GUYS. Let's calm down. We can all agree that Punk/Lesnar, Punk/Cena, Bryan/Cena, Cesaro/Anyone, Orton/Show were all better than HHH/Lesnar. But let's put Triple H's Slammy history into perspective.
HHHe has a track record for sticking his nose in (lol because his nose rite) categories he has no business being in, dating all the way back to the 1996 Slammy's:
1996 SLAMMY AWARDS
BEST THREADS
Shawn Michaels
Ted DiBiase
Goldust
Mr. Perfect
Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Shawn Michaels wins this category, as he should. He made sparkling, unzippable stripper chaps look cool to every 11 year old on the planet. HBK had the "best threads" because they were as cool as saying "threads" in reference to your clothes. I don't wear clothes man, no way, I wear threads! And fingerless gloves!
Ted DiBiase belongs here, for once wearing a suit made of glitter with a dollar sign on it, because that is what rich people wear.
Goldust absolutely belongs here because COME ON. He is a walking Slammy. Who doesn't' want to wear that wig and kickass robe and dunk their entire nude body in gold bodypaint? Right?
Mr. Perfect belongs here because this was around the time where he was on commentary, showing up in fresh ass suits.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley DOES NOT BELONG HERE. If we're talking ring gear, how can you honestly tell me his white wrist tape and boring riding pants are cool clothes THREADS. His ring jacket is definitely one that Ric Flair picked up and was like EW NO THANK YOU and left near a pile booze and women that Triple H eventually found.
Okay, maybe his non-wrestling attire was pretty sweet. But still, he's no sparkly Shawn Michaels or sparkly Goldust or sparkly Ted DiBiase. SPARKLY.
In the same year, Hunter was up for FIVE more Slammys, including:
1996 SLAMMY AWARDS
WWF'S GREATEST HIT
The Undertaker sucks Diesel into the abyss
Diesel throwing Bret Hart through a table
Jeff Jarrett smashes Ahmed Johnson with a guitar
Yokozuna banzais two wrestlers at once
Hunter Hearst Helmsley
WOW, okay so obviously The Undertaker using his black magic to suck Big Daddy Cool into "the abyss" (how they confirmed that, I don't know) should win this category.
Also in there is Diesel throwing Bret Hart through a table. This was before they realized they should take the monitors off the announce table before putting someone through it, because they act as big pointy table-shrapnel that dent your body permanently. This was a WWF Great Hit for sure.
Jeff Jarrett bashing a guitar over Ahmed Johnson's head is most definitely appropriate. Guitar shots can go horribly wrong and maybe, I don't know, doom you to a life of drugs and depression, or at the very least, slice your entire face open.
And Yokozuna BANZAI-ing two wrestlers at once belongs without question. Yokozuna is in the ballpark of 600 pounds, which then would mean this is more like 3-4 people BANZAI-ing two people at once, which is way more people than were actually involved. Yokozuna's body is more deadly a weapon than a table or a guitar or Undertaker voodoo could ever be.
Then there's Hunter Hearst Helmsley. That's it. Not "Hunter Hearst Helmsley hits Rocky Maivia with a chair" or "Hunter Hearst Helmsley throws Marlena down some stairs" or "Hunter Hearst Helmsley pulverizes the bones of Duke Droese in Duke Droese's Dumptruck". NOPE. Just "Hunter Hearst Helmsley". At least that's how Wikipedia shows it. I don't even want to go back and watch what he was actually up for.
1996 SLAMMY AWARDS
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT
Jerry Lawler kisses his own foot
Ted DiBiase gets slopped by Henry Godwinn
Bodydonna Skip loses to previously winless Barry Horowitz
1-2-3 Kid dons a diaper
Hunter Hearst Helmsley gets dropped into the hog pen
It's funny to think that Triple H lost anything to "Jerry Lawler kisses his own foot". But there it is right there.
Ted DiBiase getting slopped by Henry Godwinn is pretty embarrassing. It's also kind of amazing that HOG is running around slopping people and chucking them in the hog pen, just filling up this category by himself. They all should've been Godwinn related. "In the future, Phineas runs nude through the ring as a recurring gimmick" would be a pretty embarrassing one.
