THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12
ANGRY WRESTLERS SPEAKING ANGRILY TO EACH OTHER
It’s weird that I have to applaud that (angry, reluctant applause), but when today’s wrestlers usually speak to each other in some combination of winks and punchlines and G-rated filth, anger is suddenly refreshing.
This past Monday, Raw was bookended by two segments based around two people being angry with each other. There’s two key parts to that sentence: the angry part, and the with each other part.
The “angry” part is refreshing because we live in a world where John Cena can’t stop talking about underwear when Kane is trying to for real murder him. So when Dolph Ziggler rips Mick Foley a new place to hide his sock, or when CM Punk takes a page out of Big Johnny’s book and tells him to shut his mouth just like Eve should (show some goddamned respect, Eve), well, my pro wrestling boner grew three sizes that day.
The “with each other” part is refreshing because we live in a world where every wrestler is hyper aware of the people watching the show. It’s come to a point where John Cena has literally walked out to the ring to stand there and hold the microphone out to the audience as a promo. So when these four guys are all angry with each other over an issue that isn’t based entirely on how much “we people” like or hate John Cena, or how John Laurinaitis is or isn’t Mr. Exciting to “us people,” my pro wrestling boner grows three sizes more.
Now, I don’t want things to get carried away with anger and have everyone screaming and stabbing each other like in TNA (I haven’t watched TNA in a long time, okay [ed. note: this is still how it is over there]) because that would totally devalue what happened on Monday. But if we could dial back the self-awareness and the unfunny comedy, I think everyone would benefit.
Alternatively, we could just run rapid-fire replays of John Laurinaitis telling Eve to shut her mouth and I could giggle myself to sleep every week because that was so fucking funny.
BIG JOHNNY STUDD
In addition to being this close to telling Eve to shut her fucking mouth, Johnny Ace also launched into what I was hoping would slowly turn into a Will Ferrell “I drive a Dodge Stratus!!” dinner table speech. He just kept getting more and more frustrated with how he was being bullied, I felt like it had to end with “YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I CAN DO 100 PUSH-UPS IN TWENTY MINUTES! BIG TIME STUFF”
Also, The Squared Circle wrote a nice paragraph on why Big Johnny is so easy to hate (when you’re not choking on your own laughter at the things he says):
"I love to hate Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim RAW General Manager John Lauranitis. Just that whole fuckin’ title. It gets heat like a furnace.
I think he’s a better evil boss than Mr. McMahon, because Vince is so transparently Evil and Johnny Ace is a much more recognizable form of evil everybody has seen in a shitty boss before, the evil of incompetence. You can’t tell if he’s trying to fuck you over on purpose, or if shit just keeps rolling downhill, and there he is on his fuckin’ BlackBerry again, what a motherfucker."
And it’s true. Despite all of his Eve-silencing comedy, it’s not hard to get behind CM Punk when he’s calling him a douchebag. He even stumbles over his words (I swear he almost called Punk CP Munk), and while I don’t think that’s intentional, it seems to at least give Punk’s shots at his charisma a leg to stand on.
DANIEL BRYAN APPRECIATES AJ
I love seeing the wheels spinning in Daniel Bryan’s head as he grows as a heel.
When AJ says “I love you” and he says “how much” you can see a little thought bubble pop above his head with a clip of Big Show running her over and ending the match playing inside of it. When Big Show actually does run her over, you can see the gears turning in Bryan’s head until he finally realizes how he can use this against Big Show and then he makes him fucking cry.
He. Made. The Big Show. Cry.
The best part of this is that Daniel Bryan essentially showed up on Raw to tell a live television audience that the Big Show is an unapologetic, crying, blithering idiot. That makes him my favourite person. To be fair, he already was.
I just realized that last week I made a joke about Big Show looking like a camouflage fake penis, and then this week Big Show started crying (you know, out of the tip of his face, his eyes), which means Big Show is pretty much forcing me to make a semen joke I don’t want to make.
SECOND FUNKASAURUS VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST
Okay, it’s the same match twice, but it’s still funny as shit to watch.
I think it might get better and more fun if it keeps happening this EXACT way. Same moves, same catchphrases, same timing, same jobber opponent making “what the actual fuck” faces at the camera, same everything. It’d be like the shortest cult movie ever where people go to the theatre and shout out punchlines and sing along to the songs, except everyone would be shouting “SHEEPLEX” and answering “YEAH” in a sassy voice to “SHOULD I… GET HEE-YIM?”.
What’s even better about this is that he’s had three matches as the Funkasaurus, and with the dance routine, the booty shake, the opponent feel-up, the big headbutt, the SHEEPLEX, the avalanche in the corner and the “Aw, Funk It!” he’s already got more moves than Diesel (and that’s including the hair flip).
CHRIS JERICHO, MR. SPARKLE
It looks like the ‘Quiet-ollah of Rock and Trolla’ (I tried, and therefore no one can criticize me) is on board with my “Every WWE Heel Needs A Non-Verbal Catchphrase Initiative,” which I started last week. Crying invisible tears would’ve been a good one, but Big Show already aped that, so he went with turning off the lights of whatever room he’s in and illuminating his Flyerman jacket.
I wonder when the cheers will fully stop, and how he’ll keep them that way. Don’t think for a second, no matter how hard he trolls people, that the crowd won’t go apeshit if he wins the Rumble.
