Kofi/Drew was okay with a hot crowd. Ted/Truth was better than expected, and went much longer than expected, and had a different outcome than expected. Harts/Mizico (JeriMiz?) was good too, but the crowd killed it with their Y2J chants (don't you understand!? You chant GO JERICHO GO).

Big Show/Swagger, again, more fun than expected but very short. Divas match was okay, but definitely served the purpose of a cool down for Cena/Batista, which was an action-entertainment extravaganza. If you don't like the stunts and silliness of the new WWE PPV main event style, you did not like this match. I, for one, did like the insanity of this, especially whenever John Cena made a funny face (which was always).

The biggest disappointment was Edge/Orton, and that was beyond their control. The match that they managed to get through wasn't very exciting, but I assume what they had planned for the finish would've saved it all. Instead, Randy Orton beat himself up. But credit to Edge for improvising the double countout finish, giving the crowd one more pop with the missed-spear spot at the end.

FANTASTIC WRESTLING

ON WWE TV

Photo - WWE.com

Pretty awesome to see Edge/Christian on RAW, Punk/Rey on Smackdown! and Christian/Kofi for the Intercontinental Title on Smackdown! All really fun matches with super hot crowds. Can't ask for much more.

BATISTA, CARLITO

GONE

Photo - WWE.com

Batista quitting was AWESOME. So is TH's very scientific graphing of Batista's WWE career. I didn't see the Carlito segment.

REALIZED WRESTLING IS MORE ENJOYABLE

WITHOUT DIRT SHEETS!

Photo - WWE.com

This, I already knew, but haven't tried in ages. It was like coming up for air or something. Without reading rumour websites, I'm sure I avoided ruining the surprise that Christian would face Edge on RAW, or Undertaker would appear, or that Abraham Washington was rumoured as the RAW GM, and all that annoying, useless crap that makes it less enjoyable as a fan. Let's see if I can keep it up.

FORGOT ABOUT...

TNA

Photo - TNAWrestling.com

HULK HOGAN

SUES FRED FLINSTONE

STEEN VS. GENERICO

TORONTO - JUNE 19th - DBDH VIII

Photo - ROHWrestling.com

Once again. Livid with jealousy.

I AM NOT DEAD!

I swear I'm not. I'm perfectly alive and typing words as we speak (I'm not speaking though because that would be weird. Unless if I was in one of those movies where people speak what they type. Or narrate it in their brains like Doogie Howser).

I've been away (Europe) for two weeks with limited internet, and it has smashed my blog into obliteratitry. It's difficult to write about wrestling with very little time and internet, all the while trying desperately to avoid spoilers for shows that you've yet to download and watch (including last night's Over The Limit).

Speaking of Over The Limit, my ambitious Year-Long PPV Prediction Game has already had a hiccup, since I didn't post anything about that. But, that shouldn't matter too much, as I'll just do the next one and pretend Over The Limit didn't even happen.

I'll be back in fine form (more hilarious and awesome than ever!!!11w2ex3) very soon, including some kind of write-up of last night's PPV, as well as all of the regular features I churn out.

As a gesture of forgiveness for being gone so long, here is a video of Matt Hardy rapping.

DRAGON GATE USA DEBUTS IN CANADA: OPEN THE NORTHERN GATE + UPRISING PPV REVIEW

What a phenomenal weekend. Last night was really fun, but tonight put a stamp on the weekend that read "that was awesome." These two nights were all about Kamikaze USA taking over and doing whatever the hell they wanted to whoever the hell they wanted.

DRAGON GATE USA

DEBUT WEEKEND IN CANADA

OPEN THE NORTHERN GATE HIGHLIGHTS

- Akira Tozawa's top rope thumbs-down BOO to the small children in the front row.

- The fast-paced action and big dives in the opening match, including a double-team dive from Team Frightening early on (and a high five with Jigsaw from me, literally right after we sat down. I feel special.) and a one-two-punch sort of dive Jigsaw and Quackenbush (who had the dive of the night - insanely high).