Skip losing to Barry Horowitz is a HILARIOUS potential "most embarrassing moment". How the fuck is the next nominee not "being nominated for Most Embarrassing Moment for winning a match - Barry Horowitz"?! What's even funnier is that every other moment involves some kind of slop or diaper or weird foot kissing. This one is just "A GUY THAT SUCKS WON A MATCH". That is on par with wearing a diaper in public. Wow. Sorry, Barry.
Then there's Hunter Hearst Helmsley getting dropped into the hog pen, in the hog pen match against Henry Godwinn. Kind of embarrassing, but come on, that was bound to happen in a Hog Pen Match. A better choice would've been "wrestling in a Hog Pen match and losing to the Ultimate Warrior in twenty seconds at WrestleMania because you wanted to hug your buds in the ring".
1996 SLAMMY AWARDS
US WEST MATCH OF THE YEAR
Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon in a ladder match from SummerSlam '95
Lawrence Taylor vs. Bam Bam Bigelow from WrestleMania XI
Howard Finkel vs. Harvey Wippleman in a Tuxedo Match from Raw
Bret Hart vs. Diesel from Survivor Series '95
Henry Godwinn vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley in a Hog Pen Match from IYH #5
Welp, this category sure is a shitshow, isn't it? Off the top of my head I can't name too many awesome 1995 WWF matches. This category basically has two joke matches, a match that featured a football player beating a wicked wrestler, and a Diesel match, so obviously there's only one winner.
Nevertheless, I'd still argue that if I spent five minutes looking around, I could find three better matches than Hunter vs. HOG in a Hog Pen Match. I mean, Owen Hart was around, COME ON.
1996 SLAMMY AWARDS
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BEST HAIR
Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Mankind
Steve Austin
Bret Hart
Shawn Michaels
Hunter wins one! And this is probably the only won he should've won. In fact, IT DEFINITELY IS. Look at the nominees for fuck's sake.
Mankind PULLS HIS OWN HAIR OUT so even he doesn't like it. Steve Austin is bald, and I would probably still place him second, because Bret Hart's hair is 76% grease. And, okay, Shawn Michaels is up there too, but he has like 18 Slammys to his name. He was probably like "fuck it just give it to Hunter, his hair is kinda like mine".
1996 SLAMMY AWARDS
BEST COUPLE
Goldust and Marlena
Marc Mero and Sable
Bill and Hilary Clinton
Siegfried and Roy
Chyna and Triple H
Yep, that's right. Triple H is up for Couple Of The Year for 2013 with Stephanie McMahon, and has been previously nominated for that same category, but with Chyna. Think they'll bring that up tonight?
Goldust and Marlena take this category, and rightfully so. I mean, do you see any pics of Triple H and Chyna like this? If you have, send them over here in a totally not weird way.
Marc Mero and Sable - great couple. This is before Marc got Marvellous and was trying to stop Sable from showing us 11 year old boys her boobs. At this point in time, he's just a Wild Man with a blonde lady in leather walking around with him, which in wrestling = normal couple.
Bill and Hilary Clinton - another great couple. Bill's matches are-- wait, what? We're including REAL LIFE NON-WRESTLING COUPLES?
Siegfried and Roy? Man, how the fuck can Triple H and Chyna be nominated if we're nominating real life couples? Are Siegfried and Roy actually a couple or is this just an opportunity for the WWF to point and go "lol gay!"?
So yeah. Chyna and Triple H up for Best Couple? NO THANK YOU. Especially when Jennifer Love Hewitt and Joey Lawrence are right there.
Now, because Triple H being up for six Slammy Awards forced the show to be cancelled for eleven years, we're jumping to 2008. Triple H is up for one award, because the WWE learned their goddamn lesson:
2008 SLAMMY AWARDS
SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR
Chris Jericho
Batista
Edge
Jeff Hardy
John Cena
Triple H
This one is pretty clear cut. Chris Jericho dominated 2008 by being the Best In The World At What He Does, which is reinventing himself and becoming a better Chris Jericho all the time (until just after this precise exact period, damnit).
