I can't believe it's going to take me several hundred paragraphs of Slammy recap to get to that final segment Ascension Ceremony.
Every feud now needs an Ascension Ceremony. Brodus Clay v. Xavier Woods for the right to use the Funkasaurus gimmick? Put the Funkadactyls and the track suit and a CD of Ernest Miller's theme music on that fancy new belt hanger, and have them shake hands while it all ascends to the rafters, and a bunch of other jobbers stand around and solemnly applaud.
Welcome to my second-ever RAW IS DVR'D. The format is simple: I let you know what to fast-forward and what to watch, in case you taped the show and don't want to hear The Miz's voice even once.
Before we get started, maybe give last week's review a read, and check out my post on Triple H and the Slammys. Now, onto me typing the word Slammy ten thousand times. SLAMMY SLAMMY TWERK SLAMMY
RAW IS DVR'D: PIZZABODYSLAMMY EDITION
DECEMBER 9TH, 2013
SLAMMY INTRO: WATCH
I've gone back and forth on the Slammys. At times, I've thought they are terrible and not as fun/hilarious as they used to be (between Rick Rude accepting the Jesse The Body Award and Owen Hart doing anything, how could any future Slammy Award show be anywhere near as good?). But I've also decided that I still have a bizarre love for them.
No amount of Dennis Miller forgetting wrestlers' names or unfunny Jerry Lawler/Booker T award show banter seems to change my excitement for the Slammys each year. This probably has more to do with the hypnosis WWE performed on me as a young boy and less to do with the Slammys actually being good, but hey look, everyone dressed up! The Slammys are neat!
The intro itself is partly hilarious, advertising wrestlers who will appear on the award show, as if John Cena and Randy Orton wouldn't be here anyway. Wow, how did they get Shawn Michaels to make an appearance? What an event.
But the best part is who they highlight. The first four names mentioned: Cena, Orton, Punk, Bryan. Seems obvious, but it also sets up the end of the show nicely.
HOW TO INSTALL THE WWE APP: FF
Have you ever used a phone? Who are we kidding, you're a wrestling fan. You need constant life instructions.
DANIEL BRYAN V. FANDANGO: WATCH
I'm gonna give the PIZZABODYSLAMMY for Shocker Of The Night to the WWE for actually starting the Slammy Awards with a wrestling match. I expected at least ten minutes of Jerry Lawler trying to work the word "twerk" into a Slammy presentation.
Instead, they decided to set the crowd on goddamn fire with small-town Washington-born internet nerd twitter geek Daniel Bryan (a fire that would burn for three straight hours, plus overrun, plus post-show Spinarooni (/r/squaredcircle shoutout for that video). I was certain that Bryan's crowd reaction meant he'd be losing to Fandango and get continually embarrassed throughout the night, like they always seem to do with hometown guys on Raw (Punk in Chicago, JR in Oklahoma, etc). BOY WAS I WRONG.
This match was fun as all get out, largely thanks to the crowd tearing their lungs apart in cheering for Daniel Bryan.
Half a PIZZABODYSLAMMY to these lazy Fandango-ers:
WYATT FAMILY ON THE TRON: WATCH
Is there a better gimmick turnaround out there than Husky Harris to Bray Wyatt? Even if Michael McGuillicutty got his hands on Stone Cold Steve Austin's knee braces and Space-Jam-stole his charisma, he still couldn't touch Bray Wyatt abducting the body of Husky Harris as a vessel for Satan's message. He delivers the kind of promos that make the Undertaker look like Jumpin' Jeff Farmer in eye liner.
I hope Bray Wyatt uses non-violent resistance against Bryan at TLC and lets Rowan and Harper do all the heavy lifting. It's so crazy that there's an unbelievable amount of potential for this feud, but Bryan has bigger things coming for WrestleMania (I hope).
BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF
Booker T: "Jerry, Have you ever laughed out loud?"
Lawler: "How about constantly throughout an entire three hour broadcast of this very show?"
Booker T: "lol"
NEW AGE OUTLAWS PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR THE LOL MOMENT OF THE YEAR: FF
Here, the guys from TNA do a joke that was apparently done already in TNA and make fun of Billy Gunn's ability to speak.