- Kamikaze USA proving their dominance all weekend. They attacked Quackenbush and Jigsaw after their match, they interfered in Moxley's title defence against Phil Atlas, they (Shingo & YAMATO) won both of their matches this weekend, and just generally beat the crap out of anyone in their way. This is most certainly building to something, but I'm not quite sure what yet (in a good, unpredictable sort of way).

- CIMA's top rope double knees to a sitting Jimmy Jacobs for the epic win.

- Johnny Gargano trying to join both Naruki Doi and Masaaki Mochizuki's factions by offering them gifts from America, like D2: The Mighty Ducks and a stuffed turtle. All three were hilarious in this promo, but the highlight had to have been Mochizuki kicking a DVD out of Gargano's hand, which caught some near ceiling-touching air.

- Masaaki Mochizuki vs. Naruki Doi. An awesome back and forth match that included some fast-paced, hard-hitting stuff and ended with a SICK axe kick to the top of Doi's head, putting him out for good. Crowd really showed it's appreciation for this one, including the older couple in front of me who gave it a standing ovation (first time they stood all night!).

- How over the Maximum Pro guys were. Everyone was very familiar with these dudes, including a hilarious chubby kid who yelled "TYSON SUCKS MONKEY BUTT" for the ENTIRE DURATION OF THE MATCH. To give you a better illustration of what I mean by that, try and shout "Tyson sucks monkey butt" for ten minutes and see how you feel, because this match went over ten minutes. It was hilarious. So was Tyson's interaction with the kid. Fun match that got the crowd riled up for the second half.

- The sheer speed of Dragon Kid and Masato Yoshino live. Can't get over how quick these guys are.

- An accidental nutshot to Yoshino after Dragon Kid went for a sitting corner dropkick. I was seriously afraid for Yoshino's future children.

- An INCREDIBLE main event match that was the highlight of the entire show for me. This match literally had everything and was perfectly built to, with Kamikaze USA interfering in the first two matches of the night to get the crowd really on their case. It started slow with some great back and forth wrestling between the two teams, then the pace picked up with some exciting action, then it spilled to the outside with (of all things) a CRAZY brawl that literally had me somehow legitimately frightened.

- BxB Hulk getting whipped into the barricade so hard that it hit a portly gentleman who fell out of his chair.

Really fun show that was worth the long drive from Toronto (through a crazy storm).

"UPRISING" PPV TAPING HIGHLIGHTS

- Mochizuki/Tozawa. CRAZY hot opener. Crowd was on fire for the entire thing, and for damn good reason. Mochizuki clobbered Tozawa with some stiff kicks and won with a standing kick to the brain.

- My unconditional hate for Gran Akuma. He looks so much like a raper. The crowd was split for the match - Toronto locals loved Tyson, DGUSA fans loved Akuma. Tyson was amazing as a heel last night in Windsor, but played a great babyfface tonight. I really think he could definitely be a star just from the way he looks and acts.

- Jon Moxley's weekend of domestic abuse. This dude brought out a girl for both nights (different looking -ahem- "woman of the night" each night, yet wearing the same dress each night), and tossed her around light she was his friggin' opponent. He practically oozes slime, he's such a sleazebag, and I love it.

- Jimmy Jacobs showing shades of his former self. This weekend Jimmy felt a little (er... more than a little, but I love the guy so I find it so hard to rag on him) watered-down. He's had some crazy brawls in Toronto (No DQ vs. The Briscoes, Dog Collar Match vs. Delirious, Markham Street Fight vs. Delirious) so I think I was expecting something just off the chart bonkers tonight in his No DQ match with Moxley, but it didn't quite live up. He did show more signs of his crazy side tonight than in Windsor, which was nice, and the match itself was fun (with an AWESOME dive-into-End Time from Jacobs), but with me expecting blood, I guess I shot myself in the foot.

