Monday, February 7, 2011


WrestleMania is all about JUSTICE. It's where two men (or three or ten, depending what match you're in) go to settle once and for all whatever originally put them at odds with one another. It's where bad guys get beaten for all of the wrongdoings they committed over the past year. It's where good guys get fair and just revenge.

If you drop a ringbell on my throat, crush my larynx and take my title, you better believe I'm coming to take it back at WrestleMania. If you come back from the supposed dead, cost me a match with that pretty boy Shawn Michaels, put me in a casket and light it on fire, you can count on me to talk to my dead parents in hell and get their blessing to Tombstone you three times in front of the entire fucking world. If you handcuff me and force me to watch you sexually assault my wife and attack my entire family, you can bet I'll give you a mild, bloodless beating at WrestleMania. Well, you can't win 'em all.

What I'm getting at is this: bad guys have a history of getting what's coming to them at WrestleMania, and it's always the most satisfying when the revenge extracted is relative to the original injustice (look at me and my big words!). So, I ask you, how severe of a beatdown should Michael Cole receive at WrestleMania XXVII?

Photo -

My knee-jerk reaction is murder with everyone pointing and laughing. Maybe I should talk this one out.

Cole has been running his mouth without consequence longer than anyone in recent memory. It's been almost a full year since he turned heel and started talking shit to no real end. And what makes it worse is that he doesn't come out like normal heels, say a few things and then leave for the rest of the show. He is the announcer, and thus we get to hear his grating, overbearing, irrational heel commentary NON-STOP FOUR HOURS A WEEK (SEVEN IF THERE'S A PPV) - that is FUCKING CRAZY.

Not only that, but his eventual beatdown is one of the most protected things the WWE has going today (and maybe in the past few years), as since December, if Jerry Lawler touches Michael Cole, he's fired. You can't just put that stipulation in place without a blowoff - and given the approximate 23 hours a month for twelve months he's been spouting off like a lunatic, the blowoff will be glorious.

Here's what I could see happening to Michael Cole, from least severe to most severe:
- A punch in the face from Jerry Lawler
- An Attitude Adjustment from John Cena
- A piledriver from Jerry Lawler
- A spiked piledriver from Jerry Lawler and John Cena
- A spiked piledriver from Jerry Lawler and John Cena and Josh Matthews gets a taste too
- A group beatdown from everyone who Michael Cole has ever insulted, from Daniel Bryan to R-Truth to Natalya to the internet.
- A public stoning
- Murder at the hands of John Cena, thus killing off the Michael Cole character
- Murder at the hands of a returning Ahmed Johnson (but it's real murder by accident because Ahmed Johnson is crazy), thus killing off the Michael Cole actual person



  1. I'm going to go with "public stoning".

  2. Preferably something that looks like this:



    I'd settle on this too

  3. I don't know why that second one refuses to goto the exact kick, but its a good one.

  4. I fixed it for you, dummy.

    Good god. He kicked through his body.