The nominees are:
- woman gets fired
- man barfs
- Santino
- football in groin
- The Rock plays guitar
WINNER: The Rock, for making fun of Vickie Guerrero in a parody song that requires him, according to the parody song itself, to be dating Vickie Guerrero to make fun of her. He says BIOTCH (not even just straight up bitch) to UPROARIOUS CHEERS.
Rock is not there to accept the award. lol?
The best part of this entire segment occurred only on Twitter, between Brandon Stroud and The Rock('s social media handlers).
SANTINO MARELLA V. DAMIEN SANDOW: FF
I'm actually impressed that there's been two matches inside a half hour of a Slammys show, even if this one isn't crazy good or anything. It's highlights include Big E. Langston on commentary again, not giving a single polite fuck about Sandow, Santino taking a leg sweep bump directly onto his eyebrows, and Big E making Sandow flinch after the match (I would've preferred if one of his enormous pecs reached out of his shirt and slapped Sandow in the face).
While I do enjoy his super-humble-athlete-in-post-game-interview demeanour, he should totally inject the personality found in his Instagram videos into his on-air character. He only has two up right now, but hopefully he'll upload three more because I NEED FIVE.
THE SHIELD PRESENT THE SLAMMY FOR THE DOUBLE-CROSS OF THE YEAR: WATCH
The Shield walk out in ALL BLACK SUITS and earn a PIZZABODYSLAMMY for getting their third set of clothes since debuting (1. Burglar Outfit, 2. Big Boss Man's Work Warehouse Factory Outlet Attire, 3. The Kim Kardashian Special).
Also, if you want to start ranking superstars' laughs in some kind of order, Bray Wyatt is first by a country mile, and somewhere in a distant second is Seth Rollins' "ha ha ha" cackle.
And, if you want to start showing dissension between Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, can we not make it about "who gets to read out the winner of the Slammy award we're presenting"? At LEAST have a Dissension Ceremony for The Shield, please.
And the nominees are:
- Mark Henry cries, namedrops his children, in order to murder John Cena
- Shawn Michaels (almost) kicks Daniel Bryan to turn on him at Hell In A Cell (can someone get me a running tally of how many "reluctant" pitfalls Shawn Michaels has counted?)
- Paul Heyman turns on CM Punk, busting his frigging head open at Money In The Bank
- Triple H turns on Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam, with Michael Cole screaming OH MY GOD OH MY GOD in the most hilarious voice and deserves to retroactively win the LOL Moment Of The Year.
WINNER: Shawn Michaels
HBK accepts the award to a mixed reaction, which he plays off in kind of a douchey way. "Thank you home-state of guy I double-crossed for this very award, I love you!" Normally, I really like retired Shawn Michaels, but that was weird. I wonder why he's being so shitty…
KOFI KINGSTON V. THE MIZ: FF
Here's what you missed: Kofi Kingston tries to wrestle The Miz, who after two moves goes "Kofi Kingston eh? No thanks! I'm too shitty. byeeeee" and goes to peace out. Kofi drags him back in and gets rolled up. Miz makes some Liar Liar era Jim Carrey faces and Kofi kicks him in the head and leaves. Miraculously a handshake is never offered by either of them.
EVE TORRES PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR DIVA OF THE YEAR: FF
Around this time, Zack Ryder tweets "Eve Torres… ugh" which makes everyone else go "oh yeah, that Zack Ryder/Eve Torres/Kane feud… ugh". I wish I could cut together a video of Kane dragging Zack Ryder under the ring to "hell" that would then cut to him being dropped behind the WWEShop.com merch table where he's hawking everyone's goods but his with a sad dad goatee.
And the nominees are:
- The Bella Twins (two divas)
- The Funkadactyls (two divas)
- Kaitlyn (held the Divas Title for 153 days in 2013)
- Natalya (friend of Great Khali)
- Eva Marie (um)
- AJ Lee (current Divas Champion, 175 days and counting)
WINNER(S): The Bella Twins
The Bellas winning should've started a whole new poll, where fans vote if they like the hippie one or the one that has the boobs and butt and lips that distract John Cena from fishing.