Batista feuded with Shawn Michaels and was the catalyst for turning Chris Jericho heel, which lead to the feud of the year between him and HBK. Big Dave also pinned John Cena clean at SummerSlam (one of like three people to beat Cena squeaky clean on PPV ever), and he also beat the red-hot Jericho for the World Heavyweight Championship. He deserves to be nominated for sure.
In 2008, Edge headlined WrestleMania, beat The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Title at One Night Stand, which forced the Undertaker to leave the WWE, beat Batista on PPV, survived being sent to literal hell by the Undertaker, and won the WWE Title at Survivor Series. Goddamn.
Jeff Hardy's 2008 included him losing a WWE Title match to start the year, losing the Intercontinental Title to Chris Jericho, getting suspended for sixty days for a drug violation and therefore being dropped from the Money In The Bank ladder match at WrestleMania, getting left in a stairwell to die and then winning the WWE Championship at the end of the year. Hooray!
Then, there's John Cena. In 2008, he made a miraculous return from a pectoral injury, won the Royal Rumble, became a World Tag Team Champion, and won the World Heavyweight Championship. He also spent a lot of time on the shelf due to injuries, but any time he was around, he was winning stuff.
And how about Triple H? He Pedigreed Jeff Hardy right into suspension to win the Chamber match at No Way Out, lost to Randy Orton and Cena at WrestleMania, then spent the year padding his title stats by beating Orton at Backlash to tie The Rock for most WWE Title reigns. He then had matches with the Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov to round out the year before losing his WWE Title to the Charismatic Enabler Jeff Hardy.
So one WWE Title win and a year of trying his Triple Hest to get Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov over.
The amount Triple H beat Randy Orton that year is nuts though, especially because it eventually lead to the Home Invasion feud where Triple H beats him again. Hoo boy. Superstar of the Year!
2009 SLAMMY AWARDS
TAG TEAM OF THE YEAR
Jeri-Show (Chris Jericho and Big Show)
Legacy (Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase)
The Hart Dynasty (David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd)
D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels)
Yeah, this one makes no sense. DX reunited halfway through the year when Triple H got Shawn Michaels to leave his job as "a chef that occasionally superkicked children". DX feuded with Legacy, tried to beat John Cena in a triple threat match and failed, did comedy skits with Mike Tyson and Hornswoggle, and then finally beat Jeri-Show for the Tag Titles.
Meanwhile, Legacy and The Hart Dynasty are also nominated, when Miz & Morrison and Carlito & Primo held the tag belts for the first half of the year. Triple H and Shawn Michaels win them right before the Slammys and all of a sudden they're up for Tag Team Of The Year. NO TRIPLE H. NO.
I don't know if I can do another 300,000 words on how Triple H is the worst but here we go because he's up for ALL THE SLAMMYS:
2009 SLAMMY AWARDS
EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Jeff Hardy jumps from ladder onto CM Punk at SummerSlam
Kofi Kingston lands a Boom Drop on Randy Orton through a table at MSG
Big Show chokeslams John Cena into arena spotlight at Backlash
Triple H invades Randy Orton's home
So it's
- guy does wrestling move
- guy does wrestling move
- guy does wrestling move
- guy breaks into another wrestler's home and attempts to murder him
This might actually be the one he most deserves. But If no one's around to chant E-C-DUB then is it actually extreme?
2010 SLAMMY AWARDS
MOMENT OF THE YEAR
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels in Michaels' final match
Wade Barrett fires John Cena
Sheamus attacks Triple H
Chris Jericho vs. Edge at WrestleMania XXVI
This was when they decided not to do "matches" and instead just do "moments" because I don't know, they hate us?
OF FUCKING COURSE Sheamus attacking Triple H is WAY WORSE than Shawn Michaels' entire retirement match at WrestleMania. This whole category basically undermines the entire existence of wrestling, trying to put up "one guy attacking another guy", or worse, "one guy FIRING another guy", as being as important or good as ENTIRE WRESTLING MATCHES (y'know, the thing that wrestling IS).