- The showstopping match that was PAC/Naruki Doi vs. Mike Quackenbush/Jigsaw. Both teams went all out on this one. Literally can't write words that could describe with any semblance of justice PAC's top rope Shooting Star double-shin kick to a bent over Jigsaw that connected with such a thud that I can only assume Jigsaw's kidneys are now scrambled.

- Brodie Lee blasting a referee with a big boot to interrupt a match between two guys selected by CIMA from a pre-show tryout.

- ALL of YAMATO & Shingo vs. CIMA & Dragon Kid. Not even worth describing the insanity that went on here. But, apparently, I will try anyway. The two spots that stick out to me most were YAMATO grabbing CIMA in a waistlock for Shingo to hit the ropes and clothesline him, but CIMA reversed it, then YAMATO reversed it, and so on, and so on, in hilarious fashion, while Shingo pulled his hair out trying to figure out when to go for the the clothesline. So so funny, I really hope it translates to PPV. The other spot was no big deal, y'know, just a top rope standing hurricanrana from Dragon Kid to Shingo, who was perched ON CIMA'S SHOULDERS. HOLY BALLS.

- BxB Hulk's never ending dance.

- By the time the main event rolled around I was a tad (completely) drunk so Yoshino and Hulk were just a blur in the ring, but that's more because of how superhero-fast these guys are. Really great match, felt shorter than the tag match before, but that doesn't matter. This show, top to bottom, will be a hit on PPV for sure.

Such a fun weekend overall. And I bought a Vader mask from the High Spots table. And got CIMA's autograph. And had enough adrenaline to write this monster review. Time to try and make my brain stop rattling around in my skull long enough to sleep!

RECHARGING FOR DRAGON GATE USA: UPRISING - TONIGHT

WHEW! Last night was super fun, and I wasn't even drunk - how's that for a review?!

I'll do a full review in a couple days of both shows, but for now, since I'm rebooting for a big night tonight in Toronto for the DGUSA PPV Taping (which will be just completely crazy if last night was any indication of what they deliver for a smaller non-PPV crowd), here's my timeline from last night.

OPEN THE NORTHERN GATE TIMELINE

2:00: Arrive at Steve's (Burning Spirit) to get ready to go.

2:05: Debate whether we will watch Smackdown! before we leave.

2:10: We leave.

2:30: Sit in traffic for an hour.

3:30: Arrive on highway still in traffic.

4:00: By now we start wondering if we're going to make it at all. I spinning backfist the car seat in blind rage.

7:00: Drive through some serious Abyss-cutting-a-slobbery-promo weather.

8:00: Arrive at the show.

8:01-11:00: Watch some awesome wrestling featuring a mind-blowing main event.

11:15: Get backed into by another DGUSA fan in the parking lot.

3:00: Arrive back in Toronto.

Tonight's timeline will feature less crappy weather, more beer, and equal-to-more awesome wrestling. I'm going to go get an hour of cardio* in before the show since just WATCHING Masato Yoshino run the ropes like Wally West made me collapse in exhaustion.

Review coming soon!

* = eat pizza, probably.

WHY THIS SHOULD HAPPEN: TED DIBIASE VIGNETTES

He's got the name.

He's got the Million Dollar Belt.

He's got the attitude.

Now, he needs the vignettes.

WWE, I beg you, please just reshoot these with Ted DiBiase Jr., update the references and you will have yourselves a bona fide superstar. BAHAHAHHA!!!

Seriously.

Imagine how awesome it would be if they just started airing vignettes like these.

Ted DiBiase vignettes. This should happen.

WORDS I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN IF IT WEREN'T FOR WRESTLING: OBLITERATITRY

ob-lit-er-a-ti-try [uh-blit-uh-rit-tree]

-noun? (not real word)

1. what Shane Douglas smashed Terry Funk's knee into.

2. only Shane Douglas truly knows.

Use obliteratitry in a Sentence:

"Terry Funk, I smashed your knee into obliteratitry."

Origin:

December 26th, 1993 in Philadelphia

History:

Just watch. This is a word I am very fond of, and you've probably seen me use it once or twice or way more than that (probably way more than that). Enjoy.