Speaking of the Rumble, I’d love it if one of two things happened:
1. Jericho enters at number one and manages to never actually enter the ring or the Rumble by continuously milking a crowd reaction for the duration of the match. It would be a social experiment so see how many times over the course of an hour people would cheer, start booing, then slowly start to laugh, then cheer again, then start booing again, etc.
2. Jericho enters the Rumble, lasts ‘til the end with one other jobber like Tyler Reks or someone, then eliminates himself so people have to deal with Tyler Reks winning the Royal Rumble. No one could cheer that.
Honourable Mention: Tag Team Match, Play— URRRGHHHHAAGGH NO! NO!!! I CAN CHANGE!!!
Teddy Long did the unthinkable. He saw four guys in a ring, in conflict with one another, came out, and didn’t make a tag team match. In therapy this is called a “breakthrough”.
I can’t stop picturing Teddy Long watching Sheamus, The Miz, R-Truth and Wade Barrett all fight in the ring, vibrating in place at the thought of a tag team match. Part of me wishes that after he announced the Over The Top Rope Battle Royal, he went “just kidding, tag team match playa!”
Honourable Honourable Mention: This Teddy Long “Tag Team Match Dubstep Lolz” video that for some reason I laughed at.
Honourable Honourable Honourable Mention: Dolph Ziggler referencing John Cena’s hilariously awkward run from last week.
THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY 01/16/12
JOHN CENA MIGHT BE A SOCIOPATH
I understand that this whole thing was supposed to be John Cena “embracing hate,” but it sure as shit was the weirdest thing to embrace hate over.
He’s just a sociopath. Kane tries to murder him and the next week he comes out to wish everyone a Happy New Year and make underwear jokes. Zack Ryder loses a match and John Cena attempts to FUCKING KILL Jack Swagger while everyone screams STOP STOP HE’S ALREADY DEAD.
What’s also weird is how he referenced Johnny Ace’s “my bad” when confronting him backstage, which means he was watching Zack Ryder’s backstage promo. NO OTHER WRESTLER seems to watch these backstage segments, but no, John Cena is somewhere backstage, eyes glued to the monitor as Zack Ryder is being tended to by doctors. I don’t know why I find that so weird. Everyone else is off preparing for matches while John Cena has his thumb up his butt watching the show he’s on.
Point is, John Cena is a crazier crazy person than Kane, who is still pretty crazy, because he did his “ringpost pyro taunt” from backstage to a camera, as if that’s what actually sets off his fireworks.
All of this stuff is in the BOO section, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I liked it at least a little bit for how goddamn funny it is.
CM PUNK CAN DO BOTH FUNNY AND SERIOUS!
Brandon Stroud of the Best and Worst of Raw tackled the shit out of this already. He made great points about Punk’s awkward jabs at Ziggler, and I was certainly caught off-guard by his “hiding behind a woman, and a poor excuse of a woman” comment towards Vickie Guerrero, but somehow I’m more offended by his unfunny comedy.
Coming out and saying things like “turd in a punch bowl” and making fun of a guy’s spray tan and highlights reeks of so much John Cena that he was one Shouty Preacher Voice away from evolving into him. John Cena’s “funny voice / serious voice” on-off switch doesn’t work for him, so it’d be sweet if no one else, especially CM fucking Punk, would give it a shot ever again.
ZACK RYDER HAS FIGHTING SPIRIT
Remember two years ago when Jack Swagger won the World Heavyweight Title by beating Chris Jericho (with injured ribs) using one Gutwrench Powerbomb? How the hell am I then supposed to believe that Swagger needs THREE of those to beat Zack Ryder (with Kane-injured ribs [BBQ ribs?]) for the US Title?
This is nit-picking, but it was just a bit odd to see him kick-out TWICE when his ribs are injured, and it’s a totally acceptable loss if he were to just take it once and get pinned. If Ryder can kick-out of finishers like that, let’s line him up against Undertaker this year at Mania.
Whichever one the announcers want to go with, I guess.
Anyway, nothing needs to be even said about this, nor does any penis or cocaine need to be drawn on a picture about this. It was more than uncomfortable watching him sell a Bella shove like someone yanked a rug out from underneath him. It was a bad idea from the second they announced it, all the way through to when it was over. It went exactly as we expected, ninety seconds of plugging his website, a roll-up finish, everyone booed.
Now we can all go back to having that exact same match without him next week, and he can go back to, I don’t know, mashing the exclamation point key?
Honourable Mention: Evan Bourne’s second wellness strike.
Okay, I’m not going to say much here. Everyone’s piped in and gone “lol dumb” or whatever enough. I might take some flack for this, but here goes.
I agree. It is dumb. He probably should’ve had his shit together knowing he’d be tested again. My problem is more with the reaction it got online. Sure, everyone was correct that he was stupid for getting busted (probably for pot or fake pot or whatever, although I don’t think it was ever actually said what it was). But it’s also not exactly flattering to see your timeline fill up in seconds with people leaping at the chance to point and laugh at a guy, who’s done nothing but hurt his own future.
I feel like I can’t really say that and come off like my hands are clean or whatever, considering how much fun I’ve made of Matt Hardy in the past or whoever, so I know I’m no different, so all I’m going to say, in this run-on sentence, is for whatever reason, to see the news break and how everyone immediately reacted, it irked me, and now I’ll move on, enough preaching, especially since I’ll probably ruin it within the week by pointing and laughing at Matt Hardy or something.
And, even I can’t deny that this was funny. So there.
Edited by K. Sawyer Paul