REY MYSTERIO, BIG SHOW & BRHODES V. THE REAL AMERICANS & (SIGH) RYBAXEL: WATCH
I LOVE when there's so many good wrestlers on Raw (Curtis Axel you're only included because your shittiness is outweighed by everybody else being good) that they have to cram an eight-man tag in the show somewhere, and it goes from zero to sixty in no time.
But I HATE that a commercial robbed us of even five seconds of Cesaro/Mysterio. And, uh--
stop doing that
But seriously, I'm VERY into the idea of Toni juggling Rey around like a leather bowling pin.
Lastly, I love when jobbers like Axel get hit with a six-finisher combo for the win. He was probably done after the Disaster Kick, but Mysterio decided to blast him with everything he's got before pinning him. Super fun match.
HOW TO INSTALL THE WWE APP: FF
First, take your phone. No, that's the remote control. Nope, that's an old Subway wrapper. Your phone is the thing you use to Tout Triple H catchphrases. Yeah, there you go.
BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF
Presenters for the presenters. As redundant as me telling you how awesome this next part was.
SHAWN MICHAELS PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR HBSHIZZLE: WATCH
HBK is back and it seems that he's only able to speak in his goofy uncle talking to his four year old nephew voice. Why are you so annoying? HBShizzle? That's not even your full nickname + a word that you think is hip but is sincerely just gibberish. It's just gibberish. Shawn hasn't lost his smile so much as he left the part of his brain that likes wrestling at home.
And the nominees are:
- Brock Lesnar (for the constant murder of Triple H and CM Punk)
- CM Punk (for the constant murder of Paul Heyman)
- Big Show (forrrrrrr…)
- Daniel Bryan (for YES YES YESYYESYYHGS)
- Randy Orton (for a bunch of Wade Barrett matches and then winning the WWE Title)
- John Cena (for being John Cena)
WINNER: John Cena Daniel Bryan what
That was genuinely unexpected. With Cena and Orton about to unify the World Titles at TLC, I thought by WWE logic it had to go to one of them. Is this the first time they've treated a hometown guy well on Raw? I feel like anytime Raw is in Chicago Punk gets buttfucked.
Daniel Bryan is the fucking man (says the internet blogger but STAY WITH ME). He's able to reference his history with HBK in two ways in one sentence, while Shawn is off making faces and pretending to care. Did retiring to film a hunting show turn you into a d-bag or what? JESUS. WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY
SIN CARA V. ALBERTO DEL RIO: FF
There wasn't anything wrong with this match, but it was kind of just there (and it was kind of just there last week too). In fact, check it out if you want to see Del Rio suffer himself a concussion by getting sunset-flip powerbombed from the top rope. I felt slightly sick watching it, but he was suited up and watching the Ascension Ceremony by the end of the show with eyes that either said "i am concussed" or "I just lost to Sin Cara clean two weeks in a row what the actual fuck".
THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS PRESENT THE FAN PARTICIPATION SLAMMY AWARD: WATCH
If only for the hilarious cross-section of fans we saw doing the Millions of Dollars dance:
And the nominees are:
- Fandango for Fandangoing
- Daniel Bryan for YESYESYESing
- John Cena for high voice / low voice
- R-Truth for his five year old rap song
WINNER: Daniel Bryan's YES YES YES
Meanwhile on Twitter, The Rock thanks everyone for the Slammy and casually mentions that he loves entertaining the people almost as much as he loves pussy. So there's that.
BRODUS CLAY V. XAVIER WOODS: WATCH
Worth watching because it's about twelve seconds long and includes Brodus powerbombing Woods completely out of his body. Brodus also gets MAD and attempts to turn Xavier into a fine paste before Sweet-T, former mist-spitting claw-handed monster, becomes the voice of reason.
Brodus also does sarcastic dinosaur hands, which is my favourite new taunt.
THE MIZ PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR INSULT OF THE YEAR: FF
Mostly because my feed cut out between Miz saying "welp" and Stephanie McMahon coming out to accept her award.