Stupid fucking Triple H UGHJHBVHJG.
2011 SLAMMY AWARDS
MOST REGRETTABLE ATTIRE OF THE YEAR
Michael Cole as Triple H
Also, not nominated, but totally should have been: Triple H as Triple H.
2011 SLAMMY AWARDS
OMG MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Triple H performs The Undertaker's Tombstone Piledriver on The Undertaker
The Rock gives John Cena a Rock Bottom at WrestleMania XXVII
WWE Superstars vote of no confidence and walkout on Triple H
CM Punk wins the WWE Championship at Money In The Bank and walks away
More vague "moment" awards, and Triple H is nominated TWICE. One of them is Triple H doing a wrestling move and the other is everyone realizing Triple H sucks and leaving him. OMG?
Triple H doing The Undertaker's finisher to him in an Undertaker WrestleMania match has to be the least OMG thing on there, and it won. How it isn't different moments from the CM Punk Money In The Bank title match, I don't know. Either way, Triple H is on here twice and won when he only belongs on here zero times goddamnit.
2012 SLAMMY AWARDS
MATCH OF THE YEAR
Hell in a Cell: The Undertaker vs. Triple H - WrestleMania XXVIII
Extreme Rules: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena - Extreme Rules
Big Show vs. Sheamus - Hell In A Cell
The Rock vs. John Cena - WrestleMania XXVIII
YEP. COOL. GREAT.
Okay, now onto this year:
2013 SLAMMY AWARDS
COUPLE OF THE YEAR
Triple H and Stephanie McMahon
Fandango and Summer Rae
Tyson Kidd and Natalya
Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella
John Cena and Nikki Bella
Naomi and Jimmy Uso
Incredibly, this category seems to be exclusive to those on Total Divas, except just kidding, Triple H is there. If this isn't a tie between the Bella Power Couples then I'll Pedigree myself.
2013 SLAMMY AWARDS
THIS IS AWESOME MOMENT OF THE YEAR
Dolph Ziggler cashes in Money In The Bank on Alberto Del Rio
Big Show knocks out Triple H on Raw
Kofi Kingston saves himself from elimination by using JBL's chair at Royal Rumble
Daniel Bryan wins his second WWE Championship from Randy Orton at Night of Champions
More moments of the year. Triple H is up for getting punched in the face. That… is awesome. Damnit, okay, maybe he belongs here too. Shit. But in the sense of "This-Is-Awe-Some" crowd chanting, it certainly belongs the least. They should have a guy in a TNA hoodie give this award out.
2013 SLAMMY AWARDS
DOUBLE CROSS OF THE YEAR
Triple H turns on Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam
Shawn Michaels turns on Daniel Bryan at Hell In A Cell
Mark Henry turns on John Cena during his retirement
Paul Heyman turns on CM Punk at MITB
GODDAMNIT. Triple H ruins so many things he's even ruining this blog. He definitely deserves to be in this one, even if the best double cross is obviously when Mark Henry cried just to betray sappy-ass John Cena. That was a masterpiece and I want to hang a gif of it in my den.
But the point of this blog was to point out how Triple H has never really been up for a Slammy he deserved. I wish there was another category he was up for this year, in which he shouldn't even be considered for oh wait that's right i found it right here:
2013 SLAMMY AWARDS
MATCH OF THE YEAR
Undertaker vs. CM Punk - WrestleMania XXIV
John Cena vs. The Rock - WrestleMania XXIV
Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs. The Shield - Battleground
Steel Cage: Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar - Extreme Rules
Quick, name four better matches than Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. Was this even the best HHH/Lesnar match of the three? I can't remember because they were all boring and made me delete the contents of my brain.
Triple H, it took you until this year to be up for a Slammy that wasn't for Best Hair that you deserved. And now you've shaved your head so you can't even win that. Stop ruining such prestigious annual (except for that 11 year gap) traditions such as The Slammy Awards. And stop ruining my blog about you ruining things.
Also, stop ruining wrestling.
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