GREAT AMERICAN BASH 1987 PROGRAM

Dave Prazak scanned this piece of glorious pro wrestling history and posted it on the SHIMMER boards. I scored it off of his Twitter account.

I love the aesthetic of this era in wrestling. The look, the colours, everything. Here's just a taste of the program. You can check the entire thing out here.

Also, follow Dave Prazak on Twitter.

And buy SHIMMER DVDs.

Photos courtesy of Dave Prazak

CM PUNK GETTING SLAPPED BY AN OLD WOMAN

You may have heard about Punk taking a smack in the mouth from a woman at a WWE Live Event recently. Now (courtesy of Monkey Man from the POW) you can SEE it!

THIS WEEKEND: MY FIRST DGUSA EXPERIENCE - WINDSOR & TORONTO

I feel like I need to start doing push-ups and pulling cars in the snow to properly brace myself for this weekend. I literally lose my breath just watching Dragon Gate on PPV, so I'm almost certain I'll have some sort of fatal asthma attack seeing it live. This is supposed to be a testament to how intense DGUSA is, not to how much of a pile of crap I am.

I'll be hitting up both Windsor (driving the four hours or whatever it is from Toronto) and Toronto (obvs) and then I fly to Europe on Sunday for two weeks, so I am being a complete douchebag to my girlfriend. But this is just the kind of behaviour you would expect from a wrestling nerd when Dragon Gate comes to Canada for the first time.

Looking over the cards for both nights makes me realize how fun this will be. I'm getting to see a TON of guys I normally would never see (not just DGUSA guys, but CHIKARA guys that appear in both like Quack, Jigsaw, etc.), plus PAC is making his debut with the company this weekend.

Not only that, but FIP World Heavyweight Champion Jon Moxley (a dude I've mentioned before) is on both cards, so it'll be fun to see him. I think he's badass, at least from what little I've seen.

Here's the full lineup for this weekend. I'll have some sort of review for the shows eventually as well:

DRAGON GATE USA

DEBUTS IN CANADA

Photo - DGUSA.tv

OPEN THE NORTHERN GATE - WINDSOR, ON

Friday, May 7th, 2010

MAIN EVENT

Open The Freedom Gate Champion BxB Hulk & PAC

VS.

Open The Dream Gate Champion YAMATO & Shingo

2/3 FALLS MATCH

Dragon Kid VS. Masato Yoshino

FIP WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

Champion Jon Moxley VS. Challenger Phil Atlas

SPECIAL CHALLENGE MATCH

CIMA VS. Jimmy Jacobs

TAG TEAM GRUDGE MATCH

Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw VS. Gran Akuma & Akira Tozawa

MAXIMUM PRO WRESTLING TAG TEAM ATTRACTION

Tyson Dux & Jon Bolen VS. Brad Martin & Xtremo

BONUS CARD

Johnny Gargano VS. ???

UPRISING PPV TAPING - TORONTO, ON

Saturday, May 8th, 2010

MAIN EVENT #1 - OPEN THE FREEDOM GATE TITLE

Champion BxB Hulk

VS.

Challenger Masato Yoshino

MAIN EVENT #2 - TAG TEAM GRUDGE MATCH

CIMA & Dragon Kid

VS.

Open The Dream Gate Champion YAMATO & Shingo

SPECIAL TAG TEAM CHALLENGE

Naruki Doi & PAC VS. Mike Quackenbush & Jigsaw

SPECIAL CHALLENGE MATCH

Masaaki Mochizuki VS. Akira Tozawa

GRUDGE MATCH

Jimmy Jacobs VS. Jon Moxley

SPECIAL ATTRACTION MATCH

Tyson Dux VS. Gran Akuma

BONUS CARD

FRAY! - feat. Phil Atlas, Brodie Lee, Cheech, Cloudy, Xtremo, Brent B, Anthony Fiasco & Michael Elgin

I believe tickets are still available - you can buy them from the DGUSA.tv Store.