AJ's Pipebomb(shell) was the best thing on here, but I'm okay with anybody smacking Big Show around screaming "YA GONNA CRY HUH". It was as if Big Show came to Stephanie McMahon at the WWE offices in Stamford and was like "I can cry on command" and Steph grabs a trash pail and is all "ya gonna cry, huh? Gonna get wet? Huh? he's gonna HE'S GONNA HEEE'S GONNA"
CM PUNK V. DEAN AMBROSE: WATCH
When the wrestling is good, so much less has to be said about it.
Punk sells his ribs like a (google ribs salesmen joke to put here). The story of Ambrose wanting to take Punk by himself, yet still confronting the rest of The Shield for not helping him is great, even if I hate that their Dissension Ceremony is right around the corner.
Thankfully, they're still a unit for now. But I suspect it won't be long until we get Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins bitching about Roman Reigns while he's conveniently listening in around the corner.
Anyways, fun match. Also, CM Punk didn't poop anywhere.
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP TRIBUTE VIDEO: WATCH
OBVIOUSLY. Anything that remotely acknowledges history gives me a nostalgia boner. They could play a video of when Seth Green guest hosted Raw and I'd still be like "hey remember that? ha neat"
BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF
Here, The King reminds us all of how he died live on air that one time! EXTREME! In the literal sense!
MICK FOLEY PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR EXTREME MOMENT OF THE YEAR: FF
Mick Foley: "Hello my brain is now functioning at -23% because of so many of these extreme moments here is are your extreme moment nominees for extreme moment of the day today"
And the nominees are…
- The Shield kill the Deadman dead, who wasn't particularly bothered by it:
- Ryback spearing Cena through the light wall to end the Last Man Standing match in a draw (to this day neither man has yet to stand)
- CM Punk kendos the hell out of Paul Heyman
- The Wyatt's kidnap Kane to deprogram him back into regular clothes Kane
WINNER: CM Punk
Kendo sticks + Paul Heyman = extreme, so yeah. But kidnapping a monster after a ring of fire match to take him back to your backwoods cult hideout for several months IS WAY MORE EXTREME.
THE USOS V. ROWAN & HARPER: WATCH
Good GOD can this show stop having good wrestling already? I thought this was the Slammys!
EASILY the best finish on the show, and this show featured Curtis Axel beating beaten to death by tiny Rey Mysterio. The double dive looked dangerous as fuck, and the rest of the match featured enough lariats and superkicks that I'll never need to watch another ROH match again. (The PIZZABODYSLAMMY for hyperbole of the year goes to me).
BOOKER T & JERRY LAWLER AWARD SHOW PATTER: FF
ghgjsadsjd
BRET HART PRESENTS THE SLAMMY FOR MATCH OF THE YEAR: WATCH
Man, Bret is looking a little too much like Stu for my liking. At least he presented this Slammy with flair and pizazz. Ahem.
And the nominees are…
- Undertaker vs. CM Punk, WrestleMania 29 (I preferred Punk/Cena, Raw)
- Brhodes vs. The Shield, Battleground (either this one or, if it's eligible, Shield v. Team Hell No/Ryback, TLC)
- Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar, Extreme Rules (I preferred Punk/Lesnar, SummerSlam)
- The Rock vs. John Cena, WrestleMania 29 (I preferred Cena/Bryan, SummerSlam)
but that's just me being an internet whatever so here we go:
WINNER: John Cena vs. The Rock, WrestleMania 29
Cena should've won this, almost for sure. Just not for this match.
It was a toss up between Cena/Bryan and Punk/Lesnar for me, but hey, how can anything top a Once In A Lifetime Match: Get Ready For The Sequel match? To be fair, I've only watched Cena/Rock II once (in my lifetime), so maybe it's better than I remember. I mostly remember being stuck in a time loop where Cena and Rock are switching from Rock Bottom to AA to Rock Bottom and back again until I smack the side of my TV and they carry on with the match.
NATALYA V. TAMINA: FF
wait hold on a sec.
YOUR MAIN EVENT - NATALYA V. TAMINA: FF
There we go. First Divas match to main event Raw since Trish/Lita from however many years ago?
Anyway, Natalya hugging Bret Hart was touching, if only because I imagined myself hugging Bret Hart and telling him it'll all be okay. Natalya wins, even with Tamina clobbering her all over the place (Natalya was whipped into the corner and suspended in mid air before falling down like Wile E. Coyote noticing he's run off a cliff, at least twice).
After the match, she paid tribute to Owen, I'm assuming because he was the only wrestler to ever give a REAL SHIT about the Slammys.
CHAMPIONSHIP ASCENSION CEREMONY: WATCH. REWIND. WATCH AGAIN. OPEN MOUTH KISS YOUR TV.
Is there any way I can call this moment "Breaking Bad's Ozymandias but for WWE" without sounding like a huge wiener? No? OKAY GREAT
WOW. There are too many things to even mention about what happened here and what I liked (hint: I liked everything). That segment accomplished *counts on fingers* a BILLION different things, and whether any of them come to fruition in the near future or not, they are still seeds planted that will always be available to harvest into a big ass Charlie Brown GREAT WRESTLING PUMPKIN.
The first thing I loved about the Ascension Ceremony (besides it being called an Ascension Ceremony), was that normally these segments where guys hit a bunch of finishers to seem "chaotic", are done without any purpose whatsoever. It's just one finisher after another. It's still crazy and chaotic, but last night was six months (longer, in some cases) of storylines converging at once: Punk finally standing up to The Authority, Bryan getting revenge on HBK, the history between HHH/Orton/Stephanie being rekindled, Cena appearing to be with The Authority, a not-so-hard-to-imagine Best & Beard vs. DX match, Undertaker vs. Sting and so on. All it needed was Bret Hart sharpshooting HBK in the background somewhere with the ghost of my 11-year old self shedding a tear in the crowd. Even Jack Swagger's hilarious face while holding Orton gets an honourable PIZZABODYSLAMMY.
The show ended with REAL questions that weren't just "who stood tall" "who will stand tall" "what does it mean that someone stood tall" or whatever. It doesn't mean that we'll get every answer on Sunday, or even by WrestleMania. It's just satisfying as FUCK to have a show end with the most logical clusterwhoops in recent memory that has infinite potential for the future.
Cena did a great job of deflecting Bryan's cheers onto him. Even Orton brought it on the mic. Triple H was a real life dickhead about the Daniel Bryan chants and it was AWESOME (because, assumedly, he's drawing from real-life experience of being a dickhead).
MOST IMPORTANTLY, this crowd. Every now and then a crowd like this comes along and makes wrestling feel like the best most important thing. And Bryan just standing there with the goofiest grin in awe of the crowd wins ten PIZZABODYSLAMMYS for Most Adorable Thing Of The Night. Everybody's said it, but Bryan Danielson was in a ring full of HALL OF FAMERS and REAL FACES OF THE WWE and was getting the kind of cheers that DERAILED THE ENTIRE SHOW.
It was like when a sports hero returns to his hometown for one more game and has to do like fifty different waves and mouth 500 "thank you" until the fans finally sit down so they can play the game.
Oh, and hey, about Shawn Michaels acting like a real wiener the whole show? I really can't tell how much of that and his "oh okay that's enough chanting for Daniel Bryan jeez" was on purpose, but it sure annoyed the hell out of me, so when Bryan kneed HBK it felt like Linda kicking Vince in the balls at WrestleMania X-7.
I gotta stop writing about this. I can't even really properly write about this. My keyboard is covered in spittle and smark slime.
One last thing, regarding Cena potentially being with The Authority (which, I want to believe is possible, but wrestling logic dictates that foreshadowing works backwards, much like momentum works backwards [you win a match going into the PPV, you lose the PPV match]).
Cena never shits on Triple H. He'll make vague remarks towards the powers that be or whatever, but never HHH directly. He's always saying he's the best performer and Orton is hiding behind him. Not that Triple H is a dick for protecting him, but that Orton's the dick for being protected. I think that's important. Even if it's just to hint that Cena could be with The Authority, and not that he actually is. It's to leave the door open.
I'm gonna wrap this up. I feel like this review is the length of a young adult novel and I still didn't get to say all I wanted to, but now I'm gassed and need to mail out these PIZZABODYSLAMMYS.
One last PIZZABODYSLAMMY for speedo clad CM Punk rubbing up on Stephanie McMahon. (Photo credit: /u/WorkFriendlyAcct from /r/squaredcircle)
See you next week.
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